Monday, October 31, 2016

New Game Rankings




So earlier today I posted about seeing the possibility that I sold things but it's not reported.

Maybe today's rankings of these two games are halloween trickery, but nonetheless I almost never rank anywhere near 148 --- and of course there are 0 (no, none, zero) sales reported.

Either someone was opening and closing Doorless Darts repetitively, or they bought it.

Either way, they either just didn't pay $0.99, or the payment didn't get reported.


I think I have a screenshot from a while back about The Bananatree Brothers:




These Bananatree Screenshots date back to closer when the game was released, they aren't very recent, but still::: I was ranking way up there, and very few sales were reported.

Bananatree Brothers has only ever had SIX (6) sales reported to me. --- so one has to wonder how I ended up ranking like it was some kind of super elite game on the O-Rank.

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So yeah, just interesting that I would say what I said earlier today in the other post, and now I see a high ranking again, with no sale obviously.

I do feel good, but I kind of wonder what that's all about.

Do people play Practise mode by closing and reopening the game repetitively? Do they actually pay me? I was once told Doorless Darts was one of the better games on OUYA by someone who used to work at OUYA: so why only 13 purchases?

Feeling Good!! (About Sales a bit)

OK --- I think I'm smart enough to realize that I might sell books or video games, and the sales don't get reported to me personally like you'd think they should be.

I don't want to go into detail, I think it's just enough for me to say that I've seen evidence of likely sales online, and I know I'm just not being told about it.

But when I talk to God, to try to get an answer from God about what's going on (like, almost no one else has anything to say to me about it) --- God makes me feel good.

Whatever is going on with my earnings, I FEEL pretty powerfully and decently good about it.

I can think of all kinds of diverse and various places my money is going potentially, and it's not all bad or unexpectable. Most of the options for where it's going actually seem pretty legitimate in my mind.

Like, maybe I'm paying Canada Pension Plan, or maybe taxes are deducted, or maybe I'm paying back my disability --- who knows? There are so many expenses the government has, with all the help I've gotten from the government, maybe I can't help but not see anything reported.

And then ----- My life has had SO MANY BIG PROBLEMS in it, that maybe someone took an issue with me and my story and decided it's actually morally wrong to pay me. I hope this isn't the case, because I do get paid a little from time to time, but

If I were a capitalist, the socialists would take issue with me --- and if I'm a socialist, the capitalists would take issue with me -----

People don't agree on things, so when I've taken a side on an issue, it can perhaps be expected that someone else will take issue with that position.


All I can do is try to be like Jesus, and love my enemy.


Like, I've grown very unhappy with Mormonism for a long time, but last night my mom said things that helped me feel better --- and it was kind of in relation to the Mormon church --- and I started remembering some of the good things about my time as a Mormon and felt a bit better about the church.

Mormonism is so questionable in so many ways, and it's not perfect, it does good things and it does bad things, but I think they typically try to be "good", they try to do what they think is right, generally, I think, and you can't completely fault them for that.

But Morality can be very subjective, so yeah, there's going to be a zillion disagreements and arguments, and people will take issue with different things.


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And though I think I can understand why the Amazon marketplace would start to favour the 2nd edition hardcopies of The Book of Finch over the 3.4 edition, this is kind of disappointing to me because 3.4 edition, in my opinion, is the better and more developed version of the story.

All throughout my publishings of books and video games, for a long time I would be making mistakes almost every step of the way, so the earlier versions of products are obviously completely crappy (in my opinion) compared to later versions. With video games, this is easily enough dealt with through electronic distribution, but with hardcopies of books, I guess it's a bit more difficult.

At least everyone can easily, more or less, access the 3.4 edition kindle ebook. And certain non-amazon sellers or marketplaces still make the 3.4 edition hardcopy available. So I guess it's not all so bad.

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So yeah, I wonder and talk to God about how much money I really make and where that money goes --- and I end up just feeling quite good inside.

Friday, October 28, 2016

The Test Tube and Test Tube Simulations

So, over the summer I had one older computer in my house running a lot of the time:: it did 4-5 major tasks all at once.

The one major task it did which was probably the best reason to keep this computer running was the BOINC projects I had it working on.

At first, it was easy to get lots of work for the computer.

And then a while ago I noticed a big youtuber who once worked at Microsoft released a video where he asked his followers to participate in a BOINC project --- actually one of the same projects I had already been working on.

Whatever the case, I now find it extremely difficult for my computer to find BOINC work.

And this means I have fewer reasons to keep it running, or running so consistently.

