Friday, December 30, 2016

Watching Eaglets Hatch

I turned on my Forge TV a moment ago, and in my video feed there was a livestream from CBC showing::: Nothing other than a bald eagle hatching her eaglets.

OK -- by the time I tuned in, I think all the action was already over --- but just very interesting when my book is The Eagle's Sore, that Eaglets feature as a noun in the book,

and CBC is showing me this video on the system I develop for. Huh.

What does it all mean????




And then I logged into the Cortex Store and found TADA! ANOTHER free premium video game for me!! Yay!

1) I wonder if Cortex is actually paying me in free video games, until I have enough to own all the entitlements, and only after I own the whole library are they going to pay me eventually? dunno. Just speculation.

2) Because I have the full download of The Bard's Tale installed and I don't have the attention span to fully play through that game at this point, my 12Gb (yes, only 12Gb apparently) of storage on my forge isn't enough enough to hold all the games I want, and have gotten for free. Maybe usb storage is an option though I haven't tried it on here yet --- but yeah, the USB port can be used for the controller - which is sometimes necessary - and for plugging into my computer. And if I need it for USB storage too, who knows.



Yeah.

There's all kinds of fun to be had on the Forge TV --- the biggest issue with myself is lack of attention span. There are big premium games that have storylines and everything, but I often prefer games I can quickly play without having to think too hard ---- Though I'm sure I have a great attention span, it has deteriorated since my childhood I think.



So yeah. I wrote The Eagle's Sore. 2.6 million price tag on amazon.ca. Youtube told me I am in the 10% economically even though I only make less than 20k a year, and now CBC has shown me a video on my forge of an eagle hatching eaglets.





OH ----- and last night I was feeling kind of hopeless, like I have nothing to look forward to in life ------ but my Mom said "I'm sure everything will turn out just fine".


For what my Mom has said to be true::: My business must become successful, like, earning more than just 1 or 2 dollars a month.


My mom has predicted the future, that everything will turn out fine, so we'll see if my business ever gets anywhere.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Am I Schizophreniform or Schizoaffective?

When first taken to the psychiatric doctors, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia --- and that label seems to have pretty much stuck in my life.

But in 2010 when I completely exposed my LDS/Mormon patriarchal blessing to the doctors and nurses, it was only logical to understand that rather than being completely insane in and of my self, that I was actually RAISED by completely insane people and was told to believe in them by my own parents.

At that point, the doctors finally decided to downgrade my diagnosis to "schizphreniform", and though that was the new diagnosis ---- the label of schizophrenia seemed to be what stuck in the minds of most people.

But, my mental problems have been way more than just delusions and hallucinations and bad thinking problems ------

in the beginning, without the HDBTP (Hallucinations, Delusions and Bad Thinking Problems) you might've diagnosed me with major depressive disorder or bipolar or somesuch.

Basically::: I have moments when I'm feeling extremely high, and moments when I'm feeling extremely low.

This, combined with HDBTP, likely actually makes me SCHIZOAFFECTIVE --- which is even rarer than schizophrenia.

Whatever ---- the drug I takes treats both schizophrenia and schizoaffective, so now I will talk about some of my thoughts during these highs and lows:::

After a short time of drinking filtered coffee, I've noticed my coffee brand that my Dad gave me for christmas, Melitta, actually seems to help me feel good.

The instant coffee I had been drinking before kept me regular, tasted different, and has way less caffeine in it I think.

Melitta has a nice taste, wakes me right up just like English Breakfast Tea, and I think I can observe that I actually FEEL better emotionally when and after drinking it.

So, I guess I'll end this blog post by saying that coffee and tea are pretty much gifts from God like Manna from heaven,

So it's really stupifying to see how Mormons think they are somehow better people for not consuming these substances.

I was always told for so long that coffee and tea were bad and evil and whatever -- do not drink. It actually created a sense of moral superiority in me for not drinking them --- which is actually one of the stupidest delusions I think I've ever had.

I love Cofffee. I love Tea. They are awesome drinks, and though maybe it is better not to drink these as a child, when you become older try them out, they are AWESOME.

Who knows??? Maybe the LDS/Mormon church banned these drinks BECAUSE they are awesome, as if the church has just been joking all along.


Which is the other thing:::: Though seriously awful to deal with, I have to wonder if the creators of Mormonism created the religion as a JOKE rather than even trying to be serious.


If Joseph Smith knew he was just making it up ---- it only makes sense that he's going to laugh his ass off about it afterwards, and make the whole religion as a joke.

It kind of makes sense.


And some Mormon people might have a problem with me saying that, but when I look at everything I know about this religion, it does kind of seem to me like one big joke.


So::::: I may actually be schizoaffective when I diagnose myself,
Coffee and tea are wonderful drinks that seems to help me feel good,
and Mormonism may have been joking when they banned these wonderful drinks.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Trying to Deduce

So, I've been sitting here.

A few hours ago I wrote an email to my old psychiatric nurse about my problems about what's been going on here, you know hundreds of people want a free book, only one person purchases, like ---- if everyone wants it and it's so cheap - why not just buy it? Hundreds of people sign up for the giveaway yet only one person actually purchased a copy.

Something is wrong.

So I've been sitting here, thinking about stuff that's gone on.

I've figured out that I don't quite know what's been going on, but I don't have to necessarily blame a publisher, there are other options.

Like, in the past year I ordered some Bitcoin Mining ASICs from TWO different locations. Neither of them arrived.

So, at that point, I might wonder if a cheque was mailed to me, but it never arrived either --- I know I might risk reprisal from the post office for saying that, but hey, I had two items ordered, both never arrived, so maybe there was a cheque that never arrived either.


I know that my bank offered me a special non-public savings rate up to $500,000.

I know that I had a phonecall from another financial institution to discuss something about that account with me.

I know I had a phonecall from "a [unspecified] financial institution" to discuss the markets with me, and I found that a little suspicious.

If Amazon.ca is putting a 2.6 million price tag on my book, then that might explain why I'm having these things going on.

I don't know exactly who is trying to fuck me over, but it definitely seems like SOMEONE out there has a problem. I have no clue where to point any fingers though.

And google puts me in the top 10%, which is really strange when I make less than 20k a year.

I mean, with all the millionaires and billionaires, me with my puny 20k a year somehow ended up right in that top 10% bracket ---- yeah whatever.

So, the banks were checking me out. Two packages from ebay never arrived. Amazon and google seem to think I might be worth something, along with my bank maybe.

I do need to buy a house. I'm being told that I really should get moving out, and it's gonna be real tough on less than 20k a year, so if I'm actually richer than that, I'd like to have the money, so I can buy a place.




Please forgive me for being a bit asocial, I try to be a nice good person ------ but I'm of the opinion that certain four letter words are actually generally acceptable in most contexts, so I might "offend" some people (like my dad), but certain four letter words can just be used for effect to get a point across I think. Just my opinion.


So yeah, I had hundreds of people sign up for a giveaway, they all wanted a free copy of my book ---- and only one person actually paid for the book, as was reported to me.


Something is so wrong with that. Either society is unable to afford very small prices, or something else is wrong. Yeah.


I'm not blaming or accusing anyone, I just have a general idea that "it's a conspiracy!" or something. No idea who though. No idea exactly what.

Just stuff that goes on.

Now where'd I put my tinfoil hat? ;)

Coming down after the high

So, for Christmas I tried to appreciate all the care my people have shown me over the years, and that let me feel good.

And as a gift, my Dad is helping me transition from instant coffee to more traditional coffee brewed at home.

After my first cup of home brewed traditional coffee, I could say I felt like I was a God ---

and now I think I'm coming down off of that high. Here's why:::

I started feeling a little bit bad about my brother's condition and wondering if I shouldn't be saying anything about it at all. Yesterday's story is true, but is it wrong for me to tell it?

And then I started feeling bad about all the whining and complaining I do about my lack of sales ---- at least Author Solutions sent me another message before Christmas, so I don't think I'm quite in their bad books if they are still talking to me, which is good ------

But I've learned from Youtube that lots of people can't handle their personal finances very well, and that there are massive debt problems in our society ------ and knowing this is also a little depressing for me.

And though further away, though we are aware, there's been all kinds of poverty for other people out there in the world.

I was on a bit of a high, but now I'm feeling just a bit down about stuff like this.


If I felt like God ---- you know what an atheist would say? That GOD should do more to solve all these problems.


As that anti-materialism video said::: if I was watching that video then I'm in the top 10% economically.

I'm a little puzzled if that's true, but if it is true, then that means the vast majority of the world has serious, serious problems.

I know I'm kind of wealthy, but if I'm in the top 10% that doesn't say anything great about the condition of the lower 90%.  Very sad.  So depressing.

Considering that the USA is 5% of the world's population, that might explain how I got into the top 10%, but I can't really know for certain how that was determined.

I've known despair all too well through my life, I want to think and concentrate on good and positive things, hoping for a good and positive effect,

but even so, just coming down off my Christmas high.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Brother's Home for Christmas

My talk recently of the big push to move me out of my parents' house started when I wanted to move out because I couldn't handle being around my older brother, who also lives at home.

