Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Obsessed about church

You know what's too bad? The way when I grew up in the LDS Mormon church how they made me obsessive about learning and studying their religion --- I left the church long ago, but I am still obsessed with it.

I still remember when my old LDS bishop told me I was required to forgive the Liabilitys. (fake name).

These days I just sit here and wonder::::: What exactly did he mean when he said I should 'forgive' them?

You see, the real world makes it clear what forgiveness is: it's when you pardon, let off the hook, don't feel angry about, an offence/offender.

But experiencing the mormon life and looking at their books and scriptures:: I am getting VERY confused.

You see, in D&C 64, when "the Lord" tells us to forgive, he clearly isn't referring to the general world definition of forgiveness because he clearly states in his definition that you CAN BE ANGRY at a person you forgive and YOU CAN PUNISH a person you forgive.

In Mormonism, as seen in D&C 64, punishment and anger have nothing to do with forgiveness. The rest of the world defines forgiveness as an absence of punishment or anger, but the Mormons believe forgiveness is altogether something different.

Mormons say you are required to forgive, or else you will be punished for a crime worse than the original offence.

SO:::: It's obviously VERY important to forgive::: but if forgiveness allows punishment and anger, then what exactly do the Mormons mean by "forgive" anyway????

Spencer W Kimball in his book about forgiveness made two thoughts clear to me:: 1) Forgiveness means forgetting and 2) You remains friends with the person you forgive.

I mean, the rest of the world says "forgive AND forget" while the mormon prophet says "forgiveness IS forgetting".

Anyway, if I have to still be friends with the Liabilitys as I forgive them, that's kind of hard because the Bishop told me not to talk to them anymore, so that's not what forgiveness is. Either the bishop was wrong, or forgiveness has nothing to do with continued friendship like Kimball said it did.

So, forgiveness IS forgetting is the last definition of that word that I can remember as it has ever been defined as.

Well, if you are required to forgive every little bad thing that ever happened in your life, that means your brain is probably going to fall out of your head or something I'd say.

Basically, unless you have something like schizophrenia or alzheimers, you will probably not actually forget something that happened.

I have schizophrenia, and even I have memories of things.

Anyway, apparently, as I have understood it, just remembering an offence makes you guilty of a greater offence which the Lord WILL condemn you for, as I have understood the religion.

And I wish I didn't become so obsessive over all this, because it's all such complete garbage and I shouldn't be worrying about it. I just happen to be obsessed over complete garbage now. The church told me they were the one truth, they made me obsess about their beliefs, and then it turned out to be complete garbage. Hmmm.

Well, it's clear in D&C 64 that mormon forgiveness isn't anything like forgiveness in the rest of the world.

That's kind of like how the Mormons will say "We're not racist", when it fact it's very clear that their scriptures, as defined by the Avril Lavigne fan club, are actually EXTREMELY racist.

They claim about themselves to not be racist, but then their actual beliefs in their actual scriptures can clearly be deemed as being very racist.

So I have no idea. I regret growing up with this church, not that it was my choice. And at the end of my life I'll probably regret that I stayed so obsessed about it for so long when it was actually just a waste of time.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A Rather Interesting Dream Last Night

Well, I often ask God what he wants me to do with my life, and usually he has nothing to tell me but last night I had an "interesting" dream.

I dreamt last night that I became a woman --- I dreamt that I got a sex-change.

And when I woke up in the morning, a scripture or statement by Jesus was clear on my mind: "If thine eye offend thee, then pluck it out." Matthew 18:9

You can read Matthew 18:7-14 about that one.

That was an eye opener - usually the religious community as I've seen it is very against such changes to the body, but this dream went full-charge into sex change and I woke up in the morning with a quote from Jesus on my mind.



Actually, to be truthful, in the past I have considered becoming a Eunuch, or getting castrated, but my parents weren't supportive of that idea. But I have thought about it lots. Not quite sure I want a "full change" though.



Yes, it is interesting to note that I'm not allowed to masturbate in mormonism, I'm not allowed to marry a girl who likes me either apparently, and when I talk to my parents about getting my testicles removed (to stop the masturbation) that's apparently not allowed either.

No idea.


Anyway, in the dream, for some reason, there was a person who said to me "Do you want to learn white magic or black magic?"

In the dream I selected white magic, and then I was taught two supposed sorts of "spells".

Not sure why that was in a dream about getting a sex change, except that someone out there might think this dream were from the devil.

I don't know.

But, it did seem to have some scriptural basis in a quote from Jesus.


Although, the scripture in Mark where Jesus says the same thing:: apparently Joseph Smith changed that scripture. But he didn't touch matthew.


Well, I hope I'm not offending anyone I shouldn't be by writing this.

I'm just stating a fact of what I just experienced in my sleep and waking up:::: I slept with a dream about getting a sex-change, and I woke up with a quote from Jesus that says you can make surgery on your body to make yourself less offensive.

And something in the dream about magic. So::: Was that really what GOD wanted to tell me? :)

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Hard Earned Cash

I was feeling pretty pathetic about being on disability welfare, seeming to be unable to make any money besides the money I get from doing pretty much nothing.

But, I realized, that how I am unable to earn much cash by actually doing things is fueled by one or both of the following concepts:

1) The economy is in such bad trouble that most of these hundreds of people who look at my stuff can't pay the small 99 cent price I ask for.
2) I'm disabled, and my brain doesn't work, so therefore my work is likely to be pretty crappy, or in other words, I haven't done a very good job, no matter how hard I tried, and no one will pay me the smallest price for my efforts.

So, either no one has money to pay me with, or I'm just not worth even that small amount of cash, or a combination of both.

I'm thankful for my disability welfare, but I'm not as disabled now as I once was, and I feel pretty pathetic that I've been unable to earn much from my "best" effort.j

Well, I have to admit, througout the history of my life I did make a lot of mistakes, doesn't matter that I was the smartest kid at school for so long ---- I failed in a number of ways.

Some of my failures I couldn't help but fail at considering my circumstances, but for some things I wonder if I should have known better.

Life is so confusing.

But anyway, yeah, I've tried to get myself kicked off welfare - but for whatever reason people didn't want to pay me the smallest price for my efforts.

It's too bad.