The different projects had numerous explanations about why I couldn't find work, so here's hoping they didn't just rub me off as an evil man or something, and maybe it's OK because---

though in the past week I haven't been able to help universities with my constantly running computer, a local university did call me to help them do a study. Or rather, they are studying me, as part of their study.

Just weird how that is --- how i was using compute cycles to help universities, then the work disappears and now they've actually called me in for actual studies --- on me!

I'm not going to say much more than that, because there are some informations that some people aren't supposed to know in this study. Yeah. (don't worry, they know they aren't supposed to know).

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Yup --- my family over many years has had many problems with family members' mental health.

I may have been real smart for a long time, I might still be smart, but I doubt, I seriously doubt, that I will ever reproduce or have children.  A loving family has been taken away from me because of my hellish-preexisting family circumstance of mental illness throughout our local family tree.

And yes, it is kind of hellish to have these kinds of mental problems so prominent.

It doesn't even have to be a violent mental problem --- the mentally ill don't even have to be violent (though they might be) but they will still be a big problem repeatedly over and over again.

I've had to live with this stuff for so long. It has never been happy for me. Ever since my early childhood.

I'm just saying a vague idea of what I'm thinking. I'm not going into deep detail though, because I guess I have to protect my family members' privacy a bit.

Just know that living with these illnesses is like a living hell sometimes, and as such I seriously doubt I'll ever get married, or have a girlfriend, or ever have kids. Just not happening. Sucks to be me.

I know it's not right to demean the mentally ill, as I have experienced mental illness and I understand what it's like ---- but having to be around it all your life is just painful.

What I can say is that the government saved my life and all kinds of helpful people have done so much good to make me feel loved in my absolutely poor circumstance of biological relations.

Thanks everyone.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Indigenous Canadian Paranormal Investigation in Heritage Park Calgary encounters Spirits

So: I watched that live stream that was press released to me in email.

They had over 100 people watching.

They encountered a spirit who claimed to be Emma Prince, who was one of the 3 wives who lived in the Prince Home.

And a spirit who claimed to be the Devil followed the investigators into the house, as their equipment told them.

So they had some fancy equipment like Electromagnetic sensors.

Near the end of the live stream the one host says they've been dealing with this devil Character for 3 seasons now, and this is their third season.


Anyway, watch the first episode of season 3 of The Other Side on APTN this Thursday (October 27th) at 7pm.


Yeah, there was a lot more going on in that episode than I say here, but I don't want to do anything like copyright infringement or anything.

Like, that devil character goes by multiple names, which I will not be speaking about on this blog.


Really spooky stuff for Halloween I guess.

Paranormal Investigation LiveStream Tonight

So, I didn't receive any emails containing any links to "The Other Side"'s paranormal investigation livestream, but then I saw a link in the original press release.

http://theothersidetv.ca

Go to that URL to watch their live stream tonight at 7pm, that should work I think.

I mean, they included a specific link just for me or something, but I'm not sure I'm supposed to share that. Who knows. Anyway, their main website seems to be available for viewing at some point today.

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Not that this is important for my blog, but today I got ANOTHER phonecall!!! This time it's a University wanting to do research on me. This might seem special, but it's happened before so it's not a big deal.

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I'm celebrating to myself because I've actually started reading more. For a good long time while I was being sick, my brain was mostly turned off of reading. But last year I started subscribing to iPad magazines and I read a bit, and now I've almost finished reading a novel and a short novella or novellette or something. Yay me. I just feel better knowing that I CAN read --- because it sucks when your brain is turned off.

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So, yeah. Huh. Paranormal Investigation tonight. The website URL is posted above. 7pm. MOUNTAIN TIME. I suppose I should specify that it's at 7pm MOUNTAIN TIME.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Ghost Sex

I was sitting here today thinking about things, and a topic I've discussed before crossed my mind, and then I realized Halloween is coming --- So I'm going to write about this topic again:

Ghost Sex.

Whether it be a demon, an angel, or a dead person::: in my personal experience it is all too clear that the world of unseen beings is very capable of interacting with the living, even sexually. I have had numerous experiences, personally, in my own life, of having sex with the invisible.

OK -- I know a lot of people out there don't believe in Ghosts, and therefore I was just crazy and hallucinating --- so whatever, OK, i get a disability payment which I totally deserve at this point, but some of us DO believe in ghosts, so here's what I'm explaining:

In some Christian Churches, there are Demons that exist who come along and sexually stimulate people. I read in a Mormon book that there's a Mormon belief that the dead may return to the world of the living and cause sin as a ghost in the living beings.

