Monday, May 30, 2016

Bad Feelings turn to different less severe bad feelings

I suppose I could say that last night I was feeling a little bit angry. Those feelings have subsided.

I realize that most money is in the hands of the few, and that most people have very little money --- so I couldn't really expect to be successful.

My anger has turned to a bit of a despair - that the human race's condition is so "poor".



I'm 31 years old ---- this is supposed to be the period of my life when I'm most productive and making the most money.

But, like my early 20s (early 20s supposed to be your peak physical functioning, I think) -- everything is just crumbling around me and going wrong for what I'm supposed to be experiencing.


In my 20s I was constantly being told I'm crazy and being told to take drugs --- the result of being raised with a false ideology --- so my period of "peak physical health" was being ruined -

and now my 30s, everyone can't afford to buy squat, so my most productive period of my life is being wasted here too.

Heck, I was one of the smartest kids in school and that almost ended up getting completely wasted as well.




Just despair. Not the anger. I'm not angry at people, I realize there's seemingly valid reason for why I'm not being paid ---- I'm just not happy about it.




If I were to go see the psychiatrist about these problems --- guess what? The psychiatrist I'd go see would need to be paid for the help they give me. and guess what? If I'm not being paid, then I'm not doing much to pay my doctor. It's a sad vicious cycle.



Just saying, I guess, that I'm feeling better than 'slight anger', that now I'm just in 'slight despair'.



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From time to time I get emails or friend invites on facebook from various different females who want to get into relationships with me.


It is kind of heartbreaking that I do this ---- but I am rejecting them all around.


First reason:::: I don't care anymore. I don't plan on having children. I don't really like women all that much anyway.

The only reason I ever really cared about dating and marriage is because the false ideology that raised me told me I should care. If it wasn't for that, really, I wouldn't likely care much.

I am attracted to females, but there are actually many reasons why I don't accept any of the flirtations I receive.

I'm too poor. I don't like women much. I was accused of wanting to hurt the girl I previously loved, and therefore I am unsuitable for a relationship. I'm not even attracted to women like I was when I was younger. I feel better off where I am than changing things around.


So::: if you've ever wanted to go on a date with me or whatever:::: Don't be surprised if I reject(ed) you. There is about a 100% rejection rate here, with the slight exception of my obsession with Avril Lavigne.


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I am planning on releasing my new video game eventually, not that it means much because it probably won't sell, if experience dictates. I think it's a great game, it's like my crowning achievement at this point in my life ---- but I'm not expecting much from consumers or fans.



Which brings me to my next point:::: I extrapolated my piece of the OUYA sale pie with my piece of the OUYA game release pie, and I discovered something::: if my sales were typical of all OUYA sales, then OUYA was GOING TO GO OUT OF BUSINESS. They could barely afford one yearly salary of one employee with the money they were making, according to my calculation.


OUYA was a great idea ---- but again I'm just falling into despair because apparently a lot of people just can't afford to buy even small cheap easy to pay for items. It's so sad.


I mean, I would try to sell for a dollar for two reasons: To keep OUYA in business, and to try to make some money for myself to help me start my business in life, as well as just help me live my life - but, people resorted to free-only tactics, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if people aren't paying, and even demand to not pay, then the business will die. It's so sad.



So, I continue on with my life. I've survived so far. I've had some really good moments in my life ---- but I have to state my observation that my life has been filled with one disappointment after another, something always going wrong in one way or another --- it's like I was cursed since birth, really. It's too bad.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

How I feel now

So, I've been sitting around my house, had some video gaming to do, talked to my family ---

And I have to say, I am turning bitter.

Remember all those feelings of forgiveness I expressed earlier? That's beginning to dry up.

Maybe I should admit myself to the psychiatric hospital - I think about my life and my situations, and I am coming to conclusions that people won't like to hear nor would they want me to act on.

I've tried to be a good person in my life. I really have. I confess my sins, I try to live peacefully -- I do my work, trying to be amiable.



But I've noticed how completely difficult it is to get paid for my efforts.


I have speculated that maybe my earnings pay back my social benefit or maybe I'm considered somehow too disabled so my earnings are held in some kind of trust -

but when I spoke of this to my mom she said that was wrong and that I really just haven't sold anything. People aren't buying.




OK --- Youtube did make me aware that all major companies appear to be having a problem these days where people aren't buying things,



but for me this situation becomes seriously insane when I have 6 video games and a few books all of which I tried to sell for a $1, and people would only take freebies and even just steal my work.


