Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Composer

I grew curious today about how many copies of the Edith Finch video game have sold, so I went to to see if I could find.  VGChartz didn't even list the video game as released, it was still "TBA 2017", so I went to to verify the release date.

No, I didn't get a special early release, it has been released, it's just that the composer of the game is one "Jeff Russo".

Jeff Russo did soundtrack for the Fargo TV series.  If you look far enough back on this blog, the Fargo TV series was filmed locally near my home.

I still remember that day::: wanting to go out walking for a while, while listening to music, but down one side of the street there were dogs running about un-fenced and un-leashed, while if I headed in the other direction I think the police presence was there to say "you shouldn't walk there while we're shooting [film]."

Yeah. I mean, it was nice to know that there was a new local show in town, but I felt boxed in.

Who knows? Maybe the wireless headphones I was wearing were the problem. Maybe.

So:::: A video game which I find loosely relatable to myself is composed by a guy who made a local TV Show and the creative director's name resembles a family friend's name. OK. Hahahaha.

I hope the game has success, because it is actually beautiful, and it was one of the few uses I had with my PS4 (I tend to go for the cheaper Android TV unit, as well my Dad is often watching the TV my PS4 is connected to).

So, just curious about the sales of this game to, hence the visit to

The PS4 is a great system, but the Forge TV is more accessible and affordable for a guy like me who has a pretty low budget, a low budget while at the same time I try to save money for the future. I stopped eating cheeseburgers::: I eat real cheap at-home food now. Seriously. :)

Thursday, April 27, 2017

First! Member of team #Canuck

I woke up this morning, got an email from the World Food Programme at the UN ---- they asked me to join team #Canuck so us Canadians can donate 150,000 meals to hungry children in our 150th anniversary celebration.

I joined the team, and donated the 1 week's worth of food they asked for.

I was supposed to spread the word by using the hashtag #Ask1To Ask1 , so I did using Facebook, although I'm not sure my friends will necessarily be interested.

Yeah, just funny for me that I'd be the FIRST and so far ONLY member of the special Canadian team for ShareTheMeal (app on iphone) from the the UN's World Food Programme.

Either I got lucky, or who knows? Maybe I'm considered to be a problem, so I get segregated from other Canadians? Or maybe not? I don't know.

I try to be a good person. I'd say there are a lot of trouble-making Canadians I've seen through my life, so does it make sense to segregate me from the rest? Or am I the first? Who knows.

Hopefully other Canadians will join the team, because I'm not sure you can rely on me to get us to the 150k of meal donations mark. I have my limits!


Last night my mind was racing to think about that Edith Finch video game. My brain just couldn't let go thinking of it, until I started thinking about wanting to play with my Apple II again.

So, I guess, the game is only coincidentally connected to my old moniker in title name, and the first part of it seemed like my mom, some parts kind of remind me of myself, and now there was one part that -sort of- reminded me of my one sister.

Maybe I shouldn't think much of it. Maybe it's only a coincidence.

If anything, it's actually a beautifully crafted game.

It's just a coincidence. Although some things do seem to compare a bit. Heh.


I had another look at the email from ShareTheMeal ----- looks like this Canadian Celebration of Giving is supposed to start on June 26th. But the email says I'm also allowed to share this message with my Canadian community.

Sad thing is, I am introverted, without much in the way of friends and all that. But I've done what I think I can.


I've continued on with this game a bit further.

It obviously becomes a big "fantasy" ----- I am only able to draw some loose slight comparisons with myself now.

I wish there was a button I could push to start from the beginning again, because there were just some things about the first parts that I'd have wanted my mom to see.

But yeah, lots of artistic license, becomes fantastical, where I can only draw maybe some loose connections with myself.

But that's OK.  It's a beautiful game. Very creative.

And it does have some sense of reminding me of my Mom's life and stories.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Looks like it's for my Mom

Today I was looking at my Apple Music, and I found a new rock band that involves my "mom's name" in their band name. I added the music because it was decent and I thought I'd show my mom later.

Now, I've played to the first couple of save points in this "Edith Finch" game ---- and I'm going OMG OMG OMG.

The first opening scene of the game was awe inspiring for me, but I won't say here.

I'll just say that the game seems to relate pretty good with my Mom, because I've been a part of my Mom's life well enough to know that this game is likely for her.

And it's a beautiful game too. But, I had to put it down to write about my excitement in this blog post.

The one major thing that I could see in this game that related it personally to myself, besides my mom, is this:::

The girl says she knew someone named "Lewis" (Louis? I can't remember the spelling) when she was young, but he died when she was young.

This relates to me, because I had a friend online I knew as "Lews", and yes, he died while I was still pretty young.

So, there does appear to be a reference to me in that way, a friend who died when I was young, but mostly I can see my Mom in this game. I have to show it to her.

A number of things can cause me to relate this game to my Mom, but I will not explain here.

Also:::: In the extra areas of the profile for the game, I noticed a bunch of Japanese writing. A clue?? :)


Remember how my ex-Stake President's name in the LDS church was "Stephen Miller", and how that kind of compares with "Stephanie Meyer", the writer of the Twilight books?

The Creative Director of Edith Finch is one "Ian Dallas" ----- a name easily comparable to someone I know "Ian Davis".

Ian Davis has been an acquaintance of our family for a long time, and is a close friend of my brother-in-law.

Just a coincidence? Kind of like the Stake President's name comparing with the famous author?

So weird.


Part of my brain is trying to tell me not to think much about this game, that it's "just another videogame", pretty much accusing my personality of being paranoid.

I don't really know what's going on, so why should I think this has anything to do with me?

