Considering that I'm even capable of writing on a computer keyboard with ease and that I can write OK english and write OK computer code, you'd think I'd feel very talented, right?
In a way, I am kind of talented. But I'm very low-ranked on that scale I think.
Maybe part of it is having suffered from mental illness, maybe part of it is a genuine lack of deep creativity or artistic ability,
I just don't feel like I match up very well with others in the same business in me. There are many who have built better video games than me, and yesterday I was reading this sci-fi book and realized the author of that book was a better writer than me.
I'm not creative enough and I'm not artistic enough to be a good video game developer. Perhaps, due either to mental handicap, or auto-correct, or the darned typo-fairy, I'm not a very good writer.
I have some mentalism ability, but I'm really not all that great at that.
So, I can do some, I have some ability, but I suck at what I do. I want to improve, progress and get better, but I'm certain that's going to take time --- a lot of time.
Anyway, yeah, just bemoaning how inferior I feel compared to other people in the same fields as I.
There was a time when I felt superior, top of the class, best at almost everything. Times have changed (especially due to my mental illness).
An example of how I feel inferior as a video game developer is this::::
When I released Doorless Darts, OUYA suggested to me that I should create an AI for the game so you can play against the computer.
That is a good idea. And I even have some idea on how to go about doing that. BUT---
BUT in order to implement artificial intelligence into my game, which the AI itself I'm sure I could do ----- what I have difficulty with is making a choice between
a) Changing the basic way in which certain elements of the Unity Engine run,
b) Changing the way in which the basic core of my part of my game runs.
You see, I could write an AI for my game, but in order to play Player versus AI in the same game in Doorless Darts, I would either have to somehow alter the way Unity does things, or I would have to alter the way I do things normally in my game as they have been heretofore done.
And I don't really like either option.
If I had planned differently, if I had started work on the game with AI in mind, I could have done things differently in the first place, and I would eventually have figured out how to do AI for this purpose ------ but now, having a game that works as it does pretty well as it is, implementing AI would mean drastic changes to some of my code and how I do things.
And, not wanting to change that code, and not wanting to delve into changing unity itself,
I am unable, at this point, to put AI into Doorless Darts. And that makes me inferior. makes me feel bad.
Bright side of that story is I think I'm the only darts game on OUYA, and that it's still fun (IMO and experience) to play the game against yourself. Just throwing darts by yourself as both characters is something you can do, and I still find that fun for me. That's the good news.