For the past year, my brother was undergoing different medication changes, and the whole thing was a flop, essentially, and he was, well, very very insane during that time, and I couldn't handle being around it so I really started wanting to move out.

Well, several weeks ago, my parents took my brother to the hospital, where he has been "living", getting treatment.

He's on his original old medication again ---- and it turns out, this is the stuff that helps him think, without this one special medication he's hopelessly lost in insanity. Worse insanity than my own.

There were a lot of really strange things about his behaviour before he went into hospital, but I think I will say the one that really gets me wondering here:

His cineplex scene card and his credit card somehow got cut in half. As far as anyone knows, only my brother in his own insanity would have done that. Yet, in hospital, and now that he's out of hospital -- he had no idea what happened to his credit card. In hospital he would ask for his credit card, like it was really important, and my dad found it, cut up.

And now that he's back for a day pass this christmas day, he is surprised to find that his cards were cut up.

No one really knows how they got cut up, but all the rest of us suspect he did it to himself in his insanity. And he completely forgot that he did it. And really makes no sense at all to cut up the scene card.

So, I should respect my brother's privacy --- but yeah, the whole push for me to move out started because I couldn't handle being around him when he's not well.

And on this one chemical he takes, he gets a LOT better.

It feels kind of too bad that I'm now set on a course to move out now that he's recovering, but hey, we'll see if this 2.6 million price tag at amazon.ca means anything.

In the past year, I know my mom received a letter from some charity that implicitly asked her for $100,000. That was really strange, because we'd have to sell our house to have that kind of money --- just really weird.

Yeah, in one anti-materialism youtube video I watched recently the video creator told me that "if you are watching this video, chances are you are in the top 10% of the world economically".

That's a really striking thing to say, considering I only recently subdued my massive credit card debt, and buying a new iMac would lower my net worth considerably.

So, hopefully this 2.6 million price tag is good news, although it is kind of puzzling and I just have to wonder.

Thanks everyone.

Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 23, 2016

$2.6 million? Seriously?

Maybe the bookstores are now punishing me, or whatever, because availability of The Book of Finch appears to be limited on amazon.ca.


But what's really interesting is this:::

I looked at amazon.ca this evening, seeing my books, and I saw that someone is trying to sell a copy of The Eagle's Sore for 2.6 million CAD.


Now I really have no idea what to think.


The price of first edition book of finch is rocketing past $2000, and The Eagle's Sore is apparently at 2.6 million.


?????




That is an actual screenshot from my iPad.


I wonder if the internet is being hidden from me, if I don't receive fan mail and stuff like that. I don't know.



With how unpopular I feel often times, I really have to wonder about this now. 2.6 million for The Eagle's Sore huh? Wow. I'm in awe.  Not quite sure how that is though.


It all feels so disastrous, making no money, trying not to blame or accuse, seeing my books fail, and wondering how this $2.6 million price tag came up.


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In other news, I've discovered the joys of WINE (wine is not an emulator) on gnu/linux on my edubuntu machine.  Installed some old games from the 90s and had a blast. Loving memories of my childhood.  Thanks gnu/linux and wine developers for letting the memories replay.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I think life is a struggle for most people - Merry Christmas

My father's timeline for me to move out, as far as I am thus aware, is within the next 2 years.

And true to cliche, I would like to make as much money as possible to facilitate the independent living goodness.

And though it's a disappointment that I don't make much with my work: I realize life is a struggle for a lot of people throughout the world, so I should just take it easy with people who can't or don't pay me.

I don't want a confrontation with publishers largely because I actually truly have no idea what's really going on:

like OUYA may regularly rank free games over paid games, for whatever reason,

and maybe these online bookstores recycled my books for their paper because nobody was buying.



Knowing something of struggles in the third world countries, and also knowing there's a huge debt crisis in western countries, I realize that life is a struggle for so many people. I'm guessing the larger portion of the human population is just struggling to get by, that it's a struggle for all of us --- so I'll try not to condemn anyone if I can help it.


And thank you, all you people from around the world that visit this blog --- I don't know who you are, but you give me someone to talk to, which is good because I am very lonely, having just family and a psychiatric community to talk to --- not really much in the way of friends.


And I am thankful for the psychiatric community --- for so long I rejected and questioned them --- but they have turned out to be immensely helpful throughout my life.


And my family keeps me company, and is the big reason I have help from the psychiatric community.



I hope to go through Christmas with a positive attitude, and leave my blog with positivity and warmness.


Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving and peaceful --- things I hope for all man kind.

Merry Christmas.

It'd be funny and all too expectable if I wrote this post shortly before Christmas, to wish a merry Christmas, only to come up with more to say on the holiday. OH well.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Realizing Something is Wrong

Today I met again with a doctor and nurse in the psychiatric hospital.

In reference to me getting housing, or even a mortgage, the nurse said I SHOULD have an RSP (Retirement Savings Plan in Canada) ---- but my Dad and I realize that an RSP -- which defers taxes -- is useless for me because I typically don't pay tax on my income.

But realizing how the nurse said RSPs are so freakin' wonderful and how i should have one ----


I then realized something moments ago::::

If the government really was taxing me 99%, then yeah, I should have an RRSP to have some of those taxes deferred and to save up for old age ----

So, basically, if the government is taxing me 99% -- then they are being REALLY "DICKISH" by taking my money without telling me how much I earn, making me incapable of deferring taxes and saving for old age.

Would the government really do that to me? Make me lose out on retirement savings because they don't want to let me know how much I earn???

Chances are, the government WOULDN'T actually do that.

So:::: Either people just don't pay for anything,

or worse.




When someone recently bought coconuts versus bananas, it shot up to 617 on the O-Rank.

One sale put that game at 617.

So how did Doorless Darts get to better than 100 with only one sale?

And why is Air Defence, a game that gives me a $9.99 donation when purchased, why is this game at 541 on the O-Rank and outranking CvB which is the only game I've actually sold in the past month??

One game sells, and then another game ranks higher than the game that sold WITH NO SALE REPORTED.


What the heck?  How the heck does the O-Rank work anyway? You'd think games would rank higher when they sell --- if games that sell rank lower than games that don't sell -- WHAT THE HECK?????



Either the average joe in our western society treats me like crap by not buying anything from me ----

Or, and this is quite possible, and highly hoped against, something just isn't right with the publisher's ranking system, something seems dishonest.


Actually, to be completely serious ---- in some ways I know OUYA/Cortex doesn't report perfectly, I KNOW THIS from experience,

and I also had one experience where I forced authorhouse to admit that they didn't pay me for a book that I bought from myself -----

So knowing from personal friendships that OUYA has problems reporting, and knowing that I once caught AuthorHouse not reporting -----

I can't help but really wonder if something is really wrong. I HATE to make accusations,

but the O-Rank is telling me that a game that received a 2/10 rating from OUYA Forum and hasn't sold any copies for a long time is ranking higher than my other really fun game that DID sell a copy.


Something just isn't right. Either society, or someone at these companies -- is doing me wrong.


Either society just won't pay me the smallest price for any effort, regardless of all I give for free, which makes society friggin' awful,

Or someone at these companies I publish through has made a mistake.

And I don't want to accuse, but this is the way I'm seeing it now.


Sometimes bookstores on the Amazon Marketplace will keep an even number of my books in stock, like 10 of each book in stock.  Well, for some reason one of my books has less than 10 copies in stock, while the other books all have 10, and nothing has been reported. And this has happened before, and I really have to wonder.


It's absolutely sick that people behave this way. I don't want to accuse anyone --- but with the evidence presented to me, What am I supposed to think?

And this comes with the big reveal from a psychiatric nurse that if the government is taxing me 99%, that I should have a tax-deferred retirement account at that point.

Bloody heck.



ADDITIONAL::::

After publishing this post, as if telepathically, my mind was filled with choruses of "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE" ---- just mimicking and repeating D&C 64 from the LDS Mormon Church where we are required to forgive all men.

What is forgiveness anyway?

1) My mom screamed at me like a rabid demon possessed person simply because I played a video game on Sunday when I was 16 or 17 years old.

2) The Liability parents screamed at me like a rabidly demonically possessed individual simply because I was friends with their daughter.

3) The church penailzed me for confessing to masturbation.

4) The church was going to lay charges against me for what I did to their car until they decided their travelling preacher was actually schizophrenic.


Basically, with all the threats the church makes saying "YOU ARE REQUIRED TO FORGIVE" ----

Well, with all the times the church treated me like the list above ---- that requirement to forgive obviously doesn't mean very much.


Just today I was telling me Dad about how weird it is that a church that says they forgive all men would then start punishing people for things that aren't even wrong.

The church can F*** off now.

And it's just too bad that my mom and sisters don't seem to realize how wrong their church is.

It's like I'm seriously being held back by some magic force in my life at this point. Who knows if I've been cursed.


But yeah ---- the LDS church says they forgive all men, but then they criticize and condemn people for playing with cards, drinking coffee, and a zillion other things they think are so bloody wrong that actually aren't.


The WHOLE POINT of The Eagle's Sore is just to show people how STUPID that forgiveness policy really is. That was the whole point.


