Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Deleted Last Post

I deleted the last post I made on this blog.

I'm just a bit afraid it might've been found too offensive, maybe. No one said anything to me, and it wasn't meant to be offensive, but I know that having delirious thoughts from the holy ghost may not be viewed as the most accurate source of information about Joseph Smith, and someone might take issue with what I said.

It's true that the delirious thoughts stopped right as I posted that blog post last night. I was having all kinds of delirious thoughts, and when I posted on blogger the thoughts were gone.

So, I don't know if anyone took issue with what I said, but in my mind I was fearful that someone might've, so I took down the post.

But I did look up Nephi scriptures and yes, in 2nd? Nephi 25:25 he teaches that the law is dead. I had some idea that nephi said something like that.

And there's a big piece of information from last night that weighs heavily on my mind now, but I'm not going to reprint it because someone just might take issue with it. Doesn't mean it wasn't true however (about Joseph Smith).

But yeah, my source was basically some kind of seance with the Holy Ghost, which may not be viewed as accurate, so I've taken the post down.

Sorry about that.


Oh yeah, and Mormon.org did send me an email that I received today, so they might'v sent it this morning or last night. Just has something to do with their Mormon profiles, so the probably weren't even aware of what I said ----- but they did send me an unusual email, so who knows.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Psychological Suppression is Bad

So, For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot, talking a lot, writing a lot ----- my brain has memories and issues to work out.

And I will say this much about that situation::: It's too bad that it's now 15 years later and it's still haunting my mind.


Psychology videos on youtube have explained that suppressing the discussion of issues like this just makes it come back more and more, stronger and stronger.

My Dad likes to tell me I've already discussed this stuff before ---- but the thing is, right since the beginning of the issues HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SUPPRESSING MY DISCUSSION AND THOUGHTS.

I have very big valid concerns about what was going on, but my Dad would NEVER just let me discuss the issue openly ---- it was constant suppression.

According to the psychology videos, you are supposed to let the discussion flow, and let the whole thing take it's course, and eventually it will resolve or go away or whatever --------

but my Dad has done me a huge disservice by constantly suppressing pretty much every issue right from the beginning, meaning it never resolves, runs its course, or goes away ------ constant suppression just makes it come back stronger and stronger.

I try to tell my Dad what  youtube said about how suppression is wrong, but my Dad basically doesn't trust anything that is said on youtube at all ----- even valid psychological teachings are dismissed as fake in his mind.

THE BIGGEST reason, at the time, for why Avril Lavigne as such a big thing in my life, was because she gave me verbal recognition of the fact that the BallerinaGirl was a liar when she claimed she never wanted anything to do with me.

The simple fact that Avril pointed this out in her song makes her a hero.  Why??? BECAUSE I WENT MONTHS TRYING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY PARENTS AND THEY NEVER LISTENED.  It was like they never understood or could reciprocate what I was telling them about the situation, they couldn't just look at the proof I was trying to show them ----- my own parents were essentially stonewalling me.

The fact that Avril said that one true thing in her song was monumental in my life because it was the very first recognition I had heard from anyone about this point in my life.

My parents just acted like they weren't paying attention or something, which is possible because my Dad has ADD.

My mom is a lot better about this stuff than my Dad.  I can talk to my Mom. I can tell her problems, and she's at least somewhat helpful, I can feel good after talking to my mom about issues (and yes, she is trained as a medical doctor, and a nurse).

My mom lets me say my piece, she might try to say something helpful in return, and it's positive and the discussion flows.  It's good, I find peace in my mind.

But my Dad just constantly suppresses and talks about how I'm not even allowed to talk to pretty much anyone about anything except for my psychiatrist.

According to my Dad::: the only person I can talk to about issues on my mind is the psychiatrist.  But realistically, that's just not going to work.

My Dad doesn't even let me talk to my Mom about it.  My mom is helpful, but my Dad doesn't want ANY discussion.

And I have been suppressed for years, so I'm a mental wreck, because my Dad is constantly blocking the way of this issues, and his suppression actually causes the brain problems to continue, at least the psychological videos say so at least.

The issues should have been settled and dealt with years ago.

But my Dad can never just let me talk about the issues openly, and is constantly shutting me down.  It has been this way right since the beginning.

I'll just say, that my Mom has been some help, though my Dad doesn't really want me talking to her, and also God, or an angel, or whoever is in my mind, I know has helped too ---- because I'll be thinking about a situation, and then I'll hear a thought, and the thought truthfully explains the situation, and then my mind is at peace, and there was an explanation or whatever. That actually happened today.

So yeah, I'm basically a psychological wreck because my Dad has never let the discussion flow. He's constantly suppressing, so I've had to deal with these issues for years, because my Dad just never let the discussion find an end --- it's just constantly pausing every step of the way.

