Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Saving the World

With the onset and return of severe mental illness in my brother, I have been wanting to move away from my parents' house, because I can't deal with my brother when he's sick --- and if my parents pass away, and it's just me and him living together, if he ever gets sick again --- I won't be able to deal with it.

With my talk of moving out, my Sister, with the help of health care workers, has started to make a real push to get me to move out.

But I'm wondering if it'll largely be a waste of money and a good opportunity, simply because of my brother's mental illness.

After watching Youtube videos decrying our society's materialism, I realize that I could try to have an impact, try to make a difference in the world with the resources I have, and my general lack of debt.

I could invest in ethical and eco and socially responsible investments. I could help save the world, essentially.

On one hand I could be selfish and live by myself ---- but that would take up resources and wouldn't help anyone but me.

On the other hand, I could help take care of my parents in their old age, which is something Jesus would do according to the Bible --- and I could invest in ethical investments and support charity.

I was thinking I would have to give up on the charities once I started contributing to my parents more or living on my own ---- but maybe I won't have to.

So:::: I know everyone is so eager for me to get going on my own, but for ethical reasons it makes more sense for me to live at home with my parents and invest ethically, to benefit the world and mankind as a whole, rather than just selfishly looking out for just myself.

I can only hope that my brother's symptoms will come under control and remain under control.

Saturday, November 26, 2016


it seems that people are getting really interested in moving me out of my parents' home. It does kind of make sense to do this --- I just hope I can fit all the requirements in a budget, and hopefully save up investments.

Today I was talking to my Dad about how strange it was that I was raised in a church that would issue propaganda at Especially for Youth about believing in miracles, so we would believe in miracles, and how the church specifically and explicitly told me I would work miracles, and then they ended up putting me into psychiatry that wouldn't allow me to believe in miracles.

To me, it just seems kind of wrong that the church would raise me to believe in something that they would then put me into a program where I'm not allowed to believe in it anymore.

essentially:::: I got my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia because I believed in miracles. The doctors made it very clear the miracles were wrong. And the church did not defend my belief.

But then as I was talking to my Dad about this::: boom! Suddenly it's OK to believe in miracles again, because my Dad said he believes in miracles.

I'm getting so confused.

I was told to believe in things, then told not to believe in those things, being forced on drugs for believing in them, and now I'm allowed to believe again.

Makes no sense at all. Why didn't the church ever defend my belief? Why didn't my Dad defend my belief?

I was raised to believe, then told not to believe under threat of detention and medication, and then it's suddenly OK to believe again.

What the heck???

But, I suppose all the problems that the church never solved or even caused has helped both me and my Dad decide that the church is just BS.

We believe in God, we believe in miracles ----- but the LDS Mormon church has so many problems, we don't believe in it in the way that they did.

Just so weird. Drugged for how I was raised, and then still being drugged but for "different reasons" now. No idea.

The doctors used to be "hardcore against miracles", but now it's totally OK to have miracles. Doesn't change the need to take medications though. Not sure why.

Who knows??? Maybe mental illness legislation is just a way for the good people who believe in God to take it easy and get some rest after being screwed over. That's pretty much what it's been for me.

I'm not sure I will ever understand::: raised to believe, drugged for believing, and now I'm still allowed to believe again. Makes no sense at all.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Happy 777th Post to me

Well, it's been a bunch of years, and a bunch of work, and now I've reached my 777th post.

Last night I was wondering about how insane I was to put my life out on the internet like this --- especially when it was nearly pointless financially -----

but yeah, I really was insane::::: I have had never ending psychological problems about the LDS Mormon church ---- just this morning I just felt I had to talk to my Dad AGAIN about how my mind is blown by how the the LDS Mormons practise "Forgiveness".

I am getting better, I am recovering, I discuss it less and less, and it bothers me less and less ---- but it does still bother me.

I am a psycho case, though I appear to be getting better.

So it's crazy I put my life out online like that considering the lack of financial benefit --- but yeah, I was crazy, having serious issues trying to understand my religion.

I suppose I "celebrated" 777 post day by buying a really cool indoor flying rc helicopter toy that shoots darts.

By later in the afternoon I had developed enough skill flying it to fly it from the living room to the kitchen, and then fire a dart hitting the chandelier -- although the chandelier was not my target. Sorry, no pics.

Life is really enjoyable in some ways part of the time, and in other ways other of the time it's an absolute misery. Things are OK for me right now though.

Oh --- OUYA responded to me on twitter about those downloads --- it was internal testing and fixing analytics bugs. Good to know.

Well, I guess I'm just another failed business, being kept afloat by the government's "investment" in me. I'm really just doing this all as an individual --- but it's like a business, I guess. Not successful financially though.

I know I shouldn't complain. I just look at these years of effort and wish people had been kinder. The world needs kindness and love.

