Friday, June 24, 2016

My Dopamine foul up

So, from all the learning I've done in my life, I've learned something about a chemical called Dopamine in the brain that handles the brain's reward system, Dopamine is some kind of rewarding chemical in your brain.

And I know back when I was originally diagnosed with my mental illness that the doctors said I had a dopamine problem.

And I watched a father's day video on facebook that showed a father explaining to his son how hard work gets rewarded with the weekly quarter and is supposed to make you feel good about working, which is an essential part of life.

I am now going to explain my thoughts on where my dopamine fuck up may have came from:::

You know how I like to say my sister wasn't an asset to me when I was growing up? I remember this happened as a child:::

My Dad was unemployed. In order to make money, my parents, along with us children, would go on long delivery routes for flyer delivery. Basically, our family was so effing poor that we resorted to the extra-low-pay job of flyer delivery.

And each time we went on this excursion, us kids would be paid only a measly 2 dollars each --- which can be explained because my parents needed the money and the job really didn't pay very well.

Well, a perk of the flyer delivery is that our parents took us to a local convenience store to buy us drink refills from the fountain, in order to hydrate our exhausted little bodies as well as just offer the joy of some extra special food (believe me, it's the saddest thing ever, but when you are that poor, some soda pop is actually an extra treat).

Anyway, personlly, on this one occassion, I WAS SO EXHAUSTED from the work that I decided that I would just sit and rest in the vehicle while my mom and sisters got our fountain drinks. I told them what drink I wanted.

Anyway, when my sisters finally brought the drink back to me ---- I found that my sisters decided to fill the cup entirely to the top with ICE. That meant there was very little room for actual drinking fluid.

I just want to say ---- just remembering that, even today, is one of the most frustrating experiences that still affects my mind to this day with how stupid it was. All that work. I'm too exhausted to leave the vehicle. We spend that much money on this treat ---- and the treat is close to absolutely worthless in it's value because it's just ice with very little drink. EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING.

I mean, I did all that work without much reward at all. The beginning of the dopamine fuck up.

And as my dad was so unemployed growing up, didn't matter how good I did in school, there were little to no rewards for my efforts.

I was one of the top students --- I was once or twice even told I was THE TOP STUDENT at school.

Most kids have parents that offer the kids rewards for their good grades, such as money or a prize for aceing an exam or even just to improve.

Me? I was consistently one of the best students at school, and my parents had no prizes to offer me. We were so poor we couldn't even afford the tasty breakfast cereal.

It eventually got to the point were I was becoming an adult, and my sisters were still in their mode of deliberately trying to drive me insane. That is actually what they said they were doing, and they did it with their friends --- and they succeeded.

Anyway, so basically I did all kinds of work in my life, I was one of the best students, and even that little reward of being able to play video games for a while eventually got ruined.

I think someone tried to help me by letting Avril Lavigne help me feel good by making her sing about me ---- but even then my church's bishop had to eff that up.

So, in the end, I had an extreme dopamine fuck up because I was always trying so hard, even verbally respected as one of the best students ------ and never got rewarded much, and in fact only found pain at the hands of individuals around me everywhere, even in my own family.

So - I'm mentally ill. I don't deny it now.


But I'm recovering from my mental illness I think --- I look at the past month or two and realize I've had ideas to go out into the world and do some things, things I think I"d like to do. This is a change, this is a good change, I feel like I have some chance of starting to achieve in life again.

I thought for a bit on this blog about running for Parliament ---- and then later I had an idea for a business I might try starting.  Both good or interesting ideas, although I wonder if it's more than I can chew, and the other part is that in order to do these things I would need a great deal of support from the community. So, the chances of success are variable ----- but it's very interesting that I've started dreaming that big again and even feel motivation to maybe even try.

Alright. So, there. I'm mentally ill because of a dopamine problem in my brain, and this blog post tries to explain some reasons why that might've happened and how I am now also in a state of seeming recovery. yay.

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