Try watching a movie  and someone keeps pressing the PAUSE button every 10 seconds.  That's basically what my Dad does.

Loving the Church and the Problems it Has

When I was young --- I LOVED the LDS Mormon church. It was beautiful to me.  There was so much good about it.

I had a friend, who I shall call "Annie Liability". She was also a member of my church.  She and I were friends.

One day, our friendship just wasn't allowed anymore.  There were all kinds of mean and nasty rumours being spread about me, my family, and she herself couldn't tell me what her problem was.

After many years, she verified to me that she herself has no problem with me. She is essentially still my friend. She has no problem with me, and she had no idea about the nasty things that were said. She herself, got lied to, in fact.

So basically, she and I were friends. Our friendship was destroyed by a nasty rumour attack, but in the end she had no idea about any of that, and she and I are essentially still friends, even if separated by all these people telling us not to talk to each other.

I had another friend who came along ----- she was very nice to me.  But, again, a zillion bullshit remarks and comments are made, and that friendship was disallowed to, even if she herself of her own opinion was my friend, and I'm her friend.


So, basically, I had two friends.  My friends and I are on good terms with each other, we don't have problems with each other.

But someone out there just can't allow our friendships to continue.  Someone will always start controlling and starting nasty rumours, and I'm just not allowed to have friends basically.

So, though the church seemed so beautiful to me ---- there is something completely wrong in the organization that prevents me from befriending my friends --- they keep separating our relationships with a bunch of lies and bullshit comments.

So, who knows really.

The church seemed so good to me when I was young ---- but there's just something friggin' wrong going on.

And I'm writing this here because it was on my mind, and I don't want to write too much email, nor does my Dad like to hear me talking.

Psychological Evaluations

I just watched College Humor's "Retarded Test" this morning. It reminded me of my experiences with a certain church I was once a part of. (Like, being told I'll witness and perform miracles, and then being forced on drugs for believing in miracles).

Then a little while later, I started remembering that in psychological evaluations, they ALWAYS seem to ask these two questions:

"What does 'a rolling stone gathers no moss' mean?"


"What does 'don't throw rocks in glass houses' mean?"

I've never been able to answer these questions. My mind just couldn't figure out what the authors of these statements were trying to say.

So I just looked it up on Google right now.

I just have to say, that I feel victimized by having been raised as a Mormon. It wasn't my choice my parents joined the Mormon church, and I only joined the church for hopes my sister would learn to behave herself (which she did MANY YEARS LATER --- which means the church was basically useless).

'A rolling stone gathers no moss' means that if you don't stay in one spot, you won't accumulate wealth and status.

The Mormon church told me to be a travelling preacher to the nations, as the Lord's lifetime servant ---- and is always telling the young men to spend two years away from home on their own dime.

The psychiatrist just saved my life.

'Don't throw rocks in glass houses' means that you shouldn't condemn or criticize other people for doing something you do yourself --------

and yes, this was getting very screwy in my life regarding the Mormons as well.

A bishop could deny the holy ghost, and mormons would say you can't criticize it --- so obviously the non-critical mormons are guilty of the same act,

while we know everyone masturbates and looks at porn, but he church would constantly criticize and condemn this, regardless of the fact that we all know we're all doing it.


I was basically raised in a church being told believe and do all kinds of nonsense ----- and I was actually doing the right thing by rebelling against my father, just like Jesus said in ACTUAL Christianity.

I joined the church because I thought it would teach my sister better behaviour --- and I turned out to be wrong.  Just because they are named after Jesus Christ doesn't mean they actually teach or do Jesus Christ. They are false christs.

My insanity turned out to be a good thing for me. I was smart enough that I didn't have to serve a mission.

It has been said that "Genius Borders on Insanity" ----- very true. I believe it.

I was the guy who actually got out of the church early. I wasn't totally Genius because the church still held some sway in my life for a long time ------

But yes, there must be a very good reason why they are called "Mormons", or why the book of mormon is called the book of "mormon".

Psychological evaluation questions just go to show that the church doesn't actually have any wisdom.

They tell you to do all this travelling, but that will not help you.

They tell you not to criticize the leaders, and then they all criticize very small things that most people do. If the leader is doing something wrong, and you don't criticize it, then obviously you are guilty of the same thing yourself.  And you end up criticizing normal things that most or all people do anyway.

Yes, it is retarded,

and the Psychiatrist saved my life.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Lottery Weirdness

What the heck????

So I was riding home with my Dad from a little excursion today --- I quickly asked God if he could tell me tonight's winning Pick 3 numbers, because I have some experience (mentioned in The Book of Finch) asking God for lottery numbers, and they turn out to be correct.

