Sunday, June 28, 2015

Confusion about Forgiveness

I was just thinking about how my old Bishop, Bishop Stevens (fake name) told me I had to forgive the Liabilities (fake name).

He told me I HAD to - absolutely must- required to - forgive them, yet he also told me at the same time to not talk to them any more.


This simple instruction from my bishop may be a BIG KEY REASON why I lost my mind and became so mentally ill.

You see, the Bishop's instructions were fraudulent. They didn't work. They were self-contradictory.

I think it's interesting that the bishop would force me on these instructions, like I have no personal choice in the matter, and then because the instructions are self contradictory that I would go insane --- and then they force me on drugs because I went insane from being forced to follow self-contradictory instructions.

I would say that's actually abuse.

You see, when you forgive someone, according to President Kimball (who wrote the book on forgiveness), never talking to the person you forgave is actually the opposite of forgiveness, and is actually seriously condemned.

The bishop told me to forgive, but gave me a specific instruction to not actually forgive at the same time.

What a bunch of baloney. And I went so insane from all the BS, that I had to be forced on drugs apparently. That is actually what I consider to be abuse.

It's just so strange to me that this LDS Bishop could clearly contradict his own church's doctrine and position on so many matters, especially forgiveness, and then he can't be criticized even though he criticized Avril Lavigne for being a rock musician and criticized me for having over-powering hormones.

Anyway, I was talking to my dad about this bishop's instructions, and another way it related in my life::::

My Bishop made it clear that we are required to forgive ALL MEN.  Yet he also, apparently, instructed my mother to scream at me like she was demon-possessed just because I was playing videogames on Sunday.

I mean, he said forgive everyone, yet he's told me my mom to essentially abuse me just because I'm playing videogames on a specific day.

My dad, in my talk with him, said her angry screaming about what I did was not actually opposite of forgiveness ---- that you can forgive and feel angry at the same time, according to my dad.

I am so confused.

Apparently, my mom was forgiving me when she screamed at me to turn the computer off, threatening to pull out the power plug,

and after I smashed up the missionaries' car they forgave me by locking me up, forcing me on drugs, and telling me not to believe in God any more.

I am so confused.  If the missionaries were forgiving me by doing that, and if my mom forgave me by screaming at me ----- then what is the value of forgiveness when someone who does something wrong is being mistreated and forgiven at the same time?

I am so completely confused at how the Mormons consider the definition of that word "forgive".

Because of my mom's screaming anger, that means forgiveness allows anger.

Because the missionaries locked me up, that means forgiveness allows punishment.

Wait a second ---- what if I was actually just being condemned on each occasion, and the church only just CLAIMED that it was forgiveness -- but was actually just LYING???

Wow ---- that would mean the church is supposed to face even greater condemnation than what they inflicted upon me.

They give instructions of requirement to forgive --- but then in their actual action and behaviour, they seem to do the opposite of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is apparently angry and punishing as I have learned in my experience with LDS Mormonism.

So crazy. I deserve my AiSH. I was driven mad.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

500th Post & New Game Trailer

Well, I guess I've had so many psychological problems and I write a lot, so this is my 500th post on my blog.

To celebrate, I will now present to you Trailer #1 for my new upcoming OUYA video game: Blaine Bananatree!

Friday, June 26, 2015

My Attempt at Being Creative

So, I haven't said anything on my blog for a while::: what have I done??

I looked at my most recent blog posts, and realized that these posts bemoan my lack of creative talent.

Well, in the past days I've tried to overcome that problem. I made a new video game.

My sister says that in her opinion, this new video game is my best video game yet.

It's also the most original ---- neither me nor my sister have ever seen any other video game like the one I submitted to OUYA last night.

Of course, this video game might remind you of something else in some other way, but the game itself is unique --- both I and my sister have never seen anyone come up with a game quite like the one I've made.

So now I can stop bemoaning my lack of creativity, hopefully. We'll see if anyone likes it --- as soon as OUYA gets back to me about getting it approved and published.

So ---- I was complaining about my own inability to do anything truly creative ---

but now I've done something at least somewhat creative --- it is totally unique, in that me nor my sister have ever seen anything like it before.

We'll just see if people like it and if it's considered to be 'fun'.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I'm too impatient and something good

So, when I originally reported that the best dictionaries amazon marketplace store had a drop of 2 in stock for Letters to Whomever, I wondered when or if I would ever see the sales in my reports.

Well, I think I was just too impatient.

No, the sales haven't shown up yet - if they exist - but seeing a sign of a sale and then immediately questioning if it will appear on my sales report is actually not something good about me. I should have been more patient. I should have been more optimistic.

