Monday, September 28, 2015

Telepathy and Obsession

The title of this blog post just vaguely references what I'm about to talk about.

Today I did a bunch of telepathy tests:::: most of them were completely wrong, except when I asked my mom to think of any english word, I said "Papoose", and she said "Whoopsie Daisy".

I learned the word Papoose from Epic Rap Battles of History.

But what's weird is: I guessed a word that had two o's, an s and an e in it, while the word my Mom says she was thinking of also has two o's an s and an e.

Like, last winter I was playing telepathy games with my brother-in-law's brother, and in mind reading, the word "Coffee" became "Cheerios". See a resemblance?

And then the same day last winter, I read my dad's mind saying "Uncanny" or "Unicorn", when the word was actually "Umbilical".

Basically, getting a perfect guess on a word is distant, but we can get like-sounding or like-spelled words sometimes. Fun.

Yesterday, however, in Alphanumeric Pick 3, I did manage to get 2/3 with my mom. It's the repetition of 2/3's and 1/3's over and over again that indicate I have some ability.

But, today so far as been horrible, except for the "Whoopsie" word-read.

<><><>

So, Avril Lavigne started her birthday celebration yesterday.

The night before yesterday, I sent Avril a $20USD donation to her charity wishing her a happy birthday saying that because I have debt to pay off again, that I planned on being frugal with my money again so I could pay off the debt.

I got into debt again buying an expensive lottery subscription, and other expensive stuff like an iPhone 6s.

Anyway, if I had avoided debt, I could have easily donated plenty to her Lyme Disease fundraising campaign she started on her birthday.

She's basically using Prizeo for her birthday celebration, offering a winner to help her record her new movie.

Anyway, I could have donated tonnes if I hadn't spent my money on other things.

But, though I had told Avril I would be frugal --- I had a hard time with the temptation of possibly helping her record her new movie, so I ended up donating 3 times last night, paying $650USD (about $870CAD) to her Prizeo campaign. Not only was I intrigued by the possibility of doing a movie with her, but I also just love her so much that I have difficulty with the thought of her getting tonnes of gifts from everyone else while I give nearly nothing.

I could have bought myself a new iPad or a new Apple Watch with that money, or I could have just paid off my debt, but my desire to remain frugal obviously didn't catch.

I don't know how to tell my parents.

If I hadn't had debt (as I had paid off my debts earlier this year), I could have donated a lot more to Avril ---- but I kind of wonder if it's OK that I didn't, because I fear it might be wrong if I show too much obession over her.

Actually, considering the nature of the things I bought that put me back in debt, it almost seems OK for things to have worked out they way they have --- I have a new phone, I could win a million dollars any week now, and I was able to show a decent amount of love and support for my hero.

Maybe it would have been a bad idea to show a huge "over" abundance of love for my hero by giving her a great deal more money, and then not have anything left for myself and then basically only having a chance of doing a movie with her.

Considering her $2000 pledge level is a machine-gun-prop from a music video, perhaps it's better I didn't get that shipped to my Canadian home address, considering how the border agency and police would think about things that look like prohibited weapons. :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A Message from my Publisher

Yesterday evening I got an email from Lulu.

"Subject: Why the cold shoulder?
It's Been A While... We've Missed You!
Hi Kristian Attfield,
We've noticed you've been a little distant lately. Is everything okay?...." 

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to think of this. All I know is I've seen pretty much a complete dearth of sales reports, and I got bored constantly visiting their site and finding nothing has changed.

And then today I did a search on Google for something like "How many of my books have been ripped off?" and finding an article or blog post from another author who says the Colbert Report confirmed in 2014 that a certain popular publisher doesn't report or pay to their authors properly.

For the past year or two or however long, I've been telling myself that the money I should be making is being used for something especially righteous and good --- trying to make myself feel better about never ever leaving my parents' basement in their or my lifetime.

I know I'm famous enough that google now has information boxes specifically about my books when you look up The Eagle's Sore or The Book of Finch on Google ---- I'm famous enough that now I have my own little special search result on Google now --- how nice. But not much in the way of money.

I grew up poor. My dad was unemployed for so long ---- the effects are lasting throughout my life, I'm 31 years old now and I've STILL NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE A CAR.

I mean, so many other people my age learn to drive in their teens and their parents pay for their vehicles, pay for their missions, pay for their university or whatever else ----

but me? I get to be mentally ill because of all the garbage I've had in my life and I never even get to drive a car.

I am stuck in my parents' basement. I've really been trying to get the sales to move on with my life ----

But despite being the smartest kid in school for so many years of my schooling, I NEVER GET TO REPRODUCE ---- people who I KNOW aren't nearly as intelligent as I get to make babies like there's no tomorrow, but me? Does the world want my brains in their gene pool? Apparently not. Wow.


I've tried. I really have. Not being able to transport myself easily to places really limits what I can I do with my life. I've never been able to transport easily because my dad had no work all my teen and adult life and there was no money to even learn to drive, much less afford a car or insurance.


So. Yeah. I've tried. I know I'm famous to at least a few thousand people. For some reason I just appear to "can't have money".

I mean, I think SOMEBODY wanted me to reproduce, why else would Avril Lavigne sing about me? But no, the bishop couldn't allow that.