Well, reality is weird.

I ended up getting two sets of numbers for Pick 3 tonight.

God told me "5 7 1", but I thought I might've misunderstood so I also made a mental note of "5 9 1"

But when I bought the ticket, I had made a mistake::: I got "5 7 1" and "6 9 1".

Anyway, when I got home I decided to check the lottery app on my phone to see what last night's winners were.

"1 7 2".

I realize that "1 7 2" is basically just "5 7 1" backwards with 2 replacing 5, so I then realized God might've tricked me, and I went to write this blog post ------

but after I turned on my computer, I went to wclc.com to have a second look at the past Winning Pick 3 number ----- but the number on the website wasn't last night's number.

Last night was the 25th of February.  The date on the website was for the 22nd.  And the winning number on the 22nd? "5 7 1" --- the exact same number I chose.

I looked at "past winning numbers" to see if I could get an updated list, but the list only went to the 23rd, didn't go all the way to the 25th ----

and the 23rd's winning number is "6 6 1" ---- "6 9 1" with 6 replacing the 9.

OK ---- So obviously something is really messed up somewhere.  Something strange is going on.

First off, WCLC should be showing last night's (Saturday's) Pick 3 number on their front page, not last Wednesday's.

Second off, how did I ask God, in my mind only, for winning numbers and he gave me the numbers on the front page of Wclc.com????

Something really strange going on here.

Is it the lottery technology, or is it really God and my mind? Just like - woah - something weird.

Anyway, Seeing as how God gave me a recent past winning number, I am not totally expecting to win tonight ----- so if you want to play with my numbers tonight, do so at your own risk.

Just friggin' weird. You know?

Friday, February 24, 2017

Psychological problems again

I don't want to send the same people too much email, so I'm writing on my blog.

I'm having a psychological problem.

About two weeks ago I had the same or similar psychological problem.

My parents suggested I talk to a psychologist about it. I'll have to wait to see my psychiatrist before I can get a referral (if that ever happens).

I'll just say a bit about my brain problems here:

My brain understands that what I went through in the church was BS - it was nonsense, I know that, I understand it, I'm able to classify it that way ----- but my brain likes to replay the memories, it's like I can even physically feel it in my head that my brain tries to analyze the experience, but the experience is such nonsense that my brain can't make heads or tails of it. And it just replays again and again.

The problem?

One major problem I had with the church was their version of the whole doctrine of FORGIVENESS.


So I go through my life, being hurt and damaged in this way and that, and the church holds it over my head that I am required to forgive these people, all of them, because if I don't, then I'm AUTOMATICALLY WORSE THAN THEY ARE --- regardless of what I actually did in my life.

But here's the the thing:::: I was having to go through life facing all this abuse and torment, not being allowed to lift a finger against it ------ but there was a problem with the church's way of teaching me -----

When I was playing video games on Sunday ----- did my Mom forgive me? If you call screaming like a demon-bitch threatening to pull the plug from the wall if I don't turn it off forgiveness. I mean, she was really pissed --- just because I was enjoying my day off with some gaming.

When I confessed to the bishop that I masturbate, did he forgive me?  Well, he penalized me, he wouldn't allow me to become an elder, and I believe he went behind my back to tell my Mom to turn off the internet connection. he accused me of more than I was aware I was guilty.

I mean, it's not even illegal to play video games or to masturbate ---- but the church treated me like they had a very serious problem with these issues.

I could go on ------- whenever someone wronged me, I was required to forgive it, but whenever I did the slightest thing that the church might've perceived as wrong, I was penalized and punished or mistreated over it.

Joseph Smith DID say in D&C 64, the scripture Mormons like to quote about forgiveness, that after you forgive someone you should take them to law over what they did ------

And though that teaching itself doesn't make any sense and is basically the opposite of what the rest of the world defines as forgiveness -----

The thing is, many things I did weren't illegal anyway, so they couldn't have called the police on me.  They "forgave" me by mistreating me in one way or another, basically, even if it wasn't illegal.

The Mormons like to teach "By the wicked the wicked shall be punished".  That comes from The Book of Mormon.

They basically like to say that if you are a good righteous person, you would never punish anybody, you would always forgive everybody.

First off::: it directly contradicts the bible.  Second off::: it also contradicts D&C 64.

The Mormons should be asked:::: you say it is by the wicked that the wicked are punished ---- but is it at all in any way possible that a righteous person could punish the wicked?

Just something to think about, because Jesus said "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone", and though the Mormons taught this, they contradicted it with the book of Mormon and D&C 64 as well.

According to Mormonism, you will only receive your blessings, such as your patriarchal blessing ONLY IF YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

So if you masturbate, that means your ability to work miracles will disappear, or if you fornicate then you can't have your wife.

