This morning I was looking at the rankings of my Cortex games, and I figured that my lowly ranked games indicated that people hate me.
My mom said it was because people maybe didn't like my games so much rather than me myself as a person, because they don't know me.
Eventually I figured it might be because I try to charge money for my work and people don't like paying ----
whatever the case, it's disheartening that I rank so lowly so almost completely consistently.
I decided I was gonna try some more binary trading. I asked God for help.
I asked him to tell me correctly whether I should "call" or "put" --- to help me make money.
So, I deposited my money, and made one trade with all those funds::: "God" "told" me to "call" --- I called, and that turned out to be the wrong answer.
My immediate response was to start cursing God.
"God, you f***ing idiot, I asked you for help and you LIED to me".
Maybe it wasn't God talking to me, but then again, it should have been God talking to me since He was who I was praying to.
God was deliberately giving me the wrong answers in binary trading. God isn't helping me achieve status on the Cortex Rankings.
It's like GOD wants me to fail. He's supported me so much in my life, so many times in my life previously I was able to call on God and get his support to do things -----
but now it's not working out so well, it's like he's turned against me. I wonder exactly why.
Yes, I realize it could be as simple as there's a bunch of other people out there praying for him to turn against me ---- an explanation as simple as that might be the answer -------
Anyway. Yeah. I've tried loving God. And even if on occasion he does help me, in so many ways my life has been so entirely effed up from start to today that I wonder if God just happens to love playing mean tricks on me --- or maybe the world hates me, it's just like someone has hated me since birth.
Actually, last night I saw the new Ghost Busters movie, and in that movie the one Ghost Buster comments that everyone treats each other like crap generally all the time on a regular basis, to paraphrase.
Maybe I shouldn't feel particularly picked on ----- the human race in general is just so shitty that they are commenting in a movie that this is how things regularly are in life, if I remember the movie correctly.
And maybe God is to blame ----- if God is in charge of this world, he's obviously not a very good God if the world just happens to be this absolutely shitty.
Growing up as a Mormon I was taught that GOD NEVER LIES. He will always tell the truth.
I know, and have known, for a long time that this does not appear to be the actual situation. I think GOD withholds and deceives an awful lot --- just like this time I asked him for help and he gave me the wrong advice.
Who knows, if that thought in my head was even God ----- I do well enough at telepathy to know such things are absolutely real, I do get wrong answers, but generally speaking I know that mental communication is real ----- and basically, talking to God, I somehow received false information.
Anyway, yeah, today just sent me over the edge and I've finally begun to curse God. I asked for help --- and I got the wrong advice. God should be able to beat 50/50 odds pretty repetitively, I mean, in my telepathy tests I beat really hard odds over and over again, and yet on a 50/50 test GOD FAILED.
I can't be-fucking-lieve this.
It's like God wants me to fail and isn't interested in helping me succeed.
Maybe the world is against me, maybe people are generally just evil in general ---- but it seems so interesting how I'm absolutely unable to succeed in my life and work.
People won't pay me for my books, my games consistently rank lowly, God lies to me in binary trading?
What exactly did I do so wrong to deserve this? I'm sure it might be something, but I wish I could be told what I did wrong, so I could remedy the situation. Of course, if it's because I'm deliberately ignoring girls and God wants me to reproduce, that might be a difficult one to remedy, but who knows.
As a kid I would often ask my sister or my family "what did I ever do to deserve this treatment?" (treatment generally received from my sister) ---- it wasn't that I did anything so wrong, it's just that some people are generally evil in their natures.
God f***ed up.