Earlier today I posted about how Youtube is warning me against spending money and materialism and is showing me videos about being happy with little to just what you have.
Then, this evening, I turned on my ipad and received a notification that another Youtuber who I am subscribed to released a video about the deadliest mistake an entrepreneur can make.
It almost seemed like he made his video in direct response to what I said on my blog --- or at least in direct response to what youtube was showing me earlier about anti-materialism ----
basically, it's the concept of making millions and then getting a revelation that money doesn't matter anymore.
I know I'm in danger of just ripping off another guy's words and video by putting that here, but I'm mentioning it in commentary format because it's relevant to the discussion I was posting earlier this morning about, and his video coming out in the evening.
Like one of the sheep from the book "Animal Farm" by George Orwell, I'm a little stupid in that I have a tendency to agree with the person who is speaking at the time, even if the different speakers disagree with each other.
I could see a bunch of videos about how to become rich and tips on how to be wealthy, and I'll soak it up and agree ----
and then when I see a bunch of videos about how bad materialism is for poor people and the environment and how happy you can be with what you have ----- I had some idea I could agree with that too.
Of course, the two viewpoints seem very conflicting and contradictory. Or they ARE contradictory.
So, I suppose, in some way, I'm like one of the stupid sheep in George Orwell's book.
Know how else I'm stupid?
I had to look up Animal Farm's author on google to make sure I spelt his name correctly.
The actual name: George Orwell
The name I had written down: Orson Wells
Yeah, I guess I'm a bit stupid like that --- can't even spell, just like the animals in the book.
BUT ---- In all seriousness, If I could be wealthy, I would. But I also believe in sharing with others, so that would affect my wealth. which means, I can be happy with wealth, and I can be happy giving to others, lowering my own wealth but still being happy.
I told my psychiatrist today about the 2.6 million dollar price tag on my book on Amazon.ca during Christmas. I told her I fear the world hates me if they repeatedly don't pay me.
I'm bouncing between the euphoria of potentially being worth a lot, and the sadness of being unappreciated.
But, if I did make 2.6 million dollars or somesuch sum on my work, I thought about how guilty I feel that I would essentially be ditching my very mentally ill brother while I have all the reward.
Though it is true in the past year that I really do understand that I can't really fully live with my brother while he's having problems,
I also feel guilty about the concept of me having all kinds of wealth and income and success while I ditch him and leave him behind to be as mentally screwed up as he is. If I did that, I would feel bad.
Basically, I feel very sorry for my brother ---- being as poor as I am, I am not able to deal with his illness by myself.
But if I became wealthy, I would feel bad about ditching him, and actually, being wealthy I would be able to do something about his problems if it ever became a problem.
While I'm poor, I can't handle or deal with my brother's issues, and I have to get out.
It would be nice to have money to buy a place to live when I get out.
If I had a tonne of money and could buy myself a place, then I am far more likely to be able to deal with my brother's problems and therefore would not need to ditch him as such --- he and I could still live together essentially.
Basically, being poor is tearing us apart, because I can't deal with his problems. And if he's alone and he has problems --- then he's screwed, up shit creek without a paddle for him at that point.
But if I had money, and I could buy my own place to live, I could also learn to drive a car, and then if me and my brother were together, and he was having problems, I would be far more capable of helping him through it.
So yeah, I need money to have a place to live, I need money to help my severely ill brother at any point down the road ------
and if I don't have money for myself and my family, then I'm essentially forced to ditch the problems, and if he ever has problems again, he would be shit out of luck --- cuz being poor, I can't deal with it.
If I were rich, I could deal with it better.
So yeah, I do wish I could make money, it would make me happier I think.
And it brings me down psychologically and emotionally to see thousands of freebies and rip-offs, and nearly no one can be bothered to spend $1-$3 on me. So, yeah, that gets depressing.
But I know when I'm deluded that I have been successful, I feel great euphoria and I feel wonderful I made it, when my mind is deluded that I had my success.
So::: it's up to you world, do you want to show me you care, or do you want me to feel bad? I only asked for a little bit of money.