Thursday, August 31, 2017

Being Lucky

My whole thing, since I wrote the book of Finch, has been about things like mentalism, telepathy, miracles --- or even just excessive LUCK. (as well as a dysfunctional society).


So, a week or two ago when I played the Poker Lotto ---- I paid 2 dollars and won 4 dollars on the instant win with 2 pairs.


And I played the Poker Lotto again yesterday. I won 2 dollars on the instant win, meaning I got my ticket for free.

How'd I do on the nightly draw? I matched two cards, winning me $2.


It's beginning to look like I'm becoming "lucky" somehow, however, that cosmically works.


A constant reminder of this is a Poker Lotto ticket I have taped to the wall where I was within one or two cards of getting a Royal Flush --- which would have won me $10,000.



What did I think last night before the nightly draw, but after I bought the ticket? As an afterthought, I realized my chances were extremely low, but I just thought about what I'd do if I won the $100,000 prize.



All I thought about last night was a plan of what I'd do if I won the jackpot, realizing consciously in my mind the chances were not likely.


But, it's just interesting to note that somehow, however it works, my "luck" has turned into $4 the last time I played and $4 bucks the time before that.


Just interesting.  And also extremely unlikely.



I should note, I recently watched a Youtube Video that said you should never gamble because your chances are so slim and it's generally just a waste of your money.



This blog post is simply to illustrate the truth of my recent life, and how that might relate to my history of getting involved with Mentalism and the like ------ as well as maybe I just have good Karma from all the good I do for other people.


There you go.

Previous Post may have sparked hundreds of visits

In my previous post to this, I said Classmates sent me an email that said the "visits keep a coming" and linked to my Classmates guestbook which only had 9 entries, the latest from a year or two ago.


It seems that post may have inspired a few hundred visits to this blog --- all at about the same time (or within hours of each other), for whatever reason.


And that previous post didn't get +1'd like most of my posts do ---- so obviously something is happening or something.


Well, the email said I had lots of profile visits, the guest book was mostly empty ---- but after posting about that I receive hundreds of visits to this website all within hours of each other.


Very interesting.  It's hard to know how to interpret this information.  Was it my school mates? Was Classmates.com trying to downplay my fame?

Or was it people just having a laugh about Classmates just sending emails like that?


Who knows.


I'm trying to think of more things to say, I've already written and deleted two things I could say, but maybe I don't need to or shouldn't.


I'll just go back to what I said earlier::: ever getting paid feels hopeless.


Ah --- back on the topic of money ---- that $280 Xray I needed to get at a special office? My mom only gave me $150 as a birthday gift to help pay for that ---- but I was still able to pay for the whole thing myself.


So I'm kind of richer than I've ever been before ---- but I'm not super-rich or anything.


And I feel hopeless about how I'm not likely to get paid for my own work. I basically just rely on disability from the government, and my Mom's job, and she'll be retiring at some point.


It feels hopeless to get paid, and it feels pointless to work after all the work without pay I've done.


that's just a note on internet dishonesty.



So yeah::: Classmates sent me weird information, I posted about it, and now relatable information shows up on blogger that might indicate something. yeah.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Classmates email acting strange

Remember Classmates.com?

A long while back I signed up an account there.

And I even have like a 2-year subscription going on right now.

Well, they sent me an email, and I get this email or something like it every so often::





OK. So according to this Subject line, I get all kinds of profile visits. I must be famous!

The email itself directs me to my guestbook so I can see who has checked up on me:::




Yup.  I've only had 9 visits to my profile EVER ----- and the last one was a year or two ago.



So somehow 9 visits total from at least a year ago translate into "the visits keep a coming".



EIther Classmates has a goofy sense of how famous I am in their email,



Or they are hiding all the visitors to my page.



Obviously, this might be a clue that everything I see online might not be so truthful.



I am somewhat aware of thousands of downloads of my products and very little to no payment for them. For whatever reason, I just don't get paid:::: So logic tells me, backed up by this nonsense of Classmates.com, that either my reports aren't reporting the right way, or people have stolen.



Whatever the case, people just aren't honest.  And though my brother (who is mentally ill) has said I will be paid, it often feels like I will never be paid, and that there's no point in trying anymore, unless I really want to try something else.


So yeah, there::: Classmates is indicating "internet dishonesty", and that just makes me wonder about how honest any of the reports of my downloads and sales are, or if the public at large is commonly dishonest.


And I often feel hopeless about ever getting paid.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Misleading Information on another website

I was thinking long and hard about investing more in bitcoin, but I realized that if I wanted to use Bitcoin in a real brick-and-mortar store in my area, I would likely need to exchange it for national currency.

The BitPay app has a VISA card option in it.  But it's not for Canada.


So I did a search online to find out if I can get a Bitcoin VISA Card for Canadians.


The website I found recommended XAPO and SATOSHI TANGO as debit cards that would work in Canada.


So I first looked at XAPO ---- that wasn't going to work in Canada, similar to how BitPay doesn't work in Canada.


Satoshi Tango I signed up for ----- only to find out I had been confused by the information on their website ----- they actually DO NOT ship Visa cards to Canada.




So, there was a website forum or something that said XAPO and Satoshi Tango can work for Canadians.


This is, in fact, untrue.  I signed up for Satoshi Tango, and they will not ship their VISA debit card to Canada.



So, I guess I might as well forget about Bitcoin for a while.



Oh well.



There are other advertised options for Canadians to move their money from BTC to CAD --- I haven't tried these, nor am I likely to at this point in time.



ADDITIONAL:::::


I have been keeping very good track of my in's and out's of Bitcoin, logging every transaction in a ledger I keep.

After moving my BTC back from Satoshi Tango, I have found a discrepancy between my ledger, and the digital wallets.

There is a difference of 133 Satoshis.  What happened to those Satoshis? Why aren't they listed properly?  Very weird.


This is nothing against any company listed in this post ------ it's just that my personal ledger of transactions doesn't match what the digital wallets say ---- I'm off by 133 Satoshis.  Very weird.

