Saturday, September 30, 2017

Watched some conference

I was kind of curious in my prayers to God about advice he might have for me --- nothing was revealed, God has no advice for me.

I decided I would watch some of the LDS General Conference going on today to see if these leaders had any ideas.

First, I looked over the summaries of this morning's talks::: there appeared to be an emphasis on serving others.

Then, I tuned into the broadcast on the website.

The first talk I heard was Quentin L Cook's talk about humility. I was happy to hear his teachings.

The next talk I remembered talked about God micromanaging our lives and how coincidence is not the right word to describe certain occurrences (although I know some psychiatric doctors would disagree).

The last talk was about how great the Book of Mormon was ----- and for some reason, as I listened to this talk I just felt such an excitement in my soul.

But my favorite quote, from one of the speakers, I can't remember which, said something along these lines:

"When you do not forgive others, you are denying the atonement".

It was something like that.

the whole forgiveness issue in Mormonism and in my relationship with the church has been a BIG ISSUE in my life.

What Joseph Smith taught about forgiveness was a bit different than as Jesus taught it in the bible -- and I am often wondering or confused.

There are so many ways to look at the issue ---------

but the church leader today clarified that you must forgive lest ye deny the atonement.

It's good to hear that clarification.

So, I can definitely see good in the church and feel good about the church -----

but there are barriers that keep me away from the church.

There are definitely good things about Mormonism, but there are some questions one might have.

And now, I must admit, I feel like one of the stupid sheep from Animal Farm ---

I find the church agreeable, and I sometimes find their opponents agreeable

Of course, I only find opponents agreeable because of my disagreements with the church,

and sometimes I don't agree with opponents because of experience the church gave me.

So, whoever's side I'm on is kind of convoluted I guess.

But, I am definitely feeling good now.

Being Famous - Getting Phonecalls

I have much reason to suspect I'm getting more and more famous.

Despite the way no one talks to me on my blog or even fills out my blog poll, I am aware of hundreds of visits to my website.

I am aware of new and interesting followers on Twitter.

And my cell phone has also seen an increase in the amount of people 'Trying to contact" me.

Besides the Courtesy Call from my provider, and family, I get these phone calls from seemingly random Calgary and Toronto numbers.

I was feeling pretty nervous about talking to strangers, so I set my phone to "Do not disturb". If you want to talk to me, write me an email. Or post on this blog in the comment section.

I do my research, to the level I can, on numbers that call me. Most numbers appear to have little to no information attached to them -----but they aren't even marked as 'spam' or 'not safe' phone calls, they might be legitimate.

But I have found some information about two people who phoned me:::

One appears to be heavily into right wing politics. I figured he may have been attached to someone's campaign in the civic election, so I decided not the worry about it ----

But today, on my notification, I got a phone call --- doing research ---- it is apparently a photographer.


I can only guess that a photographer trying to contact me means I am or am becoming famous ---- I'm just guessing --------

But in the little bit of information, I share with my family about the stuff I'm seeing ---- I'm not sure they're going to handle it the best.

My family is just, hmm,, just not completely sane ----- everyone in my family seems to have one psychological issue at least ----------  so I'm just not sure how well they'll handle it if I become famous or whatever. I'm not even sure if I'm handling it well, with my nervousness about people.


Earlier this evening I was talking a bit about the Mormon forgiveness thing with my Dad --- he hates hearing my thoughts on any religious topic at this point, so now those discussion points aren't clear in my mind anymore -----

But I was more recently this evening thinking about the Mormon debate itself ----

I've said this before ----- when I was pro-Mormon, I wasn't supported by my own church, nor was I supported by the community around me. I learned I was WRONG to be pro-Mormon.

So when I became anti-Mormon, guess what? Still not in the clear --- I was wrong to be an anti-Mormon as well.

You'd think there would be a right side and a wrong side to a discussion about whether or not the church is true ------ it's either true or it isn't,

but what I found is that I am wrong as a pro-Mormon, and I'm likewise just about as wrong as an anti-Mormon.

Taking up the argument on either side is apparently not winnable ---- which doesn't make any sense.

So that just makes me suspect that yet again, there is a flaw in the human mind.

Neither side can be viewed as acceptable for any of their side's merits apparently. I was just wrong on both sides, and I'm not sure how that's logical, but that's what appears to have happened.

I was wrong no matter what.

I wasn't accepted by my own church or by the community as a pro-Mormon ----- but as an anti-Mormon, I was still wrong, so yeah, I'm confused by that and it didn't make sense.

But I guess that's what you can expect in a world where you may be the smartest boy at school - but your sister is still gonna be disrespectful and insult your intelligence ---- as well as when you just try to tell people the truth all the time and no one accepts what you say, they even just call  you "completely insane".

I just don't understand people I guess. Maybe that's why I'm nervous about phone calls.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Updated my links

Wow --- I do seem to be getting "more popular", or at least, more famous.

Google has probably also noticed my increased fame, and they are encouraging me to advertise. They gave me a coupon if I spend $150 on their services.

I currently, as of this post, only have $147.50CAD in my chequing account. And that number is going to get smaller when I buy food and some of that goes to Plan Canada too.

My savings account is non-negotiable ---- I need that for my dental work.

I'm just not that rich, I'm sort of rich, but not super-rich. It would be nice to actually sell products for a change.


I FINALLY got around to updating my Amazon links on my book pages on this site so it no longer makes you think you are going for a Kindle ebook, and now just links to the Amazon paperbacks. I removed my ebooks from Kindle. I'm just a bit lazy I guess.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Scared of People

Last night I got a new follower on Twitter.

The Pop Musician/singer Shelita Burke followed me.

I listened to two of her songs --- yes, I do see the talent here.

She has a few hundred thousand followers herself, and she offered to retweet me to her followers if I want.

Another character who followed me on Twitter this past summer was a TEDx speaker named Brian Brushwood. It should be easy to see a name similarity with one of my fictional characters.

And in the current Calgary Civic Election, Ward 4 has a candidate named "Blair Berdusco".

What I'm trying to say is ----- I really am an introvert ----- and seeing all these people have some interest in me is actually making me feel weird --- like frightened.

