For the past few posts I've basically just been talking about how though I tried to be a good kid, I wasn't really too great of a kid.
This post in that series is about how I treated my siblings.
Basically::: My childhood with my siblings was a disaster. Hurt and offence all around.
My parents would say "it takes two to tango" ----- and it's mostly true that my brother and I and my older younger sister would go at it with each other --- it was horrible.
Nasty name calling, and all kinds of crap being performed towards each other.
It was a nasty awful childhood, and in some ways I may be seen as justified ---- but it was mostly just plain wrong to experience and be that way as a kid (although my Dad just accepted it as NORMAL sibling rivalry).
I don't entirely feel too bad about behaving poorly towards my older brother or my older younger sister, because they were generally treating me like crap too ------
but my youngest sister is different. My youngest sister is a really likeable all-round generally good person. Most or all people just like my youngest sister.
I preferred her too -----
but that didn't stop me from feeling messed up by the way my other sister treated me ------
Basically, I'm not sure I can fully explain why I did what I did, because it wasn't a real good reason, but what I did,
is I was basically nasty towards my youngest sister about her weight. Only for a short period of our younger childhood ----- but basically I would say I was getting messed up by the way my other two siblings were treating me, so I passed it on to my youngest sister.
She was a bit overweight, and I was unkind about it. I am ashamed of having been that way.
My youngest sister is one of the best people I know, and I was actually the lesser person for the way I treated her.
I was basically just so messed up by my other siblings that I passed it on to the youngest. Very sad.
What I did with my 2 other siblings was basically self defence ----- what I did to my youngest sister was more of a bullying situation. And I'm deeply ashamed of that.
It was when we were pretty young. And she doesn't seem to hold it against me, and it's good I didn't keep up that kind of behaviour ---- that behaviour lasted for a short time.
But generally speaking, my childhood was full of offence in relation to my siblings. It was just fucking awful to live through.
When I think about my childhood, I often end up feeling suicidal. Luckily, I'm not feeling suicidal right now, I just know there were deep problems with us as children, and I'm ashamed of how I once treated my youngest sister.
So, I really did try to be a good kid ----- but there was just so much wrong.
The church would tell us we would prosper if we did what we were supposed to.
My family DID NOT PROSPER. Something was just fucking wrong with our lives.
A big shame. But yeah, basically my family just has serious mental problems or something. Who knows.
And in my next blog post, I think I might (or might not) talk about a different angle on an issue from 13 years ago. I've barely touched on this before, but i thought about it last night.
Not fully sure I will talk about this though, I keep writing, but i wonder if I should just give my blog a rest.