UPDATE on the Additional::::

I managed to figure out that I'm missing 33 Satoshis from Bitpay. I moved some coin from a hard drive wallet to BitPay ---- and BitPay either took or doesn't show anything smaller than a micro-bitcoin.

I guess that explains that.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Why I Give Up

For as long as I can remember, it's like there's always been this completely senseless aspect to life, where, essentially, people are not reasonable or rational, and lots of decisions get made that don't make any sense.  This is actually normal I think. And it's not a great normal, but that's the way things are.

So, I was asking for donations to help me work on a new project for quite a little while, and nobody donated anything.  I guess no one cares about me or my projects.

And my creative mind fell out of the groove of wanting to work on this project.

And there are other things to spend my money on and invest in.

I would still gladly accept Bitcoin donations since with all the freebies and rip-offs, people should pay me something --- but of course, as history goes, I can't expect much.



I just have to wonder::: Do people hate me?


My book got such low ratings, it seems quite possible that people just hate me.


Thing is, I've been "hated" since early childhood by my own siblings, so really I've just lived in a world of pain all my life.


Everyone will throw money at all these GoFundMes, and Kickstarters left, right and center, but people won't be bothered to honestly pay me the smallest price for any of my work.

Wow.

I guess I'm just very unlikeable or something.  I wasn't lovable as a child, and as an adult, people just won't pay me.


Maybe there is too much consumer debt for most people ---- maybe I'm not brilliant enough to be worth 99cents, who knows.


But yeah, I'm out of the groove on that project I was thinking of, so I'm not likely to start work on that at all, or at least for quite a while.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Spoiler Alert (a book I read)

I just finished reading a book.

At the end of the story, it turns out the bulk of the book was just the psychiatrist's delusions of what she thought happened, she created her own world, and though she was a doctor she was also a patient --- she had created a delusional world of her own  and the story I read was her delusions (hallucinations also involved I'm guessing).

That really gets me thinking about myself and my own life.

How much of any reality I experience for myself is ever actually real?

I'm considered Schizophrenic --- and this book is causing me to question pretty much anything I ever thought might ever be real.



The sad thing for me is, is a grew up in a church ---- and looking back I now know the church was crazy, that the church wasn't fully real or intelligent ----- but I was raised in a delusional belief system constantly being told the whole church was totally true.


If I had delusions, many of them likely stemmed from growing up in that church--- being told a bunch of nonsense and being told to have faith it in.


But my life went from being raised delusional, to actually experiencing very strange and interesting things.



How much was any of that real?



I know, from certain pieces of evidence, that the LDS Church was not completely right, they had some interesting beliefs, they had some good things about them, but they had some completely big problems too.


Whatever I experience --- how much of it is ever real?



Do I only hallucinate my reality?



How much do I really know about anything?



The church gave me interesting belief system ---- but now I know quite a lot of that could have been complete hogwash ---- so how much of what I thought I experienced was real, and how much wasn't?




There are so many things that happened ---- I'm often told I'm just crazy ---- sometimes being told I'm crazy might just be a lack of faith ---- but how much of my reality really is real? Who knows.



Anyway, it's just a book that makes a schizophrenia patient question anything he ever thought he knew.



The debate about psychic reality is kind of skewed when you go to school learning about psychic spies as part of the education system, and they show psychic tv shows on educational channels --- and then the doctors deny any such thing ever exists ---- obviously something is wrong.


Either the doctor is wrong to deny it, or the education system is wrong to teach it.


But eventually my latest doctor did admit that such things were real, so that's good to know --- there might be some more reality to my experiences than previously thought.


But the book can really make you question your whole reality.



I know there's more to reality when I can know what is about to happen or what someone is about to say --- when I can think thoughts and that appears to change the world.


Maybe I'm just living my own dream ----- but this is all I know.


But seriously ----- though it doesn't happen all the time and it doesn't always work, sometimes you can know what's going to happen next, just by psychically expecting it.



It's weird, but that's how I've seen it.



So who knows, maybe I'm just a brain in a jar and I hallucinate everything, like that one movie some time ago ---- but anyway, I see reality my way ---- who knows what's ever really real.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Catholic School maybe?

My Mom just admitted something.

I was talking to my Mom about how misbehaved and screwed up the students and my experience at FFCA, The Foundations for the Future Charter Academy, was.

My Mom did not want to hear a full description of events and behaviors,

but she said, "In hindsight, I probably should have sent you to the Catholic school instead."

Well, Avril Lavigne is French, so she's probably Catholic, so that would seem better in hindsight yeah.


In my experience, I do see good things about the Catholics --- but I hear some rumors too about problems.


But in all seriousness, if Avril's Catholic, and with how she helped me, that does put them in a very good light in my eyes.



My Dad said that when he and my Mom decided to become Mormon, they chose Mormonism because it SEEMED good --- and that Catholicism was not in their interests at that time.


But years later, Catholics seem pretty decent,


and a way better option


than going to a school where the majority of kids have serious behavior disorders and the teachers almost don't care.



So: the big news is that my Mom said that in hindsight I should've gone to Catholic school. That would have changed EVERYTHING.


Also, in hindsight, I'm guessing because Mormonism didn't really work out for me. But Jesus is still cool.

Plenty of Opportunity

As you might imagine, as a poor young man I had some desire to grow to be rich.

All these years later, with my 10-some-odd projects that I've completed:: I give the world SO MUCH AMPLE opportunity to each give me some small bit of money.

Typically, I do all this work for nothing. Nobody has anything to offer me, even if I ask for just 99cents to 3 bucks or even pay-what-you-choose.

No one can let me have anything. I am reliant on disability, and I'm on disability because of all the abuse I previously took in life.

Maybe people just don't like me -- in some small way I might understand that --- but in another way, I didn't get to choose the origins of my life, and how my community decided to raise me was not my fault. I did my best with what I could.

But now the community just decides not to reward me for any work.

My freebies and free products or even illegal rip offs are taken in droves--- I mean, hundreds to thousands of people will take something from me for free.