Of course, that doesn't change how there's a dearth of book income and how I remember once AuthorHouse didn't report a sale to me that I had bought from myself, so there could be some justified paranoia about sales reports.

But, I'm a bit impatient.


And now for something good about the Mormons.

I'm going to try to fend off my great negativity towards these people because they aren't all bad. I don't believe in them anymore, and they aren't as great as they claim themselves to be,

but I have to admit that they do try to raise people to make good choices and to even learn to read.

Basically, there is a certain educational value to the Mormon church which is actually wonderful. I'm sure that much about it did me good personally in my life.

Just trying to say something nice. But no, I don't really believe in it anymore. Although, I don't deny experiencing apparently miraculous occurrences in or in relation to that church.


I guess I might as well bemoan my own personal lack of true creativity, my lack of artistic skill. It probably didn't help that I lost my mind, and it didn't help that I didn't complete university.

I just feel that I'm near the bottom of the heap of people who publish entertainment. I've got some ability, and to me myself in my own mind, I'm OK at it ----- but I don't match up nearly closely enough with all the "better" artists or creative minds out there. Just being a bit humble.

But, I guess I can still feel happy and blessed that I am capable of doing anything at all. I know that I am capable of at least something, which is more than most of the human race, so I guess I'm OK then.

I just wish I was smarter, better, or more talented.  :)

Friday, June 12, 2015

I made a mistake

I just took down a pretty useless news story I put on my blog:

1) I said my brother had relayed some incorrect information to me a while back and that a youtube video had contradicted him.

I just looked up this information on line in a quick google search and found that my brother was actually CORRECT and TRUTHFUL in what he said.

Maybe I just misinterpreted the youtube video or maybe the relatively new youtube video was giving old information pre-this-event-occuring.

2) I was praising how great socialism could be on the blog post I just deleted, but today on Facebook someone posted something else that could be useful information that might negate "too-much-socialism" if followed properly, MAYBE.

This Facebook post wasn't necessarily the absolute gospel truth either, but I just thought that it made a point when it said redistribution of the wealth wasn't necessarily the best answer in all cases, because there are some personal habits people need to develop or learn before they should or would really become wealthy.

But I do still kind of think it makes sense to help the poor, because sometimes people are too poor through no fault of their own (like when I was growing up - it wasn't my fault my dad didn't have a job, I don't think so at least).

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Lying to Children

So, today my Dad and I were out together, we were taking my niece to school.

My dad stopped at a store and went in for a while, while I was left in the vehicle with my niece.

My niece asked me: "Uncle Kristian: why don't you go to church?"

What what I supposed to say? I told her the truth: "Uncle Kristian doesn't believe in the church anymore: the church says they're the truth, but Uncle Kristian knows they lied. They lied to Uncle Kristian".

That is the short version of the conversation. Basically, I told told my niece that LDS Mormonism wasn't actually true, regardless of how much they say it's the "one truth". I also told her that she's probably too young to understand all the information, and that I did agree that there were some good things about Mormonism.

My dad came back to the vehicle. We drove to her school and dropped her off.

When my Dad and I were alone I told him that my niece had asked me why I don't attend church, and that I told her it's because I now know the church isn't actually true, that it's a lie.

My Dad didn't like that.

My Dad was expecting me to just tell her that I had bad experiences in the church and that's why I don't attend --- not to completely outright deny the faith.

Well, personally, I think my sister isn't doing my niece a service or any good by propagating a myth and delusion, essentially telling her untruths about life the universe and everything.

In my own personal life, I KNOW that being brought up in Mormonism and constantly being told it was the One Truth didn't really do me any good in life, telling me to believe in it so much when it actually was completely false was completely wrong for me in my own personal experience of my life, so of course, I figured the morally right thing to do was to answer my niece's question with the actual truth: that I know the church isn't really true - that the church is actually a lie.

Anyway, my Dad explained to me, as he has done on many occasions, that he doesn't even know or understand what the meaning of the word "true" or "truth" is. My dad, going all these years in Mormonism, being told the LDS church was the one truth, has apparently never actually known the actual definition of "true" or "truth".

I've tried to explain to him that "true" is based on reality, based on fact, not fiction, that it's not something someone just made up, even in their own imagination. I've tried explaining that to my father, but he apparently doesn't understand.

It's also true that, as I've seen it, my dad has never really understood how to define the word "forgive" or "forgiveness" either. But that's a different topic.

So yeah, my Dad is expecting me to knowingly lie to innocent children.

My Dad tells me she's supposed to grow up believing in mormonism, but that she's supposed to find out the actual truth for herself when she becomes a teen or adult.

Well, I don't agree with deliberately lying in most situations, and seeing as how she asked me why I don't attend church, I didn't want to lie and I think it's perfectly OK for her to find out the actual truth before she gets baptized.