The honest thing for all you people who use my product to do would for be for all of you to just give me that dang $1.



But, people aren't honest. People don't care. I must've offended society somehow I think.




I mean, this one pirating site had nearly 10,000 people download my book and they all gave it almost 5/5 stars rating, but people don't see fit to pay me anything????




Anyway, I'm just saying that I need to talk to my psychiatrist or something, or maybe I should self-admit myself into the mental hospital ----- because the feelings that are evoked by having thousands upon thousands of people taking my work and not paying the smallest fee are not good.


The feelings just aren't good. The thought process is one people wouldn't like.



I realize I get all this disability benefit money --- I realize that --- and the reason I get that money is because of how seriously screwed over I've been by society BEFORE the current situation emerged. I am paid disability because of the previous situation in my life ----- things have changed, and society has still decided they want to screw with me.


You don't want to know where these thoughts and feelings lead.


I'm going to eventually talk to my psychiatrist, but I'm wondering if I should just go live in the hospital for a bit.



When I do things wrong, I tend to get punished. Why does everyone else think they have a right to demand forgiveness?


Unless those pirating site were just outright lying about the downloads and ratings --- I mean seriously --- all this work and people can't seem to pay me anything?????



Just imagine if you won the lottery and the retail clerk stole your ticket and didn't tell you. if you found out ---- how would you feel? Think about that. It's easy enough to SAY you would just let it off the hook --- but how would you REALLY feel?



My life is like a kettle. Turn up the heat, and I'll just sit there and simmer for a while. But after a long enough time, I start to boil.

I need a psychiatrist. The feelings just aren't good. People have just stolen from me and can't seem to pay the smallest price for ANYTHING.


I know, people won't like my bitching, but I don't like the way I'm being treated by SOCIETY.



ADDITIONAL::::

They've been saying "SHTF" about the economy lately, and with how I'm starting to feel inside this might come true ----


but the situation is only exacerbated when I know from experience that I can only expect to sell maybe 1 or 2 copies of my new upcoming videogame.

Monday, May 23, 2016

It's good to be alive

One of my uncles once referred to The Book of Finch as "heavy". That's probably the politest way he could put it. From that story, I think I risk ridicule, and maybe my life --- and with some of the subject matter in that book it's not hard to imagine that someone would take a disliking to something and get me banned from a favourite place - such as the Avril Lavigne fanclub.

I mean, I was grown up to be obsessive and in love with Mormonism, and the females of my family still haven't figured out the truth about that church ---- but being conditioned to love that church and then finding out the actual truths about what they believe, you may have some legal entanglements.

So --- I've given up on the church, and you need not worry about me causing trouble in their name anymore. I know what I know, but that's no reason to ban me from anything --- although people who are still Mormon might take issue with me.



Anyway --- for so long I was so depressed, so suicidal. I've discovered that every single member of my immediate family excluding nieces nephews and in-laws are mentally ill. If you grew up in my house hold ---- you are automatically cursed with a mental illness of some kind.

There are probably reasons for how that happened, and it is very unfortunate, but I am HAPPY TO SAY:::

THAT I AM RECOVERING!!!! I am working on projects again, like I used to, the old workaholic I used to be again, I'm happy, I'm enjoying video games like I used to. I mean, for me to be me --- I have to be playing video games, there's no getting around that. I've loved video games since I was capable of playing them, and I am now able to sit down and play them again, and enjoy them ---- that that is a very good and positive sign.


For so long I would just mope about and pity party about how horrible various aspects of my life have been ---- but now I don't even feel capable of having any more pity parties, I'm no longer confined to laying around and bemoaning everything ------ I'm having a good time, even by myself with few friends.


Basically, this blog post has two points:::


I hope I don't get in trouble for being involved in a church that gave me viewpoints that would or even should be immediately condemned,


and for so long I was so out of it ---- but I am getting back into it and I am really, really having a good time, as far as good times and myself are concerned. It's wonderful.

What a wonderful life.

Monday, May 16, 2016

The Book of Finch Exclusively on Kindle

I decided to unpublish all my books from Smashwords.com. No more Smashwords books.

Only kindle and lulu (and authorhouse, I guess) now.

If you want to read my ebook, you HAVE to go to kindle at amazon.

The Book of Finch has been enrolled in KDP Select, meaning Kindle Unlimited readers will be able to read the book at no cost beyond their Kindle Unlimited subscription.