Maybe it's the "paranoid" schizophrenia, maybe it's the introversion.

But one thing that's clear is that I have some kind of psychological problem about even going out and walking in my community. It's like I'm scared. Of people.

When I was young, I could walk around no problem.

The LDS Church and Avril Lavigne helped drive me to do something a bit more famous, and now that I'm out there it's like I can feel my introverted personality have a problem.

If I remember correctly, there was this one movie (Mission Impossible I think) where the villain said that anonymity is like a warm glove. Or something like that.

But yeah, I'm a bit famous, and either my illness or personality are acting up about the attention -- more or less fearfully.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

What Should I Fear?

The above Facebook notification, along with a substantially increased viewership of this blog, and I'm wondering how it is I don't make any money.

Interestingly::: I make the vast majority of my money from the government.

I get paid by the public purse. Private individuals or companies seem to not want to pay me.

Legally, lawfully, the government has to give me my right to Freedom of Speech (Alberta Bill of Rights), Freedom of Expression, Freedom of Opinion and Freedom of Belief, Freedom of the Press etc, these are my rights, and I can use them as I wish.

If for some reason, there is some kind of big problem with me, it would be a private individual, company or corporation with the problem ---- the government is mostly free about this stuff, individuals and companies can be far more constricting I'm guessing.

So, I've obviously gathered some attention with the absolutely seriously too bad life I've lived ----

Anyway ------ in some ways, shapes or forms I could fear punishment or reprisal from whoever for anything I've ever said ---- I realize that's a possibility.

But the government, the lawgiver, the law upholder, has a view of morality where I am mostly free.

People don't want to pay me for my work, or companies deem me undesirable to pay ----- but the government funds me because I have a valid viewpoint based on a lifetime of experiences.

I realize some things I say may seem "off" in some way shape or form --- but my life overall has been very "off" so what can you expect me to talk about?

Of course, I would love to make a lot of money and buy a house and a car and live my life to the fullest ------

But until people start honestly paying me for my work, I will just have to live with what the government gives me, which is enough to live quite comfortably with my parents.

Just so many people visiting this blog and I don't see much or any money from it. Something is weird.


On the topic of mental illness, I and my brother were both diagnosed years ago with the most severe mental illness in the books:: schizophrenia.

He and I are actually quite intelligent, but sometimes, or on past occasions, our brains just stopped working.  But meds help us get better.

The mental hospital experience has actually been mostly or very good.  In some ways, I might find some doctors may be questionable ---- but the doctor I've had for the past years is a very good doctor and the experience has been very positive.

Actually, the mental hospital is one of the sanest environments I could be in. I am more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.

The thing about psychiatry is this:::: a delusional belief is a belief that you have which is CONSIDERED to be false and fixed, generally because most people in your society do not share the same belief or viewpoint.

So, growing up in Mormonism, if you don't agree with Mormonism, then you are considered delusional because you aren't jiving with the society you live in.

It's interesting because Western Society would find many beliefs of Mormon society to be entirely questionable, and vice versa.

So, having grown up in Mormonism in the society of the western world, but not in Utah, I grew up in two societies that had completely conflicting beliefs and viewpoints.

Maybe that has something to do with why I'm mentally ill.

My psychiatrist told me that Masturbation is normal and healthy, that is is actually a GOOD thing to do because it helps prevent serious crime -----

While the Mormon church would try to repudiate or refute this viewpoint because all I ever knew in Mormonism is how wrong and condemnable masturbation practices are.

That is just one example.

So yeah, I'm crazy, I have been diagnosed with the most severe mental illness and there have been times when my brain basically stopped working ------

just realize that in my environment I've been raised in two societies, Mormon, and Western Culture ---- and these two societies definitely do NOT see eye to eye about how things are or should be.

Maybe that explains a bit of the problem.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

My Dream from September 8th and how it relates to real life

On September 8th I posted "A Weird Dream" ---- a story of a dream I had while I was sleeping the night before.

In this dream, I was an astronaut.

Of course, on that day, the next big news was a Gaming Tournament in Montreal called "DreamHack Astro".  That was quite a coincidence.

In my dream as an astronaut, I fought with "a world leader" aboard a space station.

New news.

I learned moments ago that my country (Canada) will have a new Governor-General ---- Julie Payette.

What is included on her resumé?  She was an astronaut of course. And she's from Montreal.

Wow. I am stunned.

I will now note that the world leader I fought with in my dream was not Canadian, Commonwealth, or American ---- but a complete foreigner.  Just thought I'd mention that.

Just interesting stuff. I dreamt something relatable to what was about to happen later in the month.

Yeah. Huh.  Just my commentary on today's news ------ my dream had more than one bit of merit attached to it, apparently.


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Should I be scared of something?

See the above image?

I took that screenshot just moments ago this evening between 9:40 and 9:50pm.

These notifications indicate that I visited a 7-Eleven store and used my app to get points and all that -----

Except I didn't.

I never visited 7 Eleven today.

This is just from minutes ago, and yet I didn't cause this to happen.

Maybe the app is just really really slow. Maybe that's all it is.

But it kind of freaked me out.

But also new in strange news:::

Twice in the past month, someone or some people from Toronto have apparently phoned me or tried to contact me.

I don't know anyone in Toronto so I would become highly suspicious that it's one of those binary trading guys, who I find bothersome.

I also suspect many times that phone calls are just scams or spams, it's not uncommon ---- so I end up screening a lot of unknown numbers.

If you want to contact me, write an email.

And it's also interesting to note that someone did write me an email today -- an actual email!!

All I should say about that experience was that it was nice that I didn't experience any sort of social anxiety from receiving it ---- I was feeling just fine as I received and read it. No emotional problems. Yipee.

But the main point of this blog post is just to point out what's either lag or some kind of security breach or something where my 7 Eleven App awarded me points for visiting their store ---- except I never visited their store today.


Monday, September 18, 2017

Feeling Uneasy

I said I was a bit empathic right?

Well, in relation to this blog --- which has been receiving many more daily visitations than normal --- I feel very uneasy.

I feel an anxiety kind of --- like butterflies in my stomach almost.