Anyway, maybe people hate me --- with all my one star ratings and the failures of my life, it would be no wonder if people hated me --- but I can take peace in Luke 6:26, where I can know that it's actually a good thing that people say they hate my work.

People hate the truth, they hate my best effort, so on and so forth. Jesus says that's good for me.

So, either no one has money, or I really am disabled and therefore have earned my disability welfare.

OK then.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

An Odd Circumstance of Waking Up

After I wrote last night's blog post about how reality doesn't even make sense to me, I listened to music, then went back to bed, and woke up in the morning with reality making even less sense.

I went to bed wearing my clothes or pyjamas as any normal person would wear their clothing.

But when I woke up, though my arms were still through the armholes or sleeves of the shirt, my head was not in the neck-hole of the shirt, somehow my body and head had exited the covering of my shirt while I was sleeping leaving only my arms covered by the sleeves.

????

That makes no sense whatsoever, and I have no memory or idea of how that happened. I was very well rested in the morning.

It reminds me of hearing about alien abduction stories where the abductee wakes up in the morning wearing the wrong clothing.

I don't know what happened, but "reality doesn't make sense" stands after that. No idea how my head and body got out of my shirt while my arms stayed in, while I was sleeping. No sense at all.

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I was also reviewing more Youtube videos discussing various aspects of my old religion, the LDS Mormon Church.

I can say I am so ashamed of having been a member of that church, and I am so ashamed of letting that church deceive me so badly.

I am so thankful to people like Shawn McCraney and others who clearly show how that church could not possibly be the truth it claimed to be. Now I know better, now I've walked away.

But, I am ashamed for having joined that church and being involved in it for so long. I didn't even serve a mission, and I essentially left the church before I was even 20, but I am still ashamed of having been involved with it.

When you are 8 years old and getting baptized into mormonism, you don't really know what the issues are. When I got baptized - I had never even heard of polygamy.

It's just so shameful.

But, realizing that there is such a thing as a lie and deception, I suppose maybe some day I might get over my mental handicap about getting married, if I can afford to get married.

Just because some whackjob from the church years ago thought i was going to hurt the girl I loved -- that never meant I actually ever had any desire to hurt her, which I never had any desire to do so as I remember.

As I go about my business in the day, I see women around me smiling at me. It's too soon to say if I'll ever find a woman, but I do see how girls do seem to invite me to be friends with them or whatever.

I've had so much experience with girls being somewhat interested in me, and maybe it is just my brain problems stopping me from proceeding.

Yeah - the church was completely off, and i shouldn't let even their false accusations of past control my life anymore.




I'm the kind of guy who kind of needs Youtube to be a sort of support group for me when letting go of mormonism.

My dad listened to me talking about what I thought and experienced, and he's been able to let go of mormonism real easily, he doesn't even like hearing about the church he's so annoyed with it.

My brother also seems to realize something is wrong with the church, and he just listens as on occasion I've told him some of the issues.


My mom and sisters however::: inasmuch as my mom should be the smartest person in my family with all her degrees and everything she should know and understand, somehow my mom and my sisters still attend the LDS church and practise it, claiming belief.

I think it's very sad, that the women of my family haven't figured out the issues, even if I've had some time to try and explain some things.



But, I can now say that I am so thankful that I started having "overactive hormone" issues after my grandmother died in 1998. It was so hard for so long having those issues in the church, but I think I'm free now, I think the deception was being shifted towards being thwarted because I had overactive and uncontrollable hormones.

So, thankful for sexual problems, got me off the wrong path.


And that's all, just my thoughts about my shame for belonging at the church, my joy that the men of my family understand, and the sadness and confusion at how the women in my family haven't figured it out.

I'm so confused about reality

Being mentally ill, it's no wonder I look at my efforts, my life, my sales reports, the internet, and feel very confused about reality.

I like the OUYA. It's a fun toy to play with, and for me as a developer, it's a dream come true. I hope my relations with OUYA stay friendly, I just have little bits of paranoia and suspicion about why my recent updates were rejected. Hopefully the twitter feed that announces new updates and games on OUYA was indicative about the actual problem when it mentioned a 'PHP issue', which I know nothing about. I hope PHP is being an issue, and not that people don't like me.

I know people might not like me, it's not hard to guess that someone will look at my work and have a problem with me, my life is just so screwed up. But I'm trying to move on, past a crappy childhood, past my crappy twenties, and hope to enjoy good thirties. Hopefully my thirties are good, and I can leave the crap in the past.

But anyway - I like the OUYA - it's fun to develop for. I have 5 games on OUYA. As I looked at the O-Rank this evening, I noticed that my games are ranked pretty decently on the system.

I'm guessing this is because I have two games on the OUYA Discover Store Front Page. Though I do desire to be a great developer and to develop something awesome, I'm wishy-washy about how well I think I do about my own work.

I have successes and failures in my work. One of my failures is that I am not an artist -- and I think art is essential for good games. I'm just a half decent ideas guy and an OK programmer, though an absent-minded programmer at times.

Anyway, I just sit here, ranked rather decently on the O-Rank, and wonder if I really do deserve this height in O-Rank "celebrity". With 5 games published, maybe it has been earned.

Well, In the past month I've made a few sales and had a number of ratings and downloads --- and apparently that was enough to get one or two of my games into the top 100, top 200, top 300, and yeah, I'm just ranking pretty well.

I look at this website where people were reportedly ripping off my book, and see in one week I had 630 rip off downloads.

How is it that there are hundreds of people who are aware of my work, who would all download it by nefarious means, and I don't see much in the way of sales or honesty?

Surely, I do have to wonder if my actual sales aren't being totally reported to me.

I can see clearly I'm getting more and more famous, but without the reported income I start fantasizing that because of all the welfare I've received that the government is secretly taxing me or something, that maybe I'm actually helping my people in some great way. I would want to believe that, because it's just depressing if the economy really is so bad that hundreds of people really can't pay 99 cents.


Life is like a dream, it's been a while, but sometimes I've wondered if I actually died and went to some sort of heaven that just resembles what the old life in an old world looked like.

if this is just the same world with some new differences, that's cool, but, well, reality doesn't totally make sense to me sometimes. Maybe I'm a little crazy.


