Saturday, October 31, 2015

Stuff Going On

So, I've been working on another videogame: "The Bananatree Brothers" --- a 2 player split-screen competitive version of Blaine Bananatree. Maybe I'll even sell a copy, we'll see.

I was also thinking about some same old thoughts about my annoyances or problems with Mormonism.

I was telling my Dad about how if you are just a regular old Joe in the Mormon church, with regular problems, they'll belittle and berate you about being a "natural man" (who is an enemy to God according to Mormon scripture) --- so if you naturally have overactive hormones or if you drink coffee, or caffeine, or any number of little problems that aren't even really necessarily problems, the church will just belittle and berate you about it.

But, according to the Mormon doctrine, you are supposed to deny yourself of all ungodliness, so in my experience when you start becoming supernatural and God-like the LDS church then just starts calling you crazy and starts drugging you for how crazy being God-like would actually be.

So I was talking to my Dad about that, and he just said it was all abuse. If you can't just live a good and happy life in mormonism, if you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, then it was all just abuse.

If you are a regular joe who buys lottery tickets, they'll belittle you about that.

If you actually start predicting the future or meeting Jesus or whatever supernatural god-like qualities you might start to develop --- the church will just give you the crazy medication even though these are the qualities you are SUPPOSED to be developing.

So, yeah, the LDS church was just abuse --- you couldn't be free from torment if you were normal with regular problems, and you couldn't be free from the torment if you actually achieved any level of higher power either. It was just abuse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

But I've been seeing more videos from Youtube discussing the viewpoints of the atheists.

I think these people are smart and have interesting arguments, but I do disagree that there is no higher power like God. I do agree that you can't really necessarily trust religion, but in my own experience I know that either I am completely freakin' mad myself or I have actually experienced a relationship with some kind of real "greater entity".

There is evidence that I am for real, such as an ability to perform telepathy or mind reading tests on family members at least somewhat successfully.

Just today (or in the past 24 hours I should say) I did a test with my mom where I wrote down:


And she had written down::


So, obviously I got the letter L right --- and maybe you'd have some understanding that the S and Z are just mirror images of each other, but what about the O and the G?

When I was mind reading in this example, I could have chosen G or O, but I chose G because I saw a gap between the 3 o'clock where the O had begun to be drawn and the 12 o'clock where the O had ended ---- it wasn't a perfect circle as I saw in my mind-reading so I wrote down G.

She had written down an O, but it wasn't the perfect circle, just as I had expected either. Though G might be more pronounced than the less than perfect circle she had drawn on her O, her O did have that gap there which gave my reading the impression it may have been a G.

Anyway, if anything, I still got 1/3 ---- and I do that a LOT nowadays, 1/3 even being the result I'll commonly get now, so I know I have some mind-reading ability. Do I ever get it all wrong? Yes --- but I have more idea that I'm getting more 1/3's though.

So yeah, I ask God for things to happen and they have happened as I directed, or close to how I directed.

I have seen interestingly magical things, like people and just mysterious stuff like that.

Maybe religion isn't totally trustworthy --- but I'm at a point in my experience with the "magical" now that I know there is a God regardless of what any atheist might say.

I am either completely mad or I have proven God.

When I can get good results in mind-reading --- that suggests something greater than "just madness".

So yeah, the Mormons like saying "I know the church is true", but in order to really "know" such a thing they'd have to have actual experience with it, something real and tangible to let them know it's real, but though their church teaches you that you should become like God, if you actually become like God you'll just get drugged for it --- so it is all kind of ridiculous and pointless.

I could go on forever writing and talking about all the problems I've seen in the Mormon/LDS church. I think I'd get tired of typing and you'd get tired of reading though.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

I love OUYA

OUYA is still OUYA as far as I know, so I call it OUYA.

Well, today my games suddenly dropped from their lofty points on the O-Rank and are all in the lower 50% of games, even reaching right down near to the bottom, on the O-Rank.

I have to say, that this ranking actually feels "more realistic" for me.

For much of the past week, Blaine Bananatree ranked in the 200's.

There was a time where if I sold an OUYA game I would see it pop up into the 400's. But BB was in the 200's with no new reported sales.

Either OUYA isn't making any money, or I did sell copies that aren't reported, and who knows what is going on.

Anyway, without reported sales it only feels more realistic that my games would rank lower on the O-Rank.

In fact, I might be talented in that I was even able to develop a video game, let alone 5 video games, but I KNOW that I'm actually not THAT talented, so when I look at many other games on OUYA I actually feel my work is inferior - compared to a lot of other games on the system.

It was amazing for me to see some of my games rank higher than a bunch of other games that I would have thought were "cooler games".

In fact, looking at the O-Rank ---- there are a LOT of great looking games on OUYA! They do really look great! And though a person might have sense of inflated self-worth about their own work, I look at other games and think the grass is greener on that side. Hah. :)

Anyway, just seeing all those great games on OUYA makes me realize how great OUYA is --- a great fun time. If only I had friends to play OUYA with.

But yeah ---- seeing my games rank highly, but then not have sales, kind of makes me wonder what's going on.

It only feels realistic to have no sales and to be lower on the rank.

Although, it is nice that people would take interest in my games so I'm able to see that someone played it (by my game ranking higher), I do of course, yet again, wonder about money. I grew up poor. I think I have a right to try and make a buck. Wondering where the sales are. You know?

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Painful Thoughts

In my last blog post I explained how a "best explanation" for what's going on in my life was making me feel very good and I was happy living with that explanation, even if it were only delusion.

This morning I'm thinking about how it's only reasonable to assume that OUYA is not very popular and that a top game might sell only 12 copies, and how my Dad migiht just be enjoying old age security as he is living more rich and that there's no extra treasure anywhere, that there's no payment from OUYA.

Guess what? Having a mind that believes that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my work actually HURTS MY FEELINGS. I FEEL PAIN IN MY CHEST about it.

I am on psychiatric medication, so maybe that lessens the blow, but even with psychiatric medications just having an idea that people would not pay me the smallest price for my work 97%+ of the time makes me feel hurt inside.

I spent over 10 years working on The Book of Finch.
I spent over 6 months working on Letters to Whomever.
I spent over a year working on The Eagle's Sore.
I spent over 6 months working on ICBM.
I spent over 6 months working on Doorless Darts.
I spent many work hours in at least 2 weeks working on Pfhonge.

I spent all this time working on all these projects, only to find that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my efforts.

I found that people would rip-off my books, I found that I lost thousands of books in a period of 2-3 weeks to people using illegal downloads (and I only asked for a dollar each too!)

People just wouldn't pay me for my videogames, generally speaking.




These thoughts actually hurt me inside. Just doing ALL THAT WORK, and pretty much not being paid for it, at all. It hurts emotionally, and maybe that emotional hurt is even to a level of physical pain in my chest.