Ugh. I've been so distant, my psychological issues are clearing up, I'm not thinking like a broken record anymore, I'm even working on another book.

But why would I publish this book if there appears to be no hope of ever getting paid?


It doesn't seem to matter what I do or try, almost always something will go completely wrong -- and people I have to trust are unreliable.

I can't just trust whoever is supposed to pay me to pay me - whether it be the customer or the book company.


I've had two sales of my video games in the past month. Last I checked, the one game I sold was in the 700 section, and the other in the 200 section of the O-Rank. I have TWO GAMES in the HIGH 100s on the O-Rank, yet no reported sales for them.

What is going on here?


It's like my life has been set up for failure. I try and I try and I try but something is always keeping me down.

No idea anymore. I try to be positive, and have a positive attitude, but sometimes the world just looks like absolute crap to me.

Why am I not getting paid? Who knows. Someone just doesn't want me to have money I guess. And it's been this way all my life.

The only way I was able to get money from anyone (the government) was so I could be drugged because of "insanity" (which has now been disproved btw) and so I wouldn't be able to lay claim on Avril Lavigne even though she sings about me.

I mean, people don't want to give me anything. I can only have my limited AiSH Cheque because someone wanted to screw me over. It's just one screw-over after another.

that's life I guess. It's tough.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

A Dream After A Crisis of Purpose

Yesterday evening I was doing some thinking on my own, and I came to a "crisis of purpose" in my mind.

I was crying, alone in my bedroom, feeling suicidal again, because my life doesn't have purpose. It was especially hard because I realized that though I was once the smartest boy at school, that I didn't fully earn my High School Diploma by myself because my mental illness at that time turned my brain off and therefore I couldn't do good at school anymore::: it was the doctor who gave me the pass for the Diploma. Just knowing that though I once was the smartest kid, but that I didn't actuallyl fully earn my Diploma, I became very sad last night.

I had a crisis of purpose. I'd pray to God asking what the purpose of my life is. I started feeling suicidal again.

Last night, my "telepathic thought power" basically calmed down the sadness by telling me my purpose in life is to get married or something like that. I mean, I know I can't get married, but God seemed to make great indications that I should have a girlfriend or something.

Anyway, after being calmed down by God last night, I tried watching a Christian movie I bought yesterday from a store just to see what was going on in the movie --- it was very interesting to see that this movie asked us if we had a purpose in life and depicted a woman who had attempted suicide.

Very strange how I would have those feelings after buying a Christian movie the same day which I hadn't watched yet which began to discuss some of the issues I had alone in my bedroom, although I didn't get to finish the movie.

Anyway, I fell asleep last night.

In my dream, I dreamt I was a Commander in an Army, that my great intelligence and high educatioin gave me a position of power in some kind of military organization.

I was in a third world country, for some kind of purpose or mission.

And I went to sleep in my dream, and I woke up, and found myself confronted by an Angel who looked like and sounded like a famous actor who will remain nameless here ---- I was confronted by an angel in the night in a dream, and this angel told me that as the commander of these military forces that I should give the gift of education to the impoverished people around me by giving of the army's fuel for the transportation of students.

Yup. I knew he was some kind of apparition because I was able to take a stick and when I tried to hit him with it, in my dream, the stick went right through him and could not hurt him --- this angel who looked like an actor was incorporeal.

Anyway, after having this encounter with this angel in this dream, I then discovered that early in the dark of the morning there were monks and nuns going about door to door for some reason. I can't remember what the reason was anymore, but I exited my house and confronted these people.

I told them I had this encounter with this angel, and that I was a military commander ---- and then some people who were with the nuns got very angry and started to berate me about all the great evil I had done with my life --- anyway, I told them that the angel said I should use my power as a military commander to fuel transportation of the poor people to be able to go to school.

The nuns were happy to hear it.

<><><><>

I think I can see how this dream might be related to the feelings I was having last night --- it was telling me to do something good for people I think, but I am not a military commander nor do have command over fuel to transport many people.

The dream played to my psychology of having been very intelligent growing up, as if I didn't go crazy in Grade 12 and I had stayed smart I might've ended up in the army or something. Compare that with a dream I had in I think it was June or July of 2001 that predicted the deaths of my leaders where I was also an army man, before 9/11 even occurred, and now that we've reached the end of the "shmita" and all debts are supposed to be forgiven, in the dream I would have been able to afford to pay for the poor people at that point.

Well, it's interesting. Just thought I'd share that dream on this blog.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Abused by the dishonesty

So: I've been going for years now being drugged and told that my belief in telepathy, and therefore by extension my relationship with Avril Lavigne - is just crazy.

The LDS church led the charge in telling me I'd work miracles and then forcing me on drugs because I believed in miracles --- and then they decided to tell me I'm not allowed to believe in my friendship with Avril Lavigne and members of the same church told me I was crazy for believing in telepathy.

Well guess what?

1) It's abuse to drug me for believing in something you originally told me to believe in. In my opinion.

2) Some of Avril Lavigne's songs and music videos seem to have direct relationship with myself --- it shouldn't take a psychic to see there's similarities between my own life and her work.