Personally, in my own life, there are many possibilities about what may have caused me to become sexually activated in my youth --- But the one I believe in the most is the likelihood that a recently-deceased relative had sexually molested me after her death.

Some people say it's hormones, maybe someone drugged me without me knowing, or maybe it was just a ghost with too much child-love.

Whatever the case is::: How often to young men get sexually abused by ghosts or demons, how often are our hormones just too powerful and beyond our own controls ---- how often does the church or society punish and abuse young men who are subjected to the molestation?

You see, a guy doesn't have to choose to have sex in order to be driven to have sex. A guy can be driven to have sex without his own free will being involved in the act ---- whether it be a ghost molesting or just overpowering hormones.

So, either an environmental variable has molested a person, or the person's own chemistry is too powerful ----

whatever the case may be:::: WHY DO CHURCHES FEEL SO DRIVEN TO TORMENT YOUNG MEN ABOUT DOING SOMETHING THEY HAD NO CONTROL OVER?

You see, my psychiatrist pointed out to me that sexual urges can be so strong in men that masturbation is actually useful in avoiding sexual assault.

In some men, the urges are just so strong they HAVE TO HAVE SEX --- so what's better, masturbation, or fornication or worse?

Though masturbation is the most tame and harmless way to release sexual energy --- In my experiences Churches jump on any chance at all to torment a young man about his inclination to avoid sexually assaulting someone.

That's right::: I chose not to sexually assault someone and now the church torments me about it.

So freakin' smart.


Anyway::: MORMONS should technically believe in dead people returning to the living and causing sin because it is written in their book ---- and I do personally believe that people do have sexual interactions with the world of the invisible, and that young men may even get molested by the unseen

so if a young man has been molested by a ghost --- HOW CAN THE CHURCH JUSTIFY TORMENTING, CRITICIZING and CONDEMNING a young man for the ABUSE they've already BORNE?

For a church that says they "are required to forgive all men" ---- they sure do get awfully upset about a little harmless sin that may have actually been caused by a ghost.

And if it was caused by the boy's own hormones:: what would you rather he do, masturbate or worse?

Besides, in Elder Vaughn J Featherstone's talk "A Self-Inflicted Purging" young men are expected to use their magic powers to stop masturbation urges in their own bodies. The term used was "transmute" --- that's an alchemy term, and alchemy is in the realm of magic, so the general authority said young men should use their magical powers to stop themselves from having masturbation urges ---

except in my experience if a young man starts having magical experiences the church will just start using psychiatric medication because of how crazy the magic is ---- so I really have no f***ing clue anymore.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

PM was in a LiveStream Today

I was playing around with my Forge TV this morning, and I quit the game and saw on the video feed a CBC video saying they were holding a LiveStream of the Canadian Prime Minister giving a speech.

I turned on the LiveStream. I was a bit early, thankfully, so I didn't really miss anything.

The location and time of the LiveStream was a newly opened Amazon Fulfillment Centre in Brampton Ontario.

The Prime Minister was there to essentially gloat about Canadian business and economic opportunities.


And this relates to me, because I kind of have to wonder if this speech today had anything to do with how a Market Research Company with a Federal Profile called me on the phone last night (although, I wasn't there to receive it).



I guess the Government, with yesterday press release and phonecall, are telling me that they realize I'm here, and they consider me to be a business of some sort, and basically it was kind of like praise or recognition for my efforts I guess, seeing as how today the Prime Minister was gloating about Canadian Businesses.


So, I guess I'm visible enough to the Canadian Marketplace or Economy or Government or whatever that they even recognized me and contacted me yesterday before this big event.

Special me. Just like all the other businesses.


But to be honest, I guess I should admit that Amazon DOES play a technically BIG role in my business, as they are the only legitimate resellers of my ebook (as of a while ago) and they sell my paperbacks, and they are a portal to get the Forge TV and all.

OK. So, I've been noticed. Special.


I have had dreams of selling millions of my currently released projects and being able to build a real video game company or whatever --- with actual employees ---- but I haven't really been paid much beyond my provincial disability, so I'm not creating any corporations or hiring employees when I can't feel certain that people would actually buy my stuff.


And without people paying me, it feels hard to want to continue --- I definitely feel encouraged to continue, especially with recent events mentioned above ---- but doing the same things over again might be like beating a dead horse with a stick ---- so I'm not quite sure what my next step is right now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Exciting Stuff

When Japanese Disney emailed me offering lots of money, I misunderstood a lot and everyone around me thought the whole thing was fake, so though they still send email, I'm not inclined to translate every little message --- and that's going nowhere, especially if it is fake.