But when my mind believes a potentially false belief that my Dad got paid a pile by OUYA ---- this belief actually PHYSICALLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Just knowing I accomplished and achieved was a good feeling for me.

So::: what am I supposed to believe? If my Dad told me the truth, that he's not rich, then I will feel bad about all my work.  I have to believe that my Dad was lying to me in order to feel good.

That is so sad isn't it?

I was only asking for a buck or two!!! And 97%+ of people weren't going to bother to spend, in fact, in case of the books people were just going to STEAL!!!! AGGGGH!!!

Friday, October 23, 2015

Lie Detected maybe?

So, I'm a mentalist, and you'd think that'd help me find a lot of truth, and sometimes it really has helped, but sometimes the thoughts telepathy transmit are in themselves dishonest, so I often don't really know anyway.

But, I can say that I think I've understood that there's something dishonest going on:: something is being deliberately hidden from me, although partially exposed.

Maybe I shouldn't even talk about it, but I just feel like mentioning it here:

Someone at OUYA once told me that my game, DOORLESS DARTS, is a TOP TITLE at OUYA.

A TOP TITLE is necessarily considered to have been very popular right?

Doorless Darts has 388 dowloads and 12 sales as of today, according to my report.

They said it's a top title, which in itself may have been untrue, or maybe it was download and sales report that was untrue.

Doorless Darts achieved 101 on the ORank as of its peak.

With 101 on the ORank, that is a high rank, and I'm not sure it is properly represented with only 12 sales.

Blaine Bananatree reached as high as 82 on the ORank. How many sales? 4.

Either it is extremely easy to get high on the O Rank (and thus the OUYA has lost much popularity), or something just isn't being reported properly.

I am concerned because my personal bank account does not have a SWIFT number, and therefore cannot receive wire transfers ---- which means any money I earn from OUYA is actually put in my Dad's bank account.

I have had hints come along in the past week that suggest my Dad has become very wealthy.

When asked directly about this, however, he denies it.

Maybe his great wealth is just his new hope of getting Old Age Security.

But that doesn't really properly explain a letter I found in a place of importance with his things.

I will not go into the detail of this letter, but this letter, which he keeps in a place of importance -- inidicates to me that he very well may have attained some wealth.

maybe there's a very mundane explanation for this letter, but I can't think of it, as he really has no good reason to have or keep this letter unless he's sitting on a pile.

Basically, I have seen numerous signs in the past week that my Dad is now rich, but when asked directly, he doesn't admit it.

Another lie detected.

Basically, you might have to be me and know my dad as well as I do to see the change in his habits or behaviour and understand something has happened --- I see this and I realize it. It's not normal for him.

Basically, I would've referred to my dad as a "cheapskate" for many years. But now he's all excited about finally being able to and wanting to buy PREMIUM FUEL from Gas Pumps.

He went from being a total cheapskate to being someone who buys premium fuel, goes out on a trip to mcdonald's, buys novelty laundry detergent through the mail --- i mean, my Dad has just COMPLETELY changed - and it's very evidently related to his economic ability to buy things.

He's gone from "Cheapskate" to "buying more and more expensive stuff" whilst having a certain letter on his important place that implies that he's very wealthy.

Maybe his "wealthi" has nothing to do with OUYA --- but Ockham's Razor (razer?) says the simplest explanation is the best:: and in my mind the simplest explanation for this is that there's some dishonesty and that maybe OUYA paid my Dad and my Dad is personifying Maverick's Dad from the Maverick movie (my Dad loves westerns).

Basically::: Easiest explanation for OUYA dilemma::: OUYA not reporting to me properly, I may have had far more sales than they told me about. (the other easy solution is that OUYA is very-not-popular, but I'm not so sure about that one)

Easiest Explanation for why my Dad is acting wealthier but lied about it::: He is wealthy and doesn't want to share his secret.

Easiest explanation for how this happened:::: OUYA paid my money to my Dad's bank account, as I had arranged to happen.

I am open to the possibility that these explanations are completely wrong, but they are the most logical and make the most sense in my mind.

OUYA has either reported to me that their Popularity and Usage is down the tubes, or that they will not honestly report sales properly (as is also the case with other publishers, as I've understood, I once had to wait 2 and half years to be paid by amazon believe it or not).

My Dad is acting very rich, even potentially more rich than Old Age Security should allow.

Maybe it's all just conicidence, maybe my Dad really was just being delusional that we were paying 8000 more on the Liberals in tax ------ but I'm not certain.

part of my problem is this:::


That's right!! Just having a belief, even a false belief, that I have finally acquired or attained my riches is causing me to feel very comfortable and satisfied with my life and my efforts.

If I'm just being given a delusion through a simple appearance of wealth, I am enjoying it, in my heart, I feel good.

A Mormon would say that this is the holy ghost telling me that it's true that I'm wealthy,

I don't know if it's really true, but believing it, even falsely, is doing wonders for my psyche.

I feel a lot better now having a belief of riches attained through hard work, over working hard and seeing that the world rejected me and couldn't even pay a buck.

So:::: To me, Occam's Razor says OUYA paid my Dad. This seems like the best explanation to me, though I also realize it may not be the truth.

My mind LOVES believing this has happened, becuase it does LITERALLY make me feel so much better and more complete.

But in all reality, even if all my Dad is getting is his old-age-pension now, it doesn't make sense that he'd be keeping this certain letter with his stuff. Doesn't make sense at all. The best explanation for this letter is that he's got way more money than just an old age pension. :)

Maybe this is something I shouldn't discuss, but seeing as how I see in my mind that it might be my OUYA money, it might be relevant to discuss.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I just watched a video about Dawkins' "The God Delusion"

For a while, YOUTUBE was showing me a lot of stuff about Mormons and Christians and I decided the Christians were right.

Now YOUTUBE is pitting Christians versus Atheists.

I just watched Dawkins present a video about The God Delusion.

I think he had some very interesting things to say, that some of the things he said were even true, or at least truthy.

But, despite his good-natured way of trying to better humanity, his method of denying God altogether doesn't fit with what I understand from experience about my life.

To Dawkins, SCIENCE never proved or disproved God.

To me, SCIENCE proved God.

Ok, to explain, I will say that either "God is God" or "God is some kind of force that acted in my life that truly and really existed that is completely inexplicable through any 'reasonable' or normal method", or in other words, "There's something more".


It's interesting that the Documentary started with the Lourdes water thing, because I once ordered water from Lourdes to come in the mail. If there can be any spiritual or religious explanation for what I think I experienced in my life, it's either this, or a GOD who pours down his miracles upon all mankind equally.

You see, even if Lourdes water is not the real explanation for what happened in my life, I have to say that something really did happen which I know for fact and will never deny.

For a long time I was very suicidal.  Life was too much for me.

I prayed privately to GOD, by myself with no one else knowing, to kill me in my sleep. The wages of sin are death, so I asked God to kill me for my sins.

I woke up the next morning. I was not dead.

