Friday, June 23, 2017

It's kind of good or was supposed to be

I was sitting around this morning, thinking about my family, life, and growing up in the Mormon church.

I realized something.  The Mormon church actually has some pretty good things about it. It tries to do something good.

The unfortunate thing, in my experience - it all went wrong.

I was actually a PRETTY GOOD Mormon. I really tried hard to be a good Mormon. And there were good things about that.

The problem was that many Mormons, including in my own family - just didn't do what they were supposed to, so it all fell apart.

Here's where part of the thought process comes from:::: From what I understand of the Mormon temple covenants, the temple covenants are really nothing new.  You get taught all or most of those covenants even before you go to the temple.

In fact, to me it appears like this:::

You get baptized. You get taught the rules, and you have covenanted to follow them.

You go to church every Sunday, you take of the sacrament to renew your covenants.

You go to the temple. This is where you REALLY renew your covenants, essentially. Or something.


Really, the temple covenants are no surprise and nothing new when you grow up in Mormonism.

You were taught to follow these rules right from the beginning.



I think part of the problem lies, like in my personal experience, where I was the only kid who paid attention in Sunday school. I remember Sunday school well ---- everyone didn't care, I really was basically the only kid who paid attention to the teacher.

Everyone else went to the temple, a lot served missions, but I personally did neither.

I was actually really gung-ho for the church, but there was something wrong, the concept of which can just be embodied by the concept that most students in Sunday school just didn't listen to anything.




So, there are good things in Mormonism.  It just really stopped working for me when people weren't following the rules, and when the rules suddenly changed and became the opposite of what they were supposed to be without warning.


There are many examples of people, not following rules, so I won't go into detail ----

but an example of the rules or teachings changing is like this:::: Since primary as a kid, and to my patriarchal blessing, the church ALWAYS taught the "still small voice" of the Holy Ghost, even as a disembodied actual voice.

By the time I grew up, the teaching changed to how there is no voice from God and you have to take your meds if you hear it.


Clearly, there was something wrong.


There was so much good in the church, but it was basically "bait and switch" --- where they teach you one thing growing up all the time, and then when you get older it suddenly becomes different -- which made no sense to me.  It may also be considered a form of psychological abuse called "gaslighting".


But it's interesting to note how the temple covenants are really nothing new since the day you were baptized, and somehow the people whose baptismal covenants "didn't stick" went to the temple, while I, who took my baptismal covenant seriously, never went to the temple.



I got so annoyed with Mormonism over time, but I do realize there were supposed to be some good things about it.  People just didn't do what they were supposed to.


And maybe some of the rules in the church were kind of arbitrary or only partially great, maybe they were kind of just like guidelines for young people ---- I mean, the rules had some good use about them, even if they weren't totally necessary. There was some good to the rules, even if they were not absolutely necessary rules (it really depends on your perspective on what rules should be --- the rules might be questionable, but I do realize that they did some good, even if I myself don't follow them anymore).





I guess a major point of this post is just to note that the church teaches you to be accountable and follow the rules at age 8 ----- but somehow so many young people don't seem to get the message by age 18, and they have to retry to reteach the same concepts over again.



ADDITIONAL::::::

Perhaps I'm just feeling like trying to seem positive about LDS Mormonism because my Mom went to the LDS Temple this morning, so maybe there's a spiritual force or force of mind control acting on me trying to make me benevolent towards the church.

So, yes, there were some good things about the church. A lot of people just didn't do what they were supposed to, however.


But when you get past the surface of the church's skin, there does eventually come up issues that don't really make a lot of sense ---- so in that way there are problems.


By the time I was 17 years old in the church, the teaching "DO WHAT YOUR LEADERS TELL YOU - EVEN IF YOU DON't AGREE/EVEN IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG" was highly prevalent in my ward or stake ---- basically, someone was getting everyone in line to just follow orders.


My orders were this::: "Forgive them, but don't talk to them. Follow the council of your psychiatric doctors" ---- The doctors basically told me the church wasn't actually true.


So, I was told to forgive without the communications --- those in themselves are self-contradictory instructions.

But all my life I was being brainwashed with how true the church is, and the orders are to follow the leaders, and the leader's orders are to follow the doctors, and the doctor's orders are to disbelieve in the Church.

Something wasn't making sense.


So, things stopped working for me in that church ---- it just fell apart.  But somehow some of my family members do not seem to realize how messed up things got, so they continue with the church, and it's beyond me how they figured out to do that. Obviously, there is something wrong with my family's heads - which I have actually known and realized since I was very young.


yeah, life can be pretty painful sometimes. Luckily, I'm doing OK these days, beyond losing my money to dental expenses.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

I actually got a real email!!!

holy crap --- I actually got a REAL email.

It comes from someone at the University of Toronto.

They're advertising a job opening.

Something about handling delinquent accounts.



1) I can't handle the people who don't pay me - am I the best for the job at this point?

2) Maybe I could gain experience in dealing with people who don't pay.


If it's in Ontario, then I'd have to move and lose my Alberta benefits ---- probably not the best move.



Actually ---- I will note that it did cross my mind that maybe if my email is censored, that it's censored because if people email me, why should I want to talk to them if they don't pay me a small amount for my work?  And, well, most people just don't pay - so maybe whoever might be censoring me is just protecting me, perhaps.

But yeah, just interesting to get an ACTUAL email.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I have few to no friends

I write a lot. I have a lot of things to say, and I have been this way for years.

Thank you, people, who visit this blog, because if you didn't visit this blog I would have one less place to talk to people.

I basically have two main groups of people in my life I can talk to more or less regularly:::

My family, and workers at the psychiatric clinic.

I suppose I could visit with other mentally ill people, but for reasons I won't list here, I don't.

There were old friends from school and church, some of whom I have friended with on Facebook --- but my school friends abandoned me, and I don't want to be involved with that church anymore.

Sometimes I have some communications with Avril Lavigne, and that's real nice, but she could easily just fit in with the psychiatric community designation.

I know on OUYA and now with my bitcoin store, I accept emails at my one email address.

No one ever really says much of value there. I kind of wonder if Apple blocks messages from the public because I get messages that look like this a lot:



I get lots of messages like that -- they don't really say anything, and I rarely click on the link - but when I do it's like, always leading to the same weight loss article online.

I get all these messages that don't say anything essentially, making me wonder if there's censorship.

So yeah, I have lots to say, but no one to say it to, so thanks for visiting my blog.

In some ways, being introverted, it's good for me to be lonely. But, to be honest, I basically don't have friends.

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I did some work on that book I was working on a year ago again. I had some hope of maybe publishing it and selling it in my bitcoin store. I know, fat chance of that working out.

I try.

Now I should post this before my laptop crashes.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

An Update on Stuff

You know that poem I published a few days ago

BAH --- Stupid Crashing Laptop. I just had to restart my computer because somehow writing on blogger likes to crash this machine. Oh, darn it.

Anyway, that poem I wrote a few days ago: two things:

1) I looked up the word "debauchery" in a couple dictionaries. The word does not quite mean what I thought it meant. But it was still an OK word to use in that context anyway.

2) I said "I'm blinder now" in the poem. Truth was, a day or two before I wrote that poem I was accidentally shot in the eye with a nerf dart, leaving me partially blind in peripheral vision in low-light conditions. Good news::: I think I'm getting my sight back.

Whether my sight is returning because of natural law, or whether it's because of Jesus, or a friend praying for me, or a small chant I used to invoke a self-healing process, whatever it was, I think my sight is coming back, it's improving. Yay.



As for my bitcoin store::: well, if advertising on Amazon, or trying to sell books elsewhere or video games is any indication, I can't really expect people to buy.

The thing was though, for a long time I could put something up for sale on EBAY and it would most likely sell within days.  Somehow, now, people just won't buy things from me. My store has only been up for a day so we can give it some time.

All the reports I hear are that people just don't have the cash.

It's weird when I was young my family was quite poor, and I always saw everyone else as almost always being richer than me Now that I'm older, somehow I'm the rich one and most other people aren't so rich. Strange how that is.

But yeah, I was talking to a family member a day ago, and though he works at a real job and is really honorable, somehow I'm able to afford a dental implant, while he wouldn't have been able to.


So, who knows if I'll every sell anything in my bitcoin store. People are apparently just very poor, which means the tables have turned since my childhood.

Of course, unfortunately, when most people are poor, that means I'm unable to sell anything. Unfortunate.


So, I should post this entry before my laptop crashes again.  It's so annoying how unstable the software is on this hardware. Sometimes it runs for a long time without problem --- but often it will invariably eventually crash. So annoying.

My New Bitcoin Store

In the right-hand column on this website, there is now a BITCOIN STORE that you can buy some things from me with. Everything is in bitcoin. So far, I only offer some books I have on hand and special misprints and all, but it's all purchasable.

You just have to follow the instructions on the page to buy the items from me.

Remember: It's all in bitcoin, no real cash. Fun!

DO NOT pay me at the Donations address. I will email the payment address after you initially contact me.

Thank you.

UPDATE:::
I just added LTW First Edition Hardcover and TBoF Second Edition Hardcover to my store. Only one of each, however.