3) You shouldn't have to know that Abbey Dawn Road (the location Avril named her fashion line after) is located pretty much right next to the house where my grandparents lived for over 30 years - you shouldn't have to know this to realize she and I could be friends.

4) Telepathy had already been proven to exist for decades (thank you Amazing Kreskin among others) and my psychiatric doctor has ADMITTED, has CONFESSED TO ME that IT IS KNOWN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVABLY REAL.  Telepathy was never disproved, telepathy was never wrong --- it is known, scientifically to exist.


So basically, the Mormons have been going on for years telling me my relationship with Avril Lavigne was a delusion, and their key argument was their belief that telepathy is just crazy.

Well guess what??? TELEPATHY IS PROVEN. THE MORMON CHURCH WAS WRONG --- EITHER THEY WERE STUPID OR THEY WERE LYING.



I mean, in so many ways I see myself having a friendship with Avril Lavigne --- in so many ways I realize telepathy is real ----


yet the LDS Mormon church has been arguing against these things for so long --- and guess what? I WIN.


TELEPATHY WAS NEVER DISPROVED. IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED. ADMITTED TO BY MY PSYCHIATRIC DOCTOR.


My relationship with Avril Lavigne becomes clear to me over and over and over again ----- and somehow this "church" can't let me have my freedoms ----

this is the church that says I'd work miracles but then drugs me for believing in miracles ---

this is the church that claims to not be racist, when in fact their core beliefs and doctrines are very racist.

Unbelievable. I kind of wish I could get this message out there into the world for every mormon to read --- to read about how their organization absolutely messed up in my life, and I wish they would come to realize how bad the history of their church is and how senseless the religion is.


I wish I could tell them all how wrong they've been to me. If it's not a case of me not having everyone's email address or way of sending them the message, it's a case of the Mormons declaring that they can not be criticized, which is hypocrisy because of how much they like to criticize others.

Anyway.

In a bad mood today I guess. So much goes wrong in the the world, and in my life. Just a bad mood.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

1 Timothy 6:10

I grew up poor, and as such I understood the value of a little socialism::: a way for the poor person to have a way of continuing on with their life.

Being LDS, I suppose it was also part of my character to want to make as much money as possible for the 'building of the kingdom' ---- though I no longer follow the LDS path, I fully admit I was very gung-ho at one time about being mormon.

In more recent times, I've been wanting to make money to do things like pay off debt, buy a car, buy a house, pay for things, essentially.

1 Timothy 6:10 teaches "For the love of money is the root of all evil"

I can understand and accept this as a truth, it's another reminder to just forgive people who refuse to actually pay me for my books and video games.

Basically, in my home city of Calgary, it is not uncommon to be approached every so often by a poor person looking for a few bucks to help them out. I ALMOST ALWAYS give something, usually a few dollars at a time.

I do this because the Bible teaches us to give to those who ask, lend to those who would borrow.

Basically, one thing where my Mormonism agreed with my Christianity was to just give and do things for people freely.

Of course, when I'm giving money to a poor beggar on the street --- I need to get that money to give them from somewhere.

I've been trying to make money selling books and video games.  Basically::: when I write a book, or write a video game, and ask for about a dollar as payment, this is my way of being a poor person looking for money, I see many people in my city going around asking for a few bucks --- well me advertising my books and games and trying to sell stuff is just my way of trying to "bum" a few quarters off of internet people.

Anyway, to me, it's sad, but almost everyone on the internet must be very poor already because most people will take my work however they can get it, but will refuse to pay the smallest amount.

I can only afford to help beggars on the street because of the welfare I receive. Without my government support, I wouldn't be able to afford anything. Why? I should be making a dime off of people if people were actually honest with me and paid me for my work --- I would have an income and might even get kicked off of welfare if people would just be honest and pay me honestly -- but they don't, so I need welfare.

Anyway, I can never get married without the money, I can never have my own place to live without the money, I can never drive a car without the money. I just have to live with that.

I can live comfortably on socialist welfare in my parents' basement for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, the love of money is the root of evil, so if people were less greedy, then people would be more willing to freely give to others and pay an honest price for a product.

I freely give to people on the street. My heart is not burdened by greed there. I also donate plenty to charity.

I also pay for all my products and services and honest price.

I'm willing to separate myself from my cash quite easily, so don't accuse me of having too much love of money,

But in order to have cash to be separated from, I need to make money, and this is where I see that the massive population of people online seem completely unwilling to donate or pay me that $0.99 I ask for.

Is there evil in the world? Yes, of course there is. You, of course, are not helping when you won't pay an honest price or donate even the smallest amount to someone looking for help.

Maybe my products are crap, that's why I ask for suggestions and comments, but no one suggests or comments, no one will give me anything either.



Anyway --------- I've spent years of my life being drugged for being crazy and because I'm being drugged for being crazy, I get free money from the government.


The doctors have fully admitted that I'm not really actually that crazy ---- the life I've had to live is admittedly so abused and tormented that I pretty much get my socialism from being deemed crazy --- although it's not me that's crazy, it's the world around me treating me poorly.



If the world would just pay for that book they downloaded and read, I might be able to afford my own house at that point for all I know.