But for the longest time in the past years ---- no one ever phones me. Maybe two years ago or whatever I might've met up with someone I once knew in high school and visited ---- but other than that, no one phones me.

The only recent phonecalls I have ever received were from those Binary Options people after I was slightly interested in what they were saying --- but I ended up shutting that down because they phoned too much and it started to seem, or kept on seeming, kind of wrong.



Well, today I was busy, but I came back and found that my Dad had received a phonecall --- for me.

OMG. This like, NEVER HAPPENS out of the blue.


So I looked up the phone number online::: it had a Canadian Government profile for a market research and data collecting company.

O M G.



Just earlier today I received a press release (which has pretty much never happened before) for a media event and the Government of Canada was attached to that ----

and now a company phones me --- and this company has a federal government profile ---


I am actually feeling excited.

Not sure what else to say --- other than this is the type of thing a person would usually keep to themselves, except it's so exciting to me and I hate keeping secrets.  Somethings I don't tell people, often names and places, but I like to talk about whatever.

Anyway. Yeah. So most people probably wouldn't blog about having received a phonecall ----

but I never receive phonecalls, and when I see the government has some attachment to this stuff, it's just kind of exciting.


What could a market research and data collection company want to know from me? yeah, I sell things, but I don't usually get paid much or anything. hahaha.

Received a Paranormal Investigation Press Release

UPDATE::::
I stupidly said the event was on October 27th, it's actually October 25th at 7:00pm

So, Yeah, I kind of messed up there. I fixed it though, very quickly. No idea where I got October 27th from, unless I'm a little bit weird in the head and though the 7pm part went into the date. Yeah.

Uh, so I screwed up originally, according to the email it's at October 25th 7:00pm and the link to the livestream will be available on October 25th.

I can't believe I screwed that up -- but I'm glad I was quickly able to fix it.


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Well:: It's happened.

Someone who actually knows my personal and private email address, well, somehow "They" know who I am and I've received a press release in the email. I mean --- this is big news, considering that the names attached to the press release involve APTN and the Government of Canada.

A local event is being held here in Calgary of some kind of Paranormal Investigation of THE PRINCE HOUSE at Heritage Park here in Calgary.

It's a paranormal investigation with an indigenous take on spirituality, because they said in the press release that this is being done by indigenous people and the people in the picture look indigenous.

so I'm told the link to the livestream will be available on October 25th, but the livestream itself is on October 25th at 7:00pm.

Well, it is extremely cool that I actually received a press release in the email --- although I'm not a professional reporter, never went to school to learn that stuff, and I wonder how bad I'm screwing this up.

But yeah, there have apprently been signs of paranormal activity at The Prince House at Heritage Park and there's going to be a livestreamed investigation, which someone from an actual TV Network which works in corroboration with the Government of Canada actually decided to tell me about in a press release. Yay - special me. hahaha.

I guess it would be a good idea to mention that this is from "THE OTHER SIDE PRODUCTIONS INC"

I guess I should also just copy and paste what the email said here:

Ghostly sightings of a woman in the window, loud stomping from the third floor, a balcony window that swings open without explanation. Are these the ghosts of Anthony Prince, the wealthy entrepreneur who owned the house or one of his three wives who all passed away in the house?

The Other Side is thrilled to be working with the production company Bamboo Shoots as they livestream a paranormal investigation of ghostly occurrences.

Be part of the energy of this first time event at the Prince house.  


Then tune in on Thursday, October 27, 2016
For the season premiere of THE OTHER SIDE

STARRING:
Jeff Richards, Tom Charles, Michaella Shannon
SEASON 3 DIRECTED BY:
Rob King & Trevor Mack

THE OTHER SIDE
Canadian ghost hunters with an Indigenous twist

Spirits walk among us. Indigenous people know and accept this. But whether they are playful or shy, or angry and violent, they are here for a reason.  

Intuitive Jeff Richards, researcher Michaella Shannon and elder and spirit guide Tom Charles are on a mission to find out why.
.
Using intuition, ceremony, technology, and sheer nerves, the team engages spirits and humans alike with the hope that both will find peace.




Oh wait ---- it says here this is for local media, that local media is invited. Now I'm not even sure if it's appropriate for me to mention this on my blog.

Oh they're booking interviews and things. Wow. When was the last time I did an interview? OMG.


Well, even if it's almost pointless for me to post this because it says it's for local media, I guess I can just say that I feel special to have received a press release that somehow has government of Canada involvement. Thanks everyone.