I do understand a value to forgiveness --- but the Requirement to forgive can fuck off.



So yeah, something is serioiusly wrong every step of the way through my life it seems ---- and one of the problems is the females in my family just CAN'T seem to figure out how wrong their beliefs are. it's like they aren't thinking or are hiding their heads in the sand or something.

It's pretty dumb at this point.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Feeling Better in my Heart

I was about to sit here alone, about to start a pity party, or a session of depression, thinking about all the disappointments I've experienced over the years, starting to wonder if people don't care about me, or don't value me, thinking about all kinds of hurt I've experienced.

But then I realized:: I get a disability benefit, I got Avril Lavigne befriending me (or attempting to), I got an increaase to that disability benefit --- I even got a pretty decent cheap education ----

And I realized -- THE WORLD DOES CARE!!!  Or at least, Canadian/Albertan society has cared for me.

And as I sat here thinking about how much people have cared for me, the good my society has brought me --- I started feeling considerably better in my heart.

Rather than focusing on all the negatives, I began to focus on all the good things, I focused on all the help and care and support I've received ----- and I physically started to feel better, happier in my heart.

So, I guess that might be good for a Christmas message::: think about all the good things, think about all the people who were kind and who cared ----- Just thinking about things like this brought warm feelings to my heart.

Be optimistic.

Interest versus Lack of Reporting

In my last post I complained about how the LDS Mormon church doesn't appear to care about what I said in my books --- I say this because of the complete dearth of sales reports.

But this morning I was looking at Amazon.ca and again, I realized that my sales might not be so reported and my earnings might get diverted.

What is my evidence?

1) ONLY 1 COPY OF THE EAGLE'S SORE LEFT IT STOCK ---
If nobody was buying this book, why would they have any copies in stock? What the heck?

2) The Book of Finch FIRST EDITION selling for over $1100 now.
If nobody was interested in my books, who in their right mind would try to sell first edition for that much??

3) There is some, it seems like, evidence that The Book of Finch sells sometimes --- I've noticed this repeatedly in different places over time ----
YET NO SALES REPORTED.


So yeah ---- Maybe people are interested in my work, and therefore it's wrong for me to complain about people not taking interest ----



But considering all the money I spent to publish and advertise my books (A LOT OF MONEY), it's a bit disappointing that I'm always facing completely empty sales reports.


What the heck is the problem here????? Does the government take or withhold my earnings? Which government?


I mean, considering all the money the government has pumped into me to keep me going, it wouldn't be a huge surprise if the government had me at a 99% tax rate ---


And though I am happy to share with my fellow man on so many occasions, it's just so disheartening for me to see no sales reports.

Especially when I would LOVE to buy a place for me to live, but it's beyond my reach likely for years.


Part of the fun of writing books and video games is just seeing sales reported --- but that fun has largely eluded me.

It's disheartening.

Though I could publish another book, why would I if I don't think I'm being dealt with honestly?  If I can't expect any gain from my effort --- why bother again?



So basically:::: I see hints and evidences that my sales in reality are far higher in number than the sales that actually get reported to me (often, nothing).


It might be for a realistic reason, like the government,


but it's entirely disheartening, and with the dishonesty it's hard to want to continue.


I spent at least a few thousand dollars on these projects ---- it's really too bad I'm not seeing the payout.


ADDITIONAL:::

I might as well also mention that I am well aware that when I give books away freely that there will be hordes of downloads. That just doesn't translate into sales of anything.

I am also aware that, supposedly, certain pirating sites illegally distributed thousands of my books.


I don't truly know exactly what's going on anywhere ----- but it's just really disheartening when people aren't being honest with me, when, apparently, the majority of people don't care about compensating me the smallest amount of money.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

The Mormon Church DOESN'T CARE

After being given a patriarchal blessing by an LDS/Mormon Patriarch that said I'd be a travelling preacher to the nations, you'd think the church would've cared about me a bit more.

What did the church do when I was being told I was crazy for believing in miracles? Nothing! They couldn't or wouldn't defend my belief. They just let me be depicted as schizophrenic --- they even upheld that I was schizophrenic ---- on one hand the church has told me I'll be a travelling preacher who'll work miracles, but then they decide to just go with the "schizophrenic" label --- as if that was ever going to make sense for them to have me as a travelling preacher.

When presented with defamatory comments about me by another church member -- the church just accepted it as fact and couldn't be bothered to question the validity of the statements --- even though I had absolute proof the statements were false --- the church didn't care.

And if I ever seemed evil towards the Mormons, if I ever seemed to become a bit persecutory towards them ---- if I cursed them, they were supposed to bless me (according to their own supreme leader, Jesus), if I ever persecuted them, they were supposed to do good to me (according to their own supreme leader, Jesus) ----

I mean, you'd think that if I was the prodigal son or the lost sheep, that the church would want me to come back and celebrate me for it ----- but do they? Not really.

ONLY ONE member of the Mormon church has done anything to express much care about me -- and she was a child in a member family that actually helped convert my family to the church.

I mean, it took her a few years to finally come along and see what I was doing ---- but she was like, the ONLY member of the church who seemed to care at all -------- Most of the church doesn't actually give any number of whoots about me, they prefer their travelling preacher to be considered schizophrenic, they prefer to believe in defamation against him, and they don't care to welcome him back.

I mean, if the church really wanted me back --- then they would HAVE to buy and read my books, to see what I already know and think ---- BUT THEY DON'T.

I mean, even if I said anything evil about or towards them in my book ----- according to their leader Jesus Christ, they are supposed to bless me and do good to me for the evil I might have done to them----- BUT THEY DON'T CARE.

They didn't care if I supported them. They didn't care if I bring them down.


You'd think that if they really wanted me to be a travelling preacher to the nations that they would provide me with more economic support - don't you think? And what better way to provide economic support to someone than SUPPORTING THEIR BUSINESS.

I mean, seriously ---- I need like so much economic success before I can travel and preach for the church ------- but they honestly don't even bother to support my business.


If I'm a miracle worker, then they don't defend me against the label of "schizophrenic".

If I'm evil towards them, they don't bother to actually obey Jesus and do me some good.

They wanted me to be a travelling preacher, but then they wouldn't be bothered to support me in my business.


What am I supposed to think?


My Mom sums if up this way::: The members of the church just have different tastes in books and other entertainment.


But if this church really was so bloody freakin' "spend two years of my life dedicated to this organization" important to them, you'd think they'd support my business and give me some financial success so that I could actually DO what they said I should do.

But they don't.


Basically, the church makes it seem so friggin' important to do all kinds of stuff ---- but then they just don't seem to care about me at all. They want me to be their travelling preacher ---- but then they just accept that I'm schizophrenic and they don't do me any good one way or another.

I mean, I think last year they invited me to their christmas party, but even if I went to their christmas party, do you think they were going to buy and read my books? Probably not.


My mom basically made an excuse that different people are just interested in different things than what I produced:::


but seriously, if the church really cared about me enough to make me be their travelling preacher, you'd think they'd actually be buying my products. But they don't.


Even if I seemed a little evil towards the church at this point or that point, they should still be doing good for me, but they don't. They don't even follow that simple commandment by Jesus.


They wanted me to be a miracle worked and a travelling preacher, but they don't care that I was labelled 'schizophrenic' and forced on drugs, they wouldn't bother to lift a finger to defend the beliefs they gave me.

They just don't care. It's like they are completely apathetic.

Why should I bother being involved with them after this? There seems to be very little to no point.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

In Reference to Yesterday's Post

In yesterday's post I said I was getting these text messages telling me about these things I could do to get rich.

Today I got another text message, and this one explained to me that they send me these messages because I was actually REFERRED to their service by a friend.

I am a man of very few friends.

Today's text message came from the area code of Palm Beach Florida.

Though there is some small possibility that this was a reference to maybe a Mormon friend I have or had who I'm still on pretty good terms with ----

It seems that chances are the highest that this friend may have been Avril Lavigne. She called me a while back --- she knew this phone number.

Yeah, it just seems most likely to be from Avril.  Who else? Some small possibility someone from church ---- but I'm not so sure about that.

Actually, I looked at theavrillavignefoundation.com today and saw two things::: they've kind of messed up their paypal donations contact, so it's harder for me to donate now ---- but they've also added a "Join" option on their website where you can apparently JOIN the Avril Lavigne Foundation. Weird.



But despite there being some possibility that these get-rich offers may have originated from Avril, I think I will remain slow on the uptake, very cautious and reserved.

Can never be too sure, or too careful.



But in all seriousness, I am remembering right at the beginning of receiving these texts and immediately suspecting it may have been from Avril --- the day before I had sent her an email, I think the email said it was way too hard to make money trying to sell things, so I think my mind suspected it was her who signed me up for this get-rich stuff because she wanted to help me.


So ---- I suspected it at the beginning of these text messages for a reason, and now the text messages have confirmed they are referrals from a friend.

Yeah. Hmmm.


I'm just thinking I'd have to be incredibly brave (or stupid, maybe) to take up these offers --- just never really too sure what to think.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Unsettling Voice Message

Moments ago my phone told me I've received a new voice message. No ringer. Just a message.