Obviously, maybe I could or should fear some kind of social punishment if I face a choice that I would be wrong to choose either way.

The third choice is just to be neutral, to be peaceful. That's pretty much the only option I can really go for.

My strategy when I was young, and mostly continuing through my life --- was just to do good things, to help people, to try to be a good person.

Of course, morality is (or can be) subjective so what is right for one person is wrong for another.

I didn't want to cause anyone pain for most of my life, or at least I was trying or hoping to uphold a good morality.

Of course, I can't control people, so things go horribly wrong ----- but I do try to be morally upstanding.

After writing the above, I started feeling a lot better, not so much feeling the uneasiness or anxiety.

Maybe I just don't like dealing with large crowds of people --- may be the greater interest in my blog is causing my introversion to feel nervous.

And, I just wonder how I could have all these visitors and none of them can or will fill out my blog's poll in the right column.

Fill out that poll! Or something. Who knows.

yeah. I was feeling some kind of anxiety about my blog ----- but after writing the above, I feel better.

If anything, I wrote this post for myself.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Emails from Publishers

This isn't a big email about some publisher suddenly being very impressed with me and trying to offer me a book deal -- nope.

The latest two emails in my inbox are from two different "self-publishers" who are giving me some insight about things.

One says I need a life coach, or as some spammy email once said I need a mentor. This might help, I just don't like telephones ---- I'm probably just scared of this really. I'm not very social.

The other email explained that some kinds of literature are considered to be "taboo" and have guidelines.

Oh yes ----- the stores, the publishers, and their guidelines.

I couldn't just write a book about my life and be successful at making money just because of how completely messed up my life has been.

As Youtube once told me:::: You can never please everyone.

If you wanna be successful as an author --- don't write about real life.  Real life is too screwed up.

I tried to be a good person in my life, but as I already said ---- it doesn't matter what side you choose, you are wrong.

I could go on and on about how experiences in life can just be so wrong, yet beyond your control ---- and these experiences will make a book about your life unacceptable to someone's guidelines.

Like to a Mormon, any number of things in a text might get them demanding a refund right away. I mean ---- anything can go wrong if a Mormon has to judge your book or movie.

So yeah ----- I just write a book about life, and it's possible that just plain life is against guidelines.

A mentor or a life coach sounds like a good idea ---- I'm just kind of scared, or introverted, not feeling too social, not sure I could make any scheduled appointments because my life revolves around other people's schedules, and I hate telephones.

Of course, it's confusing when for the past week or two my blog has been receiving way more visitors than "normal" ----- and yet none of these visitors are filling out a simple poll on my site.

Maybe everyone's just crazy --- I'm crazy for not being totally able to deal with it ---- and the fact that a book about life would be against anyone's guidelines simply because so many people in life just don't behave themselves.

I'm at a loss with how to deal with certain issues ---- but as things are my life, thankfully, is pretty comfy.

Intellectually I realize having a life coach or a mentor could help ---- but I feel driven away from it by some nature, and I even wonder how appropriate it would be to ask a publisher-hired life coach "what if sales aren't being reported?"

One thing I've learned simply from watching Netflix is that I don't handle confrontational situations, even just on tv or in movies, very well.  I am automatically psychologically repelled from anything that might be confrontational or even to social or talkative.

I actually like not having to talk to people online I'm kind of in a bubble like that.

Remember how I'm wrong no matter what?

Along with the warm fuzzies, I mean, this might seem unbelievable to some ---- but I think I became a little empathic as well.

I can feel when I'm in a good environment, and I can feel when someone is not feeling so good, and well, ------ I like feeling good now, but I can seem to sense when someone is negative.

It's just weird.

Feelings can be bothersome, so typically, I think, men don't like to deal with them ----- but now they are forced into my heart by some kind of psychic stuff (and I'm gonna be wrong because even if some psychiatrists understand about this stuff, history tells me someone won't understand).

Anyway ------ I was brought up in a religious home, and with everything I learned ---- I know that with all the different viewpoints and all the psychological flaws and the different belief systems - that I can't really take a total position on a matter without someone getting upset.

If I'm pro-Mormon, there are various groups who could or would easily get upset with me, even understandably -----

But if I'm anti-Mormon, it looms over me that I could easily then be considered abusive to the women in my family at that point.

I'm not really allowed to take a position for or against with how everyone is not on the same page about all the issues.

There are some good things about the Mormons. There are some bad things about the Mormons.

And another reason, or excuse, to not take a definite position is because Jesus said "blessed are the peacemakers" ------- just to keep the peace I can't totally take a side one way or another.

And I would definitely be wrong no matter what side I chose ---- it's a choice between racism and misogyny at this point.

I'm wrong no matter what.


With how popular my blog has been, and with the numbers I've seen reported about all the downloads and rip-offs ------

I would question "How is it that I don't make any money?"

The obvious answer the news reports to me is that most Canadians are in way too much debt right now.

And no, they couldn't spend any money, not even a dollar of credit card debt, on my book.

But my mind also sees it another way.

I have some suspicion that I'm actually just not allowed to be a financial success.


Mental illness.

Basically, jealousy and envy could easily ruin some aspects of my life if I was successful.

My family is quite ill I would believe. With meds we can seem normal ----- but in our natural form, our family is really-really messed up.

My brother is schizophrenic. On meds he is doing OK ----- but I probably shouldn't even try to tell you about how it gets when he's ill.

I'm just saying that my success may affect my brother's mind in such a way that things might become very unreasonable very quickly.

I think I might just be "not allowed" to be successful simply because certain people, most suspected including my own brother, wouldn't be able to handle it very well.

That is what my mind has come to suspect.  I basically have to live with some level of economic equalization, or else the guy who didn't become as successful would further lose his mind.

So it doesn't matter how hard I try ---- I will never fully succeed.

So, that combined with how I'm wrong no matter what I do ----- I'm feeling kind of screwed ---- but oh well.


I remembered a few more points to mention:

Even though other people's psychological state about my success might be a reason to keep me away from success ----

There is another rule my parents seem to have where I'm not allowed to blame or have reasons for why things go wrong.

