Sunday, November 22, 2015

I Must Be Rich

Scored 561 in Blaine Bananatree on my MOJO this morning. I'm very happy with myself for that.

But what I really wanted to talk about:

I must be rich.

I mean, I can't afford a car, I can't afford a house, I don't really have friends,

But I must be rich -----


I find myself giving and giving and giving to charity after charity over and over again, giving to beggars on the street, buying absolutely everything I own, always paying an honest price -

And yet

The rest of the world will just take and take and take from me, they will steal my work and neglect to pay the smallest price of ~99¢ for anything I do.

I mean, I keep giving hundreds and thousands away - while the world can't seem to even afford the 99¢ I ask for my product.

Yes - I must be very wealthy indeed.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Reasons for Rejection revealed - and now fixed too

So, hours ago Cortex sent me their explanations for why they rejected version 1.0 of The Bananatree Brothers, and I have tried to fix the problems. And I've resubmitted.

I also removed the last two posts on this blog because they were very confused and didn't really discuss anything that really needed to be discussed. Just me rambling and babbling about some thoughts I had.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Growing Up

Well, I've been using twitter a bit recently, especially as people have come along to follow me out of the blue for some reason --- and my usual introverted "I don't like to talk to people" self is coming out.

I am amazed at the kinds of people I could talk to, I'm just not a very social person.

When it comes to a world of great creativity, I feel very small.

My creativity is extremely limited. Blaine Bananatree and the Brothers games are the result of me trying to be creative --- but that doesn't mean it was absolutely the best idea. Basically, if there's anything about the Bananatree games, it's a sort of humor, even if it can be considered a "stupid humor".

I understand if Razer thinks my two most recent games are uncool or stupid or a complete waste of energy --- but I like them because of the sort of humor about them, and also because as far as I know, they are completely, uniquely, my creation or creative idea.

As for having my most recent submission rejected for no stated reason --- I could feel paranoid about why, but I've already told myself that it's probably because Razer is very busy with Cortex and they don't have time for my game right now. Who knows, maybe they'd rather have it released when Cortex is finally ready and out there.

Or maybe my game is just too stupid. I thought it was kind of a funny idea though. :)

Anyway ---- I am absolutely impressed with the kinds of people who have started following me on twitter recently, or however it all works. Something is attracting people to me.

Like, today I noticed Twitter specifically tell me that I can PM anyone who follows me - and on their list of people I can PM is none other than Rockstar Games. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Stunning to see this big name on a list of people I could PM.

I also came home from a movie this evening to find someone else new following me: a writer who affiliates themselves with Disney. OMG.

Like --- just absolutely amazing the kinds of people who follow me. i'm amazed by it. Don't know how to handle it though - I'm not very social.

So, this is a whole new world for me --- seeing all these amazing people approaching me on Twitter. I feel like the odd-man-out or whatever it's called, with how I am actually limited in creativity and not very social. But I've tried, I guess. :)

My mind is blown, again, I guess, seeing this people (or their profiles rather).

And yes ---- I realize that the Bananatree games are really simple, even stupid, but I find it humorous, and I like it because that's what my creativity produced.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Rejection - No reasons stated - yet

So, a few days ago I submitted "The Bananatree Brothers" for review at OUYA/Cortex, and today I checked my dev portal to find that the game has been rejected.

The dev portal also tells me I should implement the required changes as stated in the review they sent me --- but I have received no email this time.

So - as of this moment, my game has been rejected without stated reason.

I'm going to assume at this point that it might be something to do with how they're waiting for Cortex to actually launch before they release my game - or I can assume that it doesn't work very well on Forge, which I can not test and fix myself yet since I don't think my Forge has the software necessary to even run the OUYA-specific code in my game.

As with any situation, I can be paranoid for any number of reasons about "other" reasons why I might get rejected - but that kind of thinking doesn't help until someone actually tells me what their problem is.

So, my game has been rejected with no stated reason at this point, and we'll just have to wait and see.


Interesting things to note: On twitter, I feel I am becoming more and more popular. I don't tweet very much - it's just that I've now got some new followers in the past days and weeks, such as a publishing company, a new retail outlet, and another author --- all who somehow heard about me and decided to follow. Who knows how much is going on out there that I can't see for myself. Yeah.

Also::: this morning I had a beefy meatball kebob, and then I did a number-only pick 3 telepathy test with my dad and did a cool 2/3 on that. So, maybe beef isn't to blame for poor telepathy, as just ate some beef and then did pretty well, I calculate the odds at 1:18.