There are a few places you can find online that say you can have access to The Book of Finch, but I'm pretty sure these sites are pretty much pirates, especially as doing a look up if the site is legit returns that the site is NOT LEGIT.

So, Amazon Kindle is the only legitimate place to read my ebooks now. The other guys are probably pirates and maybe scammers.


Any of the Legitimate booksellers that I found who have my books listed, well, the books are no longer available from those sites, even if the books are listed - as far as I know.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Business "booming" without money

Today, kindle reported three downloads of The Book of Finch, putting my title at #11 on the Free Mormon books list on Amazon.com.

Yesterday I had 5 downloads of The Bananatree Brothers.

The day before yesterday I had 5 downloads of Doorless Darts.




I might be getting substantial attention (as far as my personal metrics for attention are concerned) - but I do wonder why or how I could get so many downloads of my products and make no money.


The Bananatree Brothers is supposed to cost 99 cents up front. I've only ever sold 4 reported copies. And yesterday I had 5 downloads, with no sales attached. ????



I sure hope there's a good reason for why it seems near-impossible for me to get paid for my work.


All these people have the money to buy OUYA's and buy internet connections and buy kindle devices ---- but NEARLY NO ONE can afford the small amount of payment I ask for huh?



Though I do enjoy seeing people download my work and have a look at it ----- it's a little disconcerting to me to see my efforts go nearly completely UNPAID.


There's probably a reason for this, and I hope it's a good reason.


I need some education maybe on why it's so hard to sell product. The best knowledge I have heard thus far on this topic is that there are a lot of really-really poor Americans. Does that really explain it?


Anyway, I am comfortable with my life, living on the government dole, but I am a little sad that I get so much money for doing nothing, and make no money trying to do something. Something seems a bit off about that.



I wish someone could explain to me what the problem is. I shouldn't need a university education to fix this ---- but the best I've heard so far is that a lot of people just can't afford things (although, they were rich enough to afford the OUYA or the Kindle Device to read my book on, plus the internet connection).

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Work which is probably totally better than my own

So, this evening I've been watching a 2.5  hour Youtube video recently released which discusses a whole bunch of stuff about the Mormon church.

In this video, they make reference to CESLETTER.com and a letter written entitled "Letter to a CES Director". The Letter is free to download, and is under a Creative Commons license.

What I find funny, however, is in the license the letter seems to take a jab at my own work, "Letters to Whomever" -- which is copyrighted and which I tried to sell for a very small fee.


OK, I'm just going to say that though I haven't read this CES Letter yet, I will already admit that it's probably tonnes better than my own book.

And maybe I'm not heroic enough by trying to make some money from my work.


There's the catholic culture that says if you meet Mother Mary, or by extension Jesus Himself likely, that it is wrong or immoral to try to make money from it.


Growing up a Mormon, I did not know about that, until I finally read a National Geographic article that told me so.


I grew up poor, so there is some drive in me to not be so poor all the time anymore --- you have to understand that ----

but, regardless, I've never really made much money from my work anyway. I've actually spent thousands and thousands to publish and advertise, and made very little in return.




Anyway ----- it's funny to me ----- after writing Letters to Whomever, years later I found the LDS Knockoff from apologists called "Letters to a Young Mormon", which I bought for several dollars as an ebook and read about half of ----

and now there's the flipside of that coin which is the anti-mormon stuff which is also using a title that's like a "knockoff" type title of my book.





I have to say, Letters to Whomever was just my own generally uneducated perspective on my own issues and what I understood for myself at that time. Further research has revealed that there is so much more information to know, and it's available for a lot freer than I offer it for.



Should I release my books for free, or creative commons, or lessen copyright restrictions?


That does sound like a good idea --- EXCEPT that if people could talk about and spread the contents of my book around, there are individual pieces of it that might spread and cause erroneous thought, thought which would be dealt with by actually reading the whole book altogether, so the thought on the subject would no longer be erroneous. Allowing pieces of The Book of Finch to be republished is dangerous I think. It's probably best altogether as one whole.



Oh ----- and for anyone who thinks my claims are in any way untrue or exaggerated ---- I would generally consider you wrong, and that I am actually quite truthful in everything I say. OK, at various points in my life it has been very hard to tell the full actual truth, but I'm generally very honest.



I really do believe I have seen Jesus Christ. If it wasn't actually Jesus, then it just LOOKED like Jesus. I'm serious.





