Today, I was sitting in the van for a little while (less than 20, likely less than 10 minutes) and I decided I would play Telepathy 0 again while I waited.
For a while, I was getting pretty much zero telepathy inspiration, so I was generally getting the answers wrong --- but then I prayed to God and asked for help, and a voice in my head told me the answers to something like 2 or 3 FIVE Streaks in that short little period of time.
Basically, the point I'm making here is this::: I can pray to God for information or inspiration, and it is scientifically verifiable to be real that He responds, because I went from doing very poorly on my own just guessing, to getting at least a couple 5 streaks while I listened to a voice in my head tell me the answers.
So, this evening I've been laying in bed, bored out of my mind, and I ask God "What should I be doing? What am I supposed to do?"
Not very long afterward it became clear in my heart and in my mind that I'm neglecting to fall in love with my "wife".
Basically, after praying to God about what I'm supposed to do with my life, I had all kinds of thoughts and feelings enter my mind about how neglectful I am to some woman because I haven't loved her or married her.
My response? My response to that is the reason Avril Lavigne was such a great girl to try to date was because she was singing about me ---- and she could have paid for our relationship with the money she earned from singing about me.
I grew up poor. I still have never learned to drive a car. I am trying to save, I am trying to earn money,
but even with $200 a month in interest from investment (which I don't make yet) that still wouldn't be enough to have a wife or girlfriend.
I tried selling books and videogames, but people or somebody isn't paying me, so really, I'm high and dry without the cash I would need to afford a family or a girlfriend.
If I have a 0% chance of getting paid then I have a <20% chance of having a girlfriend, even if God is making me aware that I should be marrying.
With my income, as far as I see it ever being, I can only afford to take care of myself. Families are expensive. Living with a woman would be expensive.
So, I do sense the heartbreak, God has made it abundantly clear to me that I'm not lovey or loving enough, but really, I can't be, I can't afford it.
There are a number of other issues mixed in with why I find it so easy to stay single, but the biggest reason is that it would just be too expensive to pursue a relationship.
God has apparently made it clear to me that I'm supposed to love a woman. But I can't. Like the spiritual requirement to avoid masturbation completely conflicts with the natural requirement to have sex, God's idea that I should get married completely conflicts with the fact that I don't have the income to support a wife or family.
Also::: though God made it clear I was supposed to love a woman, he's never made it clear WHO this woman is. I have no clue what or which woman I am or was supposed to love.