I didn't have much going on today, so I turned on the Soccer game on tv, but as I watched the soccer game, I knew that the back of my mind (maybe it's my subconscious? dunno) was still thinking about and processing thoughts and ideas about my time and experience with LDS Mormonism.
It's pretty ridiculous. I've gone through it all before. I know what I know, and nothing really changes a lot of my conclusions,
it's just that my brain is like a broken-record, even in the back of my head while I'm watching a soccer game --- just constantly replaying the same old stuff over and over again.
Maybe this is normal for mental illness --- but it's what makes me ill, I'm guessing - the fact that it's so difficult just to leave in the past and forget about.
The one improvement is that I felt no great urge to bother my Dad with the details. It was enough for me just to tell him that it was constantly replaying in my mind.
I was thinking about posting the above, but then I thought I might as well try to get my mind off it and watch a Youtube video on whatever Youtube fed me in my feed.
Just last night I sent an email to my grandparents talking about a speculation I have about the money I make, and like clockwork Google had a video or two in the feed on the topic of making passive income.
I watched a video about 10 ways to make passive income. I've already tried a number of these methods, and it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get much. The only real one that worked for me so far is the investment income he mentioned.
Amazon ebooks --- not much.
Selling a killer app --- not much.
Advertising on blog --- not much.
It's not that I don't get paid, it's just that the flow of money is a tiny little trickle. I might sell a video game once every month or two at the current rate.
So, seeing this guy gloating about all the money he makes and his success, I sit here having feelings about how I can't seem to make it work.
It's like a mix of heart wrenching and soul crushing to see no income for work that really should be selling.
But after I watched the video, considering how bad it feels that I've done so much work and I hardly sell anything, a thought told me:
"You'll get paid eventually - it just takes a while to count all the pennies".
The thought said something like that. I do believe in telepathy and stuff like that, so I know I didn't think this thought to myself --- it's like an angel was whispering into my brain here or somesuch,
and just hearing this thought telling me I WILL eventually get paid actually gave me great comfort.
I was having bad feelings about barely making money, and I'm just noting that a thought I heard, as though from my mental illness or from an angel, saying that I would eventually get paid, brought me comfort, and I didn't feel so bad anymore.
Hopefully I'm not "jinxing" my chances by posting that news on the internet, but it's what happened so I'm just saying.
Other things that were on my mind today is just how broken life and social relationships are and have been through out my experience ---- it's like since almost Day 1 of my birth things have been going wrong in my life.
Besides thinking about the history with the church, my mind also just reviewed a bit about just how painful childhood was for me. those thoughts weren't nearly as persistent or annoying as just remembering the church though.
So, I'm trying to get on with my life, but every step of the way I appear to just face and never ending stream of pain, even up to today where I don't see many sales reported while other guys are so completely successful.