Friday, February 10, 2017

Finicky and Emotional

I might be schizoaffective.

I've had my share of hallucinations, but I also get emotional highs and lows.

It is actually too bad that I'm so finicky and emotional, but my life has been screwed up in enough ways that sometimes I do wonder if people, or the world, just don't like me or hate me.

When I was in my early childhood, I had to put up with antagonism right from the beginning from my own siblings.

Then, by grade 8 and 9, all this antagonism at school as well.

I survived, but by grade 12 I was a psychological wreck ---- and even after seeing the psychiatrist there were still problems going on.

Basically::: I just wish the world would accept and love me --- I know this isn't going to totally happen 100%, but it's a problem when 100% of people prefer to turn their backs on me.

Maybe 100% of people wouldn't turn their backs on me, but when things turn south, I really do wonder if people really do dislike or hate me at a personal level.

People have antagonized me since I was very young remember ---- antagonism just makes me feel so bad.

So, maybe, with the above written, it should come as no surprise that with OUYA/Cortex's ranking systems that my mood is affected by the ranks my games hold.

Early this morning three of my games were the last ranked games in their genres, and this was a disaster to me, in my mind, wondering if people just hate me.

But later in the morning my ranks improved substantially, and I was able to feel a whole lot better about myself.

Yes, I realize it's probably not good that my emotions are tied to how many people play my games, but if all my games are the lowest ranked games, it seems like everyone has turned their back on me, and it feels like all my life I've been hated, since I was very young.

I feel lifted up when I see a sales report.

I know ---- my work isn't really worth a whole lot, it's not very important work, and there are a zillion ways that money could be spent in better more important ways than me and my little project ---- but I feel good to get some payment from time to time.

It would be no surprise to me if there were a 101 or 1001 ways my money could be diverted to be spent on more important things, but I charge money for my projects because I'm trying to live my life in a world where money is important.

I grew up very poor. I didn't have a game console in the house in my childhood --- my parents apparently couldn't afford one.

In fact, my life has been such a poor mess of antagonism, mental illness and poverty that I'm 32 years old, I live in my parents basement still, and I've NEVER learned to drive a car much less own a car or truck to drive.

So, I do have a drive to earn money, so that someday I might experience something more --- like maybe learning to drive or having my own place to live.

I understand if my projects aren't important enough to be paid, and I understand that there are 101 ways my earnings could be spent on something more important --- but I try to earn money so I can reduce the poverty that started early for me in life.


Why would I be growing up so poor and in poverty anyway ---- my Dad used to have great jobs that paid him lots, so what went wrong?

Two words, in my opinion::::: My sister.

Basically, In church, and my church isn't the only one with teachings like this, the teaching is that if you do what you are supposed to things will go well for you, that you will prosper.

My sister just had some issues.  When I end up going to hospital with a stab wound --- yeah, there are issues.

So my Dad lost his job and things didn't work out for us and we did not prosper.  My family has serious mental problems.


I try to be a good person though. For a while I snapped and became almost-sociopathic I think, but I've recovered from that now.  I've always just been trying to be a good person --- I just had a rough period where I snapped for a bit.


And today I installed Budgie Remix to replace Edubuntu on an old PC I have sitting on my bedroom desk. I like it.  Not sure what quite to say more ---- I wrote a bird-computer book, and now I've installed a bird-named-computer-os on my computer. Cool.  And it's a pretty nice system as well, a decent user interface. Yeah. Neato.

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