UPDATE::::
Just added an old XBOX 360 HD-DVD Player and a few HD-DVDs to my Bitcoin Store.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

First Poem I've Written in Years

When I Was Young
by Kris Attfield
June 17th, 2017

When I was young
I wasn't dumb
I was good in schools
And I obeyed the rules

My future looked so bright
But something wasn't right
Mistreatment abuse and debauchery
really took a toll on me

So on a day of disaster long ago
I fell apart - my mind was blown
So many people wanted to help
But some people wanted me in hell

I've grown up now,
I'm fatter now,
I'm missing teeth now,
I'm blinder now,
I'm worn out now

My psychic power is limited
my creativity is limited
I try and try and try and try
But I am immobilized

By the fact that I do not drive
I can't go places, I have to arrange rides
And I tried to work to grow in life
But I'm disabled and the knife
cuts a tiny piece of GDP pie for me
not enough to spend on lessons see?

So I try to be good
But the world is bad
And I become rude
And everyone's sad

I wish I could work and learn and grow
But old and worn out and with payment unknown
Is the way that I have become
When Jesus comes back, I hope I'll be young.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Dressed like it's the 30s.

It's 11:31pm so I have 29 minutes to write this post before the next day.

Today I was at the zoo--- and I was shopping at Superstore and Costco --------- that's how I got all that exercise I mentioned in my last post.

But something was weird. At the zoo I saw these dark-skinned individuals hanging around who were dressed up like they came from a past era --- the 30s I'm guessing it was.

The clothes were stylish suits, with a stylish hat, and maybe as you might imagine a jazz musician of the time to appear.

They were at the zoo. And I remember seeing them at Costco too --- as if they had followed our family.

Was today some special 'dress up like it's the 30s' day for a black community in Calgary?

Because I'm starting to wonder if I was actually seeing ghosts.

At Costco, I was in the restaurant area beyond the cashiers, as I waited for my Mom to check out. Right next to me a guy from the 30s showed up, and he walked from the "buy everything beyond this point" part to the "pick up the things you are going to buy" area --- he was walking through the store backward.

Just a little interesting and strange.  Why are the at the zoo and Costco? Why did the one at Costco not have anything to buy, yet he was past the cashiers, yet walked back into the store area? Strange behavior, strange clothing --- unusual in our day and age.


I'm basically just wondering what I was seeing.


Was I seeing ghosts? Were ghosts following me around today?

I mean, how do you explain these people at the zoo and at the store I just happened to be shopping at?


Just very strange.


They looked vivid and realistic as if they were just normal people. The clothing was from a different time, however.


I will also note another "differently" dressed people I saw at the zoo:::: I thought they were Amish of some sort, except they spoke plain English - not German or anything like that.

Basically, a bunch of white people from a long time ago who you would think are like the Hutterites or Mennonites of today, the Amish. But they spoke English.

Not sure. Ghosts again maybe? Really not sure.

So::: what should I do about that?


I should note:::: My sister's daughter is getting baptized into the LDS Mormon church soon. I wonder.


Just wondering if they were actually ghosts/spirits.  I should mention that the term "ghost" or "spirit" is pretty much synonymous, basically, the same thing, or at least, as a Mormon would understand they are basically the same thing.

Amazon Relevant Email. Sort of.

I checked my email a little while ago.

Usually, the messages that seem like spam don't seem relevant and seem to be fake.

But today I got a message that claimed to be from "THE UNIVERSITY OF IDAHO" ----- and it had something to do with Amazon.

My interest is piqued.

All the message said was "Hi", "3 Messages" and a link to click on.

So I clicked the link::: Just another one of those spammy weight loss articles.

Now I'm confused. Fake emails send weight loss articles like that.


But mentioning Amazon is relevant, and the U of Idaho should be respectable ---- so the message said very little except for a link to a spammy weight loss article.

Anyway::: got your message. Who knows what you are trying to say.




But::: about me losing weight::: today I actually got over 30 minutes of exercise, which is unusual for me, as well as I quadrupled my daily move goal on my Apple watch. yay.


Anyway:::::: just saying I got your message U of I person::: it intrigued me at first, but the link was just the same old spammy article [topic] other spams send.


So:: no idea. Lots of strange emails claiming to be from facebook and google, but they probably aren't.


A relevant email claiming to be from the U of I, and it was just an unexpected message on the link.


So::: I got your message, and yes, I got a bunch of exercise today, but I'm not sure what losing weight as to do with my website and life topic of Amazon.


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On a side note, I've been writing with the help of Grammarly for a little while now, and I am noticing there are some bugs in the program which give suggestions which are actually wrong. I know my English well enough, and some of the "errors" are actually correct, and the corrections are errors. Just saying.

Tried Advertising Again

I tried advertising The Eagle's Sore again. This time with Amazon Marketing Services. The results make me sad.

I set a campaign budget of $100USD. The campaign would last a couple months.

I had 3,358 impressions.

Those impressions got 23 clicks.

Those clicks cost me $4.59.

And there were ZERO reported sales.



Actually, when you look at the Ebook for The Eagle's Sore on amazon.com, the book went from not being sold/not on the bestseller's list to finally being listed on the best seller's list.

According to the book's page on amazon.com, the book did sell a copy ------ but after days of waiting for that sale to show up in reports, there was nothing reported.



As you might imagine, this all seems very sad to me.


People ripped off The Eagle's Sore in droves from pirating sites and took it for free in droves ----- but for some reason with a few dollars in the price tag, all of the sudden no one can afford it.


I guess it must be a real struggle to have money for people who aren't on disability like me when pretty much nobody can actually buy a product for a small price.

I mean, I can't even afford to learn to drive a car (much less buy a car) ---- yet so many people out there who aren't disabled do own cars ----- but they apparently can't just pay a small price for my products.

Just something weird about that.

People will rip me off in droves, and nobody can be honest.

I guess that explains why some theologians or people who experience "death visions" report that there will be much more people in hell than in heaven. This might be an offensive thing to say, but seriously "THOU SHALT NOT STEAL" ----- When most people won't pay a small price and will steal, I can only think that God is going to have a problem with that. You have to be pretty forgiving as a thief to get forgiven yourself.



Yeah, I'm just spending my money to advertise, and it's sad how nobody will spend anything to pay me for my work. So sad.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Asking God for Help works



I got the above result in my guessing game directly after asking God to help me get a perfect answer.

Obviously, this shows that GOD DOES HELP and that psychic power probably has something to do with God. Beyond that, I'm not scientifically sure how this happens ---- but it does happen.

I'm really not a very powerful mentalist:::: I only have enough ability to know that such things exist and are real. I probably can't be totally relied on a lot of the time for good or perfect readings ----- it's just that this result is SO GOOD, SO MAGICAL, and only happened directly after asking God for help in getting a perfect answer.

Don't even bother taking this with a grain of salt --- I am being perfectly honest here.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Living with Pain

My last post "Psychiatry is Wonderful" I deleted because it seemed like, I dunno, something I didn't really need to have on this website.

What I will say right now though is this:::

My life is peaceful and calm now, I'm mostly happy.

But my memories are a pain. It's like a psychological wound.

I just have too many memories playing over and over again of people who don't care to even try being somehow good.

There are actually a lot of people in my experience who seemed to have no good intentions.

Sometimes people praise "freedom of speech" --- but why?

On TV, the newly elected Federal Conservative leader said he would remove federal funding from universities who denounced free speech.

But is free speech really such a good thing? Opposing viewpoints are important to listen to ----

But when half your classmates at school are trying to hypnotize you to do something illegal ---- when does free speech become a problem?

I mean, free speech is just that --- say whatever you want. Free expression allows you to say it however you want.

I just have memories of classmates at school repeatedly trying to hypnotize me to be a bad person, without going into detail.

Free speech is just that -it's free ------ so when is it wrong to tell others to do things that are illegal?

To be honest, I've lived enough life to know that a lot of people don't filter anything they say --- it's just straight up bullshit with so many people ------ and many of the problems I have experienced in my own life were likely caused or influenced just by people saying whatever the fuck bullshit they ever wanted to say.



Anyway ---- just saying that I have really bad memories that play over and over again ----- and a lot of it is just people saying a bunch of bullshit that actually isn't right.



Part of the problem is that some people are not "fully educated" and don't know the right things to say.


But I am suffering psychologically. Just have memories of too many problems.


How is it that so many people just don't care about goodness? Good behavior leads to a prosperous life - how can it be any other way? And yet so many people in my experience just did not behave well.


I guess I'm pretty messed up. But seriously::: what kind of students at school attempt to hypnotize their classmates to do illegal things? I mean, seriously. There is something wrong.


My life is so completely messed up, and I'm just trying to recover.


Now I'm just rambling on. It can just be too much to put up with sometimes. And some people just don't seem to have the brains to understand how their behavior really affects others.


Anyway, I'm just suffering psychological -- life is good, peaceful calm, but I have too many bad memories replaying. It sucks. Why do people do that? It's just the stupidest thing.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Told the Psychiatric Clinic

For the past several hours our home power has been out due to maintenance. I disconnected my electronics from the wall (for safety) the night before so I didn't forget to do so.

