Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Education Regret

I'm regretting having brain problems and having to leave school --- there are things in my programming that would probably have been helped if I had learned more in school.

So, my previous fix for ICBM's restart problem stopped working. ICBM is like this---- something works, and then after a few tries using it, it suddenly STOPS working.

So, I looked up some more documentation, and now the restart problem really should be fixed, finally. Hopefully that much will be OK.

But I still don't know if there's anything I can do on my end to make the Serval Controller's D-Pad work in-game with ICBM.

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Last night I was thinking about what I'm going to do with my gaming "career"/

Even though I ranked as high as 62 and am currently ranked ninety-something with The Bananatree Brothers on the O-Rank --- the sales report only shows 2 sales total.

Something is wrong here. Someone isn't telling me something.

I do feel a bit of a passion for developing video games, and I have another project on my mind that I have felt some drive to start ---- but for this project I'm thinking I'll want new more expensive equipment, and when I don't have the money and I'm not getting paid that much isn't happening.

If I got paid from my games, it would be a lot easier to continue with the fun of development. I could buy the equipment I think I need.

But, because for whatever reason my money isn't flowing, I can't continue.

I would like to pay off debt and buy my own place to live, but not getting paid for past games really doesn't help that especially when I "want" new equipment for making new games.

I suppose you could say I could try to crowd fund ---- but with how I botched up ICBM and other games so badly, it would probably be seen as immoral for me to crowd fund, when I'm not fully educated or fully professional.

I think the best I could have hoped for would be to get paid for the work I've already done, and go from there.

It just doesn't make sense how The Bananatree Brothers could have only 2 sales and yet still rank so well. Doesn't make sense. Where are my reports? What's going on?

In order to continue development of games (and development of my life), I would think I should be be getting paid for my past efforts.

Ugh. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Kinds of Email I'm getting

OK - what are the chances that there are famous people sending me email that may or may not be trustworthy? It might not be trustworthy, but here's the scary thing:

Today I got an email from someone who claims to be, or shares their name with, or is fraudulently pretending to be, an NHL Hockey Player.

Again, he's my age, from my country, born in another city that's related to a family member of mine.

Chances are this isn't real. It's really not likely to be real - to get email from famous people like this.

Yes. Chances are I'm receiving fraudulent spam that only claims to be from a famous person.

Of course, I've got a number of spambox emails now that show a picture of two girls, and one of them looks kind of like Avril Lavigne, except the photograph conveniently cuts off the tops of their heads.

Not sure. So strange. PARANOIA DEFLECTION SHIELD ACTIVATED. Hahaha.

EDIT:::

So, the email that claims to be from an NHL Player is basically a Christmas Gift, Santa's Elves giving me a $100 McDonald's Gift Card.

I clicked on the link, but the offer wasn't available in my area. It's funny, that these guys would use famous Canadian people to talk to me but the offer isn't valid in Canada.

But, I'll will note that this email appears to have ties to Minnesota, as the NHL player is or was a Minnesota Wild's player and the email claims itself to be from Minnesota.

It could be real for all I know, but I have to be paranoid. Use Caution and common sense.

But the offer just happened to be not available in my area.

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Oh, and I'm reminded, someone tried to use one of my email addresses for their Instagram account today ---- and yes, I did not activate it, I actually pressed the button that's opposite of activation.

Hmmm.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Scary Dream

I used to have dreams like this, probably worse than this, when I was a kid.

Last night I dreamed my teeth didn't fit in my mouth properly, and things started to get wiggly and fally-outy.

I learned on Youtube that this is a common dream that a person will have when they are no longer in control in their own life.

I had this dream a lot when I was a kid, and I would say I wasn't in control of my own life back then.

But I think I had the same dream last night - so I wonder what's going on now.

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As for those emails I wrote last night::::

Either the person who wrote me is who they claim to be, or they aren't.

If they are this famous actress, then that's kind of expectable consider the life I've been living, with how people might start talking about me, and with how I send Avril Lavigne donations.

If this a fake name on the email - then I'm wondering if I should be worried because simply by looking up this name on wikipedia, I can see that the name directly personally relates to me in my own life with the origin story of named actress.

Should I be excited or worried? I mean, either is a possibility.