But the world insists on greed and evil, and will not give me a dollar, and therefore I had to be considered crazy so I could receive a welfare benefit just to be able to survive.


Life is so abused and tormented in our world. It's amazing how much the simple act of paying for an item is ignored as philosophically moral by the larger part of the internet.


Anyway ---- I may be on disability welfare ---- this only allows me to survive.

I am not actually crazy. I have been verified as sane, and if there's any craziness in me it's from being around crazy people or living in a crazy world too much.


If people were honest, they'd pay me honestly. Then I wouldn't need welfare.


Anyway, just something to think about::::: The world we live in is filled with evil, including people's so great love of money and greed that they can't even pay an honest 99 cent price for a book they read.


This is just my righteous indignation I suppose. I'm being calm, being very forgiving, but realize that though the science of what was once crazy has been verified, the reason I was ever considered crazy and given the money was because people are just too darned cheap to pay the smallest price for ANYTHING.


I wouldn't be able to survive in this world without some socialism.

Anyway, just going in circles now.


Just exhorting the world to give freely and pay an honest price. Don't be so super-greedy that you can't even pay a dollar for that book you read.

Anyway.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Postie/Post Office Problems

Yesterday the doorbell rang. I went to the door

Our postie (post-woman or post-lady) told us something about how they had a replacement delivering mail for a while, and the replacement for whatever reason just didn't deliver a parcel addressed to me and didn't even leave the package notification at our door, and she gave the package notification to me.

So::: I have this package notification from our mail-lady. I checked my credit card history --- Everything i ordered, besides things like Kickstarter stuff, I've already received and everything is in order::: I wasn't expecting anything to come.

Anyway, both today and yesterday I went into the post office to pick my parcel up with my package notification the postie left --- and both times I was told to come in the next day or the next week to check again, because they don't have anything in their system.

Now::: the post office said they hold onto things for 10 days, the notification says they hold onto things for 15 days.

I received the package notification on September 10th, and the package notification was written up in September, although it is unclear if the day of writing was the 4th, the 9th or the 11th. Who knows - maybe it's an error and it was the 1st.

But anyway, so I've been given a package notification, and the post office is telling me they don't have anything.

So::: either my postie or a replacement postie decided to tell me I had been sent a package, when there was no package, or there is a package for me but for some reason I'm not quite allowed to have it.


Considering I wasn't expecting anything, both explanations seem plausible.


So::: I am capable of some telepathy, and my psychiatrist even admits that telepathy is scientifically known reality.


Am I able to tell what the answer to this puzzle is?


First off::: My telepathy has been right on many occasions, that's how I know I have it.
Second off::: My telepathy has been wrong on numerous occasions, that's how i know it's not 100% trustworthy.

I mean, I've done enough testing to know that even if I get an "answer" from that voice in my head, it might be an incorrect answer.


But anyway::: Do I have any answers from my telepathy?


Yesterday when I asked God, God responded saying it was something I will not repeat here because it's inappropriate according to my mormon upbringing.

But then today or this evening when I asked God what it was, the word "Lawyer" repeated a few times in my mind. Not sure what that's supposed to mean about my package though.


Basically, yesterday's telepathic response is not fit for a family audience, or a G rated audience, and tonight's response mentioned something to do with the profession of accusing or defending or doing whatever with laws and courts and documents and the like:::: A LAWYER.



So, therefore it's probably not something from Kickstarter. It might have something to do with OUYA or Avril Lavigne - depending on how you interpret and speculate about things I've been asking for or trying to do with these people.

Of course, I have no idea about that for certain, as I don't really know what this supposed package is --- I can only guess that if it's something I've talked about before it might be OUYA or Avril ------


And off the top of my head, I know there are some youtube channels where the entertainers get fanmail and items in fanmail, and I've also wondered if that's what this is::: some fan who got my address and wanted to send me something.


Do I really know what it is? No.  My telepathy just gave me a hint that it involves something inappropriate and the word "Lawyer" was repeated. Might be OUYA or Avril, but hard to tell or know for certain or which of either or neither. :)





<><><><><><>


On a side note, I just want to say it's so strange how::::

The LDS church raised me to believe I'd work miracles and hear the voice of the holy ghost, yet::

Yet I was drugged at the church's command for my belief in miracles and the stake president eventually denied that any such voice ever actually existed.


Anyway, it's interesting that I could see Jesus Christ face-to-face yet the church would think I still need my drugs when Jesus could easily heal me ---


and it's interesting that the church would drug me because they won't let me believe in telepathy even though I have demonstrated such ability provably and repeatably, and then the psychiatrist does admit such things are real.


So ----- why didn't the LDS church believe in my telepathic ability or even allow it, when it could be demonstrated, proven, and even admitted to by the doctor they had drugging me?


There's something very wrong with that church, my friends.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Existence of Telepathy is Admitted by My Psychiatrist

So::: In Grade 11 Career and Life Management class I was taught that if you felt you had special abilities such as magic powers you are mentally ill.

I learned that if you feel thoughts are being taken out of or put into your head you are mentally ill.

And for years I've been drugged because I'm not allowed to be telepathic with Avril Lavigne anymore because my bishop said so.