I listened to the message:

It sounded like something was moving really-really fast. Like, maybe the caller was in a car or a train that was moving really-really fast.

After a little while of that sound, he said "Hello, Kristian? ---------- Kristian?--------- Kristian?". Hung up after a little bit.

The best explanation I can think of for where a voice message would come from where I don't even hear the phone ring, is if you are a caller who is, in any opinion, considered questionable in terms of, let's say, legitimacy.

Basically:: I used a handy little app on my phone to block all kinds of questionable callers.

Obviously they know who I am and how to contact me.




But I've known this for a while now::: for along time I've been receiving text messages with plots and plans of these people saying they want to help me become very-very rich.


I suppose it's nice that someone would care enough about me to offer another way to become rich ----

But we live in a world of "buyer beware", where so many people can't really be trusted, and that feeling just sinks in that the offer may be too good to be true.



Thanks for thinking about letting me be wealthy, if you want to help, I take paypal or bitcoin donations.


But if this involves me putting money in first, not really interested::: I've already had so much bad experience with one problem after another.


Just can't trust people it seems. And if your call went straight to voice mail on my phone --- then chances are people don't trust you. Hah.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

A Man and his Guardians

Strange experience today.

Someone came to our door this morning - my Dad answered.

The man at the door started asking of we've received some kind of energy rebate I think was worth $50.

Immediately, this seems like a messed up situation because it wasn't too long ago when the Provincial government announced that door-to-door energy salesmen were no longer legal.

He didn't quite seem to be a salesman - but it was energy related, it was at our door, but it was about some kind of energy rebate.

It got stranger when he pointed out that he had three (3) body guards with him, who were standing on our front walkway.

When my Dad told him that we had to leave soon, he asked when he could come back to discuss it some more --- WTF????

I am just wondering ---- who goes around with three body guards to discuss energy rebates, and then will even take the time to come back and discuss it later?

Something is SERIOUSLY WEIRD about that.

Was it organized crime?
Was it a rock back or musical group?
Was it Jesus and his guardian angels?

I mean - what the heck??? It doesn't seriously make sense to me that this would happen - yet it did --- it doesn't pan out or seem totally logical in any way.

MAYBE it had something to do with green energy --- but it's still seriously weird because door-to-door energy salesmen are ILLEGAL now, where I am.

Just the strangest thing ever.

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But another one of those really weird moments I had in the past months::: when "Avril Lavigne" gave me my psychiatric injection some weeks ago ----- turned out that was a body double---- there's a nurse who works at that hospital who just appears to look considerably like Avril Lavigne. It's not Avril though. This is simply of interest now because that injection took place just days after Halloween.

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But yeah --- the situation we faced today didn't make a whole lot of sense. Who the heck has 4 people running around talking about $50 rebates and they'll come back later because somehow that's somehow important and worthwhile to do with 4 people?

The heck?

I'd sit there seriously thinking about how "Jesus-y" the experience was --- but yeah, who wanders around in groups of 4? Like, a musical group maybe? No idea.

UPDATE::::: 11:19PM

I just realized something. There were 4 of them and my Dad.

Maybe they were energy salesmen --- but if they were confronted legally about it --- at that point they might try to claim "Freedom to peacefully assemble", as it's mentioned in the constitution if I remember correctly.

To be honest --- that's a very interesting tactic, because the constitution, if a judge agrees, could make that kind of behaviour legal.

But let us never forget to around the turn of the millenium when us high school students were being told by our teachers that the government of alberta made it illegal for the teachers to peacefully assemble in larger than small meetings ---- I'm guessing the notwithstanding clause may have been used. Not sure. Can't totally remember. I just remember one of the teachers (I kind of remember) telling us such a thing.

So yeah. Door-to-door energy salesmen are illegal, but in groups of 4 they might call down their constitutional right to assemble as such. Very interesting.

Monday, December 12, 2016

A New Account at ALC

In my last post I said it was suggested I could write another book, and I figured I might, or maybe could.

This morning I checked my email and found that the Author Learning Centre (a website that is part of the Author Solutions banner, where I originally was put on the mailing list by using AuthorHouse) --- has given me some kind of new account that I can actually use, apparently without having to pay, I think?

So weird. You used to have to pay for this website. Now I've magically got some kind of new account that I didn't have to pay for? Not sure.

It's kind of like how, somehow, when I originally used Mixamo for my games I was able to get some freebies from the site but most of their availables had to be paid for ---- but in later usage of that site, everything suddenly became free for me --- never seeing a price tag again.

This kind of thing really makes a guy wonder. Am I actually so profitable that services I use or would use for my businesses somehow get bought and paid for without me touching the money?

I have to wonder what really goes on. From what I'm told on my computer, I am very unsuccessful ---- but the websites that tell me this have enough obvious errors in them appear over time you can't help but wonder what the actual truth is.

I mean, you buy a game and it goes up to 600 on the O-Rank --- yet your own game was ranked better than 100 with only 1 sale.   Things like that make you wonder what actually goes on.

I'm actually guessing that the GOVERNMENT is managing my earnings for me.

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As for government, and my Dad with his new shiny Certificate of Merit from the Conservative Party, it's weird how the other day I was talking to him about how Pure Capitalism wouldn't work and how Pure Socialism wouldn't work, but then he decided to argue for the socialists saying:

"Actually, pure socialism WOULD work --- the problem is some people just get greedy".

As my Dad enters his old age, and socialist parties value the elderly more, he's suddenly argued in favour of economic equality.

He's often very conservative thinking, but in this one recent episode he suddenly became a socialist. Wow.

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I can often think of so much to say, but right now I'm almost blank.

But did think of this much to tell you:::: For so long I've been treated like I'm so insane, I have been called COMPLETELY CRAZY -----

the problem with that statement is that if I'm 100% crazy, then that means my older brother is 200% crazy, and that doesn't make sense.

It just makes me wonder if people confuse me with my brother. You know, they may hear that my brother is crazy, and then when they encounter me, they think I'm my brother.

Because to be completely honest::: if you think I'm completely crazy, you obviously don't have any idea what "completely crazy" actually is.

I'm a lot saner than a lot of people would seem to believe ---- if you want someone who went completely out of their mind, your more likely to find such a case in my brother.

If you were to compare my symptoms with my brother's symptoms, you'd find that my symptoms are actually comparatively mild ---- the biggest problem people experienced with me is that I went all angry because of the shit hand I was dealt in life ------

My brother is worse than that. He might not be all angry all the time like I was ----- but my brain functions quite a bit better than his actually.

Just sayin' ---- people who say I'm completely insane don't know what "completely insane" is. They really don't.

Just makes me wonder if people confuse me with my brother.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

My Life's News

I was just trying to login to Amazon --- basically there are some problems. It might be due to previous problems I was having before, or it might be because they've changed one of their services I've used a bit and the software has bugs. Whatever the case:: I sent them a message to explain my problem.


Anyway, what's going on in my life?

One of the biggest pieces of news I could think of, as I sat alone in my bed room, is that in the past months about 2-4 females seemed to express at least mild interest in me. Mild. I stress the word "mild".

I suppose I am kind of handsome, but I'm guessing it's the Apple Watch they like. Just my guess.

And thinking about this, I look back on my life and realize there has been some level of interest from females in me for many years.

All these girls with mild interest in me almost might make me seem like an "alpha" male, but I realize I live in my parents' basement and it's likely going to take help from social services to movie me out, so at that point I'm also kind of an omega male at the same time.

Who knows --- Maybe I'm like the rumoured "zeta" male I once heard about. I dunno.



Someone recently suggested to me that I should publish another sequel to The Book of Finch ---- I have worked on another book already actually, and it does have good content ------ but when nobody pays me, and I'm not sure how much I really want to discuss the new information in a book format ----- I'm not too sure I'll release this book, or at least not yet. Or maybe I will. I'll have to think about it.


So::: there's some interest in a new book, I'm just not sure it'd be worth it to release.


The interesting thing is how I've written so much blog, and I've written this draft of a new book ---- when I go back and re-read what I've written from just years ago, I realize I've forgotten so much, and that it's a good idea to keep a written record just to make sure you are able to remember the things that were once going on. I'm surprised at how much I forget.



So:::: especially if I'm going to publish a new book ----- I hope Amazon manages to fix whatever bug they're having with my account, whether the bug is caused by me having some problems earlier or whether it's just a new system they've put in place and it's not perfect yet. I did notice they appear to have some new software on one of their services I use. maybe it's just a new software bug.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Planning

In a recent newsletter from Plan Canada I received recently, they said one or two of the places they've been charitably helping don't need their help anymore - the situation at those locations has improved.

And then, I am also realizing that my parents DO want me to move out at some point, and I NEED to make as much money as possible, so donating to charity and low-return ethical investing might not work so well.

Aggh.

My brother is away from home right now, so it feels totally safe to stay living with my parents --- but if things go wrong again, then I'll be wanting to get out pronto most likely.

It's just too bad that where I end up in my future housing pretty much entirely depends on the mercies of the local social welfare system.

