So: I've watched more of this guy's youtube videos. Initially, to me it seemed like an atheist argument that brought me back to christianity through reverse psychology.
But then I watched him have extremely convincing atheist arguments.
But there's a problem.
Yahweh may demonstrably be a mass-murdering psychopath, and the history provided by the old testament may not be all that truthful in reality, as I can see clearly,
but I still know there's something more out there.
At very least I am having very strong hallucinations or delusions --- at most I have personally discovered something "magical" that actually does exist and behaves as one would have thought God would behave.
Like, these atheists have absolutely RIPPED APART the bible.
There is lots of room to see Jesus Christ as an absolutely wonderful person in ways, I mean, the Old Testament was apparently a bunch of crap, and what Jesus Christ taught is still a huge improvement over the old covenant,
but even the new testament has some small coherency problems that need to be worked through.(or maybe large, depending on your opinion or knowledge level).
I am basically kind of confused. I have had very real personal experience with the "something more" that I can only explain as "God" --- yet the Bible, mostly the Old Testament though, is being completely torn apart and shown to be pretty much madness.
I know there is something more out there. I really do.
The God I pray to never stopped my masturbation, but he did punish those who upheld a prohibition on masturbation when I asked Him to.
Basically, I can pray to my God and get real results, and it's completely "unnatural", as near as I can tell. I even just recently have managed to have some success in small mind-reading experiments with my father.
There is absolutely something more -- but what is it exactly?
The atheists have absolutely ripped apart most of the bible, and religious society as I once knew it.
I mean, they can make Atheism seem so convincing, reasonable, rational,
so what have I ever experienced??? I am personally not relying on any ancient records for faith anymore ---- I walk with absolute knowledge of something that may be considered divine, even if it has been completely or allegedly misrepresented in historical record of the ages.
If the Bible is false ---- then what have I been dealing with this whole time?
If the Bible is true (which it mostly likely isn't at this point) ------ then how can I reconcile a loving merciful forgiving God with the mass murdering psychopath of the Old testament? If the Bible is true - something doesn't make total sense.
So, who have I been dealing with this whole time?
What the heck is exactly going on here? I am so confused.
I have personal eyewitness testimony of absolutely amazing things, and yet modern and historical religion just doesn't match up very well.
So, it makes sense that I'm considered disabled, if all I've ever really experienced is extremely strong delusion and hallucination ------
But there is truly still something more.
Can I give a simple example of how I know there's something more which I'm pretty sure cannot be considered to be just delusion or hallucination?
In early 2007, I'd watch TV and kept seeing recurring advertisements to The Number 23 movie.
Having my numerology about the apostles already heavily on my mind, I already realized there were similarities,
There fore I asked GOD, the guy I pray to, personally and quietly, to make me buy a lottery ticket on the day of the movie release and have the quick picks all coincidentally/magically print out the number 23 on each line (of the Super 7).
I mean, I didn't mention it in my book ---- but I'm pretty sure I ACTUALLY ASKED GOD FOR THAT TO HAPPEN, and only in my own mind ---- and it DID HAPPEN, just like I prayed for.
I can't be an atheist with that experience, but the atheists have shown me I can't totally trust the bible either.
I have heard a voice in my head tell me my pet bird died, which I didn't otherwise know about, but it turned out to be true.
So what's going on here? What is the actual answer? What is the truth?
The one thing I suspect, the idea I've toyed with for a long time now, is that I might already somehow be "dead".
What I mean is, when I was growing up, I just remember that life was SO PAINFUL for me, that I just couldn't keep going. I was falling apart, I was going down. and everything, one day, just started getting better, and it got so magical --- as if I had died and gone to a heaven that looked like and very much resembled the world I had been living in.
Basically, I wonder if I'm already in a form of heaven. If I already died. Maybe I am in heaven, and the angels of this heaven are explaining to me how the life I lived in my real life wasn't up to par because of all the false delusional ideologies people around me were following.
So it's all a really big question -- what the *** is going on here?
On a side note, thought I am happier and life has improved monumentally over the years, I am noticing I have a psychological feature in my mind where if I start remembering my growing up childhood to teenage years, I do start feeling suicidal again.
I want to forget my growing up life just to avoid the desire to kill myself at this point.
I will note:::: I remember from my teenage years wanting to die so badly, that if the right tools had been provided to me, I probably would have done it.
And I am very sad, that just remembering my life back then will, somehow, psychologically, just remembering life back then will bring back suicidal feelings.
I know memories aren't perfect, but the memory of the desire to die is clear.
There just was something so completely wrong with my life growing up. There was so much wrong in my world. And it wasn't just me either ---- my brother experienced pretty much the same thing as I, we both had severe psychological issues at that time. There obviously must've been something VERY WRONG with the situation.