So, The Book of Finch needs to be told, Letters to Whomever is OK but not nearly as awesome or extensive as other works, and maybe I'm a bad person for trying to make some money.



Just know:::: I spent thousands of dollars on my projects, and was in deep deep credit card debt for years because of it ------ I didn't fully know exactly how to properly publish my book at the time, and maybe I did it the wrong way, but please don't think badly of me for trying to recoup my investment.

I only paid off my debt because of the disability benefit I receive, and my wise investment practises. The books and video games themselves are practically useless at making money.



Anyway ---- it's just funny that looking in the license notes of this new book (cesletter.com) that it takes quite a jab at my own work. Maybe the author of this newer book was just trying to distance his writing from seeming to appear to be similar to what I wrote. That's probably all it is. But I do recognize that his book is probably far more extensive than my own. Maybe I should just take this "jab" as a bit of an honour to my character, it's all good fun, kinda. Hah. I can feel my heart feel weird as I say that, so I don't know what to make of all this just with the feeling I'm getting in my chest about it.

Monday, May 9, 2016

The 666th Post on this Blog

So, I'm going to celebrate the 666th post on this blog by giving my little discussion I've been thinking about on how Mormonism was supposed to be a good thing, but turned into a mindless, moronic mess.

A few weeks ago, my Mom was explaining to me and my brother how (I think this is right) a current member of the local Stake Presidency was a geologist, and he knew the Church is true, yet he also knew at the same time that the earth is actually millions of years old, and not 5 or 6000 years like certain religious people believed.

She said this member of the Stake Presidency had one time been accused by a congregation of the church of being an apostate because he believed the world is millions of years old and not just 6000.


The point I'm trying to make is this:::: there's what Mormonism actually is, and what it's trying to be, versus what it turns into at the hands of mindless morons and bigots.


For example, with President Hinckley's teaching that even people who have been excommunicated are welcome to come back and attend church services, I got the impression that the church is very welcoming and kindly, that they aren't holding too much in the way of grudges and they are loving, essentially, because even if you aren't a member, you can still come back --- the church seems very benevolent from what I learned from the past mormon prophet,

But contrast that with my past Bishop with how Avril Lavigne was damned just for being a rock star and she and I are most definitely not allowed to be friends.

There's one version of Mormonism with David Archuleta and Lindsey Stirling and prophets welcoming even the excommunications into the church,

and there's the version of Mormonism presented by my bishop where Avril Lavigne is going to hell because she's a popular musician and she most definitely can NOT be friends with me or LDS people, and that the truth she presented about what actually happened in my life was not acceptable to be published.

Avril Lavigne told the truth, and was rejected.


Anyway ----- there's obviously more than one version of Mormonism here --- there's a version that says Popular Culture is so cool and we love it and and everyone is loved, and a version that's very petty.





You see, when Joseph Smith taught "You are required to forgive all men lest ye be guilty of the greater sin and are condemned before the Lord" (paraphrased) --- this statement is actually a GOOD statement in so many ways, to tell the truth, believe it or not.

When Joseph Smith taught that Murder was unforgivable, this does kind of makes sense --- it is such a heinous crime to commit murder that such a person MUST be condemned ----- this also makes sense.




The problem I have with Mormonism is when they condemn all kinds of petty things like drinking caffeine and playing with poker cards and then they tell you that murderers HAVE to be forgiven.


I mean, seriously --- there's what mormonism actually taught, which is that all kinds of things have to be forgiven, and that Murderers face a most definite condemnation,


but what Mormonism actually did in my life was they condemned and criticized all kinds of small meaningless things, and then told me that the requirement to forgive extended to Murderers.



This church has absolutely lost it's mind.  There were good things that it taught, that Joseph Smith taught --- and then it gets absolutely distorted and corrupted as the years go on and as you deal with local authorities who can't be bothered to actually study the things they should know, or even local authorities who deliberately choose the wrong.




There are different versions of Mormonism. There's a version that can be taught that actually makes sense, but as the church grows there are more and more lunatics in the ward and the church becomes unbearable to live with.



I do actually think that Joseph Smith was trying to do something good ----- but with the Mormonism I was actually presented with at a local level in modern life, it was completely unbelievable, and was quite frankly a complete load of garbage that didn't make any sense and didn't even come close to resembling what Jesus or Joseph Smith actually taught.