Really::: beggars can't be choosers, so because I never really got paid much for my books and haven't been paid for my video games ---- I can't really make much personal choice about where I'm going to live, unless I stay at home and in the vicinity of a potentially crazy family member.

So::: there you go::: I could stay at home, invest ethically and charitably ---- but my parents will eventually want me out and I don't like being around a crazy brother ----

so I should save up as much as possible and make profitable investments to help,

and in the end, since people decided to not pay me for my work ---- I don't really have much choice in where I'll end up living anyway. Huh.


For the longest time I was planning that I would just live with my brother, either we'd stay at home and live together at home or we'd move out together --- that we'd be each other's support ---- but now that I've seen what he's like when he's not taking the right meds, now that I am reminded of how bad his problems are ------ I can't do it with my brother anymore. I need to be more independent, but I don't get much choice and, yeah, people just didn't pay me.

Huh.

I might be able to stay with my parents for a few more years---- and when I move out, I don't suspect I'll have much choice about where I end up.

So it's really just too bad.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Saving the World

With the onset and return of severe mental illness in my brother, I have been wanting to move away from my parents' house, because I can't deal with my brother when he's sick --- and if my parents pass away, and it's just me and him living together, if he ever gets sick again --- I won't be able to deal with it.

With my talk of moving out, my Sister, with the help of health care workers, has started to make a real push to get me to move out.

But I'm wondering if it'll largely be a waste of money and a good opportunity, simply because of my brother's mental illness.



After watching Youtube videos decrying our society's materialism, I realize that I could try to have an impact, try to make a difference in the world with the resources I have, and my general lack of debt.


I could invest in ethical and eco and socially responsible investments. I could help save the world, essentially.




On one hand I could be selfish and live by myself ---- but that would take up resources and wouldn't help anyone but me.



On the other hand, I could help take care of my parents in their old age, which is something Jesus would do according to the Bible --- and I could invest in ethical investments and support charity.



I was thinking I would have to give up on the charities once I started contributing to my parents more or living on my own ---- but maybe I won't have to.



So:::: I know everyone is so eager for me to get going on my own, but for ethical reasons it makes more sense for me to live at home with my parents and invest ethically, to benefit the world and mankind as a whole, rather than just selfishly looking out for just myself.



I can only hope that my brother's symptoms will come under control and remain under control.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Confused

it seems that people are getting really interested in moving me out of my parents' home. It does kind of make sense to do this --- I just hope I can fit all the requirements in a budget, and hopefully save up investments.


Today I was talking to my Dad about how strange it was that I was raised in a church that would issue propaganda at Especially for Youth about believing in miracles, so we would believe in miracles, and how the church specifically and explicitly told me I would work miracles, and then they ended up putting me into psychiatry that wouldn't allow me to believe in miracles.

To me, it just seems kind of wrong that the church would raise me to believe in something that they would then put me into a program where I'm not allowed to believe in it anymore.

essentially:::: I got my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia because I believed in miracles. The doctors made it very clear the miracles were wrong. And the church did not defend my belief.


But then as I was talking to my Dad about this::: boom! Suddenly it's OK to believe in miracles again, because my Dad said he believes in miracles.

I'm getting so confused.


I was told to believe in things, then told not to believe in those things, being forced on drugs for believing in them, and now I'm allowed to believe again.


Makes no sense at all. Why didn't the church ever defend my belief? Why didn't my Dad defend my belief?


I was raised to believe, then told not to believe under threat of detention and medication, and then it's suddenly OK to believe again.

What the heck???

But, I suppose all the problems that the church never solved or even caused has helped both me and my Dad decide that the church is just BS.

We believe in God, we believe in miracles ----- but the LDS Mormon church has so many problems, we don't believe in it in the way that they did.

Just so weird. Drugged for how I was raised, and then still being drugged but for "different reasons" now. No idea.


The doctors used to be "hardcore against miracles", but now it's totally OK to have miracles. Doesn't change the need to take medications though. Not sure why.


Who knows??? Maybe mental illness legislation is just a way for the good people who believe in God to take it easy and get some rest after being screwed over. That's pretty much what it's been for me.


I'm not sure I will ever understand::: raised to believe, drugged for believing, and now I'm still allowed to believe again. Makes no sense at all.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Happy 777th Post to me

Well, it's been a bunch of years, and a bunch of work, and now I've reached my 777th post.

Last night I was wondering about how insane I was to put my life out on the internet like this --- especially when it was nearly pointless financially -----

but yeah, I really was insane::::: I have had never ending psychological problems about the LDS Mormon church ---- just this morning I just felt I had to talk to my Dad AGAIN about how my mind is blown by how the the LDS Mormons practise "Forgiveness".

I am getting better, I am recovering, I discuss it less and less, and it bothers me less and less ---- but it does still bother me.

I am a psycho case, though I appear to be getting better.

So it's crazy I put my life out online like that considering the lack of financial benefit --- but yeah, I was crazy, having serious issues trying to understand my religion.

I suppose I "celebrated" 777 post day by buying a really cool indoor flying rc helicopter toy that shoots darts.

By later in the afternoon I had developed enough skill flying it to fly it from the living room to the kitchen, and then fire a dart hitting the chandelier -- although the chandelier was not my target. Sorry, no pics.

Life is really enjoyable in some ways part of the time, and in other ways other of the time it's an absolute misery. Things are OK for me right now though.

Oh --- OUYA responded to me on twitter about those downloads --- it was internal testing and fixing analytics bugs. Good to know.

Well, I guess I'm just another failed business, being kept afloat by the government's "investment" in me. I'm really just doing this all as an individual --- but it's like a business, I guess. Not successful financially though.

I know I shouldn't complain. I just look at these years of effort and wish people had been kinder. The world needs kindness and love.

Anyway. Yeah. 777th post. Yay me.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Curiosity and Questions

In the past 3 days, my game Coconuts versus Bananas has been downloaded 10 times. The Bananatree Brothers was downloaded 5 times. If the system worked as you'd think it should, I should have made $25 from this ---- but no, nothing has been reported but the downloads. (no sales)

I am very curious about what is going on here.

Yesterday I tried sending a tweet to OUYA, asking about this, and this morning I checked the tweet's stats and found it only had 3 impressions.

That means I'm probably like, the only guy who saw the tweet. None of my 300+ followers even saw it.

Am I in trouble?

Anyway. Yeah. I have speculations about what's going on, but I can't really be too sure --- even telepathy is highly flawed. I am very limited in what I can understand, I can speculate, but I know that not everything that passes through my head is actually true --- so I don't really fully know.

I'm just really really curious. I can think of all kinds of possibilities --- but which is the truth?

Though I've been supporting socialism for years now --- I have to admit my psychology is a bit messed up about the possibility or potential of becoming rich, but then slamming into a glass ceiling that says I need to share with someone else.

I totally know that the poor need help - I totally get that ------ but I used to be a capitalist before I was a socialist, and years before the switch I set a goal for myself to make a million dollars ---- so psychologically I'm kind of in a bit of a weird state.

It's kind of like how I once totally supported the mormon church, and now I don't. The person who I used to be has a past that still runs into the future, even though I've changed course. It might be a little difficult to explain.

I guess I just have huge curiosity about why I'm not making money.

Am I in trouble?

Am I helping others?

Who knows.

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As I think about the possibility that I might be facing trouble --- it's sad for me --- growing up I always tried to be a good boy. But that doesn't stop half a classroom of schoolmates from trying to hypnotize me to do things I shouldn't do.

It doesn't stop a bishop from being corrupt, or the church from never even being true in the first place --- it doesn't stop all kinds of normal human psychological frailty.

I suppose it's good if I'm helping others ---- but if I'm in trouble, then I'm sad because I always tried to do what I thought was right, unless at the time I really was just being completely insane ---- but that's insanity, and not me.

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Anyway - just think: 10 copies of Coconuts versus Bananas distributed --- 4 players per game ----- that's 40 people who all apparently couldn't afford $2. I've only ever sold one copy of that game, and before that the previous sale was refunded.

Well, Youtube has tried to explain to me that there are a lot of really poor people in the world. So huh.


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I guess my path to wealth is a social benefit and a tax-free savings account, rather than actual work. Something is very weird about that. Just so strange.


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I just remembered:: the LDS Church was always teaching me about "service work", which is just a new term for slavery:::: The LDS church was teaching us, expecting us to want to work for free, without payment. They'd give vague promises of blessings and good feelings.

Ah, anyway. See how my past goes into my future even though I've changed direction?

I used to believe in service work under mormonism --- now i don't believe in mormonism anymore --- but I'm still doing "free" work where I don't get paid [much]. Hmmmm.

huh.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Wondering if I should feel guilty

A week or two ago I got a phonecall from "A Financial Institution" (unspecified) and the caller wanted to "talk about the markets".

I immediately suspected it was those binary options guys, so I shutdown the phonecall quickly.

But now I'm realizing::: what if it was that company with a Federal Profile that called me and missed me one evening, and their business involves "market analysis" and "data collection"?

Uh.

I am introverted, and I may be somewhat "asocial" ---- so it's no wonder I felt uncomfortable receiving this phonecall.....

but what if it was important?? OMG.  Accck.