Today, when I saw my psychiatrist (yet again) ---- the DOCTOR ADMITTED SOMETHING::::

My Psychiatric Doctor has ADMITTED that TELEPATHY IS KNOWN REALITY --- and the known science about it is that some people are more telepathic than other people.

THERE YOU GO!! SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN IN THE EYES OF MY DOCTOR!!!!

YAY!!!

Last time I saw my doctor, I did a number only pick 3 test with her which I got 1/3 on.

This time I did alphanumeric pick 3 with her, and I was "all wrong", but that didn't convince her I was wrong, she admitted it was scientifically proven.

Yeah, three weeks ago I got 1 out of 3 numbers right.

This time, when I made my reading, I said "I'm getting an O or a U for this first one", and I wrote down "O and U" --- for the second and third I had "T" and "S".

what's interesting about this is the word I got telepathically wrong from my doctor was "OUTS", although what she had written on her paper was completely different.

But even so, she admitted telepathy is proven.


Kind of like how my cousin years ago did the test with me and I got it all wrong yet he totally believed me about the reality of telepathy. Anyway. :) :)


So, I've been battling with the psychiatric profession in school and in my personal life about this for a LONG time ---- BUT NOW IT IS CONSIDERED KNOWN FACT according to my doctor that this stuff is real.

Yippee.


I wonder if I shouldn't be announcing this, but it just feels like a victory you know? Years ago I talked to a mormon lawyer and there was absolutely no acceptance of any possibility of telepathy existing, but now I have my doctor admitting to the reality. Yay.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Mormon Stories

I finished watching the first episode of Mormon Stories where John Dehlin interviews Shawn McCraney, and then I went to eat some pizza and listen to some music --- but as I enjoyed my music, my mind wandered about what it would be like if I ever did an episode of Mormon Stories, to tell what happened in my life...

Well, basically, I only got as far as thinking about how the patriarch told me I would work miracles and hear the voice of the holy ghost --- and he said this to me in a written document I still have today, even printed on this website.....

and then the Bishop can only think to accuse me of worshipping Satan and sends me to psychiatrists who can't let me believe in miracles.

And the Stake President denies the actual existence of a voice from the holy ghost.

I mean --- holy cow --- how would that story play out on Mormon Stories with John Dehlin?

"The church ordered me to work miracles, but then they decided to force me on drugs instead" --- I mean, holy cow --- that's some Mormon Story aint it?

Basically, in my emails to local legislative leaders, that is one of the big major points I bring up about why I think this church should be illegal in my country:::: They told me to follow and believe something that they were just going to force me on drugs for believing in just months later.

I mean, HOLY COW ---- WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE????

Basically, it's like I told you that I'm the real Santa Claus and then someone forced you on drugs for believing it ------

A church that constantly reminds us of how true they are tells me I'll work miracles and then they force me on drugs for believing in miracles.

I wonder how that would go down as a Mormon Story with John Dehlin. Hah.

I talked to someone else about this a few weeks ago, he basically said that the patriarch and the bishop were "not on the same page" - as he put it.

Basically, the Patriarch can bless me to work miracles, but the Bishop doesn't have to care that about that actual mormon doctrine that says anyone under the right circumstances can work miracles and forces me on drugs for believing in miracles.

Yeah. Just think what kind of Mormon Story video that would be like.

Hey you - I'm the real Santa Claus ---- now take this needle up your arse.

I mean, it doesn't matter if I'm the crazy guy claiming to be Santa and that I should be the one deemed insane --- I just have to tell you that I'm Santa and then YOU are insane.

Wowzers. Idiocy.

I mean, I was told my WHOLE LIFE that this church was the ONE TRUTH --- I was practically hypnotized to pay my tithing ---- they tell me one thing and then drug me for believing that thing.

It was predatory I think.

And it would be an interesting Mormon Story.

<><><><>

There were other things which I mention in the book of Finch which also came across my mind earlier today, and really it can just be summed up that these people were "stupid" and "hypocrites".

I don't want to go into detail, but I could.

You know, it's so bloody important to break up my relationship with my girlfriend --- but though it's so important I can't be told an actual reason for why it's necessary ---- and then every reason that's given years later is provably false and they don't even have agreement on the reason ------- that's the stupid part.

The hypocritical part is when the church says these people who break up my relationship with my girlfriend have to be forgiven of their abusive and dishonest behaviour, while the church can't seem to just forgive me for having overactive hormones.


I mean --- seriously --- it is understood by SCIENCE that there are chemicals in my body that MAKE ME NEED SEX --- and the church abuses me for having these chemicals, and tells me I have to use magic powers to change my body chemistry -- but then drugs me for believing in magic powers, even drugging me with more chemicals that just make the sexual need way worse.


And in my own knowledge of my life I realize it could have been the ghost of my then-recently-deceased grandmother giving me those overactive hormones....

and though it could be a sexual abuse issue from a dead telative, and though it could just be chemical science, and though it's such a minor sin, the church will just beat me up about it, while they totally forgive someone who is abusive and dishonest.

Yeah right. What a Mormon Story that would be.

So yeah, these things just crossed my mind today.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Dealing with my best fans is kind of painful

Well, I suppose it's only natural in my business that there's going to be those few crazies (like I once was) who are going to like my work so much that they want to be my personal bestest friends ever.