I found a book sitting on my bedside desk. "Never Dream of Dying" - a James Bond adventure.


The book actually was at one point in time a Library book actually, but how it ended up beside my bed on the table is a complete mystery.

I have had a number of experiences with God or even Angels that one might chalk up to Delusion or Hallucination,

But this experience with a book with a message miraculously appearing on my bedside table with no explanation is FIRM CONCRETE PROOF of "something more" AKA "God?".

Of course, it might just be firm concrete proof for myself or my family, I can imagine there are people who wouldn't trust this story, but I KNOW it was real - and I KNOW it is a true story.

Basically, I think Dawkins is or was trying to do some good.

But he missed the mark when he doesn't believe in God.

What is the ABSOLUTE BEST explanation for a book being on my bedside desk overnight that no one actually put there?

Maybe we could say I was sleep walking, found the book, and put it there myself. But I didn't even know we owned the book --- it is a library book after all, right?

Did I rob the Library in my sleep? OK, I really have no idea where it came from OK?

I mean, if it was my nocturnal mind sleepwalking that found the book, that means there's something very mysterious about the human mind while we sleep.

But, to be truthful, I have other experiences where I receive truthful messages beamed into my brain through telepathy, where I meet heavenly messengers - that sort of thing.

So::: I understand that it may be considered that I am completely barking mad. Totally understood that's some peoples' viewpoint.

To me, I am either crazy, or I am real. And some experience I've had makes me KNOW I'm real - scientifically.

Telepathy::: Proven. Repeatable. Demonstrable. Not perfect, sometimes dishonest, even often dishonest, fails sometimes, but generally repeatable over and over again in many demonstrations.

That sounds like a big claim, and it is, I guess --- but it's just what reality has become for me. Why would I ever believe in and claim to be telepathic? Why? Because I originally saw it existing in the natural world. Not many memories here, but I do have a memory of knowing things like "what the next flash card will be" when studying math and stuff like that.

I'm not totally awesome or expert at it, all I know is that it does exist. It is possible. And I do it over and over again, though not perfectly.  A real scientific discovery that was already discovered decades earlier by other men, believe it or not.

Does telepathy explain God? Maybe. I don't know the whole truth about everything I've experienced, but to me GOD is a very good explanation, especially as He's the guy I pray to a lot of the time. :)

So, the men of my family aren't very religious anymore, we've given up on Organized Religion --- but we know firmly as a fact that there is a "GOD" or "something more". Even something that does wild and wondrous things that we can't explain through anything more normal than by calling it "God". :)

So, it was a good video, it makes you think, but I come out on God's side anyway, though I recognize the complete garbage that religion may be.

A very sad fact

You know how much I've believed in Jesus all this time right?

Well, I was looking at the religious proportions of some western countries, like Canada, USA and UK.

It's countries like these where my books and video games would be sold or distributed the most.

Also, in these countries, the vast majority of each population is Christian of one form or another.

I mean, I really like Jesus Christ, I really do, I think he taught some awesome things ------

But the chances are, from my laman understand of statistics, is that my games and books are mostly downloaded by Christians --- and a very small minority of users pay even a dollar.

Basically ------ all kinds of christians running the economy, consuming media - I mean, if 70-80% of people in a given western country are Christians, that means 70-80% of people who download my products are likely Christians. And seem unable to pay a dollar.

Of the 300+ americans who followed me on twitter for a chance to win a free copy of The Eagle's Sore? High chance many or all of them were or are Christians.

I just think about this a bit. Most of the population is Christian. Most of the population doesn't give a crap about paying me for my work, not even in the least.

Jesus said "Love one another" and "Love your neighbour as yourself" ---- but I think it's safe to assume that the Christian community doesn't give a damn about making me feel loved.

I mean, one reviewer for my book said my book wasn't Christian.

OK --- so I pray to God in my book, I have experiences with Jesus in my book as I question mormonism (the religion I grew up with), and really, I ended figuring out that the Bible alone is way better than any mormon scripture.

So --- though I have a serious personal relationship with God and Jesus in my life and in my book, one reviewer decided to declare that my book is not Christian.


The massive majority of the population is Christian. The massive majority of the population can't make me feel loved by paying me the buck I ask for, and even just mass en masse to take freebies from me that I pay for out of my own pocket but can't be bothered to actually buy the product.


I really really do like Jesus. I think Jesus is awesome.

But I'm getting turned off of Christians. If these Christians were loving people, maybe they could consider sparing me a buck rather than just taking freebies and stealing from me?

I really really like(d) Jesus. But if the massive part of the population is Christian, and the massive part of the population can't spare a buck for someone who works hard ----

then who gives a flying F*** about the Christian Church?

Sorry for my manner of speech here, it's just that so many smart people seem to use profanity these days, and I'm just fitting in, it seems. Hah. :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


Woohoo! Liberal Victory! YES - AWESOME.

So, what explains my behaviour?

I talked to my psychiatrist today - explaining to her my thoughts about how and why I believed that my family was monetarily loaded - mostly based on a statement my Dad made that our family will lose thousands of dollars to taxes with the Liberals.

I thought my money from OUYA had come --- I thought I finally got paid for my work.

My psychiatrist told me to ask my Dad for more details.

So, today, I did.

I was with my Dad at the zoo with the kids -- I asked my Dad if the money from OUYA came - no - no money from OUYA.  I asked my Dad, essentially, if we were loaded --- no we are not loaded.


I then asked my Dad why he thought he'd save so many thousands of dollars with a Conservative government compared to the liberals ----

My dad showed me a picture he took of a conservative attack ad against liberals in a newspaper.

Understand, that I've known since I was young that this news paper is for less educated people, and it's funny because it's the newspaper my Dad would read because he got so offended at an opinion in a higher-intellect newspaper one time.

Anyway --- my Dad based his statement that our family will lose numerous thousands of dollars in the Liberal plan on this ad in the newspaper for the under-educated.

The issue was income splitting. I already researched this issue last night. What the ad said was not really based on reality for over 90% of the canadian population.

Basically, my dad actually thought we'd save so many thousands of dollars under the conservative plan.

The problem is, you have to be very rich to save those many thousands of dollars --- if you are poor, like we are, the savings are way lower.

Most canadians would never save that much even with the conservatives. The newspaper just printed a big number that is not really based in reality for most people, and my dad took it personally.

Anyway ----- Yes ---- my dad is impaired. I would call it crazy, or impaired, or, AS I'VE SAID EVER SINCE I WAS 17 HE'S NOT VERY SMART.

I mean, I've been told that I'm the schizophrenic one and that my Dad is right ever since I was 17 years old ---- but yet again, this experience just reaffirms that I was misdiagnosed --- I was always perfectly truthful and correct that my Dad's unintelligent.

The doctors originally told me that my Dad's a very smart man and that i should not be rebelling. Guess what? AT 17 I HAD A BRAIN. RIGHT NOW I HAVE A BRAIN. I KNOW HE READS THE STUPID-PAPERS. I REALIZE STUPIDITY WHEN I SEE IT - I WAS, IN FACT, THE SMARTEST KID IN SCHOOL REMEMBER?