Sorry, I guess I'm just rambling or babbling about my surprise at being "successful" in a very "pathetic-seeming" way. Maybe this last paragraph is all this post is about.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

My Mental Illness

I am considered mentally ill. For a long time, I didn't accept that, but as time has moved on I've come to whole-heartedly accept the diagnosis that I am suffering from severe mental issues.

With everything I've been through in my life, there is no escaping the simple fact that it's all so messed up that I can't help but have a broken brain after having gone through all that garbage.

It's not really my own fault that I'm mentally ill, as I have understood.

But mental illness is a very big problem in the lives of the sufferers and those around the sufferers.

Though it is true that my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia was considered a wrong diagnosis by a nurse, that was only after it was discovered provably that the church really did try to give me miracle powers, and after it was completely explained that I really was being prosecuted based on false allegations.

Paranoid schizophrenics have persecution delusions, meaning they feel they are being so hated while this is actually not true.

In my own life, it turned out I really was actually being falsely accused and persecuted based on false allegation, therefore the diagnosis of "paranoid schizophrenia" couldn't stick.

But, I am still considered schizophrenic, or schizophreniform --- and whatever the case may be, I read on Web MD that schizophrenia, the problem I suffer from, is the most serious and severe kind of mental illness -- as I read on Web MD.

Is mental illness contagious? Personally, I think it might be, not because of chemical interactions between people - but because of social interactions between the mentally ill and the mentally healthy.

Being around crazy people might drive you insane - I believe this because this is what I feel is what happened in my own life.

I'm sorry if I'm just a big nuisance with my massive brain problems ---- but in the past months or year or what have you, my doctor has told me that I am showing big improvements, I'm getting better.

This is good.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm so messed up, or have been so messed up. But it's not necessarily my own fault that I've been so messed up.

I have determined one big reason my brain got so messed up is because of my involvement with LDS Mormonism, with how my parents were baptized shortly after I was born and how I grew up in the religion. I could go on forever on this subject. Just know, that this church really isn't actually true, it's a big lie and a sham, and it helped drive me to be mentally ill. I believe so at least.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Being Considered a Threat to Her Safety

I was going to not reveal this information publicly until my next book's release, but I already know that I'm either going to have no readers for charging money, or I just won't make money, so I feel like publicly stating a historical piece of information from my life here right now:::

Annie Liability was prohibited from talking to me by her parents. My bishop told me not to talk to her anymore.

But she and I did still exchange a few emails anyway ---- It was actually against freedom laws to prevent us from being friends with each other, as she and I were actually friends and I cared about her.

Anyway, in one of her emails from a long time ago, and I STILL have this email, she told me her parents were taking action to actively protect her from me, like I was considered a threat to her safety.

That's right:::: Though she herself did not consider me a threat, her parents considered me to be a violent threat to her safety, that I should have no involvement at all any more in her life because of how much of a threat I am to her.

Anyway, I'm just going to say right now that this is either one of the biggest reasons or THE biggest reason why I will never marry or have a girlfriend or have any form of sexual contact with another human being ---- I have been perceived as threatening, as an individual, and therefore I can not be trusted around any girl I might like or love.

There you go::: I WILL NEVER REPRODUCE THANKS TO THE PARANOIA OF ANNIE LIABILITY'S PARENTS.

Annie herself, in her email, did not consider me a threat. I did not consider myself to be threatening to her either, I loved her and I have never wanted harm to come to her. In fact, I tell God I want her to win the lottery.

Anyway, in The Number 23, Fingerling kills Fabritzia, Sparrow kills Tollins.  This is merely artistic caricature extrapolation based on false allegation by Annie's parents.


I NEVER considered myself a threat to Annie's personal safety in any way shape or form.

The closest i got to being threatening to her was when Avril Lavigne wanted to be my girlfriend and tell the true story about what happened, when the Holy Ghost told me to be with Avril. That is the worst it'll have ever gotten for Annie herself.




So yeah, I am no stranger to being defamed and punished on false charges.


The church said Annie's parents HAD TO BE/were REQUIRED TO BE FORGIVEN.  That's great, I just don't understand why I couldn't be forgiven for the little things I did actually do wrong myself.



So yeah, I am considered a threat to the girl I loved, and as such I will NEVER have a loving female companion and will NEVER reproduce.


Personally, I'd say someone is just delusionally paranoid about me, but that didn't stop the defamation and prosecution based on defamation.


My heart actually is broken believe it or not::: the LDS church told me I'd be sealed to a companion of my choice, but the two girls who ever actually wanted me were strictly prohibited from actually being with me.  And now I have no one - and will never have anyone.


Final question::: DID YOU EVER HURT ANNIE??

NO - I NEVER TOUCHED HER. I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP HER FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF. ONCE SHE GRABBED MY HAND - BUT THAT WAS HER TOUCHING ME, NOT ME TOUCHING HER.



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The only way her parents could legally break me up with her according to the UN rights of a child are if I posed a threat to her safety.

She was forced to not talk to me (which she did actually disobey), and I was considered a threat, but I wasn't actually a threat. I loved her.

In this way, I'm like Kyle Jacob Flinch from The Number 23 movie, being jailed for a crime I did not commit - believe it or not.

Saw a White Light again

OK --- I probably get to "upset" about white lights appearing too easily, but this one was different.

So many times in the past, I'd see white lights in my darkened bedroom -- but so many times it can be easily assumed to be the headlights of passing cars or something. Maybe.

Perhaps I've been a little paranoid, having been LDS and having stories of the angel Moroni appearing in Joseph Smith's bedroom, I don't know what the actual truth about all this is, but I've been very quick to notice white lights and lights being where lights shouldn't actually be.


So, this early morning, between 2am and 2:30am, I was laying in bed, sleepless, and prayed to God a bit about "God, what do you want for me in life? What do you want me to do?"

I eventually got out of bed, grabbed a drink from my bar fridge, and headed upstairs to make sure no one left the TV on overnight.

I drank some of my drink, and then put that in the upstairs fridge for another time. Then, surrounded in darkness, I headed back down the stairs.

I stepped down the top half of the stairs, down to our front door, and reached a landing. I turned around to head down to the basement and my bedroom.

And that's when I saw it.

A BIG BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT!!!!!! (I am not joking).

But, this big bright white light, having been discovered by me, quickly disappeared as suddenly as I discovered it, leaving me in the darkness.

