Saturday, August 22, 2015

Falling in Love

Well, I've been having an email relationship with this girl --- it's pretty good, we both write to each other almost daily, so I'd say I'm technically not "spamming" her seeing as how she's always replying and saying happy things, and she even wants to hear from me too!

But, I am afraid, that my mind becomes filled with things to say to her as they days and nights go on, and I go about thinking "I could say this, I could say that" --- basically, it's a temptation to send more than 2 emails a day (so far the most emails I've sent in one day is 2) but I'm trying to hold myself back because I'm thinking it might be a bad habit of mine to write to someone too much.

I can feel myself falling in love - how do I know? I feel a light and heat in my heart or bosom, she has kindled a fire in my soul. I thought my heart was stone or that my love was dead ---- apparently not, she has invaded my soul.

Under normal circumstances, even with having my debt paid off, I know there's all likelihood that this relationship will or would fail --- in my logical mind there doesn't seem much of a chance of success for this.

So, I've prayed to GOD for another miracle. I think God listened and heard me and He sounds willing to accept what I've asked for ----- we'll just have to wait and see.

There are all kinds of reasons why it would be wonderful if I could have a life with this girl, assuming we do agree that we are right for each other.

In my logical mind, I know there's a high probability of failure. But my logical mind also knows of God's great power to do things like miracles, and as such I know there is some hope that things can or will work out.

Another great thing about this girl is that she's not Mormon/LDS, so all my psychological issues about thinking about the church appear to be going away ---- my mind is now filled with thoughts and plans about how I could make it work with this girl, and because she doesn't share my LDS background the church issues are not a talking point, I really feel no need to discuss all the past problems with her. I talk about current problems with her: like how will we make this work?

So, all/most the problems of the past are fading out of my mind, and I'm now living in the present, and hopeful for the future.

Amazing how that is, how one girl who is happy to hear from me and talks to me and replies to me can just change everything. And because she has NOTHING to do with what happened in my life (such as being involved with Mormons), I have NOTHING to discuss with her about that stuff except to tell her "I came from such and such church, and I learned it was a wrong church", and there you go.

Another good thing is that my anxiety has really lowered with her. I am not afraid to read her email. Perhaps I was a little afraid when she offered to chat with me on the phone, so I responded that talking over facebook video chat might work better. We'll see. I'm still introverted, but there is a certain drive in me to see if I can get this relationship to happen.


In other news, things I can talk about or mention which I thought of:::

I am part socialist, part capitalist, and part gambler. I'm a socialist in that I know how it is to be dirt poor, and I have much desire to help poor people. I am a capitalist because I am a man who has a profit motive built into his soul and I do try to make money, and even wish to become very wealthy (if even to help the poor with that wealth). I am a gambler because I have a profit motive and people don't like paying money to the capitalist in me, so I take my chances to make my millions a different way. :)

I can also say that I feel I've tried as much as I can to be successful in life --- the one thing I haven't really done is gotten a real job, but that can be explained because a) my brain has had great difficulty ever since the last year of high school and c) my family was dirt poor, and you need money to make money, so it was hopeless.

Even though my psychiatrist tells me I have improved my mental condition so much in the past months or years, I am getting better, I know that trying to go back to school might be difficult because my brain still has problems, and this is evident because of my inability to do much reading for great periods of time.

Essentially, in order to do well in University, you NEED to be able to read and study. I can't really do this all that well right now ---- last year I bought a book called "Hector and the Search for Happiness", I bought it because it is comparatively short and it looked popular and looked like fun.

But guess what? It took me about a YEAR to completely read this book. Most of the time my brain was too "turned off" to read it. The best reading session I had with this book (or with any book) is when I was out camping, and I could concentrate on reading it because there were no distractions, or whatever the explanation might be.

So::: it took me a year to read a short book. It's a clear indication that I still have brain problem because what took me over 300 days to do, my Mom did in just 2 days. It took me over 300 days to read that book, but my mom took it from me when I was done and she read it in 2 days.

I still have some brain problems, and as such getting the training to do a real job might be difficult. It's too bad.

And in the end, I can just say that I've really, really been trying. :)

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