Except, my memory from earlier ---- my curiosity and interest were immediately piqued when I saw the name "Finch" in teh game title ---- the trailer reminded me of some themes of my past work, and then, when I actually played the game ------- I'm not going to spoil anything about the game from the short amount of it that I've played already, but when I was playing in my mind I was able to easily draw comparisons between some ideas in the game and my Mom.

Of course, it's not a perfect or even exact copy of my Mom, they've used lots of artistic license, but a number of elements of what I already saw are right there in my Mom's life.

I shouldn't be paranoid, like part of my brain is accusing me of being paranoid ----- but another part of me can't help but draw comparisons.

If anything, the game has very pretty graphics.

Maybe I'm just tired -- there might not be an actual good reason why I'm posting this additional, other than I've started to fear my own paranoia on this game. I can already see it in my head "it's just a video game, stop being so paranoid" ---- but it compares so well with things I already know in my own life. Oye.

"What Remains of Edith Finch"


Remember how a Japanese person wanted to buy me for lots of money?

Well, on Sony Playstation 4 today, a NEW VIDEO GAME HAS BEEN RELEASED!!!!

"What Remains of Edith Finch"

Story of death and a cursed family or something --- I still haven't played the game yet, I'm downloading it (I just bought it).


I don't know if I'll ever see money from this Japanese person, because 1) My bank account doesn't have a SWIFT code, 2) The Japanese was diffcult to completely understand and my interpreter didn't believe the message and 3) She mentioned a big sum of money, but when I suddenly expressed interest in the deal it was questionable if money was still involved.

I only suddenly expressed interest in the deal when I saw the release of the "Moana" trailer from Disney ------ as I first got the Japanese messages I suspected Disney may have been involved, but when I saw a tropical island movie with evil coconuts on Youtube, I realized I might need to pay attention.

So:::: What's going on?? I Have no idea.

I edited The Book of Finch over and over and over again, and now there's a game about "Edith Finch". Yay!!!!

It's just exciting and makes me feel good.

Don't know how to deal about the money right now ---- In a past more recent message she said there would be money headed in my direction, so I don't know. Remember::: My interpreter didn't even believe it.

So, who knows what I'm supposed to think, all I know is I was being bought by a Japanese person, lots of money, and now this game is released, and it appears to have some essence of my work/life in it, just from the preview trailer I saw.

So:::: Family curse, yes, I would pretty much sort of have to agree that my family is cursed::: with mental illness.  I don't know what the curse is in the game yet, but my username on PSN involves the name "Finch", and now there's a Finch game, and yeah, I feel pleased as punch.

But in all seriousness, I can't be bothered to read every single Japanese email I receive. There's too many of them. And it's a process to translate them.

I'm just feeling excited now.

Is this game what that Japaense email was about? I'm not sure, but I can see comparisons between the game and my already printed material, so I guess I'll just have to play the game.

We'll see if I even have attention span for games like this anymore. I hope so. I never finished Red Dead Redemption, Max Payne 3 or The Bard's Tale (yet), so yeah, my attention span is a concern when going into this adventure. Oh well.

Yay! I feel special!!! At least I'm Finch and the game Is Finch too, so yeah.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Becoming Unmotivated

This is a blog post about how I don't feel the drive to continue in my business, besides writing this free blog posts and maybe a few youtube videos that people won't bother to watch.

Like, when I was a student ---- I was a REALLY good student. I did what I was supposed to, and I ranked very highly among my classmates.

But that didn't continue --- why?

My explanation for my downfall was just the mistreatment I received from those around me.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but I could create quite a list of things that people were doing to me or had done to me that wrecked my brain as I was schooling.

People just didn't treat me very well ---- and as such I eventually completely dropped out of school.

I love the Razer Forge TV. I have a PS4, and I have some high quality games on my PS4 ---- but I am far more likely to play something cheap, which is just as fun for me, on my Forge TV. Heck, this morning I even took my old Apple II off the shelf, plugged it into an old black and white tv I have, and played "Nerm the Worm" ---- that was actually pretty fun for me, and it didn't have to be the big expensive game system with the heavy graphics.

Anyway, I also had lots of fun developing games for OUYA and Cortex.  Problem was ---- I still haven't received even my first paycheck from Cortex/OUYA. I sold some games, but not enough to get paid.

And the lack of money received has, over time, demotivated me, so I don't feel so likely to work again. On anything.

Heck, I've even written most of another book --- and this other book has some pretty interesting things in it too ----- but the fact that people just don't pay me for my work has actually caused me to slack off on this project, and I've basically decided that I'm not even going to publish --- simply because people just wouldn't pay me the smallest price for anything I did.

Amazon recently sent me an email asking me to advertise on their marketing services --- that sounds interesting, but I'm more inclined just to save my money --------- I've already done so much to advertise and all that ------ and people just won't pay me.

So, the lack of money I receive from my work is kind of depressing, and I am no longer motivated to build projects.

I can't say I know for certain exactly why I'm not getting paid ---- but the simple fact that I'm not getting paid is slowing down my pace of work quite a bit.  If there's no reward, then why should I try to entertain or inform?

I know part of the problem is just that people bought NVidia Shields instead of Forge TVs ----- but another big part of the problem is that people couldn't be bothered to actually pay me for a legitimate copy of my book ---- people ripped me off.

So yeah, I'm just not interested in working in an environment where people aren't rewarding me for my effort ---- kind of like how people just treated me like shit even though I was one of the best students - I just won't continue.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

An Unexpected Phonecall

Information travels doesn't it?

A little while ago I got an unexpected phonecall. I didn't recognize the phone number so I screened it.