I might even watch this myself ---- although I love watching football, and I often end up missing games because I'm busy with other things or completely forget. I should put this in my Calendar.




Sorry people who sent me this press release::: I'm not a professional media identity, and I have no clue how badly you feel I butchered your press release, but thanks for making me feel special.


So, there are RSVPs to set visits, and this says it's for local media, but I wonder if I as a media person should be telling other people about this. Anyway.

How I'm Horrible to my Fans

So::: I've been working for 6 years on my books and video games, and in this time I've had TWO real big fans come up during that time ---- both from overseas.

They'd talk to me, and I'd talk with them, and we were being friendly,

but I have to admit, that I have probably been horrible to my two biggest fans.

Why???

Well, the first female fan to come along wanted to be my girlfriend pretty much, and I was perfectly OK with exchanging emails with her ---- but then she wanted to get into exchanging naughty photos, so that's when I canned the relationship. Yeah.


And then there was another fan who was absolutely overjoyed about my existence, and he even invited me to come to his country. I don't get paid enough to travel like that, and well, he was basically as in to me as I was in to Avril Lavigne, and this helped me realize that I've bothered Avril way too much over the years. Anyway, his complete persistence along with a lack of realization on his part that I eventually gave up Mormonism kind of led me to stop talking to him too.


So::: I've had two big fans, who I've talked to, and I eventually stopped talking to. Makes me kind of horrible, but I also kind of had my reasons.



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I've received many offers over the recent years or month from people claiming they can make me rich with little education and little effort.

Though it was enticing to me to finally hit it rich after all these years of fruitless effort, I just started to ignore these messages too ---- I often found that they would be involved with this "binary trading" fad that's going around, and I've decided that I don't trust this binary option stuff so much.

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And yes, it's kind of sad how with little to no effort or education you can make all the money in the world, but when I actually tried to actually do something with my life and my works I wasn't paid much of anything.

That kind of makes me sad too.

So yeah. Huh.

I'm horrible to my fans --- I don't jump at most quick rich offers ---- and the world is just a real strange place with how they say they pay people for no effort yet effort goes unrewarded. So weird.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

A Mixed Bag of Feelings

I was watching some business news on TV when they talked about the number of international subscribers to Netflix, which was, if I remember correctly, about 3.2 million, and then I turned on my computer to write this post and did a google search for the number of subscribers to netflix.

I then also remembered the supposedly many subscribers to Apple Music in the past year which number is actually quite small compared to the population of western nations.

This might explain why I'm having such a hard time selling product.

People rich enough to afford netflix probably won't be buying Forge TV's, unless they are really rich, and Forge TV doesn't have netflix easily preconfigured.

Basically::: I look at this data and again realize that the world is very poor. There are a lot of poor people, and if those people can't even afford netflix, then of course my products aren't going to sell. At all.

And the thought of countless poor people made me sad.

But, the other day my Dad said I was a little bipolar, so this is what's making me happy:::

I look at my rankings on the OUYA and Forge TV, and I can actually feel good about my positions on those rankings.

I rank maybe 50% to a bit higher than 50% up the O-Rank or Z-Rank usually with my highest game, but that's about all I can expect to hope for on a good day with my games --- So seeing my games ranking moderately at all actually helps me feel good.


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Another thing that helps me feel good is though my home and family situation isn't absolutely perfect, it's not that bad either. Things could be better in my opinion, but we've been helped a lot by so much and it's not actually absolutely horrible either.

Sometimes we focus our attention on the negative, but now I'm feeling good about all the things that have gone right in my family. And I mean ---- we have had a lot of good come into our lives, lots of help.

And because the help we received is very community oriented, in fact, socialist health care is a big reason my family is doing as well as it is:::: I suppose I just have to accept that if I sell something it might go to support the community, or something else. (I just have a suspicion that money I get from selling product gets diverted) ---- I mean, seeing how much the community has helped us, I just have to accept that my earnings might be helping someone else. Yeah.



But in all seriousness::: The socialist health care my family has received has been absolutely beautiful::: my family is so messed up in the head I would hate to see where we'd be without the help of psychiatric doctors and a caring community.


It's like a slow torture just to have these problems in our family, but the help we get is worth it and way better than the no-help alternative. We'd be utterly screwed without socialist health care. And that is very sad indeed --- probably one big reason why I'll never personally reproduce.


