Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Remembrance

Last night I was talking with my brother about things, I remembered some things.

And I just thought about it a bit in the past few moments:

The psychiatric doctors wouldn't let me believe in the miracles the LDS Patriarch told me I would work. The patriarch made it clear to me that I would be miraculous, but the psychiatric doctors wouldn't allow me to believe that.

So::: if I'm not allowed to believe in these "BS Miracles", then why wouldn't the psychiatrists allow me to rebel against the church when it came along trying to control my life with their crazy ideas???

I mean, seriously::: The psychiatrists told me the LDS church was crazy, and since the LDS church was trying to control my life with crazy ideas, you'd think I'd be allowed to rebel against them--- but NOOOOO, your doctor CAN'T let you rebel against an organization he's already made clear is just an insane organization.

I'm really confused:::

If the LDS church is the truth, then I can work miracles, and therefore the doctor was wrong to tell me I was crazy.

If the LDS church was a lie, then they've been trying to control my life with crazy lies, and I don't understand why I'm not allowed to rebel against that.

I mean, it's just maddening ---- what was the doctor's logic???

The doctor seemed ot think that I should allow a crazy lying organization to control my life with a bunch of crazy lies, while at the same time not believing in the crazy lies they were telling me, whilst still letting them control my life.

Doesn't make any flipping sense.

And that's one thing I remembered from the past.

Another thing I remember is how in our constitution we have "GUARANTEED FREEDOM OF BELIEF" --- yet the psychiatric doctors wouldn't let me believe in TELEPATHY even though it had already been proven to exist for decades.

I mean, I can legally believe whatever I want according to law ---- but the doctors were drugging me directly as a result of myself believing in something that was already proven to be true.


IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!! WT*????


Yeah, just remembered some things from my discussion last night with my brother. Nuf of that now.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Mentally Disabled (myself) Helping the Handicapped Fail

So, I'm the disabled guy, and the handicapped guy was in a wheelchair.

I'm mentally disabled. I am mostly physically capable.

Well, I was walking home from getting a snack, and I was walking home with a big can of pop in my right hand.

I approached a bus stop where some people were waiting for a bus, including this man in his wheelchair.

The bus pulled up. The ramp comes out (for the wheel chair bound man).

The terrain of the sidewalk and the grass and the position of the ramp was not right for the man in the wheelchair (in his position) to get on the bus.

First I am hesitant (first mistake) -- well, I hadn't yet reached the bus stop I was walking towards it still, but I was kind of hesitant.

After a little while of seeing this problem not resolve itself, I offered to help (good attempt), and a woman who was there took my pop and I tried to maneuver the wheelchair, but I was unable to do any good.

I gave up. The woman handed my pop back to me.

Well, she has a brain. My brain is disabled. My brain was obviously not functioning at full capacity, or my full capacity isn't enough.

Well, she had a brain, she just told the bus to pull up towards a driveway and she got the guy on the bus.

Good on her.

Maybe I get a point for attempting to help, but this was largely a fail. I did not have the brains to solve the problem at that moment, nor did I solve the problem in anyway shape or form.

All I did was get the ball rolling by offering to help. But my help failed. She had the brains. I am mentally disabled.

They got on the bus, and I just continued walking.

As I was walking along thinking about this, a man on a bike came up behind me, and I completely didn't notice him and he had to maneuver around me.

What a fail. Not a big deal (as far as I know), but it was a fail.

With all the support I give to Avril Lavigne, I'd have wished that I could be more help than I was.

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In other news, OUYA (which will soon become "Cortex" on Forge TV as of the purchase by Razer) has told me they really like one of my games and they want me to update it so it works better on the Forge TV.

So, I've ordered a Forge TV.

I'm glad I had a game worthy enough of mention for OUYA to ask me to make the move, so I guess that's nice.

The End of a Short Relationship

So, I've sent my final email to this girl from a far away country, and I've put her on a filter to have all her emails deleted. why?

It really just wasn't going to work.

She was good at evoking those "feelings of love" in my heart, yet she also seemed to believe that those feelings could totally be trusted ----- I am sure this is not the case.

