Thursday, June 30, 2016

A Misunderstanding

I was just having some thoughts, probably repetitiously:::

The LDS church is/was absolutely against masturbation. To be a good Mormon, you must absolutely never masturbate.

So, if the LDS church didn't want me to masturbate, then obviously I was supposed to go seek out a female - wasn't I?

Apparently not --- No masturbation, and they won't even let you be friends with the ladies either, in or out of the church.


So: what's a guy to do?


The LDS church will tell young men that it's absolutely essential and even totally necessary to completely avoid sex of any kind (including masturbation) until marriage, and if no marriage then no sex ever, unless it's a "nocturnal emission".


I know this is a blatant lie. It is absolutely impossible in my experience to avoid sex between 14 and into the early-mid-late 20's. Personally, I just masturbated a tonne --- but it was all I could do, and I knew that I absolutely had to do it.



Anyway ---- this whole church process of shaming young men about masturbational tendencies and then not even letting them be friends with the ladies, is, in the words of myself and my father: Bullying and abuse.


My Dad even let me know that I wasn't the only boy at church who was getting bullied by the powers that be. I don't have any more details on that though.


Actually, I remember two boys from my group who did go serve LDS missions: but from my own relationship with one on facebook, he is somehow involved in some way with the gay community now and the other boy is also rumored to have some involvement with the gay community now too.


So::: the church's plan to keep us away from the ladies has back fired! Aha! Bastards.


So, I suppose in the end the church was never really true, no matter how many of them got up, stood in front of everyone and declared their imaginary knowledge of the church's truth.


Anyway. It's been a while since I've examined mormonism in depth, to the point of totally disproving it --- I was just having memories of how they treated us --- the only answer was 'no sex at all', yet our bodies wouldn't operate that way.



And it's kind of sad for me ---- because me, and the other men of my family, have come to realize that the LDS church is a completely unnecessary waste of time we really don't want to be involved with - the church was disproved essentially,


but the women of our family haven't figured that out yet.


For a while I was really frustrated that some members of my family haven't figured it out yet, but then I realized that it is, believe it or not, just the way the female mind works.

It was reported at one time in past years by an LDS church official that men were dumping the church at faster rates than women were, so yeah, the inability to dump the church is just a female thing altogether apparently, not just the logical fallacy of my family's brains.


And yes, I have to say ----- after all the poor treatment I've received from women throughout my life, and now the way my mom and sisters can't seem to figure out how wrong the church is, well, that's pretty much the reason(s) why I don't care to get married, besides being too poor etc.


It seems so sexist for me to say that ---- but no, experience does tell me that women can be freakin' crazy, and then official church statistics and my own family experience show that women actually slower on the uptake of the knowledge and information on certain issues. So there.

Turks and Caicos maybe?

That odd phone call yesterday which might have been Mauritius - did some more searching and found maybe it was the 'People's Democratic Movement' in Turks and Caicos Islands in the Atlantic.

There is an Ambergris Cays nearby, so that might relate to the Finch novel by that other guy.

It's too bad I spend so much time alone, not used to much socializing and a bit scared or anxious to talk on the phone - that might've been an interesting call if I didn't freak out!


UPDATE::::


I told my Dad about this phonecall, and he just had me look up the call history and look for the phone number on line ------


it turns out the phonecall came from an Albertan Charity for Disabled People, and the Chronic Pain thing has been mentioned before ---- although, apparently there is this "hanging up" thing going on (just like me!).

Anyway, so it's an Albertan Charity for Disabled People, and from what I got from when they introduced themselves, I ended up thinking they came from an island nation because they didn't claim to be themselves - they claimed to be the health ministry of PDM --- which could easily be Turks and Caicos -----

but according to the phone number look up, it was just a charity for the disabled. :)

Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? I'm really not sure what to think actually.  Because, one is so quick to automatically assume "scam" on the phone like this, but there may be some level of MAYBE validity to what they were trying to do with me. That's a BIG maybe.


So yeah, Albetan Charity for Disabled People called me up, claimed to be the health Ministry of the PDM -- which is a different organization in a different country. That's the best I can come up with about this so far.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Interesting Telephone Call Today (I got a little freaked)

I got an interesting telephone call today:

Usually, my family is very good about screening calls: If we don't recognize the number, we often let it go to voice mail, which often results in nothing because so many marketers or whoever call and don't leave messages.

Well, this time when the phone rung, I was standing next to the phone, and my parents were like "ANSWER IT!!!" --- and there was absolutely an unusual air about the situation like I should pick up the phone.

The number, I did not recognize on the call display, but it said it was albertan so I picked up.

It almost seemed like an automated message, although it might not've been - it's hard to be sure.

"I'm from the health ministry of the pdm" (it was something like that -- I think I remember the acronym was "pdm")

I was like "what is pdm?"

And without making any attempt of answering my question, the voice said something about "We have understood that someone in your family is experiencing [such and such types of health problems, including 'chronic pain' as one mentioned]..."