If anything, it's a real big novelty to receive email from a "famous person", whether it be real or just a spammer personally identifying me. Interesting.

Not sure what else to say about this.

Does this have anything to do with a dream I had last night that tells me I'm not in control of my own life anymore? We'll just have to see I guess.

Receiving Interesting Emails

I've warned you all on this website:: I have or had a history of sending lots of bulk email to people I wanted to talk to throughout my life.

Recently, my bulk email has died down quite a bit --- I now mostly just email my grandparents, as well, as send the odd charitable gift with a message to Avril Lavigne.

Well, someone must've decided it's now my turn to receive all the bulk email and even potential gifts.

So, I've got two emails here (which both went to my Spam box) which I received from someone who shares their name with a famous person.

Either it is a famous person, or they are sharing or imitating or something.

So::: This potentially famous person who has sent me these two emails in the past week is Calgarian-born (same city as me), born in my birthyear (1984), shares her birthday with my sister and yeah, it's kind of interesting like that.

Basically, whoever is "spamming" me, is claiming to be potentially related to a famous person who is very personally relatable to me in where I come from, my origins, as is stated on wikipedia about this famous person.

I mentioned that I sent Avril Lavigne gifts with messages right? Well, the two emails this potential celebrity (or a scam artist, or whatever it might be) sent both messages about a "thank you" from Amazon or some such, wants me to fill out a survey and give me $100.

Considering how I've been living my life, this might just be the entertainment community's response to me pestering Avril Lavigne.

But, I do also have a cautious paranoid mindset that tells me not to trust stuff like this.

Well, I'm amazed that Amazon would send me a thank-you through a famous actress who comes from my hometown and is my own age.

Something so strange about this --- it might be expectable considering that I rank so highly on the O/Z-Rank with one of my games and that I'm not sure I can trust everything I read,

But yeah, I can't trust everything I read, so of course, I sit here "paranoid" about what the actual nature of these messages are.

I suppose that Avril Lavigne herself may have had similar paranoia about me approaching her when I initially did. The one thing that made it clear that I was somehow a real or authentic person (if she ever figured out that I was real or authentic) was the bit of magic that started happening. Anywho.

So - considering my life, it might be totally real that an actress would email me.

The thing is --- She made her email LOOK like "spam" ----- which of course may have just been in response to all the bulk email I've ever sent, but anywho.

Life's fun. I'm enjoying it.

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I'll also mention that somehow, as if by Santa's magic, my wristwatch strap/band broke today, as if I am being fatefully led to new electronics (which I have already ordered). It's a great excuse for a new toy, if anything.

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Also:::: I wrote this blog post on my Ubuntu 15.10 machine and it never crashed!! I think the solution was just entering this command in the terminal: "sudo apt-get autoremove". Removed old software clogging the system, and now I'm not crashing on blogger. yay.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Fixing my game

So, last night I sat down to make cosmetic fixes to Doorless Darts so it looks "better" on Razer Forge.

This morning I'm sitting down to try and play with ICBM on the Forge, to figure out how to fix the problems.

The problem where ICBM wasn't shutting down and restarting properly has been fixed. I only needed to add ONE line of code to do that. I am so impressed with myself. I actually managed to figure it out. Wow.

Anyway, now I'm going to delve into getting the D-Pad to work. The D-Pad works fine on the main menu, so I'm going to see if there's a way I can make it work in-game too.

UPDATE:::::

The D-Pad works in-game just fine with an OUYA controller, so I recommend you use an OUYA controller when playing ICBM. (though the Serval is still necessary in order to quit the game)

In my feedback with this update, I have told Cortex about the issue involving the Serval and the D-Pad.

I think this is probably a problem with their interface between the Serval and the ODK, so I'll let them fix it, as I have no idea what more I can do with this problem on my end.


I'd like to apologize who the people who play ICBM for the serious problems and issues that game has had over the years. I really screwed up a lot.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Cortex is here - What's going on with Kris Attfield games?

So, early this morning I had a look at OUYA FORUM and saw a post about how Cortex has been announced. I then turned on my Forge and did the update -- yay! Cortex is here!

What does this mean for Kris Attfield games?