I mean, obviously things happen for reasons, there's always a cause and effect ------ but in my family, there's kind of this "no fault" thing where no one can be blamed for their inability to perform.

So, my parents wouldn't actually let me blame my brother for my lack of success, even if it's an explanation that makes sense.

The truth is, my brother used to be a real bright guy, he was a good student.

And I do pereceive a reason for why things went wrong for him too ---- but again, this reason would not be allowed.

What is my reason that I think it was?

The Secret --- we create our own realities.

Our family just had really bad name-calling problems in my childhood. I can't blame anyone's behaviour,

But if we do create our own realities, then all the bad words and languages we used to describe each other must've caused something to go wrong.

That is a possible reason, but it's not allowed to be explained or discussed --- there is NO FAULT because no one is allowed to take blame or feel guilty about wha they do.

And another thing to add is this:::

My parents realize I've tried really really hard to sell things, and they know I've had success, just not successful in getting paid,

So they do make it up to me ------ rather than making money from doing actual work that might help someone (the work I did do)

My parents just pay me to go for a walk.

I mean, me going for a walk doesn't do a bloody thing to help anyone, but it has gotten that dumb, where they now just pay me to engage in some physical activity, even though it's not actually useful to anyone but myself ----

while my work that is "useful" or "entertaining" to others somehow doesn't get paid.

I just thought I'd add those thoughts.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

This Never Happens. But it happened.

Today I saw my psychiatrist.

There were two main things I told my doctor about today:

The Warm Fuzzies (it is technically uncommon for the past while to feel that way)

And a lucky streak I had with the lottery, which was very unlikely to happen, probability speaking. I kind of wonder if I shouldn't have talked about the lottery, but I did, so whatever. I was very tempted to talk about that experience with some people.

Another new thing is, obviously, that my blog is getting a lot more visitors than it used to.

But something else happened. And this is also not normal, not typical:

As I walked out of the psychiatric office, into the waiting area, a woman greeted me and introduced herself to me. She told me her name. She didn't tell me her job.  After just introducing herself to me, she went in to see the doctor.

She was dressed in very churchy clothes. I mean, women's fashions can be so complex that I wouldn't know where to start how to compare them to anything, but it was basically a colorful dress, not what nurses wear, and it reminded me of what a woman might wear to church -----

and because I knew a lawyer in church one time, I wonder if lawyers dress that way as well --- but I'm not sure.

So yeah. Just new stuff, not the regular.

1) Warm Fuzzies (it's been a while)
2) Lucky Lottery Streak (holy crap)
3) Website visitors increases
4) Someone introduced herself to me at the clinic today. VERY unusual.

I guess I just got to keep on going.

Oh and with the Mormons seeming to want me back --- something is going on. I guess.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

My Life has Come to This

After two days of feeling very strongly (as if mind-controlled) that I want to return to the Mormons, last night and this evening I distinctly felt that feeling of the Mormon Holy Ghost inside of me.

A school teacher would refer to it as the "Warm Fuzzy" feeling.

After other kinds of spiritual feelings of wanting to reunite with Mormons, today I just got a little warm and fuzzy happy-ish feeling in my heart.

I'm basically on "medical leave" from my "job" right now --- I couldn't afford to work on my next project while I'm paying for dental care, so I'm sitting here realizing how dull and empty my life really is.

I'm just being invited back to the old church and getting spiritual feelings or mind control issues trying to help me go back.  Including the warm fuzzies.

Ex-Mormons argue that these feelings are just your brain chemicals ---- so it's interesting that I would have these specific feelings at the same time the Mormons would be inviting me back.

I have some recollection from the non-spiritual school I went to as a kid that these "warm fuzzies" were a result of doing good things, and just good stuff and the like ---- what we learned in school wasn't a lot different from what we learned in the church in this case.

So, since my life is very dull and empty, and I get these feelings and invitations, there is some chance I might reunite with the Mormons ----- but I do have a clear intellectual knowledge that I should just be there for the social group, not for their doctrine.

As for some of their doctrine::: some of their doctrine has its place, has some decent and good value.

The requirement to forgive all men might not be so much a requirement to actually forgive all men ----- but it is a good reminder of the good value of forgiveness, although I already know such is not actually required.

In some ways, forgiving everyone is a decent philosophy to live by --- it can be so good in so many ways.

It's just when people are getting maliciously misbehaved or just really-really wrong that it doesn't necessarily apply anymore.

But in the end, D&C 64 can actually be considered to be a hilarious scripture, because when my mind thinks about it I can't help but laugh at how, well, stupid it is.

It's an ok philosophy, but there should be exceptions. Some things really just shouldn't be forgiven, according to common sense.  But there are some good things about the philosophy.

So I'm not really under "mind control" at this moment, or at least I don't fully realize that i am ---- I am being "warm fuzzied" in my feelings and I realize how dull and boring my life is, and how much fun being part of a social group like the Mormon people might be.

There are some good concepts in Mormonism.  It is at least somewhat educational.  Although, I know already that things can go horribly wrong.

So yeah ----- the Mormon holy spirit is giving me warm fuzzies now at a time when the church has been inviting me to some activities.

It is a pleasant feeling to feel. I feel good, but in my mind, I might have some reservations about the whole thing, even as I do already know that the philosophy wasn't totally wrong.

I'll finish this just by saying that is actually just plain exciting to feel feelings like this again.

There are different kinds of good feelings. I haven't felt the warm fuzzies for quite a while.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Not Hypnotized Anymore

So, the Mormons had started inviting me back to their activities, and I suspect they were praying for me to come back ----- something like that must explain why I was feeling such an urge to be nice to them and be their friend.

So::: I basically just understand that somebody must've hypnotized me, over a long distance, to want to return to Mormonism.

As of this evening, however, and after a good long time to lie down on it, I feel better, and I no longer feel driven to return to them.

In fact, while I was lying down my mind had time to ponder a question I asked the bishop who initially contacted me:

D&C 64 says we are required to forgive all men, lest we are guilty of the greater sin.

So:::: the question is::: should serious criminal acts or activities just be forgiven?

D&C 64 says we are REQUIRED to forgive ALL men.

So according to the face value of the scripture ---- yes you should forgive all men.