But by the same logic, that also means that if you drink coffee, then you can't have a job.

It basically doesn't make sense.  The church makes masturbation and coffee banned, yet both practises are harmless, are even beneficial, yet they like to mistreat people about doing them.

So yeah, there are just these things that I learned in Mormonism that blow my mind, that I know are nonsense and are useless informations they taught me, that it was all BS ------ but my brain just replays it from time to time.

Taxes and Friends

I write so much, and the only two people I can write to consistently are my grandparents and an old psychiatric nurse ---- but I have so much to say and so few people to say it to. thank God for the blog.

Since posting about my $1500 website value, with how I haven't even made that much from sales, my value dropped ~1/3rd.

But if Bungie made 500 million on Destiny Day One, and Avril Lavigne's site is worth 1/10th the price of Bungie's, then Avril made about 45-50 million from Album sales? Not unlikely.

But If I'm 1/10th the value of Avril ---- then I must've been making about 5 million.

So, according to revenue of the business versus website value, that 2.6 million price tag on my book over Christmas wasn't so far off maybe.

Who knows ---- I might be paying 50% in taxes and the rest might go into an unknown RDSP or paying back my benefits for life. Who knows.

I don't know any of this for certain - I can just suspect it with the data I've seen.

I just suspect that information is being hidden from me, but there are small leaks like nurses saying "You should get an RDSP" which doesn't make much sense with my income.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

This would be weird, strange, or rude or something

On a side note, I'll just mention that I looked up Avrillavigne.com on the same analysis service I saw my website on last night, and her website is worth only about 10x more than my site.

Considering she's a multimillionaire ----- if my website is only 1/10th the value of her site, you'd think I'd have made considerably more money.

Which brings me to this point:

Last Christmas I went to amazon.ca and noticed a used copy of The Eagle's Sore priced at 2.6 million Canadian Dollars.

Let's just assume this was a secret message to me telling me how much I actually made, but let's also assume the government took that money to recuperate the costs of the benefits they give me.

I calculated with medication and cost of benefit included ---- 2.6 million I made on my work or book basically PAYS for ALL my medication and benefits from the government FOR LIFE --- in fact, the amount of money from the "book sales" would be enough to pay for both my brother AND I, it would pay, for life, completely, all our benefits and medications, for the rest of our lives, at current rates.

So, if I sold a book or had sales worth 2.6 million, and these sales covered the price of our disability benefits, for both my brother and I ----

It would be real strange if the government continued to enforce non-exemptions on his and my incomes and assets.

Basically, in this benefit program, you are allowed to earn a certain amount of money each month or year, and after you've made that, anything more gets clawed back from your benefit.

I'm just saying that if my sales, as secret-messaged from amazon.ca, paid for our benefits, that it would be immoral and strange if the government enforced these non-exemptions on him and I.

If we already paid ~100% for our own benefits already, then morally you'd think the government wouldn't claw back on over-earnings anymore.

Every year, about this time of year, the government asks us to report las year's income, and not just in taxes.

If they ask again this year, then I'm not sure I can be too certain the government is making me repay my benefits --- unless the government is going to be immoral.

If I paid for my own lifetime of benefits, then what right do they have to keep me in poverty, not able to earn beyond the exemptions?

Another part of this is that nurses at the hospital were saying I should get an RSP and an RDSP ---- an RSP would be useless without taxable income, and I have nothing to put into an RDSP except my benefit, so that would be pointless ------

So I really do have to wonder what's going on here.

If Avril Lavigne made 20million, and her website is worth only 10x more than mine, then maybe I made 2million.

I don't see much income besides my benefit.

If I paid the sum total of my whole benefit for life from sales ---- then it would be immoral for the government to claw back on further employment and investment earnings.

Unless, of course I make 10 million dollars ----- would the government at that point then expect me to help pay the costs of other people's benefits? I don't know.

And this is only assuming that I actually sold 2.6million worth of entertainment, and only assuming the government is taking the money.

If the government still wants to claw back on my exemptions, then either the government is immoral, or the money I earned ISN'T going to the government.

I don't know

And why would nurses recommend RSPs and RDSPs when such are basically useless on my 99% benefit-only income?

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Is this website actually worth something???

I googled myself. I googled "Kris Attfield".

Eventually, I found "webstatsdomain.org"'s blurb about my site health and status things.

Somehow, they estimated that my site is worth $1498

I am surprised.

In all my time selling books and video games, all these years, I haven't even made that much in revenue.

I wonder how they made that estimation.

It's nice to see that estimation, but with an estimation like that, you'd think I'd be making more money.

My site is worth something, more than my work has ever earned from sales. Wow.