Air Defence, a basic yet fun shooter, is there. Works great.
The Bananatree Brothers, is there, and presumably runs well because of the rankings I see it get.
Doorless Darts is there, it runs well - but there is a small cosmetic issue I'm going to want to figure out.
ICBM is there - and it even ranks pretty well - but it is buggy on the new system or at least it is buggy on my system - when I play the D-Pad doesn't work when it's needed. Yikes. Also could use some work on startup and shutdown.

Pfhonge wasn't there and Blaine Bananatree wasn't there.

I did, of course, test both these games on the system and found that they work flawlessly --- maybe they were just overlooked when the game library was curated, or maybe ---

On OUYA FORUM, which I just read about in greater detail, Cortex apparently decided that they didn't want duplicates of games or something like that.

Though Pfhonge is very unique and original in the sense that it's the first ball-and-paddle game I've seen that puts blocks behind the paddles, maybe they thought Pfhonge was a duplicate and was redundant. I did, however, resubmit it with "Forge" checked and hope for the best.

Blaine Bananatree might've been seen as reduntant because of The Bananatree Brothers. I have also resubmitted with Forge checked, but we'll see.


But it's nice to know that 4 of my games were deemed worthy of availability upon launch, even if ICBM doesn't totally work when I tried it and I think Pfhonge is still quite fun.



Here's the other news:

On Cortex, in the morning The Bananatree Brothers was ranked 16 over all, then in the evening it had dropped to 19 overall.

On Cortex, in the "dual-stick" section, The Bananatree Brothers was ranked #1 this afternoon.

In fact, all my games except Air Defence seemed to have standing of some sort in at least one of their genre's top 10-30 category.

On MOJO The Bananatree Brothers was ranked #2 in Dual Stick and had a pretty good overall ranking as well.


I am really, really excited about this. I feel like I've accomplished something.



But it's a big question now:::: How could I be ranked #1 in a genre with only 2 sales?


Oh - another one --- I downloaded a bunch of my own games from the Cortex Store onto my Forge, and the downloads didn't show up in my Developer Portal ......

So, what is going on here?

OBVIOUSLY something isn't being reported now. I downloaded my own games and there was no report about that.


So ---- how could I be #1 in my genre with only 2 sales??? How excited should I be?? :) :)



The one thing I'm afraid of is that though played with Dual/Both Sticks, that The Bananatree Brothers might be a different genre than the other Dual-Stick games. I'm just wondering or fearing that I misunderstood what "Dual-Stick" meant, if it actually means something other than "Both thumbsticks used in gameplay". Dunno.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

How I see OUYA today

This blog post is to report that I see something very strange going on with OUYA - and to speculate on reasons why that might be.

First off, the very first 5 star rating for The Bananatree Brothers came when I saw absolutely 0 sales of my product. No one bought the game, but it got a rating, and I didn't give that rating to myself.

Second off, my Brother-in-Law just bought the Bananatree Brothers this evening, and though I see his sale, there is no reported download.

Maybe the first issue was someone at Cortex, rating my game maybe - maybe the second issue was my brother in law just didn't download the game when he bought it somehow.

Another issue is that there, in my eyes, appears to be an almost complete dearth of Activity on OUYA --- there are two new releases on the system that only have one rating each --- and I'm the one who bought and rated them.

Also, there is a new release called "RETRO PONG" that's available for $0.99, but can not be found on the O-Rank listing.


I mean, maybe activity on OUYA is dying. Maybe people just aren't playing anymore.


Doorless Darts got to 101 on the O-Rank with over 10 sales.

Blaine Bananatree got to 84 on the O-Rank with only 4 sales.

The Bananatree Brothers got to 75 on the O-Rank with only 1 reported sale.


This either means that people aren't playing anymore in a big way ---- or it means I'm getting my own special version of the internet where I don't see the rest of human-kind running around playing and chatting.

Either no one is playing, or I don't get to see what's going on somehow. There are just some big mysteries here.

There are two possibilities for why I would see a different version of the internet:

1) I'm being removed from the public for perhaps obvious reasons. Maybe I don't exist anymore - or something like that.

2) My Dad suspects I might get a big surprise one day, he has said this once or twice in the past day or two.  I'm wondering if this surprise is just finding out how much I really did earn, because I'm not sure the reports are entirely trustworthy.



I keep thinking I see some activity with my books too --- but there is very little reported activity. I see what looks like activity, but I don't get told about it.