At this point, I immediately thought I didn't exactly personally recognize these problems, although it's possible someone in my family has pain issues, but I got a little freaked out by that whole thing so I just immediately hung up.

I'm introverted, and with my mental disability comes some anxiety (hence all the phone screening), so I wasn't interested in discussing health issues with a health ministry of some acronym I didn't even know what it was.




Well, after I saw my psychiatrist today, I was riding around and I realized something:::: Just a day or two ago, someone or some people from MAURITIUS, the ISLAND COUNTRY near Africa in the Indian Ocean, had been going through my blog --- this week Mauritius is my blog's biggest visitor.



And then - it dawned on me:::: what if "PDM" stood for "Police Department of Mauritius"??? OMG.


I mean, I don't know for certain, but that is kind of getting freaky on me there. There's been all this stuff going on, and now I'm in big trouble or something for making a game about a violent individual on a tropical island::::

But in all seriousness, the four main characters of Coconuts versus Bananas are blue, red, yellow and brown.

I made Carl CocoPalm brown at the suggestion of a family member --- to make him the same colour as a Coconut ---- but he WAS originally GREEN ------- which means the characters almost became the colours of the flag of Mauritius.




All in all, these days it's hard to trust anybody who just emails you or calls you on the phone --- So maybe this phonecall was nothing, maybe it was something --- I just got a little freaked out by it.



But, considering that my blog had many visits from Mauritius in the past week, and that this Health Ministry of PDM might have something to do with "M" being Mauritius in the acronym, I wonder what kind of trouble I just got myself into.




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As for my visit with the psychiatrist today, I just talked about similar things on this blog, like how absolutely effed up my life has been.


When I got my injection, I talked to the injection nurse about a recent experience I had which I like to explain as happening to exist because of phenomena like telepathy. It's happened over and over again.


These days, thank God, the doctors and the nurses do not at all argue with me about telepathy, it is understood to be likely real (believe it or not).

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Got a new Hat

On the topic of how messed up the reward system is (in relation to the dopamine eff up):

Another problem is that the LDS church I grew up in was constantly indoctrinating us on the value of "service" work, which is essentially doing a bunch of hard labour for no money. It was technically slavery ---- but yeah, we were told to feel good about working without reward, and then they would tell us to give them 10% of our incomes. Something is really messed up about that.

And I try working on books and video games, and though this is legitimately considered to be work in my mind, somehow, in the Mormon tradition, I'm not getting paid for it.


What I am happy about though --- and this is a final resort option I guess, and is technically not the way we should be running an economy but is the way it's turning out because of how hard it is to get paid for actual work --- is this "binary trading" thing.


A bunch of blog posts ago I posted about my experience making 50% on binary trading investment in one day, and then losing it all very quickly.



I tried the binary trading thing again. I turned $10 into a few hundred dollars, and withdrew most of that money, except I tried trading some more and lost the remainder.


It's very easy to make a big profit in binary trading, but it's also very easy to lose everything. It's pretty much 50/50 chances each time you do it. I can be very profitable, or a lose all total investment situation. I got a bit lucky a couple weeks ago.



And I bought a hat. My old hat was getting sweat-stained and oily and I didn't totally like it anymore, as well as a hint from my Mom that it was time for a new hat.


So I was happy to go to a store today where I found a nice new hat that was totally better than the last one.


This new hat cost $120.


Realize, how good I feel about how I could afford to buy and own and now wear this hat. It feel good, I'm happy with the situation.



But before in life, it didn't matter how hard I worked on anything I did --- church expected me to work for free while paying tithing, my parents couldn't afford crap --- didn't matter how hard I tried, the best I could expect in life back then was the $50 for birthday and Christmas from my grandparents.


And yes, I did actually buy a cheap-cheap-fedora back then, which got ruined by the rain very quickly, and that cheap cheap fedora practically took up all my spending money.


So really, I could never have afforded a $120 hat as a kid, and that would've been a blow to my psyche --- and the hat I did buy took up all my spending money and ended up being a cheap piece of crap anyway.


So yeah, I had a dopamine fuck up. Didn't matter how hard I tried as I kid, I would never have gotten the kind of hat I have now.


And yes, this is a broad-brimmed hat, and is way better than a fedora. Fedoras seem cool because Indiana Jones wore one ----- but I'd say that this hat I got today is like so much better than a felt fedora. So much better. And it's at least twice the price of a fedora too. :)


Anyway, yeah, just a bit more on the dopamine fuck up. And using my new hat as an analogy, the hat makes me feel good to have, and I could never have such a thing as a kid no matter how hard I tried.



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PS ----- I've also previously noted that I don't get paid the smallest price for actual work I do, while I was constantly running into people on the street asking for pretty much free handouts for quite a while in the past years.


If I suddenly have success with binary trading and have some money for myself that way --- leave me the fuck alone, go binary trade yourself your way to your own fortune. Using IQ Option, it wasn't too hard to go from $10 to a few hundred dollars in just an hour or two.

Friday, June 24, 2016

My Dopamine foul up

So, from all the learning I've done in my life, I've learned something about a chemical called Dopamine in the brain that handles the brain's reward system, Dopamine is some kind of rewarding chemical in your brain.