I can think of a zillion different possible reasons why I'm not making money, ranging from Catholics think it's wrong to meet Jesus and then try to become rich to the government is making me repay benefits to people just don't buy things,

but who knows what's really going on.

There has been some pressure for me to move out of my parents' home, but on the benefit I receive from the government it isn't happening so easily, one person noted you can't live on this benefit --- so either the government has to increase my benefit, or someone's going to have to pay me honestly for once (or forever).

Anyway, just interesting. I'm worth something. Yay.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Strange Photo found in my iPhoto library

This morning I woke up, turned on my Forge TV, and saw some interesting banana-related content in the video feed, so I decided to take some screen shots with my iphone.

i was just looking at my iPhone's photo library (which I have sync'd with icloud) ---- just moments after taking these photos of my Forge TV, and supposedly at the same location where I took the original photos, there was another picture that appeared in my library.

I have no idea what it is.  It looks like it could be some kind of piece of unfinished art, with very dark black areas and grey areas.

Here's the thing:: every time I take a photo with my phone, the photo is a little video of sound and motion that plays when I use 3D touch on my iPhone.

The photos I had taken were live Photos.  This photo was NOT a live photo - it is static.

It looks pretty - painting-ish to me. Just very dark and greyish light colours.

the shape?

TWO things it might resemble in my mind, although I could easily be wrong:

1) It looks kind of like a map of Israel/Palestine, but not quite.
2) It also looks like it could be a painting of the torso of a person (or angel?) in a robe.

But that's only my opinion of what it looks like.

I really have no idea.

How'd the photo get there? What is it?

Very strange.


So just moments ago I was laying on my bed, in my darkened bedroom, looking at this strange unknown mystery image on my iPad.

I'm doubtful that this is a map of Israel/Palestine, but in the visual comparisons I could make with the map of that region I noticed that the "west bank" looks a lot like one of those "alien faces" you often hear about in those UFO shows, or whatever kind of show talks about aliens.

You know the look, gray skin, big black eyes ---- yes, the "west bank" of this map looks kind of like one of those alien faces.

And as I realized this, I noticed a white light in my bedroom with my peripheral vision, which quickly disappeared. There is little to no reason I should have seen a light like that.

What the heck???

So, I'm still not really sure what the picture is, or where it comes from, but it looks like it's got one of those alien faces on it.  The alien's face is either protruding from the angel's chest, or the blackness might signify a door or something maybe? I don't know.

So, it kind of looks like an alien coming out of someone's chest, except I can't be certain it's a person around the alien face, it might be a doorway or something. No idea.

Just a really weird picture that shouldn't be there. I definitely didn't snap that, definitely not at that moment ---- yet it says I took the picture.

I didn't take that picture, but that's an image immediately following pictures I did take on my camera roll.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Finally Killed the ICBM Zombie Process Bug

Pretty much ever since Forge Cortex has been available my game, The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness, or ICBM for short, had a problem where it would restart itself on the Forge without being asked to be started.

The game was a zombie --- you'd kill it, but it'd keep coming back, restarting when you don't want it to restart.

YAY! I FINALLY fixed the bug. The zombie is dead. For good. I'm pretty sure. I've done all these tests --- the game stays closed now, won't restart when it shouldn't.

So, hopefully my submission of version 1.5.5 will be approved and released sometime this week.

To anyone who wants to know what I did to fix the game:::::

Most basically put, I updated the SDK the game uses (in the manifest) to Android 6.0.1 (23) and then removed System.Exit(0) from the shutdown sequence.

Previously, the game had SDK compatibility with the old OUYA ---- but now it's updated to Android TV.

And I found some info using google that said System.Exit() should not be used with this version of Android TV, so I tried that, and it worked. Yay.

Sorry for taking so long to figure that one out and fix it.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

So much going on - and why was I "the bad guy"?

There is so much going on in the world, more than I can deal with - especially when I don't know how to drive and my transportation always has to follow someone else's schedule. There's so much going on ---- I don't know how to be a fully active member of this world, but then again, who would want me to be a fully active member of this world when I appear to be "the bad guy" in so many ways in my life's story (the book of finch).

OK ---- I am a good person. I try to do the right thing.

I learned from Youtube Psychology videos that a sociopath is someone who took so much abuse when they were young that they turned out to be anti-social getting older and growing up.

Personally, I, at most, became asocial and my psychiatric doctor does not view me as a sociopath ----

but I can identify with the element of sociopathy where if you take so much abuse when you are young, there's a point where you go "no more mr nice guy".

I took a lot of crap when I was a kid, so as I got older I became more and more "malevolent and misbehaved".

I'm good now, I'm recovering now, but I think it's too bad that in so many ways I became "The bad guy" in my life's story.