I hope for a surprise, I hope for the best, but it might be expectable that I'm actually just being removed from society (maybe).


I am actually really enjoying my life these days - life without tonnes of public exposure is actually a lot nicer to live, rather than living in a public school or church filled with people who don't get along very well.

Life away from the public is peaceful, calm, nice, fun. I am enjoying my life more these days than any other period of my past life that I can remember. I am actually either at my best, or things are only getting better.


But I do see this mystery involving OUYA games and sales and reports and Oranks and all that --- and I really wonder. Is the system just falling apart as it shuts down because no one is playing, or am I just seeing my own personal private version of the internet?


It's a mystery. I desire to proceed with my life, but I'm not getting paid. I don't see the public playing anymore. But I am enjoying my life more now than any time before.


Maybe I'm not supposed to be paid because of a morality that says it's wrong to meet Jesus, write a book and expect to be paid for writing about holy religious experiences ------

But seriously, if I can't have money because I met Jesus - then I'll just be living with my parents for the rest of our lives.


Maybe the actual truth is that most members of the public felt no need to actually pay the smallest price for any of my work. My games were downloaded and people wouldn't pay --- I saw reports that said my ebooks were ripped off by many hundreds of pirates.

Maybe I just can't expect honest decency from most people.

Or maybe I just have my own version of the internet, where I'm not allowed to see my sales, or public interaction, or get paid ---- maybe I'm living in a bubble of sorts.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Impressive Mentalism

The Bananatree Brothers, my latest video game release, is now ranked 75th on the O-Rank. Yay me.

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So, for the past few attempts at mind-reading I made in the past few days, I wasn't really having much or any success. I did try to think of reasons why that might be, and yeah, I have an idea of why, but what I really wanted to say is this:

Today, on two different occasions in the day, I asked GOD to allow me to successfully read my father's mind. Basically, rather than just walking up to my dad and trying a reading, I specifically asked God before each test to help me do it.

These are my results:

On the first test, I read and wrote down:

E (C or I) E

On this test, my Dad's original was:

E H 1

I was immediately very happy with myself once I saw how well I had done. I got a very strong E reading, and one E was enough, but my I could be a sideways H or a variation on 1, so I felt I accomplished maybe ~2/3 but definitely at least 1/3 on this one.


On the second test, I read and wrote down:

S (D or B) A

On the second test, my Dad's original was:

A D 4

2/3. Again. Pretty close to 2/3 twice in a row on the same day. It's not a perfect 2/3 each time, because I had a 4th character included in my guess each time, but I still think I did pretty well.

When I say (X or Y) in my reading, that means I wrote down 2 different characters for the 2nd character in the sequence. I do this because I am not completely entirely sure exactly what I'm looking at - sometimes I get more than one character at a time and I don't know which to choose, and sometimes the image is just a bit blurry and hard to read.

But, I think I did pretty well. Yay!


I mean, really --- today's results are absolutely beautiful.


ADDITIONAL:::::

I uploaded a video to YOUTUBE to try to show off some of my great telepathy from today - this telepathy isn't the greatest telepathy today, but it still sort of works.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Sat down to play some OUYA

This evening I figured I could play a game on my Forge (because the game I was thinking of is actually really nice and well done), but then I realized my OUYA was plugged in instead of my Forge, and I didn't feel like switching the cables, so I played my OUYA instead.

I started off by playing this one game - and when I watched the opening sequences and played the game a bit, I realized just how awesome a job the developer had done on the title - way more advanced than anything I've put out.

I then played my own game, Air Defence, and as I played I remembered that time someone on OUYA Forum reviewed the game and criticized it harshly. But, I realize, that though it hurt to receive the negative feedback - fact is, that negative feedback is what inspired me to make the game better. You see, I had memories of what the original versions of the game were like, and I realized that the OUYA Forum criticism caused me to add and change some parts of the game that actually made it at least a bit better. I actually found myself sitting there, playing my own game, feeling THANKFUL for the harsh criticism I received -- thankful that someone helped drive me to make my own game better.

But, in all seriousness, with OUYA, I was nearly a beginner in the development world (previously having built practise projects in school and for myself), a beginner at android development, and well, in my history of developing OUYA games I have been mistaking and failing pretty steadily throughout the processes.