Anyway. Yeah. 777th post. Yay me.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Curiosity and Questions

In the past 3 days, my game Coconuts versus Bananas has been downloaded 10 times. The Bananatree Brothers was downloaded 5 times. If the system worked as you'd think it should, I should have made $25 from this ---- but no, nothing has been reported but the downloads. (no sales)

I am very curious about what is going on here.

Yesterday I tried sending a tweet to OUYA, asking about this, and this morning I checked the tweet's stats and found it only had 3 impressions.

That means I'm probably like, the only guy who saw the tweet. None of my 300+ followers even saw it.

Am I in trouble?

Anyway. Yeah. I have speculations about what's going on, but I can't really be too sure --- even telepathy is highly flawed. I am very limited in what I can understand, I can speculate, but I know that not everything that passes through my head is actually true --- so I don't really fully know.

I'm just really really curious. I can think of all kinds of possibilities --- but which is the truth?

Though I've been supporting socialism for years now --- I have to admit my psychology is a bit messed up about the possibility or potential of becoming rich, but then slamming into a glass ceiling that says I need to share with someone else.

I totally know that the poor need help - I totally get that ------ but I used to be a capitalist before I was a socialist, and years before the switch I set a goal for myself to make a million dollars ---- so psychologically I'm kind of in a bit of a weird state.

It's kind of like how I once totally supported the mormon church, and now I don't. The person who I used to be has a past that still runs into the future, even though I've changed course. It might be a little difficult to explain.

I guess I just have huge curiosity about why I'm not making money.

Am I in trouble?

Am I helping others?

Who knows.


As I think about the possibility that I might be facing trouble --- it's sad for me --- growing up I always tried to be a good boy. But that doesn't stop half a classroom of schoolmates from trying to hypnotize me to do things I shouldn't do.

It doesn't stop a bishop from being corrupt, or the church from never even being true in the first place --- it doesn't stop all kinds of normal human psychological frailty.

I suppose it's good if I'm helping others ---- but if I'm in trouble, then I'm sad because I always tried to do what I thought was right, unless at the time I really was just being completely insane ---- but that's insanity, and not me.


Anyway - just think: 10 copies of Coconuts versus Bananas distributed --- 4 players per game ----- that's 40 people who all apparently couldn't afford $2. I've only ever sold one copy of that game, and before that the previous sale was refunded.

Well, Youtube has tried to explain to me that there are a lot of really poor people in the world. So huh.


I guess my path to wealth is a social benefit and a tax-free savings account, rather than actual work. Something is very weird about that. Just so strange.


I just remembered:: the LDS Church was always teaching me about "service work", which is just a new term for slavery:::: The LDS church was teaching us, expecting us to want to work for free, without payment. They'd give vague promises of blessings and good feelings.

Ah, anyway. See how my past goes into my future even though I've changed direction?

I used to believe in service work under mormonism --- now i don't believe in mormonism anymore --- but I'm still doing "free" work where I don't get paid [much]. Hmmmm.


Thursday, November 17, 2016

Wondering if I should feel guilty

A week or two ago I got a phonecall from "A Financial Institution" (unspecified) and the caller wanted to "talk about the markets".

I immediately suspected it was those binary options guys, so I shutdown the phonecall quickly.

But now I'm realizing::: what if it was that company with a Federal Profile that called me and missed me one evening, and their business involves "market analysis" and "data collection"?


I am introverted, and I may be somewhat "asocial" ---- so it's no wonder I felt uncomfortable receiving this phonecall.....

but what if it was important?? OMG.  Accck.

I might have just shot myself in the foot (so to speak). I don't know.

I do wish I knew why it is so hard for me to make money --- did this man have answers???


Well, I looked on the Google Play Store on Forge and saw that it does have KODI (XBMC), it has "Archos", it has Plex ---- the only thing it  doesn't have is netflix, and I hear there's a way to get that installed too.

I'm a little said that so many people reviewed the Forge so poorly on amazon, basically just because it doesn't have netflix.  That is a real poor reason for all those 1 star reviews. The machine runs mostly just fine, it works well enough ---- it's like Razer is just being builied by a posse of people who will harshly criticize the system for any failing.


Kind of like how my life's true story was harshly criticized essentially because it was a true story. People just didn't like what happened -- even though it was true.


Just wish I could sell product and make money. It feel sad that it's so hard for me to earn. it's like something is always going wrong.

And maybe that phonecall had answers. Or maybe not. Now, I might never know.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trying Something New

Last night I watched a TED Talk where a psychologist said you should expect the things you want, and that way you are more likely to achieve them.

So I started expecting to get paid for my work. I expect it. I expect people will pay me honestly.

So far, it seems to have only partially worked::

I logged into my OUYA/Cortex Dev portal today and found that 16 games had been downloaded today ---- Usually my reports from Cortex dev portal are not so active and may even be a little sketchy ---

So good:: 16 games Downloaded.

10 of the games downloaded were PAY-UP-FRONT games ---- which should have totalled to $15 of sales for me.

So:: Some expectation came true --- maybe I should expect proper reporting as well.