I looked up the phone number online and found that it's an equipment or construction company from Balzac Alberta, which is very unusual.

My first thought was that it was likely a wrong number. This probably was the answer.

But then I also realize that I own a few shares of a REIT that is involved in industry.

Could I have received this phonecall because of my minute say in a potentially industry related company?

After receiving a phonecall from a company related to my brokerage months ago, I got a phonecall from an unidentified financial institution ---- could this have been because of the Canadian Financial ETF I owned a bunch of shares of at that time?

I'm still pretty poor --- although I am technically "rich" compared to so many other people ------

but I didn't think that my share of these companies would make me a big enough player that people would phone me about it.

Although, there was once a time years ago when I owned quite a number of shares of Cineplex (which I eventually sold to pay off debt) and I think I used my influence with those shares on Cineplex to release religious movies in theatres at that time, which was interesting.

With Cineplex, I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but they seemed to go with religious themed movies for a while, perhaps inspired by something I said. So yeah. who knows.

So, I don't know what this phone call was about, probably a wrong number::: just going to say that I'm not a big player in any company I own, so I don't see why anyone would phone me about whatever role they might think I play.


I checked my email today ---- Facebook is telling me there's quite a bit of activity on my The Book of Finch facebook page.

Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

The story of my life had some big exciting parts in it ---- but that story is "crap-tastic" enough that I'd be afraid if it came to haunt me at this point in my life, a point in my life where I now feel good about living, happy, and am enjoying myself.

Of course, with all this interest in my book, you'd think I'd have seen many sales for my books.

So--- where are the sales?

There are options about what's going on here::: Like people refuse to pay, and just use the free version. Or maybe my life is viewed as so craptastic that I'm not allowed to profit from my life so they donate it charity. Or maybe it goes into a secret and hidden Registered Disability Savings Plan for me. Who knows.

Part of the joy of doing the work I've done would have been to see the sales reports ---- but I don't get to have that, for whatever reason. Something strange --- Facebook says there's a lot of activity, but I don't see activity in my portals.

Who knows.

But other news in regards to literature::::

I've been reading this book since I went camping last year ----- in my more recent reading, later in the book, Max Payne is mentioned alongside with Batman and Superman. Hmmmm. And a boy gets help from a Demon to write a piece of music. Kind of reminding me about how I wrote my own music for Pfhonge, though I am untrained in music.  Hmmmm.  And the story is about psychiatry and all that --- and the last name of the front cover book reviewer has a similar surname to my MLA's surname. So who knows. Picked up the book for cheap from a dollar store. Yeah, really, who knows.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Is it just my eyes???

Almost whenever I write an email or a blog post ---- I am always usually pretty sure I have the message properly typed out, even with proof-reading.

But then, when I send or post the message, invariably the computer almost always seems to change or delete one of my characters in one of my words in what I just wrote and sent or posted.

It's so annoying!!! I am usually pretty sure about the quality of my writing, but it's like the computer inserts typos!!!

Happens a lot when I program too!! I feel like the most absent minded guy.

Well, today I was doing an online course for learning the Swift programming language, and I think I might've seen a clue into the problem:::

The playground the teacher was showing had a simple statement:

if (x < y)

That's all well and good, but as I looked at the "<" in the statement, my eyes appear to have some kind of problem where the < can appear to look like a >.

It's the weirdest thing how less than became greater than, and I could see it switch between the two as I concentrated on the character.

Either the screen of the computer was changing the character,

or at this point I'm now thinking it's likely that I've got a problem with the lenses in my eyes or whatever, and somehow the < gets reversed to >.


I was actually noticeably physically watching the character go backwards.  Very weird.

Hopefully it's just optical and not dyslexia.

The Law of Attraction since my childhood

The truth is, my brother and I were actually very smart guys.

What went wrong? Why the mental illness?

My theory is that our "evil" sister had a way of just treating us like we were mentally ill, she would treat us like we were mentally ill, and would deliberately try to drive me (us?) crazy.

My brother and I were actually quite intelligent:::: if The Law of Attraction is true though, then it's obvious why we went insane:::: we had an evil sister who was TRYING to drive us insane.

My brother is actually quite intelligent, when his brain is working.

And yes, I think Karma did come around and did some justice to that sister ---- and though it feels like justice for me, it's so sad for her. Not going into detail though.

At least she grew up to be a nicer, better person, I think.

Monday, April 17, 2017


Since my latest posts where I would be wrong no matter what side I chose, two interesting situations developed.

OK ---- Remember how if I turned against the Mormon church that I would be considered abusive to women?

It almost seems like someone out there in internet-land realized what the beliefs of the Mormon church were and said a prayer to curse the females in my family ----

I didn't have to lift a finger to hurt them, in fact, I show them the obvious morale support,

but yeah, since those two most recent blog posts adverse situations have come out of pretty much or almost nowhere and two out of three of my immediate family females are facing problems. And the third female faces automatic issues every day for the past however long.

For privacy's sake, I'm not going into detail::::

But every single female in my immediate family is facing difficult issues now. One had already longstanding issues, while the other two issues just popped up in just the past day or two.

I wish I could tell them how I understand and how to fix the spirituality of this situation --- but I'm not allowed to. And they probably wouldn't believe me anyway ---- my talk about The Law of Attraction (AKA The Secret) often falls on deaf ears.

So::::: It's like some magical force decided to turn against my family's women, and I didn't have to do anything.

The most major personal issue I've had to deal with  over the years was mental illness ---- but I've had plenty of help and support for that, and it's obvious why I would be having issues with that.