I mean, I screwed up on Pfhonge, I screwed up on ICBM, I screwed up on Air Defence, I even screwed up a bit on Doorless Darts - and then I screwed up on Blaine Bananatree too. Yes, it's all been a learning process, continually trying to make my games better. The only game I haven't realized any total screw ups in so far is The Bananatree Brothers, but the game buying community must've not forgotten my past screw ups and haven't been buying my latest game.

First off, I realize that most or even all newly released games on the OUYA/Cortex Store haven't been seeing many or any purchases in the past few weeks, so it's not just me that they're not buying (sort of thankfully).

But, I am happy, that someone gave The Bananatree Brothers a FIVE STAR rating. I know, unbelievable isn't it? It's a game I finally didn't have any easily perceptible screw-ups in, and I actually got the highest rating from one person. Makes me feel a bit happy actually.

Today I played some Bananatree Brothers with my Dad and my Brother - and I realized I was actually having fun with it! I mean, the Bananatree games seem really-really stupid - but I was actually having fun! Yippee.

So, maybe I'm progressing in my abilities, where I've finally released a game with no instantly or quickly perceived screw-ups in the final product, and I'm glad that I've "improved" as a developer as such.

Only problem is ---- people don't seem to buy very much, so without a lot of sales, I don't feel the greatest amount of encouragement to continue working.

I figure I may have more success garnering extra income from investing in the Stock Market, and as very few people actually pay for my actual work, maybe I can forget about working for a while. It's just that - the Stock Market actually makes money for me and my family, while actual work doesn't earn myself very much.

I just think it's kind of sad that I can earn so much from doing work that doesn't actually serve anybody, and when I do work that serves people, they won't pay me for it. That much is discouraging.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Public Issues

My Dad and I disagree on a lot of things.

One thing we agree on: That there was something wrong with the church.
But we disagree in that I talk about it all the time, while he never likes hearing about it.
This is just an example.

We are also very opposed in politics.

Today I bought a carbonated beverage from a local store, and found something new on the bill: an 8¢ "Environmental Fee".

To me, 8¢ extra on a pop isn't a big deal, and in fact I can even feel good about giving that extra money to the government in my own mind----

but to my Dad the tax is absolutely horrid, and in his absolutely conservative way he wants low taxes, which means less public service.


Now: this was an environmental fee. We know, there's a new "Carbon Tax" in Alberta.

Personally, all my life, growing up in Oil Rich Alberta, I was told about how the Climate Change CO2 problem thing was pretty much a lie or a myth and shouldn't be trusted or listened to. That really is, pretty much, having lived with the Brother of a Conservative Government Minister as my LDS Home Teacher, what I was taught for so long.

How do I take my position on the debate? "Agree with thine adversary quickly" is what Jesus said.

Basically, I find no reason to argue with the Climate Change nuts about their position. I just have a personal urge to agree "with mine adversary". If they are right, then this is a good choice. If they are wrong, well, personally, I kind of like the idea of having an electric car, so I don't care. :) Growing up in elementary school we learned about Pollution Problems, and green renewable energy can't be wrong as far as I'm concerned.

So, I can feel good about paying extra tax (personally in my own mind) as I would hope it does others and the world some good.

If we can cut pollution, then great. I'll just agree with "my adversary", them being considered the adversary because I was brought up with the opposite viewpoint.


And then there's another issue: I read in the news that the number of Suicides in my province increased by 30% in the past year. I actually feel so bad about this, I was driven to tears. The economic conditions, especially with the low price of Oil, have apparently driven more people to kill themselves. And I do feel bad about it, especially as I was once suicidal and I was saved - but, at this point I am again happy to have a government that would keep social spending, such as increase the Case Load of Health and Mental Health services - to give people the help they need so they don't kill themselves.

My dad is a total conservative, taxes bad, cutting spending is alright with him, but personally I don't mind lending a hand to help someone not kill themselves. I mean, I might not be able to do much, because I'm no professional, but if 8¢ on a bottle of pop helps, then I'm perfectly alright with that - I actually feel good about giving a little extra personally.



Last issue: in a recent previous blog post, I said I might take up farming. I said this because my Sister and her Husband were declaring their intention to buy a bunch of land in the country, and I thought maybe I should just do some work on that land. Unfortunately, my Sister found out she can't actually afford that land, so that plan is a no-go now.