I guess I took enough abuse when I was young to turn out asocial when I got older. Not anti-social, but it's lesser cousin "asocial".

I turned out so wrong in so many ways when I got older.  But, I can only think that all the abuse and torment I took as a kid helped turn me into that person.

So, We can just be very happy now that I'm recovering, and I'm a nice good guy again. And I'm medicated, that might be something that helps me.

There's so much going on in the world, and it's hard to be a respected member of society, maybe, when seen as "the bad guy". I could, maybe, be viewed as "The bad guy", but I'm just going to say my asocial behaviour likely stemmed from all kinds of abuse and torment I took as a kid.

And I'm not going into detail. It's enough to say that when I think of my childhood, I easily end up feeling suicidal.

Friday, February 17, 2017

It's not so hard to pay - so why's it so hard?

Today I borrowed $40 from my Mom to order pizza.

I asked my brother for some of his Jelly Beans, but he declined to let me have any.

So, when the pizzas arrived, my brother was in a moral position where he pretty much had to pay me for pizza if he wanted some.

I got a pretty good deal on the pizzas, so I set the price to $1 per slice.

And he easily just pulled out $3 and paid me.

Compared to the book and video game business, my brother's payment was quick and easy, while my digital distribution seems to have serious difficulty in getting people to pay me honestly.

My brother and I both make about the same amount of income.

We both pay our parents monthly to live at home.

By ourselves, our incomes aren't very good, but maybe we just have some kind of advantage to live with our parents, because it's so easy for us to pay $3-$10 for some food, while all these people on the internet just won't pay a thing for anything I do, and I don't ask much.

Yeah, I'm basically just complaining again.  It's easy for my very ill brother to pay me for pizza --- so why is it so hard for most people to pay a small price for a book or video game?

It's frustrating for me.

The one good thing that comes out of not being paid, is that when I am very forgiving, I expect God to be very forgiving to me.

And that point goes back to the Mormon church again, because the Mormon church told me to forgive everything, and though I forgave so much in my life up to that point --- the bishop just WOULD NOT forgive me for masturbating, a victimless sin that actually helps me avoid commit sexual assault. So, again, the church seems pretty dumb, when they punish me for doing something that is actually beneficial, when they are always saying "forgive everything".

Anyway. yeah.

Life's just kind of frustrating I guess.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

You have to be careful with religion

So, I turned on my Forge TV and saw a news story about the Liberal party wanting to protect religions (particularly islam).

They extended this idea to all religions, but Islam in particular because of how they recently got targeted.

From my perspective as having grown up as an LDS Mormon::: I have this much to say:::

You really have to be careful about the whole religion shebang.

Mormonism is institutionally narcissistic. That's not a good thing.

In Mormonism you learn that if moved upon by "the spirit", you could behead/murder someone and be justified in the Mormon religion (referencing the story of Nephi beheading Laban in 1st Nephi).

And read my open letter to Radio Clash ------ Mormonism gets VERY CONFUSING about where they stand on certain issues.

In the end, to me, Mormonism seems very mentally ill. In fact, it has been understood by a US Government Agency that Utah is THE MOST mentally ill state in the USA.  And with all the Mormons, I do not wonder why.

Yes, the Mormons try to be good and well meaning, but someone who fully understands the religion could end up becoming a super-nazi and then getting confused by all the mental illness.

I'm serious.

The LDS church eventually pulled the talks by Ezra Taft Benson from their website, but for a while they had talks published on their website where Benson talks about how the Holocaust was God's will, according to his own teaching and in accordance with 2nd Nephi 25:16 in the Book of Mormon.

I just get really confused.

So, if the Liberals want to protect religion - that's their choice ---- but from my Mormon perspective, it's not making a lot of sense.

I will also just mention that Mormonism believes EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE MORMON in order to be saved, but MOST PEOPLE do NOT believe in Mormonsim, and even MOST MORMONS EVENTUALLY REJECT THEIR OWN FAITH BECAUSE THEY REALIZE HOW DUMB IT IS.

So, Back however many years ago, it was said 2/3rds of Mormons quit the church, and I can only suspect the number of quitters has gotten bigger. There are big reasons for that.

So, from my Mormon perspective, be very careful about trying to protect religions.

Mormonism does teach so good or sort of good things, but there's also a whole bunch of nonsense that comes out of the church.

Life is like a dream

I've been reviewing all kinds of memories in my head, many of these memories I know I've written about ---- and it's strange just how much reality seems kind of fake, or dreamy, or not real.

OK ----- When I was young, reality seemed much more real --- and much more painful.

There used to be a lot of pain in my life.  And for a long time I've wondered if I died and actually went to some kind of heaven that was like my normal life, except less painful and even more enjoyable.

