Saturday, October 24, 2015

Painful Thoughts

In my last blog post I explained how a "best explanation" for what's going on in my life was making me feel very good and I was happy living with that explanation, even if it were only delusion.

This morning I'm thinking about how it's only reasonable to assume that OUYA is not very popular and that a top game might sell only 12 copies, and how my Dad migiht just be enjoying old age security as he is living more rich and that there's no extra treasure anywhere, that there's no payment from OUYA.

Guess what? Having a mind that believes that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my work actually HURTS MY FEELINGS. I FEEL PAIN IN MY CHEST about it.

I am on psychiatric medication, so maybe that lessens the blow, but even with psychiatric medications just having an idea that people would not pay me the smallest price for my work 97%+ of the time makes me feel hurt inside.

I spent over 10 years working on The Book of Finch.
I spent over 6 months working on Letters to Whomever.
I spent over a year working on The Eagle's Sore.
I spent over 6 months working on ICBM.
I spent over 6 months working on Doorless Darts.
I spent many work hours in at least 2 weeks working on Pfhonge.

I spent all this time working on all these projects, only to find that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my efforts.

I found that people would rip-off my books, I found that I lost thousands of books in a period of 2-3 weeks to people using illegal downloads (and I only asked for a dollar each too!)

People just wouldn't pay me for my videogames, generally speaking.


WHERE DOES THE INSANITY END????


I WORKED HARD BUT CAN'T GET PAID?????


NO ONE CAN SPARE A BUCK HUH????


These thoughts actually hurt me inside. Just doing ALL THAT WORK, and pretty much not being paid for it, at all. It hurts emotionally, and maybe that emotional hurt is even to a level of physical pain in my chest.





But when my mind believes a potentially false belief that my Dad got paid a pile by OUYA ---- this belief actually PHYSICALLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Just knowing I accomplished and achieved was a good feeling for me.



So::: what am I supposed to believe? If my Dad told me the truth, that he's not rich, then I will feel bad about all my work.  I have to believe that my Dad was lying to me in order to feel good.



That is so sad isn't it?


I was only asking for a buck or two!!! And 97%+ of people weren't going to bother to spend, in fact, in case of the books people were just going to STEAL!!!! AGGGGH!!!

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