But what's interesting is this: shortly after I declare my idea on my blog that I might become a farmer, there is a sudden rush of attention in the local Legislature about none other than a new farming regulation bill. Wow.

The government organizations I was once affiliated with are all lighting up over farming, my politician friend on facebook is talking about Farming ---- all somehow just hours or days after I mention an intention to maybe become a farmer. That's so strange, isn't it? :)


ADDITIONAL:::

Another interesting thing about the economic slowdown in Alberta is that disability benefit recipient like myself now has a better ability to save up for a number of years, and actually be capable or able to afford a home/apartment to BUY - or even just find a place to rent, it all seems much more available and affordable now.

When OIL was a big canadian business, a disabled person like myself would have an extremely hard time finding a place to live (and on my own is a big part of this: I don't have friends or socialize well, so I would likely end up living on my own unless my brother wanted to live with me or something). Anyway --- affordable places to rent or buy are showing up in my country, and this is helping me be a little bit happier.

The only sad part is that I still have to save the money for years before I can think about buying one of these less-expensive dwellings.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

I am too obsessed

I started by trying to write this blog post on my Ubuntu 15.10 laptop, but very shortly into writing the system crashed on me. The weird thing is that yesterday when I was using that laptop for backup, for virtual machine, or all kinds of stuff, the only slow down I had was using the virtualmemory/swap on the disk, but the machine never crashed. But, it seems, when I try to write something on blogger in Ubuntu 15.10, the machine WILL INVARIABLY CRASH. So annoying.

But what I really wanted to write about:

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I have a real problem.

I think I really am mentally ill.

It bothers my father out of his mind, and he warns me not to mention this obsession to other members of my family.

I think that when I was active as an LDS Mormon, that the church must've hypnotized me to be obsessive over the church, church history, or anything to do with "Latter Day Saints" -- I must've been hypnotized to think about it or something because I am obsessed.

It has been said that a person can leave mormonism, but that person can't leave mormonism alone. It's true just not for me, but for so many others including the person who made that statement I'm sure.

Whenever I have an idle moment, my brain has about a 90% chance of starting to think about the church and my life in it ---- and it's driving my Dad crazy, that I am so obsessed with it.

I probably really should get my mind off of mormonism completely -- but that's a challenge, especially if I was conditioned to be obsessive over the church. The church became a part of me, and then something went wrong.




So: What have my most recent thoughts about Mormonism been?


1) The church advertised itself as "Families can be together forever". They have a song about it, they probably advertised it on TV -- the whole "Eternal Families" part of their doctrine.

So, when I fell in love with a girl, of course the church couldn't even let us be friends at all any more, which was "totally in line" with their advertising about eternal families - right?



2) In Letters to Whomever, and imprinted on my memory, is knowledge of a couple talks dead-LDS-prophet Ezra Taft Benson made on what I could call a controversial topic. Just years ago, like when I wrote my book, the talks were freely available to be viewed on the LDS church website.  BUT - NOW the church is COVERING IT UP. Right - I did a search for these talks, and they no longer appear to exist on LDS.org.  Years ago, it was LDS.org that originally showed these talks to me, but now they are all gone - covered up, never to be heard of again. As far as my limited search went, at least.




3) Basically, I grew up being hypnotized to obsess over the Mormon LDS church, I was told over and over again that the religion and the church were the absolute true, more correct and more true than any other church or religion or set of scriptures. But, though I had such faith in the truth, it basically did turn out to be a rather dishonest claim the church was making about itself. There is a lot of documentation on this issue that I don't feel like writing about here.




So -- I'm obsessed with the LDS church, I don't want to be around the LDS church anymore, but I think about it - and my Dad is going crazy from me having this obsession. It's an issue. I have a real mental health problem it seems.

Ugh.

Our world is a real crazy place I guess.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

This Evening's News

So, I was laying in bed, in a darkened bedroom, watching videos on Youtube, put my ipad away to sit and think ---

and I was looking around my room, when a light in my room suddenly disappeared, causing me a bit of a "perked eyebrow" about how I could have a light in my room which I didn't notice was there until it disappeared --- not knowing where the light came from or what it was.