But the small payments I ask for? Zip. Zilch.  Pretty close to nothing [reported].

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Earlier this morning I was thinking about my life and I realized something::::

When I do a good job, or if I'm just a normal person:: I face either no reward, or I get hated or punished --- for doing good right or normal things.

But when I thought about those small circumstances in my life where I defected --- where I did things that people would typically consider wrong or very wrong ---- that seems to be when I get the most rewards in my life.

I usually try to be a good person and do the right thing, but looking back on my life, I just see more rewards for doing wrong, and more nothing or worse (punishment) for doing right.

That's just how I see my life, looking back.

It doesn't make any goddamn sense at all, but that is how I am remembering the events of my life. Not going into detail.


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So either people just don't pay me, or if people have paid me, the money likely gets diverted out of my own hands.

From my perspective, it seems possible that my parents control what I earn, but who knows, maybe my parents are just a lot wealthier now than they were when I was a kid.  yeah, they probably are.

At this point in my life, this might even be the wealthiest I might ever be in my life ---- but yeah, I'm just not used to the kind of wealth my family currently experiences, I'm used to being a lot lower in the societal economic hierarchy.

Maybe it's just the socialist government Alberta currently has -- who knows.


It's too bad when your family status goes up under socialism ---- but who knows, you never know if that's actually a normal effect of such a government for most people.


But seriously::: I am not used to the kind of money I have now, and reportedly that doesn't even include payment for my own work.  Either I don't get paid, or it gets diverted -- that simple.

I get no rewards or even punished for good or normal behavior,

While when I defect, that seems to be when good things happen.

And nobody can pay 99cents to 3 bucks for any amount of any work, while if it's free, anyone within the sound of my voice is way more likely to take it.

Honesty just isn't a big thing in our society I guess.


Sheesh.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Doesn't Blink About It

So, previously I had been thinking about how my Dad has two debit cards, and how it didn't fully make sense that he'd do all he does and my Mom doesn't get concerned about it. You'd think if he were spending her money like he does, that she'd be a bit more on his case about it.


When I had my birthday last month, this was the first year I didn't get a single birthday gift that I can remember.

No gifts.

Seeing my nephew with his party and friends and gifts at his birthday kind of depressed me about how all I got was a card and a cake.



Well, dental implant news::

My dentist's office closet-x-ray machine is too small to do a 3D scan of my head with my broad shoulders in the way, so they referred me to an x-ray specialist office, an office that exists exactly for the purpose I'm going to use it for.

Today, making my appointment at the X-Ray office, I learned I would have to pay $280 to their office on the day of the visit for their work.

My mom listened to that speaker-phone-call appointment booking, so when I told her that was an unexpected $280,



She basically just said she'd pay for it and it would be my birthday gift.



Again, like with my Dad's spending habits, she didn't blink an eye about it.



Obviously, I'm not poor like I was when I was a kid.  As a kid, finances were consistently in the dumps as far as I was aware.


I can understand how my family isn't really "rich", we aren't that or too wealthy, but somehow my mom could just pay that kind of money as a birthday gift for me and not blink an eye.



This is a completely new development in my life, things haven't quite been that way before.




SO:::: it's quite possible that my Dad's 2nd debit card is that he just shares a bank account with my Mom now --- that might be all it is.



And according to every report, I'm told, I don't get paid for my work.  I just wonder, speculate, and have hopeful and wishful thinking that people do pay me, but for some reason, my parents control the funds.


No one admits it, but I can dream can't I? :)


So yeah, I guess my Mom just isn't worried about money anymore.  That's the explanation.


We aren't really that rich, but we aren't poor like I was when I was young, so yippee. Completely new experience.

Expenses and Income?

This morning's news:

I just lost my 640gb external Firewire hard drive on my mac mini.

I booted up today, and my external drive is dead.

Losing my tooth, and losing my hard drive, I can almost feel cursed --- except I know there are legitimate explanations for how these things happened like I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate bar and that hard drive was getting old.

The good news::::

I had a 500gb external hard drive (USB) just sitting around that I could use instead. It'll have a lot less free space on it, but it will contain my data.

Other good news::: It can contain my data, because YES -- I had a backup. I have a backup. yay. Always back up your data. I'm so thankful for Time Machine.

NEXT DAY UPDATE::::

I just booted my mac mini again. I left both the replacement USB and Firewire drives plugged in during this time.

Well, the Firewire drive works again!  It just magically boom, works. Broken yesterday, magically fixed today. Weird. Who knows. Wonderful.



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The other news this morning is I accidentally checked Facebook this morning and I saw this in my news feed:


A story from just 15 hours ago says my The Book of Finch Facebook page is receiving quite a bit of attention.

Of course, I haven't "sold" a copy of that book FOR A LONG TIME --- I get like, no sales reports, nor do I get payments.


I, of course, would ask that people kindly pay me for my work, or donate to my bitcoin, is that too much to ask? In our debt laden society, perhaps it is.


Anyway ---- I've obviously made some waves ----- and either someone else gets my money or people just aren't paying it seems like.


Who knows --- this helps me suspect my Dad of receiving my payments -- though he never admits it.


But yeah --- please kindly pay me for my work. Even if it's just a small bitcoin donation, that would be gladly accepted. Or you can actually just buy the book.  But I stopped selling Kindle Ebooks --- I just wasn't seeing sales and that turned me off of ebooks.

I don't see Lulu sales either, but we'll see. Who knows.  Maybe people just like the freebie --- but really, I do ask that people pay me for something I did.  Letters to Whomever was NEVER free. Neither was The Eagle's Sore. It'd be nice to get paid.


Of course, people might view me negatively after reading my book --- but hey, I always tried to do what I thought was right, usually, and I can't help the fact that I was surrounded by all the crap in my environment at the beginning of my life.  That's just the way things go. I can't change my origins of birth or how people tried to control me --- that much wasn't my own fault.

But yeah, getting paid for my work would be nice. Thanks.

Monday, August 14, 2017

It's all in my head he said

I must be out of my mind.