While other members of my family seem to have it so much worse than I have had.

I wish my family would start being smarter, but often Mormons don't know everything about their belief systems, and even if they find something un-wanted in their beliefs they just ignore it or put it on "the shelf".

Mormons often don't realize the full system of beliefs in their religion for quite some time, if at all.

So::::: if I was anti-Mormon I would be "abusing" the women in my family, but natural forces of "science or magic" are enough to turn against my women by themselves, and now I get to show my women morale support so I don't seem like the "bad" guy. Huh.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Feeling Insecure/Uneasy

Seeing as how yesterday's post stated I would be wrong no matter what side I chose, I think I am well justified in feeling quite insecure and uneasy today.

I just have a sensation in my feelings like something or anything could go wrong at this point.

The truth is, I've been living in a state of flip-flop neutrality for quite a while now, and things are going "smoothly".

Sometimes I think nicely about the Mormons, but other times I realize how wrong it is.

There are good things and bad things about Mormonism.  In the end I can not really support them, because of how "Mormonic" it is (I think Joseph Smith chose that word intentionally),

but I also just don't talk to it about my Mom, usually.  Nothing I can do will change her mind.

Either Joseph Smith intentionally created his religion that way (Mormonic) or it just turned out that way because the creator wasn't thinking straight.

Either way, in the end, the religion just doesn't work, for me at least.

There are too many human fallibility variables involved.

it's a church where your eternal standing and outcome actually depends on the actions of someone else, not your own actions.

So yeah.

Just saying, I was feeling or am feeling insecure and uneasy, like something could go wrong.

But we manage to go our way without thinking about the church verbally in our home, because we already, more or less, know each other's positions, and we just don't discuss it.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Youtube replies?

So, in my second to last post I talked about economic equalization and how my mom and church do not believe in becoming super-wealthy.

In my last post I take a hint from the Plan Canada Charity that maybe my sales were donated to charity.

Well, Youtube, keeping up with their habit of talking about things I might be interested in, however they do this, put a video in my feed entitled "Who gets the royalties to Hitler's book?"

After Hitler died, in the most basic way to put it, good causes and charities got the royalties to Hitler's book.

And, undeniably, the contents of my first book are likely considered disturbing enough that it's not impossible that people would not want me to benefit from my own work.

My life is just a tortured painful mess isn't it?  It's hell growing up, it's hell trying to figure out the truth, and when I publish the truth, it's more hell where I can't get paid.

As I told the psychiatric nurse earlier:::: it doesn't matter what side I choose, I'm going to be wrong.

What do I mean by this???

I grew up as a Mormon. I was brainwashed by Mormonism. I read the book of mormon. I found out that God wants to the Jews to be scourged.  If I am pro-mormon, that means I am anti-Jewish, and people will dislike me heavily for this.

BUT ---- If I reasonably look at Mormonism and realize it's a load of quackery nonsense and baloney, then what?

Well, first off, if I try to make my family see the truth about their church and try to impress their minds to change, then I am being abusive to the women of my family.

You see, pro-Mormon, I am wrong for anti-Judaism.

As an anti-Mormon, I am wrong for "abusing women."

It doesn't matter what side I choose, I am going to be wrong. Hence, they decide to not let me make money from my publications maybe?

Anyway, to be clear::: The men in my family have enough brains to figure out the church was baloney.

Women, I hear from men's groups, are a bit slower than men.  The women in my family can't even be told about the problems with the church they hold so dear, or else I would be abusing them.

I could talk about this concept from another historical perspective as well:::::

But the point remains:::: Pro-Mormon or Anti-Mormon, it doesn't matter what side I choose I am going to be wrong.

The best choice, obviously, is to be neutral.  The problem is that when I grew up in Mormonism they taught that fence-sitting wasn't allowed ---- Your only choice is to be neutral, but the Mormons themselves say you have to pick a side, that there is no fence-sitting.

So really, I can't win, and if whatever evil I do may be a reason why I can't get paid ---- then I was doomed to no-royalties ever since my life began because:::::

My life was one big shit-mess right from the start.

I was given really-really shitty circumstances, and having lived through those circumstances, and now having written the book about it, I am further "shit-ified" by not being allowed to get paid for the story, or even for any of my work.

Seriously? I don't want to get into a huge discussion about my life growing up here, but it suffices me to say that I was handed a lemon in life.

And I've tried to make lemonade with that lemon, but my lemonade stand apparently isn't allowed to make a profit. So whatever.

So really, my life's wish of becoming wealthy is washed away simply because of all this bullcrap I've had to deal with since the beginning.

It doesn't matter what side I choose in the Mormon debate --- I am going to be wrong no matter what. And I was taught that neutrality wasn't even an option, even though it seems like the only reasonable choice at that point.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

How I Changed the World?

I just received an email from Plan Canada --- they're telling me about how much I've changed the world.

The thing about emails like this that confuses me is that they say I did all this, they don't mention it as a job of all Canadians or a job of all Plan donations -------

the exact quote from this message is "Can you guess how much your gifts of hope have changed lives?"

The only other mention for being involved here is "*Some of these projects received financial support through the Government of Canada" (I assume through price matching).

Basically, explicitly, all this message says I that me, with the help of the Government of Canada ---- gave tonnes of help to impoverished people throughout the world.

The amount of help given ----- I could only imagine this would be true if it was the Government of Canada or if other Canadians were also in on this ---- but they leave other canadians out of the message, as if I myself personally was responsible for all this charity.

I remember a message from Plan from a number of years ago --- I will look it up ......

I was looking at older emails that are similar, but am not getting all the info because the images and videos and pages in these messages no longer exist.

