Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Confused by Amazon Reviews for Forge TV

When I look at the bad press Forge TV has received on Amazon, like all the one star reviews ----

The reviews basically just say things like it was an unfinished product when initially released, that it doesn't have netflix and it doesn't have promised game streaming.


I know it wasn't totally complete at first --- but they've fixed that.


Netflix can be side-loaded. There are a zillion other video options including Kodi also available.


And I was just looking at Cortex ---- MOONLIGHT GAME STREAMING app is RIGHT THERE ranked in the TOP 4 on Cortex Trending Now.


I just kind of wonder if people are being unnecessarily vicious and unkind towards the forge tv.


People blasted it with 1 star reviews, but the game system is just fine as far as I'm concerned --- and it does have game streaming and netflix can apparently be sideloaded.


So what's the big problem then?


Nvidia's Shield has all kinds of wonderful good ratings, yet a review I read said the Shield lacked content.


While Forge TV is brimming with content, and the complaints about lack of game streaming were actually unfounded.


Know what's weird? I am just me, I am just one player on the Forge TV.


My favourite game on the Forge TV is Pfhonge. I usually have nobody to play with, so I will play Pfhonge by myself most commonly.


And yet Pfhonge is very low-ranked on Forge TV, generally.


The games that I don't even play rank higher.  There are lots of much higher ranked games, while the game I play is ranked very lowly.


According to the ranking system::: FORGE TV WAS ACTUALLY A HUGE SUCCESS.


I have no clue why so many 1 star reviews on Amazon.

As near as I can tell:::: The Forge TV is actually a HUGE success according to the rankings. I play what I play, and the rankings just tell me Forge is doing VERY WELL.

Yet so many 1 star reviews, and apparently they stopped building the 2016 edition.

Who knows.




Also:::: Though the Forge is doing so well, I also wonder about why I see such a lack of sales report, yet again.


My biggest suspicion is that my local government taxes me heavily, to pay back benefit money I've received. That's my biggest suspicion.


But, as is cliehe and can be expected, you can bet I would have liked to become rich from making games.


I'm not totally 100% sure what Cortex means to say by a lot of the rankings they show ------ I just know that with the actions I perform myself on the system, and then seeing the rankings, I know the system is actually QUITE SUCCESSFUL. Apparently.


So what's with all the 1 star reviews on amazon?

yeah confusing.


Why'd they stop making it if it's doing so well?  Why is it so hard for me to get paid?  Really have to wonder.



But yeah::: the complaints of many 1 star reviewers I believe were unfounded.


They complained about a lack of pc-to-forge game streaming, yet there's "moonlight game streaming" right there ranked in the top 4 on Cortex, so I'm not sure why the 1 star reviews.


Messed up.

But anyway.

Eat Carrots 1.1.0 Released.

Last night I managed to completely update "The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots", so I submitted the update for review, and just moments ago the update was approved, and now I've published it.

In this update:

1) Fixed a bug.
2) New "first past the post" game mode, where the first player to reach a target score wins. No timer in this mode.
3) The Time Left (or score in FPTP mode) changes to yellow when a banana has been grown, and then changes back to purple when the banana is gone.

I also updated the copyright date, as well as removed "ONLY ON FORGE TV" from "other products" just in case Razer wants to re-release Cortex on a different platform.

So, I made this update because it was a strong idea in my mind yesterday morning to build. I still have no plans to put my games in any Double-A or Triple-A stores.

My ego is still pretty deflated, except yesterday someone who gave a TEDx talk recently decided to follow me on Twitter.

That might seem like a sign of success, except in her TED talk she talks about knowing when to kill a project, and I had just recently talked on my blog about my deflated ego and failure, saying I won't continue on a different game store.

So, it's bittersweet, being followed by a TEDx speaker feels like a big deal, but her talk just reminds me of how my project is dying, of my lack of success, because that's what she talks about.

Monday, January 30, 2017

New Idea for: Eat Carrots

Yesterday I archived my work to blu-ray disc, and I didn't think there was much left to do.

But today I thought of a brand new feature, and maybe a bug fix - to make to "The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots".


For a little while today I felt a big drive to make this new version --- but I'm not sure if people would ever play it. Nobody bought a forge.


Just know::: despite lack of financial success and nobody using the game system I develop for ---- I had yet another idea for a game I've already developed, and could update.

We'll see if I ever get around to doing that i guess.


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Also know that today I became frustrated with my life, especially my family but also to an extent a larger community, and I just feel a bit down-and-out about it.

Basically, I just see so many people in my life as "highly defective".  It's been this way pretty much since the beginning of my life.

It's like there's always something so wrong with life, with the world.

I try to be a good person, but there's always something wrong somewhere it seems.

Thank God for Psychiatrists --- I might've killed myself long ago. That or just lay down and die.