I must be having one of those ultra-reality-altering-hallucinatory experiences again.

Last night my Dad told me I was crazy.

Today my Dad told me it's all in my head.

He told me to not make false assumptions.





SO: I am hallucinating this email my sister sent me that says she's gone from deep in debt to having a good level of savings without employment or unspecified low-paying employment that she never told me about until now and this is not making sense?




I'm pretty sure I didn't hallucinate my Dad's two debit cards, at two different banks, which he visits both of them and not with the company of my mom.  And he says he's not rich.



Yes - I must be out of my mind.



Something just doesn't make sense about how I see things.



It's like I hallucinate extremely elaborate big hallucinations or something.



He's not rich he says.



But he has debit cards at two different banks, and he visits both banks.



My sister just told me she now has "a good level of savings" ---- although just months ago she couldn't figure how to climb out of debt.



In fact, there was a time when only my mom could afford one leap pad for all her grandchildren --- but now the good sister has one leap pad for each of her slightly older children, while paying off her debt and getting some good level of savings --- all in a matter of some months while currently being unemployed.




Yup. I must've lost my mind.





When my Dad says "it's in my head" ---- Is he referring to the answer about this situation, like I'm a mentalist and I should know telepathically?



I suppose I do have a recurring number appearing in my mind.  If this number is true, it should be easy enough to buy me some new equipment.  I guess we're just not doing that right now or something.



Maybe I'm just getting the "$10 limit" like my nephew did at the toy store.




I've lost my mind. I can't seriously understand what's happened. My Dad denies everything I think it might be --- tells me I'm crazy, it's all in my head.



Is that the power of the secret?  I would think thoughts about amassing great wealth, and now I just hallucinate a world where we've become wealthy???


Huh. Right. Who knows. Whatever.

I'm still wondering

Last night I sent an email to my sister.  I sent the same email to my Dad.

It was that email that got my Dad annoyed.

I basically had questions about how much money I made.  My magic 8 ball clearly told me multiple times that Dad did get my OUYA/Razer money --- but typically my Dad will deny this.




My sister did respond to my email.




Something about her response is also triggering questions in my mind.



You see, just a few months ago, my Dad told me not to talk to my sisters about my investments because it made them depressed.  Why did it make them depressed?  Because my good sister was deep in debt just like the rest of Canadians.  My good sister, the one who turned out right, was probably the poorest person in our family at that time.



But in her email last night, she said she has little debt and a good level of savings.



She said she(/"we"?) doesn't have the highest paying job around, but she feels wealthy too.



Now I'm really confused.



You see, she doesn't have a job.  Her husband HAD a job, but not anymore. They are both unemployed last time I checked.


While he was working, he apparently didn't tackle the debt very well.  They were just barely making it.



Maybe there's some secret about their finances that I don't understand or don't need to understand.


But she's not keeping it totally secret either --- she just told me some things.



But I'm still confused.



So, to summarize my confusion:::


Last time I checked, my good sister was in deep debt, and she and her husband were unemployed.


As of last night's email, she has little debt and a good level of savings, doesn't have the highest paying job, but still feels wealthy ----


thing is, I didn't think they worked at all at this point.  How did they come to a point of feeling wealthy with no employment income????



Not a high paying job, no job at all as far as I knew, yet still feeling wealthy. No clues what their job actually is though.



The information I'm seeing just doesn't make sense.  And it doesn't help when my Dad is keeping secrets and denies the possibility that OUYA or Razer paid him my money - which they were supposed to according to the arrangement.



He said I'm crazy.  He's kind of right at this point.


I am confused out of my mind.



ADDITIONAL::::


I just remembered my Mom's story about her recent visit to my good sister's place in a different town.

My Mom said my good sister's son was kind of accustomed to getting really cool toys. Like, the good toys. You know what I mean.

When my Mom was with my sister, they went to the toy store for the baby.

They gave the son a $10 limit on a toy for him.

He had a meltdown.  He's obviously kind of spoiled -- so used to getting cool toys, but now having a big purchase limit.


yes, he's kind of spoiled at that point.  Maybe that has some explanation or description maybe of how my sister paid off her debt and has savings. I don't know.  It just illustrates a bit here.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

I deleted my last post

I just deleted my last post on this blog.


It was apparently a slightly more popular post that normal, considering how interesting it was,


but I may have made some false assumptions in it.




Basically::::::: I had suspicions that my Dad is richer than he should be,

And since he was supposed to receive my OUYA payments, I wondered if he did get my OUYA payments.





But he vehemently denies it.




He was so agitated that I thought he got my payments (though he did SAY he got my payments) that he thought I needed an Ativan.


I was calm, he was agitated, and he said I needed the Ativan.



I'm still a little confused, things I've seen going on don't totally make sense, but hey, my Dad was very unhappy to hear that I had my suspicions.



Anyway, apparently, I am the crazy one.



I am delusional. I suspected too much.




But one thing didn't add up about his recent burst into my bedroom:::


HE was agitated, and he said I (me) needed the Ativan.

I am perfectly calm, he's the one with the agitation, he should take the Ativan.


Somehow, he projected his own emotional state on me and said I needed the drug that he should take.




Yeah, it's confusing.  Apparently, I was just delusional and crazy somehow.




But yeah, the internet just tells me that everyone is in too much debt to pay a small price for any of my work ---- that with all the unlimited amounts of currency in a central banking system that practically none of it could make its way into my wallet.




To me, it almost seems unreasonable that people just couldn't or wouldn't spend a buck on me.


I would have thought people could have paid me some small amount.


And though my Dad was lined up to receive some of my payments, and though there are some big clues that I've seen,


Apparently, I was just crazy to think that he actually received any money from my work, even though I was lined up to borrow the use of his bank account for receiving wire transfers.



He wasn't very happy.


He said I'm crazy.


Things just don't make sense about that.



I'm probably just the richest I have ever been in my life, and it's unusual to me.  But apparently, it's still not THAT rich.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

To be more transparent

OK OK OK ---- I guess I need to be honest with you guys, especially as you might even be my fan ----


I am asking for donations for my next project because I would like to see some community interest in one of my projects before I spend money to work on it.



