I started by trying to write this blog post on my Ubuntu 15.10 laptop, but very shortly into writing the system crashed on me. The weird thing is that yesterday when I was using that laptop for backup, for virtual machine, or all kinds of stuff, the only slow down I had was using the virtualmemory/swap on the disk, but the machine never crashed. But, it seems, when I try to write something on blogger in Ubuntu 15.10, the machine WILL INVARIABLY CRASH. So annoying.
But what I really wanted to write about:
I have a real problem.
I think I really am mentally ill.
It bothers my father out of his mind, and he warns me not to mention this obsession to other members of my family.
I think that when I was active as an LDS Mormon, that the church must've hypnotized me to be obsessive over the church, church history, or anything to do with "Latter Day Saints" -- I must've been hypnotized to think about it or something because I am obsessed.
It has been said that a person can leave mormonism, but that person can't leave mormonism alone. It's true just not for me, but for so many others including the person who made that statement I'm sure.
Whenever I have an idle moment, my brain has about a 90% chance of starting to think about the church and my life in it ---- and it's driving my Dad crazy, that I am so obsessed with it.
I probably really should get my mind off of mormonism completely -- but that's a challenge, especially if I was conditioned to be obsessive over the church. The church became a part of me, and then something went wrong.
So: What have my most recent thoughts about Mormonism been?
1) The church advertised itself as "Families can be together forever". They have a song about it, they probably advertised it on TV -- the whole "Eternal Families" part of their doctrine.
So, when I fell in love with a girl, of course the church couldn't even let us be friends at all any more, which was "totally in line" with their advertising about eternal families - right?
2) In Letters to Whomever, and imprinted on my memory, is knowledge of a couple talks dead-LDS-prophet Ezra Taft Benson made on what I could call a controversial topic. Just years ago, like when I wrote my book, the talks were freely available to be viewed on the LDS church website. BUT - NOW the church is COVERING IT UP. Right - I did a search for these talks, and they no longer appear to exist on LDS.org. Years ago, it was LDS.org that originally showed these talks to me, but now they are all gone - covered up, never to be heard of again. As far as my limited search went, at least.
3) Basically, I grew up being hypnotized to obsess over the Mormon LDS church, I was told over and over again that the religion and the church were the absolute true, more correct and more true than any other church or religion or set of scriptures. But, though I had such faith in the truth, it basically did turn out to be a rather dishonest claim the church was making about itself. There is a lot of documentation on this issue that I don't feel like writing about here.
So -- I'm obsessed with the LDS church, I don't want to be around the LDS church anymore, but I think about it - and my Dad is going crazy from me having this obsession. It's an issue. I have a real mental health problem it seems.
Our world is a real crazy place I guess.