Saturday, October 15, 2016

A Grey Cloud with a Silver Lining

Today my Dad took my brother and I out for a trip in the van, and I brought my laptop with me.

As my brother and Dad were in a store looking for their target item, I was sitting in the parked van, writing the beginning of an email to my old psychiatric nurse, about how depressed I was getting about my life.

I got as far as pretty much saying "I don't like my family and I don't want to live with them anymore" and "if I move out I'll never be rich ---- and no one ever pays me for my work so I can't just buy a place".

Anyway, after writing an email getting that far, which email I didn't send, (yet, we'll see if I do) my brother came back to the van, and I decided to save the email as a draft and shutdown the laptop.

My Dad drove and parked at another location, and as my Dad was out doing something at this other location my brother and I sat in the vehicle and I decided just to start telling my brother how I was feeling.

"I don't like my family, I don't like having to live with my family"

"Life is pointless"

"I have nothing to live for"

"Very few people pay me the smallest price for anything I do"

---- To be honest, life has gotten depressing enough for me again that I kind of don't want to live very much anymore, God seems to keep encouraging me to keep going, but I am more and more inclined to pray for my own death these days.

Anyway, I was telling my brother about how depressed I am that I don't want to be living at home, and I have no good financial options for getting out because people don't pay me ---

And my brother said something that instantly helped me feel better, an encouraging statement "You'll get paid eventually" - he said.

It's strange, with all the mental illness my brother has been exhibiting for the past long while, and how it gets on my nerves, and then when I talk to him about my problems he actually said something nice and encouraging to help me feel better.

Well, it helped me feel better what he said, that eventually I'll start to make money.

So my Dad was driving us home, and I asked him to stop at a convenience store, where I got food, drink, and out of the blue I decided to buy a $1 Scratch n' Win ticket.

Sure enough, my mentally ill brother's prophecy came true::: I won $7. I won two prizes on the same ticket, $5 and $2.

I have to say, I felt real good about having some income there. It just makes me feel good to see money flowing into my hands.

So, I was real depressed for a while, saddened by how I don't like living at home much anymore, how i want to get out but there aren't any really good options for me especially because people don't pay me for my work -

and then my brother helped me feel better by saying I would eventually start earning, and then I even won $7 bucks on a scratch n win -----

so today's gloomy cloud had a silver lining.

I just hope my brother's prediction comes true in a greater sense than just one $7 winner.

It just feels so bad that I would put forth all this effort to write this and build that and no one will be bothered to pay the smallest price for anything. It does make me feel sad, depressed, or bad.

And yeah, I talk to God about it, but I don't expect much from God ---- I've long since learned that God doesn't care so much about making me a rich man, it seems, for whatever reason. Who knows - maybe God wants me living with my parents.

But yeah, I've given God many opportunities to make me a lot wealthier, and his help has been considerably limited. Maybe He does just want me living with my parents.

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