Sometimes life seems totally wonderful and beautiful,

and then conversely life seems like complete and utter shit.

I was enjoying my morning this morning, but after spending some time with my family today my mood has shifted lower.

Just thought I'd mention it. To keep my personality transparent - or whatever you want to call it.





UPDATE:::::: 6:19PM

I've already managed to do most of the work on a new update for The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots. I might want to do a little bit more, so we'll see what happens. But the update is progressing. I think I've mostly done it.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Ego Deflation

For the past long while I've been operating with a self-inflated ego ----- I've been trying to think positive, trying to think positive thoughts that would bring success to my business and make lots of money.

But now my ego has deflated --- and reality has sunk in.

People generally didn't buy OUYA games. People bought Nvidia Shields instead of Forge TVs. And of those thousands of people who decided to read my books ---- very few to none of them thought it would be worthwhile to actually pay me for any of my efforts.


So, the Forge is no longer being produced.


It was fun to build the games I built, and I was hopeful as ever for success. But people just didn't buy things.


So, if they move Cortex onto the Shield, then OK --- I guess I can continue that way.


But I've been thinking about my games and their quality, and I realize that I fit in well on OUYA/Cortex ------ but I'm not Triple-A or Double-A enough, most likely, to fit in on Google Play, or even PS4.

I like my games. My games are my creation, and I enjoy them. But I realize they just aren't at the level of other titles.

I wouldn't fit in very well with these more-professional stores. I don't think I would.


So, if Cortex is moved onto another platform --- that is where I can continue.


But, other than Cortex, I'm not likely to continue anywhere else. I'm just not elite enough. I did pretty good in my own mind, but I know that's not much compared to so many other great developers.


So today I archived as much as I could onto a blu-ray disc.  My games will be on this hard drive and in cold-storage.  In the unlikely event I could ever bring them back, I may be able to.


But, Cortex will it be, until there is no more Cortex, if that happens.


I really enjoyed OUYA. I enjoyed Forge TV too.


But I'm not a Triple-A kind of guy, and few to nobody wanted my form of indie. And the books just got ripped off.



So, I've deflated my ego, I'm accepting failure, and I have absolutely no clue what I'll do next --- especially as this computer science course I recently signed up for is no longer working.


No clue what to do next.  But it's actually good to get that ego deflated, and realize, and accept, failure.


At least I managed to bring my debt under control, with the help of the government. That's a good thing.



Thank you everyone for caring, because I realize if you read my blog, you care at least a bit.


So, I'll just stumble on my way, not sure what's next, but letting you know I'm not likely to release on another store, as I don't fit in well with those triple and double A titles.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Already? I Paid $50 for that!

So, a few days ago, or maybe a week ago, I mentioned I was starting to take a new course online, involving computer science.

I paid about $50CAD to take this course.

I logged in today, to do my time of study today, and found that I wasn't able to access the course anymore.

Should this surprise me?

I paid $50CAD for access, and then I'm cut off in less than a week, and I'm not totally sure why.



My biggest suspicion is that there were elements of the course that were supposed to be released today, but I'm guessing the course instructor just stopped doing it because nobody paid him, except for me.



Or maybe I've been flagged as an "evil person" and now I'm not even allowed to have an online education --- but this seems way less likely.




So, all my life, things have been going on.



From misbehaved siblings, to school mates who try to hypnotise me to do really-really wrong things, to a church leader who is corrupt, to a government institution taking away my fundamental rights, to thousands of people who won't pay me the smallest amount of money for any work, and now this, I spend $50 to take a year-long course, and I can't even access it less than a week after getting started.


Sheesh.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

A Whole New Wondering

So, my bank's website just educated me that if a canadian business expects to make $30,000 in a year they should apply for a GST number.



Uh ------ I've always been doing my work as an individual? Do I count as a business if I'm just me?

Anyway, I've never made that much money in a year. Never. Not in my life. Not even with AiSH included.


But, with Cortex/OUYA saying that about 13% of my customers are Canadian ---

30,000/0.13 = ~230,000   --------------


Which means if I'm being held up by the canadian government about GST taxing, that means I made at least $230,000.

No such sales reported, so I don't know.


BUT ---- with the number 23 involved here, I again have to wonder if my sales report is a joke, as if it's just a big hint or something.


So first, I was all screwed up about having to get an american ITIN ---- and now I might need a GST number too?????


Ughhh ----- it's too bad my education on these matters hasn't been so developed over these years.

I've never had much in sales reported to me.

I've always wanted huge sales though.

If I had huge sales --- were they not reported because my taxing situation isn't right? I dunno.


I mean, I could easily have made a whole tonne of money off of OUYA --- just never saw the sales reported. So I've never had a clue about tax numbers. No idea.


Do you think that guy from "a [unspecified] financial institution" who wanted to talk about the markets might've held a clue for me? Hmmmm.  It's too bad I thought he was one of those binary trader guys.