OH ----- and as for being rejected for no stated reason by OUYA/Forge, if it is an "other" reason for rejection other than just the game itself, well, that's too bad because I recently got an email from my Independent Member of Legislative Assembly's Constituency Office telling me to keep developing video games if it makes me happy. I mean, my government didn't seem to have a problem with my activities - so we'll see what the actual company's problem is.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Super Impressive Telepathy

So, for a day or two, my telepathy tests haven't really been that great.

But just moments ago I did an Alphanumeric Pick 3 test with my dad.

I wrote "C A 2"

He had written down "1 D Z"

Seeing that my 2 and his Z are so similar, I felt encouraged and tried again.

I wrote "A H 9"

He had written down "H 9 R"



I am just so happy with myself right now. Yay. Happy as can be.

So ----- when I thought I saw Avril Lavigne at the hospital this past week --- was I hallucinating? Was it really her? What was I supposed to do?

I'd probably want to be in her movie with her --- but what are the chances that I'd fail the background check or the skill testing question? Who knows.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Bad News

Yesterday was supposed to be the big day in my life - the day Avril selected me to be her new Boyfriend in her upcoming animated movie - but it was ruined by that horrible terrible thing that happened in Paris. I mean, Friday the 13th is the perfect day for Avril to make me be her new boyfriend - BUT IT WAS RUINED!!!! This world is insane with how messed up some of the people in it are. Terrible news (speaking of the horrible turn of events in Paris). I'm very sorry for those people. I pray for them.


Bad news ----- I almost feel hypnotized to just procrastinate endlessly on my "The Bananatree Brothers" game - it's like I'm supposed to wait for Christmas, or at least until the Forge Cortex is released.

I'll think about the game, but then I just don't feel any energy to do any work on it. Pretty sad. I guess I'm being fatefully forced to wait to a later date.

The best I could do, as I turned on my computer to write this post, was go into my text editor and write the draft of the Game Description that will show up in the store and on the website. I guess I might as well get someone else to look at what I wrote.


Very sorry to hear about what happened in France. I feel so bad about that.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Missionary Visit

So, I had just been watching a video on Youtube that disproved mormonism in 40 seconds (and there's another one out there that disproves them in a similar short period of time that I've seen before too) and I heard the doorbell ring, and the knock at the door.

A Missionary with his, probably, High Priest split-off companion coming by to say "Hi".

I'm supposed to let my parents know that they came by.

But I did let them know before they left that, each for our own reasons, the men in my family have no belief in that church anymore and only the females have any interest in them.

Just thought I'd note this short encounter on my blog.

Also of note::: it was a few days ago that I got a message from an LDS Single Adult Rep asking me if I'm interested in any of their activities. I also let her know I'm not really all that interested anymore.

I know LDS people can be really really nice (although some of them are just nasty), and though they are really really nice, I've examined the doctrine and found it wanting.

Of course, I'm also examining what the atheists think, and I do say that they have some VERY CLEVER arguments on their side ---- and really, I don't have the best arguments on my side about some of the things they say other than that I've seen things and experienced things that say God is real regardless of what the atheists say, even if God can be seen as "evil", essentially.

I think God can be very good, but I understand when he is also viewed as a force of evil. Doesn't mean he doesn't exist though.

Telepathy Returns

So: for the past week or two my telepathy hasn't been doing so well. But today things changed.

Just moments ago I was sitting here, I asked my dad "Think of a character between 0 to 9 and A to Z".

The first time I read "O" and he said "Q".

The second time I read "R" and he said "R".

Now that was pretty decent - that was pretty good.

Do I have a theory why it works sometimes and not other times? I'm guessing it might be dietary. I don't want to upset anyone --- but from my experience I am thinking that Chicken is good for telepathy while Beef is bad for telepathy. Just a theory.

Anything else going on?

For the past day or two, I'd sit around thinking of things I could say, but then not say it because it didn't seem important enough for I've already said it. My mind is almost blank of more things to say, like i've forgotten.

I probably want to talk more, but as the Eminem rap I was listening to last night said something about people who want to talk but all they speak is Gibberish.

I'm just wondering if the things I want to say are just as important to talk about at this point. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Seeing Someone at the Clinic

So: today I saw what very much looked like Avril Lavigne at my psychiatric clinic at the hospital.