Anyway ----- Plan has a way of telling me that I, myself, did all kinds of things, and I just sit here being confused.

The only way I could have done all those things through my own donations was if I made tonnes and tonnes of money from sales, and those sales were donated to charity.

Helping people is good.

So yeah, I'm confused ----- is it really just me doing all these charitable donations, or is it all of canada together as a whole?

Now --- if it is all of canada together as a whole ---- then if they can afford all those donations, then surely they could afford my cheap products right? But I don't see sales?

So maybe I do sell a tonne, and maybe it gets donated to charity, hence why Plan Canada specifically/explicitly states that I'm providing all this help without mentioning anyone else except for the Government matching my donations.

Either it's just me and the government, or it's all of Canada.

If it's just me ---- then that surely explains where all my sales went.

But I don't really know.

And yeah ---- it's A LOT of charity.

Helping people is good.

If all of canada could afford this charity, then surely they could afford to buy my products. So who knows. (somehow just not seeing any or many sales)

Monday, April 10, 2017

On Economic Equalization

One of the good-er beliefs that LDS Mormonism raised me with was a belief, essentially, in economic equality.

Ezra Taft Benson was adamant that Mormonism is opposed to Socialism, but truly, at the heart of Mormonism, is a belief in making sure everyone is provided for - to live in a society where there is no rich and no poor.

Truly, with all the work I have done, there was potential for me to make a huge bucket of money.

But, conversely, my Mom would not have approved.

I grew up in a religion that taught me to work for free, essentially.

My Mom has historically expressed her thoughts about how she would dislike being seriously-super-wealthy.

I believe it is good to help the poor, because I myself was once very poor and I needed help to get out of that situation.

On a personal level, I am still pretty poor, I'm still below-equal compared to a local minimum-wage earner--------

but on a family level, all of my immediate family working together and I am a lot wealthier that way --- just my living with my family I am "equalized" into a better economic state.

so::: Being with your family is good, and helping the poor is good.

When I was about 13 or 14 years old, I asked GOD for a million dollars.  He's almost managed to give it to me on at least two occasions now. :)

Profit-motive can be good, so pure economic equality seems unfeasible ------ but having a system where everyone is provided for is also important.

I would like to note that my speculative mind is very creative in thinking of possible explanations for why it's so hard to get paid for my games and books --- so I'm not complaining much --- as many explanations are pretty valid. I don't actually fully KNOW what's going on, I just speculate there could be a good reason for it.

So, I live comfortably with my parents. I haven't "achieved" my goal of a million dollars, but I've come close at least twice ------ maybe my Mom just doesn't want me to be super-rich.

I suppose living at home with my parents is a good situation -- as long as we are properly medicated.

Not much more to say.

I just hope to live in a world where everyone has at least the basics (and maybe more). Profit motive gets things done however.

Ah just saying my mom didn't want to be super-rich and I'm trying not to complain about lack of reported sales. I just hope it's for a good reason.

I hope it's not wrong for me to discuss this

A few days ago, I watched an episode of a documentary on Netflix, I think it was called "Nazis on Drugs".

This documentary basically revealed that Nazis were able to quickly take over Europe, and they claimed their super-human ability, because they were all high on Crystal Meth.

Crystal Meth is apparently a very strong stimulant that can keep you going for days without sleep.

The Nazis were able to take over France because their army didn't need to rest --- they just kept going and going, very quickly.

And they got the ability to go for days without rest because they were on Crystal Meth (called Pervitin by their pharmaceuticals back then).

NOW:::: I WILL compare Nazism to Mormonism, or maybe, contrast, or maybe, we'll just get confused.

Mormons have their word of wisdom.  It says if you follow as prescribed, "You shall walk and not be weary, run and not faint".

Mormons, in their word of wisdom, as they interpret it, do not drink Coffee, and for a long time it was widely believed that the MILD stimulant caffeine was also banned.

And, of course, I'm sure any mormon will tell you that Crystal Meth is a "DEFINITELY NOT"!!!

But that's the thing though, because the Nazis went running for days on end without sleep BECAUSE of the drugs they were on,

While Mormons expect you to do basically the same thing WITHOUT even Caffeine.

I went a long time in my life without much or any caffeine --- and I know the drive to fall asleep is strong.

Basically, Joseph Smith claimed you will get the effects of an EXTREME stimulant without doing any drugs at all,

While actual science and history tells us you are going to fall asleep without your Crystal Meth.


I have basically understood that Joseph Smith wants everyone to be on Crystal Meth, while at the same time claiming to be drug-free.

Because if you were really drug free, you wouldn't actually run and not be weary and all that ----

A mormon would fall over from too much running easy,

while a nazi could run for days on his crystal meth.

Yeah, something about the claims of Joseph Smith aren't making sense again.

Or was this Documentary just anti-nazi propaganda? I dunno. Why would the documentary lie?

Joseph Smith WOULD LIE.

Why would a documentary make stuff up?

So yeah, basically actual history and science again refute the claims of Joseph Smith and the Mormon Church.  Obviously someone is not telling the truth.

And I just hope it's going to be OK for me to discuss Nazi's on Drugs on this website, because I'm comparing it to Mormonism, and the information is based on a Netflix Documentary.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Life is so big

Life is so big. I feel so small. I'm a big person, but I am very limited.

With all these Japanese emails, which initially seemed to offer a lot of money ---- maybe I'm disabled and naive by even bothering with these messages ------ and even if they were for real, what they offer is probably bigger than I am as a person. Could I handle such a transaction? Maybe not? But, I am not allowed to forget this Japanese person --- the emails are incessant (which is a sign that this is not for real I'm guessing).