Yesterday after I posted my video on youtube (linked to in my last post) I started to feel very nervous, I had a kind of bad feeling. I wasn't dishonest, I just felt nervous. Not butterflies in my stomach, but I felt a bit scared.

And as I was writing the above, we got a phone call my Dad decided to screen --- and the answering machine message picked up the voice of a man who swore at us. Huh. Looks like a big problem maybe?

BUT ---- Shortly after posting that video I got a comment on youtube from "Epic Radio" that said "dope!" ---- awesome,

and today I saw my psychiatrist, the psychiatrist politely accepting my results from mental testing, while the psychiatric nurse got really quite excited about my news of yesterday's video.

The doctors used to seem to have a problem with psychic-type-stuff ----- now they are totally open to it.

So, yeah, weirdly yesterday I felt rather nervous about my latest youtube post, and just as I was writing this post someone was swearing at us on our answering machine ---- so who knows.

Yeah, something is wrong, my Dad has gotten a little paranoid again.

But it's also completely right the completely positive response I've received from others, most people so far seem pretty happy about my results.

I mostly feel fine now, I feel good or OK ---- but last night just had a kind of bad feeling. I was being totally honest, however.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Recent Telepathy Gaming

In all or most of my tests with my parents trying to read their minds --- I have often been wrong. Maybe they just won't let me be right.

But, I can play with my computational devices as well, so have a look at some of the cool results I got the past two days:

I started playing ESP Trainer on my iPhone yesterday. I was doing pretty OK at that at first.

Then I went to Telepathy 0 on my iPhone. I got a 6 streak.



Then today I decided to try a game I developed myself on the Mac --- Guess 3 Characters. I did pretty well at that this morning too.








Years ago my psychiatrist was making a big fuss out of my belief in telepathy, condemning me to years of drugging and ridiculed for my beliefs.


Years later, with the help of computer technology, home family testing, and the US government's admission that they were doing the Psychic Spy thing decades earlier ----- I have now proven my point about the whole telepathy thing, TELEPATHY IS REAL.

I'm not necessarily the best at it, but I can demonstrate it pretty OK.


So, now I'm pretty much just laughing my ass off, that the doctor was so forceful in trying to take away my beliefs, which is actually essentially illegal ---- especially when my beliefs become scientifically provable.


And then there's how after I tell my new doctor about how I was right all along --- the nurse then says they were actually drugging me for a different reason. They never told me exactly what that reason was ---- but the reason they said they drugged me apparently wasn't the actual reason for the drugging. So that's kind of confusing.  They made me argue about a point, and that point didn't even happen to be their logical reason --- they were essentially dishonest at that point.


The odds of getting a 6 streak in Telepathy 0 are 1:729, or 0.14%. And I was only spending a little bit of the day yesterday playing.

TELEPATHY: PROVEN!! (as far as I'm concerned)


UPDATE Tuesday, May 30th, 2017::::::

Just moments ago I made a screen recording of myself playing my Guess 3 Characters game and posted it to Youtube.

https://youtu.be/icImsVeXBMo

I guarantee you I was only using mental inspiration to get the results.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

I needed a plan

So last week I said I got super-excited about a certain bet on the markets I made. Yes, I did make some money on that bet.

But then I did something stupid. I wanted to make more money. I got greedy.

So stupidly, again, I eventually made the same bet again.

Anyway::: Point is, things did not really go my way so far.

I was all like -- Aaaah! this is not good!

And I had some realization in my mind that God wasn't likely to make the markets do what I wanted them to, he wasn't about to serve my greed -- especially at someone else's expense,

So I told myself I needed a good plan to fix this situation.

And for a while during the day (today) I couldn't think of anything that would really fix my pain.

But just a little while ago, it came to me.

It was like a strategy or plan on how to fix my situation had been directly beamed into my head. I took the idea, did the calculations to see if it would work, and:::

The plan was indeed a good idea, this plan that somehow just magically appeared in my mind.

I was able to protect a good portion of my assets, likely will eventually get back to breaking even, and if things go wrong then that's when things may go really right for me.



Anyway::: The point of this blog post is just to explain that I knew I couldn't make God do things on my own whim at this point, so I told myself I needed a plan to fix my situation, and somehow magically, a plan that I calculated is mostly likely to keep me safe did magically just appear in my mind.


With this plan, I will most likely just break even, but that's OK because I don't need much more than breaking even ---- the real great part about it is that I'm protecting a good portion of what I have left after the past week's disaster for the bears.


So anyway:::: Just saying, maybe I can be seen as just a real smart guy, but again, I am inclined to believe that information can be put in my head. And it's pretty good and reasonable information too.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Strange Emails on stuff

For a long time now, I'd get all these fake emails at my icloud account claiming to be from Google, and most of the time I just ignored them, but on the few I actually clicked on the link --- it would always lead me to this weight loss story on the internet.

Just moments ago, I received an email that claimed to be from an old LDS Family Friend of ours --- in the email "she" says "hi, how are you? I thought you might find this interesting" -- and then there's a link to a "news site" that involves my name in the URL.

So I look at the link.  Again, just the same old weight loss story.

I look at the email for "my old LDS friend" --- it comes from the California Business Properties Association.

Confusing. I didn't think she lived in California, though I am aware that she has traveled a lot.

I think someone else, who doesn't want to be known, is trying to give me a hint that I should lose weight.


Yeah - I weigh a lot.


Here's the good news::: I've only bought two fast food cheeseburgers since March 8th 2017. I've been off the cheeseburger diet.

I've also had to punch a hole in my belt so my pants don't fall off.

I think I am slowly losing weight, now that I no longer have my fast food addiction.


So yeah::: whoever you are who just sent an email claiming to be from an old friend --- yeah, I'm losing weight.

I have suspicions about who sent me this email, but I won't say who. I just realize it's not likely actually from my old LDS friend.

So whatever.


What I suspect is someone else saw her on my friends list on facebook, took her name, attached it to an email, and wants me to lose weight. Not naming who I think it was however.

But, the person likely has some connection with California, as it came from a California business properties address ---- and there's only one person I can think of who I have any great relationship with in California. Right? :)

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Feeling Good

Despite some depression and some poor thoughts I was having last night, yesterday and today I am feeling good --- I feel like a kid again, except even better because my sister isn't around to get my goat.

I was having some negative thoughts on the concept of why I earn no money from my work ----- and today I think I had some clear idea or at least speculation that the government actually doesn't allow me to earn money.

I think they consider my work to be "hobbyist", or hobby work ---- though I may have been deliberately been trying to make a buck, the government didn't understand it that way, so they consider me a hobbyist and therefore money isn't supposed to be a big part of the picture for me. I think that might be what happened.

And I'm supposed to just be happy and positive --- because negativity never really helps anyone.

I've had dreams of becoming rich for a long time, but those dreams are offset by a desire for everyone to be rich.  But because I am disabled, there seem to be limits as to what I myself am capable of.

So, despite some depression and negative thoughts about how I don't get paid, I am quite well now.

Truth is, living at home with my parents there is some hope that I can achieve at least some level of wealth where I can be comfortable and happy.

Not much else to say I think. This blog post does seem kind of pointless, except as an update about how I'm doing.

I guess I'll just write an update if I think of anything else.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Excited and A Strange Email

Just moments ago I received a strange email --- this kind of email I have not seen before.

It looks kind of like a horoscope for today.

It tells me to be social. That's why I'm writing this blog post.

It also says "Be careful, however, not to let your emotions get so tangled up in your head that you can't think straight and make rational decisions."

OMG.

Some internet stranger knows what I'm thinking.  Is it God? Is it a Ghost? Is it my bank or broker?

Here are some reasons it could be God or a Ghost:::

I have been feeling way too overly super excited in the past hour or two. I only told God about those feelings --- not even my parents know.

OK ---- So on the Finnish side of my family, my grandpa used the name "Anderson" as his surname in Canada.

In Edith Finch, the oldest ancestor of Edith Finch we know about is a guy named "Oden".

Basically, the name used to write to me this email was "*O*den Anderson" ----- just to keep some hidden-ness about the ID.

Oden is a Norse God. Was it God writing this email to me? God is who I told about my super-excitement.

Or was it the Ghost of an old Finnish relative, like my Grandpa?

Or --- was it the bank?

You see, this morning I watched a video on youtube, it says we can expect a crash in the stock market coming up ------

and today as I saw the S&P 500 drop more than 1% I decided to, well, make a bet.

All I can say is so far so good. By the end of the day I wasn't thinking clearly and I was all like --- What should I DOOOO???????


And then I went into a hyper-excited mania, having to wait for tomorrow to see what happens.


The bank might've suspected I was thinking irrationally by the end of the day, if they were watching my online proceedings closely enough.


But could it be God? Or some kind of fortune teller who talks to God?


Just interesting that I'd get an email telling me what to do with my emotions --- because my emotions had gone into the EXTREMELY EXCITED territory ---- and such feelings are probably a bit much as I have to wait more than half a day until tomorrow.



Anyway - yeah ---- just an interesting email to receive, as if from a Ghost, God, or a fortune teller ---- and it seemed to detect my excitement even though I'm alone in my bedroom and I haven't told anyone except God about how I feel.