The truth is, even after giving most of my liquid funds to the dentist::: I DO in fact still have more funding to my name.  It's just that it's serious emergency money, and it's about as liquid as a non-redeemable GIC (Guaranteed Investment Certificate, like a Certificate of Deposit maybe in the States).



I'm not too poor ------- but I'm not spending to my bottom dollar just to build a project which history tells me will not pay.



It would be nice to have some community support for my work for a change.



I have the Bitcoin addy up ---- it's a real easy way for me to "circumvent" Kickstarter.   It's like Kickstarter, but maybe a bit better.  Just a super easy way to fund me ----- no 3rd party necessary.




So maybe I'm rich enough that you think I don't need more funding ----- maybe I seem like a "fat cat", so why should you pay for my project, especially while most of my fellow Canadians are deep in debt?



Maybe it's not worth funding me ---- I COULD fund myself. I just WON'T when I have no evidence that anyone will pay me for anything.




I like to have emergency money --- in case of emergencies.  No point spending that money on something that might not pay.  I'll wait for either more expendable income or community support before I start work.




I get so many visitors to this website ---- and maybe you all already did buy something from me, but seriously, if you are so interested in me that I get all these visits to this site, I have to wonder why people don't donate.  Oh, right, lots of personal debt in Canada.


I dunno, it's just that I see all these kickstarters being funded and all these donations to Avril Lavigne ---- while it's like nearly nobody will spend a buck or two on anything i do.



It's kind of disheartening.



Who knows --- maybe people just don't like me.  I think people have never really liked me -- starting with my own family relations ---- but yeah, being a pinata starts at a young age I guess.


I'm a fun game that everyone gets to dislike altogether equally!! Yay!  Now that's funny!

How Did My Top-Super-Secret Information Leak?

Remember my super-top-secret game development plans?

Somehow --- something really weird just happened.



OK ----- so there's NO EVIDENCE of my game idea anywhere except me typing the title of my game into UNITY 3D on two different computers.



Apparently, that wasn't secure.




Either they somehow know what I typed into Unity, or they used a psychic or something.



Maybe it's just a big coincidence ----- but when I saw what I saw, I got freaked out.



You see, Just a moment ago I visited an Android fan site as I did some research on the game market on Android TV.



Just as I started reading the article, a big full-screen ad pops up from the website::::



An AD that is HIGHLY RELATABLE to my game idea. I have never seen such an ad before, and it's way too coincidental that it appeared on my device as I researched android tv games.



I guess I might as well expose a little bit of my secret.



As soon as I do, well, it's not a secret anymore and I can only guess someone is going to weasel off with my idea.





OK::::



The only information about my top secret game I had typed into  a computer was the following title:


"EXTRA Car to Joe's".



The ad that appeared on the android fan site which got me riled up was an ad for "Car 2 Go".



Yes, my game had some parodying ideas about a similar business concept existing in my game, with some fun stuff about it ------



That was one of my fears, that they might view me as a sort of copyright infringement ---- but mine wasn't an exact copy, nor was it the exact same name.


In fact, the only similarity in the name would have been the title of the game. In the game, it's a bit different. With only parody-like relatable similarities in some ways.





But yeah, I'm a bit freaked out that all the computer had was my game title, and now the Android fan site is showing me a full-screen ad for a business that did basically inspire my new game title.


Just freaky.



Dang.


And now that I've said this much, I can only figure to expect that someone might be inspired by this blog post.



Nothing's private anymore I guess.  Holy crap.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Hopes Dashed

I received an email today which claimed to be from some professional looking French tv site ---- and it referenced a supposed English Charity that wanted to give me a grant for humanitarian purposes.

Both the email addy and charity listed looked legitimate.

But the problems::

It doesn't fully make sense to me that a charity would give me a grant for my business desires ---- business desires which are modest in nature and might not be worth much.

Another problem:

I did some research on the email. It probably wasn't real. Found out it was likely fake.




I've received email from people claiming to be lottery winners who want to donate (years ago) and I've had any amount of other stuff like that go on over the years ------


And of course, I have to be on my guard, considering how much fraud goes about ------



But REALLY:::::: If you want to help fund my project, it's as simple as donating to my bitcoin address on this website. There is an easy way to give money to me::: Bitcoin address.


All these offers of money become suspect when they want me to do other stuff, and they won't just donate to the dang Bitcoin addy.




Considering all the OUYA games I've sold, and how popular this website is ---- it's quite possible that all my visitors may have already paid me some little amount of money already.

But it's just not enough.


OUYA just wasn't successful enough. Maybe I wasn't good enough.



It would be a shame if I had to scrap my future development plans just so I could live my life with whatever I already have and less waste --------- but hey, the market's saturated and the audience is limited --- so that might happen.




If I didn't need the dentist now, I would be in great financial shape to work on a new project. It's just too bad I lost my crown.




HECK::::::::  It's quite possible that my new project idea is more than I can chew ----- so I may end up all in failure anyway.  That's a real possibility.



I would love to imagine a huge likelihood of huge success and "making it"   ------ but it seems quite likely that I just won't make it.


Imagine me being super-successful eh? Wouldn't it be nice? ;)

Thursday, August 10, 2017

New Option?

As I write this, I am downloading the Linux version of the Unity 2017 editor onto my Linux Laptop.

The good news about my Linux Laptop is that with the latest release of Linux Mint (18.2 Sonya) I have had ONLY ONE crash in my whole time using this new version of the operating system -- which is quite commendable to the OS devs. That one crash was only after a great long extended period of running.

I have only 4gigs of RAM and my Pentium processor has no L3 cache and only 4x256k of L2 cache --- so it might be questionable how well this machine will be able to handle game dev operations ----

especially as this is the Linux version of Unity, which isn't all that super official.

I tried using Linux Unity 5 in an Ubuntu virtual machine, and I was left wondering how to even create an instance of a first or third person controller. Hopefully, I'll be able to figure it out.