But life is so big, and I know I can't handle it alone.

But I don't have any real good close friends.

I have my family. I have some "distant friends" ----- my best friend is probably my Dad, but he is not much of a gamer, so I often don't get to play multiplayer video games besides Clash Royale.

I have my family, but not much friendship beyond that.  And when my family is pretty heavily handicapped ---- life seems like a bit too much. We go smoothly along,

but how to deal with my business of trying to make money seems to be more than I can handle, or we can handle.  There's just too much involved when it's not a simple process where people would just pay me.

Ahhh ---- my credit card is max'd out and I just had a credit card automatic bill declined ----- yes, that's a bit much, got an emergency now. Gotta go.

At least I have a family that can likely help me with this situation. yay.

Friday, April 7, 2017


The last email in my inbox from the Japanese person: "Reigistration completed for 10 yen".

And then ---- BOOM ---- I think she signed my OUYA address up for Snapchat --- in Japanese.

Well, I'm confused.

I thought buying me would mean Disney might take over Blaine Bananatree or maybe Sony wanted the Bananatree games on PS4 ------

I've obviously misunderstood something (no surprise there).

Well, now I can't help but think the whole thing is going to fall through --------- I'm not much of a picture taker (for public viewing) and my family thought the whole thing was fake anyways.

What am I going to take pictures of? My hairy nostrils? Hah.

I know Avril Lavigne is apparently into SnapChat (as Twitter keeps reminding me) ------

But yeah, I don't see money being paid to me, I don't know exactly how SnapChat fits into this, and yeah

--- right from the very beginning I was pretty confused about what was going on with this emails, I never fully understood.

But, who knows.

But with recent things going on, I can't help but wonder if this is more Avril Lavigne related than it is computer game development related.

1) not-Avril is sighted multiple times in the past months.
2) someone has a lot of money for a lot of trucks.
3) invited to byu tv --- rock up mormon television somehow?
4) Avril is big snapchat user --- Japanese "buyer" signs me up for snapchat ----- coincidence?

Who knows.



I suppose there is some reason to disbelieve in this Japanese business, especially as signing me up for an account I didn't ask for, keeping the passcode to themselves, and I don't even know what birthday they put in -----

Yeah, it might be a little sketchy on how this is real -----

but rather than verify the Japanese snapchat using my email address, I signed up for my own, real, english truly legitimate snapchat.

My contact name or ID or whathaveyou is "krisattfield".  that's me. On snapchat. I'm very lonely. Not that it matters, because I'm not quite sure what I'd be taking pictures of, especially as I'm not a beautiful woman.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Sensory Overload

At first, I didn't feel like writing this. All the things going on are a bit much, especially as not-Avril Lavigne's appearance and japanese emails weigh heavily on my mind as I woke up.

Remember that email from Russel M Nelson? I responded to it -- but I didn't believe it was really the real Apostle.

Well, today I got an invitation from the LDS Church tv station ---- BYU TV ---- to come to their (studio?) in Provo Utah for some entertainment thing.

Today I got another invitation from a different entertainment company too, for something else.

Living such an extravagant lifestyle, if I tried to, I can't help but see myself going broke very quickly, especially as I haven't really been paid for the work on books and video games that I've tried to do.

I basically live on Disability life-support income and I've tried making extra cash to not-much-avail. (AND YES --- I AM ALLOWED TO WORK FOR MONEY EVEN THOUGH I AM CONSIDERED DISABLED).

So, I could easily go broke if I started going on all these "entertainment invitations" without getting paid --------- oh and my family is busy just trying to survive, as well as my Dad doesn't want me involved with the church.

Maybe the church expects forgiving and forgetting ---- but my Dad and I have had bad enough experiences that we're keeping it all out of sight and out of mind.

though, I suppose it's nice that they'd think to email me and invite me. The social life in the church used to be pretty good.


In Local news ----- well, for a very long time my Dad has or had suffered from a paranoid-and-irrational-fear-of-pickup-trucks (I'm actually serious, and yes, it bugs me that 2/3rds of my immediate family suffers from or has suffered from serious to severe head-problems) ----

Anyway, for a very long time my Dad has had this irrational fear of pickup trucks ----

So, I went out for two walks this morning, and both times I'm noticing a dense concentration of pickup trucks behind my house.  Very strange, it's almost like a big joke, or maybe it's supposed be therapeutic for my father ---- who knows.

But who could afford all those trucks? On my budget, that many trucks in a stack would be waayyy-beyond-my-means.

And then there's another bit of news that I'm not going to report on because I don't know all the details and I don't want to cause anyone alarm.  Just something else strange in the neighborhood too.


So yeah, today I feel like I'm experiencing 'sensory overload' ----- here I am trying to budget just $5 of food a day (by not eating fast food) and all I wanna do is reload my cereal and cheap-dinner supply --------

While I'm getting invitations to travel to Provo Utah within weeks and someone with a lot of money is making fun of my Dad or something. :)

Just weird. Too much to think about.


It definitely seems like I should kick into gear with this invitation from byu tv - I brought the email to the attention of my mom and she is receptive to the apostle's name and initials and she would probably like to visit Provo but she realizes I can't drive and she knows everyone in the family is most likely too busy to help me with this undertaking, especially on such short notice.

My dad doesn't even want me to think about the church so I'm not discussing this with him.

Besides - The expense of such a trip could put me out of business with my income, to put it simply. So far, I can't afford a trip like this and expect to feel well financially.

I do realize I should get into gear though, not sure I'm able to however.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Transfer Points?