And I know back when I was originally diagnosed with my mental illness that the doctors said I had a dopamine problem.

And I watched a father's day video on facebook that showed a father explaining to his son how hard work gets rewarded with the weekly quarter and is supposed to make you feel good about working, which is an essential part of life.



I am now going to explain my thoughts on where my dopamine fuck up may have came from:::


You know how I like to say my sister wasn't an asset to me when I was growing up? I remember this happened as a child:::


My Dad was unemployed. In order to make money, my parents, along with us children, would go on long delivery routes for flyer delivery. Basically, our family was so effing poor that we resorted to the extra-low-pay job of flyer delivery.

And each time we went on this excursion, us kids would be paid only a measly 2 dollars each --- which can be explained because my parents needed the money and the job really didn't pay very well.

Well, a perk of the flyer delivery is that our parents took us to a local convenience store to buy us drink refills from the fountain, in order to hydrate our exhausted little bodies as well as just offer the joy of some extra special food (believe me, it's the saddest thing ever, but when you are that poor, some soda pop is actually an extra treat).

Anyway, personlly, on this one occassion, I WAS SO EXHAUSTED from the work that I decided that I would just sit and rest in the vehicle while my mom and sisters got our fountain drinks. I told them what drink I wanted.

Anyway, when my sisters finally brought the drink back to me ---- I found that my sisters decided to fill the cup entirely to the top with ICE. That meant there was very little room for actual drinking fluid.

I just want to say ---- just remembering that, even today, is one of the most frustrating experiences that still affects my mind to this day with how stupid it was. All that work. I'm too exhausted to leave the vehicle. We spend that much money on this treat ---- and the treat is close to absolutely worthless in it's value because it's just ice with very little drink. EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING.

I mean, I did all that work without much reward at all. The beginning of the dopamine fuck up.



And as my dad was so unemployed growing up, didn't matter how good I did in school, there were little to no rewards for my efforts.

I was one of the top students --- I was once or twice even told I was THE TOP STUDENT at school.

Most kids have parents that offer the kids rewards for their good grades, such as money or a prize for aceing an exam or even just to improve.

Me? I was consistently one of the best students at school, and my parents had no prizes to offer me. We were so poor we couldn't even afford the tasty breakfast cereal.




It eventually got to the point were I was becoming an adult, and my sisters were still in their mode of deliberately trying to drive me insane. That is actually what they said they were doing, and they did it with their friends --- and they succeeded.


Anyway, so basically I did all kinds of work in my life, I was one of the best students, and even that little reward of being able to play video games for a while eventually got ruined.


I think someone tried to help me by letting Avril Lavigne help me feel good by making her sing about me ---- but even then my church's bishop had to eff that up.





So, in the end, I had an extreme dopamine fuck up because I was always trying so hard, even verbally respected as one of the best students ------ and never got rewarded much, and in fact only found pain at the hands of individuals around me everywhere, even in my own family.


So - I'm mentally ill. I don't deny it now.




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But I'm recovering from my mental illness I think --- I look at the past month or two and realize I've had ideas to go out into the world and do some things, things I think I"d like to do. This is a change, this is a good change, I feel like I have some chance of starting to achieve in life again.



I thought for a bit on this blog about running for Parliament ---- and then later I had an idea for a business I might try starting.  Both good or interesting ideas, although I wonder if it's more than I can chew, and the other part is that in order to do these things I would need a great deal of support from the community. So, the chances of success are variable ----- but it's very interesting that I've started dreaming that big again and even feel motivation to maybe even try.


Alright. So, there. I'm mentally ill because of a dopamine problem in my brain, and this blog post tries to explain some reasons why that might've happened and how I am now also in a state of seeming recovery. yay.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

A bit of constitutional law

When I was growing up, I quickly learned that my Dad had little respect for certain individuals "in charge" and the laws they created, and even to this day I view him as having a mental problem or issue where he needs to respect others more. I'm serious.

Anyway, I grew up heavily influenced by my father, but the Bible told me to rebel from my Dad --- and that did even seem like a good idea at the time. Jesus is way smarter than my Dad. Believe me. I'm probably smarter, in numerous ways, than my own Dad is.

Anyway --- one of the laws that my Dad heavily criticized when I was growing up, which I have learned to absolutely love, is the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

The Charter is legally applied as a CONSTITUTIONAL LAW ---- which means that it takes precedent over all other laws in the country, and is essentially a "trump" card in all legal issues, as I would say.

Anyway, at the very beginning of the charter, it says:

"

CANADIAN CHARTER OF RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS

 Whereas Canada is founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of God and the rule of law:



"


Did you see that?

I know, a lot of people I've been around probably never even read their Charter rights, and the part that I'm about to discuss, many people never even took seriously,

but for me, this is absolutely serious.

The law states "...recognize the supremacy of God..."

So, there you have it::: The LORD GOD is constitutionally enshrined as the supreme leader of Canada, and I personally find this to be a beautiful thing.