But also, really just wasn't going to work.

Throughout the emails I constantly told her things like "There's little chance this will work" and "I don't want to get your hopes up" ---- but she just kept "falling deeper and deeper" with me.

Anyway, the very basic most simple reason why I ended it was because I couldn't afford it.

What a relief.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Falling in Love

Well, I've been having an email relationship with this girl --- it's pretty good, we both write to each other almost daily, so I'd say I'm technically not "spamming" her seeing as how she's always replying and saying happy things, and she even wants to hear from me too!

But, I am afraid, that my mind becomes filled with things to say to her as they days and nights go on, and I go about thinking "I could say this, I could say that" --- basically, it's a temptation to send more than 2 emails a day (so far the most emails I've sent in one day is 2) but I'm trying to hold myself back because I'm thinking it might be a bad habit of mine to write to someone too much.

I can feel myself falling in love - how do I know? I feel a light and heat in my heart or bosom, she has kindled a fire in my soul. I thought my heart was stone or that my love was dead ---- apparently not, she has invaded my soul.

Under normal circumstances, even with having my debt paid off, I know there's all likelihood that this relationship will or would fail --- in my logical mind there doesn't seem much of a chance of success for this.

So, I've prayed to GOD for another miracle. I think God listened and heard me and He sounds willing to accept what I've asked for ----- we'll just have to wait and see.

There are all kinds of reasons why it would be wonderful if I could have a life with this girl, assuming we do agree that we are right for each other.

In my logical mind, I know there's a high probability of failure. But my logical mind also knows of God's great power to do things like miracles, and as such I know there is some hope that things can or will work out.



Another great thing about this girl is that she's not Mormon/LDS, so all my psychological issues about thinking about the church appear to be going away ---- my mind is now filled with thoughts and plans about how I could make it work with this girl, and because she doesn't share my LDS background the church issues are not a talking point, I really feel no need to discuss all the past problems with her. I talk about current problems with her: like how will we make this work?

So, all/most the problems of the past are fading out of my mind, and I'm now living in the present, and hopeful for the future.

Amazing how that is, how one girl who is happy to hear from me and talks to me and replies to me can just change everything. And because she has NOTHING to do with what happened in my life (such as being involved with Mormons), I have NOTHING to discuss with her about that stuff except to tell her "I came from such and such church, and I learned it was a wrong church", and there you go.


Another good thing is that my anxiety has really lowered with her. I am not afraid to read her email. Perhaps I was a little afraid when she offered to chat with me on the phone, so I responded that talking over facebook video chat might work better. We'll see. I'm still introverted, but there is a certain drive in me to see if I can get this relationship to happen.


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In other news, things I can talk about or mention which I thought of:::

I am part socialist, part capitalist, and part gambler. I'm a socialist in that I know how it is to be dirt poor, and I have much desire to help poor people. I am a capitalist because I am a man who has a profit motive built into his soul and I do try to make money, and even wish to become very wealthy (if even to help the poor with that wealth). I am a gambler because I have a profit motive and people don't like paying money to the capitalist in me, so I take my chances to make my millions a different way. :)


I can also say that I feel I've tried as much as I can to be successful in life --- the one thing I haven't really done is gotten a real job, but that can be explained because a) my brain has had great difficulty ever since the last year of high school and c) my family was dirt poor, and you need money to make money, so it was hopeless.

Even though my psychiatrist tells me I have improved my mental condition so much in the past months or years, I am getting better, I know that trying to go back to school might be difficult because my brain still has problems, and this is evident because of my inability to do much reading for great periods of time.

Essentially, in order to do well in University, you NEED to be able to read and study. I can't really do this all that well right now ---- last year I bought a book called "Hector and the Search for Happiness", I bought it because it is comparatively short and it looked popular and looked like fun.

But guess what? It took me about a YEAR to completely read this book. Most of the time my brain was too "turned off" to read it. The best reading session I had with this book (or with any book) is when I was out camping, and I could concentrate on reading it because there were no distractions, or whatever the explanation might be.