I mean --- that just doesn't happen.

Most of my white light stories are when I'm laying in my darkened bedroom, but this one appeared to be white and bright and filled the downstairs landing/library with its brightness, and as soon as I realized what I was seeing it just magically vanished and disappeared.


That is so strange. Was it GOD? An angel? A Ghost?  What could possibly explain that big bright light I just saw moments ago??? There were no lights turned on down here.

It was there, and then it was gone. I saw it.

It most definitely was not headlights from a passing car - that would be a probably wrong explanation here.

It was something. Very strange. Freaky. And interesting to note considering the recent deaths of two LDS apostles and how I see my own life relationship to that.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Disappointments

So, I improved my update to Pfhonge to make it work the best I think I can make it work - and submitted it to OUYA,

and today I got an email back from them saying they're rejecting it because the purchase dialogue doesn't come up when they press U or Y.

So, I had a look at my game again. Nothing about the purchase code changed between versions, and I actually am using OUYA's own suggested code ---- and nothing is wrong as far as I've found.

My program works, as near as I can see, and if there is a problem I'd say it's with OUYA's code or with their server --- but I have never seen the problem they stated.

So, I have been given yet another bogus reason for why my game update has been rejected.

The game update is supposed to improve experience on the MOJO --- maybe Razer (OUYA's new owner) doesn't like MOJO? Or maybe not?

I might have some mentalistic ability, but it's beyond me to exactly say why OUYA has rejected my two updates for essentially bogus reasons.

It does, however, remind me of my book "The Eagle's Sore".

I just want to remind everyone that The Eagle's Sore was actually a depiction of complete bullcrap and wasn't meant to be imitated or mimicked. The book really does just describe complete crap actually. Any basis in actual reality? Yes --- but it is heavily fictional as well.




Anyway, talking about The Eagle's Sore, there's another disappointment I can talk about::::


A week or two ago I found a website where people were illegally ripping off The Eagle's Sore. They said in one week they had 630 downloads of the book.

If that claim -630 downloads in a week- is the truth I am amazed at how much interest people have taken in my work - yet also amazed that people are or seem seriously unable or unwilling to pay the ~$0.99 Amazon Kindle price I ask for ---- or the ~$10 paperback price.

I mean, all these hundreds of people want my book, but none of them can actually pay for an actual copy? Wow -- the economy really must be in the pits if this is how it is.

I extrapolated 630 downloads in one week over 52 weeks and then calculated how much I'd have made if they honestly paid for the kindle ebook. It's a lot of money. I would've appreciated being actually paid, as well as I'm sure the government would have appreciated the subsequent clawback on my AiSH benefit.

Well, the other day Amazon sent me an email saying I could try a giveaway --- where some lucky people will get a free copy of my book.

So, I decided to give away 10 copies of the eagle's sore.

I got 335 respondants. 10 free books given away. And I paid for it.

Basically, it might be too soon to know if any of these 335 people actually decided to purchase my book if they didn't win one the 10 freebies, but it's amazing how people will come to take a freebie in droves ----- and I also already know from experience that even though they'd take the book in droves if offered for free, that they are completely unlikely to be bothered to pay the smallest price for it.

But I hope I'm wrong, we'll see what the reports say.


So yeah, life's a bit disappointing from time to time I guess. I think I'm handling it pretty well right now, just calmly talking about it on my blog.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Math/Numerology in my Head

OK, so I was just doing some numerology in my head regarding the deaths of L Tom Perry and Boyd K Packer.

In my original 2 letters to Avril Lavigne from several years ago discussing the death I was praying for - the death of Body K Packer, I was planning some numerology that involved the number 66 and was supposed to involve Christmas Day.

Well, GOD has evidently come up with a much more elaborate way of saying something than I originally thought of.

OK ---

So we know L Tom Perry died on May 30th 2015, or 5/30/2015 --- in a past blog post I show how his death can be numerically related to a D&C scripture that talks about printing books for the education of children, making me feel special about The Book of Finch.

And we know that Boyd K Packer died on July 3rd 2015, or 7/3/2015 --- my sister's birthday and the day before USA Independence Day. I also just looked at wikipedia and discovered he became president of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles on February 3rd 2008, 2/3/2008.

Well, at this moment I'm not aware of any more scriptures to be involved, but here are some interesting numerology number theories I developed while laying in bed thinking to myself:

5 30 2015
7 3 2015
7+5+3+2+0+1+5
= 23
2/3 = 0.666

Also:
5 30 2015
7 3 2015
7+5 3+0+3 2 0+1+5
12 6 2 6
12/2 6 6
6 6 6
666


WOAH!!!!!!


I didn't even know about this before hand! I only just figured it out!!!


The most I had on my mind before hand was praying to God about 66 and Christmas Day a number of years ago, and I wrote about it to Avril Lavigne.


What GOD actually did is FAR MORE ELABORATE!!!!


Wowzers.



So::: this either means that the LDS church is the church of the devil, or the devil killed the apostles.

I'm gonna think this means the LDS church is the church of the devil ---- but I know some LDS people will think of the latter aforementioned option or reason.

Wow!


ADDITIONAL:::::

I was just poking through my old documents and found 3 letters I sent to Avril Lavigne regarding my prayers about the future death of Boyd K Packer. They are dated November 12th 2009, November 28th 2009 and December 30th (or January 6th) 2009/2010. The numbers indicate the specialness of the number "66", and Christmas Day. They also indicate my doubts that God would actually listen to my prayers:

But one thing can be clearly understood as I look at my old mail:: I must've been seriously disturbed or something. Perhaps, I went through so much crap in my life, such as my classmates trying to hypnotize me to do things that i really shouldn't, that I was just so messed up.

I will also note that I probably sent or send Avril too much mail. I actually sent so many other people so much more mail than I sent her, but even so it's probably a bad thing that I write so much. I write people I feel I am most familiar with. And I have a lot to talk about, and with my messed up life, I end up being a broken record that talks about the same things over and over again.

I felt comfortable with Avril because in her music she practically claimed to be in love with me --- I'm more like her Sk8er Boi than anyone else I've ever heard of. No one else I've ever heard of has laid claim to actual similarity in life experience as well as I have, as far as I know. Therefore, I felt really comfortable talking to Avril ---- but, unfortunately, maybe I was talking to her too much.