He's above the Prime Minister, ranked higher than the Governor General, and as the feudal system would likely dictate, he's ranked above the reigning Monarch as well.


So, Canada is God's country. It's right there in the country's highest law.



I am aware that any number of religions might make any number of false or potentially false claims about God --- and this is a concern to me ---- but hopefully God will get this nation straightened out about the actual truth of things sometime.



The reality of an existent God has made itself heavily evident in my own life, eyes and experience, so of course this simple mention in the Charter is extremely important.


And this post is basically just a post to let people know that this is the actual legal situation in Canada --- a lot of people probably didn't take it seriously, but for a guy like me this is absolutely serious.



I was wondering what I could possibly post on my blog that might have any worth of talking about, and after a while of thinking, this topic crossed my mind as something I could say.


It's pretty interesting and cool to me.


Too bad my Dad has so many political issues. Oh well, life goes on.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

My Philosophy/Values

For the past longest time, I've been trying to follow the teachings of "The Secret" in my life, and one of the things I do is have thoughts about and repeat the following words over and over again in my mind. It's what I'm thinking, so it's the universe I'm creating:

"Happy, Healthy, Wealthy, Righteous, Loving, Peaceful".

I try to have a positive attitude and to think good things. I'm trying to live in a good world, great place.

I have thought about adding "Free" or "Freedom" to that list --- but there is a big debatable question mark here, because though freedom is a good thing, some people abuse their freedoms, so it kind of stops being a good thing with some people.

I suppose, in the end "Free" makes sense ----- but seriously, I am cautious about this because some people really do just abuse freedoms.

Free is good in so many ways, but Freedom technically could mean anything that could ever happen or exist --- and this technically might not be a good thing.

It's a tough debate, that I must think about and have with myself.


But for now, my key values are as stated above.

1. Happy ---- I am actually pretty happy, I even manage to mostly forget about the problems of the past now.

2. Healthy ---- Even if I weigh about or over 400 pounds, I am actually still reasonably healthy anyway I am sure.

3. Wealthy ----- I might not be making much from sales from my work, but I do have a pretty comfortable life compared to all those people in my area who I heard about who went into "insolvency" (that's bankruptcy).

4. Righteous ------ Depends on your moral values, but I do generally typically try just to be a good person as I understand being a good person. Also involved may be trying to get things right, or typically to be a true and faithful, however you define "faithful", but true nonetheless, to the best of my ability.

5. Loving ------- I am actually pretty good about this, I mean, I don't hate anyone anymore, even if I have bad memories and find some serious annoyance. I might empathically feel unloving feelings, but I do not act on them, nor do I have any reasonable quality in my mind to understand them. I try to be good to all people, even if I don't typically like them from their previous history in my life.

6. Peaceful ------ Believe it or not, now that I'm an adult and I'm not being faced with constant lies and criticism, I am finding it very easy to live peacefully. I haven't "hurt" anyone for a long time. I don't think I have at least. And even in past times when I might've hurt someone, usually it's in response to some kind of completely unreasonable behaviour, such as someone being dishonest and expecting me to believe them. When someone lies to me, you can't just expect me to accept what they say, and if they push it, then I might end up fighting back ------ but that hasn't happened for a long time, so I am living peacefully.



So, I just hope to think good thoughts and live and be positive and be good in the world, living a wonderful life, essentially.


Things have gotten a lot better since I was young.


A main problem with being young is that many youngsters haven't yet figured out how to be good. It's sad, but in my experience that's the truth.


I'm getting older, and life has gotten much better.

Thank God.

Saying in my Defence

I don't want to go into a great deal of detail on this blog about what happened this past week, but I will say that something happened that kind of resembles something that's happened before in my life's experience, and I'm just going to explain that this occurrence I don't think was my fault or doing.

I have no memories of praying for anything like what happened, I didn't have any plans, it wasn't my idea.

I do personally recognize this as the sort of thing that has happened before in my life, but this wasn't me this time. It's just relate-able in its nature.

If it was me, then I've completely forgotten, because I had no idea or plans of this ever happening, as far as my mind is aware right now.

And this, this is getting kind of eff'd up again.

I blame God for stuff like this. Maybe you could blame "The Devil" --- who knows. I don't know. It's just weird.

And yeah, it's messed up.

I would like to live a happy and free and good life ---- but invariably things have been going wrong, and who knows what to expect.


I didn't even know this had happened until days after. So weird. What more can I say?

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Niece's Party

Today I spent some time at my young niece's party with her friends.

For a while at this party, I was indoors talking to "siblings" about an idea I suddenly had at that moment for a new business. The kids were outside having fun with some kind of activity.

But, when the kids walked back into the house, I was suddenly greeted with a chorus of kids saying "Banana! Banana! Banana!"

It's like I've been recognized or something and maybe I'm more famous than I know.

Well, that is encouraging, I guess, to see a flock of children announcing a big factor in my work --- the simple concept of a banana. It's not weird, it's just, well, it's kind of exciting, except I wonder how they all know that about me without many purchases.