I was previously told that Cortex or OUYA might give away some free copies of my games to the press ---- well, I see a lot more free games being given away than games I'm being paid for --- Is the press really that cheap????

Anyway ---- So however this works, I started expecting to be paid last night, and now today I see 16 game downloads which should have been worth at least $15 ----- Now I have to expect a proper royalty report too I guess.

So, something is going on, and again, I can think of possible reasons why it's so hard to get paid --- but maybe I'll just try this psychologist's trick of expecting payment and expecting proper reporting.

I expect it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Congratulations to my Father

I hate joining political parties --- they're always asking for money.

But I do love Canadian political parties. I don't want to be entirely involved, but I love that Canada has such a great selection of choices to choose from.

For different reasons, I think I can say that I have appreciation for all of Canada's 3 major political parties: The Conservatives, the NDP and the Liberals.

They are different, but I appreciate all three::: they all have something good to add the conversation.

So:: some news today, and as I was thinking about it, I couldn't help feel kind of excited and then I can't help but talk about my excitement on my blog.

Anyway::: I saw the mail come in, I didn't read any attached letters, but I did notice that The Conservative Party of Canada has awarded my Father, Douglas Attfield, a "Certificate of Merit".

My Dad doesn't seem to fully understand the situation there --- he must've done something really good, but it hasn't quite hit him yet ----

or else the interim party leader "Rona Ambrose" has made a very weird decision.

If this Certificate of Merit is being awarded to all party members::: yeah, that would be very weird. Kind of makes you think about that situation.

But if it's true, that my Father is being specifically honoured, though I don't always vote conservative -- I can actually feel proud about this.

But who knows really right? My Dad doesn't fully understand it I think, to him the world has just gotten a bit loopier with this award, as I am trying to understand and depict what he said ----

but I think I can kind of understand it.

My Dad's idea that "this is loopy" might come from an idea that maybe they are handing out these certificates to all party members, but if it is specifically for him ---- then yeah, I feel proud at this point.

I didn't read any attached letters --- but I have some idea that this might actually be an actual honour. Wow. Congrats.

And maybe it's bad for me to gloat about such a thing, but hey, it started to excite me and I hate keeping secrets.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Another Email for me! (schools to attend for game development education)

My email server says this email isn't junk, and it is related to my work, so I will just post here that I got an actual email today asking me to post a link to the emailer's list of best schools for getting game development degrees.

Again, I feel special. Special that someone noticed me, and took the time to think I was worthwhile sending such a message to.

Anyway, #2 on the list is the University of Utah --- which is interesting, at least it wasn't BYU. I guess just mentioning this point will be enough.

So yeah, the email sender wanted me to publicize their list of best gaming development degree schools, so here is a link:


Playing a Game

This morning I checked my Youtube video activity and saw that someone was watching my Rant video about my relationship with Avril Lavigne and the LDS church.

And as I was playing a video game, the following thought crossed my mind in relation to that video:

I am utterly dumbfounded at how I gave the LDS church money, or how the LDS church expected me to give them money, just so they could tell me who my friends can and can not be.

They were so interested in freedom and capitalism, that they tax me an extra 10% so they can dictate to me who my personal relationships are.

That makes no sense.

It's true, though, that before I finally completely gave up on the LDS church, that the LDS leaders were telling me I didn't need to pay tithing anymore (but I still think they wanted me at the church).

There's just something so wrong with that, you know?

When I give someone money, it's either out of the goodness of my heart or I expect something good in return ----

but when I give money and all I get is nastiness that says I'm not allowed to be friends with someone --- what a load of bull.


I appeared to be giving the church money so the Bishop could tell me to deny my own testimony of the holy ghost, I gave the church money so the bishop could tell me to disobey the Prophet's definition of sincere forgiveness.

I mean, this situation is so absolutely effed up it can be no wonder why the church stopped requiring me to pay tithing -----

but yeah, I was giving 10% of my income so I could receive very bad service from church leaders -- apparently.

And that is completely messed up.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Good Testing & More

I haven't talked about telepathy for a while, so here's the latest:::

For a while, I didn't do much or any telepathy experiments. Then, I realized I hadn't done any, so I tried a few "off the cuff" --- and failed.

Then I tried a strategy --- I would ask God for help to perform the test or experiment, and then I would perform the test.

I found massively improved performance when I experimented after asking God's help. Without asking, performance was very poor, but after asking, performance was quite good.

I can't remember too much about all the tests, except that there haven't been a whole lot.

I had either one or two 2/3's going on. Getting 2/3 even once in alphanumeric pick 3 is pretty spectacular --- and I didn't even do very many tests so the sample size of experiments was probably about 10-15.

I remember the only experiment I did today::

I got the first character wrong today, but the other two characters I read were:

"A 3"

My dad's original two characters I compared to were:

"V 8"

This is not one of those 2/3s I mentioned --- my 2/3(s) were spot-on ---- this one is a little bit loopier, but recognizable because A is like an upside-down V and the 3 was half of the 8.