Either Linux version is missing things, or things have changed since Unity 4.

I MIGHT be able to get playing around and maybe even started on a project with my laptop. Fingers crossed.

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Well --- if you ever wanted to make a Linux Ubuntu Server using an Intel NUC running with a Celeron processor ---- I'm starting to think I'd recommend AGAINST that ---- get a faster processor.

I'm finding that the Celeron is painfully slow for big tasks ---- and I've got one big daily task which I haven't yet been able to complete in time, --- I extended the wait time to 9 hours for regular operation ----- but in testing I've been waiting 4 and a half hours already and the job still isn't done.

On my computer from 11 years ago ---- this task would not have been a problem, it was a lot quicker than this Celeron.

Just saying.

Of course, my local computer shop had a special order option for a Quad Core Celeron for only 20 bucks more ---- would that have made more sense? Of course, that option was 100mhz slower, so maybe not.

1.6mhz is fine for a light task machine ------ but for server operations where big processing is involved daily, it takes a LONG time to complete the task.

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Of course, my new game project will still require funding for some things --- and that's not going to happen for a while because I'm still paying the dentist and living my life. It'll be two or three months before I can afford Unity Plus I think.




Oh ----- and since it's the government of Alberta that provides me with funding to live my life, and since a lot of what I own is actually something I could have because of the Alberta Government --- I kind of have to wonder if somehow the Alberta government claims anything I might earn.  Just speculation.


Of course, more recent Youtube videos explain that there just weren't a lot of people playing OUYA games. That might explain it.



I actually did plug in my old OUYA today and played around a bit with it --- I'm glad the versions of the games I have left on that system seem to work well enough.



But I wonder if I'm considered to be one of those sucky developers. I know I made a lot of mistakes throughout my OUYA dev work ---- and one OUYA employee even told me at least one of my games was one of the better games ----- but how good was I at that job really?

At least I can feel some level or semblance of achievement with Doorless Darts ranked #5 in Sports on Cortex and CvB ranked #7 in Fight on Cortex. I think it's the Fight genre where I'm ranked like that. Maybe it was Dual Stick. Dunno, can't remember.


So::: I do wonder if I am disliked for "political" reasons or if my games legitimately did just suck. But I like my games, and though I may be "politically" confused, I have to good reason to be politically confused. Maybe it's just a saturated market with a small audience.


At least I'm able to live happy and comfortable and I have the stuff to do to keep me entertained. Yippee.


UPDATE::::

I finished installing the Unity 3d software on my Linux Laptop.

It looks very nice, looks like I could have a lot of fun developing with this ----

problem is, unlike the free version of Unity 4, there is no free access to first or third person controllers.

$75 for a Unity Asset for Third Person Controller.

Not happening right now.

I am tantalized by the Unity 2017.1 environment on Linux --- I am actually wanting to get started just by seeing how much fun I could have.

I just don't have all the assets or tools I would need easily, and I don't have the funding for a few months.

I only just gave my dentist most of my currency the other day. And I need the rest just to live and enjoy the life I can during summer break.

Sorry.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Dentist Having Fun

Today I saw my dentist.

I am paying for this storyline of visits myself -- no insurance.

I got today's bill and more estimates for the upcoming visits.

When I added it all together:::

The very first visit in my adding I just rounded up to $600.

Add the first visits to the current visit and the estimations, and the answer is "$5501".

If you look at 5501 upside down in a calculator, it says "loss" --- or maybe f"loss".

That's great --- except actual floss itself probably wouldn't have helped in my case. But I can see the dentist is having fun.

But then, I remembered that the first trip in this storyline I think only cost $598.

So, when added up with the actual price, the answer is:

$5499.

When you look at this number typed in a calculator and having the calculator upside down -- it looks like the dentist with his glasses on with HIS mouth open. Kind of.

Like very fancy emojis ---- except it's the price you pay for the dental implant.


Very funny.


I'm just glad I can afford it ---- and I'm not even really crazy for having bought that $400 nuc at the same time.

I can actually afford this. That's AMAZING.

When I was a kid, things were a lot more difficult, and I think the difficulties back then and the financial situation also as a difficulty all snowballed into my mental illness. But I'm getting better now ----- and now I see how a lot of people suffer from insanity and poor financial health.


I guess the reason I don't get paid for my books or games might be because of poor financial health or poor mental health throughout the community of the world as a whole.  Those are the real explanations that might make sense.

Unfortunately.

Monday, August 7, 2017

A Review of my new NUC

The reason I bought this NUC is that it can be used as a home server without being as electricity hungry as the computer it replaces which is 11 years old.

My NUC model comes with a 1.6ghz (2.16ghz Turbo Burst Frequency) Celeron Processor with 2mb of L2 Cache (2x1mb) and I got it with 8gb of RAM and a 1TB HD at 5400rpm.

The system costs a bit less than $400CAD with 2-year warranty included, not including monitor or keyboard.

There's a cute derogatory term I could use to describe this machine which I won't use here in case someone gets offended. A better description would just be to say "You get what you pay for". This is the kind of modern and new computer that reminds us why we like buying faster hardware. Very seriously.

OK, so I'm running it with Ubuntu Server 16.04 ---- this thing is supposed to use only a maximum of 65 watts at any given time, so that makes it attractive for home server purposes.

I'm using it for::: 1) Bitcoin node and miner 2) file server, including network backup of other machines, 3) virtualization server.

It works fine for Bitcoin mining. Nothing wrong here.
I'm still in the process of downloading the information for the Bitcoin node, which is not unexpected.
But I had to stop the Bitcoin node in order to get any speed in fully backing up the system.

The Bitcoin node, as it is first loading, is a processor intensive task.
Backing up the whole system is also a processor intensive task (encrypted backup).

After about 12 hours of letting the system load Bitcoin and back up at the same time, the back up only got about 50gb of backup completed, and the Bitcoin node maybe 20% of its work done.

