Wednesday, December 27, 2017

My Final Cortex Store Update is Published

The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness (v1.6.0) is now published and available in the Cortex Store on Forge TV.

Cortex informed me a little while ago that there will be no new games or updates in the new year --- the store is being "sunsetted".

It was a lot of fun to be a Cortex/OUYA developer, and it was great to be a low-cost gamer.

If I didn't make a tonne of money on the system, at least I saved a tonne of money by playing games on that system. Yay.

In my submission of this update, I asked about finally getting paid my first cheque which would be worth over $100.

Their short response in their approval basically said they'll send me a cheque when I reach the $150 threshold.

SO: Maybe I won't make my money after all. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

How the Party Went

In my last post before Christmas, I said "want nothing" as a way of having everything.

When I was asked by my parents what I wanted for Christmas before Christmas, I said I needed a sweater to get me through the cold winter, and an Apple Store Gift Card to replace the battery in my iPhone.

That's all I asked for.

And then I later wrote a post that said, "want nothing".

Last year, in 2016, the best gift I remember receiving was a Java Jig and some Coffee ---- but I had to buy the Keurig myself with my Christmas money. To be honest: last year wasn't the greatest.

This year, 2017, was really good, however.

I got a sweater and two long sleeve shirts.

I got cash instead of a gift card.

I got a new fridge.

I got whole bean coffee with a new grinder.

I got lots of treats.


Anyway:::: I don't know if this was just magical, a coincidence, or what, but last year's Christmas' most memorable gift was actually pretty cheap and I had to buy the Keurig that goes with it myself:::

While this year was AWESOME.

All after I said, "Want Nothing".

Maybe I shouldn't be drawing a comparison between wanting nothing and getting all this great stuff --- but this year was way, way better than last year.


The Christmas Eve party was awesome and is also where I handed out a number of quite awesome gifts. This year was also a really good year for me gift-giving. Everyone enjoyed what I had to hand out.


Christmas was more subdued, as a lot of energy had already been spent. Then, I made a mistake and something I said came out the wrong way, so it seemed like a not-nice thing I had said.

I quickly apologized, especially as I didn't quite manage to explain exactly what I was trying to say.

My Mom wasn't happy with me about that, and she wanted me to apologize again, but I think my apology at the time was good enough --- especially as what I meant to say wasn't actually a bad thing.


It's also questionable how bad what I said really was, it just must've sounded kind of wrong.


So, I guess I'll just say "Sorry" to my carpenter brother-in-law right here: Sorry for that slip of the tongue! I actually meant to say something with different meaning, although similarly related.



So yeah, there you go::: I gave awesome gifts this year, I got awesome gifts, and we wanted for nothing.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Want Nothing

So, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Santa is coming. Time for gifts to be given and received.

There is a seeming cosmic reality I want to point out with examples from my own life:

You get what you don't want, you don't get what you want.

Why do I say this?

What did I really, really want for Christmas or birthdays as a kid? I want an iMac, I want a Power Mac, I want a Nintendo.

Did I ever get those things? Nope.

I never managed to get a game console in my home until my brother asked me if I wanted one: at that time I said "no" and then boom: new Xbox.

As a kid, I would say I wanted to be rich, but not famous.

So what happened?

I was very poor for a very long time. And as I grew up fame was thrust upon me like you wouldn't know. Without wanting it, it happened very easy, while if it's something I actually did want, it wouldn't happen, or took a very, very long time to happen.

In 2004 I wanted my friendship with Avril Lavigne to be recognized. Didn't happen, and only minutely happened after a long time.

I didn't want drugs, and I wasn't interested in money much at that time --- but what they gave me were an endless supply of medication and an assured income.

These days, I've wanted a genuine sales report with lots of reported sales.

Not happening.

I didn't want women. I gave up on women.

But I get all these emails that supposedly come from interested women. I didn't want them, but they've flocked into my email box.

I wanted sales --- but I don't get to see them.

The point is::: You get what you don't want, while you don't really get what you do want.

You might instantaneously start getting things in droves that you never wanted, while the things you did want are in very short supply.

I think the spiritual significance of this phenomenon I once heard was that to want something is just a statement of what you do not have. You say you want it, which means you don't have it, and then you don't get it.

I think the answer this year, and maybe for all our lives, is to want nothing. If you want nothing, then you have everything.

Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 22, 2017

Nurse Says About 200 Car Accidents

I just deleted the 5 latest posts on this blog.

They were on a timeline where I was having a likely delusion where I thought I had met Jesus Christ.


Here's what happened as far as I can tell now:::


My Mom, who works as a nurse at a hospital, said they must've gotten at least 200 car accidents so far.

Most of those car accidents, obviously, are not reported as individual stories in the news.


I thought I had just met Jesus because there was no news story of this man's accident.


But chances are he just had a really big, really bad accident. And is comparable to Jesus because of how bad the situation is.


So yesterday, I bought lunch for a man who got really messed up in a car accident from a few days ago, he was really messed up and obviously still shaken by what happened.

He lost 3 family members.


I didn't know what to do except buy lunch for him because that's what he needed at that time.

So, this has been a very tragic holiday season for at least one family.


Before meeting this man, I had taken an antipsychotic pill to deal with potential delusions of grandeur I may have been having.


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In my news-research of recent car crash stories online, looking to see if I could find a story about the man I met, I came across a news story from August.


In the August car accident news story ---- well,


the story basically said that Blaine Bananatree and I died while I was on vacation this year in a car crash. $108k was raised to help the family.


I know that seems really disrespectful to put my name in place of the person who "actually died"--- except:::


The names of the people who died were, in fact, "Blen" and "Christian".


They died near Hanna in August.

Guess what? I was vacationing near Hanna in August too.


So::: there's more to it than just that, it's enough to say there's enough comparability between this news story and my own life to make me think that I was just killed off in the newspapers.


The coincidences are too strong.  Chances of that story actually being "fake news" are quite high as far as I'm concerned because if the story had been 100% truthful, it would likely clearly be about me.



I've seen this happen before too ---- I once saw a news story that so closely resembled my father that I could only think it was news about my Dad without directly naming him.


There's a chance they write fake news about real people and real things, but they change elements of the story.

It's happened to my Dad, and it's now noted to have happened to me too.


Here's the thing:::: In my Dad's news story --- he made a tonne of money with a successful business.

In my news story:::: my Dad made a tonne of money from GoFundMe donations.


Though the two news stories were about two different things, they both related to my family, and they both said my Dad made a tonne of money.


Considering how my Dad was in line to get my payments from Razer --- well there you go.


So, maybe I will be rich some day. I can hope.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Submitted FINAL version of ICBM for review

I wasn't going to make this update, as there was a workaround for the one bug I found ---- but then I found that offline DRM didn't work --- So I HAD to fix it.


So, I've fixed the save game bug, and I've fixed offline DRM.


And when the update is posted, that will be the end. I think.


If you have any serious urgent comments suggestions or bug reports, send them to me at krisa@icloud.com or post in this blog, because Cortex store will no longer allow updates in the new year.


So, ICBM will most likely be fixed before the store closes, and then it's done.


Have a good life, everyone!

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Now this is strange

Yesterday my family and my sister's family went out and retrieved our Christmas Trees from the forest.

I also just made my final payment to the dentist for my implant.

And I found a nice big sack to carry gifts in for Christmas so I can be a bit more like Santa Claus. (I bought the sack at a store).



At midnight, I didn't feel like sleeping anymore, so I played with my PS4.  I have recently bought a new video game.  One thing I note:::: it definitely seems like, somehow, cheating is a problem in multiplayer games. There's this one guy I, in the video game, shot repeatedly with heavy weapons at close-range in the head, and he never went down. Cheaters maybe? It's really too bad.


Anyway ----- I went back to bed. I still couldn't sleep. So I came back to the living room and kitchen for a snack.


But something is strange.


My Mom's footstool is out of place. When I was playing the video game, the footstool was in a different location:::: and there's no reason it should have moved.


A chair in the kitchen is overturned and laying on the floor, but not broken. No reason that chair should be that way.


And, next to my dining table chair, I found a piece of bread sitting on the floor, with the crusts cut off in the shape of a circle --- like a bread cookie.



This makes no sense at all. It definitely seems fantastical what I'm saying, but it's the absolute truth --- between midnight video games and an early morning snack, something strange has happened.


The only other person who was up was my brother. He is mentally ill, but he's getting better ---- so I see no reason why he should have or would have done these things.


The video game acted weird, I go back to bed, back up again, and things are out of place in the house.


It really makes a guy think of Santa Claus visiting when you see stuff like this going on.


But the only non-magical explanation is that it was my brother being crazy, which doesn't even seem likely because he's been doing a lot better.

Is my brother pulling a prank?


This really doesn't make any sense. Who did this? Why?

My mind is boggled right now.



And I know it seems like a very far-fetched story, but this is absolutely true.


The clues just don't add up.


OK --- they do add up ----- but only to say that Santa came for a pre-Christmas visit, which doesn't make sense.



The footstool should never have moved. My brother wouldn't likely have moved it.


That chair has no reason to be overturned.


And I am absolutely clueless about why there was a piece of bread on the floor with the crusts cut off.


Makes absolutely zero sense.