I guess the point of this news post is just that my telepathy is doing pretty good --- and I think I can even use it as evidence of God's existence because I find that telepathy actually works half decently after asking God's help, but may not work at all without asking for help.


This morning I updated the intel-microcode driver on my Linux Mint Laptop with hopes that it would fix the rather frequent crashes my laptop has.

It crashed again once before writing this post, and again while writing this post. So annoying!!

I have two other linux machines that I run --- and they don't crash like my laptop does. WTH???


As for moving out of my parents home::: It makes great financial sense for me to stay at home with my parents. But for the sake of my safety and happiness, I may really have to move out on my own.

That means I won't be able to be much of an investor --- I won't be able to try for "aish-upper-class" if I move out, but I really think I might have to move out because of how absolutely impaired family members are. My Dad is a little impaired I think, and it's tough enough just with him ----- but my brother is so super-impaired I just can't handle it. I can't be around it.

I sure hope the rules allow me to move into this place by myself on my aish-and-little-else-more income ----- if I HAVE to have a room mate when I live somewhere, then I am absolutely screwed over because I don't have friends and my brother, the obvious choice for a room mate, is SO IMPAIRED (I mean that very seriously) that he's the major reason why I want to move out in the first place!!!

So::: Hopefully they'll let me live there by myself, and do it with just my aish --- because if I require more income or a room mate, then I am absolutely screwed-over. And this is the best deal I can see going on for me right now.


So, I won't be investing too much after I might move in to a new place ---

So, how about all those phonecalls I suddenly started getting? Yeah, that's real interesting ----

I think I responded well enough to most of those phonecalls ----

but that one guy who was calling from "A financial institution" --- I'm wondering if I should feel guilty about brushing him off or if I did the right thing.

1) I did not care to talk about Markets in any way shape or form at that time.
2) It just seemed so "seedy" that he claimed to be from an unspecified financial institution.
3) It reminded me so much of those binary-options people phoning up that this is basically the bin I thought I should put him in ---- and I'm really not interested at that point.

Anyway, that's my news for today.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Good Opportunity Maybe?

Well, I may not have to die young after all --- on one hand my parents are hopeful my brother will recover (more or less) from the problems he's been having.

But regardless of whether or not my brother recovers:::

Living in a socialist province, the government has some caring about poorer disadvantaged people, and because of one certain good and helpful program the government has in place ----

If I'm lucky, if I find I truly can afford it::: I MIGHT be able to have my own place to live some day, and that some day could be within months!!!

I have some chance, maybe a 50/50 chance, of moving out of my parents house and living on my own in my own space.  That sounds wonderful.

Of course, I don't think my parents like this idea very much. They are both trying to warn me about possible extra costs and really questioning it. I think they just like having me around. And they may especially like having me around if their other son is rather loopy.

I realize I could be helpful to my parents if I always lived with them:: but:::

It has often been a dream of mine to have my own place ---- and in a predominately conservative society it's really hard to get a place to live, like things become so expensive ---- so maybe in this <5 years of a socialist government window, I really should probably take advantage of this opportunity that I might be able to have my own place.

So, I could even still technically live with my parents still --- it's just I would have a new property of my own where I could sleep whenever I wanted to.

And who knows all the details of why it's so hard to get paid for books and video games: maybe I'm deemed too rich in a progressive or socialist society (maybe, but that'll definitely change when I'm on my own), or maybe people just didn't pay me.

Well, if society had paid me for my work, socialism would have been less necessary in my life. If the bishop had just allowed me to pursue a friendship with Avril Lavigne, socialism may have been less necessary.

But, people didn't pay me, they stole from me (I have screenshots) --- so I essentially rely on social or progressive values at this point.

It just really sucks living in a mentally ill home where the Dad is unemployed and everyone's insane you know? I really tried to be a good student --- only to face so much torment that I lost my mind.

Anyway. So things are looking up. I can live better or more hopefully now. Yeah.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Good thing or bad thing?

Youtube showed me a video that defines "upperclass" and "middle class" a bit differently from the earlier videos I had watched:::

In the new definition, "upperclass" people are all millionaires who earn money.

In the new definition, "middleclass" people are not millionaires who save money.

Under this new definition I am technically still middle class.


When I went to the university to engage in the psychological study --- the researcher didn't seem to consider me crazy for believing that I am like the sk8er boi or that The Number 23 was about me --- finally, it appears to be more accepted the comparisons I make between my own life and these medias.

For so long people would just tell me I was crazy or whatever for thinking my life was in these medias.

Well, now the psychological research at the university just accepted this comparison as reality --- FINALLY.

Anyway ---- to me, it really did seem like Avril Lavigne was singing about me, more or less --- she claimed to be "in love" with me and "wanted" to be my girlfriend.

I'm just wondering how good or bad this Avril Lavigne stuff was for me.

I mean, she kept me interested in life when things were REALLY bad. She kept me encouraged, kept me driving for better ------

But her fans rejected me, and really, things have been so bad in my life it can't be a lot of wonder why she didn't actually become my girlfriend.