SO:::: if, as I've often wondered, I actually made a huge pile of money ----- what's the likelihood the money wasn't reported because the government was annoyed I didn't have a GST Number?


If it is a hold up about GST Numbers ---- then that means I made at least $230,000 in a year. Huh.

No clue.


I've been speculating for so long, and it did occur to me the government might've had an issue with me, but I didn't know all this stuff about GST,

or I didn't suspect it, because I'm just working as an individual, and well, yeah, huh. Oops.

I might've screwed up then I guess.


UPDATE::::


I've just been looking at the Canada Revenue Agency's guidelines on what a small supplier is and when to register for a GST number ----

I don't have to register for a GST Number until I've made $30,000.

I've never made that kind of money in my life.

So, there's something else going on here. What could it be? Never had sales like that reported from anywhere.


In fact, at my whole time at OUYA, so far I've only earned less than $150 --- in all these years, I've never even been paid yet.


Something very weird going on --- especially when you count in that last year's return I made 7.77CAD off of my authorhouse books and my whole taxable income for that return was 23.01CAD.

Something very weird or messed up going on here. Not sure.


Surely, it was possible to make tonnes on OUYA and Forge.  But it was never reported to me.


And the money, last year's return, that was reported, looked kind of funny.  So weird.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

3 turns to 4

I just had a look at my appointment card for my next psychiatric appointment:

They've done this before.

My appointments were supposed to be every 3 weeks.

My next two appointments are now every 4 weeks --- for two appointments.

Just an appointment or two ago they tried this then too, to move me from 3 weeks to 4 weeks.


What this means is, apparently, they are basically reducing my dosage now.



I can totally think that this is OK and normal for them to do::::: they've been hinting at it for long enough that it might make sense to do this,



but my Dad might have a problem accepting that my dosage would be lowered.


Probably one of the biggest reasons I've ever been involved with psychiatry is because my Dad is always expecting mental illness every where he goes from everyone, and since the beginning my Dad was a very powerful and forceful force in getting me onto drugs.


If he figures out that I'm now every 4 weeks, I mean, I can imagine that he'll freak out about it.



My Dad does not understand mental robustness.   To my Dad, the whole world, and everyone in it, has mental illness.


My Dad does not understand that any person could possibly be sane.

Maybe that's what part of the problem with our family has been all along. Just a belief in automatic diagnosis regardless of the full facts.


Sad thing is, my Dad doesn't realize how messed up that is.


Just because HE has problems, doesn't mean everyone else has to have his problems.


If I'm raised to believe in a bunch of bullshit, then what do you expect me to believe in? It's not my fault that was in my mind, that's how I was raised, not my own brain.


Maybe the whole problem was that my Dad just doesn't understand reality or mental reality properly.


Becase my Dad has said it many times before::: HE believes everyone has mental problems.


But ---- My mental problems just got vindicated.  Which says what about my Dad?


yeah ---- I can understand why I'm getting my dosage lowered now, but I know my Dad will have problems accepting that. (he's not home right now).


Basically, because my Dad has mental problems, he expects everyone has mental problems.  In the beginning, one of my biggest mental problems was just trying to discuss and have an intelligent discussion with my father ---- his mental problem was so frustrating to me that things just deteriorated ----- it was his mental problem, and my frustration, which he interpreted as my mental problem.

That's what happens when 1/3rd of your family is ADD. Huh.

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Basically, what I have understood is the whole reason I'm on drugs is because half my family is mentally impaired, and I get so frustrated that I get put on drugs just to mellow me out.

That's really all it was:::: In the beginning, I tried discussing problems with my Dad, but lo and behold, my Dad had ADD, and he couldn't reasonably or intelligently discuss anything with me, insomuch that even though I had irrefutable proof for my own position, my Dad would never accept it because he himself has mental problems, and I found this frustrating, so I got put on medication too.


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Oh --- and when I took the bus to the clinic today ------ Someone got on the bus and sat directly behind me, she looked kind of like Avril Lavigne, she was the right height, smelled like coconuts, and got off at the same stop as me (the clinic).  Just reminded me so much of the singer. Very weird.

Another Reason

I saw my psychiatrist today.

With the recent revelation at the end of Barack Obama's presidency from the CIA about the Star Gate program --- the program where they developed psychic abilities and used these abilities to spy for their national security purposes -

when I was challenged about my years of mental illness, I basically said "The whole reason I was being drugged by this clinic since the year 2004 was because of my belief in psychic mental telepathy.  What CIA recently declassified to public eyes basically vindicates my position in that belief".

At which point, I think it was the nurse, a new nurse, not the old one, revealed that I was being drugged for a completely different reason than the telepathy.


SO:::: The reason, for years, that I was TOLD I was being drugged was because of a belief in telepathy.