But anyway, I did discuss my prayers about Boyd K Packers death in late 2009, and the number 66 being involved.

Now look what has happened.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Am I a BAD Developer??

I'm obviously not that much of a professional developer because I didn't finish my university computer science courses,

and it is good or at least something that I am even developing::: Almost anybody COULD develop for OUYA, but I am one of the few ~1000 who actually have, and I have 5 games on the system to boot.

I'm glad and thankful that I have some development know-how and I can do SOMETHING-----

But I am not much of a professional developer. I keep making mistakes. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

It's absolutely pathetic how many mistakes I've made over my time developing videogames for OUYA. Just pitiful.

Like, Yesterday I got all happy and proud of myself because I managed to make a fix for Pfhonge on OUYA. Great. It worked. Or seemed to work.

But when I later tested this fix again today as I sat down to try and play some Pfhonge with my Dad - I discovered that the fix worked ONLY PART OF THE TIME!!!!

Accck!!!  A fix that fixes only half the time?? What did I do wrong?????

So, I've fixed up my game again and now, upon re-testing the even newer version --- NOW it FINALLY seems to work right. Fingers Crossed.



I've felt pathetic about how much I send my favourite people email or messages or whatever. I even write on my blog a bit too much perhaps.


But now I'm feeling a bit "too ready" to submit updates to OUYA.

The QA team at OUYA probably has a lot of work to do sorting through all the new games and updates, and it's absolutely pathetic how, with my 5 games and the updates, how often I've been submitting updates. A sign that I might be a bad programmer. And socially inept.


Luckily, I don't think the QA team even got to reviewing 2.0.10 today, which is good because now I'm up to 2.0.11. I feel kinda sad that my original submissions aren't good enough even in my own eyes and I'm having to make updates myself. Yikes.



I mean, for how long now has Pfhonge been on MOJO and always had these horrible problems? I didn't even get a MOJO for the longest time -- I just assumed the game would work as well as on OUYA. I was wrong.


But the reason I didn't have a MOJO wasn't because I was lazy -- or maybe it was sort of --- it was because I've been in debt and trying to pay off that debt and couldn't quite afford a MOJO.

In the past months I finally managed to completely clear my debt, so I finally bought a MOJO after I developed Blaine Bananatree.

I should have bought the MOJO before submitting Blaine Bananatree. Oops.

Another little thing to note is I think OUYA might be poking some fun at me for my mistake in the "How to play" screen of Blaine Bananatree.

I originally said that "LS is look and RS is move." They then told me I was wrong. I then blamed my mistake on dyslexia and fixed the problem.

I've been wondering if there has been some "fun poked" at me about this. I think there might've been. But it's understandable, although I do know when I wrote my instructions it is true my brain wasn't working at full capacity.


Maybe a brain that doesn't work at full capacity is why I might be such a bad programmer.


My brain has a bad habit of doing that ---- Last night I wanted to read a book or a magazine, but commented on Twitter that my brain turned off and I was not having the attention span to read.

Maybe my brain really doesn't work properly. Too bad for me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Another Apostle Dies

So, just over a month after the death of LDS Apostle L Tom Perry on May 30th 2015, apparently President Boyd K Packer, the president of the Apostles, died (on July 3rd 2015).

I only just found out. Not even my mom told me, though she knew.

Um.

Did I ever pray for him to die? Yes. Avril Lavigne got a letter about that once, where I said I was praying for him to die, but then I stopped.

I prayed for him to die on Christmas Day.

Something different has obviously happened ---- he died the day before USA Independence Day, which is also my sister's birthday (and if any tally from my childhood counts, my FAVOURITE sister's birthday).

OK then.


So every single apostle I have ever individually prayed for to die is now dead. Every one I individually named in my prayers to God as someone I wanted to die has now died. And then there are a couple more on top of that which I didn't pray for.


PLEASE NOTE::: At the time I was in a state of madness over how the church claimed to be the one truth, yet it obviously wasn't so truthful, and I didn't like that. I was upset, I would say, when I said those prayers.


I'm actually kind of feeling sad about this. In the past few months I've been feeling remorseful about my classmates hypnotizing me to do things I shouldn't, and I've been sad about all the people who have died in my story. And then this happens.


I wasn't continually actively praying for him to die, and if God did exactly follow my prayer it wouldn't have been July 3rd.


So:::: is there a greater intelligence behind the deaths of these two recently deceased apostles?


Is it God, or is it the Devil? What force is dropping these men?


I try to pray to God, so from my perspective if I prayed to God for him to die, then it was probably God that killed him.

But if the God of the Mormons is actually the Devil, then who knows what is going on.



So, L Tom Perry died in date numerology coincidence with an LDS scripture that talks about printing books.


A bit over a month later, Boyd K Packer dies on my sister's birthday, the day before Independence Day.


I am kind of saddened by this. I don't believe in Mormonism anymore, but I think I managed to reach a part where I stopped wanting to cause trouble for these poor people --- and then this happens.


Hmmm.


It's a good thing I called my game "Blaine Bananatree" instead of Boyd, calling him Boyd would not have been good here.


Yeah, it is a little sad to hear this happen. What intelligent force could it have been? Was it just a coincidence?

Mood Swings

I must be suffering from mood swings, I'm a real psychological mess I guess.

Last week, when OUYA rejected my two updates, well, I was tired, busy, and going on vacation, so maybe I was a little abrasive by removing my games from the OUYA store for a few days.

But a problem was I wasn't quite sure how to fix Pfhonge, and I still don't know how to duplicate OUYA's problem with Blaine Bananatree except to say that maybe they are having a controller lag issue or something.

Anyway, I was in an emotional slump over this, combined with another 1 star review for my book, and yeah, I was feeling like a "loser" because I couldn't figure out the problems, got 1 star on Amazon, and wasn't totally sure if I really did a good job on Blaine Bananatree.

Blaine Bananatree does what I want it to do ---- but it's not exactly HALO or DESTINY.

or at least, my update does what I want it to do --- but OUYA rejected that.

Anyway, I was in a slump. Emotional or psychological pits.

But then came a mood swing.

Someone bought a game, I got a good rating, I figured out how to fix Pfhonge, and now I've had a positive mood swing into sheer joy and happiness.

