Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Good thing or bad thing?

Youtube showed me a video that defines "upperclass" and "middle class" a bit differently from the earlier videos I had watched:::

In the new definition, "upperclass" people are all millionaires who earn money.

In the new definition, "middleclass" people are not millionaires who save money.


Under this new definition I am technically still middle class.


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When I went to the university to engage in the psychological study --- the researcher didn't seem to consider me crazy for believing that I am like the sk8er boi or that The Number 23 was about me --- finally, it appears to be more accepted the comparisons I make between my own life and these medias.

For so long people would just tell me I was crazy or whatever for thinking my life was in these medias.

Well, now the psychological research at the university just accepted this comparison as reality --- FINALLY.


Anyway ---- to me, it really did seem like Avril Lavigne was singing about me, more or less --- she claimed to be "in love" with me and "wanted" to be my girlfriend.


I'm just wondering how good or bad this Avril Lavigne stuff was for me.

I mean, she kept me interested in life when things were REALLY bad. She kept me encouraged, kept me driving for better ------

But her fans rejected me, and really, things have been so bad in my life it can't be a lot of wonder why she didn't actually become my girlfriend.


Basically ------ My life has been sooooo messed up that it wouldn't make sense for Avril to actually be with me ----- so of course I'm really disappointed by her absence ----- is this bad?

But the again, my life has been soooo messed up that I basically needed Avril just to keep me on life support, to keep me going ----- to try to have something to look forward to. This is a good thing maybe?



Basically::::: my family is psychologically whacked out, more or less, to put it simply. Some of us are better than others ------ but none of us really meet a gold standard for mental stability. I think we are all pretty much brain-screwed in our family. And this is a real big reason why maybe I can't be with Avril like she sings in her songs.



It's so sad for me to have been born into a family where from young childhood, and expectantly into seniority ---- I'm going to be living with absolute insane family members.


I don't want to make it sound like I'm demeaning the mentally ill, because I am personally considered mentally ill as well --------- but the mental illness my family faces is such a burden on all of us, and in a number of ways I'm sure it has pretty much screwed us over -----


Including in the way that it doesn't actually make sense for Avril to actually be with me. Heck, it doesn't make sense for me to be with anybody.



So I get all disappointed that Avril sang about me but her fans rejected me and there's not really too much of an actual relationship going on ------


and considering how Avril's music was pretty much keeping me on "life support" for so long ----- it's pretty pathetic that things would even get that bad for me.


Sorry, when I think about my past I can easily start feeling depressed and maybe suicidal.


It's so disappointing that I would need a rock star like that just to keep me interested in life.


And it's also becomes a disappointment when the love she claimed to have for me turns out to be a rejecting fanclub. Huh.



But yeah ---- thinking about my life can be real depressing, which brings me to another point:::

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Sometimes I feel all totally good and wonderful, like life is brilliant ------ and sometimes I just have to see something negative in my life and I can start to get very depressed, to the point of wishing for death.


Like, when I think about OUYA/Cortex -- and all the work I've done and all the good stuff like that, all the fun I can have ---- I feel absolutely blessed and happy to live my life.


But when I think about my mentally ill brother ---- and he's probably the most severely disabled of everyone in my family ----- when I think about him and realize that I'm likely going to be living with him for the rest of my life ----- just those thoughts drive me to the point of wanting to ask for a state-sponsored suicide. I can't really live my life with his inability to live in the real world.


Anyway. Yeah.  Sometimes I feel brilliant, sometimes it's not hard to bring me down ---- Maybe that's why my Dad figured I'm at least a little bipolar.


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So: I'm middle class after re-defining the classes.

Avril was a good thing, for me, but also kind of a really sad thing in my life.

and I can feel really happy and really bad depending on where my mood is swinging and where my attention is focused ---- maybe making me a bit bipolar.

Yugh.

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