She walked into the clinic when i walked in, and she left with me as I walked out -- and all she did was sit in the waiting room for a while as I got my injection.

I was so stunned by the experience that I was wondering if I was hallucinating or if this is really the real Avril Lavigne.

But, I suppose the real major reason why she and I didn't exchange any verbally spoken words in this experience is because we were expected to be telepathic with each other.

Was there any clear communication? I don't think so --- for one, I was so surprised and stunned that I could help but watch in absolute mystification as I saw her at that location. For seconds, for the past week or two my telepathy with my parents hasn't worked totally great, except this morning where I correctly read "A or B", only wrote down "B", when the answer was "A" with my mom.

Like, Avril walked in when I came in. She walked out "with me" essentially. She stopped at the hospital cafeteria. I went on my way. I'm so introverted.

Like, you'd think I should just open my mouth and talk to her right? I couldn't bring myself to -- the whole experience was so crazy.

No, I think silence was actually expected at this encounter. If there was comms, it was supposed to be mentalism-only at this point.

I felt no great urge to follow her into the cafeteria, maybe though, because I was planning on going elsewhere afterwards.

Perfect opportunity for a date and I "screwed up". I could have just -- what? What was I supposed to do? I think everyone wanted telepathy, and only telepathy. Couldn't say a word.

And yes, this girl who looked so much like Avril Lavigne is/was quite good-looking, but my testosterone levels are/were low. :)

More talk about reality problems

So, I saw my psychiatric nurse today, and she's inclined to believe that my dad is losing his mind. He's either losing his mind, in the news today, or both. It's just so interesting how the news could report on him that way. I understand it, but everyone likes to keep a certain "veil of secrets/privacy" over issues and things.


What I really want to discuss now is another memory of when "reality stopped making sense".

I mean, maybe what I experienced made perfect sense, but it also sort of doesn't.

Years ago, on two occasions, one shortly after the other, I was on Facebook looking at the news feed and comment posts -- and I saw this one comment on I think it was a South Park post that said the comment was, and I'll paraphrase, written by a ghost who was going to do some seriously nasty things unless the comment was sent to however many news media stations and broadcast everywhere.

Basically, it was a "message from a malevolent ghost" who wanted to appear in news media, and threatened to do horrible things.

The first time I took a screen shot and reported the message to my MLA and MP, as I remember. But, that didn't help enough, because something very horrible did happen shortly afterwards (it was famous).

The same thing happened again a few weeks later, but I just ignored it that time, and something horrible happened again, which I don't even remember anymore except just knowing that something happened.

Anyway ----- reality to me is so nonsensical that I've seen messages from malevolent spirits on Facebook that threaten bad stuff unless news media is notified. Anyway, I told two elected government officials, and bad stuff happened anyways.

Yeah, reality is that bad for me.


Another freakin' problem with my reality::: today when I was at my psychiattric clinic, I saw a girl who looked a LOT like Avril Lavigne there, looking sort of like herself, also looking slightly different then what you might expect --- but I could definitely see the resemblance, some "Avril" at my psychiatric clinic.

So, I tune into Facebook, and guess what? Avril Lavigne DID have a medical checkup today for her health problems.   ISSUE: Avril in her checkup photos from today was dressed in dark clothes, while the Avril I saw at my psychiatric clinic was dressed in white (although, her white pants did have rips and holes in them, like her song "I like it better with my jeans all ripped up" - I mean, it just seemed and looked like her OK?)

Anyway ---- so Avril was at a medical center today, and I saw her at a medical center today, and though it looked like the same person, the clothes "she" or "they" were wearing were completely different colors. Huh.

reality makes little to no sense anymore.

I think my Dad made the news today

So, I was looking at the news on iOS 9 on my iphone:

There is a certain story here, and though certain details and names have been changed ---- and I know the news does this from previous personal experience ------ I am pretty sure the news story is about my Dad.

I will not go into detail about the news story or whatever the issue is, but it is clear that


Not everyone frowns upon my Dad, but there is vocal outcry against him.

And I kind of understand it too.

Some things against my Dad are spurious or even false, as he says for himself, but when you examine what I have experienced with my own father it's possible that my own negative view of him has spread, and maybe even transformed --- so even though what this news story is about, which actually isn't really a big deal --- is just being criticized for the sake of criticizing someone who has committed other problems.

Anyway --- I do realize this news story (from regular news media) is most likely and probably absolutely about my own father, and I even understand why he is frowned upon.