I had to turn off the Bitcoin node, and when I did, the system sped up considerably in the backup process (getting ~30gb of backup done in about 30 minutes to an hour).

AS A VIRTUAL SERVER:::: Once your guest operating system is loaded, it actually works quite well ---- but booting the Virtual Server is again, painfully slow --- but once it's loaded it works well.



But in all seriousness ----- this is the kind of machine that really does remind us why we like faster hardware.


I loaded the GParted OS onto this machine in order to create more space for my /home partition.


The process took over 4 hours, and I was only using less than half the hard drive space total.


At the end of the GParted task ---- I saw the status bar say there were 4 minutes left --- so I used my Apple Watch to time 4 minutes.

4 minutes on this NUC is much longer than 4 minutes.
2 minutes is much longer than 2 minutes.
and 1 minute is still considerably longer than 1 minute.




So, it is completely slow --- I'm still waiting for my system to be completely set up after more than two days of getting the system set up.


BUT ---- Once the system is set up, I think the NUC will run its tasks just fine.  That's what I THINK will happen.  It's going to be a lot more laid back once most of the heavy work is done, so it should work OK I'm guessing.


The worst that could likely happen for my purposes at this point is the hard drive gets full ---- along with possible slow downs in anything I might do.



You get what you pay for. Reminds us why we like fast machines. It's taking over 2 days to set up completely ---- but once the heavy work is done,  it should ride along smoothly for the little server tasks I put it towards, especially great because it runs on low power.

I'd give it 3/5 stars.




I would give it more stars because it works just fine considering the price paid ----- but I know a lot of people would probably be highly depressed by how slow this thing really is, so as it's not as super zippy as one would like it gets 3 stars.


As a home Linux desktop without much going on, like for email and browser --- I think it would be fine, with closer to 4/5 or 5/5 stars.


As a server 3/5 stars.

Simple Linux Desktop: it would be 5/5 stars.


Yay.




Oh --- and initially booting the OS is actually quite swift. Works great - just fine.



UPDATE::::

This morning the NUC finally finished the job I had set it to do -----

So I turned it off, and plugged in THE WATTMETER.

Turned off, this NUC uses 4watts.

Turned on, as far as I used it, it used between 13watts to 20watts at any given time.

20watts was with my bitcoin miner running.

13 watts was typical with the monitor turned off (but not including the monitor itself in the measure).

Running consistently at 20 watts for a year, I estimate this device would cost me about $10.50CAD -- for the year, in electricity charges.

But, it's usually running at less than 20 watts, so that lowers the cost a bit.

Friday, August 4, 2017

I Took the Plunge into New Hardware

I decided I should get new hardware --- to save electricity on always-running purposes.

The 1.4ghz mac mini with 4gb of ram and 500gb HD costs ~$600cad new or ~$500cad refurbished.

I decided to go for a 1.6ghz NUC with 8gb of ram and a 1TB HD, for only a bit less than $400 --- 2-year warranty included.


This MIGHT become a developing machine --- but probably not.


I'm replacing older more electricity hungry hardware with this NUC --- maybe but probably not for development.



And man ---- I'm sure glad I didn't go for that mac mini ------- because even with better hardware and a less resource hungry OS (Linux) ------ this 1.6ghz NUC is still painfully slow.


It'll probably work for what I'm going to use it for ----- but yeah, it's good to know I could get better hardware for cheaper, and not have risked trying to develop on something even slower.


But seriously ---- adding 400mhz to the clock speed would likely make this thing work quite a bit better. Hah.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

More Computer Discussion

Remember my posts from earlier about me trying to decide what kind of new computer I want on a new budget for a new project?

At first, I thought I would get the cheap computer --- something I can afford on my budget.

But then I thought against it because a 1.4ghz mac mini with 4gb of ram and a slow hard drive probably wasn't going to cut it for my development purposes, especially with the size of the game I was thinking of.





Well, today was our house's day for Furnace maintenance ------ and the technician was just talking to me and my Dad about computers --- apple computers specifically.

He said his laptop battery died a while back, so he decided it was time to get something new ---- he said he has a six-core machine that is more than he needs when he's just checking email.

But then he said when he gets into his computer graphics work that the computer slows down a bit.

Then it turned out that he said something about having done some work on Pixar at his graphics school ---- he said something about the work done on "Monsters Inc".

So, yeah, basically I just got the impression that our visiting furnace technician just said he did some work for Pixar, and that he's into graphics arts with his six-core Mac.




The main point of his message was this:::: Steve Jobs changed the world, and that for most people they don't really need anything really powerful computers wise.



So, though it may seem like an argument (that he may have unknowingly made) that said the 1.4ghz mac mini would be fine for my project ---- well, he didn't actually argue that as it wasn't involved in my earlier discussion on this blog, but it almost seemed implied ------ I would actually disagree because I've seen a 4gb mac with a slow hard drive operate before and it is painfully slow -- even just for email.


With only a 1.4ghz processor, and working on my biggest game project yet ----- I don't think it's suitable ---- although a better mac mini is currently out of my price range, mostly due to dental expenses.





So yeah, just weird how our furnace technician basically said he does graphics arts on this six core mac and his film school or graphics art school did work for Pixar. Huh. yeah. Interesting.


but he must be highly educated ---- because he also said he attended a law school for a while.


OMG. I'm not even going to say what I just suspected.



MORE:::::

Just yesterday I received my injection at the psychiatric clinic.

I told my Dad about how weird it was to talk to my injections nurse about recent movie releases ---- not only because of the topic itself, but it's also a little strange because my current injections nurse I've had for quite a while,,,

he looks similar to George Lucas.   He's not appearing absolutely the same as George Lucas ---- but he looks a LOT LIKE George Lucas.

That's probably more than I should say considering how information can be treated ---- but yeah:::

yesterday I feel how strange it is to discuss movie releases with a guy who looks like George Lucas who is acting as my injections nurse,

and today we get a furnace technician who talks about his film school's work for Pixar. Huh.

Just how things might be going I guess.

Haunted or Controller Lag?