Anyway, I've spent years being told I'm schizophrenic because the doctors want to tell me that my Dad is actually a very intelligent person ---- I really don't believe that. Not for a second at this rate.

Anyway ----- the stupid-newspaper made a blanket statement that applies to very few, if any, canadians and my dad sucked it up and thought it was completely truthful in his own life.

Oh crap.

One thing I learned from my day at the zoo with the kids today is that mental illness really does run in my family.

My father had it. My sister had it. My sisters' kids have it.

I mean, my sisters' kids haven't been formally diagnosed, but I can see some of the problems already, and today I figured out that one of my nephews is actually mischievous and doesn't understand the value of proper decency.

I am going crazy living in this family. I deserve my AiSH. I could have had a much happier time if I had married Avril Lavigne --- BUT NOOOOO - KRISTIAN IS NEVER ALLOWED TO ESCAPE FROM ALL THIS CRAP.

My family is actually something like the Simpsons. As I understood it, we, as kids, weren't allowed to watch the simpsons because of the comparisons that could be drawn.

My dad is kind of like homer. My sister is kind of like bart. I'm kind of like Lisa.

Anyway, just craziness ----

and when such IMPAIRED statements are coming from conservatives, I AM GLAD THE LIBERALS WON!!!

WOOHOO! Yay Trudeau.

So no, I'm not loaded, we are not super-rich ----- most people still seem to be unable to pay an effing dollar.

All the crap. Over and over again. it never ends. I guess I was reincarnated to a level of hell, now that I look at my life in this world. Ugh.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Driving Lessons

I never learned to drive, because, mostly, I figured I and my family were too poor.

Yesterday my Dad told me our family will pay $8000 more in taxes because of the Liberal election --- my dad just told me our family is a very wealthy one actually.

I looked up the law and did the math::: there's no way my family saved $8000 on income splitting alone, first off, it's impossible to save that much on income splitting, second off, even if we did save that much on income splitting, my mom would have to be making seriously huge amounts of money at her job to save that much that way.

I mean, if my mom made that much money, that we saved $8000 through income splitting (which is impossible because IS never went that high) then we are so loaded that I have no idea why I never learned to drive.

My dad learned to drive in high school. Easy course, easy way to access the course. I never had that.

So::: Is my mom giving 8000 to LDS tithing or something and can't afford to teach me a skill that would go far in my life? Is my mom so busy with all her money that she just couldn't afford driving lessons?

I mean, if the money saved is a combination of income splitting and the new tax hike, then my family would still have to be earning over $200,000 a year. Maybe it's $400,000. At very least my mom would be making $130,000 (which I think is extremely not-likely).

If we made that kind of money - why have I never learned to drive?

I know I had a dream where my parents bought me an expensive new car ------ but if it's such a disaster that we're spending 8000 more on taxes, since when was I ever going to learn to drive?????

8000 would afford driving lessons easy I think. I mean, I'm getting confused at how we'd lose 8000 to taxes and still my parents never put me through a driving school.

I am so confused. If we were saving 8000 with the conservatives ---- WHY AM I UNABLE TO DRIVE??? WHY IS MY BROTHER UNABLE TO DRIVE???? We should be sitting on more money than we'd know what to do with if we are now being taxed 8000 more.

I'm confused.

If my Dad was just blowing hot air when he announced the family tax increase --- that's really kind of impaired actually. The tax problem wouldn't be $8000 in the hole if we were just a normal middle-class family.

Did I hear my father right that it's $8000?????? I'm pretty sure I did.

8000 is too much for it to be income splitting. If it was income splitting (or even if it's not), then we are so loaded I can't understand why I'd never learn to drive.

I'm so confused.

Anyway, though I can't quite know exactly how much he means, my dad told me yesterday that my family is pretty loaded when he said we pay 8000 more. And I've still never learned to drive. Sheesh.

It's possible my Dad is just crazy, and therefore I really-really deserve disability, but that dream from the other night of the great material wealth from economic prosperity can't be ignored --- my family hasn't told me everything.

In fact, it's only too likely that I'm actually not allowed to touch the money I made from sales of my products --- with my "mental illness", they don't trust me with those kinds of funds, I'm thinking.

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Election 2015

Well, a lot of the results have been counted, and we're looking at a Liberal Majority government.

If I have to listen to my dad constantly whining and complaining about the prime minister for the next 5 years, I might have to leave home. I just can't stand hearing all the negative attitude from that man. I've had enough of it (having grown up with it all the time, so freakin' negative).

Anyway, the good thing so far is that since the CBC announced a Liberal Majority, my dad has been very quiet, except for one crack about the NEP. (NEP is right New Economic Policy under the first Trudeau). I'm just saying that my dad's silence is more welcome than constant whining and complaining. I hope he understands how valuable it is to keep a positive attitude.

So::: One thing my dad complained about earlier this evening is how taxes will go up::: REALLY?????

I thought Trudeau was going for a strong middle class - which we were a part of, he was planning on raising taxes for the very wealthy ---- and my dad is concerned about raised taxes?

1) I don't mind helping social programs or giving money when I have it.

2) If we are so rich that taxes are actually going up for us ---- ?????

The only thing I can think of that might verify that our family would face increased taxes was my dream last night.

I mean, I never would have expected that my family would face increased taxes on a plan to lower taxes for the middle class. I'm confused.

Anyway, last night, the night before election day, I dreamt that we were having all kinds of cool stuff arriving in the mail, and that my parents bought me a Volvo.

yes --- last night I dreamt that our family was apparently extremely wealthy - which is unheard of considering my childhood.

I mean, sometimes my dreams predict the future. Figuratively, usually, but sometimes literally.

Last night I dreamt about what I would consider to be extreme economic prosperity. (having my parents buy me a Volvo IS extreme prosperity for me).

So --- hmmm.

Yeah. I heard Trudeau wanted to make the middle class richer --- that's what I understood --- but apparently, according to my father, he's actually raising taxes on us.

Maybe nobody tells me about the family finances. I'm always under the impression that we're very poor.

Like, when my grandmother died, I had no idea what happened to most of what she left behind - no one told me. Always under the impression that we have very little.

I mean, being too poor is a big reason that I never learned to drive - and now I'm hearing that our family is paying more taxes with the new government??? I thought we were middle class. I'm not sure.

Has someone neglected to tell me something???

Anyway --- good news --- today I actually sold an ebook. Absolutely amazing eh? that's $0.35USD for me. Whoo.

But, yeah, gotta keep a positive attitude ---- my dad is all depressed about paying taxes, while I'm even intrigued by the idea that we would have that kind of money, and why I had a dream that might have been future-indicative about essentially huge gains in material wealth. No idea. :)


I just sat down with my iPad to look at the Liberal tax platform: my dad complained this tax platform will actually increase our family's taxes.