I must be on disability welfare for some reason:::: These swings in emotion probably aren't right.

Feeling ultra low, then feeling pretty high.

Of course, there is environmental stimuli influencing these feelings, but the mood swing can be a problem if I'm being overly abrasive.

Basically, I was having some psychological problems, and I can only hope I didn't come off as too abrasive when I was in my low period.

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I get people from numerous countries visiting this blog, whether it be because of videogames, a history of Mormonism, or a love of Avril Lavigne. Not sure where I'm going with this statement now.

Well, all you people who visit my blog::: there are a number of you in numerous countries. There. :)

Fixing OUYA's Valid Complaint

So, OUYA did have a valid complaint when they rejected Pfhonge.

Upon restarting Pfhonge on most occasions, the game would open to a black screen on MOJO. This needed to be fixed.

Well, for the past week or so I've been feeling like a loser because I had no idea how to fix this problem. I've also felt like a loser because I've never seen OUYA's problem with Blaine Bananatree and have no idea how to fix it.

But, at least for the time being, I AM NOT A LOSER ANYMORE!!!

I actually managed to figure out how to fix Pfhonge so it works properly on MOJO!! No more black screens upon startup!!

Now the game works perfectly. So happy.

As far as I see or know it's perfect, at least.

Monday, July 13, 2015

OUYA might be dying - or else my information is wrong

I've reactivated my games in the OUYA store --- after coming back from a short vacation, I was able to think somewhat more clearly again and decided to try and be less abrasive by putting my games back up on the store.

Pfhonge will go back to it's last approved version and remove MOJO availability.

I will try to get the new version of Blaine Bananatree out because OUYA's last rejection made no sense to me - I've never seen the problem they've had.

These two 'updates' pending OUYA's approval.

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But the real reason I'm writing this post is because, having made my games available again, it is or seems clear that either OUYA is going out of business, or I'm not getting very good information.

Blaine Bananatree has about 30 downloads, 9 ratings (one or two of which are 1 star) and two people have bought it -----

----- and it's ranked 86 on the O-Rank as I write this.

?????

I mean, this, compared to past games I've released, this is a complete dearth of gaming activity on this game, yet this game has achieved the highest rank any of my games have ever achieved!


With the least success I achieved the best rank.


That means OUYA is having little to no business and is going out of style fast. OR

OR it means I'm just not being told the complete or actual truth.


It seems most likely that OUYA is running out of customers.

But my hopeful mind would want to sell hundreds or thousands of games.

And my paranoid mind would wonder where all the money is going if it's not being reported to me.


Would OUYA lie to me about my downloads and sales? Either they're lying to me and aren't telling me the actual good news in my reports,

or business is so bad that a game with less than 50 copies distributed and only 2 copies purchased and with 1 or 2 one star ratings out of 9 ratings has achieved 86/1135 on the O-Rank.



I would tell OUYAFORUM about this, but I don't want to visit there anymore after the negative press Air Defence received.


The one indication that should say OUYA is alive and well is all the people OUYA and Employees follow and are followed by on Twitter. Hmmmm.

Well, that's the whole point of this post:::: Either OUYA has run out of business and is therefore likely to completely run out of steam, or I'm just not being told how popular my game actually is.

No idea.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Bad Fame

If it wasn't for Avril Lavigne's bit of psychotherapy in my life, I might've never tried to be famous in any way shape or form.

Isn't it amazing how I tried to tell the true story of my life as I saw it, and all I get are people hating on me because they don't like the actual truth or whatever their problems are?

I just told the truth. That is the truth as I see it, explained best I can.

And people just hate it. I guess that one movie had insight when it said "You can't handle the truth!" Can't remember the name of the movie though.

So, maybe it was a mistake to try and publish things. I tell the truth, and people hate it.


The latest review for The Book of Finch says it's not a Christian book - that it's a Mormon book, that the priests and prophets are false.

1) It's a book about Mormonism, but it's not exactly pro-mormon in nature.
2) It should be seen as a conversion to actual christianity.
3) I'm kind of confused about if the writer of the review even read the book - there was no amazon verified purchase tag on the review.

So, though my book is a book about my experiences with Mormonism ---- that somehow makes it non-christian, even though it doesn't exactly look kindly upon the Mormons.


I get the idea that maybe there's just someone out there who doesn't want people to read the truth of my book --- they want to keep what I wrote hidden and un-read.



So, I guess I can't write a book about my experience growing up with Mormonism without being accused of being not-christian.


If the reviewer actually read the book, they'd see I've probably converted to some form of actual christianity by now.


OH well, there is no cure for stupid.


And all these one star reviews invariably mean that people aren't going to read my book. How disappointing --- I thought it would be good if the truth were known. People don't like the truth I guess.




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As for being an OUYA dev, OUYA still hasn't responded to me about the issues I see with their review of my game.

I like the OUYA, and I like developing for the OUYA ---- but blaming controller lag issues on my game programming doesn't exactly impress me to want to continue.

OUYA said Blaine Bananatree's main camera was spinning uncontrollably, and essentially told me to fix that.

Well, that's never been a problem in that game on my end, and therefore it's probably not my programming doing it ---- but I can and do suspect it's a controller lag issue with their hardware.


Well, if they want me to fix an issue with their hardware, that's so senseless that I'm not inclined to continue OUYA-ing.


I do kind of wish to continue with OUYA ---- but blaming me for their controller lag (as I have understood the issue) is so dumb that I wouldn't really want to be around that.


Sorry if this reflects negatively on OUYA, but this is the truth of the situation, and maybe people just don't like the truth.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Phenomenal

So, I turned on Apple Music "what's new" (or whatever it's called) on my iPad and saw Eminem's new music video for "Phenomenal".

My brain has gone into it's paranoid little "The Number 23" mode again.

Apparently, the song for this music video is soundtrack for a movie called "South Paw", a movie about a boxer.


So, I've had a little drama with OUYA recently in my life.

Before OUYA was OUYA, they were "Boxer8", I think. First comparison.

South Paw? Left handed? I'm right handed. South Park. My "paranoid 23" mind also sees myself represented in South Park.


So, the music video takes place in an asian city, where the protaganist is running around kicking ass.