But, anyway,


Have a Merry Christmas Everyone.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

I Understand calculus derivatives!

When I was in Grade 12 Calculus class, my mind was a wreck --- I was emotionally ruined and I could not bring my mind to concentrate.

Pretty much the same thing in University Calculus. I couldn't bring myself to concentrate on the subject matter very well.

It would often be a situation where, basically, my mind would either go completely blank (unthinking) or would have some stupid garbage running incessantly through my mind (uncontrollably thinking about the wrong thing).



15 years later.



I watched a video about 5th graders learning basic calculus concepts on Youtube ---- then today I got more curious on the subject and bought an ebook to learn calculus.

I read the introduction and the first couple chapters.


I did some practice questions with myself, to see if I could understand and demonstrate the concepts (using my graphing calculator as help).


At first, I was making some kind of mistake. I was doing something wrong --- my mind had mixed up some of the information.


Then I looked at the book again.


I did my practice questions again.


I got it.  I've nailed it.


I now know what a derivative is and how to arrive at a correct answer.


And then my Dad told me this handy little math trick which is basically an easy algorithm to calculate a derivative quickly. And it worked.


OMG.


I am, apparently, more mentally developed now than I was as a grade 11/12 student.


In grade 11 I got 98% in chem 20 final exam but didn't know anything about calculus.

In grade 12 my brain started failing and I wasn't learning calculus or chemistry very well.


But I've gotten, now, all these years later, back to a point of being able to learn what I should've known back then.


Wow. I am so happy. My brain used to be pretty messed up ----- but I AM recovering --- I now know how to do something I couldn't wrap my mind around when I was young. And it's so easy too ----which means I was REALLY messed up.


I did some research about what schizophrenia is online, and psychologists are absolutely correct:::: when someone experiences too much abuse they are more likely to become schizophrenic.


That's what I sum it up as in my own life:::::: I look back at my memories, and people were generally just treating me so badly that I wasn't capable of being happy anymore, and I was "jumping off the deep-end to drown in a pool of despair". That's the best way I can put it.



And, I'll just note I was thinking about the root cause of where the abuse came from::::


Two main discoveries::::


If the people of the Mormon church HAD ACTUALLY FORGIVEN ME LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO ------ then the abuse levels would have been heavily reduced and I'd be better off.


BUT:::: if for some reason forgiveness for myself was unnecessary::::

THEN THE BISHOP SHOULD NOT BE TELLING ME TO FORGIVE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.




If I have to forgive everything, then everyone has to forgive me.


It was a situation where, as instructed, I would forgive everyone and yet still be constantly treated like shit.


If people didn't have to forgive me ------ then the Bishop SHOULD NOT have been requiring me to forgive everything-----


Conversely, if I didn't have to forgive everything, and I was allowed to punish things, then by punishing someone who was consistently and insistently wronging me, I could have caused that behavior to cease, and my mind would be more at ease.


The basic problem was::::

The Mormons did not follow their own doctrine

and

They were not clear on what their actual doctrine was anyway.



If the Mormon church had been making more sense back then, I would have felt less abused, and I might've managed to stay in school until graduation.




My schizophrenia really was, essentially, just driven by a culture of, essentially, very bad behaviors in my Mormon community.





But the really good news is I now understand derivatives better, and I know or have some idea how to calculate them.


I am so happy to finally grasp some calculus.

Friday, December 15, 2017

"Sunsetting" the Cortex Store

In recent posts, I made mention of this idea I was feeling that I was finally going to be paid --- perhaps sooner than later.

I was probably right::: just moments ago I received an email from Razer telling me that there will be no new game submissions permitted in 2018, as the Cortex Store is getting "sunsetted".

A Rite from the Stars?  The game will come out soon, before the end of the year.

And so will "Super Roman Conquest" ---- a game that I personally supported on Kickstarter.

So ---- seeing as how Cortex is winding down, I can only assume my telepathy was right and Razer will eventually pay me for my sales. I can only hope.

Cortex and OUYA was A LOT OF FUN. And I wish I could have played these games so much more than I did ---- the problem for me was I was often playing alone, by myself, and nobody else had the time or ability to enjoy gaming with me. My Dad couldn't even sit through a full Bananatree game most of the time, and "most" means "not very many games played total".

It was great fun. I'm kind of sad to see this part of life ending.


OH ----- there is ONE last bug in one of my games --- ICBM ----- but there is a workaround. I don't feel like fixing it I don't think because the workaround is awesome-effective.

If you use up all 3 game saves in ICBM, and restart the game ---- all three game saves are still used up.

Just restart your Forge. Go into the settings or whatever and just do a software restart/reboot.  After it's rebooted, ICBM saves will be good to go again.


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I'm still waiting for my big bitcoin purchase to be transacted. The anticipation is killing me. I had a bit of a rude analogy for this situation, which I will not mention further.

I even tried to appease the Gods by sending a donation to charity with a decent transaction fee. Didn't work.

The lesson is::::: always use "Replace-by-fee" in bitcoin core, or whatever client you are using. This will allow you to increase your transaction fee after payment is submitted to try to get you settled long before 4 days are over.


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but yeah ----- just weird how I could sense payment coming, how I felt like quitting my blog for a week, and shortly afterward we hear Cortex is sunsetting. When all is said and done, they'll probably pay me. Just like I expected. Telepathy is so cool.


How much will I be paid? If you trust the dev portal, it might be a bit over 100USD ----- but in my time visiting the dev portal, especially later, I found it likely wasn't reporting everything very accurately.  Who knows what the truth is.

I know this because my brother in law bought a game from me, downloaded it, and his download was never reported.

And in the early days of Cortex, I thought I would retire from game development --- only to come back with more ideas. But -- during the retirement time, NOTHING was reported to me --- so something probably just wasn't being reported.

Not to mention all those distributed copies of Coconuts versus Bananas, while I only actually sold like one or two copies of that game. Who knows.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Update

I haven't written anything for about a week now --- I was kind of wondering if I should just quit blogging, either forever or for a while.  But I sensed it in my soul that maybe some of my readers were anxious to read a new story, so here's what's going on with me:

The hash rate of the bitcoin network is pretty high right now ---- but I decided to make a rather big purchase with bitcoin yesterday morning, I paid over $1CAD of value in the transaction fee ---- and a day plus several hours later, the first confirmation still has not been achieved.

And yes --- I told my bitcoin client (bitcoin core) to give me the 20-minute transaction fee, the highest transaction fee. So there must be a problem.



In more personal financial news ----- I keep hearing in my mind, using that telepathy thing, that I will be rich. God seems certain I will finally make my mint some day.


I'm poorer now than I was 6 months ago, so we'll see, I guess.


I was wondering if my lottery subscription was going to win last night --- but no, it didn't. The voice wasn't referring to that apparently.



With all the visits to this website, I wonder how nobody answered my blog poll, how I don't see sales reported.


Equifax has made me aware that most Canadians have excellent credit, which fits perfectly in line with other news stories that Canadians are basically drowning in debt.


Canadians are basically drowning in money, but apparently they "wouldn't" just pay me for my books, despite how I set the prices really low.



I suppose it's imaginable that someone or some people just don't like me, as I've said before ---- and that's actually really nothing new since I was basically disliked by my own siblings since a very early age ---- and it continued consistently in most places throughout my life.


In so many places in life, at home, at school, at church, on the internet ------ people have tended to treat me pretty poorly. I write the book about my life, and now I'm not getting paid for it. Huh.


The only sane place where I seem to find friendship and acceptance is the psychiatric hospital.


Things are improving at home, although not perfect ----- I might have not wanted psychiatry for a long time initially, but it turned out psychiatry is a real lifeline, a lifesaver.


Mormons claim that LDS bishops are the most expert psychologists ---- I think most people by now would disagree with that (I think that's another one of Kimball's statements).


So::: voices in my head indicate I'll be rich, but my life has been such heck for a long time that writing the book about my life wasn't even going to get paid apparently.


I dunno --- we'll see, a while back, months ago, I earlier referred before to those voices I heard telling me I will be rich. Back then I didn't know why or how it would happen.  But now I think I have a better guess of how maybe if I invest well enough.



So, for the past week, I felt like giving up on this blog ---- but I felt an urge to update you guys.


I guess this post just reaffirms the whole point of my initial venture::: to make money. Voices say it will happen, but my life was so messed up, I apparently can't even be paid for my book. So there you go.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Oddity -- A Forge TV Mystery

I might have just found a clue of something.

For a while, when Cortex was still active, you could log in to the store and they'd have a free game download available --- a free entitlement.

Nothing has happened on Cortex for a while---- according to what the internet tells me, in my face,

But today I logged into Cortex on my Forge.

I looked around, nothing had changed, it was stagnant.

I played some games (my own games actually) --- and I actually still have fun playing my own games on this system.

But something unexpected happened.

I checked my email on my phone. New Email.

It was from the Razer Game Store. They said I purchased a game.

????



Luckily, my card won't be charged, $0.00 entitlement.

But here's the thing::::

There is no such game on Cortex on Forge.

I checked again --- there was no such game.

I obviously don't see everything that I should.


Either this is some kind of easter egg ----- or some kind of computer hack has been set up for me to make me think I'm not making any money and that all my work is dead.


