Sunday, January 17, 2016

Heartbroken over a female friendshipper

Today I found I had an email.

It was from a girl, another girl who is looking for love.

From her email, she seems inviting, and her picture is pretty.

Deep down inside, there's a part of me that would want to take this girl up on her invitation to date me. I was talking to God recently about how it seems like I'll never reproduce and how you'd think I should've reproduced with how smart I was and how hard I work--- I was talking to God about how natural selection appears to be stopping me from having children.

So, anyway, if it was a concern on my mind that I'd never have children, perhaps God responded by having this girl write me an email inviting a date.

Yes --- deep down inside I would want to take this girl up on her offer, in my heart I think I would be capable of having such a relationship -----

But I already tried this once, a girl in email trying to fall in love. And I couldn't do it. Beyond paranoid reasons of why I can't just be with a girl from a different country, I also would have extreme difficulty affording it.

If the girl in this email isn't local, and she probably isn't, then the expense of dating her would be enough to set me back a while, only for a potential relationship that has an inborn chance of failing.

My budget is tight --- and I know I have to save up much if I ever want to move out of my parents' basement. A relationship seems good, but could I really afford it - and would I be able to get it past my parents?


Anyway, in my heart, I think I could fall in love again, and this girl looks to be just great for that sort of thing ------ but I am heartbroken as I think about it because for so many reasons I already know it might not work out.

I mean, I don't even want to respond to make the attempt --- and that does break my heart ---- and I feel bad to reject this girl.

I would probably want to take this girl up on her offer ----- but I don't get paid enough, is the most basic reason why I can't.


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In other news, I was telling my parents about how that statement by some people that "When God closes a door he opens a window" seems to be applying in my life::::

I tried to sell books and video games for the hope that I could make money to buy my own place, and people took my work and didn't pay anything - so God closed that door. But, God opened a window by crashing the local economy, and now there are many dwellings becoming available at lower and lower prices ----- so eventually with enough saving, if the market stays this way or gets better, I would or will eventually be able to buy a home --- maybe or probably.

So, before it was completely out of reach for me to have my own place. God closed a door when people didn't buy my work. But he opened a window by crashing the economy, making it "easier" to find a place to buy on my income and budget. yay!




And yeah, I feel bad that I can't just take this girl up on her offer and go on a date with her. It is heartbreaking. Deep down I feel I could be her friend, but realistically I know it's probably not worth trying. Ugh.

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