Joseph Smith did actually have some good ideas ----- but the church I lived in didn't exactly follow the good ideals, and was extremely corrupted, I would say. I tried to believe in Mormonism, but the Mormon church I was following wasn't even authentically doing as Mormonism was supposed to ---- it was a complete corruption.






It's like the shock the church must be going through as they had constantly tortured and punished yougn men over a completely normal and healthy activity called "masturbation" and then finding out that Joseph Smith had so many wives -----

Why is Joseph Smith allowed to marry other men's wives and have 40 ladies (like he's a PlayBoy, and would have been a porn addict necessarily) while all these young men in his church are tortured over having normal male hormonal issues?

There IS something wrong with the church --- it isn't exactly what Joseph Smith originally envisioned. Instead of letting young men satiate their sexual appetites a healthy way, the church always has to find a way to torment it, it seems.




Of course, there are the parts of church history that don't point to the church being exactly really true true, but even if the church isn't entirely true right from the get go ---- I think it was trying to achieve something good rather than being a completely messed up corruption that it has become.



Living my life these days, I realize that I miss the good social life, the good activities and fun one could have as a Mormon. The Mormon church was full of good things and I do think it was supposed to be a good organization with good intentions, even if it wasn't fully "true" ----- but what it turned into was a nightmare.



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I would just like to note how happy I am that I was able to write this whole post on Ubuntu 16.10, and the computer didn't even crash once. There were times of lagginess as I wrote this post, as it it were about to crash, but it always pulled through just fine. So glad.

Ubuntu 15.10 crashed constantly on Blogger. 16.04 appears to have fixed that as I've seemingly found thus far. Yippee.

Friday, May 6, 2016

New Personal Best in Telepathy Zero

Today, as I sat in our vehicle waiting for my parents, I scored an 8 streak while playing Telepathy Zero (Telepathy 0) on my iphone.

Now I'm ranked 28th on iOS in the world for Telepathy. My previous personal best was a 7 streak.

Yippee.

Making this blog post was barely on my mind today --- it's been a while since I last posted and I really don't feel like discussing much. But --- becoming ranked 28th in the world is news for me, so I'm reporting it.

Oh --- and yes, I got this 8 streak started within the first 10 attempts I made upon turning on Telepathy 0, so it's not like I was sitting there for hours, it was just a little time.

What was my secret? I actually asked GOD for help --- I found that after asking God for help, I could lean my head back, close my eyes, and I would hear an answer in my mind. And the answer was correct 8 times in a row. Yay.

So ---- though the atheists on youtube give very good and well done arguments for their lack of belief in any deity ---- I, personally, do recognize how they dislike religion as history has known it ---- but I can never really be an atheist personally because I've experienced too many miracles (such as today's) after asking invisible man in the sky I call God for the said miracle.

So --- having asked God for help, and having received it such as is exampled today, I can never really be an atheist, regardless of how good the atheist arguments are.

God is just too real for me.



And I'm highly ranked in a game --- yippee.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Exciting Green Energy in Community

My Dad, Brother and I were driving through out community today when we noticed a new array of solar panels atop the local elementary school.

Solar power produced in my community? It makes me feel so good inside to do that. Makes me happy I voted NDP.



On the topic of the Leap Manifesto:

I can sort of understand why total green energy without fossil fuels might be a socialist priority, sort of, but I suppose I'm not that far left --- I do believe in the free market choice between fossil fuels and green energy. Although, I suppose I might have to imagine what the world would be like with only green energy some time. :) I wonder how that would affect our economy.


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Last night I watched most of a video where someone showed off and discussed a disciplinary council that happened in the LDS church.

This inspired me to make my own Youtube video about how you always face punishment no matter what, essentially, if you are a Mormon.


If you don't read your scriptures - you will be punished.

If you do read your scriptures - if you understand what they're saying and you are an honest and good person, you will eventually be punished.

The church criticizes countless small and meaningless things,

and drugs you if you actually attain anything like the Godhood they aspire to.

Green tea is found to be very very good for you as science has discovered,

but the church says tea (including green tea) is against their health code.

Even if you are forgiven, you will still go to prison anyway.


Anyway ---- Just seeing that video about a disciplinary council in the LDS church last night inspired me to make my own video about how you can't avoid punishment no matter what you do in that church --------- even if I didn't get into as much detail about that as I just did right here in this post.



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So, seeing the solar panel from the green energy initiative Alberta makes me feel good. That solar panel sitting out-of-the-way on a school roof will reduce our coal usage at least a bit I'm sure. :)