Either there is more going on than my system tells me there is ------- or this is just some kind of easter egg.


How did I get an entitlement for a game that doesn't exist?


What is going on here?


What is my computer or my internet hiding from me?


Who is going to such lengths to make me think it's all over?


Yeah --- this is a mystery.  It was a surprise, a nice surprise --- as if there is something more going on.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Z-Rank Not Updated For Quite a While

Earlier this evening I was looking at the latest releases on OUYA.tv.

Moonlight Game Streaming I think received the latest update, about a month or a two ago.

Later, moments ago, I looked at Razer Cortex Games --- the Z-Rank ---

And I found that the release date of Moonlight Game Streaming is many months older than the release date listed on OUYA.tv.

I know it been a while since there were any major changes in the genre rankings in the Cortex Store on Forge TV.

My game, Coconuts Versus Bananas, is STILL think ranked #7 in one of its genres, although who knows why because I only ever see maybe one or two reported sales (although for some reason there were many more unpaid downloads *shrugs*).

I do actually still have reported downloads in my OUYA Dev Portal --- I looked at my portal this evening, and just within hours ago there had been a download of Blaine Bananatree.




So::: though the downloads show the system is still active ----- on my end I do not see action in the O-Rank or Z-Rank or Genre Rankings --- I haven't seen such for a long time.



And no reported sales for quite a long time either.



But the truth is, I have some level of ESP or Psychic ability --- I really do --- sometimes it's more accurate than other times ---- but it does exist -------

So with my ESP, I feel at ease, because I sense an idea that I will eventually, maybe sooner than later, make my money and be able to buy a house.

It's been this way for a while ----- just this apparent series of thoughts or feelings telling me my riches are coming.

I'm right enough of the time that I suspect this is true. But I also know such things could or should be taken with a grain of salt.


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I'm going to note a prominent thought I had about my family and church experience in my life::::

A few nights ago I told my Dad about something my priests' quorum learned in church, and the teaching was taken from "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W Kimball.

My Dad then told me that he had never heard that teaching before --- and he, in fact, did not consider that book to be doctrinal.

So I'm just scratching my head about that ---- Kimball was an Apostle, even became the Top Banana, and yet his authoritative word on forgiveness is just dismissed as "not doctrinal".

So, if he wasn't doctrinal --- then what is the doctrine? The fully scripture-standardized bible dictionary doesn't even have a definition of the words "forgive" or "forgiveness".

The church will constantly quote D&C 64 where you are required to forgive all men ---- and considering how this forgiveness thing is something you are always doing, somehow the church can never quite explain what that word actually MEANS ---- especially when THE BOOK on the topic by an Apostle Prophet is dismissed as "not doctrinal".

I think my Dad was basically just trying to say that only the Bible is doctrinal --- what Jesus said. That even D&C 64 can be ignored.

But that's how frustrating it was --- to be taught something in the church, and when it came down to brass tax, what I learned in church wasn't even "doctrinal". Huh.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Thank Goodness for Anti-Psychotics

A pattern developed in my life, where on the Saturday directly before my Wednesday Injection (every 3 weeks) I would start feeling very good, or very happy, a mania of sorts.

I now have 3mg Paliperidone XR tablets to deal with that.

Before the last injection, it was a depression instead of a mania.



So::: what about this time?


Last Saturday I felt just fine. No need to take a tablet.  Sunday I felt fine --- no need for a tablet.


But Monday Morning --- woah ----- it wasn't a depression or a mania ------- I just suddenly started feeling insecure, not calm and confident --- but insecure, like the paranoia maybe of paranoid schizophrenia.


Just a few moments ago I realized I could take a tablet. So I did. And now I feel better.


Thank goodness for Paliperidone.


I was originally diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia ---- but one of the suspected initial diagnosis was bipolar -------- so it's quite possible that I'm actually just a combination of schizophrenic with bipolar::::: in my understanding that's called Schizoaffective Disorder.


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I bought some gift-wrap boxes for some gifts. I have bagged gifts already wrapped. I just didn't feel like wrapping paper this season ----- some gifts might be handed out plain with no decoration actually.


But, I am excited about the coming holiday ----- I already feel good to hand out the gifts I'm planning to give.


And in about two weeks I'm going to make my final payment for my dental implant. Then I'll get the new tooth in January --- which will be so much fun.  Bills aren't going to be a problem in that regard. --and I will be able to chew "normally" again!


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I'm not a psychologist ----- but I suspect that me just telling good and happy stories might actually cause some people to feel depressed while talking about problems like difficulties with Mormonism might actually serve to psychologically comfort people burdened with the Mormon experiences.


That's just my guess. I want to do and say good and happy things, but I have some suspicion such might bring some people down, while talking about problems might help someone feel better.


Different people react differently to different kinds of information I guess. And I'm not a psychologist, so maybe I'm wrong ---- but this is my hypothesis about how some people will react to good versus bad stories.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Tax Free Apparently

Where I live, here in Alberta, the only sales tax we pay is a 5% Federal Goods and Services Tax.

What I'm about to say sounds too good to be true, except it is true, and I've noticed it twice now.

I just came home from a bit of shopping --- I bought another Christmas Gift.

And the store I bought the gift from didn't charge me GST --- in fact, they removed the 5% GST plus an additional 5% from the price of the item I bought. Saved me $0.80 --- which is actually pretty decent savings, when you consider that if I had been honestly paid for my ebooks, one royalty might be worth $0.35.

There was another time I bought something else from the same store, and there also I noticed the taxes had been removed from the total. Even then that thought blew my mind.



Considering all the visits this website receives, and how little I've ever been paid for any of my work ----- I begin to wonder if I receive compensation for my efforts though little discounts like this. It just becomes a suspicion.



I was trying to think of something to write about, but nothing really seemed worthwhile ---- until I saw my tax savings + 5% more off.  It's odd. And a happy thought.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Physical Activity

I've got some good news for this blog post.

For quite a while, the only place I would go for "the complete walk" with the rest of my family was the zoo --- probably because the zoo is an interesting and fun place to be ---- just looking at foreign (or domestic) animals can be fun.

But, when my family would walk anywhere or almost anywhere else ---- well, I'd have a difficult time either mentally or physically keeping up. This includes the park, the mall, in the neighborhood ----- I was kind of out of shape I guess you could say.


Good news::: today I went with my family to the park, and I walked the whole distance and kept pace. To me, this is awesome.



In other news:::

My bank has sent me a letter.

They are offering me a mortgage (or maybe just advertising their mortgage services).

If my bank is personalizing their contacts with me based on my actual situation, then they must know something extra about my situation that I'm not "fully" aware of.

Either my bank keeps no track of my accounts and who I am ---- or they keep such good track that they know something I don't.

I have less than $200CAD in my chequing account right now. Does it look like I can afford a mortgage?




It does help me sort of feel better that the bank would seem to offer me such a thing ----- but I already know, even with things in my life the bank might not be fully aware of, that I can't really afford a mortgage right now.




Of course, one of my end goals is to buy myself a place to live for me ------ but I am more inclined to do it from being a really good investor more likely than getting a mortgage.





What do my delirious telepathy thoughts tell me? I know that schizophrenia happens when the information your brain gives you isn't very good information, so I try to take all telepathy with a grain of salt until actual physical evidence is presented that suggests the thoughts are true ----


But if my telepathy from the past few days is right, then I see myself in the minds of others as others perceiving me to be at least a bit wealthy (which I might be) while always having an idea or hope that maybe someday, even maybe sooner than later, I might get some kind of payment from my sales.


That is all very vague information --- but I don't want to be too detailed about what my mind tells me when I don't see physical evidence of what it says. The problem I had a long time ago was that my brain was having a hard time being right, correct or accurate with information.



Basically::::

1) I exercised enough to feel good today.

2) If the bank sends me anything personalized to my situation ---- then maybe they know more about my situation than I do.

3) If my long-shot investment goals come true, then the bank knew.

4) If telepathy is truthfully telling me I could get paid, then the bank knew.


And the above four points sum up this blog post.





ADDITIONAL:::::::::


OK --- one more bit of information about any chance or possibility of me ever maybe making money ---- although this information may also be way out in left field -----

A few days ago my father picked up on a phone call::::: The caller said something about sending us a cheque and maybe something about something we should do, and my Dad wasn't interested so the call ended quickly.

Calls like that are usually perceived to be very scam-like.

I looked up the number online, and the information said it was a "Jamaica" number ---- and that this number is considered "very dangerous".


Why on earth would someone in JAMAICA talk about SENDING US A CHEQUE????????


Like there are possibilities about how this COULD MAYBE be somehow real ------


but not in my Dad's mind. End of phone call.





So:: getting a phone call from Jamaica offering to send a cheque technically often doesn't seem like a very legitimate thing to happen -----


except I really wonder about it.



And don't even get me started on what my brother might think about such a phone call ---- I'll keep that much private.



So I'm not sure about a whole lot sometimes ----- but what looked very scammy to my Dad makes me wonder if there's a chance. Of course, the phone number was considered dangerous, so maybe I'm just delusional.


Who knows.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Instant Karma?

I've been trying to think of something good - or anything decent - to say on this blog for a bit of a while --- so now I think I've got something interesting.