And yes --- at this point I've come to expect after long experience that I'm just not going to make money, and there could be any number of reasons for why. Some of these reasons might be right reasons, some might be right yet unfortunate reasons, and so on.

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As for the new idea for a business I suddenly had as I was talking to my siblings::

The idea is so great that it would have to be kickstarted, and it's such a big job that we'd be hiring a professional CEO to do the leadership.

If I were involved in starting such a business, I would probably be relegated to at least an investor and at most the board of directors.

It's a good business idea, but with my small circle of friends, and with all the mental illness in my family - it's not likely to come to fruition, I would say. It was just an idea.



Besides, such an idea would definitely receive attention from local major media outlets ---- and with that media attention, they would see the story of my life ---- and then maybe things would get a little eff'd up.


My life has been so eff'd up that I must show much thanks and gratitude to the wonderful country I live in for putting for what looks like a good effort to bring me back to a happy state.




Canada is actually a REALLY wonderful country, it's either the greatest or one of the greatest countries in the world, I would say - and it's been great that I am in a happier state these days than I would have ever previously imagined in my life.


The sad thing is, that I grew up in such ridiculous conditions that I ended up losing my mind and having to recover from my childhood ----- but hey, children can be evil, and it's not the fault of the pre-existing nation that those children did what they did, I would think at least.



Anyway ----- yeah, if I actually created this business, there would definitely be a look at and probably be even scrutiny of my absolutely eff'd up past life.


I really tried to be a good person, tried to be a good student ----- so much went wrong, and I'm sad about that, it is so very unfortunate.

But it is kind of the thing you might expect from the world we live in, if the news and history books are any indication.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Speculating Reasons why Release is taking so long

I am incredibly individual I think --- I keep thinking stuff up, and every so often I feel like telling people what I'm thinking, so I end up making hundreds of blog posts each year. I feel some need to do this, and this does seem better than outright bulk-emailing my friends, but I feel a little insecure about just posting so much.

Anyway, My thoughts right now:


I have thought of more reasons (other than potential censure, a paranoid thought) why it might be taking a while to review my game after submission:

1) I originally said my release date was August 1st. Upon submission, I changed it to June 1st. I'm way ahead of schedule, and this might be a problem for Cortex.

2) Cortex might be too busy with other things to deal with my game release at this point.

3) There's an understanding of the economy these days that people aren't spending much money, at all, so there's not much point in releasing my game when we already know people won't bother to pay the smallest price.
3b) It's weird how Pfhonge is now ranked in the 300s on the O-Rank while the one game I did sell is ranked lower ---- not sure what to think here, but at least I can feel good about my decent rank.

4) The new game includes 5, 10, and 20 minute game modes. It might be taking Cortex a long time to properly test all these game modes. What's sad for me about this situation is that I don't generally get to play multiplayer games in my own life --- the few people I know near me are just too busy with other things, so I practically didn't test 10 and 20 minute modes. I just hope that the extension of Banana'growth time to 15 seconds will make those modes playable.

5) Maybe Razer is waiting for the end of the OUYA in just a few days coming --- OUYA is going to end soon, and I always intended for my new game to be Forge-only for release ------ the truth is, with all the 3d models and all the massive number of processes or threads the game runs, the game probably won't work properly on the slower OUYA hardware. It even stutters a bit on Forge. So, maybe because this is a Forge-only release, they are waiting for OUYA to die.


So, there are definitely many possible reasons for why I'm waiting so long to publish my new game.



It's just that I'm quite mentally-ill, and with how horrible my life was, I am a little paranoid about things going wrong for me. Heck --- my Dad is paranoid, my brother is also a bit paranoid. In our lives, it seems we have grown to expect the worse.


I'm just so glad that I am able to live a relatively good and happy life now ---- one of my biggest problems of living now is just the problems with my own brain.


There you go. I'm just paranoid that someone would be against me. There are many other possible/imaginable reasons why the game is taking so long to release.



My brain works so hard thinking so much, and I'm just a little chatterbox now. Is that a bad thing? or is good to have an outlet and let people know what I think? Who knows.





UPDATE:::


After I wrote this post, my iPad beeped and I checked my email. My update for The Bananatree Brothers has been approved (yay!) --- so now OUYA gamers will have properly-working offline DRM now. I hope. Yippee. It just takes a while.


I just thought of another reason why it might be taking a while to make these releases::: Maybe Cortex is giving me time to think of updates for the game before release rather than having a stupid and annoying Day 1 update.


There is only one thing that might be an issue with some color of one line of text --- but it's not really an issue. Maybe. I mean, unless you think some of my text is too unreadable, maybe that might be an issue ---- but to me it wasn't an issue. Hmmm. I thought my game was pretty good when I submitted. There's a small chance colors might need some dealing with ---- but I didn't think it was an issue when I submitted.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

On my life and being an OUYA/Cortex Developer

I lived my life. I was given my circumstances in life. I'm not sure how much you really can blame me for my own circumstances, because I only control myself, and I'm generally certain most other people are beyond my control --- therefore I am uncertain that blaming me for my circumstances was a great idea. I'm talking about right since the beginning all the way to, well, pretty much when I wrote my books.