I get a lot of lights in my bedroom. MOST of the time I assume the lights are headlights from passing cars. That is the best explanation for a lot of the lights I get.

But on some occasions, like with what I saw this evening, I'm not sure how to explain the light.

I would like to assume that there might be a visiting angel, but I don't really know. Who knows. It just perks my interest and makes me wonder -- because some of these lighting effects have been going on for YEARS now.

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Youtube used to show me a lot of videos about Mormonism, and especially how wrong or disproved Mormonism is.

Now Youtube tries to show me lots of videos about atheism. I watch a bunch of them - and I do find it interesting actually.

I do believe in God, I'm sure there's someone or something out there - though I don't know the whole truth, nor do I know how to argue, nor do I want to argue, with the atheists.

I'm sure there's something out there. I can't say for certain exactly what it is though - as even I am still a little bit confused about the actual truth or definition of God. You might explain it by "trinity", but the Bible said the Holy Ghost is Jesus' actual dad, so yeah, I do wonder.

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So:: Why would Youtube show me so much atheist material? Maybe it's because I was watching an ex-mormon atheist.

Or maybe it's because I wrote a book which turns out to be a story about me losing mormonism and going to regular christianity, only to find out that someone would say my book isn't actually Christian.

I know, weird eh? I freakin' MEET Jesus Christ in my life and put it in my book, and this Jesus Christ is a cigarette smoker so I think it's safe to say he's not Mormon Jesus, yet somehow someone who reviewed my book decided my book was too mormon to be Christian --- I mean, I could so a future-area-70 denying the holy ghost in my book and somehow my book's not Christian because it's too mormon. Wow.

Anyway, having met Jesus Christ, a non-Mormon Jesus Christ, and then being told my story isn't actually Christian, - that might be why I'm now in the atheist section.

I could be as truthful as I can be about God and religion, and though I meet Jesus Christ, a glowing man who wears white, with fire near his face, who speaks to me, though I would have that experience - someone would review the book saying it wasn't Christian. Wow.

So now Youtube puts me with the atheists now. I guess.

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So, in my Youtube viewings I saw this absolutely beautiful video advertisement about Christmas and Jesus with great production values, and I was like "Who made this? It looks wonderful!" --- only to see that it was actually a MormonAd by the LDS church.

Stunned.

I have much personal experience with the LDS church. Though I recognize the LDS church does actually have some kind of magic power about it, I fear the LDS/Mormon church is just a big Satanic fraud or sham ---

They appear to be such a Christian Group, they appear to be so nice and wonderful, they put on such a show and such an appearance of being the best people in the world,

but in my actual experience and study of the LDS church, I started to find things like how "forgiveness" is defined differently in their religion and "grace" is also defined differently and how if you want to be a Mormon you can forget about believing in the Bible, such verses like Luke 6:26 get thrown out completely.

I mean ----- I a absolutely stunned/shocked that the Mormons would put on such a show about how Christian they are, they appear to be the nicest, the greatest, the most wonderful, and sometimes I even start to believe it myself ---- but then there are some BIG GLARING DIFFICULTIES I've seen in their church and with their people that the whole thing becomes a big unbelievable sham.

Like, before you can go to the LDS Temple for your Endowment, you have to read the whole Book of Mormon and you have to know it's true.

That sounds like it makes sense, yet if you actually did read the Book of Mormon and if you knew or believed it to be true - YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING YOUR ENDOWMENT!!

This is my view::: The Book of Mormon, AKA "The Fulness of the Gospel", does not tell you about your need to go to the temple or do any endowments. In fact, the Book of Mormon says that Secret Combinations are works of the devil, and with how you have to promise to die if you ever reveal the temple secrets, yes to me that qualifies as a secret combination.

So, if you actually followed The Book of Mormon, you would not be going to the Mormon Temple Endowment because the temple Ceremony is in fact Forbidden in The Book of Mormon itself. As I have understood it.

Book of Mormon says "Secret Combinations are bad and therefore forbidden".
Temple Endowment Ceremony says "Kill yourself if you reveal the secret".
Temple Ceremony is Secret Combination.
Book of Mormon bans Temple Ceremony.