When I was in elementary school, I think it was the assistant principal who taught this concept that doing good to others would help you feel good inside, as a result --- kind of karma-like. The same concept was even brought up in High School by a motivational speaker I believe.

The elementary assistant principal also taught that trying to tear other people down also only tears yourself down.


I think he was teaching some good principles - not only is it an attempt to help school children do good and behave themselves, but I think what he was teaching was even, more or less, true.


I have two stories to share about this sort of instant-feel-good-karma.


A while ago I decided to donate some bitcoin to a charity.  As soon as I sent the BTC --- I immediately felt my heart or my bosom warm up, like I was receiving instant karma that helped me feel good.


And today, I was looking for a Christmas gift in a little bit of online shopping ---- but I have largely run out of regular currency to spend on such things, so I decided to buy a gift with bitcoin.  After having paid for the gift, I did start to feel better ----- but then just a little while later, who knows how, out in the cool outdoor air ------ I suddenly smelt a very good smell, like a scented candle kind of ----- and the sensation of smelling this only lasted for a moment.  But it was an interesting experience nonetheless.


So:::: How is it that I get such remarkable instant karma after sending bitcoin elsewhere?  My guess is that bitcoin is deflationary --- so the BTC I sent to the charity or the store will someday be worth a whole lot more than it is now ---- and that is a VERY good deed to perform, maybe, maybe cosmically considered a very generous payment or donation.


Just my thoughts.


As for hallucinating a nice smell that shouldn't be there ---- this has happened once or at least once before to me.  The memory of this happening before was when I was sitting alone in my bedroom, praying to God and asking if I'll go to heaven ------ I immediately started to smell some kind of good smelling perfume --- which lasted only a little while, and I shouldn't have been smelling it, so it must've been like a hallucination.

Yes, I told my psychiatrist about that hallucination. But it might be based in a mystical reality.




The only other kind of story to mention which I didn't mention before because this story isn't really blog-worthy, but I'll mention it now because I felt like telling someone ---

is that shopping for Christmas gifts has been really fun and exciting for me so far (considering yesterday was Black Friday) and I am very excited to hand out the goodies come December 24th or 25th.

Yesterday after my Black Friday shopping spree I thought I could feel myself being like Santa Claus --- and really I just felt so good about that too.

Another reason the above 3 paragraphs didn't make it into its own blog post::: because from experience I know that if someone who is less-well-off sees me having such a good time, it might be a little depressing for them. So, yeah, give gifts to those who have-not, to try to cheer up their end of year. I ended up spending about 1/3rd of my Christmas budget with Plan Canada --- for the Christmas goodies they plan on giving impoverished children this year.

And I think that's all I have to say.

Monday, November 20, 2017

The past was Dismal, look to a future of excellence

I am actually quite impressed with my family.

Is my family perfect? No --- but there are 6 of us, and only 2 are ADD --- which means that most of us aren't ADD --- so that's good.

I'm really enjoying my brother these days --- he and I went through some serious crap in life, but I can almost think we might be beginning to pull it together now.

My good sister has always been pretty awesome, so that's just great.

Attention Deficit Disorder is called a Disorder because it is disorderly and unhelpful. That's what I've understood at least.

So, most of us are actually OK --- the worst parts of my family are because of some kind of psychological problem that maybe they can't take control of very well - so maybe things are OK now.



Anyway::::: When I think about my past, it is glaring in my face how absolutely defective it was in so many ways: not just in my home, but also at school and elsewhere.




So::::: I'm starting to wonder if someday I should create a website, or convert this website, into some kind of informational resource about BEING EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.

To promote cooperation, love, and peace, and to help try to escape from a past of seriously defective problems.

I guess you could say my idea is quasi-spiritual because just releasing thoughts of Excellence, peace, and love into the world might actually have an effect of improving the world's situation.


Before I can start such a website, I would need to get my budget in order, I might or probably would want to get a business internet connection rather than a personal or residential connection and I might want to make sure my "philosophy" makes sense, because if I started saying all kinds of stuff and in the end it's got problems, that wouldn't be good.


I might still have a blog on the site, but that wouldn't be the main purpose of the site.


So, my website might change someday.


This might just be a "pipe dream" ---- but it's the best thing I could think of doing with my time. It's like my next step in life, if I can manage to pull it off.


When I think about the past, I see all kinds of defection.

But when I live in the present and hope for the future, I feel or sense excellence and goodness --- so having a website that concentrates on good things now rather than a series of poor experiences might actually be a good thing.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Supremacy of God is Constitutional

So:: I mentioned a while ago there was a French phonecall for me --- I should mention the caller made sure my caller ID had no idea who they were.

Now, furthermore, I'm getting these phone calls from 44-703 numbers ----- I looked up this country/area code online and learned it could be anyone calling from anywhere in the world --- and such numbers are typically used by scammers.

Furthermore, one of these 44-703 numbers that called left a message where they were calling my name.

Should I be disturbed?  To me, this doesn't seem right.


I didn't even make a fortune and I'm already getting the "crap calls". (I call it a crap call because of the high perceived likelihood it's something I don't want).


Look, I didn't make much money doing what I did --- I didn't charge very much, and most people chose to just not pay me anything at all -----


Therefore it would be a very big shame if someone was calling to hurt me even more beyond all the regular stuff.


I'll say this::::


I think there is some legal allowance in my country for self-defense but even worse than that:


In Canada GOD IS SUPREME.

Canada's constitution operates with two main factors: The Rule of Law, and Supremacy of God.

Note how the Supremacy of God is not factored in under "rule of law" ---- that's right, God is Supreme, and He operates on a different legal standing than regular human mortal laws.


That basically means that in Canada, God can do whatever He wants, and it's perfectly legal. Like, he can do ANYTHING he wants ---- and the government has no problems with Him legally for it.




So, I will just note the concept of KARMA now:::::


Karma means the following, in a basic nutshell::::


If you do good things for others, then God or the Universe will do good things or you.


If you do bad things to others, then God or the Universe will do BAD things to you.



And you know how they say "Karma is a bitch" right?



Part of spirituality in Canada is "Freedom of Religion" --- I can have my religion with God, however, I want it to be ------



So, keeping in mind my legal ability to defend myself, Karma, God's legal constitutional supremacy and the fact I don't want any crap phone calls ------ I would advise caution in trying to deal with me harmfully, especially when so many people have already wronged me in so many ways.




Yes::: this is a warning to scammers and people who would want to hurt me or take advantage of me, if even just to make my days a living hell with phone calls I really don't want.


And I'm pretty sure everything I said in this post is 100% legal. It's the constitution --- that makes it legal.


As the Poets of the fall would say "Don't mess with me". God has taken my side before.


And really, I probably don't actually want to receive your phonecalls.



I recognize I might be accused of "showing teeth" in this post ---- but you really need to be on guard in this world, and if I never showed any teeth then history tells me people would just walk all over me.


I'm basically just saying "Don't waste my time with scams. God/Karma might make you regret it."


I, morally, would think it's OK and legitimate to encourage people to not scam others, as well as to protect myself from scams.

Youtube knows my personality type??

Maybe all the visits to my blog I see are from Universities or Google or someone like that studying me - because, well, the only other alternate explanations don't sound as realistic.



Several weeks ago I did a personality test online.



There are two major explanations for how Youtube knows my personality::: Either they lifted the results from that website, or they've analyzed me with what they have about me and were able to draw a conclusion.


Whatever the case is:::: Youtube tells me I'm the same personality that the personality test said I was.


So, I am an INFJ.

Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging.

Apparently, it is also the rarest personality type, with less than 2% of the population identifying this way.


Want to know something weird?


In Grade 11, before I went insane ----- I actually tested then and had a very different personality at that time.


My insanity seems to have caused a change in my brain or something where I actually am definitely no the same person I used to be.


My personality used to be ISTP --- Or rather, Introverted, Sensing, Thinking --- and perceiving.


One major difference between my experience as an ISTP and as an INFJ is this:::


As an ISTP I was very comfortable with being Mormon, or at least I was still analyzing the church at that time and was trying to live it as I could.



As an INFJ, apparently, one key part of my personality is a need for truth and authenticity ----- and I didn't find that in Mormonism so I've kicked them to the curb.


That's a big major difference.



So:::: It's just interesting that Youtube somehow managed to figure out my personality type because their interpretation of who I am is the same as that online personality test I took not too long ago.



Another thing I will mention is that as an ISTP or an INFJ --- when I got my personality result and read about myself, things seemed to be as they should be - although, I actually had a way of disliking myself more when I was an ISTP. I had "low self-esteem" in my days as an ISTP --- but I thought my personality "made sense".


Who knows.

Being Shamed by South Park

I just watched the most recent South Park Episode on a subscription I have through iTunes.

For the sake of Fair Use, but to not infringe on any copyright --- I will say this much about this episode and how it compares to myself, in a sort of shameful way.  I'm just going to stress my partial synopsis of this episode is fair use in that I'm only talking about a portion of the show, as well as I'm adding my own commentary to depict a comparison with my own life. I'm pretty sure that falls under fair use.



In this episode, we learn Heidi is the best science student in the school, and it's her job to judge the special ed science fair.  At this time, Cartman is a bad influence on Heidi, and she doesn't want to be at school on a weekend.