But someone with a brain realizes that some crimes are so wrong that they SHOULD NOT BE FORGIVEN.  There are some serious very wrong acts that have beset the world at various times which should not just automatically receive forgiveness, I think most sane people would agree with that.

So, my thought process was:::: If we can actually just ignore the requirement to forgive all men in cases of extremely severe crimes --------

Then that means D&C 64 is actually just plain NOT VALID. It's NOT VALID for anything.

It means Joesph Smith lied, that the church wasn't true, and the bishop was just being an asshole when he could never let me take a position against anyone who would wrong me.

I was told of the requirement to forgive a LOT all throughout my life as a Mormon.  IT was seriously treated like a serious requirement.

But for common sense people, it's just bullshit.

Which means when my sister was trying to drive me crazy by calling me names all the time ---- that seems like a less severe sin, but even so I didn't really have to forgive that. The church was just abusing me by making me turn the other cheek to all the names she ever called me.

So, even by requiring forgiveness of all men, the church is just abusing people, because I know how hard it was to go through all that name calling in my childhood, and never being allowed to lift a finger against it.

I should have quit being a Mormon long before I was 17.  It's just too bad I didn't figure it out until I had just received my patriarchal blessing though.  And I was one of the quicker ones to figure it out too. Just too bad.

But yeah::: Their spiritual magic is real because there can be a force of long-distance hypnosis work on your mind making you think you want to go back to them.

And it took all day and philosophical thought to get he hypnosis to wear off for me today. It's pretty powerful stuff.

Being a Mormon Again.

Well, I never got excommunicated nor did I ever remove my name from the records of the church.

And I know I had questioning periods and I took the opposite position to my own church, in a way, more or less.

But I will be honest with you about who I am right now::: I am feeling very friendly towards the Mormons right now, almost as if I will or would return to them.

I've been hated for being a Mormon before, people don't like me for it, and I've learned to understand why that is.

But I will also be honest that it's like I'm filled with a spirit that is controlling my mind to just be friends with these people. It is that weird.

Not to mention all the VERY REAL miracles they do have. I mean, a lot of ex-Mormons become atheists who never understood God or Jesus or whathaveyou ---- but Mormonism did actually work in my life and did introduce me to Jesus, somehow, however that works.

Is there anything I still wonder about? Sure.

Like, for example:::: In the BOOK OF MORMON the perfect Zion society they created in that story was a people without rich and without poor.

The society in the Book of Mormon was essentially a form of socialism. The perfect society, I might add.

What confuses me is how Ezra Taft Benson, a Mormon Prophet, rages against socialism like it's some great, great evil.

I think his major argument is that "socialists" are "godless" while "Mormon socialism" has God.

I know the Soviets also had their mentalists (as depicted in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) and they had their psychics ----- and this actually means that they were not actually Godless.

Mormons say Catholics have no actual relationship with God either, except I have also learned that this is a lie as well.

When Mormon say they are the "one true church", "true" does not mean what you think it means. That's the only way I can understand this situation now.  There are so many cases in Mormonism where the opposite word is used to describe something:::


In Mormonism, a QUORUM is a council with a maximum size of members.

In regular society, A Quorum is a council consisting of the MINIMUM amount of members.

----- On these grounds, I would interject that Mormonism uses the opposite, and therefore wrong word, to describe things an awful lot.

This, of course, might legitimately mean that the church is actually Satanic ------ and yeah, they are often doing the opposite of what they are told to do,

But, I actually admit that I am friendly, the miracles are real, Mormonism does so much good (along with people who "don't get it") and

I've heard that loud laughter is "banned" in Mormonism, but the church is hilarious.  It is so funny, and I know that I've had many happy moments with the Mormons where we are all just laughing our asses off, and even just laughing like that is breaking the rules, but it's so funny we laugh like that anyway, and well,

::::::I'm basically just possessed by a spirit to be really friendly with Mormons right now OK??

I do actually have some "desire" to reactivate and go back to church.

A Lot of ex-Mormons never knew God, and they become atheists, but in Mormonism I attained a personal relationship with God, and God has done me much good, and now I"m driven to be their friends again,

And this might work out because 8th ward stopped existing, and the new local ward is under new management.

There you go.

And I realize it's very easy to hate the Mormon person, but it's definitely not what you think. Words just don't describe the religion very well.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Stuff On my Mind

I can always think of so much to say --- and 15 minutes with a psychiatrist every 3 weeks isn't enough to discuss it, so thank God for blogger and email. :)

My Dad said I should look at the number on my letter from the Red Cross to get an idea of how many people donate to them.

My mom and I both got a letter.

My letter came directly after hers.  That means the letters are in reverse alphabetical order::: Which means there are about 10,000 people who donate to the Canadian Red Cross.

My Dad disagreed with me.  He insisted the numbers of the letters are last-name-only in ascending alphabetical order --- so he put his estimate at 200,000 or 300,000 people who donate.

In my estimation, things really don't look very good.

In my Dad's estimation, even so only 0.75% of the Canadian population contributes to this charity.

Yup --- it's just depressing to see these kinds of numbers plus hearing in actual news that the average Canadian is in serious, serious debt.  I'm actually one of the lucky ones --- and I can't even afford a car or my own place to live.


The world is crazy.  Ever hear people compared to sheep?

I think a church can easily show how fickle people are, that we are driven by natural urges, and regardless of intellectual discussion we are prone to just do what we naturally feel like.

Example::: Why did anyone ever join the LDS Church?  I was one of the few who joined the church with the hope that it would actually improve living conditions, that it would increase life quality. I personally did it with some level of ideology in mind (although, understand I didn't fully know what I was getting involved with when I got baptized).

But I think I can tell that most Mormons generally just get baptized because it's the social thing to do. They just do it so they can be part of a group. It's just what they do, "just because" if only just to be part of a group.

The organization then tells you how to be and how not to be.

And that's when we learn how fickle people are. The consistent natural desire to do the opposite of what you were told.

The church says "say nice things to each other" ---- all I hear is criticism and bickering.

The church says "be chaste --- no sexual activity allowed" ---- and I hear a lot of young people broke this rule.