I wrote The Book of Finch. It's a horrible, disgusting story. It was my life. I can not necessarily be entirely blamed for everything that happened in my life, I don't think. My parents controlled much of my upbringing, the people and society around me raised me. Their choices are generally not my own fault.


So: is it possible that I don't get paid, or that I get negative treatment from OUYA because I published a book that is likely highly controversial? The book is just the story of my life.


I did not know about OUYA when I wrote and published my book. When OUYA came along - it looked like a great toy, and being interested in programming I became very interested in OUYA.


OUYA has helped me move on with my life.



But --- if my games are generally lower-ranked, or if I'm not getting paid, or if it's taking a long time to release a video game that has taken days of submission but still no review -----


I almost wonder if Razer has a problem with me. I don't wonder this much, because I hope for good outcomes, but knowing what OUYA games are supposed to be like, and knowing that my life will NEVER be an OUYA game ---- you just wonder I face any amount of condemnation, restriction, or even discrimination on that system simply because the life I grew up with turned out so shitty?


I mean --- let's face it, my life is good in some ways, but in so many ways it just turned out to be absolute pure shit.


OK --- maybe you need to go into defining your reference basis on morality to make that statement and trying to figure out which morality is objective and which is subjective -----


but in the end, right from the beginning of my birth, despite the good things I have ---- my life turned out to be absolute shit.

OK, my life does have good things in it, but growing up in a provably false church that always claimed itself to be absolutely THE truth never really helped much - if you know what I mean.


My parents raised me how they chose. You can't blame me for that. It's not really my own fault things have been such shit. I always tried so hard to do my best and be a good person --- but so much goes wrong in the world around me.


So ---- how much to I deserve censure from OUYA - for writing a book about my life that existed before their system ever existed?


I'm not saying that Cortex/or OUYA are censuring me, but I'm wondering if they do or will, and

basically I'm just upset that I might not be able to fully enjoy their system, likely just because I was given a set of really-really poor circumstances in my life.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

"Feel Good" Rankings

I looked at my ranks on the OUYA O-Rank a few moments ago, and though my games are generally "middling" - I am feeling better about their positions.

There was a period of time where most of my games appeared to be in competition for last place --- and this caused me to wonder or imagine ideas about a possibility that people might hate me.

It happens over, and over again in my life ---- I might be wrong, but when someone is treating me "lowly", I have often wondered if I am personally at fault or if I'm somehow become personally disliked by individuals around me.

However, upon thinking it through more --- I have generally come to understand that the human race generally treats everyone else like trash -- me included, and it's not because they specifically don't like me. People just aren't nice to each other in so many occasions.

As I a child, I would often wonder what I ever did to deserve some of the treatment I got from one of my sisters ----- I never did anything wrong, it's just that she got her kicks from ruining my life.

Anyway, so just seeing my games middling the O-RANK is helping me feel pretty good about myself, probably because of the absence of wondering in my mind if people just hate me because my games were ranked lower for a while.

And then, there was those odd moments were my games were ranked generally higher --- and I guess that made me feel pretty good too.

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Don't mind my constant whining and wondering about getting paid ---- I look at my understanding of the world and realize there are many possible reasons, even many potentially valid reasons, why I'm not seeing tonnes of money flow in.


And I'm actually learning to accept that too ----- Youtube has been showing me videos about lottery winners, the good things and the bad things, and it is generally shown that very bad things can happen when you've won the lottery ------ so maybe I should just accept that I can live my life comfortably without more money and just be happy with what I have.




There were originally two main goals in my mind for why I would want to build monetary wealth --- 1) have a chance with Avril Lavigne and 2) maybe preach to the nations like the LDS church said I would.

Both of the above have become less and less important to me as time has gone on, the new reasons I would want to make money are to live comfortably and do whatever I want with my life ---- but I'm pretty much already living that way already, mostly.


So really, life is good, life is wonderful, I may have goals of attaining great wealth, but there are so many reasons why that actually doesn't need to happen. It's not wrong to be motivated by the profit motive --- profit motive gets us to do stuff ---- but it's the journey that counts, and I've learned to be happy with what I have rather that obtain a goal that may end up being a pain in my ass anyway.



Yeah. It would be fun to see money pouring in, but I will instead accept a decent rank on the O/Z-Rank to satisfy my cravings for success. :) hahaha.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Special Game Thingy on 666 Day

I realize that today is June 6th 2016, or 6/6/2016, the day that some might look at or refer to as being a "666" day.

I was just looking at my games on the OUYA O-Rank ---- my game "The Inter-Continental Brink of Madness", or ICBM< is ranked 666 right now. Hahaha.

Maybe (related to today's earlier post) there's some magical relationship between my ICBM game being ranked 666 on 666 day and how earlier today I felt like I was launching into the sky and flying very quickly. Very strange --- it was pretty magical.