I was like that with Avril, kind of, she essentially claimed to be in love with me so I would want to marry her. She's played "hard to get" however.

Anyway ---- I suppose I could be somewhat ashamed of myself for how I deal with my best fans.

I mean::: I've had two "best fans" pop up in the past year, people who just love me so much that it gets unrealistic to deal with them.

I mean, one of my best fans was very interested in Mormonism and he liked me so much that he wanted me to come visit him in his country. And he started sending me messages daily. And I started to feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have talked to him at all because I could plainly see right off the bat that he liked Mormonism, but I was being nice and talked to him for a while.

Well, it's not really in my budget to come visit his country. I mean, people just don't seem to give me money --- so I can't really come visit him.

In the end I tried to explain to him how fraudulent Mormonism is and then I blocked him because I didn't want to discuss anything anymore with him.

But it's sad ---- because he absolutely adored me and I was nice but then I turned him off. Seems kind of harsh doesn't it?


And then there's the second one::: She liked me so much that she wanted to marry me. She was in love with me.

I mean, it's nice to think someone would want me: but I have to be on guard online, and I can't really afford to have a girlfriend the way things are.

Basically --- people don't pay me, so I can't afford to do the things these people want of me.

I guess I never have to do as they ask even if I did have the money, but it is kind of sad that I would be so "anti-social" that I would turn off/block my best fans.

I mean, I can be truthfully accused of being somewhat unkind to my own very best fans.

I'm introverted - I don't handle socializing very well. I also can't afford to come visit you in your country, nor can I afford to marry you.


I mean, it's kind understandable now why Avril Lavigne's forum moderator kicked me off her website ---- I myself was a really bad offender about that sort of thing.

And Avril, of course, just plays hard to get. I mean, she'll behave like she's ignoring me, or that she's forgotten me, or that I'm kicked off her fansite, but then boom --- she's friended me on facebook.

She does give some sign that she doesn't totally ignore me, and she seems friendly a lot, but it's "we're friends, but not on the fansite".

I dunno. I was kind of wanting to get a date with her now that it's over with Chad Kroeger --- but I'm already guessing that the amount of donations I'd have to send to her charity is still more than I can afford, so I'll just have to give what I can and just live with being on the fringes of the Avril Lavigne fan community.

Anyway. Avril kind of treated me kind of similar to how I treated my best fans, if that's any consolation for anyone.  There are some differences in how these things are, but really, it's similar:: she and I both try to be friendly with fans, but at the same time we both need our personal space.

:) Yeah. Anyway.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Sober Second Thought

So, my recent experience with my stupidity in dealing with my video game development situation brought on more thoughts::

What if I was just having another pipe-dream when I fantasized or planned to attract Avril Lavigne into going on a date with me?

Basically, the big reason I was ever interested in Avril, the original reasons I was befriending her --- was because of my position in life as a Mormon.

It is because of the Mormon church that I had any interest in Avril Lavigne.

But now the Mormon church isn't part of my life anymore, not nearly like it used to be, and now there's only one reason why I would try to spend time with Avril::: because she's my hero and I'm extremely thankful for what she's done.

But that's like, 1 reason. Mormonism gave me many reasons to befriend her. But those aren't reasons anymore.

And my 1 reason, that she's my hero, isn't a very good reason to spam her with ton in donations in order to get her to go out with me. I can send her donations every so often, but I have a life to live, and I don't really have too much hope of attracting her to me with my level of income.

It would be huge expenditure with little payback.

Basically, I am actually very happy with where my life is right now. I'm comfortable, I'm happy, and the Mormon church isn't part of my life anymore so many of the reasons I would have tried being with Avril don't matter anymore.

Also: her fans didn't like me for being a Mormon, and they also didn't seem to like my rebellion against Mormonism, so there was no right choice there. It just wasn't going to work maybe.

Maybe if I win the lottery I can consider making a nice donation to her to get that date ---- but I need to live my life realistically and budget appropriately, no pipe-dreams.

I mean, I might've had a pipe-dream that I could get a date with her, but I am well aware that my chances of ever getting married to anyone are extremely low.

So, I know I have little chance of ever marrying, so I'll just live realistically within budgeting restraints, and not go on some grandiose delusion adventure that will break the bank. :) hah.

I love her, but I can't afford her. I can afford her more now than before, but things have changed.

Nuf said.

I was a bit dumb...

Well, I got my email from someone at OUYA/Cortex saying they wanted me to port my game over to the Forge...

I decided to buy a Forge to make sure my game works on the new system...

I got the Forge and then ordered the Male A to Male A usb cable...

the cable arrived and I tried to make my ADB connection --- and failed.

I then tried just side loading one of my games, and then it struck me --- the OUYA/Cortex store and accounts are not currently available on the Forge!!!

OMG. My games won't work on this system because there is no OUYA/Cortex accounting system on the system yet.

I just wasted a lot of time ordering things online, and now I have to get my system back to spec to develop for OUYA again.

How dumb can I be?

But I won't worry about getting those updates in at this moment, it's 8:30pm and I've had a long day. Maybe tomorrow I'll get my system fixed up again and try to implement the needed changes. Whoops.