First off::: my dad is a little crazy, so his facts might be completely wrong.

Second off::: If what he says is the truth, then his estimate that we'll pay $8000 more a year in tax tells me that my family actually earns $400,000 a year annually.

At that kind of income, we can easily afford a new Volvo.

So, I had a dream about extreme financial prosperity, and my dad essentially just told me today that we make 400 grand a year.

Maybe my dad's crazy. Maybe he miscalculated or just likes berating Liberals about things.

To be honest, if I were middle class, which I always thought I was for the past 5 years, I actually really like some of the things the Liberals said. I would like that.

But my dad, the ultra-conservative, thinks we are paying $8000 more a year in taxes, which means we make a bundle as a family.

So - um, where did our 400 grand come from exactly? I mean, I only make around 19 grand on aish, and my mom can't be making that kind of money from her job unless the provincial NDP went on a super-super-spending-spree.

I mean, personally, if I made 400 grand a year, I wouldn't mind 8000 more tax dollars.

Um. So, where's the money come from? Do I actually make a tonne that's given to my parents that's never reported to me?

I mean, really, looking at OUYA and the books and all, you'd think I'd be making a mint, but I don't get to see or touch it, I don't see the numbers nor do I handle the money I might've earned,

and my dad essentially just told me today that my family makes 400 grand a year.

Maybe I do deserve 400 grand with the work I've done, so either someone's not telling me the truth, or my dad is freakin' crazy to think we are now upper-class when I've always thougth we were middle class (and being middle class is actually lower taxes according to Trudeau).

Well, to be honest, I'm OK with Trudeau's tax plan, even if I pay 8000 more a year --- with that kind of income, 8000 is nothing to be too worried about. :) In my opinion at least, meaning I'm the kind of guy who gives Avril Lavigne a bunch of money for her charity just because it's her birthday. And even when it's not her birthday. Hah. :) :)

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Watched More Atheist Videos

One thing I can really appreciate about Atheists is they provide another viewpoint about problems with Religion, and it's nice to think about these things.

Like, some of these videos clearly show the Old Testament (which is Jewish Scripture) to be seriously flawed. I mean, I'm just going to trust that the various problems these videos point out are scripturally based, as they provided the references for each occurrence in the story, but I see how messed up the Old Testament was.

I watched one video where they critiqued or criticized christianity for believing it is "moral" to put an innocent man to death so the guilty party won't be punished. That did challenge my faith a bit, but I thought about the problem for a while and realized that Christianity still makes sense to me.

First out, you shall have justice meted out to you as you have meted it out to others.

That in itself might explain why Jesus died on the Cross.

If Jesus is GOD, and Jesus prescribed all sorts of reasons you can condemn a man to death in his Law, then doesn't it make sense that if someone was falsely accused and punished that Jesus/GOD now has to have the same justice meted out to him as he was the guy who prescribed a punishment that killed an innocent?

I mean, let's face it, judiciaries aren't always perfect, and it's only likely that the Jews had previously condemned an innocent to death before Jesus came. Jesus technically had to be punished for that, to be innocent and be falsely condemned.

Basically, that thought of that kind of justice then brought me to think about how philosophically sound and even brilliant Christianity is when it comes to how to live your life and how you treat other people and deal with crime and punishment.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Anything you do to anyone can easily be returned upon you through what one might call "Karma" - however it may work.

The Jews taught "an eye for an eye" --- and that is an example of this thought, except Jesus went a step further to teach forgiveness and mercy, so when you aren't condemning others,  you won't be condemned yourself.

Basically, I think a main message of Christianity is "be good to one another" or even "be excellent to one another" - as Bill and Ted would put it.

I grew up in a family where there were problems with certain people's thinking and behaviour, and having a religion to teach more proper behaviour seems like a necessity or life-saver to those of us who live with family members who don't understand good behaviour.

The reason I joined the Mormon church was basically just for a hope that my sister would start behaving herself.  Unfortunately, the Mormon church is not philosophically sound or scientifically sound - I had one option for "home improvement" when I was 8, but it wasn't a very good option I must admit now that I look back on it -

But when people are good to each other, goodness gets passed around.

If you don't condemn others, then you are less likely to be condemned yourself.

Are there any crimes that SHOULD be condemned? I do believe there are ---- but I, nor are most people, the judge of or capable of being the judge of that. I go on Faith that GOD will judge between me and thee ---- this seems to have worked so far in my life.

Anyway ------ I was just thinking about how these Atheist videos haven't shaken my faith in Jesus or love of Jesus' doctrine ----- Jesus had some really, really good ideas.

I understand that man might corrupt "God", or that the scriptures might have some problems ---- but there are some core fundamental things that Jesus taught that I really, really appreciate.

Basically, be good/excellent to everyone, and don't condemn people. What goes around comes around.

It's that simple.

One way to think of Jesus dying on the cross is just to remember that they executed an innocent man --- In fact, here in Canada we abolished the death sentence for most crimes BECAUSE an innocent man got executed one time ---- Basically, when Jesus Christ, an Innocent Man was put to death on false charges, you have to realize there's a value in not condemning others because you don't want to condemn the innocent, and you want to walk a mile in the shoes of the guilty, and besides, if you don't condemn anyone then you'll never be condemned, technically (though, maybe not practically).

To me, Christianity just makes sense.

So::: question::: Is it necessary to forgive mass murderers? No, not in the least. Is it necessary to forgive any murder? No.

Jesus clearly taught that murder is unforgivable. A murderer has condemned another person, and therefore the murderer will be condemned - there is no escaping that. It only makes sense.

You can be merciful to murderers, it does make sense to bestow mercy so you will receive mercy - that makes sense.

You may forgive a murderer, you don't have to, but you may, but a murderer is always condemned before God, now that I think about it.

Basically, if you know someone you is always mistreating you ---- God, perhaps through Karma, will judge that person and punish them accordingly. If you forgive that person for wronging you however, then you will escape condemnation for yourself ---- as I've understood God and religion.

Anyway, enough of my bantering on about how beautiful Christianity is when it comes to Karma.

I would just like to note that I was also thinking about how Mormonism teaches about and deals with these issues and I will reaffirm that I don't believe in Mormonism anymore --- the Mormon teachings just don't work as I have come to understand them.

Anyway --- I just had a big urge to confess Christ before everyone on the Internet. Saying stuff about Christian Justice. And though I appreciate Atheists in some ways, they still haven't managed to talk me out of believing in Jesus, or following His philosophy. :)

Friday, October 16, 2015

How I'd Vote

OK - so this is where I stand on the voting issues:

I like the NDP because having grown up very poor, I realize that the very poorest people need help, and socialism would do that. That's the most basic way to put it. A more specific statement would say that affordable housing is important, or with their last election platform, limiting rates on credit cards.