So::: it took me a year to read a short book. It's a clear indication that I still have brain problem because what took me over 300 days to do, my Mom did in just 2 days. It took me over 300 days to read that book, but my mom took it from me when I was done and she read it in 2 days.

I still have some brain problems, and as such getting the training to do a real job might be difficult. It's too bad.

And in the end, I can just say that I've really, really been trying. :)

Thursday, August 20, 2015

A New Friend

So, for the past while I've come up with numerous things to think in my thinkings, and I considered saying them on my blog, but I didn't because it didn't seem important enough.

But now, I have something to talk about.

I've gotten into an email friendship with a girl. She comes from a country very far away. She has romantic interest in me, and I can understand that she and I have some chance of being that way successfully, but it's a small chance, so small a chance that I would call it a "pipe-dream".

I do actually find myself wishing her well and looking for her "success", and well, the sad thing is I'm not sure what I can do for or with her except write email and chat.

You see, in order to really live with a girl and have a family, I would need a lot more money than I have.

My Alberta AiSH payment might seem like a lot, and compared to so many places in the world it is pretty decent, except living here in alberta is very expensive with how high housing costs are. I can afford to live with my parents on AiSH. Very difficult to consider having my own place, especially when I might be living with an immigrant.

So, basically, there's a girl who has expressed great interest in me, and I am willing to accept that --- except it can't go any further than email just because people don't pay me for the work I've done.

I think it's kind of sad actually ---- I get the lion's share of my income from doing nothing, and I do all this work and get paid nothing for it.

To me, that says "Socialism wins" --- or even "Communism wins" --- when I get everything I have for nothing, and then all my efforts earn me nothing.

Is it a bad thing that socialism could take over? Not necessarily, I think there are some very good things about some social ideology, but I'm basically living a socialist life in a capitalist society where housing is extremely expensive and you basically need to be an oil tycoon in order to live in a house.

Anyway, just saying, I think it would have been great if people had paid me for my efforts, that way I might've had a chance of actually having proper female companionship or I could stop being such a burden on the government.

Anyway. I understand that there are so many millions of people who pretty much don't have money, and I do have some idea of support for a social agenda where everyone is provided for ----- but it just gets ridiculous when hundreds or thousands of people don't pay the less than $1 price I ask for ---- it actually seems kind of dishonest.

I'm also forgiving, but I am saddened that people go out of their way to do the wrong thing or choose something immoral (like stealing) when the price is so low they probably could have easily just paid the small price and have been honest about it.

My psychiatrist says that people will do wrong the wrong things they think they can get away with.

I am forgiving, but I am also disappointed in so many people. I am actually kind of disappointed in humanity actually. But anyway.

So, I'm planning on publishing another book, and I think it's kind of an interesting read. I am hoping people will be decent and pay the price it costs, but I already know from experience that if it's not freely available or rip-offable, it might not get much attention. So sad.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The "Prove You're Psychic" - win a prize offers

So, throughout my time of watching Youtube videos, including from years ago and today being reminded in one video ----

there is a challenge offered by someone where if you can prove you have psychic ability, he'll give you 1 million dollars, and according to the video I watched today, no one has won the prize.

So: what do I think about this?

I have proven at home to my family and even over long distances to at least myself that I am capable of telepathic thought. I can send and receive messages with my mind.

The easiest way to test and prove this ability is just to read my family's minds.

So::: Where could a 1 million dollar psychic challenge go wrong for me?

First of, The Amazing Kreskin, the world's foremost mentalist doesn't consider it a psychic power, it's just science to him, he did apprentice as a psychologist you know ----

but also, I don't always get it right, for any number of reasons including maybe my personal lack of skill and even a possibility that the person I'm reading is being dishonest with me.

Today I did a telepathy test with my mom.

The very first reading was clear 'X'.  Then I got a 'Y'. But though I would have known according to sequence that Z would have been the last character, that's not what I read on her mind, so I ended up writing down "C" instead.

So, I wrote down: X Y C

What what her original?