The ending he's falling from an exploding helicopter.

Sound familiar? If you read my books, maybe you'd see some similarity in these themes.



He sings "I'm phenomenal" ----- if I'm seeing this in relation to myself, it's nice to be recognized for how truly great my story has been. I wrote my book because I thought my life was truly remarkable. Unlike that one star reviewer who implied I was just anybody.


Anyway, it was funny because the lyrics of the song mention something along the lines of how "I'm a phenomenal legend, while your legend is to make a false allegation" (paraphrased) ----- yes, this too sounds familiar to my story.



Basically, my "paranoid 23" mind is going all blinky with this song and music video.  Just seeing relationships, coincidences, similarities and maybe familiarities.

Another lyric from the beginning of the song is "Unpoppable thought bubbles". Yay - reminds me of myself again.



So, whatever the heck is going on, with OUYA going all hay-wire on me and now a Boxer movie with soundtrack and music video I can seriously relate to ---- whatever it all means, whatever happened, I'm thankful my story appears to be having some of the true recognition it deserves as being "remarkable", or "phenomenal".

At least, in my "paranoid 23" mind.

I'm so glad and thankful I have a good psychiatrist

I am so glad and thankful I have a good psychiatrist, and today I'm glad I was able to talk to my brother (because my dad doesn't care to hear about it).

Basically, I have flashbacks. I flashback to various points in my life, and well, because my life has been so tormented when I was young, these flashbacks bring up feelings of torment.

So, basically, sometimes I just have strong recurring memories of horrible experiences in my life, and it brings back a flood of memories of all the crap I've ever been through ---- and it is like a torment. Just realizing that all through my life I've essentially been tormented in one way or another.

Anyway, it's just really great to have a good psychiatrist to talk to, because, basically, it's someone I can even just talk to. I was able to talk to my brother about it today, but the big problem that has often been a problem in my life ever since the beginning of my psychosis is that my dad will or would never discuss or let me talk about things with him, there was little intelligent value in trying to talk to my dad --- but if I talked to someone else, he would invariably get involved in the discussion if he heard it going on and shut down the discussion as soon as he can.

Anyway, having a dad who doesn't care to listen to me, it's just nice to have a doctor who does listen (when my dad isn't yapping to her even though she's my doctor), and today my brother was nice enough to just listen to the flood of memories that was tormenting my mind for a while today.

Anyway ----- Rather than talk about all the problems my psychology has on my blog, I'm just gonna say on my blog that it's real nice to have someone to talk to.

Life can be so tormented and the memories can be so clear in one's mind that it's just good to have someone who will listen. Yeah.

So, I'm thankful and grateful. :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Funny Thoughts

So, a few days ago I posted a screenshot on facebook of a website I found that was offering illegal free downloads of my book "The Eagle's Sore", and this website claimed that the book had 630 downloads in just one week, and also gave the book a pretty decent rating (out of over 100 reviewers).

So, I told facebook that if I forgive these people who have stolen my book, then I will be set free myself - as goes Christian theology.

But then just now I had some funny thoughts about what "forgiveness" might be interpreted to entail.

You see, in Christianity, and anywhere in the world you'd generally think of, forgiving these people means I just let them go and have no worries about how they've wronged me. Just let them go, let them off the hook.


But my mormon upbringing is strong on my mind, and I realized to a Mormon that me forgiving these people means that I can justly prosecute them at the same time, meaning I can call the cops or a lawyer or whatever and get them for copyright infringement, and still forgive them, which means I have to forget they ever stole my book or else I'm going to be punished for a crime worse than theirs.


Yes ---- very funny thoughts about forgiveness as I have learned it from the mormons.

Basically, it's a book that deals with forgiveness, and the way the mormons taught me to forgive is to lock 'em up, throw away the key, and forget anything ever happened --- that's mormon forgiveness, and to me now it just seems like such nonsense.

So yeah, though I would like to be paid for my work, there's really not much I can do about people stealing my year's worth of creative thinking.

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On another note, OUYA's recent rejection of my two game updates seemed so unreasonable to me that it reminded me of "Eagle Tech" from "The Eagle's Sore".


Here's a little spoiler and secret about the meaning of my book:::


When Eagle Tech reject's the dark elves' hard work and is really quite rude about it, the elves and the dwarf "forgive" eagle tech by invading their headquarters and stealing their treasury.

And then the Goddess' monks say Eagle Tech has to forgive the elves and the dwarf or face vengeance.


Now:::: In case you were wondering, one point of the book was just to illustrate how BS of a situation that is ------ Eagle Tech might've done something wrong, but to retaliate and steal their gold was NOT forgiveness, so it doesn't make sense how the Goddess' monks are forcing a forgiveness of unforgiving behaviour.


Basically, this book just illustrates some big problems I see or have experienced with stated Mormon doctrine, and in this case it's namely forgiving an unforgiver and then threatening to destroy the unforgiven if they don't forgive the unforgiver, even though it's the unforgiver who is supposed to face the greater condemnation.


And yes, I didn't clearly state that in the book::: it was just supposed to be 'meant to be understood'.



So, the one thing I'm gong to do for the time being about OUYA giving bad or frivolous or false reasons for rejecting my updates is removing my games from publication.  Seeing as how the expectation is on me to forgive, I should or would actually NOT mimic the dwarf and elves in my book and pay them a visit.


Basically, my book, "The Eagle's Sore", illustrates some complete bullcrap, and it's supposed to be understood to be complete bullcrap, and I did not intend for it to be repeated or mimicked.

There you go.

Mixed Messages from OUYA Community

I remember when someone on OUYA Forum reviewed my game Air Defence harshly and gave it a low rating, and I was shamed into giving the game away for free. Basically, it was considered a crime to charge a dollar up front for such a game.

(on a side note --- it turns out Air Defence is my cousin's favourite game of my OUYA games. Most people like the game --- the most negative feedback I ever saw was just that one reviewer, no one else was so negative about it)

Anyway, so I'm being shamed for charging a dollar up front for my game, and I am shamed into giving it away for free.



Well, yesterday one of the issues that the OUYA game update submission reviewer had with my game was that I charged $0.00 (free) for my Score Mode in Pfhonge.



Basically, OUYA Forum gave me a hard time for charging a dollar.   Now OUYA is giving me a hard time for giving away freebies.