Then after years of being drugged, and having my position vindicated, I am now being told that I was being drugged for some other, not totally explained reason.



I mean, the one doctor would always increase the dosage I was on whenever I wouldn't decry my own belief in telepathy. I had my drug dosages increased repeatedly about some reason that wasn't apparently even the full reason I was being drugged.


I do have some suspicion what I was being drugged about ----- telepathy may have even made it clear on my mind what the actual reason for my drugging was, even before my 2004 stated belief in telepathy,


BUT NO ONE EVER TOLD ME TO MY FACE THAT THIS WAS A REASON FOR ANYTHING OR EVEN A PROBLEM FOR ANYONE. In fact, if I know what it was, as I suspect what it may have been ---- their issues with me never even were a problem and never even happened in the first place.

But, that is just my one suspicion that I was being drugged, a suspicion based on my "paranoid telepathy" about what people were saying about me behind my back ---- and I have some reason to believe that my paranoia is accurate on this one, although no one ever came to be about it --- even though they may have been drugging me about it for years.



SO:::: Unless I was being drugged essentially because of a false accusation that no one ever specified to my face,


then maybe it's because I believed in the LDS church at one time, and then because I rebelled from the LDS church at a later time.


I'm just getting really confused what the whole hubbub is about.


It was because of telepathy, as they explained, except there was something other going on that they didn't explain. Even though they always increased my dosage for telepathy.

It's possible i was accused of something, yet never told to my face about the accusation ----

and it's possible that they drugged me first for believing in mormonism, and then again drugged me for rebelling against mormonism.


So whatever, I'm getting really confused.


Basically::: Things just haven't been fully explained. The whole explained reason they were drugging me for years just disappeared as a reason --- I was vindicated.




SO:::::


Back when I was originally put in hospital (2002), I was having problems with my father because he wouldn't admit to my face to me that Annie Liability actually did want me.

Avril Lavigne eventually debunked that belief, by publicly singing, essentially, about my life and made it known that SHE DID want me, despite denying it.

During that stay in hospital I wasn't really allowed my full religious beliefs.


So years later back in 2004 I rebelled against the church that gave me the beliefs the doctors wouldn't originally allow,


SOOOO::::


Either I was drugged in relation with something to do with Annie Liability,

Or it was a belief in the church,

or it was a rebellion against the church,

the only other reason would be because I didn't like my Dad controlling my life but somehow the doctors might've thought I wasn't allowed to have my Liberty???? Even thought I have a RIGHT to Liberty????


So, basically, all I can suspect at this point is it might've been a belief in the church, a rejection of the church, or something to do with Annie Liability's false claims against me that I was put on drugs for.


It would be really seriously silly if I had to be put on drugs because I wasn't allowed to have a right to Liberty from my Father.



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Also, when it comes to finding my own place to live, it is abundantly clear that using a low cost housing program to own my own place is pretty far out of reach.

Basically::: the possibility for me to own a place is still pretty distant.


And yet, the nurse seemed to think that I should now be saving up for a down-payment, and that's interesting, because how far out of reach that is for now. Hah. :) We'll see. Just as long as I'm not rushed into leaving in one or two years.

In fact, for now, it makes sense for me to stay home, and instead learn to drive rather than move out.


But yeah, thinking I could or should go for a down payment on a home is really quite optimistic to me. :)

AiSH Benefit Day

So, my AiSH Benefit is coming soon, and just today my bank sent me an email to remind me that they'll let me have a special savings rate of over 3% on my money up to $500,000, while also reminding me that I can have a really low interest rate for my RSP Loan pre-approval which I last checked was up at $15,000 value.


To me, this seriously looks like my bank expects me to be rich.

And with all the charities who have come around asking for money, even one implicitly asking for $100,000, they obviously think I'm rich too.



If I had $100,000, I would have to pay Unity 3d. I would want to buy a place to live and a vehicle to drive.



Maybe I'm supposed to use my telepathy to figure out some secret of how to get paid or something. I can speculate for so long for why money doesn't appear in my reports or my accounts, but who knows --- maybe someone took offence at my work and maybe there's some kind of entanglement. Maybe.




I just remember that back when I tried to publish The Eagle's Sore as an Audio-Visual ebook on Youtube, that someone else put a copyright claim on MY book ----- so I took the AV Ebook down ----


so, in a world where fraudulent copyright claims happen, I can only imagine the kind of red tape my money might be tied up in with everything that has happened.


It's really disappointing that humanity can't just get it right the first time. Heck --- I'd have had nothing to write about if humanity had just been on its best behaviour all my life.


So, yeah, I'd like to get paid, I think my bank would like me to get paid, and nobody is telling me where to find my cheque or whatever the problem might be.  Maybe I'm just not reading enough spam email. Who knows.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

A New Beginning

so, my business fails, I found I hadn't much to do ---

but tada! my dad found an online computer science course that I can take over the next year.