In other gaming and game rank news::: I had one sale of a certain game reported to me in the past week, and I think it's interesting that my other unsold games are climbing in the O-Rank while this game I actually did sell isn't climbing as much. How am I supposed to interpret this?


Also, Sometime last week I submitted my newest game "Coconuts versus Bananas" for review, but there has been no review yet of the game and from the information I see they haven't even looked at it yet. This does feel a little unusual.


So, there is some cool stuff in life, but there's also a sad side to life. I'm surviving.

Feelings of Movement - a new start?

My life has more or less been stagnating for the past while - I'm not really going anywhere or doing much, except trying to sell a video game that probably won't sell.

I was laying down, and I have this incredible feeling of intensely fast movement come over me.

I'm not moving much, but I feel like I am absolutely flying. It's weird, it's like there's a magnet and I'm a piece of iron and I'm almost getting lifted out of my seat, sort of.

This is completely new to my sense of mental illness ----

but sometimes feeling things are indications of the world around us, or of things coming in life.

It almost felt as if I wasn't going to be living here anymore. I'm not quite sure how to interpret it.


Is this a good thing or a bad thing?



Last night, when talking to GOD, I got the impression that God wanted good things for me and that I might be headed towards some kind of new start.

Or at least, that's what I remember or think I remember.






I just want to say that I really, really tried in my life. Things didn't turn out very well, though I suppose it could have been worse.

I was a good student. I paid attention in school, did my homework, tried to be well behaved, although I know I wasn't perfect.

Whether it be my circumstances or mental illness in people around me or who knows what --- I eventually snapped in my life, I had a breakdown ----- and things weren't working out very well.

Personally, I feel I can or could say that I really was trying my best in life, I tried so hard ----- but there was so much around me in my world that was just completely out of "whack".


So, I've tried - I tried to be a good boy. I really did. And yes I snapped --- if only you could look through the crystal ball to see what I had to put up with.





So yeah, I just have a maybe-psychic sense of intense movement, which I interpret to mean I'll be going somewhere, or something like that. I would hope for good things, but knowing my life and how things go it really might not be so good.




At least God seemed encouraging when I talked to Him last night. He did seem interested in my welfare.


And when I say "God" --- I mean the spiritual connection I make with a being that I had been taught to make such connection since I was very young.

Religions might misrepresent Him, so I'm not quite sure exactly how to define who He is. But he is there, I'm sure of it.






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As for this feeling of extreme movement or momentum I think I feel, it's like I'm flying in a really fast aircraft or somesuch to that effect. It's a really weird sensation - and I don't know why.


1) Yesterday on Twitter I saw that Avril Lavigne posted a picture of herself flying over the British Columbian mountains.
2) Avril's husband, Chad Kroeger's band Nickelback plays a song about feeling like you are flying a million miles an hour.

It's just so weird how I'm feeling this, and how I relate it to someone I respect very much.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

My Day Today

I feel like talking so I'll write.

I didn't have much going on today, so I turned on the Soccer game on tv, but as I watched the soccer game, I knew that the back of my mind (maybe it's my subconscious? dunno) was still thinking about and processing thoughts and ideas about my time and experience with LDS Mormonism.

It's pretty ridiculous. I've gone through it all before. I know what I know, and nothing really changes a lot of my conclusions,

it's just that my brain is like a broken-record, even in the back of my head while I'm watching a soccer game --- just constantly replaying the same old stuff over and over again.

Maybe this is normal for mental illness --- but it's what makes me ill, I'm guessing - the fact that it's so difficult just to leave in the past and forget about.

The one improvement is that I felt no great urge to bother my Dad with the details. It was enough for me just to tell him that it was constantly replaying in my mind.




I was thinking about posting the above, but then I thought I might as well try to get my mind off it and watch a Youtube video on whatever Youtube fed me in my feed.

Just last night I sent an email to my grandparents talking about a speculation I have about the money I make, and like clockwork Google had a video or two in the feed on the topic of making passive income.

I watched a video about 10 ways to make passive income. I've already tried a number of these methods, and it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get much. The only real one that worked for me so far is the investment income he mentioned.

Amazon ebooks --- not much.
Selling a killer app --- not much.
Advertising on blog --- not much.

It's not that I don't get paid, it's just that the flow of money is a tiny little trickle. I might sell a video game once every month or two at the current rate.

So, seeing this guy gloating about all the money he makes and his success, I sit here having feelings about how I can't seem to make it work.

It's like a mix of heart wrenching and soul crushing to see no income for work that really should be selling.


But after I watched the video, considering how bad it feels that I've done so much work and I hardly sell anything, a thought told me:

"You'll get paid eventually - it just takes a while to count all the pennies".

The thought said something like that. I do believe in telepathy and stuff like that, so I know I didn't think this thought to myself --- it's like an angel was whispering into my brain here or somesuch,

and just hearing this thought telling me I WILL eventually get paid actually gave me great comfort.

I was having bad feelings about barely making money, and I'm just noting that a thought I heard, as though from my mental illness or from an angel, saying that I would eventually get paid, brought me comfort, and I didn't feel so bad anymore.