Maybe there's a reason there's racism against Saxons from the Normans: The saxons were lower class and pretty "low", to say it in-offensively, as I have heard from the historians.

My dad is descended from Saxons, and, being wrought with serious mental issues in my family, it might even just be genetics. Which is really too bad for me because I have to live with it, but also realize that it's quite probable that his brain just doesn't work too well, as can be said for various reasons about anyone who goes through the temple in the Mormon Church (which I will not discuss here).

Monday, November 9, 2015

Defending yourself and your freedoms

I was having a little chat with my brother this evening.

I don't remember all of the discussion, but it centred around this:

Why am I not allowed to legally defend my freedom and liberty against an abusive and controlling church that took away my friends and made me want to kill myself?

I mean::: with my experience with the LDS Mormon church, I KNOW that they are the nastiest sons of bitches I've ever had to encounter ever in my life -- I'm serious --- even classmates who hypnotized me to kill people weren't as bad as the LDS church.

So, well, when a church is taking away my friends, forcing me on medications for even believing in miracles, making me want to kill myself and telling me they don't care if I kill myself, constantly engaging in a psychology of condemnation and torment over very little "problems" that can hardly be considered problems ---

when a church is behaving that way ---- why on earth do I have no right to try and defend myself from them?  I never even physically hurt anyone with my own two hands at that church, and yet, I am completely wrong to rebel against what they were doing.

Anyway --- though I could make a legal argument that what I did was actually technically legal, because of free expression of a free conscience and my right to liberty which needed to be defended,

though I could make that legal argument::: My brother essentially just argued I shouldn't do it because it's illegal.


Final case about this: just because it's illegal, does that mean you really shouldn't do it?

The french resistance in the 1940's was illegal. Were they wrong to do that?

It's illegal to download copy-right infringed copies of my book -- illegal rip offs alone are illegal, yet people still do it - right?

On those grounds I still believe my brother has lost the argument. ;p



I suppose this argument has gone on for years and it's like beating a dead horse for me to bring it up again, but in the context of me being at home with my brother I just want to make some points clear:

It has been said that you can leave the Mormon church, but you can't leave the church alone. I, like many other people who choose to cease involvement in mormonism, have psychological issues they have needs to talk about.

Also, maybe the psychiatric doctors were doing the best they could with what information and capability they had - maybe - and maybe they are even trying to help me by taking away my pain through medication ----- maybe the psychiatry wasn't supposed to be so much a punishment as a way to just plain help me ----- but there is one problem here::::: Psychiatric drugs cause weight gain, even severe weight gain, and this is a health risk.

You see, I think I could have been happy just to have the LDS church exit my life entirely, and have all the insanities of it just explained to me (Youtube has now done a good job of that for me), and I could have lived a happier life just having the mormons removed, without the need of the fattening medications. Basically, my mom is always making comments about how I'm not allowed to get fatter and fear of diabetes and heart disease and stuff ----- she has to drug me, which makes me fat, and then "berate" me about the consequences of being fat. Wow. She made me get fat, and now she's warning me of the health risks. Bloody brilliant.

Anyway, and finally, just explaining and discussing the situation of Mormonism and their inability to forgive retribution for their bullcrap is just me trying to explain that we really should not being giving money to that church, and in fact, maybe we could even ignore them.

Maybe i can't ignore the LDS church right now because the women in my family still involve themselves with it. Half my family is involved, so technically it's still in my face, that whole religion. Kind of like when my mom will STILL ask me about giving me intentions to actually follow the sabbath day like ancient Jews - because that's still important to her, apparently.

So, I can't give up discussing mormonism and all that shebang when half my family is still involved and therefore it's still in my face.

I don't give up on justifying my actions, because it feels like punishment for me to take medications which are known to cause serious weight gain.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

More on Nonsensical Reality

I mentioned a day or two ago my story about the government guy at church, and then being told I was crazy for having that experience: reality had stopped making sense.

Here's another something like that:::

The missionaries were practising their discussions on our family (a while before I went crazy) and I had previously learned some related subject matter and started to tell the missionaries what I learned.

The missionaries were upset because I was telling them "temple-only" information that I wasn't supposed to know, nor what I supposed to be sharing it around.

The missionaries asked me who told me that stuff.

I told them, truthfully, as far as I knew, that it was taught to everyone in my seminary class by a certain individual (who was not actually a seminary teacher).

