Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Horrible, but not my fault I think?

Youtube has shown me videos recently about scientific evidence for telepathy by other researchers. That combined with another video Youtube showed me about a type of psychological abuse, I reflect on my life, and I am saddened.

FIrst off:

I won't go into detail here, but Psychologists have named a certain kind of abuse that can take place in romantic or professional relationships "Gaslighting". "Gaslighting" is summarized as an abuser trying to get a victim to question their own sanity, to believe they are crazy.

The video went through 10 points about what Gaslighting is when it happens, and I was able to quickly identify the LDS church doing 4 of those points in my own life, and upon further reflection they may have been doing a 5th as well.

Anyway ----- My life has been horrible in so many ways. Just terrible things happening in my life. Most of that is now historical --- and I am so glad that things are mostly better now,

But my life has had huge problems surrounding it which are very regrettable.

And I look at my life, and I think, how much of this was my own fault?

I think I was given some very poor circumstances in my life, and though the world surrounding me has been horrible, I am mostly confident that I have done my best to be a good person. I'm not perfect, but I tried to be good.

When I was doing my psychology study at the University recently, the researcher asked me if there was anything I felt really guilty about in my life.

There are SOOO MANY things that have happened in my life that are just so wrong,

But the biggest thing I have ever felt guilty about was masturbation.

My psychiatrist, and this psychological researcher, both agree and make it clear that masturbation is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and it is in fact normal, healthy and a good way to avoid sexually assaulting anyone,

but I grew up in a church that would do it's best to try to shame and guilt trip young men about just about anything, especially masturbation.

A reasonable mind would just understand and know that masturbation is a necessity of life for so many people ----- but here's the church that raised me trying to shame the young men about, trying to make the young men lie about the practise.

My life has had all kinds of horrible things happen, and it's really too bad that the biggest guilt trip I was sent on in my life was over something that wasn't even actually wrong.

Just goes to show how screwed up my circumstances were in life.

So, in all seriousness, I absolutely regret so many things that have happened in my life, but I don't feel I can personally be blamed.

And my lack of personal blame for these things can be illustrated for how the church I was raised in would shame and guilt trip the young people about things that aren't wrong, and are even good things to do.

Something was just so wrong about the life I lived growing up.  It was so screwy what I had to live with.

I am recovering, I am happier, life is much better now.  But it is a very sad place where I originated.

Probably the biggest problem facing me in life today is my brother's severe mental illness, which he is being treated for and has made some level of recovery in. But he's still got some problems.

Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving and peaceful --- things I hope for everyone.

My life has been horrible. I tried to do my best, I'm not sure I can be blamed for the garbage. It's no my fault the church made that rule, or people around me behaved in that way. You know?

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