Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I'm so confused about reality

Being mentally ill, it's no wonder I look at my efforts, my life, my sales reports, the internet, and feel very confused about reality.

I like the OUYA. It's a fun toy to play with, and for me as a developer, it's a dream come true. I hope my relations with OUYA stay friendly, I just have little bits of paranoia and suspicion about why my recent updates were rejected. Hopefully the twitter feed that announces new updates and games on OUYA was indicative about the actual problem when it mentioned a 'PHP issue', which I know nothing about. I hope PHP is being an issue, and not that people don't like me.

I know people might not like me, it's not hard to guess that someone will look at my work and have a problem with me, my life is just so screwed up. But I'm trying to move on, past a crappy childhood, past my crappy twenties, and hope to enjoy good thirties. Hopefully my thirties are good, and I can leave the crap in the past.

But anyway - I like the OUYA - it's fun to develop for. I have 5 games on OUYA. As I looked at the O-Rank this evening, I noticed that my games are ranked pretty decently on the system.

I'm guessing this is because I have two games on the OUYA Discover Store Front Page. Though I do desire to be a great developer and to develop something awesome, I'm wishy-washy about how well I think I do about my own work.

I have successes and failures in my work. One of my failures is that I am not an artist -- and I think art is essential for good games. I'm just a half decent ideas guy and an OK programmer, though an absent-minded programmer at times.

Anyway, I just sit here, ranked rather decently on the O-Rank, and wonder if I really do deserve this height in O-Rank "celebrity". With 5 games published, maybe it has been earned.

Well, In the past month I've made a few sales and had a number of ratings and downloads --- and apparently that was enough to get one or two of my games into the top 100, top 200, top 300, and yeah, I'm just ranking pretty well.

I look at this website where people were reportedly ripping off my book, and see in one week I had 630 rip off downloads.

How is it that there are hundreds of people who are aware of my work, who would all download it by nefarious means, and I don't see much in the way of sales or honesty?

Surely, I do have to wonder if my actual sales aren't being totally reported to me.

I can see clearly I'm getting more and more famous, but without the reported income I start fantasizing that because of all the welfare I've received that the government is secretly taxing me or something, that maybe I'm actually helping my people in some great way. I would want to believe that, because it's just depressing if the economy really is so bad that hundreds of people really can't pay 99 cents.

Life is like a dream, it's been a while, but sometimes I've wondered if I actually died and went to some sort of heaven that just resembles what the old life in an old world looked like.

if this is just the same world with some new differences, that's cool, but, well, reality doesn't totally make sense to me sometimes. Maybe I'm a little crazy.

Sorry, I guess I'm just rambling or babbling about my surprise at being "successful" in a very "pathetic-seeming" way. Maybe this last paragraph is all this post is about.

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