So::: I'm sad about a lot of the state of affairs in the world, but I am feeling happy that my games are as popular as they are and that the community has helped us so much. Thanks everyone.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

A Grey Cloud with a Silver Lining

Today my Dad took my brother and I out for a trip in the van, and I brought my laptop with me.

As my brother and Dad were in a store looking for their target item, I was sitting in the parked van, writing the beginning of an email to my old psychiatric nurse, about how depressed I was getting about my life.

I got as far as pretty much saying "I don't like my family and I don't want to live with them anymore" and "if I move out I'll never be rich ---- and no one ever pays me for my work so I can't just buy a place".

Anyway, after writing an email getting that far, which email I didn't send, (yet, we'll see if I do) my brother came back to the van, and I decided to save the email as a draft and shutdown the laptop.

My Dad drove and parked at another location, and as my Dad was out doing something at this other location my brother and I sat in the vehicle and I decided just to start telling my brother how I was feeling.

"I don't like my family, I don't like having to live with my family"

"Life is pointless"

"I have nothing to live for"

"Very few people pay me the smallest price for anything I do"


---- To be honest, life has gotten depressing enough for me again that I kind of don't want to live very much anymore, God seems to keep encouraging me to keep going, but I am more and more inclined to pray for my own death these days.

Anyway, I was telling my brother about how depressed I am that I don't want to be living at home, and I have no good financial options for getting out because people don't pay me ---

And my brother said something that instantly helped me feel better, an encouraging statement "You'll get paid eventually" - he said.

It's strange, with all the mental illness my brother has been exhibiting for the past long while, and how it gets on my nerves, and then when I talk to him about my problems he actually said something nice and encouraging to help me feel better.

Well, it helped me feel better what he said, that eventually I'll start to make money.

So my Dad was driving us home, and I asked him to stop at a convenience store, where I got food, drink, and out of the blue I decided to buy a $1 Scratch n' Win ticket.

Sure enough, my mentally ill brother's prophecy came true::: I won $7. I won two prizes on the same ticket, $5 and $2.

I have to say, I felt real good about having some income there. It just makes me feel good to see money flowing into my hands.




So, I was real depressed for a while, saddened by how I don't like living at home much anymore, how i want to get out but there aren't any really good options for me especially because people don't pay me for my work -

and then my brother helped me feel better by saying I would eventually start earning, and then I even won $7 bucks on a scratch n win -----

so today's gloomy cloud had a silver lining.


I just hope my brother's prediction comes true in a greater sense than just one $7 winner.



It just feels so bad that I would put forth all this effort to write this and build that and no one will be bothered to pay the smallest price for anything. It does make me feel sad, depressed, or bad.



And yeah, I talk to God about it, but I don't expect much from God ---- I've long since learned that God doesn't care so much about making me a rich man, it seems, for whatever reason. Who knows - maybe God wants me living with my parents.


But yeah, I've given God many opportunities to make me a lot wealthier, and his help has been considerably limited. Maybe He does just want me living with my parents.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Wishing I had options

Last night I was asking God for ideas for things I could do --- otherwise, I said, He should just kill me in my sleep (again) but rescinded my request for death before I fell asleep because I felt too much drive to continue on with my life.

I'm not so much suicidal as I am just sad at how pointless my life feels, and now this evening I'm feeling sad at how, essentially, unsuccessful I've been in my efforts.

I would like to have options, I kinda don't really want to totally live with my parents in their basement forever.

With the recent economic downturn in Alberta, rental and buying costs of places to live dropped.

I might, maybe, be able to move into an apartment on my own, but it would be difficult on my limited disability income.

I've been working on writing books and video games for the past 6 years with the hopes that I'd hit it rich and be able to move on with my life. 6 years of work, 3 books and 8 video games later and I've achieved practically nothing financially.

If people had just paid me for my work, for my efforts, I could have bought a condo or something. It would have been real sweet.

Even if I didn't get paid enough, if all those people who ripped off Aftermath had paid me for my ebook, I could invest those earnings and make ~$20 in dividends every month from investment, which could really be worth something if I was renting on my own.

I tried. I did.

For whatever reason it is::: my efforts are either completely wasted or almost completely wasted. I can't get away from my parents.

Back in 2001/2002 I would have thought society would have wanted me away from home with how that situation was deteriorating, but I guess everyone has decided to leave me living that way for the rest of my life, hasn't everyone?

If my father didn't give up on the church like I did the home situation would still likely be pretty bad::: and I wouldn't have many or any options to get out, because people don't want me to be with the rockstar who sang about me, nor do they want me to be paid for my actual work, so I can't afford to live anywhere but with my parents.