Basically ------ My life has been sooooo messed up that it wouldn't make sense for Avril to actually be with me ----- so of course I'm really disappointed by her absence ----- is this bad?

But the again, my life has been soooo messed up that I basically needed Avril just to keep me on life support, to keep me going ----- to try to have something to look forward to. This is a good thing maybe?

Basically::::: my family is psychologically whacked out, more or less, to put it simply. Some of us are better than others ------ but none of us really meet a gold standard for mental stability. I think we are all pretty much brain-screwed in our family. And this is a real big reason why maybe I can't be with Avril like she sings in her songs.

It's so sad for me to have been born into a family where from young childhood, and expectantly into seniority ---- I'm going to be living with absolute insane family members.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm demeaning the mentally ill, because I am personally considered mentally ill as well --------- but the mental illness my family faces is such a burden on all of us, and in a number of ways I'm sure it has pretty much screwed us over -----

Including in the way that it doesn't actually make sense for Avril to actually be with me. Heck, it doesn't make sense for me to be with anybody.

So I get all disappointed that Avril sang about me but her fans rejected me and there's not really too much of an actual relationship going on ------

and considering how Avril's music was pretty much keeping me on "life support" for so long ----- it's pretty pathetic that things would even get that bad for me.

Sorry, when I think about my past I can easily start feeling depressed and maybe suicidal.

It's so disappointing that I would need a rock star like that just to keep me interested in life.

And it's also becomes a disappointment when the love she claimed to have for me turns out to be a rejecting fanclub. Huh.

But yeah ---- thinking about my life can be real depressing, which brings me to another point:::


Sometimes I feel all totally good and wonderful, like life is brilliant ------ and sometimes I just have to see something negative in my life and I can start to get very depressed, to the point of wishing for death.

Like, when I think about OUYA/Cortex -- and all the work I've done and all the good stuff like that, all the fun I can have ---- I feel absolutely blessed and happy to live my life.

But when I think about my mentally ill brother ---- and he's probably the most severely disabled of everyone in my family ----- when I think about him and realize that I'm likely going to be living with him for the rest of my life ----- just those thoughts drive me to the point of wanting to ask for a state-sponsored suicide. I can't really live my life with his inability to live in the real world.

Anyway. Yeah.  Sometimes I feel brilliant, sometimes it's not hard to bring me down ---- Maybe that's why my Dad figured I'm at least a little bipolar.


So: I'm middle class after re-defining the classes.

Avril was a good thing, for me, but also kind of a really sad thing in my life.

and I can feel really happy and really bad depending on where my mood is swinging and where my attention is focused ---- maybe making me a bit bipolar.


Not this again....

I was just making myself a pot of tea this morning when I got a phonecall.

The caller said they were from "a financial institution" and that they had information to give me about the markets.

To be honest, this didn't sound right to me, so I said something along the lines of "I don't care" --- and I hung up.

Either it's those binary options guys from when I signed up for Binary Options Robot that one time, and they decided to call again....

or it's someone who became aware of myself calling myself "upper class".

When I say "upper class", I mean it in the most humble way possible. I'm really not that loaded. I just don't have a lot of liabilities.

Anyway, getting a phonecall from a "financial institution" that wanted to talk about the markets didn't seem right to me.

I looked up the phone number online::: it was from Toronto or around Toronto, but there was no information on the number itself.

Just made me think of those Binary Options guys, really. It's ridiculous how much they phoned.

Can't trust people.

Anyway, just putting this out there, it doesn't seem right to me that this would happen. Seems like Binary Options Robot guys, like they can't leave me alone --- or it's because people think I'm wealthy ----- and whatever the case, I don't care about talking to some stranger about the markets over the phone.

I suppose I can feel good that people seem to view me as the rich guy now, cuz this is the kind of phonecall that a rich person would receive ---- but I honestly don't have THAT much interest in the markets and I'm honestly not THAT rich either.

So whatever.


A day to rwo ago I finished reading that free ebook my bank's CEO sent me --- in the book the author says that if you can consistently get over 18% return on investment that he should be reading the reader's book -- not the other way around.

I'm sorry to be so rude by hanging up on the guy ---- but though my brokerage should be well aware that I was "highly successful" --- for a while --- I'm really not sure I could dispense great advice about what to buy and what not to buy, nor would I want to, for most people.

If you want to know what I'm doing::: I'm just investing on relatively stable ETFs that pay decent monthly dividends right now. That's all I'm doing. I'm not riding any waves these days.

Another good piece of advise:: buy low, sell high. If your stock drops, just buy more. Unless, of course, the company is a "falling knife" --- some companies are doomed, and no matter how low they go they are not good investments.

I, however, might not be the best advisor about which stocks to pick though.

When I invested for the past few years, I just did what I thought I could with the knowledge I had ---- and the education I got in Grade 11 CALM class. Did well for me --- but I paid off much debt with that money so it's not like I have a lot of money to invest.