Maybe I should talk to someone else now. This email tells me to talk to be social. Maybe I should visit my sister.



Just interesting how I was feeling "insane" and the email tells me to calm down. So yeah -- weird.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Prayers

Unrelated to the topic of this post, most recent visitors to this website appear to be using Linux --- which is a big shift away from a previously Windows-oriented population. Oh boy.


But what I wanted to talk about was prayer.


I know the atheists give all kinds of very interesting reasons for why they don't believe in God ---- but throughout my life I have had very real experience with communicating with God and receiving answers --- even miracles.


So, in more recent years, I've prayed for various things, and I mostly don't even remember everything I pray for.  There was this one big thing I prayed for which I vaguely mentioned on this website once I think ---- and now i know that I don't even remember what it was! So who knows.


But there's this other thing I prayed for numerous months ago, and I think it's coming true.


And for the past months I'd been telling God that I'd love to have him do something for me --- but I had no ideas about what exactly he should do. Everything seemed to be going fine for me, and though I was aware that I could ask God for whatever I wanted ---- I had nothing on my mind of exact or extreme need or want. I am well taken care of.



But last night, I thought of something to ask God for someone else. I'm going to keep the details secret, so that the right hand doesn't know what the left had is doing ---- but I've got a prayer going on in my heart and mind now. I actually have a demand to make of God - to help someone else.


I know that God can help. He's done it many times before. I know God can make my wish come true --- and I demand that this comes true. And, what I ask for is actually just something to help someone else --- very little to nothing about my prayer would I consider in any way selfish.


I've prayed selfishly before ----- and God even answers those prayers, even affirmatively, so I believe God should just accept that I'm trying to bless someone else's life now. If he'll do things for me, I hope he'll do something for someone else because I asked for it.

and I KNOW that it's totally possible for God to do this. Such is not unheard of.

So, here's hoping all goes well.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Strange Coincidence -- I wonder why

I heard about all those Ransomware attacks out there in the world today --- people's data is being held hostage in exchange for money.

I look at my own life, and I'm going "what the ****?"

I don't use windows. I doubt this ransomware problem will affect me.

But what I wonder is this::: why did my crown magically fall out of my mouth??

I went to the dentist to have it glued back in, but the dentist was saying he couldn't glue it back in due to decay, and that I now have to give him a lot of money in order to get an implant, or else I'll have a gimped mouth and I'll never chew the same way again.

Basically, most people are having their data ransomed for money.

I basically had my mouth chewing capabilities ransomed for a load of money as well.

How did these two apparently unconnected occurrences suddenly happen at about the same time in the year?

What spiritual force would knock my crown out of my mouth and why??



I tried talking to my Dad about it ---- he didn't believe me that the loss of my crown may have had some spirituality involved ----- he summed it up as not enough brushing or flossing.


My rebuttal to that is that running up to the loss of my crown my dental health was very good, and no amount of brushing or flossing was going to keep my crown stuck in my mouth, as the part of my mouth that unstuck the crown was underneath the crown and inaccessible to brushing and flossing.


It's just way too coincidental that I would lose my crown at about the same time all these ransomware attacks would come up.


I remember the day before my crown fell out ----- I could feel or sense a deep spiritual anger, I wasn't angry at anyone, but it was like I was feeling a spirit that was deeply pissed off.


Just weird how my mouth got ransomed at the same time windows' users data was ransomed ---- and I may have sensed or suspected spiritual involvement, regardless of how my Dad doesn't want to blame the paranormal for anything.


Just strange. I got ransomed for my chewing, and then the whole world gets ransomed for their data. So strange.  And I know there was a spiritual problem.


The day before I lost my crown, my Dad was all complaining about how we have to spend $17 to dispose of an old fridge at the dump ---- he wasn't even paying and yet he was complaining ------ did that negativity help cause my problem? If you read The Power by Rhonda Byrne, it may have caused the problem.

Well, there you go, my Dad couldn't accept a simple 17 dollar bill, he had to get all cheap-skatey and whiney about it, so now I'm down an additional $5000, and my Dad doesn't even see how spirituality may be involved here. Good job dad.


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In other news, more strange things:::: There's this iOS game I've been playing for a year or two now, and I've probably spent at least two or three hundred dollars on it over the years -----

I used to have a decent time at this game, I'd spend money, get upgrades, and I was having great fun ------


But more recently it's almost impossible to win.  The difficulty level on the game has increased soo---dramatically.

I used to be pretty good at it, I'd keep the developer fed with my payments, and he'd increase my skill ------ but now I'm just being torn apart by most of the opposition.  Weird.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

From 3 weeks to 2 months

I saw my psychiatrist again today. I had a lot to talk about. But the doctor had something to tell me too.

There's a new medication/injection that they wonder if I'd like to try.

It's basically what I take right now ---- except right now I have to be injected every 3 weeks, while this new version of the same drug happens every 2 months (for me).

I'm not on the new prescription yet, I wanted to talk to my Dad about it.

The biggest concern my Dad brought up was if my provincial health insurance will cover it. The government would have to pay for it before we'd try it.

My concern was that I'd miss out on getting to chat to the doctors and nurses. It's nice to have someone to talk to ---- and I'll be a bit more isolated if I come in less regularly.



BUT ---- the good thing about this injection is that if the government pays for it, it would be less frequent than currently, and as a less frequent med, it would likely be less expensive for me to be using Alberta's psychiatric services, which reduces financial burden on the government, which is something they would very much desire.

Another good thing is that I'd be free to travel or whatever. I could go places, when I recuperate my funds, with a timeline like that.



So, for this, the biggest issue is who will pay for this med. I could take it as long as the province is paying.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Part of God's Plan?

My sister who doesn't live in my city was just over at our house for a little while to pick up my Dad so he could drive her back to her city.

The reason my sister came to town is I think because she went to the bridal shower (or whatever a female stag party is called) of her friend, who is getting married this week.

As my sister was walking through our kitchen, I suddenly realized something::: Me losing my crown, my tooth, at this time in my life, just before this wedding, may have been part of God's plan.

Why do I say this?

Because the dentist who pulled my tooth today is the father of girl getting married, my sister's friend.

Like, I might have just provided some funding or something for their celebration.

Was it all part of God's plan to give this girl as enjoyable a wedding as possible? It definitely seems possible, at very least, a great coincidence.



Unfortunately, when I expressed this thought at my Sister and my Dad ---- they suddenly seemed to start getting offended, saying my tooth problem was just my own fault and trying to discount the idea of God's hand in all this ------ it's weird, they are or were temple attending Mormons and they started getting offended at my idea that me paying the bride's father for an unexpected surgery right before the wedding was God's plan ---- they were offended that I suspected God of being involved in this big expensive monetary transaction!!!


I've been a Mormon, I know all too well that Mormons are all about God's plans for our lives and how he micromanages us ------ so why my Dad and my good-sister were getting offended by my suspicion of this occurring I have no idea.


But it definitely seems possible, I just had my Mom give the bride's father's business several hundred dollars today, and it's only too coincidental that my crown would fall off like just a week before the daughter's wedding.


I suspect the hand of God in this.  Not sure why my Dad and sister seemed to be getting offended though.  And this was my good sister too!!!  Not sure.


If anything, a very big coincidence ---- and my old sunday school teacher (in Mormonism) told us that "coincidence" is a word God invented in order to remain anonymous.


But my own family members --- who both regularly attend or attended the temple --- seemed alarmed or offended by my supposition. So strange.

Oh well.

Got my broken tooth pulled

I just thought I'd say I had my broken tooth extracted this morning. I was a little paranoid that they'd make a mistake --- but the other dentist in the office who didn't do the operation came in and said they did an excellent job when he looked at my mouth, so I feel assured.

The initial estimate for today's visit was about $900CAD, but then after it was done they said it was about $600, and when my Mom phoned in to pay with her credit card (because my funds aren't liquid right now) the price was closer to $800, with the extra $200 being for my initial "emergency" visit where I got the consultation about what to do about my fallen-off crown.

The next visit in three months is estimated to cost between $500 and $600, to continue the process of getting a dental implant to replace the tooth.

At the initial consultation, my dentist said the implant would be about $5000 in total, but when my Dad called his own dentist to get another estimate the price was estimated at about $4600.

So far so good.

My dentist is a friend our family has from the Mormon church who I've known since I was young. He recognized the reasons why I left the church, and I am very impressed that he was not offended --- because other Mormons I've had some contact with take absolute offence that I would say anything critical about the leadership or my experiences. Thankfully, my doctor understood, without offence, the problem.

My Magic 8 Ball told me to not sell both of my major stock holdings when I sold yesterday ---- I only sold most of one major holding instead ---- and that appears it's going to work. I won't even need most of those funds for a long time, especially as the next payment is so small and only after three months.

I guess I can just be glad that my bank thinks I'm special enough to offer me a really-nice high interest rate on my savings.

I guess I am rich. I read about a poll last night that said over half of Canadians are within $200 of not being able to pay their bills, and about 1/3rd polled were already not able to pay their bills.