But all I can say is reality is, where I am, what it appears to be to me. I may be alive, but life seems like a dream.

I have had many "psychic" or "psychic-ish" experiences in my life. It is testable and repeatable. Scientifically verifiable.

Reality just doesn't seem so real. It's like I'm living in a fantasy world where I'm like some kind of Jedi or Wizard, even if not the most powerful.

On Netflix I watched the first episode of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, based on the books by Douglas Adams I think it was. One of the starring roles is Elijah Wood.

Anyway, the first episode seemed so ridiculous, yet somehow relateable to real life.  I'm not saying real life is necessarily the way that show was ---- but it kind of spoke to me, the show, about how reality is.

The line of singing right as the credits started said "You will never get want you want. You will get what you deserve" ------ and this seemed like a good thing for this show to point out, because religion generally tries to teach people to do good things, to be good people, and there will be blessings if  you are good.

Like Karma.  What a wonderful concept, and I think I believe in it.  For some, "Karma is a bitch" as they have said, but when you spend your life trying to be a good boy from start to finish, great things happen, Karma looks well upon the good soul.

And I have experienced it in my own life too, the concept that we create our own realities.

According to Joseph Smith the Mormon Prophet, if you are purified and cleansed from all sin, God will always do as you ask.

Joseph Smith combined Karma with The Secret.

And it rings pretty much true to me. I don't control people, but I do control myself, and I have tried to be a good boy, and life has been good to me. Not perfectly wonderful, but good enough to know that it could have been worse.

Anyway, I guess now I'm just rambling.

I have so many memories, and life seems so strange, like a dream.

Another thing I thought about this evening was the LDS/Mormon church, again.   It seems like it tries to do good, they might mean well.  But from another perspective it seems awful.  So, there's good and bad in the organization, and I have to figure out how to properly love them while keeping my distance.  Very confusing.

Monday, February 13, 2017


I took this screenshot just a moment ago.

With how finicky and emotional I get about my games --- yes, in my mind I'm going "yahoo!" ----

But I do watch rankings of my own games and games I buy and play ---- and at a ranking like this I would have thought I sold a copy of Blaine Bananatree.

Blaine Bananatree lasts only 5 minutes, and without excessive downloads going around, the only real explanation for how my rank got this high is that I sold a copy.

But no sales report. Maybe one will come, but I don't know.

Actually, it's possible that a copy I already sold is being replayed over and over again, I guess.  Or maybe someone just really likes this game, as could be expected if you have a sense of humor.

So, I'm happy my rank is so high ----- but I don't totally understand it unless I sold a copy, which no sale as of yet is reported.

Is money everything? No ---- being a video game developer is fun all by itself. My life is happy and comfortable the way it is.

I try to earn money so maybe I can learn to drive, own a vehicle, own my own house. At this rate, those goals are way off.

At least I can live with my parents.

but, believe it or not, I understand if my earnings are needed to keep the Cortex business running or if the government is making me repay my benefits.

It's possible that because the government gives me benefits that they might end up putting their hands into my Cortex pockets to pay for my benefits. Possible. And I understand that.

But I do wish I could make a bunch of money so I can afford to live without my parents.

But, in the end, that's not totally necessary at this point, because I can just live with my mom and dad.

So, I'm comfortable, I pretty much have everything I need, so that's good, but I often wonder about moving out on my own. I like living at home, but having the option to buy my own place would have been nice too. :)

But yeah ----- the government gives me a disability benefit, so it only seems possible that they pay for my benefit from my sales. But who knows really eh?

The last time a sale was reported to me, the game in question was ranked better than 100 on the O-Rank.

But the last several times I BOUGHT games, those games only went to about 400 or better on the O-Rank.

So whatever.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Finicky and Emotional

I might be schizoaffective.

I've had my share of hallucinations, but I also get emotional highs and lows.

It is actually too bad that I'm so finicky and emotional, but my life has been screwed up in enough ways that sometimes I do wonder if people, or the world, just don't like me or hate me.

When I was in my early childhood, I had to put up with antagonism right from the beginning from my own siblings.

Then, by grade 8 and 9, all this antagonism at school as well.

I survived, but by grade 12 I was a psychological wreck ---- and even after seeing the psychiatrist there were still problems going on.

Basically::: I just wish the world would accept and love me --- I know this isn't going to totally happen 100%, but it's a problem when 100% of people prefer to turn their backs on me.

Maybe 100% of people wouldn't turn their backs on me, but when things turn south, I really do wonder if people really do dislike or hate me at a personal level.

People have antagonized me since I was very young remember ---- antagonism just makes me feel so bad.