So that's what I'm doing.

Early this morning I found I couldn't sleep, so I did the first bunch of lessons in this course.

Will I be able to complete it? Will my mentally ill mind explode from all the information?

I guess I'll just have to pace myself.

The course says it awards a certificate or degree or something, so I guess that would be nice to have.

I just have to take it one step at at time and keep going at it.





What I really feel like posting about is all the nonsense in my mind about how badly my business failed and my wonderings about why it failed and trying to think of things to say about that, but it's all pointless hopeless and vain for me to do that.

My attempt at working failed. I should get over it. It was fun while it lasted.

With all the open source development going on, I should just accept that it's very difficult to get paid for software work.

Who knows? Maybe after I finish this computer science course I can work in and be a part of the open source community too. Maybe. We'll see.





There's also stuff that happened in my heart in relation to spirituality, but as Jesus said - don't let your right hand know what your left hand does ----- so therefore I'm not sure I'll go into detail about my prayers here.  I just wish the world well, I guess, is how I can put it.




So:::
1) Going to try to learn lots of computer stuff over the next year. My brain might explode.
2) Wanting to talk and fuss about my failed business, but there's no point, it's all vain.
3) And I'm excited about something I've started to pray for, but I shouldn't really talk about that either. It's a good thing, don't worry.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

New Info

My last post said that maybe I'm not making money because part of my family is Mormon, and it would be a shame if my money I earned ended up with the Mormon church, saying this might be a reason I'm not making money.

I said it was also possible that they don't pay me because I'm opposed to Mormonism, but I found that reason less likely.


Well, I watched President Trump take the oath of office yesterday, and I noticed they had The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing right before he took his oath.


OK.  Well, that confuses me.  Or maybe it shouldn't:::: MOST people did not live with Mormonism, most people aren't as well versed in it as I am or was, so most people don't understand how awful I learned it to be.


There are some 'good' or 'good-ish' things about the Mormons. I know they even do have their magic.

But after fully analysing the religion, you'll find it's highly suspect of being fraudulent.


But anyway::: I guess the Americans try not to have prejudice towards their various religious sects, as they said at some point during the ceremony.


One of my personal biggest problems with Mormonism however, was when my bishop was prejudiced against Avril Lavigne simply because she was a rock star.

That seemed totally unreasonable to me.


Mormons claim they are anti-racist, but their history is full of racism, especially towards blacks, but also towards Jews and other Christian sects.


So, maybe my opposition to Mormonism is why I don't get paid (but there are other potential reasons),

but to me, it just shows that the Americans are uneducated or ignorant about that church when they have them singing at the inauguration ceremony.


I do wish President Trump luck or blessings or success for his term in office.



There are just so many possible reasons why my business failed, and my wandering mind likes the speculate as to why.


Yesterday they said a lot of Americans are or were on welfare ----- maybe they just couldn't afford to buy my products.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Why I Can't be richer maybe?

So, this morning as I woke up I decided to write about another reason why I might not be allowed to make so much money off of my projects.

Of course, people really might just not be buying anything, as 80% of the population apparently doesn't have money,

but I grew up as a Mormon.

When you join mormonism at the age of 8, you are either doing it because it's the thing to do that "everyone" does, or you're doing it because you think the Holy Ghost has told you, or it's because, in my case, you thought it would be a good morality to try to get your family involved with.

I joined the Mormon church because I thought it represented a great system of great morality that would lead my family out of the dark ages and into new light.

At that age, I didn't fully know what I was getting involved with. I thought I was joining some great ethical or moral organization ------ turned out I was just a "Mormon" because I didn't know very much about the actual truth about it.

LDS Mormonism might claim to be a high moral standard or superior morality, but in reality it is far from being that. In my grown-up opinion, Mormonism is actually amoral or even immoral.



Basically, with how half my family (the girls) still subscribe to it, and they refuse to give up their involvement/belief in it, it's possible that I just can't be trusted to take care of all the money I could've made.


Mormons like to believe they are supposed to give everything they have to the church.


If I made 10 million dollars, it would be a disaster if all that money ended up with the church.


Half my family still believes in and follows that church, so therefore maybe I can't be trusted to have my money.



Or maybe, conversely, society decided I can't have my money because I am now opposed to Mormonism ---- but this seems far less likely.




Basically, I thought I was being a Morally good boy by joining the Mormon church --- as I grew up I learned more, and it turned out the organization is actually not so great in reality.


Maybe that's why I can't have lots of payment.



My parents doomed me just by joining that church. But I suspect they may have joined the church because of the severe mental illness in our family.


What's interesting now however, is the severely mentally ill members of our family (me, my brother (+Dad)) gave up belief in the organization while the closer to normal members of my family still believe in it. Very weird.