I just figured out this morning that I can easily translate text using Google Translate with my iPhone using the camera --- so I used my mac email in conjunction with the translate camera program on my iphone.

For this one email, according to text translate, it means : "Cumulative assignment point" or something.

But with the phone camera app it says: "woman cumulative transfer points" --- although at one point the word woman at the beginning was replaced by the word "princess" at the end.

In a past response I did mention "disney princess" ---- although they said there'd be some kind of celebrity guest, and "(not?) Avril Lavigne" has shown up, and she's the punk-princess or whathaveyou, so huh.

But yeah, in the most emails on my computers inbox, it was just a bunch of stuff about these transfer points.

Very interesting. The mystery unfolds.

The text translation on does not translate the same thing exactly as my iPhone's camera with the same app.

One leaves the woman/princess out --- with this new method I'm seeing "woman" or "princess" appear.

OK then.

And Avril Lavigne or her body double has been seen in the area multiple times in past months. Huh. Very very cool/interesting.

Monday, April 3, 2017

The simple life, or Mania?

For years now I've been living a pretty simple life --- I may be somewhat famous but I don't earn much or any money and I basically just stay calm living with my parents.

But with more recent developments, such as seeing a 2.6 million price tag on my book, or seeing someone wanting to buy me for even more ---- and then seeing someone who looks like Avril Lavigne coming along ---- I could end up diving headfirst into mania with things like this going on.

I could be schizoaffective. I'm like a schizophrenic (according to so many people) --- but with bipolar included ---- which means I have low lows (which I do) and I can get pretty high on life.

I'm actually wondering if there's wisdom in trying to keep my mood stabilized --- because I can start feeling really good about seeing big numbers and all that. And it is possible to feel "too good".

Actually getting paid more would probably be nice -- I might be able to learn to drive so I can transport myself. but, I have few friends, so I'm not sure how great things could be with such small circle of friends, when my place is basically at home with my family.

Obversely, if I were to live on my own I recognize I could get really depressed being by myself all the time --- that plus not having enough money to pay for everything on my income.

Sometimes it feels like the best place for me to be is just living a simple life with my family.

Although, with the right social connections (such as if Avril Lavigne wanted to be my really-good-friend) maybe I wouldn't mind trekking into a world of mania.

So::: should I live a simple life with my parents, where we try to keep my mood stable, or do I go off into mania, with huge success and all that?  The other option is more depressing--- lonely without enough money.

Hopefully things will work out ---- but I wonder how having huge success with big numbers could affect a mind that's schizoaffective.

Just thinking about it moments ago and I could feel the mania perk up.

Latest Email

To be honest, I don't read every Japanese email I receive -- there are too many of them, and the amount of trust placed in them around me is very low.

But in recent blog posts I said the sender claimed to work on Marvel movies for Disney or Sony or something.

The most recent visible message on my iphone I looked up (some messages go to spam, others to a Japanese filter folder I have --- I can't read them all, which is too bad if this is real, but it also makes me nervous and anxious).

Anyway:: the most recent visible email on my iphone said:


Which Google Translate translates as "Fricomic's".

What's that mean? Friday Comics? I mean, I can see the comic part and how that would relate to Marvel.

So yeah, just lots of Japanese email, all short messages, which I can't be bothered to translate every single one. I just have the gist that they wanted to buy me, they said there'd be a celebrity guest appearance (Avril Lavigne maybe?) and I'm wondering how badly I'm screwing this up.


I have an OLD email address I don't even use anymore -- but I still accept email from it.  This is the email address I used to sign up for my LDS Account, and receive emails from the local Stake or Ward leaders or clerks or whathaveyou.

Well ---- I received a message from "rmnelson" this morning, and it's not a normal message, nor does it look officially church related, it's just a simple message and I have to think about what it means or how to interpret it.

rmnelson most likely might be RUSSEL M NELSON --- An LDS Mormon APOSTLE.

Yeah. Just a weird little email to receive from an address that at face value claims to be basically an LDS Apostle.  Just weird.  And it might need interpretation or context. Hmmm.

Well, that's interesting, to get an email like this --- although I wonder what he's doing at that email server. I suppose it's possible --- who knows.


Immediately after posting the above I looked up "Fricomic's" on Google --- It might have something to do with Spanish Star Wars.

That could be Disney. Wow huh.


I took an interpretive view of the email from rmnelson in my email ----

When taken literally, the message seems random and doesn't make any sense ------

but if I start re-arranging characters, it basically says:

"TV is not filtered, it's going down the tubes" ----- which is basically the LDS way of saying that somehow Nelson knows (maybe?) I was watching a really bad tv show last night.

Yeah the show (Trailer Park Boys) would not be approved of by Mormons, and even I had to turn it off because of how bad it was getting.  Just really bad behaviour in the show. Though it seems funny to watch.

But yeah --- who knows ------ last night I watched some "terrible" television that even I couldn't go all the way through last night, and today "an lds apostle" sends a basically coded message that I'm not behind a filter and my viewing habits have gone down the drain.

Really weird.

Is it really an LDS apostle? Maybe - why would anyone steal his ID???  And I suppose there are some ways he could know what I was watching last night, like if an angel came to visit.

And my brain is just weird how I'm able to look at his message and give it a special interpretation that kind of makes sense if you re-arrange characters and junk. Yeah. huh.

But yeah --- the show was getting so bad not even I felt I could watch all the way through, it just didn't appeal to my psychology at that time.

Weird stuff.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

I feel useless in this 'process'

The Sony (or Disney?) buyout emails were considered fake by friends and family.