Anyway:: basic point of this "ADDITIONAL" is wondering if some people can see my success at my brokerage, and wondering if they think I'm some kind of genie of picking stocks. What I really did was follow the advice of a banker who spoke to my Grade 11 CALM class on a simple tactic on how to invest. It works pretty good, more or less, I would say.

Monday, November 7, 2016

How I got here

So, In my last post or two I talk about being lower-upper class, and when I mean lower, I mean really low - like barely upper class.

But::: it's true, I used to be seriously ill with essentially a lower class family.

I know some people have problems with ideas of "The Secret" --- but to me, these ideas more or less work, or at least mostly work. To me it just seems true that we create our own realities.

Though I have my core values in my mind, which I think of --- and they do come true --- so far they haven't totally completely come true as much as I'd sometimes like them to --- but they are coming true.

I tend to think the following thought when I'm trying to improve my life:

"Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving, peaceful"

Those are essentially my core thoughts designed to improve my life. How well have I been doing?

Happy ---- I used to be mega-depressed. And this is the first thought I ever really tried. I'd just sit there thinking and saying "Happy" over and over again, maybe with some "life's good" in there ---- my life was a pathetic depressed mess, but I do appear to have regained more control of myself being happy --- I am definitely A LOT happier than I used to be!

Healthy --- My mental health has improved, I have no major diseases besides the previously diagnosed schizophrenia --- but I am recovering from the schizophrenia, I'm doing quite well health wise, besides being kind of overweight. No diabetes. No cancer. Amazing stuff.

Wealthy --- Used to be lower class, am working my way into "upper class". However, this has not worked completely because I'm still not being paid much for my actual efforts selling things online.

Righteous --- I've always tried to be a good boy --- with my schizophrenia, a lot of people believed I had turned bad ---- but I'm a good boy again, and I have more control over how I guide my own moral compass ---- no more giving up control of my morality to the Mormons! And believe me, I think that's actually a real good thing!

Loving ---- I used to hate my life and just about everything. Now I don't. I love, or try to love, everyone. Basically, just decent respect for everyone, no deep bad feelings. Good feelings. This is more or less working for me.

Peaceful ----- This one is working well for me. Real well. I am basically just a real peaceful kind of guy. Yay.

And though "The Secret" seems to work for me, where I think these core value thoughts and they essentially come true in my life, one sad fact remains:

My brother has only been deteriorating, or had been deteriorating (he's still pretty deteriorated).

I've been thinking these great thoughts to improve my life, but it is very observable that situations for my brother have only gotten worse.

I can think of possibilities for why. Should I explain them? Maybe not. I am very sad for him. I hope he gets better.

So though I and my family have done pretty well --- My brother's situation has not been so well during this time. It's a pity.

Probably the biggest failure I've experienced on this list is the "wealthy" one --- I am quite wealthy all things considered, but  somehow I just can't seem to get paid for what I sell online. I've done all this work, and I don't receive much or any money for it. I wish this would change. I wish I would receive lots of payment for my work, especially as that would encourage me to do more.

I wish I would be paid. That's the biggest issue that's having a hard time coming true.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Got a Report

So a few days ago I observed that Doorless Darts was ranked highly on the O-Rank, but no sales reported.

Just last night, a sale for Doorless Darts was reported. Awesome.

However::: At the rate that I'm earning money on Cortex --- I can expect to receive my first paycheque from Cortex in SIX (6) to SEVEN (7) years.

I suppose earning a buck every month seems pretty cool, until you realize that to actually get paid that dollar you have to reach a threshold that's pretty high, and will take a long time to achieve - especially when I tend to sell $1 products.


Without the sales from books or games, it might seem weird that I'd claim upper-class status, and even weirder that I'd even say such a thing publicly.

Basically, YOUTUBE taught me this:::

Lower class buys stuff.
Middle class buys liabilities.
Upper Class buys assets.

My Dad is probably the lower class guy in our home. He's been lower class for a very long time.

But the other members of our household are reaching into upper-class territory ----- although I must stress that this is a "LOWER-upper class" household, because though we own more assets than liabilities ---- we don't own very much.

And it's weird that I'd talk about this publicly, but I hate keeping secrets.

We're low down on the scale of wealth, but we're still higher than a lot of people, I suppose.

But it's been a struggle for my family ---- we used to be pretty solidly a lower-class home.

We'll see how long this period in our lives lasts ---- My Mom won't be working forever.

That's the other thing --- though our household income is kind of high, realize we have 3 income earners and 4 mouths to feed in our house. So yeah. It's only "slightly" better off, I would say.

The Bankers' Interest

So, in the past year I've received two offers from my bank for special-rate savings accounts not offered publicly up to $500,000 --- as if I had that kind of money.

Then just a day or two ago the CEO of the bank I bank at sent me an email giving me a free financial planning ebook. "The Wealthy Barber Returns" --- it's a real page turner, I'm already about half a way through it.