Anyway, I guess I was doomed from birth, but that actually doesn't make me much different than so many other people ------ actually, I'm in pretty good condition all things considered.



So yeah, LDS Mormonism ain't so great, and half my family believes in it, so maybe that's why I can't make it rich.



Also::: My mom has thought out loud about how much she actually doesn't want to be so rich. So maybe that's a reason too.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Horrible, but not my fault I think?

Youtube has shown me videos recently about scientific evidence for telepathy by other researchers. That combined with another video Youtube showed me about a type of psychological abuse, I reflect on my life, and I am saddened.

FIrst off:

I won't go into detail here, but Psychologists have named a certain kind of abuse that can take place in romantic or professional relationships "Gaslighting". "Gaslighting" is summarized as an abuser trying to get a victim to question their own sanity, to believe they are crazy.

The video went through 10 points about what Gaslighting is when it happens, and I was able to quickly identify the LDS church doing 4 of those points in my own life, and upon further reflection they may have been doing a 5th as well.





Anyway ----- My life has been horrible in so many ways. Just terrible things happening in my life. Most of that is now historical --- and I am so glad that things are mostly better now,


But my life has had huge problems surrounding it which are very regrettable.


And I look at my life, and I think, how much of this was my own fault?



I think I was given some very poor circumstances in my life, and though the world surrounding me has been horrible, I am mostly confident that I have done my best to be a good person. I'm not perfect, but I tried to be good.



When I was doing my psychology study at the University recently, the researcher asked me if there was anything I felt really guilty about in my life.

There are SOOO MANY things that have happened in my life that are just so wrong,

But the biggest thing I have ever felt guilty about was masturbation.

My psychiatrist, and this psychological researcher, both agree and make it clear that masturbation is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF and it is in fact normal, healthy and a good way to avoid sexually assaulting anyone,


but I grew up in a church that would do it's best to try to shame and guilt trip young men about just about anything, especially masturbation.


A reasonable mind would just understand and know that masturbation is a necessity of life for so many people ----- but here's the church that raised me trying to shame the young men about, trying to make the young men lie about the practise.


My life has had all kinds of horrible things happen, and it's really too bad that the biggest guilt trip I was sent on in my life was over something that wasn't even actually wrong.

Just goes to show how screwed up my circumstances were in life.




So, in all seriousness, I absolutely regret so many things that have happened in my life, but I don't feel I can personally be blamed.

And my lack of personal blame for these things can be illustrated for how the church I was raised in would shame and guilt trip the young people about things that aren't wrong, and are even good things to do.


Something was just so wrong about the life I lived growing up.  It was so screwy what I had to live with.


I am recovering, I am happier, life is much better now.  But it is a very sad place where I originated.


Probably the biggest problem facing me in life today is my brother's severe mental illness, which he is being treated for and has made some level of recovery in. But he's still got some problems.


Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving and peaceful --- things I hope for everyone.





My life has been horrible. I tried to do my best, I'm not sure I can be blamed for the garbage. It's no my fault the church made that rule, or people around me behaved in that way. You know?

Friday, January 13, 2017

Brother is doing better

I saw my brother today.  He seems to be doing better now. Even better than two weeks ago, and loads better than two months ago.

If he stabilizes, then my need to move out of my parents' house will be drastically reduced.

But, I'm just kind of thinking if me learning to drive a car would be a better allocation of resources than me moving out on my own.

Sorry to all you people in my family and at the hospital who had a bee in their bonnet that I needed to move out::: if my brother is stable, then my need to get out is heavily reduced, and there might be better options than me moving out.

I could move out, OR I could use the money I would've spent on rent to learn to drive and buy a car.



IF I MOVE OUT:
1) I will not learn to drive.
2) I will be spending money on rent instead of learning to drive.
3) I will be alone and lonely, and getting a ride places will be harder.
4) My brother will be alone, and if he goes ill again, he'll be out of luck.

IF I LEARN TO DRIVE:
1) I will learn to drive.
2) I will be spending money on a car, and learning to drive it, and I can stay at a house my family already owns for cheaper.
3) I will have social company in my family, and I will be able to drive myself places instead of pestering my Dad for a ride.
4) My brother will be with me when my parents die, so if he's ill again, I can more easily take him to the hospital.




To me, the obvious choice is for me to learn to drive and to stay at home.


Everyone seemed to start getting a bee in their bonnets that I needed to move out, but I think there's another option --- and my Dad realizes this too.

I only needed to move out for reasons of personal comfort --- not wanting to have to live with a disturbed individual who was not getting the right treatment.

He is now getting the right treatment, and I will be able to live with him again.


It makes more sense to distribute resources so I can drive a car, rather than distributing resources into wasted rent money.


I just hope everyone will learn this and realize it.


It does, seriously make more sense for me to drive than it does for me to move out.


If my parents really want me out, then I can leave ---- but last time I asked my Dad, he wasn't too certain I should leave in any time frame.