They like to say the girl I see is just a body double of Avril Lavigne.

Apparently, not much can be trusted in my environment.

Why would anyone fake a buyout with an Avril Lavigne body double hanging around?

Maybe someone is just trying to make me feel good, after all I've done, and how all I get is AiSH.

If this is really fake, then it would be "trying to help Kristian feel like he's achieved something just to help him feel good about the dismal state of his sales".

But what if it is real?  What if people around me don't know how to properly identify Sony (or Disney?) and what if Avril Lavigne has come to check me out or at least provide me with moral support or comfort?

I would LOVE to have achieved something with my work ---- AiSH is basically the bare minimum for living, and it only really works if you live with your parents, or with a room mate who also makes money.

I've been trying to make money --- but something keeps me down --- whether is nobody is paying me, or people telling me this Japanese business is fake or whathaveyou, as well as people who won't allow me to be friends with Avril Lavigne.

I've been trying. I had all my prices down at $0.99 for a long time, and apparently people just couldn't pay that price.

Dunno what to do.

Maybe someone is just trying to help me feel good with pretty fantastic appearances and offers ----

Or maybe I've almost made it, maybe my Day is coming ----

but I feel so useless in the process. I only see this Avril-like girl once in a while, and historically I've just frozen up when I see her.  And it's just not the easiest thing to do business in Japanese, when the emails seem hopeful but don't seem totally official.

Just feeling useless about this process. I'd love to achieve success, but there are lots of nay-sayers, and I'm not really sure what to do, or even what to believe.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Opportunity of Life Time

I asked my magic 8 ball if I should post about the following on my blog.  Magic 8 ball warns AGAINST it ---- this time I will assume the magic 8 ball is wrong.

What I'm about to talk about seems so fantastic that it seems so unrealistic.  It seems so fantastic and unrealistic that me and my family and their friends have a hard time believing it too.

Sometime last year I started getting emails that claimed to be from someone who claimed to work on Marvel movies, whether it be part of SONY or Disney, I'm not sure --- it was all in Japanese (probably Sony at that point?).

This Japanese person wants or wanted to BUY me. Lots of money involved. My dad's Japanese friend dismissed it all as fake.

but --- also, for  quite a while in the past years or months ---- someone who looks A LOT like Avril Lavigne has been showing up at my psychiatric clinic.

I think Avril's label has something to do with Sony.

And a Japanese person writes to me about buying me, kept mentioning the word "calyx' or something like that, which is a botany term for something like a plant husk --- or maybe a banana peel.

Avril's been showing up. Sony wants to buy.

And we can't even believe our own two eyes about this things. She's right there, and I'm in shock - frozen.

The emails seem awesome, but it's hard to understand and my Dad's Japanese friend wouldn't interpret because he didn't believe it.

I mean, this has been going on FOR MONTHS ---- Japanese email from someone who worked on Marvel movies who wants to buy me, and Avril Lavigne showing up at the psychiatric clinic.

I must've been in shock or something for the past months.  When I see Avril at the clinics I can't even believe my own eyes.

OK --- it's possible "Avril" is just a body double, but to me it's basically her.

The emails were not believed by friends and family,

and the Avril is obfuscated by her pretending to be someone else who only happens to say she's a body double.

What the heck?? Have I been in SHOCK for months about this stuff?  The opportunity of a LIFETIME ---- and we can't believe it!!!!

I really should open my mouth to this girl at the hospital, at least make a comment that she LOOKS like Avril. I really should. I need to get the dialogue going.

I've just been in like a dream-bubble these months, like not even sure I'm seeing reality properly.

I mean, this post is just supposed to let it sink in::: that a Japanese person wants to buy me for lots of money, and Avril Lavigne (or her body double) has been showing up at the hospital.

I mean. Wow.  This has been going on FOR MONTHS ---- and I've basically been frozen or in shock the whole time.

of course, I hope for the best possible outcome, but now I'm wondering how I could let this go on for months and have barely spoken to this girl who looks like Avril. Huh. I need to get this ball rolling. I think. Huh.

It seems totally unbelievable ---- I'm basically frozen up with disbelief and my family and their friends didn't believe very well either.

It seems totally fantastic --- but what are the chances that a Sony employee would write me email about buying me, and Avril would show up at the clinic --- and both these things wouldn't be real?  Seems more likely it has reality to it. Huh.

I gotta kick into gear somehow. I dunno. We'll see. Hope for the best. Yikes.



I am getting all anxious and nervous now. Or, at least, I was when I got the latest message from this person who claims to have worked on Marvel movies.

Her message simply said "Easy?" in Japanese.

There have been enough emails that it would be difficult for me to go through them all with a translation program --- and the Japanese interpreter friend didn't believe.

But I have a general idea of what's been said, and I'm sure I'm missing lots, but yeah, I'm just anxious and nervous and wanting to talk to Avril, wishing I could go to the hospital and chat with her (fi that is her).

If it's not Avril, then that doesn't help very much --- but what are the chances that the girl who looks like Avril wouldn't actually be Avril? Yeah, that would be weird, or bit helpless or something.

This Japanese person clearly identified themselves. On Facebook their profile basically said they work for Triple-A Entertainment. Avril's been showing up. and I've been in shock or something.

And I'm nervous. Anxious. Kind of confused maybe.

So, yeah, I just wish I could talk to Avril -- see if she has an answer.  It appears like she has been visiting my clinic basically.

Just now I started feeling "exuberant joy - happy dance" feelings.

Something should happen, but I'm not sure what to do, besides try and strike up a conversation with this girl next time I see her.

So::: emotional, and wondering what comes next or what to do.