Yesterday evening I was doing some thinking on my own, and I came to a "crisis of purpose" in my mind.
I was crying, alone in my bedroom, feeling suicidal again, because my life doesn't have purpose. It was especially hard because I realized that though I was once the smartest boy at school, that I didn't fully earn my High School Diploma by myself because my mental illness at that time turned my brain off and therefore I couldn't do good at school anymore::: it was the doctor who gave me the pass for the Diploma. Just knowing that though I once was the smartest kid, but that I didn't actuallyl fully earn my Diploma, I became very sad last night.
I had a crisis of purpose. I'd pray to God asking what the purpose of my life is. I started feeling suicidal again.
Last night, my "telepathic thought power" basically calmed down the sadness by telling me my purpose in life is to get married or something like that. I mean, I know I can't get married, but God seemed to make great indications that I should have a girlfriend or something.
Anyway, after being calmed down by God last night, I tried watching a Christian movie I bought yesterday from a store just to see what was going on in the movie --- it was very interesting to see that this movie asked us if we had a purpose in life and depicted a woman who had attempted suicide.
Very strange how I would have those feelings after buying a Christian movie the same day which I hadn't watched yet which began to discuss some of the issues I had alone in my bedroom, although I didn't get to finish the movie.
Anyway, I fell asleep last night.
In my dream, I dreamt I was a Commander in an Army, that my great intelligence and high educatioin gave me a position of power in some kind of military organization.
I was in a third world country, for some kind of purpose or mission.
And I went to sleep in my dream, and I woke up, and found myself confronted by an Angel who looked like and sounded like a famous actor who will remain nameless here ---- I was confronted by an angel in the night in a dream, and this angel told me that as the commander of these military forces that I should give the gift of education to the impoverished people around me by giving of the army's fuel for the transportation of students.
Yup. I knew he was some kind of apparition because I was able to take a stick and when I tried to hit him with it, in my dream, the stick went right through him and could not hurt him --- this angel who looked like an actor was incorporeal.
Anyway, after having this encounter with this angel in this dream, I then discovered that early in the dark of the morning there were monks and nuns going about door to door for some reason. I can't remember what the reason was anymore, but I exited my house and confronted these people.
I told them I had this encounter with this angel, and that I was a military commander ---- and then some people who were with the nuns got very angry and started to berate me about all the great evil I had done with my life --- anyway, I told them that the angel said I should use my power as a military commander to fuel transportation of the poor people to be able to go to school.
The nuns were happy to hear it.
I think I can see how this dream might be related to the feelings I was having last night --- it was telling me to do something good for people I think, but I am not a military commander nor do have command over fuel to transport many people.
The dream played to my psychology of having been very intelligent growing up, as if I didn't go crazy in Grade 12 and I had stayed smart I might've ended up in the army or something. Compare that with a dream I had in I think it was June or July of 2001 that predicted the deaths of my leaders where I was also an army man, before 9/11 even occurred, and now that we've reached the end of the "shmita" and all debts are supposed to be forgiven, in the dream I would have been able to afford to pay for the poor people at that point.
Well, it's interesting. Just thought I'd share that dream on this blog.