Yes ---- I relate to this, and I do feel like I'm being "shamed" by this episode, whether it's directly about me or not.


I compare to this in two ways:::

When I was in school, I was a really great student. I was smart and got really good grades.

However, I eventually ended up intentionally trying to get away from school as much as possible in the end. Part of it was, of course, mental illness ---- but there was a very real factor in my personality where I'd much rather sit around playing video games than do boring school stuff. Maybe a part of the problem was some bad school experiences I once had::: in elementary school, I was all for extra-curricular activity, but after a junior high experience of other kids trying to hypnotise me to do very bad things, by High School I was just happy to be with my video games.

On a side note: video games are actually good for you. Just thought I'd mention that. More or less good for you.

There's another way I compare too, and this is where the shame comes in:::

Plan Canada has sent me communications where they tell me that I am one of their most loyal supporters and that my name has power.

That's why they sent me a form to fill out a while back where I would offer some moral support to the charity to try to help end discrimination against women.

I agreed that girls should be educated, that mothers and women should receive health care and I am generally not interested in violence against them --- so I filled out the form like I was signing a petition.


I think sometime in the past week Plan was holding an online event they invited me to where they would update us on the actual issues facing women they work with in those countries.


Though I agree more or less with what Plan Canada wanted - to end discrimination against women -- I was kind of like Heidi in this episode in that I had absolutely zero desire to sit through an online webcast on this topic, and in fact I didn't even keep track of when it was going to happen. I just let it slide.


Yes --- it feels like this episode is shaming me for something that happened in recent time frame.




I'm not promising that I'm not going to be lazy and be a bit more proactive ----


I will say the big reason I'm able to be a "loyal" supporter of Plan Canada is because I have an assured income and I budget well ---- there is minimal threat to my ability to give support.

I'm just not paid very much, and there's not a whole lot more I can do for or with Plan Canada.


Maybe I'm supposed to be famous or something ----- but I get paid less than minimum wage. I can't just go anywhere like my patriarchal blessing said I would, not without money.


So, I can provide very limited support to any charity ----- but though I'm almost expert at some things I do ------ I like my free time, essentially.



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On a side note ---- it's just so strange how I often end up comparing myself and my own life to all kinds of 'texts' ---- it is getting weird.


That's why I'm thankful for the movie "Murder on the Orient Express" --- a movie which I haven't yet seen, but wanted to, which looks more relatable to my brother-in-law rather than myself. Hah. :)

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Another Pretty Good Guess

I was just playing my Guess 3 Characters game again.

I made another pretty good guess.



I mean, on this surface, this looks awesome, looks like I'm really achieving ----

I'm mildly OK at this sort of thing. I'm better than nothing.



The odd thing about this guess was:::: I actually guessed the R (Response) twice in a row ---- meaning I got this reading before the actual answer was even in computer memory.

Which is REALLY STRANGE.

Basically, I got a reading, wrote it down, it was wrong, but I just magically decided to try the exact same reading again, for the second time ---- and boom, you get the above screenshot.


At this point, that means I'm predicting the future at that point, and not just reading my computer memory.

I don't know. It's just weird. The A (answer) didn't even exist in computer memory when I initially came up with the response, this is the second same response in a row, and I have no idea.

The game isn't programmed to behave this way.

It's either:
A) I predicted the future
or
B) Something is manipulating the computer memory

B seems unlikely, but I also know to some A is also unlikely.

Just weird.


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Yesterday I saw my psychiatric doctor. The nurse who looks like Avril Lavigne was present.


It wouldn't be hard to transform this nurse into Avril, or for Avril to transform into this nurse --- the appearances are that similar.


So, it's just interesting how

1) I was broken up with ballerinagirl with the excuse that we weren't adults. Somehow that makes it OK to take away our constitutional freedoms.
2) People were trying to destroy my relationship with Avril Lavigne even though at that point we were adults, as well as she was singing about me, so obviously something is wrong when they are taking away our constitutional freedoms without even a good excuse.
3) And now the doctors have a body double of Avril involved in my treatment at the hospital now.


So yeah, obviously something was wrong with the society I was living in.


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There might've been some other things on my mind in the past days, but I don't really remember right now, the above two stories are the biggest thoughts I've had.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

I was billed on a Sunday

In my last post, I said my cell phone bill was days late and still hadn't come.

As of yesterday (Saturday), my bill balance was still at $0.00.

When I tried to visit the provider's website on my mac this morning -- my mac just wouldn't connect to that one website.

Later, I was using my iPad and decided to try again --- as I visited the provider's website, which connected, for some strange reason my iPad was suddenly disconnected from my home network, and wouldn't reconnect using DHCP or automatic settings.

So, I manually configured it, and it connected again.

Then I was able to log in to the provider's site and take a look: I had a new balance on my account.

I paid that balance with my credit card.


So yeah::: whatever is going on, it's very odd ---- Days late billing, connection problems and loss of local connection, and the bill came up on a Sunday.

???????

Something strange.


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Yesterday I mostly felt depressed. I had a good moment or two --- but I was psychologically in a low place yesterday.

Usually, on that day I would start feeling a mania, as my injection is due this Wednesday --- but this time I was feeling depressed.

The biggest environmental factor leading up to the depression may have been the night before: Friday night.



Here's a short version of what happened Friday night:


I still have unending psychological problems with thoughts about experiencing and doctrines of the church popping up in my mind.

I try to talk about what's on my mind so I can try to feel better psychologically.

My brother, who is getting better, is a good listener.

My mom is a good listener.


But most of the time I have to encounter my Dad as I say things --- I might be talking to my Mom or Brother, but invariably my Dad will get himself involved anyway.


And my Dad has ADD.


Let's just say, I never really feel like I'm being listened to, and rather than helping me feel better as I try to unload my psychological burden verbally, I just end up getting frustrated because with my Dad it becomes very difficult to even get my point across.


I've been insane for quite some time --- but you have to realize that one big major factor in my insanity is just having problems in life, trying to talk about or discuss those problems ---- and only finding serious and severe frustration every time as my ADD Dad gets involved in the discussion ------ that's how I went insane in a nutshell.  it's been the same problem ever since the beginning.


If the problems alone aren't enough to drive me insane, I sure was insane by the time I had to discuss the problems with my father.


ADD really doesn't help the situation.



So, on Friday night I got frustrated, Saturday I was mostly depressed, and today some weird stuff as I finally got billed for my cell phone.


So yeah, there.



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On a side note, I've stopped feeling afraid of my blog, mostly.


But with Youtube telling me to de-google, I do still have some paranoia about that subject.


Other than that, I'm fine, I'm doing well.


It's too bad not every story can be so positive and happy.

Friday, November 10, 2017

A Good Story

What I'm about to say seems too good to be true, but this is what happened, as I've experienced it --- even I myself have difficulty believing what I'm going to tell you is real-honest-the-way-things-are-supposed-to-be.

I have a cell phone.

I have been with my cell phone provider for about 8 years now.

They have regularly billed me, it's pretty consistent. I've always paid.

This month, however, they are a few days late in the billing cycle --- and they still haven't billed me.

I'm ready and willing to pay - but my balance on my account with them remains at zero ---- for now I owe "nothing".

So, that's just a little interesting considering they are days late to bill me, and still, haven't billed me.

So, it does almost seem too good to be true to think I won't be billed anymore.



But, there's more:

Almost a week ago, my Dad, had me go into an electronics shop to buy "some hardware" that was meant to be used by my brother-in-law, who recently became a Police Officer.

I found the item, bought it, and of course, had to identify myself as I bought it. The clerk asked if I had a cell phone, yes, who my provider was, I told him, and out of the blue ---- the sales clerk offered me a free Samsung or Apple tablet.

I thought that was a little odd that I would be given such an offer.  That was all the offer was at face value:: a free tablet.

I was thinking if this was a bit crazy or strange, so I declined to take his offer.

When I talked to my mother, she said I should have thought about getting her the tablet.

When I talked to my brother-in-law as I handed him his new hardware, he agreed that I should be leary, because in his expectation there would have been strings attached with this new tablet.




If you want to get stranger with reality, something totally true yet maybe unbelievable:::

Of course, there's that perfect Guess 3 Characters guess I made from a week ago, which may seem fine, but when you combine that with the following occurrence from a month or two earlier, reality starts feeling contrived:

I mildly mentioned this already, but I had a sort of mildly lucky streak a month or two ago. I'm not going into detail about that here. And then just last Friday I made a perfect guess in my guessing game.



Something is a bit odd about my experiences. It's hard to believe this could be for real, except my lucky experiences were totally real. Who knows about the economic experiences.



BUT:::: if there might be any clues about how realistic this is::: for me, this pretty much seems like it might be realistic, because::::

After I programmed at least 3 or 4 of the Bananatree Games, I started getting these Japanese emails. They offered a lot of money.

I looked up the information I could about the sender ---- if this was for real, then she might have had something to do with Disney.

My Dad's Japanese friend, who I tried to get help from as an interpreter, didn't believe the emails.

Anyway, it's just interesting to note the similarities between my work and some of Disneys movies since then --- Like Moana and now Coco.