I might have just shot myself in the foot (so to speak). I don't know.

I do wish I knew why it is so hard for me to make money --- did this man have answers???

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Well, I looked on the Google Play Store on Forge and saw that it does have KODI (XBMC), it has "Archos", it has Plex ---- the only thing it  doesn't have is netflix, and I hear there's a way to get that installed too.

I'm a little said that so many people reviewed the Forge so poorly on amazon, basically just because it doesn't have netflix.  That is a real poor reason for all those 1 star reviews. The machine runs mostly just fine, it works well enough ---- it's like Razer is just being builied by a posse of people who will harshly criticize the system for any failing.

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Kind of like how my life's true story was harshly criticized essentially because it was a true story. People just didn't like what happened -- even though it was true.

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Just wish I could sell product and make money. It feel sad that it's so hard for me to earn. it's like something is always going wrong.


And maybe that phonecall had answers. Or maybe not. Now, I might never know.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trying Something New

Last night I watched a TED Talk where a psychologist said you should expect the things you want, and that way you are more likely to achieve them.

So I started expecting to get paid for my work. I expect it. I expect people will pay me honestly.

So far, it seems to have only partially worked::

I logged into my OUYA/Cortex Dev portal today and found that 16 games had been downloaded today ---- Usually my reports from Cortex dev portal are not so active and may even be a little sketchy ---

So good:: 16 games Downloaded.

10 of the games downloaded were PAY-UP-FRONT games ---- which should have totalled to $15 of sales for me.

So:: Some expectation came true --- maybe I should expect proper reporting as well.




I was previously told that Cortex or OUYA might give away some free copies of my games to the press ---- well, I see a lot more free games being given away than games I'm being paid for --- Is the press really that cheap????


Anyway ---- So however this works, I started expecting to be paid last night, and now today I see 16 game downloads which should have been worth at least $15 ----- Now I have to expect a proper royalty report too I guess.


So, something is going on, and again, I can think of possible reasons why it's so hard to get paid --- but maybe I'll just try this psychologist's trick of expecting payment and expecting proper reporting.

I expect it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Congratulations to my Father

I hate joining political parties --- they're always asking for money.

But I do love Canadian political parties. I don't want to be entirely involved, but I love that Canada has such a great selection of choices to choose from.

For different reasons, I think I can say that I have appreciation for all of Canada's 3 major political parties: The Conservatives, the NDP and the Liberals.

They are different, but I appreciate all three::: they all have something good to add the conversation.



So:: some news today, and as I was thinking about it, I couldn't help feel kind of excited and then I can't help but talk about my excitement on my blog.



Anyway::: I saw the mail come in, I didn't read any attached letters, but I did notice that The Conservative Party of Canada has awarded my Father, Douglas Attfield, a "Certificate of Merit".


My Dad doesn't seem to fully understand the situation there --- he must've done something really good, but it hasn't quite hit him yet ----

or else the interim party leader "Rona Ambrose" has made a very weird decision.

If this Certificate of Merit is being awarded to all party members::: yeah, that would be very weird. Kind of makes you think about that situation.

But if it's true, that my Father is being specifically honoured, though I don't always vote conservative -- I can actually feel proud about this.

But who knows really right? My Dad doesn't fully understand it I think, to him the world has just gotten a bit loopier with this award, as I am trying to understand and depict what he said ----

but I think I can kind of understand it.

My Dad's idea that "this is loopy" might come from an idea that maybe they are handing out these certificates to all party members, but if it is specifically for him ---- then yeah, I feel proud at this point.

I didn't read any attached letters --- but I have some idea that this might actually be an actual honour. Wow. Congrats.



And maybe it's bad for me to gloat about such a thing, but hey, it started to excite me and I hate keeping secrets.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Another Email for me! (schools to attend for game development education)

My email server says this email isn't junk, and it is related to my work, so I will just post here that I got an actual email today asking me to post a link to the emailer's list of best schools for getting game development degrees.

Again, I feel special. Special that someone noticed me, and took the time to think I was worthwhile sending such a message to.

Anyway, #2 on the list is the University of Utah --- which is interesting, at least it wasn't BYU. I guess just mentioning this point will be enough.

So yeah, the email sender wanted me to publicize their list of best gaming development degree schools, so here is a link:

http://www.collegerank.net/best-video-game-design-degree-programs/


Playing a Game

This morning I checked my Youtube video activity and saw that someone was watching my Rant video about my relationship with Avril Lavigne and the LDS church.

And as I was playing a video game, the following thought crossed my mind in relation to that video:

I am utterly dumbfounded at how I gave the LDS church money, or how the LDS church expected me to give them money, just so they could tell me who my friends can and can not be.

They were so interested in freedom and capitalism, that they tax me an extra 10% so they can dictate to me who my personal relationships are.

That makes no sense.

It's true, though, that before I finally completely gave up on the LDS church, that the LDS leaders were telling me I didn't need to pay tithing anymore (but I still think they wanted me at the church).

There's just something so wrong with that, you know?

When I give someone money, it's either out of the goodness of my heart or I expect something good in return ----

but when I give money and all I get is nastiness that says I'm not allowed to be friends with someone --- what a load of bull.





Also::

I appeared to be giving the church money so the Bishop could tell me to deny my own testimony of the holy ghost, I gave the church money so the bishop could tell me to disobey the Prophet's definition of sincere forgiveness.


I mean, this situation is so absolutely effed up it can be no wonder why the church stopped requiring me to pay tithing -----

but yeah, I was giving 10% of my income so I could receive very bad service from church leaders -- apparently.


And that is completely messed up.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Good Testing & More

I haven't talked about telepathy for a while, so here's the latest:::

For a while, I didn't do much or any telepathy experiments. Then, I realized I hadn't done any, so I tried a few "off the cuff" --- and failed.

Then I tried a strategy --- I would ask God for help to perform the test or experiment, and then I would perform the test.

I found massively improved performance when I experimented after asking God's help. Without asking, performance was very poor, but after asking, performance was quite good.

I can't remember too much about all the tests, except that there haven't been a whole lot.

I had either one or two 2/3's going on. Getting 2/3 even once in alphanumeric pick 3 is pretty spectacular --- and I didn't even do very many tests so the sample size of experiments was probably about 10-15.

I remember the only experiment I did today::

I got the first character wrong today, but the other two characters I read were:

"A 3"

My dad's original two characters I compared to were:

"V 8"

This is not one of those 2/3s I mentioned --- my 2/3(s) were spot-on ---- this one is a little bit loopier, but recognizable because A is like an upside-down V and the 3 was half of the 8.

I guess the point of this news post is just that my telepathy is doing pretty good --- and I think I can even use it as evidence of God's existence because I find that telepathy actually works half decently after asking God's help, but may not work at all without asking for help.

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This morning I updated the intel-microcode driver on my Linux Mint Laptop with hopes that it would fix the rather frequent crashes my laptop has.

It crashed again once before writing this post, and again while writing this post. So annoying!!

I have two other linux machines that I run --- and they don't crash like my laptop does. WTH???

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As for moving out of my parents home::: It makes great financial sense for me to stay at home with my parents. But for the sake of my safety and happiness, I may really have to move out on my own.

That means I won't be able to be much of an investor --- I won't be able to try for "aish-upper-class" if I move out, but I really think I might have to move out because of how absolutely impaired family members are. My Dad is a little impaired I think, and it's tough enough just with him ----- but my brother is so super-impaired I just can't handle it. I can't be around it.

I sure hope the rules allow me to move into this place by myself on my aish-and-little-else-more income ----- if I HAVE to have a room mate when I live somewhere, then I am absolutely screwed over because I don't have friends and my brother, the obvious choice for a room mate, is SO IMPAIRED (I mean that very seriously) that he's the major reason why I want to move out in the first place!!!

So::: Hopefully they'll let me live there by myself, and do it with just my aish --- because if I require more income or a room mate, then I am absolutely screwed-over. And this is the best deal I can see going on for me right now.

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So, I won't be investing too much after I might move in to a new place ---

So, how about all those phonecalls I suddenly started getting? Yeah, that's real interesting ----

I think I responded well enough to most of those phonecalls ----

but that one guy who was calling from "A financial institution" --- I'm wondering if I should feel guilty about brushing him off or if I did the right thing.

1) I did not care to talk about Markets in any way shape or form at that time.
2) It just seemed so "seedy" that he claimed to be from an unspecified financial institution.
3) It reminded me so much of those binary-options people phoning up that this is basically the bin I thought I should put him in ---- and I'm really not interested at that point.


Anyway, that's my news for today.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Good Opportunity Maybe?

Well, I may not have to die young after all --- on one hand my parents are hopeful my brother will recover (more or less) from the problems he's been having.

But regardless of whether or not my brother recovers:::

Living in a socialist province, the government has some caring about poorer disadvantaged people, and because of one certain good and helpful program the government has in place ----

If I'm lucky, if I find I truly can afford it::: I MIGHT be able to have my own place to live some day, and that some day could be within months!!!

I have some chance, maybe a 50/50 chance, of moving out of my parents house and living on my own in my own space.  That sounds wonderful.