But then this past evening a survey from my brokerage phoned up as if they were suddenly really interested too ----

I'm kind of wondering how the survey from my brokerage already didn't know a lot of the answers to my questions ---- but yeah, they actually wondered how many banks I have bank accounts at. I mean seriously --- that's a question you ask RICH people.

I am kind of rich, but I'm not that rich. I know that if I keep living at home, that I can save more than if I lived alone.

Anyway --- yeah --- just interesting how much interest the banks suddenly took in me for a moment there.

Like --- when my savings rate at my brokerage reached a certain level --- suddenly someone signed me up for some kind of millionaire challenge. I'll just say that for me at that time it was enough to take my savings and earnings and massively pay down my debt.

Yeah. Uh.

So basically I'll just note on this blog that bankers have been giving me "special treatment" lately, especially in just these past days as they send me a book and phone me up.

Basically, as I understand it --- I'm on the verge of moving from Middle Class to Upper Class. I mean, I'm really low-low-lower-upper-class, but still I would technically start qualifying as upper class at some point.

And then maybe I could expect women to be interested in me, which I hope they don't, because my family is too crazy.

Yeah. I guess. Special savings account offers not for everyone --- enrollment into a millionaire challenge program as my investing gets good ---- a free ebook from the CEO and a sudden subsequent phonecall asking me about how much I love my brokerage ------

Yes, these might be signs that I'm actually moving into upper-class. What I mean by that is my assets are starting to be worth more than my liabilities --- and that does technically mean I'm upper-class.

Of course, that should be a secret, but it's just too interesting to discuss how the banks have been contacting me lately.

And of course, my mind still wonders about ever getting paid for my actual work (video games). Do the banks know something I don't? (probably)

I have all kinds of speculations about what kinds of things might be going on with my royalties and sales ---- but my mind won't make itself up about what the true story is. Just a big mystery.

But yeah:: Major story here is that in the past year, and in the past day or two especially---- the banks are getting a lot warmer with me.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

57000 Pageviews and Today's News

Wow --- it's 11/3, and I've officially reached 57000 pageviews, like that's some kind of milestone or something. Huh.

The Mail just arrived moments ago --- it's like each day my family keeps getting more and more requests, even from charities we've never donated to before, for money. They just keep asking.

I like helping people, and we may be somewhat rich in our family, but we just aren't rich enough to help everyone. And I'm still not really getting paid for most of my efforts.

The good news is, and if dreams are indicative of the future then this is good, and history tells me that dreams can be very indicative of the future:::

The good news is last night I had a dream where I owned a banana farm, and I was selling the bananas for big money.

The dream keeps me hopeful.

As for my psychology, I'm almost wishing I had never even hinted about an idea that I might be sociopathic ---- because I don't want anyone to be confused about my diagnosis.

Youtube has educated me some more about psychology ---- I'm not anti-social (sociopathic), I am more likely asocial, a diagnosis my Mom could accept closer to my reality, and is known to exist in people with schizophrenia and autism and so on.

So::: I AM NOT SOCIOPATHIC. I AM NOT ANTI-SOCIAL ----- I probably was kind of asocial however, and I'm a bit of an introvert. :)

Just gotta learn the difference between anti-social and asocial.


So yeah, my family is kind of rich, but we have 4 mouths to feed and a number of nephews/grandchildren, plus I'm not really getting paid. Charities keep on asking it seems however.

Just hopeful and good news that last night I dreamt I was making a fortune from a Banana Farm.  Dreams can be wonderful at predicting the future some times, from my experience.


Everything's Connected versus Privacy

Back in 2001 I had some realization in my mind that "they" were watching me.

Of course, if you believed such a thing back then, you are automatically insane.

But now, in today's world, where information can easily be accessed and discovered --- if often comes as no surprise that someone has heard such and such a thing.

Today when I told my doctor that the university called me in to do a psychological study on me --- she was wondering how exactly they found out about me --- but of course it was easy for me to explain that I have been very free with my information so undoubtedly there is a very good explanation about how they found my existence. I wrote and published a book that at least hundreds have read ----

anyway, it was a shock to the doctor that the university knew of me, but to me it was not such a surprise.

Anyway ---- perhaps ever since I was raised as a Mormon I have been very conditioned to not keep secrets (because secret combinations are wrong) and to forgive everyone (because of religious requirement). Even today, Mormonism has some effect on me.

The point is that I have been very free with information, so last night I saw a movie at the theatre, and in one of the previews at the movie there was a statement which I recognized as being something that I metioned at the university.

Anyway, somehow something I just told a University study somehow just ended up on a movie screen days later. Very weird. And the preview of the movie even reminded me of myself to some extent.

Well, this is the world we live in -----  a world where a university wants to study me and the elderly psychiatrist is surprised, a world where I tell the study something about myself and that thought suddenly appears in a movie preview....

and then there's Google. Chrome sees me visit financial websites, so of course Youtube shows me a lot about finances.

The really interesting one is where I visit a website for this university study, and now Youtube has shown me a video of a talk given that directly seems to relate to the topic of this university study.

