Wednesday, January 25, 2017

3 turns to 4

I just had a look at my appointment card for my next psychiatric appointment:

They've done this before.

My appointments were supposed to be every 3 weeks.

My next two appointments are now every 4 weeks --- for two appointments.

Just an appointment or two ago they tried this then too, to move me from 3 weeks to 4 weeks.

What this means is, apparently, they are basically reducing my dosage now.

I can totally think that this is OK and normal for them to do::::: they've been hinting at it for long enough that it might make sense to do this,

but my Dad might have a problem accepting that my dosage would be lowered.

Probably one of the biggest reasons I've ever been involved with psychiatry is because my Dad is always expecting mental illness every where he goes from everyone, and since the beginning my Dad was a very powerful and forceful force in getting me onto drugs.

If he figures out that I'm now every 4 weeks, I mean, I can imagine that he'll freak out about it.

My Dad does not understand mental robustness.   To my Dad, the whole world, and everyone in it, has mental illness.

My Dad does not understand that any person could possibly be sane.

Maybe that's what part of the problem with our family has been all along. Just a belief in automatic diagnosis regardless of the full facts.

Sad thing is, my Dad doesn't realize how messed up that is.

Just because HE has problems, doesn't mean everyone else has to have his problems.

If I'm raised to believe in a bunch of bullshit, then what do you expect me to believe in? It's not my fault that was in my mind, that's how I was raised, not my own brain.

Maybe the whole problem was that my Dad just doesn't understand reality or mental reality properly.

Becase my Dad has said it many times before::: HE believes everyone has mental problems.

But ---- My mental problems just got vindicated.  Which says what about my Dad?

yeah ---- I can understand why I'm getting my dosage lowered now, but I know my Dad will have problems accepting that. (he's not home right now).

Basically, because my Dad has mental problems, he expects everyone has mental problems.  In the beginning, one of my biggest mental problems was just trying to discuss and have an intelligent discussion with my father ---- his mental problem was so frustrating to me that things just deteriorated ----- it was his mental problem, and my frustration, which he interpreted as my mental problem.

That's what happens when 1/3rd of your family is ADD. Huh.


Basically, what I have understood is the whole reason I'm on drugs is because half my family is mentally impaired, and I get so frustrated that I get put on drugs just to mellow me out.

That's really all it was:::: In the beginning, I tried discussing problems with my Dad, but lo and behold, my Dad had ADD, and he couldn't reasonably or intelligently discuss anything with me, insomuch that even though I had irrefutable proof for my own position, my Dad would never accept it because he himself has mental problems, and I found this frustrating, so I got put on medication too.


Oh --- and when I took the bus to the clinic today ------ Someone got on the bus and sat directly behind me, she looked kind of like Avril Lavigne, she was the right height, smelled like coconuts, and got off at the same stop as me (the clinic).  Just reminded me so much of the singer. Very weird.

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