I guess I shouldn't complain about my lack of sales --- because I even had enough to pay for my dentist even without the sales.  I guess I'm rich.

I basically went from upper-lower class at the beginning of my life to upper-middle OR lower-upper class at this point in my life, it seems.

Although, most of our financial welfare is because my Mom has a good job, and we own our house. I actually personally get paid less than minimum wage. But the bank still sees fit to offer me a special rate on my savings ----- so I guess I'm quite blessed, I am comparatively wealthy.


There's so much that can be said for being a good person, doing your best, and having a positive attitude.  So much that can be said for a society that takes care of the poor, and helps those experiencing serious problems.


I went from "about to kill myself" to doing quite well years later. Wow. Amazing.  Canada is a wonderful country.  Just be a good person and do your best. Great advice.


UPDATE May 11th 2017:::::::::

Today I received a statement of my account at the dentist. It appears my Mom misunderstood something in her phonecall where she paid my bill.

The price for us WAS $600, the extra $200 was paid by insurance.

That's good to know, since I'll have my own funds available soon, and I'll be repaying her.

So the original statement I was told at the dentist's office was correct, my mom just misunderstood something over the phone.

$600 for the other day. NOT $800.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Oblivious to Finances

I was just telling my Mom how great it is that I have the savings capability to pay for my own upcoming dental implant, and my Mom said "You don't have the savings".

It's weird. I know that since I announced to my sisters that I was making $13/month in dividends, my Dad told me to stop announcing this information because it was getting depressing for at least one of my sisters --- and therefore this lack of announcement may have caused my Mom to become oblivious to how much I'm saving -----

But yeah, I went from being twelve-thousand dollars in debt to having a rather positive networth in just 6 years, and my Mom and sisters were completely oblivious to this.

To be honest, I think my one sister was actually surprised to hear that I had been carefully budgeting my resources, because, well, she's ADD and she admitted that she didn't know what budgeting was and hadn't figured it out until years into her marriage. Which is really too bad for her.

But yeah --- My Dad tells me not to announce my growing monthly dividends to my own female family members because it was getting them depressed -----

and now my Mom doesn't even believe me when I tell her I have enough saved up to pay for my own dental procedure. (this lack of belief may have been fueled by the fact that I'm borrowing from her to pay for the first stage in this process ---- my funding wasn't liquid enough to be immediately available).



You notice a big problem in my life???


I can tell the truth all I want, I tell the truth over and over again ---- AND YET PEOPLE JUST DON'T BELIEVE ME.


I seriously try to be as truthful as possible when I communicate, and yet many people don't accept things I say.


How strange is that?



Maybe people have just grown not to trust anything in a society that is probably at least slightly dishonest.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

More Japanese Emails

It's like every day I'm getting these Japanese emails. It's too much work to translate them all, to read them all, because they're very short messages,

and my Japanese interpreter didn't believe in it when he saw the amount of money they were offering me, and you would think that if they were offering me that kind of money that they'd send me an english message and make it longer than just one sentence. And  you'd think they'd use a uniform, precise and clearly identifying email address to talk to me ---- all the email addresses this Japanese person uses look like they've been randomly generated so she can talk to me, but I have difficulty talking to her.

She once sent me a message that assured me I would get paid.


Then she sent something about  a company called "Softbank" ---  a Japanese internet firm that deal with e-commerce.

Anyway, I was getting confused, not sure what to trust.


Why not just send me paypal money?  Even if Paypal has a maximum amount allowed to be sent, even if that number is lower than the total they promised to send me --- I could use that money, because::::


I get paid LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE. I don't even get paid for my actual work. An expensive crown I had placed on my one tooth years ago has fallen off, the tooth has decayed too much ---- and I'm only very lucky and very blessed to have enough savings to pay for a dental implant, because if I spent my limited funds on something else I would have a seriously flawed mouth.


I have some savings, which I was just hoping to collect for the rest of my life, but that means no spending ---- and now I have to spend my savings on an expensive "necessity" just to keep my oral health happy.


If I am owed a lot of money, it would be nice to have that money, because there are things that need to be paid for, and I am only VERY LUCKY to have enough savings to pay for the dental implant I need at this time in my life.  but it also means that I will probably be living with my parents for the rest of their lives. And I'll never learn to drive.



I get paid less than minimum wage. I'm very lucky that I can afford this expensive procedure from my savings.  But it also means that my life is held back in so many ways.


If I am owed money for anything::: It would be nice to get paid.



Like, I can only imagine that it's something about me that this Japanese person (who may have been from Sony, or Disney, or something) wants to buy, like I'm a video game developer --- and I have an interesting life story.


LO AND BEHOLD:::: EDITH FINCH ON PS4.


I am seriously quite capable of relating (at very least loosely relating) the Edith Finch video game to my own life.  Is this a product involved in the deal that Japanese buyer was talking about???  It seems possible, but who really knows.

Why not just send me a paypal payment?  It's so easy to do.



So yeah, basically I'm all confused about how much I can really understand or trust these Japanese emails, if they offer that kind of money you'd think they'd be able to figure out paypal.


And I kind of need money, since I am only extremely lucky to have basically just enough savings available to pay for my own dental health.


Life has become very fun and very cool ------ but money is often needed for things like extra Dental procedures where I live, and to learn to drive, and to buy a house ----- so it would be nice to get paid for whatever value I have given. :) :) :)



Something unfortunate is this:::: MY DAD PRETTY MUCH FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS IN HIS SCHOOLING.

That means, when I relate the Edith Finch video games to my own life, he doesn't think much of it.


My Mom said I make associations that don't mean anything.


It's very sad, because there are so many stories out in the world, and when I find a story that is so well relatable to my own experiences, my parents don't seem to give a hoot. And that might not help my situation very much.

More Positive Thinking

Today my father, my brother, and I were out doing things in town. On the way back home, I told my Dad we should stop back at that corner store ---

I said "OK -- THINK POSITIVE" I said "Visualize a royal flush, hearts, ace, king queen jack ten".


So, we were in the van, visualizing the royal flush, trying to be positive ------

but as we headed to the corner store, my brother said "I thought we were going home" --- my brother wasn't paying attention, this might've been part of the downfall of my plans.


But, with the positive thinking of myself and my Dad together, this is what we managed to achieve::::


I bought a $6 poker lotto ticket, 3 hands.

On one of the hands, I got 2 pair (5's and Aces) winning me $4.

On the other two hands, on both hands I was just two cards away from two different royal straights.



I'm serious.  One hand was two pair, while the other two hands almost achieved ace, king queen jack ten.  Just off by 2 cards on both of them.


When we got home I tried to show my brother my excitement and the lottery ticket, but he started getting a little bit negative at me ------


which means with my brother's completely lack of attention at the positive thinking suggestion, complete lack of awareness that we were going to the corner store to play the game ---- he basically didn't listen to a thing I said, so that might've screwed us up a bit.


But --- with me and my Dad together::: Boom, two pair and just 2 cards off two different royal straights.


of course, we only got one heart on the whole ticket , even though I said we should visualize hearts.

Anyway, I'm trying. I can't help it that my whole family isn't always being all positive all together. We'll get there eventually, I hope.



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In other news, my game ICBM has been ranking at 102 on the O-Rank for the past couple days ---- it's ranked #2 in TWO of its categories in the Cortex Store on Forge.


Problem is, there still has been no new sales report.


So either somehow my sales haven't been reported, or OUYA/Cortex is dying pretty hard.


if my game can rank that highly and not even sell a copy, then something is wrong.


And what I really have to wonder about is this::: Was it really so difficult for all of those thousands of OUYA owners to pay small prices for each game they played?


So much invested on kickstarter, yet nobody wanted to pay for finished products. So weird.


Oh well.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Positive Thinking is Good

Here's my little story from today about positive thinking's benefits:::

Yesterday I could feel it in my heart, like an angry spirit who wants to destroy me. I'm serious. I have nothing to be angry about, yet in my heart I could sense the anger of some spirit who wants to bring me down.

Well, lo and behold I woke up this morning --- and a situation developed. The best fix for this situation is going to be pretty expensive.

The really great news is that I can afford it.

When I told my Dad about the cost he immediately went into cheap-skate mode (he's been a cheapskate for a long time) and he was turning negative about the cost -----

I TOLD HIM TO BE POSITIVE.

Then as we went to get drinks at a corner store, I said "Maybe I'll win $10,000 on the Poker Lotto" ----


So now I've got my Dad in a positive mood, I said something really positive --- as I bought my $6 ticket I was thinking positive thoughts of winning the big prize -----


and BOOM ---- I won two prizes on the instant win.  $6 total, which means I got a free ticket essentially, and I'm good for three entries on the draw tonight.



Positive thinking is a magnificent force ------- I wish my family had discovered such attitudes long ago.


But yay!!! We were being at least mildly positive, and boom ---- two instant win prizes paying the cost of the ticket right up front.


Hopefully we'll keep this up.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Composer

I grew curious today about how many copies of the Edith Finch video game have sold, so I went to VGChartz.com to see if I could find.  VGChartz didn't even list the video game as released, it was still "TBA 2017", so I went to wikipedia.org to verify the release date.