Her original was: X T Z

From today's experiment alone, it is clear that I clearly read and understood the X properly, but this demonstration might have shown that she had dishonest thoughts, because though I was well aware of the sequence of X Y Z at the time of the reading, she may have thought Y when it was actually T, and I was supposed to get the Z from seeing the X and Y except she was thinking (maybe) C so, I would have known it was a Z, except she thought something different.

Basically, my parents have proven to me that they are very capable of being dishonest about what they are thinking, and today's example just happens to be a very good example of that.

On a side note, over a week ago (because I didn't do any experiments for a whole week) I know I was able to properly read both the letters E and F on my father's mind, and scored a 2/3.


Anyway, I can prove in home testing that I am capable of reading simple thoughts in a person's mind, but to get the 1 million dollar prize I'd have to not screw up while dealing with factors such as "dishonesty" and a lack of trust in the judge that wouldn't let me test with my own parents.

Basically, I have proven myself to my own parents at very least, but the conditions of the experiment might not work, as well as I might just lack the total skill to do as well as I'd want to.

I am somewhat capable, but that doesn't mean I'm excessively good or perfect.

I can keep it on my mind that there's always that test available --- but though I know I have some ability, it's not perfect yet.

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On a side note, it would be interesting if I did prove my psychic power and that's why Avril Lavigne started singing about me.

If I earned Avril Lavigne's friendship, respect and song for my previous accomplishments in life, I suppose you can imagine how ripped off I've felt in my life that she would be forcefully taken away from me by a corrupt A-Hole Bishop and doctors who can't let me believe in things which were already proven for decades.

Yes --- maybe I earned Avril, but she was stolen from me by people who don't care to let me achieve the reward of great past effort, the great past effort being anything ranging from being top of the class in school to having predicted 9/11. Or maybe i earned her from being on the verge of killing myself, which makes the idea that they took her from me absolutely horrible because she was helping me regain better mental health, and the bishop and psychiatrists I was dealing with, unfortunately, didn't seem to care that she really helped me.

It was all rotten I guess. Such a rip-off. They can't even let her comfort my tortured life apparently.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Got a Letter From Google

I just came home from a camping trip.

I found the only mail here that could possibly be for me is a letter from Google.

I got so scared, paranoid and anxious that Google was going to tell me to knock it off about the Mormons or something, that I'm having too many issues about them,

But, I manned-up and opened the letter: It said that there have been many people in my area doing google searches for me.

Really??? I mean, I get visitors to my blog, but I didn't think it was so much that it would warrant a letter from Google.

Anyway, I would wonder if all these searches or most of these searches Google refers to are me googling myself,

but if it's true that there are many people googling me in my home city --- um, OK. Hmmm. Social issues I think. Hah. :)

So, they were nice enough to also send me a coupon for Google Ads. That's pretty decent of them. I have no idea how I'd use that right now though. :)

I have to spend a certain amount of money in order to get a certain amount of discount ---- regardless of all the searches, I don't think I really make that much to make it worthwhile, unfortunately --- but who knows?

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Tithing Money

I was just having some thoughts today about my experiences with the LDS church (big surprise there, I'm just obsessed you know?) and I already know from experience that my family won't want to hear it from me, so I'll just say it here:

I've given lots of tithing to the LDS church. Hundreds of dollars. Probably even a few thousand dollars worth in my short and worthless time in that organization.

Well, I was just thinking about this one trip I took with my parents to the temple a bunch of years ago --- no, I've never been through the endowment ceremony, my parents were doing "work" for their deceased relatives, I waited outside on the temple grounds.

Well, the temple at that time was in a small town that is very far away from where I live, and I needed a laptop recharge.

So, I found an unused electrical outlet on the temple grounds, and plugged in to recharge.

Well, believe it or not: One of the temple security guards came to harass and intimidate me about using the church's electricity.

I mean, I've paid all kinds of tithing in my life, but no matter: It doesn't seem to matter how much you've personally invested in the church already, they don't care, they're just going to intimidate and harass you for using their resources even if you've paid your part, which is usually way more than the cost of the resource your using.

Like, it seemed the only reason this temple security guy didn't give me a harder time was because I was waiting for someone who was worshipping inside the temple.

