Sunday, May 29, 2016

How I feel now

So, I've been sitting around my house, had some video gaming to do, talked to my family ---

And I have to say, I am turning bitter.

Remember all those feelings of forgiveness I expressed earlier? That's beginning to dry up.

Maybe I should admit myself to the psychiatric hospital - I think about my life and my situations, and I am coming to conclusions that people won't like to hear nor would they want me to act on.

I've tried to be a good person in my life. I really have. I confess my sins, I try to live peacefully -- I do my work, trying to be amiable.

But I've noticed how completely difficult it is to get paid for my efforts.

I have speculated that maybe my earnings pay back my social benefit or maybe I'm considered somehow too disabled so my earnings are held in some kind of trust -

but when I spoke of this to my mom she said that was wrong and that I really just haven't sold anything. People aren't buying.

OK --- Youtube did make me aware that all major companies appear to be having a problem these days where people aren't buying things,

but for me this situation becomes seriously insane when I have 6 video games and a few books all of which I tried to sell for a $1, and people would only take freebies and even just steal my work.

The honest thing for all you people who use my product to do would for be for all of you to just give me that dang $1.

But, people aren't honest. People don't care. I must've offended society somehow I think.

I mean, this one pirating site had nearly 10,000 people download my book and they all gave it almost 5/5 stars rating, but people don't see fit to pay me anything????

Anyway, I'm just saying that I need to talk to my psychiatrist or something, or maybe I should self-admit myself into the mental hospital ----- because the feelings that are evoked by having thousands upon thousands of people taking my work and not paying the smallest fee are not good.

The feelings just aren't good. The thought process is one people wouldn't like.

I realize I get all this disability benefit money --- I realize that --- and the reason I get that money is because of how seriously screwed over I've been by society BEFORE the current situation emerged. I am paid disability because of the previous situation in my life ----- things have changed, and society has still decided they want to screw with me.

You don't want to know where these thoughts and feelings lead.

I'm going to eventually talk to my psychiatrist, but I'm wondering if I should just go live in the hospital for a bit.

When I do things wrong, I tend to get punished. Why does everyone else think they have a right to demand forgiveness?

Unless those pirating site were just outright lying about the downloads and ratings --- I mean seriously --- all this work and people can't seem to pay me anything?????

Just imagine if you won the lottery and the retail clerk stole your ticket and didn't tell you. if you found out ---- how would you feel? Think about that. It's easy enough to SAY you would just let it off the hook --- but how would you REALLY feel?

My life is like a kettle. Turn up the heat, and I'll just sit there and simmer for a while. But after a long enough time, I start to boil.

I need a psychiatrist. The feelings just aren't good. People have just stolen from me and can't seem to pay the smallest price for ANYTHING.

I know, people won't like my bitching, but I don't like the way I'm being treated by SOCIETY.


They've been saying "SHTF" about the economy lately, and with how I'm starting to feel inside this might come true ----

but the situation is only exacerbated when I know from experience that I can only expect to sell maybe 1 or 2 copies of my new upcoming videogame.

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