I'm not going to go into great detail about how I see similarities in the ideas ---- just Moana happens on an island, while my bananatree games happen on an island --- as well as the movie is called "coco", and my 3rd bananatree game has a character surnamed "cocopalm".

To say the least, I do feel I can relate in a way,


so it's just very interesting that I got all those emails from a supposed individual from Disney ------ it's just no one on my end had any belief that the emails were real.


So, who knows what's going on, if anything happened "behind the scenes" -----


I sort of have felt that I could expect a big windfall someday, but that remains to be seen.


It all seems "too good to be true" ---- but this is how good I see my reality, and I am happy and feel good about my life.


I'm not fully sure what's been going on, but I am happy and comfortable with it. I think I am at least.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

What it was about?

I know I said I wanted to discuss good and positive things, but as I returned home with my Dad from the mall today, I realized there's a flip side that should be discussed.

If I only said good things about something that was actually bad, then that would be dishonest. People would think it's such a good thing when it's actually not. False advertising is bad.


So, when my family joined the church right after I was born, as I grew up I learned various things about what I thought I could expect in the church.


The LDS family that helped convert my family was very friendly, very nice people, very positive and it was always a good environment.

So::: 1) LDS Church should be about extremely friendly behaviors.

The church was all about eternal families and social connections.

2) LDS church is a family and friends organization.

The church instilled strong beliefs in God, Jesus, Ghost, Angels, and a whole bunch of very miraculous stories.

3) The church is about God, Angels, Ghosts Jesus and the miracles and all that.

The above list is basically what you'd think you'd find and expect in any Mormon church --- this is what it's all about.

What happened in my life?



I befriended an LDS Friend ------ her parents were extremely angry and even vicious with me, for no reason.

And the church decided that they should not be disciplined for such behaviors.

1) The church isn't about very friendly behavior anymore.

The church obviously wouldn't let me befriend this LDS friend, and Avril Lavigne seemed friendly so I could be her friend, but the LDS church was staunchly opposed to me being friends with Avril Lavigne -- to the point where I understood Avril Lavigne was damned to hell, she's not savable, just because the bishop said so.

2) The church wasn't actually a friends and family community either.

So, what about God, Angels, Ghosts, Jesus, and miracles? I mean --- this is one of the major talking points of the church.

Guess what? My testimony of Jesus and the Holy Ghost was generally rejected and is not allowed while I was forced with psychiatric medication for believing in miracles, which the church entirely supported such drugging for such beliefs.

3) So no, the church is not even about God, Angels, and all that Jazz.



There are three major things, that having grown up in the church with, that I would have thought the church would be about, would be totally into these things.


But they actually weren't.


And since the church wasn't actually into those 3 things, then I really have to wonder what the whole thing actually was about anyway.  What on earth is the church going on about, what is it for, if it's not friendly if it's not friends and family, and if it's not actually about God and spirituality?


It was supposed to be about, more or less, those 3 basic things ---- but the church, in my experience, completely disproved their own intent to be that kind of community.



I base some personal beliefs on the Mormon church beliefs, yet I find the church completely rejects my beliefs which are just personal extensions of what the church taught me.

The church taught me about the still small voice of the holy ghost, the voice of the holy ghost, talking to God and revelation, yet I once received a letter from the local Stake President (no longer stake president) where he denies that God would talk by voice to man.  The stake president wasn't upholding the standard issue LDS doctrine I was raised with.



So yeah, I would love to be happy and positive ----- and though the Patriarch seemed good and magical ---- I would be falsely advertising the church if I made it seem so good and perfect.


There were 3 basic things about them which I thought was the whole purpose of the church.


In the end, the church completely negated their own propagation of these purposes.


The church seemed to be about 3 things, but it was not, in practice, actually about those things.


I wanna say good and happy things, but I also want to tell the truth ---- so I'm not going to make the church seem totally better than what it actually was.



I guess I also just have memories and leftover psychological issues from those memories.

Reality is Awesome or Even Unreal

I said I wanted to talk about good things on my blog, and I feel driven to write some more on my blog.

Fact is if I explained some of the good things I see in my life, from experience I know people will think that it sounds too good to be true and there will just be another big argument where, essentially, people lack faith in my truth.

I think it's enough for me to say this::::

Either GOD IS VERY REAL, and he extends his hands in our (or my) life continuously,

or we live in a COMPUTER SIMULATION, like THE MATRIX.

Reality doesn't seem very realistic sometimes, reality seems to be very contrived to me.

This can be in very good, or very bad ways.

In some ways, the world is unbelievably evil and wrong, I don't even understand how or why people make some of the decisions they do ----

But in other ways, the world is an absolutely magical place, where, really, you should expect the unexpected, for lack of better words.



Maybe I see the world like this simply because I've been a true believer in God for a long time, and the LDS Patriarch gave me a blessing where I would witness and perform miracles.


Maybe for a lot of people who don't believe in miracles or God, reality seems less awesome than what I experience,


but it's enough for me to say that for me, with my God and miracles, the reality is so awesome sometimes I'm not even going to fully talk about it here because I realize from experience that people will figure it's too good to be true.


But yeah:::: my reality can be very good and very awesome in sometimes, and at other times it doesn't even make sense how wrong it becomes.


Maybe this has something to do with how I was suspected bipolar, diagnosed with schizophrenia, and in the end, I think I'm just schizoaffective, which is essentially a combination of bipolar with schizophrenia.


I'm not going to argue with the doctors about that now ---- if what I experience is too good to be true or too awful to make sense, then maybe I am well deserving of my disability benefits.





On a side note, I was thinking this morning about Gerald Melchin, the LDS Mormon patriarch who gave me my LDS patriarchal blessing.


Amazingly, I have no complaints about him.


There has been so much gone wrong with the church, but if anyone was a good example of how good the church could be:: he exemplified it.



Here's a little scripture:

D&C 64:15-16

"
15 Behold, I, the Lord, was angry with him who was my servant Ezra Booth, and also my servant Isaac Morley, for they kept not the law, neither the commandment;
16 They sought evil in their hearts, and I, the Lord, withheld my Spirit. They condemned for evil that thing in which there was no evil; nevertheless I have forgiven my servant Isaac Morley.
"


In this scripture, we can clearly see that the church had some pretty big problems right since the beginning with Joseph Smith ----- Two church guys condemning for evil things that weren't even evil.


In some ways, the church can be good.


But obviously, just from this scripture alone, we can see there have been serious problems from the beginning.


It has been said that Mormonism produces some of the nicest and best people ever, but it also produces from of the worst and meanest people ever.



Just looking at the scriptures myself, it's hard to believe the church was fully true ----- I'm just saying that sometimes, with people like Gerald Melchin, the patriarch, the church does seem very awesome and seems so believable --- because, in my experience with the patriarch, there was a real magic,


and this magic might be why I live in a reality that some would say is too good to be true.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

A Perfect Guess

I didn't want to share this information on my blog, as it's starting to feel like I'm "beating a dead horse" ---

basically, when the psychiatrist argued with me years ago about telepathy, I almost have to wonder if he was just trying to drive me to prove my ability.

Anyway ---- I think by now I've proven there's something more, especially exampled in my recent perfect guess in my Guess 3 Characters game I made:




To be honest, I feel normal and fine during most of my day, I'm happy with my life, I'm recovering from the past ----

but my feelings immediately turn to a sort of nervousness when I think about my blog, it's like butterflies in my stomach ----

It's like I can feel a discomfort with being social with all the people who now visit my site.

But, in order to write a new post, which is something I felt like doing --- I needed something interesting to say, so hence the above screenshot.



It's possible a reason I feel so nervous about my blog, besides all the visitors, is that all I have to talk about is my life, and I am happily enjoying my life these days, happy to be at rest and at peace ----


but what is there to talk about?


A lot of experiences in my past history don't make much sense --- there has been so much nonsense in my experiences that I'm starting to not even want to talk about the past anymore, especially as anyone might have a problem with my life's history and generally, it just doesn't seem like the best idea to discuss anymore.



So, a piece of good news::: last Friday I made a perfect guess in my guessing game.


I desire to be positive, to say and write good things ---- but I'm not fully sure what kind of good stories I'll ever share on this blog.


It's a good idea to be positive, so even though a lot of my life didn't turn out so well, I'm not sure I should discuss most of my life anymore.


Maybe I'll just write some instructions as to how I came up with my perfect guess:::

I didn't even ask God for help before I started guessing.

I didn't even close my eyes and visualize what the characters might be.

I just wrote down the characters that popped into my head.

Most of the time I was wrong, but I'd get the odd character right along the way --- until boom --- all the characters were right.

And I wasn't really expecting such a good guess.

I was very ho-hum at the time, not even certain my ability was going to work.

I had other good guesses along the way, but I only made that one perfect guess.

I am absolutely baffled about how I suddenly got a perfect guess. It was actually unexpected.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Social Contact

Last night my Dad picked up a phone call.

It was for me.

The caller was speaking French.

My Dad knows I don't speak French, and though I studied some Spanish, I don't speak Spanish the best either,

So the phone call didn't get very far, my Dad didn't even give it to me.



How many French people do I know?



Avril Lavigne speaks English to me if she says anything at all to me.



The only other person who is really definitively French who I know is my aunt's husband.