Deleted the past 5 or 6 posts

I deleted the past 5 or 6 posts, the storyline about Rebate payment weirdness.

Turns out, I was just confused about how the information was presented on the government website:: I found more information which indicated that everything is as one would expect.



In other news:

I've been giving a whole bunch of money to charity for years now --- and charities just come asking for more and more. But I'm not that rich. And people just don't seem to be able to afford the small price on any of my work.

I guess the whole world is impoverished --- where all this charity is being asked for, where people will just take freebies and rip-offs, and nearly no one will actually honestly pay the smallest price for a product.

Wow. Huh. To be honest, after donating so much already, and seeing pretty much zilch coming in from sales, I stop feeling inclined to continue donating --- especially when I will probably be going through big changes in my life that will be very expensive.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A counter-argument from another youtuber

Earlier today I posted about how Youtube is warning me against spending money and materialism and is showing me videos about being happy with little to just what you have.


Then, this evening, I turned on my ipad and received a notification that another Youtuber who I am subscribed to released a video about the deadliest mistake an entrepreneur can make.

The mistake?


It almost seemed like he made his video in direct response to what I said on my blog --- or at least in direct response to what youtube was showing me earlier about anti-materialism ----


basically, it's the concept of making millions and then getting a revelation that money doesn't matter anymore.


I know I'm in danger of just ripping off another guy's words and video by putting that here, but I'm mentioning it in commentary format because it's relevant to the discussion I was posting earlier this morning about, and his video coming out in the evening.

So yeah----

Like one of the sheep from the book "Animal Farm" by George Orwell, I'm a little stupid in that I have a tendency to agree with the person who is speaking at the time, even if the different speakers disagree with each other.


I could see a bunch of videos about how to become rich and tips on how to be wealthy, and I'll soak it up and agree ----


and then when I see a bunch of videos about how bad materialism is for poor people and the environment and how happy you can be with what you have ----- I had some idea I could agree with that too.

Of course, the two viewpoints seem very conflicting and contradictory. Or they ARE contradictory.


So, I suppose, in some way, I'm like one of the stupid sheep in George Orwell's book.


Know how else I'm stupid?

I had to look up Animal Farm's author on google to make sure I spelt his name correctly.

The actual name: George Orwell
The name I had written down: Orson Wells


Yeah, I guess I'm a bit stupid like that --- can't even spell, just like the animals in the book.





BUT ---- In all seriousness, If I could be wealthy, I would. But I also believe in sharing with others, so that would affect my wealth. which means, I can be happy with wealth, and I can be happy giving to others, lowering my own wealth but still being happy.




I told my psychiatrist today about the 2.6 million dollar price tag on my book on Amazon.ca during Christmas. I told her I fear the world hates me if they repeatedly don't pay me.

I'm bouncing between the euphoria of potentially being worth a lot, and the sadness of being unappreciated.




But, if I did make 2.6 million dollars or somesuch sum on my work, I thought about how guilty I feel that I would essentially be ditching my very mentally ill brother while I have all the reward.


Though it is true in the past year that I really do understand that I can't really fully live with my brother while he's having problems,


I also feel guilty about the concept of me having all kinds of wealth and income and success while I ditch him and leave him behind to be as mentally screwed up as he is. If I did that, I would feel bad.


Basically, I feel very sorry for my brother ---- being as poor as I am, I am not able to deal with his illness by myself.


But if I became wealthy, I would feel bad about ditching him, and actually, being wealthy I would be able to do something about his problems if it ever became a problem.


So:::

While I'm poor, I can't handle or deal with my brother's issues, and I have to get out.

It would be nice to have money to buy a place to live when I get out.

If I had a tonne of money and could buy myself a place, then I am far more likely to be able to deal with my brother's problems and therefore would not need to ditch him as such --- he and I could still live together essentially.




Basically, being poor is tearing us apart, because I can't deal with his problems. And if he's alone and he has problems --- then he's screwed, up shit creek without a paddle for him at that point.



But if I had money, and I could buy my own place to live, I could also learn to drive a car, and then if me and my brother were together, and he was having problems, I would be far more capable of helping him through it.



So yeah, I need money to have a place to live, I need money to help my severely ill brother at any point down the road ------


and if I don't have money for myself and my family, then I'm essentially forced to ditch the problems, and if he ever has problems again, he would be shit out of luck --- cuz being poor, I can't deal with it.


If I were rich, I could deal with it better.



So yeah, I do wish I could make money, it would make me happier I think.



And it brings me down psychologically and emotionally to see thousands of freebies and rip-offs, and nearly no one can be bothered to spend $1-$3 on me.  So, yeah, that gets depressing.


But I know when I'm deluded that I have been successful, I feel great euphoria and I feel wonderful I made it, when my mind is deluded that I had my success.