The missionaries were very puzzled by that because this person, they said, WOULD NEVER have told us that stuff, especially to everyone in seminary.

Basically, either someone in the church wasn't keeping their sacreds very secret anymore, or reality stopped making sense because I learned something I wasn't supposed to know and there's no way that could have been a real and true and logical or real experience -- even though it is what I experienced.

Strange eh?

Note: In that seminary class, it was not made clear to us that this was the temple endowment information, nor was it clear that it wasn't to be shared with anyone ---- it was just another seminary class.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Lethargic about my own games

So, I was on STEAM this morning, bought a new game, started playing it, and even though I barely tasted the whole game ---- I realized the game was like 5000x better than my own work.

Maybe that explains why I have difficulty making even $0.99 with my projects.

So, though Bananatree Brothers is pretty much "finished", as far as I know, besides promotional video, back cover copy and being fully tested --- it is such a weak game in comparison to this steam game that I'm wondering how much is it even worthwhile to release my game?

I can easily make an excuse and wait to release The Bananatree Brothers until Forge Cortex has been released or started up --- maybe I can do that....

But really, my creativity again feels so limited, and I'm nothing compared to the superior quality of this game I found on STEAM. Of course, I would sell for only 99 cents, while this game is quite a bit more expensive --- but still, who's even going to play my game when they could just play this steam game? Hah. :)


In other news, I've been thinking about the true nature of God, and though I am not and probably cannot be entirely certain, I'm at the point of believing that Jesus is in fact GOD ALMIGHTY Himself.

I was at the point of wondering if Jesus is "God" or if he's just a "Prophet".  I prayed about this question, and the telepathic response came back that He is God.

Of course, telepathy is neither totally accurate nor totally trustworthy in my experience, but the general hearsay I get from the Bible and even in my prayers and telepathy is that Jesus is God.

Yeah - when you figure out that the Holy Ghost is the actual father of Jesus, that does kind of destroy trinitarianism, and even leads me to be inclined that Jesus IS God, his own father, that sort of thing. Is it 100% proven? Of course not, but that's what seems most logical to me.

of course, If Jesus IS GOD --- that means he has a very big sense of humour, and that much I can understand about Him.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Should I have remained quiet - or was writing a book the right path?

I wonder if I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about anything that ever happened in my life, such as by not writing a book about it.

But you have to realize:::: with everything I had experienced by the time I wrote the book, I was in such a state of daze and wonderment about my life, like, I was absolutely dazzled by my experiences --- I couldn't help but thinking that writing a book and getting the word out was the next best thing I could do - especially as at that time I was still under the influence of my patriarchal blessing telling me to speak to the nations.

I look back on my life ---- and I realize that what I've been through is so strange that reality doesn't seem like reality anymore --- I mean, my reality was absolutely "crazy", for lack of a better word.

Like maybe I wasn't supposed to talk about things, maybe I was supposed to stay quiet --- but when you start working on a book about your life, and then Jesus comes to visit you three times in one week after you've finished the initial draft, I mean, reality just stops making sense to quickly that it's just second nature to reveal all this stuff that happened and keeping any secrets doesn't even begin to seem important.

Like::: in my book I discuss my experience where the youth group met in 2001 and the government guy had talked to bishop to start a media campaign to fight a war on terror:

my parents I thought I was crazy when I related these experiences to them,

So therefore either the experience was legit and calling me so "crazy" was just overkill on the crazy accusations, or that experience really was a complete hallucination and it just let me know about what was going to happen in the future.

I mean ---- either I have been overly-falsely accused of being crazy (another reason to write a book) --- or reality makes such little sense seeing as how I can have a complete experience that was solely hallucinatory --- and whatever the case was, writing the book made the most sense to me ---- because reality wasn't making sense to me.

I KNOW there was a "magical" aspect to the experience, that much is clear, and I know the story is so crazy and disturbing that it's much like something you'd find in the Bible itself --- I mean, I'm just living my life now, wondering "what the heck was I thinking or doing that whole time?"

Basically, I just have to explain that it didn't make sense to me to keep the story secret or hidden.

And reality stopped making sense to me. Reality is magical, so either I was hallucinating all kinds of things (realistically), or I was being overly-accused of being crazy. No idea anymore.

Final note:: those crazy accusations have left me on drugs which I'm pretty sure affect my metabolism, and I think they lower my metabolism, so of course I am quite heavy.