In the days of OUYA --- if you didn't have wired internet to your OUYA --- and if you had multiple controllers,

your chances of "controller lag" increased.

This was highly annoying to so many people I'm sure, but considering how close "OUYA" is to "OUIJA" in the name it definitely could seem like your OUYA was haunted and there was a ghost controlling the machine.





But I was just playing with my Forge ---- a Cortex game.



Nyan Cat.

Rainbow Ride.


I felt I needed some mindless amusement to pass the time.


After a while of playing, I just put down the controller and left the game to its own devices. Of course, I "died" when not manipulating the character.


So, I played again, and again, just put down the controller --- but something different happened this time:::::


My character moved ITSSELF ----- my character was playing the game without my input, and it survived for as long as I let the game play itself.


The character never "died" ------ I was the one who manually ended the game.



I even took video with my iPhone of the incident ---- where my character was controlling itself and the game would not end ------- it really was as if the game was haunted at that point, and not in the non-intelligent "controller lag" way.  It was like some other intelligent being was actually controlling the character as if it were haunted.


Of course, the developer may have just programmed the game to do what it did --- it's possible ---- but seeing it play itself like that after I put my controller down definitely made me think of the "haunted controls" issue from OUYA days.



I still think Forge and Cortex are pretty decent services ----- but most people just didn't vote for the cheap and free system, so that's the way it goes.



"cheap and free" can actually be an awesome way to run a business, but for some reason, people opted for the more expensive NVidia Shield, which especially didn't make sense as I learned in a review that the Shield seemed to lack content (or it did back then).


But whatever, humanity doesn't make sense a lot of the time.



Cortex is pretty decent I think, it's humanity that tends to be defective.

Trying to Sound Smart

So:::: I'm not super-popular, but since my birthday I think I've noticed far fewer visitors to my blog, so I was thinking, and have come up with some things to say that I've figured out to try to sound smart, as well as to get my viewpoints across.


So, for the past long while, I've been learning about different potential banking systems a nation can use, like the current central banking system, or other options like gold or government fiat or even possibilities involving crypto currency.


We currently use central banking systems, and I think I've figured out some things::

What are taxes for?
1) Taxes pay the interest to whoever owns government debt.
2) Taxes lower inflation and;
3) Basically just make life more bearable/affordable, typically for people poorer than yourself (included in point 2).


That's basically how I look at it in a nutshell.  The government doesn't NEED taxes --- but if they didn't tax, then inflation would be like a runaway locomotive.

I even made a python script to act as a simple economic model to illustrate various spending rates and tax rates. Heck, this python model even shows that it was totally expectable that apparent massive inflation that happened back in the 70s and 80s - so I must be on to something.


So::: what use is this information?


It's useful in helping to figure out what kind of government you support with their different economic agendas.


Conservatives would typically spend less and tax less. If you spend more as a conservative and tax less, then there will be big inflation, I think.

But in my opinion, a government that spends little doesn't get much done.



To be honest, if a government is in debt, that debt doesn't totally matter too much (but it might add to inflation), unless you want to tax to pay interest and if the interest takes all your taxes and starts increasing taxes. So debt for the government isn't the worst thing ever, except for inflation and taxes.


But generally speaking, I'd say it'd be better for the government to hold all the debt rather than the individual citizens themselves. It's just nicer that way.



So:::  A conservative government would try to typically spend less --- which means there is less money in the economy or otherwise more debt for consumers, and basically the government just isn't taking care of people or doing things while the people themselves get dug into debt.


This is actually kind of problematic. It's a depressing picture in my mind I think, and I think we've seen this happen before.




But a government that spends more creates money and gets things done, causing people to have employment and resources to support them. Taxes here do a bit to equalize the wealthy with the poor --- but the main point would be to keep inflation lower with the higher taxes.



But what's really interesting is there was a TED Talk that said you are more likely to become a millionaire or billionaire in a social democracy rather than in a capitalist environment. That was pretty interesting.





So:::: from my perspective::::

A conservative government means fewer services and more debt for individuals ----

While a socially conscious government means more available services and lower debt for individuals ------


that's how simple it is ---- in my own mind thinking about this with the help of a simple computer model --- me trying to be smart like I used to be.





So, if this is an essay, I would just try to point out that social democracy makes way more sense than capitalism, or rather  NDP better than Conservative.


That is how I see it.



Conservative === fewer services, more personal debt,

NDP ==== many good services, individuals more likely to be financially successful in life.



That really is actually how I'm seeing it right now, with everything I've learned.






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On the religious side of this, I know LDS Mormon Prophet Ezra Taft Benson was saying that socialism is some kind of evil because it forces you to pay taxes, essentially ---- he believed people should be allowed to choose or not to choose to pay their taxes, is basically what I understood.


Here's the problem:::


If Millionaire A pays taxes but Millionaire B doesn't pay taxes ------

Then Millionaire A becomes less wealthy and Millionaire B becomes more wealthy than they would otherwise have been if they had both been forced to pay taxes by law.


Again, how I see it.


Basically, in an "optional tax system" people who don't pay would be overly advantaged and people who did pay would be overly disadvantaged --- which really just isn't right, THAT is actually an immoral system, that essentially punishes those who want to do good.


But if everyone pays taxes, then the system is fair, no one is overly advantaged for being greedy, and the good and charitable person is not overly hurt for their goodness.



So, yeah, basically the past LDS Mormon Prophet thought that forcing people to pay taxes was wrong (paraphrased), but I do not agree.


If you don't pay taxes or choose not to pay taxes, then you are really just exhibiting signs of narcissism and the like, and that's really not a good thing.


I believe that taking care of people is a really good idea. The least one can ask of all is to have all pay their taxes.




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In my thoughts and models, I was mostly basically considering income tax ----- I'm not going to state an opinion on tax-free savings accounts except to say that I still view TFSAs as socially conscious, which I accept.





So there you go, this is me trying to write something that sounds smart and might seem overly complicated who doesn't understand things I've learned.



It's also basically my way of saying "Social Democracy looks like the way to go", which is why I like the NDP.