Back when I attacked the missionaries' car back in 2004 --- on a side note I can say it's interesting that they're supposed to forgive you even if you don't repent::: I paid for the damages and they still didn't really actually "forgive" me!

Anyway, the thing about paying for those damages was the church pretty much actually had me pay for the damages twice:::

The church promises special spiritual blessings for when you pay your tithing.

Well, first off:: I pre-paid for the damages I did to the missionaries' car. I had already more than paid the church enough tithing to pay for the damages I caused. But, that doesn't matter to the church, they don't care if you've invested enough and then demand your pound of flesh when the church isn't working out: even if you bought a stake centre for the church, the church will sue if you take a wrecking ball to said stake centre, so to speak.  So, I paid the tithing which was essentially pre-payment for the damage, but the church didn't care if I had already given them enough for that --- they wanted to be paid again (which I did).

Anyway, I just think it's interesting that the special spiritual blessings the church offers through the tithing program don't allow you to use their electricity without intimidation or even to take your pound of flesh worth when the church becomes too stupid for you.

I mean, all the 'spiritual blessings' the church gave me was this idea or even delusion that they had given me the special priesthood power to work miracles, which then means you're crazy and you then have to be forced on drugs. And the church doesn't even back you up or defend your belief in the miracles they told you you'd have::: the spiritual blessing they give you for paying tithing is to be drugged for believing in the kind of nonsense they teach you.

Yes. I just felt like talking about that.

I guess I'm obsessed and upset.

so:

1) Paying tithing doesn't allow you to use church resources without intimidation.
2) Paying tithing doesn't allow you to take your pound of flesh worth in vengeance.
3) Paying tithing is supposed to be a spiritual blessing, but it doesn't even get the church to defend your belief in the miracles you were supposed to work, as they said you would work them.
4) Paying tithing, you will not avoid being forced on drugs.
5) You may have paid your tithing, but the bishop won't let you marry the girl you chose, even if she wants you too and the church said you'd be given your choice of a wife.

Anyway. that's all just my experience. And yeah.

Monday, August 3, 2015

More reasons for being single

So::: in the past week I've been contacted by a woman from another country, and now she is essentially claiming me as her boyfriend.

Though I do sort of feel better about myself that a girl would actually seemingly want me, and though I do hope God takes care of this girl, there might be a few more reasons why I still can't have a girlfriend, beyond the paranoia of my ex-girlfriend's parents:::

1) MY parents are paranoid. I may have known Annie Liabilitry for years in person before we became better friends, but that didn't stop her parents from being paranoid about me.  Well, even though everything she said in her email may have truth to it, I know my parents are just going to be a little paranoid about any girl who randomly walks in through email and tries to befriend me, as I've already tried to explain to her. This might not be the best reason we can't have a relationship, but it is a big reason.

2) I'm not wealthy enough (yet). You see, the whole reason I wrote The Book of Finch is because some of Avril Lavigne's fanclub members suddenly started inviting me to go to Los Angeles and steal Avril Lavigne away from Brody Jenner.  Of course, I couldn't afford this, so I decided to write the book to make some cash. Book failed horribly. Been writing books and videogames since then to try and pay the even deeper debt of-- and failed horribly.

I have absolutely 0 ability to make a fortune for myself by trying to sell product. The original intent for me to make money was so I could get a girlfriend. And well, I still can't afford a girlfriend, even now that I've more or less paid my debts. Maybe after a while of saving, maybe I might have some hope of having a girlfriend.

3) Cold feet? I guess that's the best way to put it. Part of me wants a girlfriend, but most of me doesn't. I already explained on a recent camping trip I went on with my family that I will never marry and I'm happy to be that way.  And just a few weeks later, what luck, there's a girl in a foreign country who wants me. I dunno.

It definitely seems very nice that I have an opportunity to fall in love, but with paranoid parents, with incomplete funding, and with a heart already set on staying single, it's kind of hard to accept myself as having been claimed as a boyfriend.


I do hope God takes care of this girl, she seems nice, and I hope she finds success. It is still beyond me right now, however, to find love.