No, I didn't get a special early release, it has been released, it's just that the composer of the game is one "Jeff Russo".

Jeff Russo did soundtrack for the Fargo TV series.  If you look far enough back on this blog, the Fargo TV series was filmed locally near my home.

I still remember that day::: wanting to go out walking for a while, while listening to music, but down one side of the street there were dogs running about un-fenced and un-leashed, while if I headed in the other direction I think the police presence was there to say "you shouldn't walk there while we're shooting [film]."

Yeah. I mean, it was nice to know that there was a new local show in town, but I felt boxed in.

Who knows? Maybe the wireless headphones I was wearing were the problem. Maybe.

So:::: A video game which I find loosely relatable to myself is composed by a guy who made a local TV Show and the creative director's name resembles a family friend's name. OK. Hahahaha.

I hope the game has success, because it is actually beautiful, and it was one of the few uses I had with my PS4 (I tend to go for the cheaper Android TV unit, as well my Dad is often watching the TV my PS4 is connected to).

So, just curious about the sales of this game to, hence the visit to VGChartz.com.

The PS4 is a great system, but the Forge TV is more accessible and affordable for a guy like me who has a pretty low budget, a low budget while at the same time I try to save money for the future. I stopped eating cheeseburgers::: I eat real cheap at-home food now. Seriously. :)

Thursday, April 27, 2017

First! Member of team #Canuck

I woke up this morning, got an email from the World Food Programme at the UN ---- they asked me to join team #Canuck so us Canadians can donate 150,000 meals to hungry children in our 150th anniversary celebration.

I joined the team, and donated the 1 week's worth of food they asked for.

I was supposed to spread the word by using the hashtag #Ask1To Ask1 , so I did using Facebook, although I'm not sure my friends will necessarily be interested.

Yeah, just funny for me that I'd be the FIRST and so far ONLY member of the special Canadian team for ShareTheMeal (app on iphone) from the the UN's World Food Programme.

Either I got lucky, or who knows? Maybe I'm considered to be a problem, so I get segregated from other Canadians? Or maybe not? I don't know.

I try to be a good person. I'd say there are a lot of trouble-making Canadians I've seen through my life, so does it make sense to segregate me from the rest? Or am I the first? Who knows.


Hopefully other Canadians will join the team, because I'm not sure you can rely on me to get us to the 150k of meal donations mark. I have my limits!

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Last night my mind was racing to think about that Edith Finch video game. My brain just couldn't let go thinking of it, until I started thinking about wanting to play with my Apple II again.

So, I guess, the game is only coincidentally connected to my old moniker in title name, and the first part of it seemed like my mom, some parts kind of remind me of myself, and now there was one part that -sort of- reminded me of my one sister.

Maybe I shouldn't think much of it. Maybe it's only a coincidence.

If anything, it's actually a beautifully crafted game.

It's just a coincidence. Although some things do seem to compare a bit. Heh.


UPDATE::::::


I had another look at the email from ShareTheMeal ----- looks like this Canadian Celebration of Giving is supposed to start on June 26th. But the email says I'm also allowed to share this message with my Canadian community.

Sad thing is, I am introverted, without much in the way of friends and all that. But I've done what I think I can.

Fantastical

I've continued on with this game a bit further.


It obviously becomes a big "fantasy" ----- I am only able to draw some loose slight comparisons with myself now.


I wish there was a button I could push to start from the beginning again, because there were just some things about the first parts that I'd have wanted my mom to see.


But yeah, lots of artistic license, becomes fantastical, where I can only draw maybe some loose connections with myself.

But that's OK.  It's a beautiful game. Very creative.


And it does have some sense of reminding me of my Mom's life and stories.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Looks like it's for my Mom

Today I was looking at my Apple Music, and I found a new rock band that involves my "mom's name" in their band name. I added the music because it was decent and I thought I'd show my mom later.


Now, I've played to the first couple of save points in this "Edith Finch" game ---- and I'm going OMG OMG OMG.


The first opening scene of the game was awe inspiring for me, but I won't say here.

I'll just say that the game seems to relate pretty good with my Mom, because I've been a part of my Mom's life well enough to know that this game is likely for her.

And it's a beautiful game too. But, I had to put it down to write about my excitement in this blog post.



The one major thing that I could see in this game that related it personally to myself, besides my mom, is this:::


The girl says she knew someone named "Lewis" (Louis? I can't remember the spelling) when she was young, but he died when she was young.


This relates to me, because I had a friend online I knew as "Lews", and yes, he died while I was still pretty young.


So, there does appear to be a reference to me in that way, a friend who died when I was young, but mostly I can see my Mom in this game. I have to show it to her.


A number of things can cause me to relate this game to my Mom, but I will not explain here.



Also:::: In the extra areas of the profile for the game, I noticed a bunch of Japanese writing. A clue?? :)


ANOTHER CLUE MAYBE???? UPDATE::::

Remember how my ex-Stake President's name in the LDS church was "Stephen Miller", and how that kind of compares with "Stephanie Meyer", the writer of the Twilight books?

The Creative Director of Edith Finch is one "Ian Dallas" ----- a name easily comparable to someone I know "Ian Davis".

Ian Davis has been an acquaintance of our family for a long time, and is a close friend of my brother-in-law.

Just a coincidence? Kind of like the Stake President's name comparing with the famous author?

So weird.



PARANOIA::::::

Part of my brain is trying to tell me not to think much about this game, that it's "just another videogame", pretty much accusing my personality of being paranoid.

I don't really know what's going on, so why should I think this has anything to do with me?

Except, my memory from earlier ---- my curiosity and interest were immediately piqued when I saw the name "Finch" in teh game title ---- the trailer reminded me of some themes of my past work, and then, when I actually played the game ------- I'm not going to spoil anything about the game from the short amount of it that I've played already, but when I was playing in my mind I was able to easily draw comparisons between some ideas in the game and my Mom.


Of course, it's not a perfect or even exact copy of my Mom, they've used lots of artistic license, but a number of elements of what I already saw are right there in my Mom's life.


I shouldn't be paranoid, like part of my brain is accusing me of being paranoid ----- but another part of me can't help but draw comparisons.


If anything, the game has very pretty graphics.

Maybe I'm just tired -- there might not be an actual good reason why I'm posting this additional, other than I've started to fear my own paranoia on this game. I can already see it in my head "it's just a video game, stop being so paranoid" ---- but it compares so well with things I already know in my own life. Oye.

"What Remains of Edith Finch"

OMG OMG OMG.


Remember how a Japanese person wanted to buy me for lots of money?


Well, on Sony Playstation 4 today, a NEW VIDEO GAME HAS BEEN RELEASED!!!!

"What Remains of Edith Finch"

Story of death and a cursed family or something --- I still haven't played the game yet, I'm downloading it (I just bought it).


OMG OMG OMG.


I don't know if I'll ever see money from this Japanese person, because 1) My bank account doesn't have a SWIFT code, 2) The Japanese was diffcult to completely understand and my interpreter didn't believe the message and 3) She mentioned a big sum of money, but when I suddenly expressed interest in the deal it was questionable if money was still involved.


I only suddenly expressed interest in the deal when I saw the release of the "Moana" trailer from Disney ------ as I first got the Japanese messages I suspected Disney may have been involved, but when I saw a tropical island movie with evil coconuts on Youtube, I realized I might need to pay attention.


So:::: What's going on?? I Have no idea.



I edited The Book of Finch over and over and over again, and now there's a game about "Edith Finch". Yay!!!!

It's just exciting and makes me feel good.


Don't know how to deal about the money right now ---- In a past more recent message she said there would be money headed in my direction, so I don't know. Remember::: My interpreter didn't even believe it.


So, who knows what I'm supposed to think, all I know is I was being bought by a Japanese person, lots of money, and now this game is released, and it appears to have some essence of my work/life in it, just from the preview trailer I saw.




So:::: Family curse, yes, I would pretty much sort of have to agree that my family is cursed::: with mental illness.  I don't know what the curse is in the game yet, but my username on PSN involves the name "Finch", and now there's a Finch game, and yeah, I feel pleased as punch.




But in all seriousness, I can't be bothered to read every single Japanese email I receive. There's too many of them. And it's a process to translate them.



I'm just feeling excited now.



Is this game what that Japaense email was about? I'm not sure, but I can see comparisons between the game and my already printed material, so I guess I'll just have to play the game.



We'll see if I even have attention span for games like this anymore. I hope so. I never finished Red Dead Redemption, Max Payne 3 or The Bard's Tale (yet), so yeah, my attention span is a concern when going into this adventure. Oh well.


Yay! I feel special!!! At least I'm Finch and the game Is Finch too, so yeah.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Becoming Unmotivated

This is a blog post about how I don't feel the drive to continue in my business, besides writing this free blog posts and maybe a few youtube videos that people won't bother to watch.

Like, when I was a student ---- I was a REALLY good student. I did what I was supposed to, and I ranked very highly among my classmates.

But that didn't continue --- why?

My explanation for my downfall was just the mistreatment I received from those around me.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but I could create quite a list of things that people were doing to me or had done to me that wrecked my brain as I was schooling.