I just can't win I guess. What am I supposed to charge?



Anyway, on a side note --- yesterday after I took down my games from OUYA, I was overcome by a great feeling of peace.   And then this morning I was feeling a great feeling of love.


Yeah --- somehow that's how my brain chemicals or spirit is reacting to this situation, just feeling peace and love, after some issues became present in my relationship with OUYA that seemed like problems.




Anyway, having written a book about my life, or anything from any book, I do wonder if any negative social interactions I have with people might result from someone not liking something I said.  No one has outright stated such to me, but I am paranoid about it.


Well, it's just sad that I face that kind of problem --- because all my life I've been putting up with evil siblings, evil kids at school, evil people at church, and when I write the book about it, I suddenly face more evil from people who don't like something. Very sad.  But, maybe that's just my paranoia.


Always something going wrong it seems.


In my locale, the firetrucks always seem to have to blare their sirens every day as they always seem to have to go rescue someone.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Parallels Emerge

So, I've tried to update Blaine Bananatree and Pfhonge.

OUYA rejected both updates --- and in my opinion, the reasons for their rejections were not valid.

I was really disappointed about this, so I pulled my games from publication (for the time being), and sent an email to OUYA about it.

But just moments ago, I realized something.

The Eagle's Sore.

The computer company in the Eagle's Sore rejected the elves' indie video game for very bad and even rude reasons,

and now I'm seeing OUYA apparently mimic that behaviour, from the company in the book.


First off ---- If OUYA read my book, I just have to note that I didn't get paid for it. If they bought a copy, the sales report never came to me.


Second off ---- I don't have a miserly dwarven friend to drive me down to their headquarters to pay them a visit, so it's not like I'm going to mimic the book in that way or anything.





But, just seeing a real-life-reality situation that seems to mirror the situation in my book is kind of funny.


But I'm also disappointed, because I expected OUYA to be leaps and bounds better than the computer company in my book.




To be honest, when I wrote The Eagle's Sore, I don't think I had even heard of OUYA, I wasn't a backer, even as I couldn't afford it and might not've heard of them.



I got into OUYA after finding out about them from stock market research, and my book had already been published at that time.


In that way, this situation is now comparable to the Xbox video game Alan Wake.



But anyway, though I'm practically out of debt now, I'm technically still in debt, and I can't afford to go to California. And even if I did go to California, I'm not sure what I'd do.


Was my book a stupid idea? The story is a little iffy maybe, but trying to sell that book was a good idea, because I learned that over 99% of the human race who has read it has been unwilling to pay the smallest price for anything I do.



I make more money from doing nothing and living on disability welfare than I do from trying to put forth an effort.



Anyway, it's kind of amusing and scary at the same time that I would see parallels between OUYA's recent behaviour and the action of the computer company in my book. Kind of disappointed about that, and wonder what the relationship could be, if there is one.


Yeah --- after so many people neglect to pay for anything and after being given a hard time on OUYA Forum and from OUYA ---- I just can't be bothered anymore, so currently my games are pulled from publication at my own behest.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Game Update hopefully coming and bemoaning again

So, I bought a MadCatz MOJO for my brother, to try my games on.

Air Defence works better on MOJO.
Doorless Darts works fine on MOJO.
Pfhonge is functional, but could use some fixes.
ICBM is not even available on the MOJO store, for any number of reasons I can think of I'm sure,

while Blaine Bananatree has some time clock counting issues that I need to fix on MOJO.

I put in an update for BB on Thursday night, but as of Friday OUYA still hadn't gotten back to me about it yet.

So, right now, BB is only available in the USA. As soon as I get that update out, I'll make it available worldwide again.

I'm switching from using counters, which are variable based on device clockspeed, to using timers, which are static time based time keepers.

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Now I am going to bemoan how bad my creativity sucks.

I was trying to be creative with BB -- trying to do something new, something more or less different.

And apparently it sucks.

Of the over 200 people who have seen or watched my game trailer, only about 10% of those people, probably a bit less than 10%, of those people actually downloaded the game.

So, though I was trying to be creative and do something new ----- bananas just aren't very interesting.

I feel like such a crappy game developer now. I can tell that I'm not that great at developing games. I like my games for myself, but there are a lot of other people out there who are more picky than me.

So, yeah, I suck at game development.

Considering all the millions of people who live in the western world, and how I'm one in about ~1000 OUYA game devs out of those millions of people, that might make me a little somewhat special in that I'm even capable or willing to develop video games,

but, it looks like I just plain suck at developing them. I'm not very good at it.

Personally, I like my games for myself ---- but that doesn't stop the unavoidable couple of 1 star reviews my games will always seem to receive from somewhere.

Either I suck or my games suck or both. I guess I'm just not very good at what I try to do.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Blaine Bananatree is now LIVE at midnight Canada Day

A few hours ago I received my email from OUYA telling me that my newest game "Blaine Bananatree" has been approved for distribution on the OUYA store.

I couldn't help myself, what with Canada Day being the next day.

My dad also tells me that June 30th was supposed to be ONE SECOND longer than most days, that the day was a leap second day.

So, the video I recorded of an online clock showing the time, and me publishing the game, didn't show the leap second, unfortunately, but if the leap second occurred normally right at the end of the day in Mountain Time then I just so happened to have published my game ON THE LEAP SECOND, and if it wasn't the leap second then it was the very first moment, first second, of Canada Day.

I took a screen video of this to prove it. Maybe i'll post it on youtube sometime.

Anyway, so, I've accomplished something by releasing a banana game on Canada Day -- the Canada day of the year where we canadians are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Canadian Flag.

Yay.

So, just an extra special moment for my new game.

ICBM was released on Xbox One Day One.

Doorless Darts was released as the 5th OUYA game of the year on January 5th 2015 at about 5pm. Yay.

I'm kinda like a guy who does this sort of thing I guess.

But yeah ---- if there is a legitimate leap second at the end of June 30th Mountain Time - I just so happen to have released Blaine Bananatree at that leap second.

If anything, I released it the very first moment of Canada Day.

Yay me.

Bah-nah-nah game on Cah-nah-dah day. Yippee.


ADDITIONAL:::

Blaine Bananatree is the 1131st game on OUYA.