So, maybe, with the above written, it should come as no surprise that with OUYA/Cortex's ranking systems that my mood is affected by the ranks my games hold.

Early this morning three of my games were the last ranked games in their genres, and this was a disaster to me, in my mind, wondering if people just hate me.

But later in the morning my ranks improved substantially, and I was able to feel a whole lot better about myself.

Yes, I realize it's probably not good that my emotions are tied to how many people play my games, but if all my games are the lowest ranked games, it seems like everyone has turned their back on me, and it feels like all my life I've been hated, since I was very young.

I feel lifted up when I see a sales report.

I know ---- my work isn't really worth a whole lot, it's not very important work, and there are a zillion ways that money could be spent in better more important ways than me and my little project ---- but I feel good to get some payment from time to time.

It would be no surprise to me if there were a 101 or 1001 ways my money could be diverted to be spent on more important things, but I charge money for my projects because I'm trying to live my life in a world where money is important.

I grew up very poor. I didn't have a game console in the house in my childhood --- my parents apparently couldn't afford one.

In fact, my life has been such a poor mess of antagonism, mental illness and poverty that I'm 32 years old, I live in my parents basement still, and I've NEVER learned to drive a car much less own a car or truck to drive.

So, I do have a drive to earn money, so that someday I might experience something more --- like maybe learning to drive or having my own place to live.

I understand if my projects aren't important enough to be paid, and I understand that there are 101 ways my earnings could be spent on something more important --- but I try to earn money so I can reduce the poverty that started early for me in life.


Why would I be growing up so poor and in poverty anyway ---- my Dad used to have great jobs that paid him lots, so what went wrong?

Two words, in my opinion::::: My sister.

Basically, In church, and my church isn't the only one with teachings like this, the teaching is that if you do what you are supposed to things will go well for you, that you will prosper.

My sister just had some issues.  When I end up going to hospital with a stab wound --- yeah, there are issues.

So my Dad lost his job and things didn't work out for us and we did not prosper.  My family has serious mental problems.


I try to be a good person though. For a while I snapped and became almost-sociopathic I think, but I've recovered from that now.  I've always just been trying to be a good person --- I just had a rough period where I snapped for a bit.


And today I installed Budgie Remix to replace Edubuntu on an old PC I have sitting on my bedroom desk. I like it.  Not sure what quite to say more ---- I wrote a bird-computer book, and now I've installed a bird-named-computer-os on my computer. Cool.  And it's a pretty nice system as well, a decent user interface. Yeah. Neato.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

More on the Mail

My Dad phoned up Canada Post today to ask them about what's going on with the mail.

The basic idea that my dad got from the conversation is that there's someone who is holding up the mail, as in keeping it back, or there's a backlog or something.

This doesn't completely surprise me, considering for a long time, in order for my Dad to satiate his appetite for his hobby, he would constantly be ordering things online, and we'd be getting a new package of something in the mail EVERY DAY pretty much.

With how my Dad would get new packages like every day, I can't help but think it would be normal to have a backlog, with the number of things he gets shipped.

Anyway, another part of the story is that Canada Post doesn't track mail anymore, or doesn't track registered mail, or something.

There was a package that my dad ordered three months ago he had on his mind today --- we received a package in the mail today for my Dad, but it wasn't the one from three months ago ---- it was ordered BEFORE the one from three months ago.

As for myself, I only have two packages that haven't arrived. One from early to mid last year and one later last year.

I remember being so annoyed, waiting for my mail, getting daily packages for my Dad and nothing for me. And it never came.

For the first package, I told ebay the product never arrived after a long time waiting and I got a refund.

After the second order didn't arrive, I knew something was wrong, so I didn't challenge the seller.

If I do get my packages, then I'll likely end up paying the guy I got the refund from again.

But yeah ---- there's  a backlog or someone is holding up the mail, and with how my Dad was pretty much receiving packages daily for a long time, it shouldn't be surprising.

And my stuff just disappears - I don't get my mail, likely because my Dad can't restrain himself from buying his crap off ebay.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Mail not arriving

I first noticed this partway through last year, and again later in the year.

My Dad has started noticing this too.

We've both ordered products, typically off of ebay ---- and somehow they never arrive.

If packages are sent by courier ---- my dad observes they come properly.

If they are supposed to come by mail, such as Canada Post (so for an american this would be USPS giving it to Canada post), somehow some packages just have a way of never arriving.

So: what are we supposed to do? Who do we call?

As you might imagine, it's pretty annoying to order products from Ebay and find that they never come.

So yeah, anyway, I'm writing this post because this has happened to both my father and myself, and my Dad was talking about it with me today.

we order on ebay, it's sent by mail, and somehow it just never shows up to be delivered.

Multiple products gone missing this way.