Should I be scared that information travels so well? Actually, in so many ways freer information has been a very good thing.

But 16 years ago if you thought they had taken your ideas or were watching you or whatever you would be insane. Now it's normal.

But you know, everyone is playing their little games with me --- even in the psychiatric office.

In my last post I said something exciting has happened that is now considered "old hat" though it is exciting. I was using "old hat" as an excuse not to tell you ----

But yeah, I saw Avril Lavigne or Avril Lavigne's body double again today (or yesterday since it's now past midnight). Maybe it's just a halloween prank in the psychiatric office - who knows --- but it was exciting. I'm still going to try to not go into detail.

But it's also weird when you think you've met someone, but you can't really be too sure because it's a possible body double.

Did you know that there's a guy who works or used to work as a greeter at a local Wal Mart who I think looks just like Saddam Hussein? Yeah, it's really weird that way. Probably just a body double though.

Life is so crazy like that ---- but yeah it's good fun to see "Avril's" pretty face in person from time to time. She's basically my hero.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Doctor Visit

I tried writing the following post twice while away from home, but my blogger app on my iphone quit itself both times so I gave up. So, now from my mac, here we go:

I got my injection today, and they let me see my doctor.

I told her about how I compared myself to being like a sociopath or almost like a sociopath ---

She assured me I am NOT a sociopath --- my behaviour falls under a different mental illness category.

OK ---- so though I could identify kind of with what I heard about that sort of thing, the doctors think differently about me. I'm usually considered schizo-something.

And there was other big news for me today, but this sort of thing has kind of happened before --- so it's becoming "old hat", and I'll just refrain from going into detail to respect privacy.

But yeah, more cool stuff that I'm bursting and excited about, but I probably shouldn't say much more than that. I hate keeping secrets.

So::: life is good.

Oh --- and I told my doctor my idea that either lots of people can't be trusted, or else the government is keeping me down financially ------ the doctor didn't verify or deny either position. She definitely didn't deny it, and basically said we'd have to wait and see.

But life is good, and I am happy.

Being Kept Down

In the past year, I ordered 3 different GekkoScience Compac USB Stick Bitcoin Miners from two different sellers in two different orders on ebay.

None of them arrived.

Either we have a serious situation in our western society where we can't trust a lot of people, and companies, or, and this second option seems more likely in my mind:::: The government just wants to keep me down, the government wants to prevent me from making a lot of or much extra money.

Either so many people in so many walks of life are so completely dishonest ---- Or the government just doesn't want me to get too rich.

What else could the lack of delivery on two orders and un-reported sales mean?

Of course, maybe it's totally understandable why the government would want to keep me on a lower income::: my life has been full of trouble.

I am recovering from my mental illness, I'm being a good boy again:

But when Youtube explained to me the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath ----

I realized that I had either been a sociopath or borderline or almost a sociopath for so long.

I'm not anymore, I'm recovering, I'm doing a lot better ------

but a guy can only take so much abuse, and apparently too much abuse and trauma can turn a normally healthy person into a sociopath.

I was talking about this to my mom:::: my parents like to tell me I was a "bear" to live with, but they can't accept that I went through so many "abusive" experiences that would cause me to behave that way.

My mom has a complete disconnect from reality here: my Dad says I would be drugged because I was a "bear", or I was really just being very angry and unkind a lot of the time,

but my mom says I am a good person, and refuses to admit that I went through so many abusive and traumatic experiences that would cause me to become a bear.

To be honest, I think my Mom is in denial ---- I could list off a whole list of evils that I had been put through during my younger years ---- my Mom just didn't realize it, or didn't experience it with me.

My mom is completely oblivious to all or most of the abuses I've taken in my life, so she doesn't realize that I may have become a bit sociopathic.

I'm definitely not sociopathic anymore ---- I'm doing well and I'm recovering and I'm happier and life is getting better.....

but because I was so messed up for so long, maybe that's why the government wants to keep me poorer.

All I know is that I would like to eventually move out of my parent's house, but AiSH is nowhere enough to survive with on your own, and I'm gonna need to have a lot of money from sales to continue.

It's just sad how my mom is oblivious to the actual truth about her church, and she's completely oblivious to how badly I was treated for so long during my younger years.

My Dad readily admits I was a "bear", and he realizes both from my testimony and his own personal experience that a lot of people are assholes and life is pain, but my Mom views me a s a good person who never experienced so much pain.

She is in denial. She's really out of it.

She obviously had no idea what I was going through when I was younger.

Well, I'm just going to say this::: I would like to have a tonne of money available to buy a place to live and a car to drive::: I worked, I sold, and I would like to get paid. I don't want to have to live with ADD Dad, Schizophrenic Brother, and In-Denial Mom for the rest of my life.

I would like to have options to move on with my life, and I did my work, so I'd like my fair share.

I don't want to be here forever, but I need the money from my sales to move on. I'm not evil anymore. I just had a really poor upbringing (even if my mom doesn't realize it).