Of course, I don't think my parents like this idea very much. They are both trying to warn me about possible extra costs and really questioning it. I think they just like having me around. And they may especially like having me around if their other son is rather loopy.

I realize I could be helpful to my parents if I always lived with them:: but:::

It has often been a dream of mine to have my own place ---- and in a predominately conservative society it's really hard to get a place to live, like things become so expensive ---- so maybe in this <5 years of a socialist government window, I really should probably take advantage of this opportunity that I might be able to have my own place.

So, I could even still technically live with my parents still --- it's just I would have a new property of my own where I could sleep whenever I wanted to.


And who knows all the details of why it's so hard to get paid for books and video games: maybe I'm deemed too rich in a progressive or socialist society (maybe, but that'll definitely change when I'm on my own), or maybe people just didn't pay me.

Well, if society had paid me for my work, socialism would have been less necessary in my life. If the bishop had just allowed me to pursue a friendship with Avril Lavigne, socialism may have been less necessary.

But, people didn't pay me, they stole from me (I have screenshots) --- so I essentially rely on social or progressive values at this point.


It just really sucks living in a mentally ill home where the Dad is unemployed and everyone's insane you know? I really tried to be a good student --- only to face so much torment that I lost my mind.


Anyway. So things are looking up. I can live better or more hopefully now. Yeah.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Good thing or bad thing?

Youtube showed me a video that defines "upperclass" and "middle class" a bit differently from the earlier videos I had watched:::

In the new definition, "upperclass" people are all millionaires who earn money.

In the new definition, "middleclass" people are not millionaires who save money.


Under this new definition I am technically still middle class.


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When I went to the university to engage in the psychological study --- the researcher didn't seem to consider me crazy for believing that I am like the sk8er boi or that The Number 23 was about me --- finally, it appears to be more accepted the comparisons I make between my own life and these medias.

For so long people would just tell me I was crazy or whatever for thinking my life was in these medias.

Well, now the psychological research at the university just accepted this comparison as reality --- FINALLY.


Anyway ---- to me, it really did seem like Avril Lavigne was singing about me, more or less --- she claimed to be "in love" with me and "wanted" to be my girlfriend.


I'm just wondering how good or bad this Avril Lavigne stuff was for me.

I mean, she kept me interested in life when things were REALLY bad. She kept me encouraged, kept me driving for better ------

But her fans rejected me, and really, things have been so bad in my life it can't be a lot of wonder why she didn't actually become my girlfriend.


Basically ------ My life has been sooooo messed up that it wouldn't make sense for Avril to actually be with me ----- so of course I'm really disappointed by her absence ----- is this bad?

But the again, my life has been soooo messed up that I basically needed Avril just to keep me on life support, to keep me going ----- to try to have something to look forward to. This is a good thing maybe?



Basically::::: my family is psychologically whacked out, more or less, to put it simply. Some of us are better than others ------ but none of us really meet a gold standard for mental stability. I think we are all pretty much brain-screwed in our family. And this is a real big reason why maybe I can't be with Avril like she sings in her songs.



It's so sad for me to have been born into a family where from young childhood, and expectantly into seniority ---- I'm going to be living with absolute insane family members.


I don't want to make it sound like I'm demeaning the mentally ill, because I am personally considered mentally ill as well --------- but the mental illness my family faces is such a burden on all of us, and in a number of ways I'm sure it has pretty much screwed us over -----


Including in the way that it doesn't actually make sense for Avril to actually be with me. Heck, it doesn't make sense for me to be with anybody.



So I get all disappointed that Avril sang about me but her fans rejected me and there's not really too much of an actual relationship going on ------


and considering how Avril's music was pretty much keeping me on "life support" for so long ----- it's pretty pathetic that things would even get that bad for me.


Sorry, when I think about my past I can easily start feeling depressed and maybe suicidal.


It's so disappointing that I would need a rock star like that just to keep me interested in life.


And it's also becomes a disappointment when the love she claimed to have for me turns out to be a rejecting fanclub. Huh.



But yeah ---- thinking about my life can be real depressing, which brings me to another point:::

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Sometimes I feel all totally good and wonderful, like life is brilliant ------ and sometimes I just have to see something negative in my life and I can start to get very depressed, to the point of wishing for death.


Like, when I think about OUYA/Cortex -- and all the work I've done and all the good stuff like that, all the fun I can have ---- I feel absolutely blessed and happy to live my life.


But when I think about my mentally ill brother ---- and he's probably the most severely disabled of everyone in my family ----- when I think about him and realize that I'm likely going to be living with him for the rest of my life ----- just those thoughts drive me to the point of wanting to ask for a state-sponsored suicide. I can't really live my life with his inability to live in the real world.


Anyway. Yeah.  Sometimes I feel brilliant, sometimes it's not hard to bring me down ---- Maybe that's why my Dad figured I'm at least a little bipolar.


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So: I'm middle class after re-defining the classes.

Avril was a good thing, for me, but also kind of a really sad thing in my life.

and I can feel really happy and really bad depending on where my mood is swinging and where my attention is focused ---- maybe making me a bit bipolar.

Yugh.

Not this again....

I was just making myself a pot of tea this morning when I got a phonecall.

The caller said they were from "a financial institution" and that they had information to give me about the markets.

To be honest, this didn't sound right to me, so I said something along the lines of "I don't care" --- and I hung up.

Either it's those binary options guys from when I signed up for Binary Options Robot that one time, and they decided to call again....

or it's someone who became aware of myself calling myself "upper class".


When I say "upper class", I mean it in the most humble way possible. I'm really not that loaded. I just don't have a lot of liabilities.


Anyway, getting a phonecall from a "financial institution" that wanted to talk about the markets didn't seem right to me.

I looked up the phone number online::: it was from Toronto or around Toronto, but there was no information on the number itself.


Just made me think of those Binary Options guys, really. It's ridiculous how much they phoned.


Can't trust people.


Anyway, just putting this out there, it doesn't seem right to me that this would happen. Seems like Binary Options Robot guys, like they can't leave me alone --- or it's because people think I'm wealthy ----- and whatever the case, I don't care about talking to some stranger about the markets over the phone.


I suppose I can feel good that people seem to view me as the rich guy now, cuz this is the kind of phonecall that a rich person would receive ---- but I honestly don't have THAT much interest in the markets and I'm honestly not THAT rich either.

So whatever.


ADDITIONAL::::

A day to rwo ago I finished reading that free ebook my bank's CEO sent me --- in the book the author says that if you can consistently get over 18% return on investment that he should be reading the reader's book -- not the other way around.

I'm sorry to be so rude by hanging up on the guy ---- but though my brokerage should be well aware that I was "highly successful" --- for a while --- I'm really not sure I could dispense great advice about what to buy and what not to buy, nor would I want to, for most people.

If you want to know what I'm doing::: I'm just investing on relatively stable ETFs that pay decent monthly dividends right now. That's all I'm doing. I'm not riding any waves these days.

Another good piece of advise:: buy low, sell high. If your stock drops, just buy more. Unless, of course, the company is a "falling knife" --- some companies are doomed, and no matter how low they go they are not good investments.

I, however, might not be the best advisor about which stocks to pick though.

When I invested for the past few years, I just did what I thought I could with the knowledge I had ---- and the education I got in Grade 11 CALM class. Did well for me --- but I paid off much debt with that money so it's not like I have a lot of money to invest.


Anyway:: basic point of this "ADDITIONAL" is wondering if some people can see my success at my brokerage, and wondering if they think I'm some kind of genie of picking stocks. What I really did was follow the advice of a banker who spoke to my Grade 11 CALM class on a simple tactic on how to invest. It works pretty good, more or less, I would say.

Monday, November 7, 2016

How I got here

So, In my last post or two I talk about being lower-upper class, and when I mean lower, I mean really low - like barely upper class.

But::: it's true, I used to be seriously ill with essentially a lower class family.

I know some people have problems with ideas of "The Secret" --- but to me, these ideas more or less work, or at least mostly work. To me it just seems true that we create our own realities.

Though I have my core values in my mind, which I think of --- and they do come true --- so far they haven't totally completely come true as much as I'd sometimes like them to --- but they are coming true.

I tend to think the following thought when I'm trying to improve my life:

"Happy, healthy, wealthy, righteous, loving, peaceful"

Those are essentially my core thoughts designed to improve my life. How well have I been doing?

Happy ---- I used to be mega-depressed. And this is the first thought I ever really tried. I'd just sit there thinking and saying "Happy" over and over again, maybe with some "life's good" in there ---- my life was a pathetic depressed mess, but I do appear to have regained more control of myself being happy --- I am definitely A LOT happier than I used to be!

Healthy --- My mental health has improved, I have no major diseases besides the previously diagnosed schizophrenia --- but I am recovering from the schizophrenia, I'm doing quite well health wise, besides being kind of overweight. No diabetes. No cancer. Amazing stuff.

Wealthy --- Used to be lower class, am working my way into "upper class". However, this has not worked completely because I'm still not being paid much for my actual efforts selling things online.