I like the Conservatives because not taxing the rich too much might be a good idea. I'm basically a socialist with a conservative father who reminds me that if you tax the rich too much, things go to crap. i also agree with the conservatives that there should be restrictions placed on religions --- I'm not just talking about muslims, I remember writing to my old Conservative MP and saying mormonism should be illegal. Maybe we can pas a few laws against other cults too. Just saying --- I really don't think complete freedom of religion is in the public's best interest anymore.

The Liberals? I tried to keep an open mind to the Liberals this election, but I have to say, from what I've understood, their platform is the least interesting to me. I mean, I will have a positive attitude about them or try to have a positive attitude if they win, I don't want to be like my dad who has always been a grouch about the Liberals,

But, to be honest, the Liberal platform actually doesn't appeal to me all that much. It just doesn't.

WIth mental health issues, legalizing marijuana, which might have some positive benefit, is not necessarily a totally good thing. I grew up in the lower class, and though I'm more middle class now, a stronger middle class just isn't that appealing knowing how things go. Scrapping the fighter jets and running deficits anyway? Not for me.

Basically, I mostly like the NDP -- I kind of like the conservatives, and I'll try to keep a positive attitude around the Liberals despite how I agree with the Liberals the least.

It's up to you for you to choose how you vote. And whatever will be will be, I'll try to keep a positive attitude about anyone who attains the power.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

It's been over a week since...

It's been over a week since Avril Lavigne sent a Prizeo email out saying she's reached halfway to her goal in her birthday campaign, asking her fans like me to donate more money so she can get all the way to the goal.

Her campaign has slowed down considerably, though it had a good start, just to note.

Anyway, after I got her halfway email, I of course, being in love with her and revering her as a hero, I went to donate another $100USD to her cause.

Want to know what's weird though?

Well, when you donate, you can send her a short message with your donation. My message said:

"It's amazing how people will throw money at you, and people will give to kickstarter projects that won't likely take off --- but I have such a hard time selling my hard work for even 99 cents!!"

I made this statement out of my frustration that people find it so easy to give Avril tonnes of cash, pay tonnes of money to kickstarters that don't start, but somehow, somehow I can't even make a buck on a finished project that should be easily afforded.

Anyway, it's been over a week since I declared that donation, and though I've got money available from my funding source to give the donation ---- somehow the money was never withdrawn.

It's been over a week since I filled out the forms to send donation, and nothing has been withdrawn from me.  How considerate of her. :) hah.

But yeah ---- I spent over a year working on The Eagle's Sore, and as far as I know most people saw fit just to steal that book from me. No one can spend the smallest price on my work.

There are potential reasons I'm not seeing money flow in, but if it's because everyone would rather steal than pay a buck, though I am forgiving I am also completely disappointed in humanity if this is the case.

It's possible the government or whoever decided I shouldn't be getting paid for my work, that my earnings get diverted --- I think that's entirely possible.

What's sad is this::: there has been so much crap I've experienced in my life that I could not have avoided, and if I'm not getting paid for those reasons that's really too bad and maybe even unfair because IT WASN'T MY FAULT I HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT.

Basically, if my life is so bad that I can't even be paid for the story of my life, that's sad because I couldn't control those circumstances.

But anyway, yeah, my life is so bad that I can only get one star reviews for a story about my life, so you know I've been through a lot of crap.

For example::: It's not my fault my mom forced me to attend a school (that I didn't really HAVE to attend except for my mom forcing me) where the kids decided to hypnotize me to do things that are completely wrong. Not my fault I was going to that school.

When I talk to people about the way the kids treated me at that school --- it is quickly understood that I went through a bunch of bullying. And no, it's not my fault my mom forced me to go to that school.

I was a gifted student, but my mom sent me to a school for the insane or criminally insane it seemed like, and that wasn't my fault. Do I sound like I'm insane or criminally insane when I score high in exams and was even the valedictorian in elementary school? I WAS A GOOD KID. My mom FORCED ME to go to school full of insane children. And that was a very bad start to my life. and it's not my fault.

And now I just get one star reviews for how bad my life's story is.

Actually, it's also not my fault that my mom made my family join and get brainwashed by the LDS Mormon church...


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Mental Illness: Nature or Nurture?

The title of this blog post is slightly deceptive because it's only a beginning to what I want to discuss, not the actual total subject of what I want to discuss.

So, is Mental Illness Nature or Nurture? I'm going to say it's easily both, especially at the same time.


Well, my family just seems to have those genetics for mental illness ---- everything going completely crazy through the house, usually because someone's not thinking properly.

But even if  you have a guy like me, who is mostly capable of thinking well, being around a crazy family all the time is enough to drive even the good thinkers to madness --- especially with the genetic pre-disposition.

I deserve my AiSH, I guess. I just happen to live in that family that has serious mental issues. I may have been the smartest in school, but I lost that completely because of the absolute crap in the environment I've had to live in.

I'm saying this because of something I just discussed with my mom and dad:

I told my parents about the news that even if the Conservatives got a Minority government with the most seats, that the other parties are already planning on not allowing Harper to become Prime Minister. This is actually an option as I have understood.

Well, when I told my dad about the "other option" for a non-confidence vote where the Governor General can declare the leader of the opposition to be the new Prime Minister, my dad said "Governor General needs to go...." and something else that was so inappropriate that I won't even post it here.

He complained that the other parties have no sense and if they take control then Canada isn't Canada anymore, that it's not his country, and from his behaviour I could tell it would be another 5 years of whining and complaining from my father about how much he hates the government ---- I mean, when Jean Chretien was Prime Minister I was partially driven insane just by hearing about how bad a man my dad thinks the Prime Minister was.

Anyway, my dad said that the leftist parties were socialist (he considers Trudeau and his father to actually be communists, as I've understood) and that if the socialists were to control the country then that's the end of democracy in Canada.


I had to tell my Dad that socialism is technically a democratic movement and my Mom told him there's no point in being so upset - that whatever will be will be.

Anyway, it's interesting how my dad could consider the voice of the people to be undemocratric just because of the chosen ideology being different from his, which means he's actually interested in his party being in control regardless of the vote and seeing as how he's right wing that technically makes him a fascist.

Wait a second ---- I thought my dad hated Fascists.

He wants conservatives to control the government because if the people elected leftists that would be "undemocratic". I'm really confused.

Anyway, growing up I was told that I had to love and obey and honour my father, which I did, up until I was 17 when I realized my dad was actually completely insane and also completely wrong in a number of the things he said.

Basically, once I tell my Dad about some things that happen in that crazy church, he notices that its hypocrisy, but when I look at my dad's statements choices and behaviours I also realize that he too is a hypocrite.

In fact, my Dad just doesn't have a reasonable understanding of some definitions, doctrines, or issues.

Let's just say, my Dad was the kind of guy who would fail english class twice, only to eventually pass it with a 60% grade.

I, though I hated english class, was A LOT smarter than that.

It's tough, being placed under the supervision and authority of a person who is actually dumber than yourself.