So::: it's up to you world, do you want to show me you care, or do you want me to feel bad? I only asked for a little bit of money.

Being Paranoid and treatment from Youtube

So, trying to sell products, wanting to make enough money to buy a house or drive a car --- I become paranoid of why I'm not selling anything.

I could be paranoid that people don't like me personally, I could be paranoid that the world hates me, which they might, but I also get paranoid about my rankings and things.


SO:: I think something good that Youtube does for me, to help me cope with the lack of income, is show me a bunch of videos in my feed, like, kind of psycho-therapy telling me how bad materialism is, that I don't need a whole lot of money or material wealth in order to be happy.

Though up here in Canada it is very cold out and if I were to move out of my parents' house it would be nice to be able to afford my own place -----


Youtube reminds me of the benefits of a lifestyle where I can be happy with what I have, and that I don't need a tonne of material goods.



It's possible the world doesn't hate me, it's possible that they just can't afford to pay me for anything, with all the deep debt crisis, unemployment and the fact that 95% of money doesn't actually exist -----


So thank Youtube that they are reminding me of being happy with what I have. I guess. It does seem to work, watching a video about not spending lots, not having lots, and still being happy anyways.


When all my games seem to be in competition for last place in their genres on Cortex, I do wonder if everyone has decided to turn their backs on me ----- but there are so many free games on cortex that maybe my premium and freemium games just won't get the attention because people just won't spend the money for previously stated reasons.


So, I get paranoid, but Youtube helps me feel happy with what I have. Yay.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Author Rank at Author Central

I just did something I haven't done for a long time:

I went to author central at amazon, and looked at my historical author rank.



Considering how much people don't buy anything or much of anything from me ---- I sure do have some interesting lines being drawn.




If people consistently never buy from me --- you'd think I'd constantly be going down in rank and really shouldn't get up in rank so much,



but I've noticed that I do have some ways of going up in rank, even dramatically up in the past -----


Would one book sale send me from bottom to top so quickly?



What about all these little patterns where I'm going up a little bit at a time?


If I never sold anything --- you'd think I'd be heading down consistently. But I'm not.


Something very strange here. Does just visiting my own Author page or looking up my books on the website improve my rank?



Anyway, with such lack of sales, you'd think my rank would be in constant decline ---- but it's not in a completely constant decline. Something else is going on, even if it's a small number. Hmmm.

And then there are these from bottom to top to bottom again movements --- would selling one book at a time do that to me?



Very confusing.



Maybe I just don't know how to interpret the graph, maybe I don't know all the factors involved.


I just didn't think my author rank would improve at all if I had no sales or anything.


UPDATE::::


Just so everyone knows:: I only made $0.07 on my books in 2016. and that was in July.


But for some reason, my author ranks improves quite a bit in OCTOBER of 2016 ---- yet there are NO reports of any action going on then.  Was it just a correction? Did Amazon suddenly lose a lot of authors?


Most of the big swings on the chart I can account for ---- apparently one ebook sold does dramatically increase your author rank ---- and I've accounted for most of it,


but in October 2016 there's a substantial increase in my rank, but no report from any publisher in October 2016 ---- the only action last year was July 2016.

?????

Just a correction? What?


And then, for the past 2weeks to a month, my author rank has slowly been going up --- that probably means nothing, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. Very weird.

But a big increase in October 2016 that isn't explained by any sales reported. Huh. Confusing.




UPDATE::::::::

I asked Amazon Author Central about the substantial Author Rank Improvement in October 2016 that has no explanation, and I was wondering what the explanation was-------


and the response had nothing to do with Author Rank, it was some bs about the Bestseller Rank that I already knew,



so at this point AMAZON has just given me the first step in a run-around.


I asked a question about Author Rank, and they responded with stuff I already know about the Bestseller Rank which is not the same thing.



So yeah ----- I asked Amazon about this, and only got a run-around response.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Deleted the last 2 posts

I deleted the last two posts I made, the end of year posts ---- they weren't extremely useful in their content I think.

I thought of so much to say in those posts, and it seemed so important to talk about --- but now it doesn't seem important to talk about.

Things on my mind in past few hours:

1) Starting to look forward to moving out. I was feeling a bit of a want to stay at home, but I'm also now looking forward to moving out.

2) It doesn't seem to matter what I do, if people just aren't going to pay me for my work --- then there's little to no point to continue making new content. I have most of a new book written already --- but if no one was going to pay me for my last 10 projects, then why would anyone pay me for this one?

3) If people did pay me for my work ---- I think it would be so nice if I could be paid on my end so I could find a new place to live and all that.

It's 4:59AM and I haven't slept all night, so apologies if this post seems to repeat old stuff, and seems mostly pointless.

I just like to talk about what's on my mind, and sometimes what's on my mind isn't very important - I know.

Better to write it on my blog than send too many emails to old friends.