I'm so dumb.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Broken MOJO and an Opportunity

So, I managed to fix game saves in ICBM easily enough --- I found one piece of code that came from who-knows-where that I just had to delete and boom --- the logic worked correctly and game saves are saved.

But for some reason shutting the game down and then restarting in on the MOJO is STILL broken. I CANNOT figure this out. I have no idea. Something just doesn't work.

And here's another thing that doesn't work: the D-Pad on my MAD CATZ CTRLR. When I hooked an OUYA through bluetooth to the MOJO, the D-pad worked fine, but the original factory controller requires the controller to be in mouse mode before the DPad will interact with my game. This means a player will have to keep switching between regular and mouse mode all the time to play my game -- and that just isn't right.

So, for the time being, and I see no way of changing this right now, ICBM might or will or may never come to the MOJO.

I just got my email confirmation that my USB cable has been shipped so I can start developing on Forge - just have to wait for that, and I'll get the game OUYA asked for to them with the necessary changes.

We'll see if they just want my one game, or if all of them can come to forge, but it would be nice if I could get ICBM to work on the Forge as well as my other games and distribute them there.

I dunno, we'll see if OUYA/Razer just wants my one game or if all of them can come along.

<><><><>

So, last night I found out that Avril Lavigne is splitting with Chad Kroeger.

What does this mean to me?

It means I'm going to try to get a date of course, so if Avril sees this, she's been warned.

There is some chance my family might try to talk me out of it, but I don't see why, and I don't know that for certain anyway, so basically, I'm just going to be trying to get Avril's attention and get a date with her. I think.

She friended me once on Facebook already before she got Lyme Disease, and at that time she was with Chad so I didn't feel I could ask her out at that point, and she's talked to me on the phone, but she was engaged to Chad at that time so I didn't try, but now that they're splitting, she can bet that I'll be trying to get her to come to Calgary so we can go to the zoo together or something. Maybe play some video games. We'll see.

Basically, Avril Lavigne is my hero, she's like the psychotherapist that helped bring me out of a deep-deep-depression and bring me back to good mental health.

I was just telling my grandparents in an email the other day about this new song from Disturbed called "You're Mine" and how I feel this song could be seen as me to Avril for what she's done for me. It is a song of gratitude and praise for good deeds.

So, it might seem old, it might seem cliche for me to do this, but I still have to or want to get at least one date with Avril Lavigne as the opportunity has presented itself. Yay.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Forge Arrived

Very shortly after yesterday's blog post my Forge TV arrived in the mail.

I set it up, it's a nice system, Razer really knows how to package things nicely and make a good impression.

I got the Forge this early because when I upload my updates for my video games, I want to make sure they work on the Forge without having to guess.

I just have to wait for my USB 3.0 Male A to Male A cable to arrive in the mail now, in order to hook up my new toy to my computer.

But, as of this morning, I have done some rewiring of my ICBM game. The game now uses the latest ODK, and I'm trying to make it work on the MadCatz MOJO but I'm not quite there yet.

I noticed the newer controllers don't have the touchpad on them like the OUYA controllers do, so I'm removing touchpad support from ICBM in favour of using the Left Stick to perform the same functionality.

The fun thing about implementing intelligence reports with left stick controls is I actually had to extend my own object in order to do it!  Technical geek happiness here, I enjoy building video games, even if I don't make much money and even if people don't appreciate my work so much, it's just fun to build them, and I just excited myself today by taking one object I built myself and then extending it in order to complete functionality with what I need to do with Left Stick intelligence report controls. What fun.

I've extended Activity objects before (obviously), but this is my first time extending my own object. Yay.

SO:::: problems to sort out:::: Making sure ICBM quits properly when the user tells it to quit, as well as trying to get the D-Pad to work properly on the MOJO, as well as trying to fix game saves which somehow broke in my process of bringing the game to the new ODK (I started that process a long time ago actually, I'm not quite sure what I've done wrong yet, I might not remember).

So,  I'll try to figure this out.

I have however, also edited my strings so they are no longer hard coded to say the OUYA button names, now they use the OUYA Everywhere implementation to use system-specific button names.

There are some other things I thought I could talk about, but it's not game related so I should leave that for another time I guess.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

More Mail from Google

So, my brother came home from his first day at University and brought in the mail::: Another letter from Google!

OK -- this is just an ad flyer, from google, which is really different, and basically, they want me to start spending money on advertising.

I really, really wish I could.

I don't get paid for my work for the most part. Between being kind of poor and being told to forgive everything by the church, I'm also at a loss at how to deal with those who engage in copyright infringement against me.

I'm glad that I'm growing to greater "popularity", seeing as how google thinks I'm now important enough to send mail to, but in my experience from years before trying to sell my first book, I'd spend thousands on advertising, and then no one would buy anything --- and then people just ripped it off.

I'm flattered Google thinks of me this way, but I'm not rich enough, especially considering I spent almost $2000 on my credit card to buy a very expensive lottery subscription in the past few weeks because I do want my fortune, and I see that expensive lottery subscription as giving me a better chance of winning those millions than actually relying on people to actually pay me for my books or video games.

Anyway. Yeah. Google wants my money. I don't make enough money to make it worth my while. I already know from previous advertising binges that I'm probably not going to get that money back either.