I mean, I was a high 70s to 80s percent kind of guy in English class, and I never failed.  My dad just barely squeaked through those classes.

Like, in my discussions of religion with him ---- some concepts he understands, but other concepts are completely beyond his comprehension. In fact, I have no clue exactly what he thinks or what he thought he believed anymore. It wasn't totally based on actual Mormonism, but it wasn't totally based on actual Christianity either. No clue.

Basically, I'm mentally ill, I've had to grow up with a father who can't appear to work for a living but totally supports capitalism. Like that made sense somehow.

Yes --- I think I deserve my AiSH, I've got a crazy family, and even if I were the smartest I could be (which I was) --- a completely crappy and nonsensical environment drove me to madness.

Understand why I get my disability. OK? :)

Monday, October 12, 2015

Changed my mind again - vote conservative

Wow, I'm feeling foolish - I changed my mind several times before I voted, and it is too bad I already voted because I've changed my mind back to the conservatives. Again. Voter remorse.

So yeah I've been confused this election and up until today I haven't prayed for any one party to win - but now I'm rooting for the conservatives again.

Too bad I flip flopped.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

The Craziest Psychiatry Descision

Know what's crazy?

Back in November 2004 to January 2005, I was locked up in a psychiatric hospital. Why?

Because I physically rebelled from a church that was controlling my life with crazy ideas.

I mean, when I originally went in to see the psychiatrist back in 2002, that doctor pretty much told me the church was wrong. I was a believer in the church, but I myself also eventually discovered that the church was wrong.

So I rebelled against the lying crazy and delusional church that was very much really trying to control my life with their crazy ideas.

And I got locked up.

I went through a judiciary process in the psychiatric hospital.

Basically, these doctors who are so concerned with mental health, ending craziness and stopping delusion, decided that I wasn't allowed to rebel against a church that was trying to control my life with crazy ideas.


I mean, first off:::: in this country, we are supposed to have a right to liberty.

Second off:::: Psychiatric doctors are supposed to save us from craziness.

But the ruling of the court was that I was WRONG for rebelling against a church that controlled my life with crazy ideas.

I mean, recently I heard there was a story in my province where a young man shot his father to death, and this boy spent a few years in jail, and though we all know he really did shoot his father, he was declared NOT GUILTY --- why? Because his father was an abusive man, and the boy snapped, it was self defence.

Well, here I am trying to defend myself from a crazy church that controls with insanity, yet I am wrong.

Most people who once were part of this church, as I've understood, eventually figure out the church is just complete garbage, the vast majority of people in this church stop believing in it,

but I have to put up with this church trying to control my life with their garbage, and the psychiatric doctors and psychiatric court don't think I'm allowed to defend myself against that.

Yeah, it's just kind of strange.

It is true that I was told I almost won my court case, and it is true the government decided to give me a bunch of money to deal with my poverty,

but were all those drugs really necessary? I mean, all you had to do was EXPLAIN to me that the church was crap, I would have understood, and we could have avoided drugs altogether.

Anyway, apparently believing in Mentalism, something which had already been scientifically proven for decades, makes you worthy of intense drugging, and the drugs make you fat etc.

Basically, the doctors wouldn't let me believe in something which was already proven, and wouldn't let me rebel against a church of crazy mind control.

No f***ing clue. At all.

I mean, they eventually gave me a new doctor who doesn't reject telepathy or mentalism and even knows herself that it's proven, the nurse doesn't argue or disagree with ideas that the church is garbage,

And though they eventually gave me new staff who accept my viewpoint and don't treat it like it's crazy, I'm probably addicted to the drugs by now, and I just have to go on weighing 400 pounds and being unable to comfortably sit in airline seats or some movie theatres.


Just felt like writing about that.

More Strange Lighting Effects

It's 5:52PM right now. The sun is still up. It's not close to black or pitch dark here.

Well, I was praying to God - I went between talking about all kinds of challenges I faced in my life that drove me to insanity, and how now that I'm insane everything I've tried to make an extra buck doesn't work.

I talked to him about how in some ways my life is very good and comfortable, but then said I only have these extremely good things in my life because of how extremely crap my life typically had been for so long.

Anyway ---- I cried to God about being disabled - how I was the top of the class in school, so you'd think I'd be doing something with my life, except I became disabled instead. And being disabled is very boring, and I try to figure out ways of making money, but it really doesn't work out very well.

Anyway, I was driven to tears in my prayers to God ---- facing so many "no win possible" situations in my life, going crazy from it, and now just Stagnating on disability, nearly incapable of making extra money - and in fact diminishing my wealth through gambling.

So, I was sad.

But, instead of constantly annoying and bugging God about these problems, I decided to lay down on my bed, and listen to my iPad play Country Music Radio from Apple Music.

I find that when I listen to music like that my brain is able to rest, and I can't be in deep thought or prayer. I just rested my brain and listened to the music.

But then I noticed something interesting and strange:::

The other side of my bedroom was having some very strange lighting effects going on - like, it would get very bright, then very dark, then very bright and very dark again, doing this repeatedly in other part of my room. I was watching it --- just bright and dark, creating a light show in my bedroom. As I was listening to Rockin' Country music.

Anyway, I loudly wondered if I was looking at an angel, or if it was just the tree outside my window blowing in the wind and the subsequent light and shadow from the sun.

But then I noticed that there seemed to be a central location in my room the light was coming from - as if the sun's unshadowed rays were somehow just stronger at that location.

Anyway, I then I realized "Hey! I could pick up my iPad and make a video recording of this light show!"

Guess what? After I had those thoughts, the light show stopped. I'm not kidding you. I've been sitting here for the past few minutes booting my computer and writing this, and there's been no light show.

It's as if the Angel that hangs out with me was having a party (like, dancing) with my listening to the rockin' country music I was playing.

I remember seeing a light show like that before --- in the doorway of my bedroom --- but that was a day when I saw someone who looked like Jesus was hanging around near my house.

I don't know if that long ago experience really was Jesus, but I did see a resemblance, and then the subsequent light show in my room shortly afteward.

Well, today I was praying a prayer about how upsetting my life has been, then I listened to Music, and I got another light show.

So, maybe it was just the tree blowing in the wind and the light and shadow from the sun, but I couldn't help but wonder if an Angel was dancing or something and producing a lighting effect from the music or something.

Crazy isn't it? Well - I'm disabled - live with it. :) Hah.

As for the music I listen to - I listen to a lot of Jazz, Smooth Jazz, some Alternative and some Country now. And a bunch of Classical.

But I've only had Apple Music for a few months now, and still haven't tried listening to everything. So, I mostly listen to Jazz, I guess i should admit.

The October 2015 Canadian Federal Election

So, It's election time again, this time for the Federal government, and I know I haven't said much.

About the provincial election last time I said since we have an NDP government (which I supported), that maybe we should choose Liberals or Conservatives for the Feds.