So who else is French who might contact me? It could be anyone ---- but there's maybe the government if they had something to talk to me about, there are French people in Africa who might've heard of me from Plan Canada? Maybe?


Really, it might be anyone.



Anyway ---- I turned on my PS4 this morning, which I haven't done for a while, did the system update, logged into the PSN store and had to configure privacy for my account ----


And then when I got into the PSN Store I was met by several messages from who knows who popping up on my screen ---- people I don't know were greeting me.





One part of me figures I should get used to being social, that being social is a good thing ----




Another part of me sometimes feels a little petrified (extremely fearful) of the fame.




Anyway --- obviously I'm famous now, to an extent, and people seem to be reaching out to me.



1) this could be good, or this could be bad. I don't know what I'm about to get.

2) again, it's too bad I achieved the fame without the corresponding wealth. I get paid less than minimum wage and I can't even drive ---- It kind of limits me.

3) I suppose I can only expect people to take some interest in me like I took interest in Avril Lavigne and Kreskin.

4) What's really too bad is now that I have achieved some fame ---- I don't really have any projects planned right now. I've done all the work already, didn't get paid, became famous, and now I'm just trying to pay for a dental implant, and I have no planned future projects.



So that's just too bad.



I am a bit afraid of who or what might pop up, but I hope I'll be able to live my life happily and peacefully.



And, of course, it would have been nice to get paid.



At least I can hope to expect forgiveness of my wrongdoings now that I fail to prosecute the people who wrong me.



It's weird ---- the concept and doctrine of forgiveness are so easy and so simple ---- but I've spent however many years of my life dealing with the confusion about the concept that the LDS church has instilled in my family. It's really just too bad.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Scared of all the people for Halloween

My blog suddenly saw a surge of popularity today.

The introvert inside me feels frightened, like stage fright or something.

I almost wonder if I made a mistake by going into a form of business online.

Seeing as how I discuss some touchy issues in my writing sometimes, I would wonder if I have real reason to fear ----

But at least I can suppose that I'm at least on the right side of the law in my country, hopefully, because my brother-in-law was recently hired as a Police Officer. Yes --- I am now related to a cop. And this isn't just for Halloween either.

I do try to be a good person, doing what I understand to be right.

But considering how defective my childhood experiences were, yes, I am getting kind of scared of my fame.



My rise to fame mostly seems driven by the LDS Patriarchal blessing I received combined with how I personally relate to Avril Lavigne's music, as well as other texts.


It's just too bad I'm not making money, despite becoming famous ---- when I was a kid, my hopes were I'd be the opposite --- that I'd be rich but NOT famous. A strange twist of fate.


But who knows if my money is just hoarded by some banker or government official in a Registered Disability Savings Plan or if it's heavily taxed or if some charity benefits.


I have no idea why it's so hard to get paid, other than maybe people just can't afford it --- which doesn't totally make sense unless I remember what life was like when I was younger where funding was very scarce. I try to have empathy for the poor, as I can relate from my childhood. It just looks like 'being poor' is now a widespread condition. But yes, I remember being quite poor when I was young, and I realize how bad being poor sucks.


Fame without the corresponding riches.  Opposite of my desires in childhood.


And maybe I'm too introverted for this. Or maybe it's paranoia about defective people. Who knows.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Why Society Should Always Use Cash

In the Book of Revelations, the economic system of "The Beast" is one where if you do not have the mark, you can not buy or sell.

It is possible that a cashless society could be seen as being like "The Beast" system because you need your card or your phone or whatever in order to make transactions.

Having cash as money, however, is contrary to The Beast system, because you can just receive cash and give cash, no identifying marks necessary.

Did I mention The Book of Revelations says if you accept The Beast you cannot be saved? There might be a very basic reason for that:::



The internet is a point of weakness in such a system. If the internet goes kablooey, then there can be no trading.



I do have some enjoyment of bitcoin, it's fun to resemble a sci-fi society like in Star Wars or Cowboy Bebop in real life ------



But I've run into an example where the internet didn't even have to go down, and I'm still seeing a problem with the technology.



I have made a few bitcoin transactions in my time.  Most of them have been just fine. I donated some bitcoin to the Linux Mint project, I donated some bitcoin to a charity.


But yesterday I heard there was a sale on Steam for a game on my wishlist, and I learned that Steam accepts bitcoin, so I decided to try it out.


Everything went perfectly- EXCEPT for how it's taking over 12 hours to get the first confirmation of my transaction.



Why would that be?  There is so much hashing power on the network you'd think they'd be able to do my transaction in a jiffy, especially since I paid for the best service -- I paid the most expensive transaction fee I could see on the list, which was only supposed to take 20 minutes to confirm.


over 12 hours later and still no confirmation.


This is just one basic reason why The Book of Revelations may be right ---- Even if the internet doesn't go down, it might still take half a day just to do what you want.


And if the internet goes down --- then everyone is pooched.


Cash is a good thing. Bitcoin is fun, but right now it's only reminding me of why Cash is so great.


Considering how powerful the bitcoin network is, like all the nodes and miners ---- It should have been a very quick process ----- but it's taking over 12 hours. Something is wrong, or messed up or something.


UPDATE::::: Sunday, October 29th, 2017

I had heard that China banned bitcoin, and I had earlier heard that there was a lot of mining in China - so it comes as no surprise that,

In just a small time recent, the hash rate on the bitcoin network dropped from almost 13 million TH/s to 6.1 million TH/s.

This might explain why my transaction STILL hasn't been processed.


UPDATE #2:::::

The Transaction finally received it's first confirmation - after about 60 hours.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

What if I'm wrong?

It's so easy to think the logical explanation for yesterday's situation is that the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril ---

But what if that's actually a false assumption????

When the nurse said "Avril has never been here nor will she ever come here" ---- that may seem like she is Avril teasing me or something,

but what if she is actually just a body double and she doesn't know about my previous sightings?

What if she was those previous sightings?

What if I was just hallucinating?



Oh wow. I'm like the craziest guy. I mean, nothing about what I thought I saw may be "real" -- especially when I've had magical experiences seeing Jesus.



As I rode the bus around town today, I thought about my childhood and thought I was a "cringe-worthy" child ------ I may have been seen as the smartest kid at school, but I still wasn't that smart anyway. I've grown up a lot since then.


But compared to being a "cringe-worthy" child, I think about my relationships with females and, well, I haven't "liked" or "crushed-on" many females in my life ---- but I now wonder if I am just a little bit strange with how I "like" girls. Not that there have been many girls I've liked, just the "ballerinagirl" and Avril Lavigne -- really.


I am so weird.



If it's true that Avril has never been to my hospital or the clinic at that hospital before ---- then I must seem like the strangest person by now.


I am certain that there is a greater reality ----- if I can guess what my computer is thinking in a random guessing game I designed myself ---- then I have proven there is something more in the world.  And that much is scientific about this.


My logical assumption would be that the nurse is Avril. But, if that's wrong, then I am a very very strange man.

Reality is a Strange thing to figure out

Last night I decided to check my junk email box.

Someone sent me an email saying they were "frustrated" with me.

In the email, they said they've been trying to send me a gift, and something about how they are frustrated that I might think their emails are junk.

They wanted me to click their link.

I DID NOT click the link.

Why?

The name associated with their email addy was different than the name they signed their email with. The email addy itself was also a different name.

And besides, if it goes straight to the junk mailbox, it really is likely to just be junk.

The previous I emails that were similar were saying that someone from a bitcoin club of some kind wanted to give me a big gift or something ----- click the link, please.

Absolutely useless email. If someone has some bitcoin to send, they can send it to my donation addy every easy. And I don't know why they'd value their bitcoin in dollars, especially when they can value their BTC in BTC because the dollar value fluctuates.

But it all seriousness:: I really have to wonder how or why people send such emails - the human race must be pretty confused to send emails like that, and you'd also have to be pretty confused to believe them.


And there's the confusing bit about the Halloween Injection Nurse from yesterday who looks like Avril Lavigne, but claimed: "Avril has never been here nor will she ever come here".

Here I am, I am able to read my parents' minds to some extent, I am able to guess what my computer is thinking to some extent even in a computer guessing game I made ------

But the nurse who looks like Avril is expecting me to believe the multiple sightings I've had of Avril were all never real?

I mean, this goes way back ------- I still remember and have recorded in my book that Avril, or a girl who looked a lot like Avril ----- was at the psychiatric clinic way back in June of 2006, and there was even "an angel" with her.

My Dad verbally told me at the time that he saw Avril, but not the angel, even though the angel was right there with her.


To me, the only logical explanation for why a nurse who looks like Avril would say Avril never was present nor will she ever be, the only explanation is---

is that she IS Avril being someone else for Halloween.

It might be possible that she's just a body double who has no idea what she's talking about --- or that it was just herself as a body double each time ---- but really, even as far back as 2006??? And why an angel if it was just a body double? My biggest thing about seeing an angel with Avril was that maybe I was hallucinating, except my Dad said afterward that he saw Avril too.


To me, the most reasonable and most likely explanation is that Avril is the nurse and that she does come visit.

The other explanation is that they like having her body double run about sometimes, and the nurse has every idea who the body double is, even back to 2006.