The church says "do not steal" ------ and yet Napster becomes extremely popular for as long as law enforcement hasn't yet cracked down ---------

People are essentially sheep who are driven by natural impulses rather than actual intelligent, rational and reasonable thought.  That's the way it seems to be.

It's an impulse to be part of the group, and we all know it's true because we all support each other in it.

And then other natural impulses kick in and nobody is even following the rules anymore.

Humanity is insane. My Dad estimates everyone has their problems. Another estimate said 70% of people have serious psychological issues.

This is depressing for me too.


And then, finally, my last thing to talk about right now::

A few days ago, or some time ago, Youtube changed their website layout.

When I saw the new layout, I immediately feared if I had been kicked off the platform, because the layout was different and something I wasn't used to.

Luckily, I managed to find my way around.

And I have a memory that Google eventually sent me an advertising coupon code for blogger (again).

Why am I saying this?

Youtube is now showing me these videos about Free Speech versus Speech Control.

This topic I could probably write about forever, but it does seem kind of hard to pick a side, considering the arguments on both sides.

The free speech side says you get smarter when more ideas are freely expressed.

My own argument for anti-free speech (although I do respect the above free speech argument) is that sometimes some people have absolutely nothing intelligent or useful to say at all ---- and hear the mindless bs over and over again can be a difficulty.

Some people do not think but love to talk anyway.  And, as I have understood from experience, it doesn't actually help the situation.

I can give an example of this::::

Classmates trying to hypnotize you to do illegal things.

Free speech is free, right? anything goes?

But, if your classmates are hypnotizing to do commit serious criminal activity ---- where do we draw the line?

This is, in fact, an example from my own life, but I don't want to go into detail.

I was one of the smartest kids, but I ended up plummetting into a psychological shithole because of all the BS being forced into my head by the people around me, like people who have no respect or rational or reasonable thought and just want to hypnotize me to do very bad things.

I respect the free speech argument, but I've seen examples where free speech is like, well, not so great.

Friday, September 8, 2017

I'm happy only because I'm medicated

Psychiatry has done me a lot of good.

The meds they give me 'smooth me out' emotionally. and I actually need that.

If I wasn't medicated, I'm sure I'd be feeling pretty suicidal right now.

Where should I start?

The only reason my family is doing as well as it is because of SOCIAL PROGRAMS. My family is, well, extremely ill, mentally, I would say. That's enough about them ---- but that's actually no different from most of humanity, so it only gets worse:

In my last post I mentioned Dream Hack Astro in Montreal ---- because my dream the night before was of me being an astronaut, so that was a pretty interesting coincidence.

I actually decided to try watching the beginning of their tournament.

First person shooters are battlefield simulations right? I mean, these games are meant to give you an experience that shows you what it's like on a battfield.

Now that I know how pro gamers play so well, I'm not impressed. There's a battlefield simulation, which is one thing,

but somehow pro gamers are all supermen who have xray vision and can see all their enemies through walls ---- camouflage will not keep you hidden.

Basically:: for a long time I suspected there must've been a "technical" reason why some players are so good ----- and now I know ------ some players have unfair advantages, like being able to know where all their enemies are by seeing through the walls.

This completely turns me off of that kind of gaming. It's just not right.  It's like if everyone in the Olympics was on steroids.

I suspected for a long time there was something wrong with online FPS gaming, and now I know what it is.  It's NOT a legitimate battlefield simulation. It's actually just stupid.

But our world gets worse:

The Canadian Red Cross sent me a letter recently.

In the letter, they say:

"Quite frankly, there aren't many people like you - who not only care, but are also willing to take action to help keep the Red Cross prepared to respond wherever and whenever help is needed."

What does that mean?

That means people don't donate money to the Red Cross, typically, on a massive scale.

I'm actually one of the FEW who actually donates to these guys. According to this letter.

comparatively, there's another charity: "ShareTheMeal" through the UN's World Food Programme.

Trying to raise 150,000 meals for Canada Day 150 celebrations. They started before July, but now by September, as of today, they only have  544 people on Team Canuck, willing to help poor children in poor countries.

Obviously something is very wrong. Canada is a great nation, but with this news from CRC and WFP, there is something very wrong with our people.

I realize the only reason I'm able to donate is because I'm disabled, and I get a benefit.  But why am I disabled? Because I was abused too much when I was young.  SOMETHING IS WRONG.

Youtube tells me that Canadians, in general, are in massive loads of debt.

I guess that's how we are::: I was one of the smartest, but I'm only a little bit above zero right now (and that does, unfortunately, mean I'm comparatively wealthy) ---- but if people actually paid me for my work I'd be way above zero ------- but from the sample population I commonly see, well, that may explain why no one has any money.

I actually stopped having faith in humanity long ago, now that I remember.

Anyway, the world is a mess. I'm only doing so well because of medications and disability.

Youtube is [almost] the only thing these days that keeps my brain stimulated. People just aren't that smart.


Gaming can be a sham because of pro gamers with unfair advantages.

Few donate to Red Cross.

Few help poor children in poor countries.

My family is quite messed up, just like everyone else,

and I'm not suicidal because I'm on meds 24/7.

There has got to be a better way.

You may be just one, but only you can change you.

A Weird Dream

I had a very strange dream last night, which I experienced pretty vividly for myself, as I usually don't dream about much when I sleep.

I dreamt I was an astronaut. I was a terrible astronaut. For some reason, I was supposed to wear a heavy winter jacket as I blasted off into space, and I ended up taking it off due to personal comfort, and that canceled the mission.

I was also supposed to wear these half-gloves that stuck to my hands, and I think I was being injected with intravenous for some reason during the experience (in my dream).

The other thing I remember is the one time I did successfully blast off into space, for some reason I actually ended up in a fight with a world leader aboard the space station --- a zero G, no lightsabers, fight with the world leader himself and I ended up heading back to earth. The best I can guess is that it was a fight over natural resources in space.

I have no freaking idea what that was all about.  I was personally never really interested in being an astronaut, but last night in my sleep, it's like God's angels forced me to dream about me having the role, likely because of how my name compares to an actual astronaut's name (Chris Hadfield).