I changed my mind probably at least several times during this campaign. I was very minimal in my prayers about choosing a new government. I changed my mind, and I didn't say much.

Did I keep my original plan of LIBs or CONs when I voted? Nope.

Yeah, it turned out that I just happened to really like the NDP again this time around. The one thing that finally got me to decide for the NDP was a flyer my local NDP Candidate left at our house that the NDP believes in affordable housing. Combined with a few other things I understood, and yeah, I decided I would vote for the socialists again.

On Facebook i could clearly see people raging against the Conservatives, even calling the Conservatives "fascists", while my Dad is the conservative raging against the LIBs and NDPs.

Basically, my dad's constant and consistent negative attitude towards other parties was a big factor in turning me off his party.

In fact, I realize that my dad hasn't had a job for most of the past 20 years, and as he's unemployed, I just wondered how bright he could really be voting for the capitalistic party.

To me, it just doesn't make sense that he's been unemployed for so long and he votes for capitalism. Combined with some other things he's said, and I think he's kind of crazy or wrong in the head somehow. I love him, and he's generally an OK to Good Dad, but some of the things he says just don't seem totally right to me.

Anyway - so, if anyone wants to vote like me, vote NDP. I know what I originally said about voting Liberal or Conservative, but I couldn't help but like the NDP platform the most again as I thought about the things I heard.

Interesting thing to note: my local NDP candidate's name is "Khalis Ahmed" - I thought that was funny considering that both my first an last name start with the same first and last letters: KS and AD ---- just kind of interesting.

So there. I guess I kind of did myself a disservice by starting off by saying we should have LIBs or CONs when in the end I changed my mind and decided on NDPs again. Hmmm. Well, I'm not the brightest guy I guess ---- spending almost $2000 on the lottery was probably a bad idea now that I look back on the decision. I could have bought an apple watch or new ipad with that money. Oh well.

Just an interesting note: Last Friday I matched 4/7 numbers on my expensive lottery ticket. But it still didn't earn my anything. :) I just had a dream of winning big, which I realize is still unlikely anyway, even with the big ticket I bought.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Watching Atheist Videos

I've watched a few animated videos which discuss the Atheist's viewpoint on God, God's morality, the bible and so on and so forth.

I have to admit, their arguments about how messed up religion and mankind's perception of God are seem to be pretty rock - solid - obviously, according to these atheist arguments, there really is something wrong with how mankind has understood God.

I have to note however: so far, in the videos I've watched, these videos largely discuss OLD TESTAMENT issues, and as such I look at the "God of the Old Testament" and realize just how much of a great breakthrough Jesus Christ was in religion and spirituality.

Of course, I'm sure it could be argued that even the Jesus movement went bad at some point -- and yes, I'm sure it hasn't totally worked out so well.

SO: what is an "atheist", how is that word defined?

Ever since I was young, I always understood that an atheist is someone who does not believe in God or such a higher power.

At this point in life, however, I am more inclined to believe that an Atheist is someone who doesn't like God or doesn't like Man's representation of God.

I don't know the whole or total truth about everything involving God and spirituality and religion,

but the atheist claim that God does not exist doesn't work for me. I do see their arguments for how absolute "crap" religion and man's depiction of God is, but in my own personal life experience, well, I've experienced so much that I KNOW God exists.

It seems like I'm a Mormon falling back on a testimony when the argument gets tough, but the difference here is that a Mormon bases their testimony on things they cannot actually know while I'm basing my testimony on things I know based on actual experience.

I've experienced so much that I KNOW God is real. Do I totally understand it or Him? No, not really.

Part of what I do understand, however, is that Mankind might do a horrible job of representing God to their children or church goers, so Mankind might end up teaching untruths about God at any point.

I totally understand how religion is flawed and how organized religion is a mess --- I don't claim to know the whole truth about everything or anything --- but I do KNOW that God is very real.

Another point I could bring up is that with these Atheist arguments about the Old Testament, well, with what they say about the Old Testament, then that might just mean that The Book of Mormon is just as valid as the Old Testament, it would seem. and the book of Mormon was disproved, mind you.

So:::: what is the actual truth about God? I don't know, we also have no way of knowing if God even totally misrepresents himself to mankind,

but I do know He is real and that he really does do stuff. I don't know how else to explain some of the phenomena I've noticed in my experience.

I'm basing my knowledge of God on things like "I prayed for that miracle and it happened just like I said it should" and "I'm such a good guesser - I must be a little bit telepathic", as well as "Oh, I saw a glowing man dressed all in white outside my house 5 years ago in the middle of the night". THAT kind of experience lets me know GOD is realistic. :)

I'm either totally crazy or totally miraculous, and I think evidence is showing more in favour of the Miraculousness of things, although I wouldn't deny that I'm also a little crazy for different reasons.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Forced to Fail and the Question of Sanity

So, I was talking to my brother this evening, I talked to him about how Tom Cuthbert (fake name) the psychiatric nurse told me that because I gave up in schooling and in life, because of my "give up" - that was a symptom of schizophrenia so therefore I am schizophrenic.

So, the way I gave up in life made me schizophrenic.

But then I talked to my brother about how everything I've ever tried that I could have been successful at seems to get "forced to fail".

Basically, it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't matter how much success I could have potentially had -- there's always something that comes along that forces me to fail.

So I asked my brother::: If everything I could have been successful at fails due to circumstances beyond my control, such as an invisible hand that will always make me fail, then when I give up does that make me schizophrenic?

My brother thought about that. "no, it doesn't", he said.

So there you have it:: I gave up in life, and my old psychiatric nurse told me that was a symptom of schizophrenia ---- but when you see how much I've been forced to fail in my life regardless of how successful I could have been, you then realize that me giving up isn't actually schizophrenia at all.

I'm just going to relate a story I have a fragment of a memory of, it's just a memory, and I think it's a real memory, but everyone else involved may have forgotten or might not admit to the truth of it - but I have this memory so I will relate it here:

Before I turned 17 years years old, in my late 16s, my youngest sister had her birthday. She had a birthday party, with a bunch of her friends over at our house.

I remember one of her friends, even Bishop Stevens' daughter (Bishop Stevens is a fake name for my bishop in The Book of Finch), said to her "Hey, do you want to make your brother go insane?"  "YES! Of course I do!" "So repeat after me" ---- and then these girls start making or chanting insane things like a magic spell designed to make me go crazy.

When I saw these girls doing these things to me, I could have reacted to try to make them stop - but I realized that if I had reacted at them they would have immediately won because my reaction in itself would have been insane and probably deemed "wrong".

Anyway, fact of the matter is:::: I have some memory, just months before I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, that my sister(s), even with her/their friends, were DELIBERATELY TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

I just have a memory of my Sisters and their friends deliberately stating and casting their spell to drive me insane. This is at a time when I'm already hurting badly inside from the loss of my friendship with Annie Liability (fake name).

There's always someone doing something wrong I guess.