So, I'm in debt again, deep debt, gambling debt, cuz I want my millions and I'm more likely to win the lottery than I am to get people to actually start paying me for my work. :)

<><><><>

On a side note, I noticed I got an email from someone from that old church I used to attend, they sent their message to an address I don't really use anymore for anything except whatever just happens to come in at that address.

Did I read his message? No. Do I want to? I am curious --- but I hear "curiosity killed the cat", and as such, when dealing with this church, I'd rather avoid any problems at all costs, which means I'll just leave this message unopened in my inbox, in all likelihood.  There's also a huge chance that this message was broadcast to many members and not a personal message. Or maybe not. Who knows.

<><><><>

I should also note that I do have some bit of respect for the LDS church still, I think they did their best to raise me to be a good and decent person.

I'm not perfect, and trying to figure out the right way to be might be difficult considering all the theology involved and the different things the different religions say,

But I just accept that the LDS church raised me to have some level of intelligence, so I could do well in school, and not be one of these kids who is totally, um, well, doing things they shouldn't. I won't go into detail here.

<><><><>

As for that comment about being crazy and seeing Jesus and all that ---- I never lied about any of my experiences where I claimed to see Jesus ---- I always had these experiences, and some of them were definitely spooky enough that it might be the truth, but i recognize I may have hallucinated or been delusional. I don't know the whole truth about everything. I have a note from Jesus somewhere, but it's unknown if it really is from Jesus or if someone at the church was pulling a deceitful prank.

Just imagine what it was like for me::: having a note from Jesus, seeing "Jesus", like, various interesting things happening, and then wondering what the actual truth is. Like, really, it's all in the past now and I don't think about the whole thing very much, but yeah, it was an experience.

<><><><>

Do I know that there's any way I can verify any magic? YES!!!! I am a capable mentalist!!!

Believe it or not ---- I'm PRETTY GOOD at guessing games. I'm not totally good, but I beat the odds, even in small ways, so much that I can not ignore this ability I have to see inside my mom and dad's heads and see the letter or number they are thinking of and write it down and usually get at least 1/3 correct!  And the odds of getting 1/3 in alphanumeric pick 3 are at least 1:12, or 1:36, but I have done better than event that, but anyway, getting at least 1:12 odds a few times in a row means something, I'm sure, especially as I have a method I use to look inside their heads and see what they're thinking --- it really is magic!! Or something "like magic", um, anyway, yeah, life's interesting like that.

But I am by no means a complete expert or anything --- it's obvious I make many mistakes. I just do well enough to know I have some ability.

<><><><>

And I'm just rambling. Talking about what's on my mind. I have some respect for the LDS church, they did some good, I just don't care to read their email anymore. And yes, I am personally capable of a little bit of "magic", it seems.

Making Distinctions in Crazy Law

One thing I remember hearing over and over again in Mormonism when I was growing up is how the LDS 15 apostles (first presidency and quorum of the twelve) were totally the type of guys who would meet Jesus and walk with him and talk with him.

The 15 Apostles totally meet Jesus right?

Well, then the church turns around and also explains that these men are NOT insane. There is nothing mentally handicapped about them --- they are totally in their right minds, AND they meet Jesus at the same time!!!



Now, in my experience with Alberta psychiatric law, from what I've understood it doesn't matter if your experience with Jesus is real, fake, hallucinatory, delusional, or anything ---- there ARE NO DISTINCTIONS IN ALBERTA'S PSYCHIATRIC CODE BETWEEN DIFFERENT WAYS OF MEETING JESUS ---- TO THE GOVERNMENT OF ALBERTA, IF YOU MEET JESUS YOU ARE INSANE.

That's right!!!! I just think it's kind of hypocritical how the LDS church would promote their leaders as guys who meet Jesus, and then say they are not considered insane----

when in fact the actual local laws of my country consider any encounter, ANY encounter, to be CRAZY, INSANE, or HALLUCINATORY.  It doesn't matter if it really was a true meeting with Jesus ---- it really is just insanity right off the bat.



So yeah, it just seems unfair and hypocritical for these people to say "Our leaders meet Jesus and they're not crazy!" while EVERYONE ELSE who might have an experience with Angels or Jesus is AUTOMATICALLY INSANE NO MATTER WHAT.

No matter how you look at it, if you believe you've met Jesus Christ, those are automatic points towards you being considered mentally ill.


So yeah, I'm just a little annoyed and sad that they would treat their leaders like they're totally magnificent men who aren't crazy who meet Jesus, while anyone else who meets Jesus will automatically be considered ill according to the laws of the country.

Why is this distinction made??

The Mormons are, of course, shameless self-promoters, always trying to attract converts and constantly trying to remain in control.

Of course, the wool has come off the eyes of so many in our day and age that I think most people will no longer believe in that kind of nonsense, I think most people now realize that it was all complete crap.

There is so much documentation on the internet about all kinds of things in church history that the church doesn't tell you about or talk about, and things they do talk about and tell you about which they later deny ever believing ----- the whole thing is so dishonest that it really is just insanity. They just can't allow themselves to be portrayed as insane, because they are self-righteous about the quality of their people and all that.

Gotta go now.