Righteous --- I've always tried to be a good boy --- with my schizophrenia, a lot of people believed I had turned bad ---- but I'm a good boy again, and I have more control over how I guide my own moral compass ---- no more giving up control of my morality to the Mormons! And believe me, I think that's actually a real good thing!

Loving ---- I used to hate my life and just about everything. Now I don't. I love, or try to love, everyone. Basically, just decent respect for everyone, no deep bad feelings. Good feelings. This is more or less working for me.

Peaceful ----- This one is working well for me. Real well. I am basically just a real peaceful kind of guy. Yay.




And though "The Secret" seems to work for me, where I think these core value thoughts and they essentially come true in my life, one sad fact remains:


My brother has only been deteriorating, or had been deteriorating (he's still pretty deteriorated).

I've been thinking these great thoughts to improve my life, but it is very observable that situations for my brother have only gotten worse.

I can think of possibilities for why. Should I explain them? Maybe not. I am very sad for him. I hope he gets better.

So though I and my family have done pretty well --- My brother's situation has not been so well during this time. It's a pity.


Probably the biggest failure I've experienced on this list is the "wealthy" one --- I am quite wealthy all things considered, but  somehow I just can't seem to get paid for what I sell online. I've done all this work, and I don't receive much or any money for it. I wish this would change. I wish I would receive lots of payment for my work, especially as that would encourage me to do more.

I wish I would be paid. That's the biggest issue that's having a hard time coming true.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Got a Report

So a few days ago I observed that Doorless Darts was ranked highly on the O-Rank, but no sales reported.

Just last night, a sale for Doorless Darts was reported. Awesome.

However::: At the rate that I'm earning money on Cortex --- I can expect to receive my first paycheque from Cortex in SIX (6) to SEVEN (7) years.

I suppose earning a buck every month seems pretty cool, until you realize that to actually get paid that dollar you have to reach a threshold that's pretty high, and will take a long time to achieve - especially when I tend to sell $1 products.


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Without the sales from books or games, it might seem weird that I'd claim upper-class status, and even weirder that I'd even say such a thing publicly.

Basically, YOUTUBE taught me this:::

Lower class buys stuff.
Middle class buys liabilities.
Upper Class buys assets.

My Dad is probably the lower class guy in our home. He's been lower class for a very long time.

But the other members of our household are reaching into upper-class territory ----- although I must stress that this is a "LOWER-upper class" household, because though we own more assets than liabilities ---- we don't own very much.

And it's weird that I'd talk about this publicly, but I hate keeping secrets.

We're low down on the scale of wealth, but we're still higher than a lot of people, I suppose.

But it's been a struggle for my family ---- we used to be pretty solidly a lower-class home.

We'll see how long this period in our lives lasts ---- My Mom won't be working forever.

That's the other thing --- though our household income is kind of high, realize we have 3 income earners and 4 mouths to feed in our house. So yeah. It's only "slightly" better off, I would say.

The Bankers' Interest

So, in the past year I've received two offers from my bank for special-rate savings accounts not offered publicly up to $500,000 --- as if I had that kind of money.

Then just a day or two ago the CEO of the bank I bank at sent me an email giving me a free financial planning ebook. "The Wealthy Barber Returns" --- it's a real page turner, I'm already about half a way through it.

But then this past evening a survey from my brokerage phoned up as if they were suddenly really interested too ----

I'm kind of wondering how the survey from my brokerage already didn't know a lot of the answers to my questions ---- but yeah, they actually wondered how many banks I have bank accounts at. I mean seriously --- that's a question you ask RICH people.

I am kind of rich, but I'm not that rich. I know that if I keep living at home, that I can save more than if I lived alone.

Anyway --- yeah --- just interesting how much interest the banks suddenly took in me for a moment there.

Like --- when my savings rate at my brokerage reached a certain level --- suddenly someone signed me up for some kind of millionaire challenge. I'll just say that for me at that time it was enough to take my savings and earnings and massively pay down my debt.

Yeah. Uh.

So basically I'll just note on this blog that bankers have been giving me "special treatment" lately, especially in just these past days as they send me a book and phone me up.

Basically, as I understand it --- I'm on the verge of moving from Middle Class to Upper Class. I mean, I'm really low-low-lower-upper-class, but still I would technically start qualifying as upper class at some point.

And then maybe I could expect women to be interested in me, which I hope they don't, because my family is too crazy.


Yeah. I guess. Special savings account offers not for everyone --- enrollment into a millionaire challenge program as my investing gets good ---- a free ebook from the CEO and a sudden subsequent phonecall asking me about how much I love my brokerage ------

Yes, these might be signs that I'm actually moving into upper-class. What I mean by that is my assets are starting to be worth more than my liabilities --- and that does technically mean I'm upper-class.

Of course, that should be a secret, but it's just too interesting to discuss how the banks have been contacting me lately.


And of course, my mind still wonders about ever getting paid for my actual work (video games). Do the banks know something I don't? (probably)


I have all kinds of speculations about what kinds of things might be going on with my royalties and sales ---- but my mind won't make itself up about what the true story is. Just a big mystery.


But yeah:: Major story here is that in the past year, and in the past day or two especially---- the banks are getting a lot warmer with me.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

57000 Pageviews and Today's News



Wow --- it's 11/3, and I've officially reached 57000 pageviews, like that's some kind of milestone or something. Huh.

The Mail just arrived moments ago --- it's like each day my family keeps getting more and more requests, even from charities we've never donated to before, for money. They just keep asking.

I like helping people, and we may be somewhat rich in our family, but we just aren't rich enough to help everyone. And I'm still not really getting paid for most of my efforts.


The good news is, and if dreams are indicative of the future then this is good, and history tells me that dreams can be very indicative of the future:::

The good news is last night I had a dream where I owned a banana farm, and I was selling the bananas for big money.

The dream keeps me hopeful.


As for my psychology, I'm almost wishing I had never even hinted about an idea that I might be sociopathic ---- because I don't want anyone to be confused about my diagnosis.

Youtube has educated me some more about psychology ---- I'm not anti-social (sociopathic), I am more likely asocial, a diagnosis my Mom could accept closer to my reality, and is known to exist in people with schizophrenia and autism and so on.

So::: I AM NOT SOCIOPATHIC. I AM NOT ANTI-SOCIAL ----- I probably was kind of asocial however, and I'm a bit of an introvert. :)

Just gotta learn the difference between anti-social and asocial.


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So yeah, my family is kind of rich, but we have 4 mouths to feed and a number of nephews/grandchildren, plus I'm not really getting paid. Charities keep on asking it seems however.

Just hopeful and good news that last night I dreamt I was making a fortune from a Banana Farm.  Dreams can be wonderful at predicting the future some times, from my experience.

Yay.

Everything's Connected versus Privacy

Back in 2001 I had some realization in my mind that "they" were watching me.

Of course, if you believed such a thing back then, you are automatically insane.

But now, in today's world, where information can easily be accessed and discovered --- if often comes as no surprise that someone has heard such and such a thing.

Today when I told my doctor that the university called me in to do a psychological study on me --- she was wondering how exactly they found out about me --- but of course it was easy for me to explain that I have been very free with my information so undoubtedly there is a very good explanation about how they found my existence. I wrote and published a book that at least hundreds have read ----

anyway, it was a shock to the doctor that the university knew of me, but to me it was not such a surprise.


Anyway ---- perhaps ever since I was raised as a Mormon I have been very conditioned to not keep secrets (because secret combinations are wrong) and to forgive everyone (because of religious requirement). Even today, Mormonism has some effect on me.

The point is that I have been very free with information, so last night I saw a movie at the theatre, and in one of the previews at the movie there was a statement which I recognized as being something that I metioned at the university.

Anyway, somehow something I just told a University study somehow just ended up on a movie screen days later. Very weird. And the preview of the movie even reminded me of myself to some extent.


Well, this is the world we live in -----  a world where a university wants to study me and the elderly psychiatrist is surprised, a world where I tell the study something about myself and that thought suddenly appears in a movie preview....


and then there's Google. Chrome sees me visit financial websites, so of course Youtube shows me a lot about finances.

The really interesting one is where I visit a website for this university study, and now Youtube has shown me a video of a talk given that directly seems to relate to the topic of this university study.


Should I be scared that information travels so well? Actually, in so many ways freer information has been a very good thing.


But 16 years ago if you thought they had taken your ideas or were watching you or whatever you would be insane. Now it's normal.


But you know, everyone is playing their little games with me --- even in the psychiatric office.

In my last post I said something exciting has happened that is now considered "old hat" though it is exciting. I was using "old hat" as an excuse not to tell you ----

But yeah, I saw Avril Lavigne or Avril Lavigne's body double again today (or yesterday since it's now past midnight). Maybe it's just a halloween prank in the psychiatric office - who knows --- but it was exciting. I'm still going to try to not go into detail.


But it's also weird when you think you've met someone, but you can't really be too sure because it's a possible body double.


Did you know that there's a guy who works or used to work as a greeter at a local Wal Mart who I think looks just like Saddam Hussein? Yeah, it's really weird that way. Probably just a body double though.


Life is so crazy like that ---- but yeah it's good fun to see "Avril's" pretty face in person from time to time. She's basically my hero.