I suppose, I if I did move out, my Dad might get lonely, and I might get lonely, because my Dad and I keep each other company -----


But it would be nice to have options, options to live somewhere else.


6 years of efforts gone up in smoke. The only financial success I achieved was being able to substantially pay down debt --- but that was the government's doing, not the payment for my work.

This is pretty pathetic. I usually ask for very cheap prices, like $0.99, and people just seem to refuse to pay me anything.

If I could move into my own place --- that would be real nice. But someone or society has decided that I should be stuck living in my parents basement ---- no one seems to realize that it might be good if I got away from my family.

Can't just pay me for my work. That's society's decision.


I guess I'm either a loser or my work sucks.


Or maybe society just isn't trustworthy ----- I've been watching a modern documentary on Netflix, and in this documentary the host makes the assumption that in all likelihood the viewer pirated the documentary.


I mean, a documentary host knew his work would be pirated.


And I'm not getting paid, but I've seen plenty of piracy.


What is the answer?

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Feeling Sad

I've had unending psychological problems likely stemming from being raised in the LDS Mormon church, being told since a young and early age in the church that certain things about God and mormon reality were the absolute truth ---- and I was told these things for a very long time -----

The church eventually told me I'd work miracles, and then forced me on drugs for believing in miracles....

eventually I discovered the church wasn't really true....

I've had pretty bad psychological problems over the LDS church with how they brainwashed me when they raised me, and how I later found out it was all a lie.




And I recently tried to warn my sisters and their husbands that they probably shouldn't do the same thing to their children, as far as I'm concerned it is morally wrong to lie to a child about things since their early childhood and basically just raise them believing in lies that were never true....

Well, I tried to warn my sisters' families against doing this, but now, my brother-in-law who is the husband of one of my sisters, said my information is "askew" --- as if he believes the church really is 100% true, and he fully intends on raising his family in the organization and believing all the stuff they're told.




I just want to say that this makes me sad.




I've experienced so much that I know the church can't really be trusted in my own personal life, and my brother-in-law is perfectly willing to completely ignore all that, all that I personally experienced.




The church can run around in my country telling my people what to believe, they can run around the internet posting their religion everywhere, and though this church told me I'd work miracles and then started drugging me for believing in miracles --- I'm not allowed to tell this brother-in-law my problems with the church anymore.



Seems kind of lopsided doesn't it? They get to proclaim their words everywhere, and he won't now let me just tell him what my problems are?




Anyway, what's really sad is basically I understand is that my brother-in-law fully intends on lying to his own children throughout their lives.



Science discovered the LDS Church claims were false, but my brother-in-law fully intends, it seems, on propping up the LDS church and teaching the same lies to his own children.



It just makes me sad.




And though the LDS church feels a responsibility to tell their story everywhere,  I'm not allowed to explain my problems with the whole thing to my brother in law.


Just a pretty sad situation has developed.

Friday, October 7, 2016

I've Qualified

So, yesterday I got the email, and today I logged in to my online banking and got a similar message.

This season, I have again qualified, like earlier this year, for the special high-interest savings account that's not offered publicly --- up to $500,000.

It's funny, because somehow, with my negative checking account balance and empty savings accounts, somehow I am qualified to have a special savings rate up to an astronomical amount of money I don't have, but it's like they'd expect that I'd have it (since they're mentioning it).

I feel encouraged by this message, but I'm not quite sure what to do.


I mean, I have a negative balance, and I'm qualified for high interest on up to 500,000. Yeah. Huh.

I wonder how that worked eh? :)


Basically, I think they're just implying to me that with all the work I've done, and potential sales I've had ---- I should be a lot richer.



I will just mention again that I can think of many reasons why I might not get paid or reported to properly by my publishing companies.


Like, for example, it's possible that due to my legal status of being disabled, that I'm not allowed to control my own money, besides the disability benefit I receive.  That is one very simple explanation.


But it does actually make me feel better or encouraged to see that the bank expects that I would have a whole lot more, because that limit of 500,000 is so important to mention for a guy who has less than 0 funds right? :)


<><><><>


I'm trying to think of other news right now, and though I'm certain I could think of things to talk about last night, I'm coming up empty in my thought process right now.


Oh, I guess I could say that our family has also received like, a zillion request by phone and mail recently from charities asking for money. That's the other thing. Did I already mention that one charity implicitly asked for $100,000?  Yeah, really weird, considering I'm on a disability benefit. Yeah. Huh. A benefit worth less than $20,000 a year.