It's just interesting that I can have experiences I know are real and true - but then people find fault with any part of it in any way (even if their fault is not truly logical) and I get drugged. Hmm.

Ideas or even Truths about GOD

So, I watched a few videos this evening, and the thesis statements behind two of them really struck me:

1) One video basically described God, if he is real as described by certain Christians, as a senseless, psychopathic and evil being.

2) Another video put down trinitarianism by pointing out that in the Bible that it was the Holy Ghost that overshadowed and made Mary pregnant with Jesus, and therefore the HOLY GHOST is actually Jesus' true father and therefore God the Father is essentially the Holy Ghost, because God the Father is Jesus' dad but the Holy Ghost is Jesus' biological father, therefore the Holy Ghost is essentially God The Father.

What does that mean about the son then? Is Jesus really just his own dad? OMG - brain broke - mind blown. Is the Trinity actually just Two? or One? I'm confused.

In the note I received from "Jesus" back in 2002, the one that said "Pay two hundred to Father, Son & Cousin" signed with the name "Jesus", I always thought it was referring to God the Father, Jesus Christ, and John the Baptist personally - that was my take on it.

Anyway. Funny.

So::: If GOD is, as he is, an evil and psychotic being in and of himself, then that doesn't leave me many options:

I either believe in a God who is evil and psychotic, or I have hallucinated a relationship with a being that makes me psychotic.

Catch 22. All this time I've wanted to prove some level of sanity, but I've got this one guy pointing out that the God of the Christians is a Mass-Murdering psychopath/just plain evil while if my experiences seriously were just hallucinations then that means I really am quite crazy personally.


1) Telepathy is scientifically proven as far as I'm concerned, even if I'm not totally all that great at it.

2) Telepathy has historically worked in cooperation with Jesus sightings in my life in the past.

I am relatively sure that there really is a God of some kind out there, and yes, I even recognize that it's not all sunshine flowers and rainbows --- it can be pretty hectic with that guy.

The things I'm learning. What is the actual truth?

One argument that God is evil is how many children he just lets die all the time --- He never saves so many children, presumably because they didn't believe in Him, or were never brought up with Him in their culture.

My argument is that God set out some pretty decent rules for how to live your life when Jesus Christ came along - I'm sure a hole might be poked in this argument at any point, but Jesus Christ really really tried to make things better - to save us -

My point is that as a child, you realize that children, some or a lot or most of children -- are actually in and of themselves freakin' evil and crazy.

I'm not lying. I grew up as a child. I know what children are like --- they can be completely evil ---- I can't say I know each and every one of thousands of cases of God's involvement in child neglect, but my hypothesis is that God might neglect a lot of evil and rotten children.

I know, innocent until proven guilty is what they say and therefore each child must be considered innocent --- but what if in God's eyes, there are zillions of children who just aren't right in the head?

I am no foreigner to the concept of completely misbehaved children. Maybe there's a reason why God lets so many children just die, as a hypothesis.  Any child can try to prove me wrong --- and to do that, they have to accept Jesus and live as good as possible. I invite any child in the world to take up that challenge. In order to prove me wrong however, if a Child accepts christ and lives right, that child has to die from God's neglect.

So, I can rationalize a hypothesis for why God lets so many children die --- but lets be clear, God still isn't perfect sunshine rainbows and flowers all the time anyways.

I am personally reasonably certain that there is some kind of "God force" out there - a sort of force that can make your mind aware of future events, transmit communication through thought and even coincide with apparent appearances of Jesus.

Anyway. Either I am well deserving of my disability benefit at this point, or there is a God who has interacted with me in my life - and I'm mostly certain it is God.

No, God isn't all perfectly happy with all people, in face God can be downright "evil" in the way he treats some people - I am aware of that. But just because God is evil doesn't mean I think he's disproved or not there. And he's not totally evil either --- He really did try to give some good or decent rules to live by to make things run more smoothly and happily.

So:: Is God the Father and the Holy Ghost the same person? According to the Bible, The Holy Ghost is actually Jesus Christ's biological father. Is Jesus also one and the same with the Holy Ghost, or is God seriously just two beings? If there is a third being -- who or what exactly? So, we've got a Holy Spirit who is the father in spirit, and the son, who is God in flesh.  Is Jesus the same guy as his own Dad, just switching between corporeal and incorporeal? I dunno. Not sure. Man, I have had some interesting experiences with seeing things or people though.