Anyway, i just think it's amazing that you have to read The Book of Mormon and know it's true in order to go to the Temple,

but if you actually read the Book of Mormon, understood it, and even just believed in it you should've known that going to the temple was a bad idea.

Yeah - so it amazes me how the LDS/Mormon church puts on such a beautiful "christian" display, being so freakin' nice and all, only to turn out to be so wrong in so many ways. Likely just satanic actually.

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There might've been more I wanted to write about, but I can't really remember it all right now especially as my Ubuntu 15.10 has crashed on me several times while writing this post and I'm just going to finish it now so I don't have to put up with that anymore.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The "Body Double" Explanation

So: I saw my psychiatric doctor today. I did not see my doctor the last time I was at the clinic getting my injection.

I told my doctor about seeing, three weeks ago, what look or appeared very much to be Avril Lavigne in the lobby of the clinic.

My doctor looked shocked or surprised that I would talk about Avril Lavigne being present at the psychiatric clinic, but the doctor seemed to have an explanation::

I SAW A BODY DOUBLE!

Yes!! That is my doctor's explanation!! They actually had a BODY DOUBLE of Avril Lavigne at my psychiatric clinic! She walked in when I came in, and she walked out with me. Absolutely amazing.

So, I guess that's it then. The doctors or nurses or whoever are so interested in my relationship with Avril Lavigne or are somehow trying to understand something to the point of having a freakin' BODY DOUBLE visit the clinic while I get my injection. Wow.

She did not go into detail on that topic though.

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And, I think I have finally found a very good explanation why I don't make money selling my books or video games: I'm not allowed to.

I grew up very poor, I grew up asking God for a million dollars, so of course it should be no surprise that I've been trying to make money.

But, I read in a magazine recently that meeting God or someone related to God and then trying to make money from it is frowned upon by the Catholic Church.

So, though I wrote a book about my life, because the story of my life involves Jesus appearing I am apparently not allowed to make money from the story. Makes sense - but that is culture shock for me since Mormons are always capitalizing on God and religion, and I grew up with the Mormon church.

So yeah, I am such a pathetic person that I have to get disability welfare in order to live my life, I grew up so poor that I couldn't help but go crazy, and I'm not allowed to make money from telling my story.

Makes sense.

Do I wish I had more money? Of course I do, but figuring out a way of earning it is not easily apparent on my mind. Maybe I'll become a farmer. Who knows.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I am, apparently, not allowed to hear the latest

So, I've been hearing that Avril Lavigne did a track with ex-Backstreet Boy Nick Carter recently in a song called "Get Over Me".

But I have a problem: I've looked several times now, but the song and album is personally unavailable to me personally both on iTunes and Google Play.

I read somewhere that this is a song about dealing with a partner who is obsessive.

I searched for any news if this song is just blocked in Canada, but couldn't find anything, the song/album appear to just be blocked for me personally.

I found the iTunes store http page for the album, clicked to bring it to my itunes, and it brings up - NOTHING!



So:::::: What am I to understand about myself being personally unable to hear Avril's latest?


Damn - I'm supposed to be a mentalist. I should be able to figure this out.



Actually, when I first heard about the song, my immediate impression is that I should, well, get over Avril Lavigne, that i should forget about trying to be friends with her.

I guess I might be kind of obsessive over Avril, I'm more obsessive over Avril than I am about any other artist, I guess, so maybe I'm like the obsessive partner and she wants me to get over it.

That was my first impression.


but then I found I was unable to buy or listen to her song, so that might mean that she wants to keep me as her fan. She's not going to let me listen to the ideas of getting over her, so she still wants me. Maybe.



Anyway ---- in all the time I might've ever had an opportunity to talk to Avril personally, it's a little sad but I have no social skills, especially with her, so I can't just go and talk to her and have a conversation. I can write the odd message to her, but actually talking to her is difficult for me. I'm like her Sk8er Boi in my personal experience, and even some of her fans once thought I should steal her for myself --- but I'm just really-really-ultra-shy about the girl I "love the most".

Most people I don't talk to anyway, but when I want to talk to someone, I'm usually able to say something. Even just approaching Avril Lavigne might be a problem for me. Hah. :)



So::: Either Avril wants me to get over her, or she wants me to stay, either one, specifically, is the best way I can interpret the way I'm blocked from listening the new music.

Hah.