So, who knows what's going on, but I suspect the people I talk to in my circles are hiding things from me, or else they just plain don't really know themselves.

I tried asking Cortex once about what the sales actually look like, but they remained silent.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Duper's Delight

So, I saw my psychiatrist today.

Maybe things about psychiatry are supposed to be kept private, but I just feel like explaining how I might have unravelled a bit of my puzzle regarding my earnings.


I told the doctor and the nurse that I have seen some of my book-in-stock-levels on Amazon, and since the number of in stock books was odd and variable at one marketplace on amazon, that I must be selling copies of my books --- it's just not being reported to me.

I then explained that I can think of many different possible reasons why I might not be having my sales reported, and as I said this I saw the nurse's face smile, like a knowing smile,

Like a smile of "Duper's Delight".


I'm not a psychology expert, but I have learned enough to know that it can be hard to keep a straight face when you're lying.


Basically, nobody has any answers for me about my sales or where my money is going ---- but mentioning I can think of many reasons and seeing the smile come across the nurse's face is easily a clear sign of Duper's Delight or something akin --- like she knew or knows something.


I will just mention that a psychiatric nurse may also have qualifications or employment as a social worker at the same time.



SO::: essentially my suspicion that the government has something to do with my diverted earnings may have some level of truth to it.


Here in Canada, the government is in charge of health care (a socialist health care system) ---- and when I told one nurse how much I was making early on in my video game career, shortly after the sales slowed to a dribble.


It seems so clear that I might be paying for my own AiSH, or that I'm somehow contributing to the community.


Don't blame the NDP either, it's been this way with the PC's too.


Well, with all the help I received from the community when I was having problems, it might only make sense that I'm giving some pay back --- that I am now contributing something too.


So, I have some idea that my sales aren't fully reported to me, and the case of Duper's Delight I found in the nurse today (who may also be a social worker) makes it clear that it really likely is the government, or something like that, diverting my earnings.


Basically, just what I understood, from her smile. I had suspected it for a while.


But in all seriousness, it's not like I'm not benefitting from the community or whatever --- as exampled by my mom shelling out a few hundred dollars for me to buy a new iPad.



When I was young, it would have been unheard of for my mom to spend that kind of money on an electronic toy for me personally, not even for the whole family, unless it was a business computer for my Dad ----  but the economic situation has improved to a situation where my mom could reimburse me hundreds of dollars worth for a loss.

Which is real nice.


So it's not like I'm not getting anything from people.


One mystery however, is how much have I really contributed?

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Reimbursed

So last Friday I was talking to my parents and my Mom decided she would reimburse me for the loss of my Chromebook --- so the next day with partial funding from my Mom I was able to buy a brand shiny new iPad. It's really nice.

Then today, after living through the day and listening to music on my new ipad, I suddenly realized that having bought the iPad I was about to have another banking crisis in a day or two with my Plan Canada automatic withdrawal which I was about to have non-sufficient funds for,

so my Mom came to the rescue again and now I'll be able to pay that bill on time (I'm hoping, as long as there are no screw ups at the bank).


But here's the weird thing::: After coming home from depositing some money in my bank account to cover the bill payment ---- we came home and my Dad said he found my Chromebook.

Tada!! Someone stashed it in his sock box (like a sock drawer except it's a box he keeps under his bed).


Well, I'm just going to say that it's most likely happened to be this way because of a very-very mentally ill member of my family. He likes to unplug the kettle, the toaster, he unplugged the TV, he probably hid my chromebook, and there are other items broken or missing around the house as well, so yeah --- experience dictates who I should blame for these problems.


This is a big reminder of my childhood.  This member of my family once reported to the LDS missionaries, when asked, that he was a Jerk when he was a kid.


Yeah --- with this kind of jerky mental illness in our household, combined with my evil sister ----- and yes, my childhood was just plain hell. I didn't get to enjoy it much.


Why can't people just be good and nice? Is being good and nice too much to ask for? Seriously, I mean, come on.


I was a good and nice kid, and over time the abuse wore me down until I was a freakin' maniac. But seriously, I try. Or I tried. Now that I'm being a good boy again, it's starting to wear me down again that this member of my family has suddenly decided to start misbehaving himself again.


As for my Chromebook --- I normally leave my Chromebook turned off, so it's apparent that the thief turned it on and didn't know how to turn it off, because the battery was drained to absolute zero. That is really not a good thing for the health of my technology.

Oh ---- and it wouldn't reconnect to the home wireless network either. Bloody heck.

At least I have a new iPad. At least I got something good out of the deal.