Actually, "Kris Attfield" and its variations are not totally uncommon, there is another Kris Attfield living in my province, as well as I once found on my Forge TV that there was a photographer with a similar name having a photo on the google photo stream (the screensaver).

I'm not the same photographer, but in reality, I'm more of a photographer than I am an astronaut.

But yeah, weird dream.


That dream came after Apple Music helped me find some new music. I found two interesting albums. One which lightly I can relate to myself, while the other appears to be pretty much about me, yet again.

I know, it's so weird how I see myself in other people's music. But I will say that though I could relate myself very well to songs of last night's new album ---- this album reminded me most of my less than great aspects ---- it basically seemed critical of a guy like me. I don't really have a complete problem with what it was saying because I realized it was pretty true or truthy where the information came from and how it compares, but yeah, I was just being reminded that I'm not the greatest astronaut ever and to calm down a bit.

Like, I can tell that if I had serious commercial success in my endeavors that the dopamine in my brain would make me constantly high, I'm pretty sure that's what would happen ----

so this basically critical album just calms that down, helps level me out. I do have ways of feeling so good inside that I need meds to calm me down, but now there's also an album to remind me of my less than great characteristics, so I can just calm down and not feel so high all the time.


And I suppose I could also mention that I put a POLL on this website a few days ago asking if you've read the Eagle's Sore, and last I checked, of the hundreds of visitors this site has received since then ---- no one has filled out the poll.

So what does that mean? When I give ample options to answer the question with and nobody responds?

It's kind of obvious, the pirating sites reported hundreds or thousands of rip-offs, and almost no sales ever reported, so yeah, it would just kind of be strange if everyone truthfully reported only free and stolen copies ----- but of course for obvious legal reasons people might not admit to theft. Huh.

That's the best way I can interpret my blog poll so far.

It's just weird how they aren't ticking "I didn't read it" or "I intend to read it" ---- the information I have already says the vast majority of readers just got it for free or stole it, and they aren't about it admit that on my website, I guess.

So yeah, that's all I can think of to say for now.


I just checked my email.

There's a new email in my inbox this morning from Twitter.

Its advertising a gaming tournament in Montreal called "DreamHack ASTRO".

OMG. Wow. Huh. Weird.  That's like, amazing that I would have such a dream during the night, then write about it on my blog, then check my email and find a message about the same sort of thing.

So weird.

But I did look up my dream in a Dream Dictionary I have on my iPhone --- there was nothing for "astronaut", but there was "Space" and "Outer Space".

Space --- start investigating your spiritual side.

Outer Space ---- Represents your creativity.

SO:::: My creativity apparently involves an aborted mission (yes, seems true), fighting with world leaders and being injected with drugs.

Sounds about right. :)

So yeah, the dream dictionary seemed somewhat reliable about a possible interpretation,

while there's a Twitter Gaming Tournament that heavily relates in name to what I just experienced.

Yeah --- that's weird.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Being Invited Back

I've been raging against my old church for so long now ---- but about a week before my last birthday the bishop sent me an email so he could be the first to wish me a happy birthday.

I then responded, talking about some issues.

Then, later, I sent him another email telling him some more issues, and telling him to go away.

But then I noticed an old notice in my inbox that I didn't read that said my dentist who is giving me my dental implant is actually a member of this bishop's bishopric.


So I apologized.

Basically, I shouldn't be so rude to the bishop when his first counselor is giving me medical treatment.

And now the invitations are coming.

Yesterday I received an invitation to go to a potluck held by a member of the church who I know personally who actually helped establish a civic holiday in our city. (Pay it forward day)

and just this morning I saw an email where the elders are inviting me to their corn bust tonight.

They are now turning up the friendliness.  And it's kind of hard to resist.

I expressed interest in the potluck --- but as the corn bust is directly a church activity, I might have to turn that down:::::

Here's why: I believe I've met Jesus personally on multiple occasions.  But my older brother rejected my testimony and my Dad tends to believe it's a bunch of insanity.

Basically, it would be very inappropriate to be ordained as an elder in the church if the people who do the ordination (my brother and father) do not back me up about my experiences. If they have no faith, then the whole experience is pointless and wasted.

Either my Dad and brother will be left out, and then I won't even had a ride to church ---- or I'll be inappropriately ordained by people who do not believe or accept the actual truth.

And then, there are other problems as well, but that's the basic reason I can't continue in the church:::: it would be wrong to have non-believers ordain me.  And::: at least two past bishops also expressed their lack of belief in my experiences.  There are just problems and issues.

But:::  I do have to admit that the Mormons do possess a spiritual power, yet again::: why? Because for so long I've had so many ideas about how wrong they are::: but just in the past few days I could physically feel my heart get softened towards them like I knew they were going to have me back.

SO YEAH::: Mormons can be very good and friendly people, but for various problems throughout in my life, including in my own family, actually going back may be difficult.

Very nice of them to invite me to social activities.  But I'm, so far, only interested in the one that's not directly happening at a church building and isn't directly specifically a church activity.


I eventually decided that I would go to neither activity, neither the potluck nor the combust.


I was interested in the potluck ---

But then I noticed a certain individual was also invited to the same potluck.

This individual believes that LDS Church leaders CAN NEVER be criticized.

In the Book of Mormon, PRIDE IS A SIN. IT IS A VERY BIG BAD SIN.

You are supposed to be humble as a Mormon.

So:: I'm just confused about how humility is exemplified in our leaders through the "I cannot be criticized" characteristic.

Being unable to take criticism is actually PRIDE.

This particular person actually wants his church leaders to be PROUD which is completely contradictory to how the Book of Mormon teaches people should be.

The "I cannot be criticized" attitude is narcissistic and is not mentally healthy.

So, when I saw that a certain individual who believes in no criticism of leaders, I stopped any desire to go to these events. I just don't want to be around someone who opposed me with an argument that was in direct contradiction to his own scriptures.

Sunday, September 3, 2017


Yesterday I looked at my monthly budget and realized I had just enough money to buy an on sale 4 TB external hard drive.

So I did, I bought the 4 TB on sale external hard drive.