People just didn't treat me very well ---- and as such I eventually completely dropped out of school.

I love the Razer Forge TV. I have a PS4, and I have some high quality games on my PS4 ---- but I am far more likely to play something cheap, which is just as fun for me, on my Forge TV. Heck, this morning I even took my old Apple II off the shelf, plugged it into an old black and white tv I have, and played "Nerm the Worm" ---- that was actually pretty fun for me, and it didn't have to be the big expensive game system with the heavy graphics.

Anyway, I also had lots of fun developing games for OUYA and Cortex.  Problem was ---- I still haven't received even my first paycheck from Cortex/OUYA. I sold some games, but not enough to get paid.

And the lack of money received has, over time, demotivated me, so I don't feel so likely to work again. On anything.

Heck, I've even written most of another book --- and this other book has some pretty interesting things in it too ----- but the fact that people just don't pay me for my work has actually caused me to slack off on this project, and I've basically decided that I'm not even going to publish --- simply because people just wouldn't pay me the smallest price for anything I did.

Amazon recently sent me an email asking me to advertise on their marketing services --- that sounds interesting, but I'm more inclined just to save my money --------- I've already done so much to advertise and all that ------ and people just won't pay me.

So, the lack of money I receive from my work is kind of depressing, and I am no longer motivated to build projects.

I can't say I know for certain exactly why I'm not getting paid ---- but the simple fact that I'm not getting paid is slowing down my pace of work quite a bit.  If there's no reward, then why should I try to entertain or inform?

I know part of the problem is just that people bought NVidia Shields instead of Forge TVs ----- but another big part of the problem is that people couldn't be bothered to actually pay me for a legitimate copy of my book ---- people ripped me off.

So yeah, I'm just not interested in working in an environment where people aren't rewarding me for my effort ---- kind of like how people just treated me like shit even though I was one of the best students - I just won't continue.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

An Unexpected Phonecall

Information travels doesn't it?

A little while ago I got an unexpected phonecall. I didn't recognize the phone number so I screened it.

I looked up the phone number online and found that it's an equipment or construction company from Balzac Alberta, which is very unusual.

My first thought was that it was likely a wrong number. This probably was the answer.

But then I also realize that I own a few shares of a REIT that is involved in industry.

Could I have received this phonecall because of my minute say in a potentially industry related company?

After receiving a phonecall from a company related to my brokerage months ago, I got a phonecall from an unidentified financial institution ---- could this have been because of the Canadian Financial ETF I owned a bunch of shares of at that time?

I'm still pretty poor --- although I am technically "rich" compared to so many other people ------

but I didn't think that my share of these companies would make me a big enough player that people would phone me about it.

Although, there was once a time years ago when I owned quite a number of shares of Cineplex (which I eventually sold to pay off debt) and I think I used my influence with those shares on Cineplex to release religious movies in theatres at that time, which was interesting.

With Cineplex, I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but they seemed to go with religious themed movies for a while, perhaps inspired by something I said. So yeah. who knows.

So, I don't know what this phone call was about, probably a wrong number::: just going to say that I'm not a big player in any company I own, so I don't see why anyone would phone me about whatever role they might think I play.


IN OTHER NEWS:::::

I checked my email today ---- Facebook is telling me there's quite a bit of activity on my The Book of Finch facebook page.

Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

The story of my life had some big exciting parts in it ---- but that story is "crap-tastic" enough that I'd be afraid if it came to haunt me at this point in my life, a point in my life where I now feel good about living, happy, and am enjoying myself.

Of course, with all this interest in my book, you'd think I'd have seen many sales for my books.

So--- where are the sales?

There are options about what's going on here::: Like people refuse to pay, and just use the free version. Or maybe my life is viewed as so craptastic that I'm not allowed to profit from my life so they donate it charity. Or maybe it goes into a secret and hidden Registered Disability Savings Plan for me. Who knows.

Part of the joy of doing the work I've done would have been to see the sales reports ---- but I don't get to have that, for whatever reason. Something strange --- Facebook says there's a lot of activity, but I don't see activity in my portals.

Who knows.

But other news in regards to literature::::

I've been reading this book since I went camping last year ----- in my more recent reading, later in the book, Max Payne is mentioned alongside with Batman and Superman. Hmmmm. And a boy gets help from a Demon to write a piece of music. Kind of reminding me about how I wrote my own music for Pfhonge, though I am untrained in music.  Hmmmm.  And the story is about psychiatry and all that --- and the last name of the front cover book reviewer has a similar surname to my MLA's surname. So who knows. Picked up the book for cheap from a dollar store. Yeah, really, who knows.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Is it just my eyes???

Almost whenever I write an email or a blog post ---- I am always usually pretty sure I have the message properly typed out, even with proof-reading.

But then, when I send or post the message, invariably the computer almost always seems to change or delete one of my characters in one of my words in what I just wrote and sent or posted.

It's so annoying!!! I am usually pretty sure about the quality of my writing, but it's like the computer inserts typos!!!

Happens a lot when I program too!! I feel like the most absent minded guy.



Well, today I was doing an online course for learning the Swift programming language, and I think I might've seen a clue into the problem:::


The playground the teacher was showing had a simple statement:

if (x < y)

That's all well and good, but as I looked at the "<" in the statement, my eyes appear to have some kind of problem where the < can appear to look like a >.

It's the weirdest thing how less than became greater than, and I could see it switch between the two as I concentrated on the character.

Either the screen of the computer was changing the character,

or at this point I'm now thinking it's likely that I've got a problem with the lenses in my eyes or whatever, and somehow the < gets reversed to >.

Weird.

I was actually noticeably physically watching the character go backwards.  Very weird.

Hopefully it's just optical and not dyslexia.

The Law of Attraction since my childhood

The truth is, my brother and I were actually very smart guys.

What went wrong? Why the mental illness?

My theory is that our "evil" sister had a way of just treating us like we were mentally ill, she would treat us like we were mentally ill, and would deliberately try to drive me (us?) crazy.

My brother and I were actually quite intelligent:::: if The Law of Attraction is true though, then it's obvious why we went insane:::: we had an evil sister who was TRYING to drive us insane.

My brother is actually quite intelligent, when his brain is working.

And yes, I think Karma did come around and did some justice to that sister ---- and though it feels like justice for me, it's so sad for her. Not going into detail though.

At least she grew up to be a nicer, better person, I think.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Adversity

Since my latest posts where I would be wrong no matter what side I chose, two interesting situations developed.


OK ---- Remember how if I turned against the Mormon church that I would be considered abusive to women?


It almost seems like someone out there in internet-land realized what the beliefs of the Mormon church were and said a prayer to curse the females in my family ----


I didn't have to lift a finger to hurt them, in fact, I show them the obvious morale support,


but yeah, since those two most recent blog posts adverse situations have come out of pretty much or almost nowhere and two out of three of my immediate family females are facing problems. And the third female faces automatic issues every day for the past however long.


For privacy's sake, I'm not going into detail::::


But every single female in my immediate family is facing difficult issues now. One had already longstanding issues, while the other two issues just popped up in just the past day or two.


I wish I could tell them how I understand and how to fix the spirituality of this situation --- but I'm not allowed to. And they probably wouldn't believe me anyway ---- my talk about The Law of Attraction (AKA The Secret) often falls on deaf ears.


So::::: It's like some magical force decided to turn against my family's women, and I didn't have to do anything.



The most major personal issue I've had to deal with  over the years was mental illness ---- but I've had plenty of help and support for that, and it's obvious why I would be having issues with that.



While other members of my family seem to have it so much worse than I have had.




I wish my family would start being smarter, but often Mormons don't know everything about their belief systems, and even if they find something un-wanted in their beliefs they just ignore it or put it on "the shelf".



Mormons often don't realize the full system of beliefs in their religion for quite some time, if at all.



So::::: if I was anti-Mormon I would be "abusing" the women in my family, but natural forces of "science or magic" are enough to turn against my women by themselves, and now I get to show my women morale support so I don't seem like the "bad" guy. Huh.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Feeling Insecure/Uneasy

Seeing as how yesterday's post stated I would be wrong no matter what side I chose, I think I am well justified in feeling quite insecure and uneasy today.

I just have a sensation in my feelings like something or anything could go wrong at this point.


The truth is, I've been living in a state of flip-flop neutrality for quite a while now, and things are going "smoothly".



Sometimes I think nicely about the Mormons, but other times I realize how wrong it is.


There are good things and bad things about Mormonism.  In the end I can not really support them, because of how "Mormonic" it is (I think Joseph Smith chose that word intentionally),


but I also just don't talk to it about my Mom, usually.  Nothing I can do will change her mind.



Either Joseph Smith intentionally created his religion that way (Mormonic) or it just turned out that way because the creator wasn't thinking straight.



Either way, in the end, the religion just doesn't work, for me at least.


There are too many human fallibility variables involved.



it's a church where your eternal standing and outcome actually depends on the actions of someone else, not your own actions.


So yeah.



Just saying, I was feeling or am feeling insecure and uneasy, like something could go wrong.



