Sunday, October 4, 2015

Forced to Fail and the Question of Sanity

So, I was talking to my brother this evening, I talked to him about how Tom Cuthbert (fake name) the psychiatric nurse told me that because I gave up in schooling and in life, because of my "give up" - that was a symptom of schizophrenia so therefore I am schizophrenic.

So, the way I gave up in life made me schizophrenic.

But then I talked to my brother about how everything I've ever tried that I could have been successful at seems to get "forced to fail".

Basically, it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't matter how much success I could have potentially had -- there's always something that comes along that forces me to fail.

So I asked my brother::: If everything I could have been successful at fails due to circumstances beyond my control, such as an invisible hand that will always make me fail, then when I give up does that make me schizophrenic?

My brother thought about that. "no, it doesn't", he said.

So there you have it:: I gave up in life, and my old psychiatric nurse told me that was a symptom of schizophrenia ---- but when you see how much I've been forced to fail in my life regardless of how successful I could have been, you then realize that me giving up isn't actually schizophrenia at all.

I'm just going to relate a story I have a fragment of a memory of, it's just a memory, and I think it's a real memory, but everyone else involved may have forgotten or might not admit to the truth of it - but I have this memory so I will relate it here:

Before I turned 17 years years old, in my late 16s, my youngest sister had her birthday. She had a birthday party, with a bunch of her friends over at our house.

I remember one of her friends, even Bishop Stevens' daughter (Bishop Stevens is a fake name for my bishop in The Book of Finch), said to her "Hey, do you want to make your brother go insane?"  "YES! Of course I do!" "So repeat after me" ---- and then these girls start making or chanting insane things like a magic spell designed to make me go crazy.

When I saw these girls doing these things to me, I could have reacted to try to make them stop - but I realized that if I had reacted at them they would have immediately won because my reaction in itself would have been insane and probably deemed "wrong".

Anyway, fact of the matter is:::: I have some memory, just months before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, that my sister(s), even with her/their friends, were DELIBERATELY TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

I just have a memory of my Sisters and their friends deliberately stating and casting their spell to drive me insane. This is at a time when I'm already hurting badly inside from the loss of my friendship with Annie Liability (fake name).

There's always someone doing something wrong I guess.

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