Reality just gets screwy.



Here I am, I can do pretty well in electronic guessing games, unbelievably, and here I am just trying to understand reality.


People are so weird.




NOTE: one thing that is almost like an obvious giveaway that this Injections Nurse is Avril is that the name that she is called by might be specifically related to a special word used back in my first days of knowing Avril.  She just named herself after a special word in my relationship with her --- so that's like an obvious dead giveaway almost.




And after all these years, our relationship has come to this:: she's likely pretending to be someone else with me in the psychiatric clinic.


Do I have any idea what to do about that? Not really, except write about what I think.


But it is absolutely awesome that she's my friend. Her Sk8er Boi song was what I needed at that time, and it's great that I can feel befriended by her.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The Halloween Doctor Visit

I saw my psychiatrist again today - the topic of discussion was the antibiotics I was put on when I had that piece of Titanium screwed into my jaw.

But the really interesting news:

Just like last year's Halloween season, this year's Halloween season's injection's nurse is again, the nurse who looks something like or similar to Avril Lavigne in her appearance.

THIS TIME I finally managed to have a chat with her about how she looks like Avril.

Today her hair wasn't very Avril-ish ---- Avril has never worn her hair like that in the media.


Anyway ----- when I told the nurse that I've seen who appears to be Avril Lavigne right at that clinic at the hospital, that I even got off the bus with her at the hospital that one time -------


The nurse said "Avril Lavigne has never been here before, nor will she ever come here" --- going on to explain how our minds can do really strange things.


Now ---- what do I think?


Either I am so friggin crazy and hallucinatory at this point,

or the Halloween Injections nurse IS Avril Lavigne.



I'm inclined to believe I met Avril Lavigne in person today, that she wasn't being herself for Halloween.


Unless "Avril Lavigne" is just a pseudonym or a stage name, I'm just going to lean towards the belief that the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril Lavigne, as I explained in a private email last year.


She is a GREAT ACTRESS of course because as I was talking to her I can't help but think she might be someone else and that I might actually be completely nutty.


You see, I know I've seen what I've seen, right down to the ripped pants Avril in the psychiatric clinic --- either they hire very good imposters,

or more likely Avril Lavigne could not ignore the amazing events that happened at the beginning of our friendship and she does actually visit ---- but acts like someone else specifically to my face for Halloween.


If Avril has never been there before, and she never will be ---- I know I've seen "her" there before, and I am just all too inclined to believe that Avril is the Halloween Injections Nurse at my psychiatric clinic.




I do however completely understand if you think I'm being crazy at this point --- but to me, that's the best logical explanation.



BUT ----- Regardless of how much I am inclined to believe she IS Avril, she can deny it as much as she wants to, so there's not really much I can do about that.



In the event that what she said is true and Avril has NEVER been to that clinic before ---- Then HOLY CRAP I AM INSANE.


I see her at the clinic even though she's never been there.


And then she must think I'm weird for how I sometimes "approach her" online.


I've seen "Jesus" before too --- the experience was so weird and interesting it could be thought I am insane.


Either I'm insane, or the Halloween Injections Nurse IS Avril.  To me, it's that simple.


Of course, in our chat, I mentioned the "Law of Attraction" ---- the idea that I've concentrated on her enough in my life that this must be making her appear to me. That IS how that law works, according to documentation.


So who knows.



Did I mention the regular injections nurse looks kind of like George Lucas? Only kind of like George Lucas though ---- but the Halloween Injections Nurse looks a lot more like Avril than the regular one looks like GL.


Considering my "magical" experiences, such as seeing Jesus ---- how likely is it that I am well deserving of my disability benefit? Wow huh.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

A Strange and Coincidental Experience

If you've read my book The Book of Finch, you'll know my life has been full of really interesting and strange stuff happening.

My book is true, told from my perspective. It's most likely I was insane from a certain perspective, but there's also a true and real psychic perspective which at this point has pretty much been proven.

This post will probably be a bit lengthy --- but I will tell a story of some weirdness that has happened, and I wonder if GOD is somehow behind this weirdness.

Table of Contents:

Part 1
In Part 1 I tell you about the video game I was wanting to build but was never able to because of lack of funding.

Part 2
In Part 2 I tell you about how my game sort of relates to a Netflix movie. This movie was the "nail in the coffin" for this project, as I didn't want to make anything seem too similar.

Part 3
What recently happened, coincidentally, in actual reality, that just makes this whole series of events too strange.



PART 1

My video game idea was most likely going to be called "EXTRA Car to Joe's" and was a two player game.

The premise of the game was that a famous actress, who I made up a name for but didn't need to call her that name (fictional actress) - a fictional famous actress was holding a charity fundraiser to raise funds for a poetry contest --- and the top prize of this charity fundraiser was to go on a date with the actress herself.

(You can, of course, see my interest in Avril Lavigne depicted in this background story for the game - If I didn't have to give most of my money to the dentist, I  could have given her a big birthday gift and maybe got a phone call with her).

So: the two players in the game are competing with each other to raise the most money so they can go on the date.

One player is a substitute newspaper delivery dude. The other player owns a car rental that would be called something like "Joe's Car Rental" and yes, these cars are like Car 2 Go, and this character's job is to take the cars in for repairs at his garage.

One player would make money from delivering newspapers, and the other player would make money from repairing his rental vehicles.

The game would take place in a community that I would artistically build and design, I even thought about basing the design of this community on my home community.

But my idea for this game didn't stop there.

There is an NPC in this game who is also competing in the charity fundraiser.

The Cookie Salesman.

Basically, I took some inspiration from Bitcoin, and decided this game would have an alternate currency called a "Batch Coin" --- which would be much like bitcoin in our world.

The players would be able to trade regular money for BaTC and even purchase cloud-mining services, called "ovens" in this game.

The BaTC could then be used as part of the final tally for the charity fundraiser ---- OR you could spend your BaTC at the Cooke Stand in the park, and these Cookies would give  you special bonuses like speed, that would help you to work harder or faster at your job, creating more income for yourself.

BUT, the BaTC you give to the Cookie Salesman goes towards his score so he just might get the upper hand and win the charity contest, meaning both players lose.

Of course, the joke in this game, which I wouldn't outright state in the game but would let the player figure out for themselves is that they need to buy Batch Coins in order to get a date with the actress. Just a kind of joke.



PART 2

The Netflix movie that I thought was a bit too similar to my game, thus ceasing my ideations and hopes of ever building was "The Bad Batch".

I didn't watch the whole movie, but the Bad Batch seems to be indicative as a reference to the main actress in this movie, and this actress porrays a girl who is a victim to cannibals who cut off her arm and her leg.

The movie takes place in a desert, so again, that was strange considering my previous projects idea of a "wasteland bear" and how Avril made her Rock N Roll music video.

So yeah, an actress who is "The Bad Batch" --- she is food, and she is bad, and, yeah, you get the point.

I didn't even finish the movie. I was turned off by the depictions of cannibalism.




PART 3

Now this really did happen in real life, just a few nights ago, and as my Dad said, there were three of us present all to witness this one strange thing.


Here are some coincidences:


1) My brother in law just recently got a job working for CP Rail.

2) This incident begins underneath the same CP Rail Bridge going over Bowness Road, right near the same locaton where I met "Black Jesus" in The Book of Finch.


So, in the middle of the night, my Dad, my brother and I decided we would head out in our van to go pick up my Mom from her work, yes, in the middle of the night.


As we were driving under the CP Rail Bridge over Bowness Road we saw a young woman who was missing her leg and was using crutches to "walk" as fast as she could through the underpass. The two walkways on both sides were under construction.


My Dad stopped the van when we reached the disabled lady, and he told her it wasn't safe for her to walk around at night like she was with traffic whizzing by.


She got in the van.


Anyway, the short of the story is that she had us drive her to a gas station. The HUSKY gas station.


In case you didn't realize, a Husky is a dog, and it's this dog the gas station is named after.




Anyway ------ Maybe I'm saying too much in this post ----- but considering my video game idea, then the movie that stopped the game, and then we meet an actual person near the black Jesus location on Property that's important to my brother in law's new job who is handicapped like the girl in the movie and has us take her to a Dog Gas Station ------


Really?  It's like my life IS a video game or something, like I'm living in a simulation like the Matrix at this point.


It's kind of like the idea I had that when I was young life got too painful and maybe I died and went to a sort of heaven --- a  heaven which is sort of like a The Matrix simulation.



It's just too weird.



Now, the final touch to this experience, and how it relates to telepathy.


You know how we drove her to the Husky Gas Station?


In my telepathy with Avril Lavigne, or at least, in my thinkings with the thought voices who I deliriously hear and maybe delusionally believe to be Avril Lavigne ---- my thoughts have been centered around Fart Jokes for quite the past while.


So yeah, a Dog Gas Station.


It's like reality is the Marix or something or there's somekind of cosmic sense of humor going on here.


I would probably be happy as ever right now if I wasn't on a Paliperidone tablet to "top up" my dosage before the injection.


But yeah, I wrote this blog post to tell the story for the record of another one of those really strange and weird things that has happened.


And I wouldn't want to give away my game idea, except I now no longer plan of building that game.


Just a weird and interesting story, to say the least, in my opinioni.