So, now my Mac (which had an old external hard drive that broke down) has got an update to its storage -- and I should have some space to work with.

Basically, it's possible I might be able to install Unity 2017 on an external hard drive, while keeping unity 4 ---- if I can get that work environment to work, then I won't necessarily need a new mac to work on a new project.

Unfortunately, even if I can get Unity 4 and Unity 2017 to coexist on the same setup ------ I'll probably still need to pay for a Unity Subscription plus assets for a new project, and that's just not going to appear in my budget for a few months still.

Even so, by cutting out the need for a new computer, if I do this new project, I've just shaved 2 months off the time it will take to do the project due to funding restrictions.

If I had more funding, I could work on it sooner, but I don't, so I just have to live with what I've got and be happy with it.

I wonder if I'm actually living some kind of experimental communist lifestyle here in Alberta, where I have a base income I can rely on but am not allowed to have a whole lot more than that.  Though it's secure and I'm happy and comfortable living my life, the economy of my work stagnates when it takes a long time to acquire the funds I need for tools to do the work I have ideas to work on.


As for work ideas, I've got my video game project idea --- which is not really being funded except for my communist government payment.

I have a book I've worked on, a book about my life ----- but life is such a wreck sometimes I wonder if it's actually a bad idea to publish any more of my messed up life's stories.

But then there's my business idea.

I had this business idea a few months back ---- but I realize I actually have nearly zero expertise in doing it, so I think I'll just post my idea here:::

What if someone started a company, like with Kickstarter, or through Stock market investment ---- and they were able to hire a CEO ----------

And this company created a railway throughout Alberta?  A passenger railway. I'm thinking it would be one of those railways that's really fast and the track is elevated above ground level.

You could visit the West Edmonton Mall, The Calgary Stampede, The Snowbobs of Lethbridge, or vacation for a day to a month in Banff -------- not to mention all the business activities this could enable -----

Anyway, that was my idea, to create a rail line for passengers throughout Alberta.

I'm posting the idea here on this website, because I know I probably don't have the exptertise to do this myself.

I also wonder if it would be possible to find the right people to work on the project, if the project could ever be funded by anyone, and who would really want it.

But ---- if people liked the idea, then it could be said to be a driver for the "economy". It would give people jobs, and produce a result that would improve infrastructure throughout the province.

You would no longer be forced to drive, and you'd have competition for the bus lines.

Bah, maybe buses are all this province needs ------ but it was an idea, kind of like a "make work" project.

heck, my video game project is basically an interesting or hopefully fun "make work" project for myself.

I'm not at all qualified to build a railway though, and I'm only moderately capable of building games.

Ah well.  It's a great thing to have some motivation to try to do SOMETHING isn't it? :)

(coming from the perspective of a man who was once so unmotivated that I was just shutting down and wouldn't continue).

Friday, September 1, 2017

6 Pennies

I was just sitting down at my computer to write something when I found some coins on my mousepad.

I immediately had to ask my Dad if he or my brother had put anything on my mousepad.

Thankfully, my Dad admitted that he put the coins there.

If no one had admitted it, I would have been really wondering how six 1984 pennies found their way onto the mouse pad of my bedroom desktop (which is an old Linux machine).

SOOO:: weeks ago I was composting my k-cups and found 10cents of Canadian tire money with my coffee ---- my Dad claims that was also him.

Six pennies, ten cents, all from my Dad.  Why? Who knows.  It would be interesting if i was just hearing voices that sounded like Dad admitting these small-money placements, because:::

A week or two ago I was sitting around when I heard a female voice call my name.

I asked my Mom if she called me. Nope.

In fact --- Nobody else had heard the voice.

Maybe I was hallucinating, but my Mom does admit that hearing your name called by a disembodied voice is actually a pretty common occurrence. It's more normal than you'd think.

Thing about my recent name calling experience:: it happened in the presence of a member of the local LDS Bishopric ----- so for years now I've had this old discussion with past church leaders about the voice of the holy ghost my Patriarchal blessing said I would hear ---- the voice I did hear ---- and then the leaders were in denial -------- so for whatever reason, a currently uncommon experience for me of hearing a voice happened in the presence of a member of the local bishopric.  As if the spirits were challenging him or the church or something (cuz the church denies such voices, even though they originally taught such voices are real --- I have no idea).

So:::: two small money receipts that the voice of my Dad claims to have given me, maybe it was my Dad, except it might've been reality distortion of some kind like when I heard a disembodied voice in the presence of a member of the local bishopric which may have been a spirit challenging church leadership about their denial of previous revelations I had received.



But the above story isn't what I originally sat down at the computer to write about. The above story is me getting side tracked by me finding 6 1984 pennies mysteriously placed on my mousepad.

What I really wanted to talk about was this:::

All my life as a Mormon, I was always told to forgive everyone and everything. I was always taking so much shit from people because I wasn't allowed to lift a finger in response to anyone's misdeeds. I was always threatened with the greater condemnation.

So, back in 2001 or 2002 at since, when I violently rebelled against my parents and the church:::::

Guess what? I asked my Dad if the bishop ever told him that he was required to forgive me.

Actually::: My Dad admitted to me that there was never a requirement to forgive me. I just receive punishments for everything.

So yeah, there was some kind of double standard going on where I was always required to forgive everyone and everything,

But when I did ANYTHING that might be perceived as wrong, there was no requirement to forgive me, and I would get punished.

It's weird, because I always tried to be such a good kid --------- I'm always taking shit from people, never allowed to respond, but the same requirement to forgive me was not extended back in my direction::::

It was always me taking shit from people, and me always taking punishments.

I could never punish anyone for anything, and I never got forgiven for things either.

That was actually pretty abusive I'd say.  I was one of the best kids, I was great in school and tried to behave myself as well as possible -------

But I was never allowed to respond to abuses I received, and if I did the slightest thing wrong, I got punished ------

The bishop never told anyone that they were required to forgive me.

I was always required to forgive everyone, but no one was required to forgive me.

Why was that?? Who knows.  But it was absolute bullshit for the church to do that to me.

Just saying::: IN my experience I was always told to forgive,

but my Dad was never told to forgive me.

Something was seriously wrong.