I mean, if I really ever experienced an actual experience with Jesus -- isn't it just too bad that I got so scared or nervous or even introverted that I couldn't just talk to Him and ask the big questions?

Anyway, I should end this post now --- Ubuntu is crashing a bunch more.

Just some interesting thoughts. I'm pretty sure there is a God or something like a God out there - he might be evil and so mysterious that he lets billions be confused about His actual identity or His truth, but I know there's something out there. :)

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Never Having a Girlfriend or Wife

So, on this blog, I mentioned how I was email chatting with this girl from another country who wanted to be my girlfriend. Though she seemed to be falling in love with me, I ended up shutting it down --- there are any number of paranoid reasons you could say I shut it down, but the biggest logical or logistical reason I had to shut it down is that I just can't afford a girlfriend or wife.

A few weeks ago, I got another email from yet another girl who wanted to be my girlfriend or wife or whathaveyou. I didn't even respond to this one because I already know I'd probably turn it off eventually, and it's just best not to start something which might or likely won't end well.

So, I'm kind of feeling bad about shutting down girls who might be interested in me.

Part of the problem might be that now that I'm 31 years old, my testosterone is lowering and my interest in the ladies has seriously decreased.

Another problem is that I don't see much money coming in and I really just can't afford having a wife or girlfriend.

If I were supposed to reproduce, then I'd have the capability to reproduce. And you'd think I'm supposed to reproduce seeing as how I was the smartest kid in school for so many years running and that I was essentially a leader (as I see it) in rejecting Mormonism because that church turned out just to be really-really-non-intellectual ---- I mean, maybe you'd think I was supposed to reproduce just because of how completely brilliant I might've been in my life (I'm not just tooting my own horn or making a circular argument here either, I know I'm smart because other people tell me I'm smart, even in the years of my mental illness I have been considered intelligent) --- you'd think I'd reproduce, but seeing as how I just don't have the kind of funding or capital, I just can't afford it nor, without paying me enough for stuff, society might just deem me to be the kind of guy who actually SHOULDN'T reproduce.

I mean, I can live quite happily without having children of my own I think. Maybe having a girlfriend would be nice, but really, I just can't do that.

So, to all the ladies who feel I might've turned them down::: Society just doesn't seem to see it fit for me to have children. Doesn't matter how I aced a math final exam in school or generally just had high or top grades ----- the world doesn't give me the funding (through actually paying me properly), so I can't.

It's kind of funny that Google would go so far as to actually have special blurbs on their search pages for The Eagle's Sore, because I've only ever actually sold TWO copies of that book to anybody, one of those persons I know personally.  I've bought plenty of books myself that I have given away (around 20, I'd say), and I've given away few legal freebies as ebook downloads ---- and though I've only had 2 real legitimate sales of my book, somehow Google saw fit to put special blurbs on their search pages for my books. Wow.

So. 2 copies sold gets you a special blurb on Google search pages. I guess this is a world where 4 sales gets you to 82nd on the O-Rank. Absolutely astounding that this is how bad the economy is.

I might be forgiving, but all those 70-80% of christians who are likely responsible for downloading illegal copies of my products should realize the bible also says "Faith without works is dead".

So though the wages of sin is death, and Jesus made payment for that, now that you are saved through Christ I suppose I should mention you are expected to work anyway because faith without works is also dead. If you believe in Jesus, you should probably do whatever the work is that's necessary to pay me my 99cents. Hah. :)

Of course, I guess it's also written somewhere in Corinthians that no one fell to any sin unless we were all doing it, or something like that ---- and maybe that's why the economy is crap, because everyone decided not to pay for things. :)

Anyway, I can't have children because people don't pay me. In order to have children I should be able to afford at least a place to live, probably transportation too--- as well as just having the food and clothing and all that stuff, you know? At this point I can only give that to myself, nobody else in the equation. Unfortunately.


As a final note, I'll just say i was writing this blog post on an Ubuntu Linux 15.10 machine, and that the operating system completely crashed twice during the writing. (Thank Google that Chrome remembered what I had already written upon restore) --- anyway, my Ubuntu linux has crashed too frequently while my Macs do much better, I think. I like Ubuntu --- but it's not totally perfectly stable.

Did I catch a virus that clamd (Clam Daemon) didn't scan? Does Clam Daemon even try to scan for viruses? I dunno, maybe I should just do a virus scan while I sleep --- maybe it's a virus, but it's also quite possibly just an unstable operating system problem. Just thought I'd share that with you guys out there.