Monday, October 10, 2016

Wishing I had options

Last night I was asking God for ideas for things I could do --- otherwise, I said, He should just kill me in my sleep (again) but rescinded my request for death before I fell asleep because I felt too much drive to continue on with my life.

I'm not so much suicidal as I am just sad at how pointless my life feels, and now this evening I'm feeling sad at how, essentially, unsuccessful I've been in my efforts.

I would like to have options, I kinda don't really want to totally live with my parents in their basement forever.

With the recent economic downturn in Alberta, rental and buying costs of places to live dropped.

I might, maybe, be able to move into an apartment on my own, but it would be difficult on my limited disability income.

I've been working on writing books and video games for the past 6 years with the hopes that I'd hit it rich and be able to move on with my life. 6 years of work, 3 books and 8 video games later and I've achieved practically nothing financially.

If people had just paid me for my work, for my efforts, I could have bought a condo or something. It would have been real sweet.

Even if I didn't get paid enough, if all those people who ripped off Aftermath had paid me for my ebook, I could invest those earnings and make ~$20 in dividends every month from investment, which could really be worth something if I was renting on my own.

I tried. I did.

For whatever reason it is::: my efforts are either completely wasted or almost completely wasted. I can't get away from my parents.

Back in 2001/2002 I would have thought society would have wanted me away from home with how that situation was deteriorating, but I guess everyone has decided to leave me living that way for the rest of my life, hasn't everyone?

If my father didn't give up on the church like I did the home situation would still likely be pretty bad::: and I wouldn't have many or any options to get out, because people don't want me to be with the rockstar who sang about me, nor do they want me to be paid for my actual work, so I can't afford to live anywhere but with my parents.

I suppose, I if I did move out, my Dad might get lonely, and I might get lonely, because my Dad and I keep each other company -----

But it would be nice to have options, options to live somewhere else.

6 years of efforts gone up in smoke. The only financial success I achieved was being able to substantially pay down debt --- but that was the government's doing, not the payment for my work.

This is pretty pathetic. I usually ask for very cheap prices, like $0.99, and people just seem to refuse to pay me anything.

If I could move into my own place --- that would be real nice. But someone or society has decided that I should be stuck living in my parents basement ---- no one seems to realize that it might be good if I got away from my family.

Can't just pay me for my work. That's society's decision.

I guess I'm either a loser or my work sucks.

Or maybe society just isn't trustworthy ----- I've been watching a modern documentary on Netflix, and in this documentary the host makes the assumption that in all likelihood the viewer pirated the documentary.

I mean, a documentary host knew his work would be pirated.

And I'm not getting paid, but I've seen plenty of piracy.

What is the answer?

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