But we manage to go our way without thinking about the church verbally in our home, because we already, more or less, know each other's positions, and we just don't discuss it.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Youtube replies?

So, in my second to last post I talked about economic equalization and how my mom and church do not believe in becoming super-wealthy.

In my last post I take a hint from the Plan Canada Charity that maybe my sales were donated to charity.


Well, Youtube, keeping up with their habit of talking about things I might be interested in, however they do this, put a video in my feed entitled "Who gets the royalties to Hitler's book?"

After Hitler died, in the most basic way to put it, good causes and charities got the royalties to Hitler's book.



And, undeniably, the contents of my first book are likely considered disturbing enough that it's not impossible that people would not want me to benefit from my own work.


My life is just a tortured painful mess isn't it?  It's hell growing up, it's hell trying to figure out the truth, and when I publish the truth, it's more hell where I can't get paid.



As I told the psychiatric nurse earlier:::: it doesn't matter what side I choose, I'm going to be wrong.


What do I mean by this???


I grew up as a Mormon. I was brainwashed by Mormonism. I read the book of mormon. I found out that God wants to the Jews to be scourged.  If I am pro-mormon, that means I am anti-Jewish, and people will dislike me heavily for this.


BUT ---- If I reasonably look at Mormonism and realize it's a load of quackery nonsense and baloney, then what?

Well, first off, if I try to make my family see the truth about their church and try to impress their minds to change, then I am being abusive to the women of my family.



You see, pro-Mormon, I am wrong for anti-Judaism.

As an anti-Mormon, I am wrong for "abusing women."


It doesn't matter what side I choose, I am going to be wrong. Hence, they decide to not let me make money from my publications maybe?


Anyway, to be clear::: The men in my family have enough brains to figure out the church was baloney.


Women, I hear from men's groups, are a bit slower than men.  The women in my family can't even be told about the problems with the church they hold so dear, or else I would be abusing them.



I could talk about this concept from another historical perspective as well:::::


But the point remains:::: Pro-Mormon or Anti-Mormon, it doesn't matter what side I choose I am going to be wrong.


The best choice, obviously, is to be neutral.  The problem is that when I grew up in Mormonism they taught that fence-sitting wasn't allowed ---- Your only choice is to be neutral, but the Mormons themselves say you have to pick a side, that there is no fence-sitting.


So really, I can't win, and if whatever evil I do may be a reason why I can't get paid ---- then I was doomed to no-royalties ever since my life began because:::::



My life was one big shit-mess right from the start.



I was given really-really shitty circumstances, and having lived through those circumstances, and now having written the book about it, I am further "shit-ified" by not being allowed to get paid for the story, or even for any of my work.



Seriously? I don't want to get into a huge discussion about my life growing up here, but it suffices me to say that I was handed a lemon in life.


And I've tried to make lemonade with that lemon, but my lemonade stand apparently isn't allowed to make a profit. So whatever.



So really, my life's wish of becoming wealthy is washed away simply because of all this bullcrap I've had to deal with since the beginning.



It doesn't matter what side I choose in the Mormon debate --- I am going to be wrong no matter what. And I was taught that neutrality wasn't even an option, even though it seems like the only reasonable choice at that point.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

How I Changed the World?

I just received an email from Plan Canada --- they're telling me about how much I've changed the world.


The thing about emails like this that confuses me is that they say I did all this, they don't mention it as a job of all Canadians or a job of all Plan donations -------

the exact quote from this message is "Can you guess how much your gifts of hope have changed lives?"

The only other mention for being involved here is "*Some of these projects received financial support through the Government of Canada" (I assume through price matching).

Basically, explicitly, all this message says I that me, with the help of the Government of Canada ---- gave tonnes of help to impoverished people throughout the world.

The amount of help given ----- I could only imagine this would be true if it was the Government of Canada or if other Canadians were also in on this ---- but they leave other canadians out of the message, as if I myself personally was responsible for all this charity.

I remember a message from Plan from a number of years ago --- I will look it up ......

I was looking at older emails that are similar, but am not getting all the info because the images and videos and pages in these messages no longer exist.


Anyway ----- Plan has a way of telling me that I, myself, did all kinds of things, and I just sit here being confused.


The only way I could have done all those things through my own donations was if I made tonnes and tonnes of money from sales, and those sales were donated to charity.

Helping people is good.

So yeah, I'm confused ----- is it really just me doing all these charitable donations, or is it all of canada together as a whole?


Now --- if it is all of canada together as a whole ---- then if they can afford all those donations, then surely they could afford my cheap products right? But I don't see sales?


So maybe I do sell a tonne, and maybe it gets donated to charity, hence why Plan Canada specifically/explicitly states that I'm providing all this help without mentioning anyone else except for the Government matching my donations.


Either it's just me and the government, or it's all of Canada.


If it's just me ---- then that surely explains where all my sales went.


But I don't really know.


And yeah ---- it's A LOT of charity.


Helping people is good.


If all of canada could afford this charity, then surely they could afford to buy my products. So who knows. (somehow just not seeing any or many sales)

Monday, April 10, 2017

On Economic Equalization

One of the good-er beliefs that LDS Mormonism raised me with was a belief, essentially, in economic equality.

Ezra Taft Benson was adamant that Mormonism is opposed to Socialism, but truly, at the heart of Mormonism, is a belief in making sure everyone is provided for - to live in a society where there is no rich and no poor.

Truly, with all the work I have done, there was potential for me to make a huge bucket of money.

But, conversely, my Mom would not have approved.

I grew up in a religion that taught me to work for free, essentially.

My Mom has historically expressed her thoughts about how she would dislike being seriously-super-wealthy.

I believe it is good to help the poor, because I myself was once very poor and I needed help to get out of that situation.

On a personal level, I am still pretty poor, I'm still below-equal compared to a local minimum-wage earner--------

but on a family level, all of my immediate family working together and I am a lot wealthier that way --- just my living with my family I am "equalized" into a better economic state.

so::: Being with your family is good, and helping the poor is good.




When I was about 13 or 14 years old, I asked GOD for a million dollars.  He's almost managed to give it to me on at least two occasions now. :)



Profit-motive can be good, so pure economic equality seems unfeasible ------ but having a system where everyone is provided for is also important.



I would like to note that my speculative mind is very creative in thinking of possible explanations for why it's so hard to get paid for my games and books --- so I'm not complaining much --- as many explanations are pretty valid. I don't actually fully KNOW what's going on, I just speculate there could be a good reason for it.




So, I live comfortably with my parents. I haven't "achieved" my goal of a million dollars, but I've come close at least twice ------ maybe my Mom just doesn't want me to be super-rich.


I suppose living at home with my parents is a good situation -- as long as we are properly medicated.


Not much more to say.


I just hope to live in a world where everyone has at least the basics (and maybe more). Profit motive gets things done however.


Ah just saying my mom didn't want to be super-rich and I'm trying not to complain about lack of reported sales. I just hope it's for a good reason.

I hope it's not wrong for me to discuss this

A few days ago, I watched an episode of a documentary on Netflix, I think it was called "Nazis on Drugs".


This documentary basically revealed that Nazis were able to quickly take over Europe, and they claimed their super-human ability, because they were all high on Crystal Meth.

Crystal Meth is apparently a very strong stimulant that can keep you going for days without sleep.

The Nazis were able to take over France because their army didn't need to rest --- they just kept going and going, very quickly.

And they got the ability to go for days without rest because they were on Crystal Meth (called Pervitin by their pharmaceuticals back then).



NOW:::: I WILL compare Nazism to Mormonism, or maybe, contrast, or maybe, we'll just get confused.


Mormons have their word of wisdom.  It says if you follow as prescribed, "You shall walk and not be weary, run and not faint".


Mormons, in their word of wisdom, as they interpret it, do not drink Coffee, and for a long time it was widely believed that the MILD stimulant caffeine was also banned.

And, of course, I'm sure any mormon will tell you that Crystal Meth is a "DEFINITELY NOT"!!!


But that's the thing though, because the Nazis went running for days on end without sleep BECAUSE of the drugs they were on,

While Mormons expect you to do basically the same thing WITHOUT even Caffeine.


I went a long time in my life without much or any caffeine --- and I know the drive to fall asleep is strong.



Basically, Joseph Smith claimed you will get the effects of an EXTREME stimulant without doing any drugs at all,


While actual science and history tells us you are going to fall asleep without your Crystal Meth.


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I have basically understood that Joseph Smith wants everyone to be on Crystal Meth, while at the same time claiming to be drug-free.


Because if you were really drug free, you wouldn't actually run and not be weary and all that ----


A mormon would fall over from too much running easy,


while a nazi could run for days on his crystal meth.



Yeah, something about the claims of Joseph Smith aren't making sense again.


Or was this Documentary just anti-nazi propaganda? I dunno. Why would the documentary lie?


Joseph Smith WOULD LIE.

Why would a documentary make stuff up?



So yeah, basically actual history and science again refute the claims of Joseph Smith and the Mormon Church.  Obviously someone is not telling the truth.



And I just hope it's going to be OK for me to discuss Nazi's on Drugs on this website, because I'm comparing it to Mormonism, and the information is based on a Netflix Documentary.