Hopefully I'm not "jinxing" my chances by posting that news on the internet, but it's what happened so I'm just saying.




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Other things that were on my mind today is just how broken life and social relationships are and have been through out my experience ---- it's like since almost Day 1 of my birth things have been going wrong in my life.

Besides thinking about the history with the church, my mind also just reviewed a bit about just how painful childhood was for me. those thoughts weren't nearly as persistent or annoying as just remembering the church though.


So, I'm trying to get on with my life, but every step of the way I appear to just face and never ending stream of pain, even up to today where I don't see many sales reported while other guys are so completely successful.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Media Misinformation and human ignorance

I am absolutely stunned by the kinds of information I see on the internet.

There are some people who appear to be absolutely obsessive about exercising their freedom of speech to the point of saying whatever suits their purpose even if it isn't really true.

How can I say this? Because I look at all kinds of news and other medias, and see all kinds of contradictory information that can't both be true --- it's propaganda in whatever direction the news media outlet points it in.



For example: For the leap manifesto, there's what the Metro free newspaper said about it versus what the Wildrose Party was saying about it ---- both medias discussed the issue, but both said something different and incompatible with the other, if I remember correctly.




My Dad was told by someone at the mall that you had to be a member of the New Democratic Party in order to have your voice heard in the government ---- but from what I've seen of the New Democratic Policies, this does not appear to actually be true --- the NDP appears to be very democratic even to the point of letting opposition parties have their way - which has been unheard of in my experience before.



In my economic studies --- which themselves are divided between people who say we're booming and others saying we're busting ----- I was led to discussion on the European Union ---- and I'm already finding that the hounds of misinformation appear to be sowing their seeds.



In this one documentary, the narrator or teacher explains that most europeans don't even know some basic facts about how the government of the EU works. ---- well just moments ago I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and everything was explained easily and well enough. I mean, this documentary did very little to explain the government either, leaving the audience to feel confused by the situation.


I mean, I'm Canadian and I'm able to find a good amount of information on the topic of the EU government just on Wikipedia ---- while this documentary, I guess, is just making us aware that people aren't too educated (which is nothing new) and have no idea about their own government --- kind of like how all these true believing mormons didn't even know about their own religion. It's nothing new to humanity for people to be ignorant, I'd say.





Anyway, then this documentary says that the EU is anti-democratic, even though right in the EU Charter of Freedoms, they are meant to be democratic right from the get-go. Huh.



So yeah, the documentary tried to express a viewpoint which they tried to back up by feeding off the audience's ignorance, and though there might have been some grain of truth to the documentary what wikipedia said kind of contradicted it.



Another video said something else about the EU -- but when I mentioned it to my Dad, and my Dad reads British Newspaper, he already knew that what the video said was untrue.




It's just interesting, that there's all kinds of information floating about - and some of it can not be true no matter how much they try to make you believe it. It's just remarkable the human propensity to tell a lie.




So yeah. I've seen enough of it already. I grew up in a religion that was way out to lunch - local news medias reporting opposite facts, and then overseas medias reporting things that aren't likely true.


How on earth did I get this smart, where I can say "either this video is lying or wikipedia is lying". I mean - the solution was as simple as having a look at wikipedia. hahaha.




Anyway ---- I'm just saying how ridiculous it is how, well, ignorant people are and how dishonest news media can be. It is completely freakin' ridiculous.




NOTE::: I think I will try to emphasize that I'm not taking a political position on any topic in this post, I'm just expressing an observation that someone HAS to be lying.

Confusing Economic Data

Being interested in making money and getting my life roaring into gear, working on video games and investing on the stock market, I have been watching basically, economic news and data on Youtube and some financial websites.

The understanding I have is that the "government" is trying to prop up this idea that there's great economic prosperity abounding, while these other guys are trying to point out that a crash is imminent and there could be a financial crisis dubbed "SHTF".

I guess it all depends on how you massage the data, because on one hand they say unemployment is really low right now --- while these other guys are saying there are a huge "tonne" of people who aren't working.

Here's what I wonder::: If unemployment is so low, if there are so many people who are working with jobs: then why I do I find it so hard to sell very cheap products?

OK --- yesterday I did sell a video game, but it wasn't to a US American.



Anyway --- if the economy is doing so good, and if the jobless rate is so low, then why does it seem so hard for me to sell my goods --- when thousands of people will steal and download freebies, but won't spend the smallest amount of money?

Some news says that sales are stagnating and production is slipping in other industries ---- and yet the stock market is proclaimed to be at new highs and the fabled 'plunge protection team' won't let the thing drop.


OH --- and in case you are wondering about my current stock position:: most of my portfolio is betting on an eventual drop or crash. My plans are being foiled in the name of "economic recovery" heh.


So, yeah, I'm almost just parroting what they've been saying in some other media: but this is my own analysis where "if the jobless rate is so low, then why can't people pay me for my stuff?" --- maybe a bit of a commentary on past posts on this blog.


I can only speculate, I suppose.