My dad tells me if her parents find out it could mean real trouble -----

But seriously, when I got baptized I had NOBODY telling me the opposing viewpoint against mormonism, and that didn't do me any good I think, I would have wanted to know the actual truth at that age.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So I told her the truth.

Isn't it amazing how this, the "one true church" is an organization where you actually get in trouble for telling the truth? So very sad.

So yeah, my dad wasn't expecting me or wanting me to tell her the actual truth, even though she asked me and I don't believe in lying.

But seriously, maybe that's what the word "mormon" refers to, when you are like my dad and don't know how to properly define little words like "truth", "true" or "forgive". That's why you are called a "mormon". But my dad doesn't even understand that much.

So sad for me.

My dad thinks propagating the myth, no matter how much I can provably explain to him how it's wrong, he thinks propagating the myth, that deliberately lying to children is correct and that you are only supposed to let them find the actual truth when they get older.

I know that being told this church is the one truth and making me believe in it so delusionally didn't help me personally in life, so I don't agree with doing that to the children I have contact with.

And if you're an adult and you really do believe in Mormonism, then there really might be an issue that has to be dealt with (in your head or brain or psyche).

So yeah, apparently I'm expected to deliberately lie to the children, but I go against that on personal principle and integrity.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Now it's obvious something really isn't right with my reports

Well, Amazon has let me in on a little secret this morning:::: sales reports can be total bollocks.

I logged in to my Amazon KDP to see what kind of sales I've been getting.

Note::: for a very long time, no one has actually ever paid me for a book. They only take freebies. And the last two paid sales I had both got refunded to the same day (the first paid sale was LTW and the 2nd was Aftermath --- I think someone just didn't want me to have my money).

Anyway, according to the following screenshots I took just within moments of each other this morning, one screenshot reports 3 free downloads in the month of June, while the other screenshot reports 4 free downloads in the USA in June.

Both these reports can't be true because 3 != 4, either it was 3 or 4, can't be both at the same time. There's something wrong with the reporting, according to what Amazon just told me in these reports:

Obviously, you'd think I'd want to get paid for my work. It's sad for me that someone can't be entirely trusted, whichever source of information is wrong.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Email from Women

OK, so for at least the past few weeks I've been getting like, daily, email from people who claim to be women who want to talk to me.

They are using some sort of flirting or dating website in order to send their messages to me, and for various reasons I'm really not inclined to sign up for this site - at least at this point, yet.

The site, which I've hardly looked at - appears to be like a "hooking up" site, if you know what I mean.

Well, to be honest, now that I'm 30 years old, women are a lot less interesting to me. Though there is the odd occasion where I wish I could have a girlfriend or wife or whathaveyou, most of the time I'm perfectly content to be single.

It's kind of hard for me to get dating when I don't feel I'm rich enough to date or do anything of the like - especially when I can't even afford to drive my own vehicle.

As for affording things, I think it's pretty clear from looking at various pages online that I AM SELLING BOOKS ---- either I'm selling books or there's a great deal of dishonesty out there, or people rip me off or people always get refunds ------ because I am pretty sure I do sell books, but I don't see the sales reports. I emailed Lulu about that today. Who knows what will happen there.

So, yeah, I'm kind of flattered that there'd be all these women wanting to chat with me, but I'm not about to do it through such a website as of yet - or at all. And even if I did chat --- I'd be completely unlikely to actually date or do anything beyond email with an individual.


The interesting thing to note about all or a lot of these emails of women who want to contact me is that these emails are being sent to an OLD email address I practically don't use anymore.

There are really only two contacts I had with that email address I can think of who would write to it, and one of them isn't likely to send a bunch of women my way.

I talked to the ballerina girl a long time ago with that address. But she and I don't talk no more, and I don't think she'd be trying to hook me up like this either.

Of course, that's also the email address I used to join the Avril Lavigne fan club originally. That seems like a possibility that it might be Avril or her fans or something.

The last possibility is that, since this email address doesn't resemble my own actual name, is that someone else has handed out that address either by error or deliberate.

But at this point as I see it, I think it's MOST LIKELY that it's actually something to do with Avril Lavigne's fan club, all wanting to talk to me and flirt with me or something. I think. maybe. It's the most likely explanation.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Where to go? What to do?

All kinds of questions about all kinds of facets of my life.  All kinds of wonderings and complainings I could whine about ----- but I don't have a lot of people in my personal life who I can really talk to, much less offer good information.

What should I do? Where should I go?

I've got ideas about things I can do next with my life, but I am very limited because I don't have much money and I've NEVER BEEN ABLE to afford to drive a vehicle.

You kind of need to drive a vehicle to do so many things in life, as I understand, but I was never able to afford a vehicle, so I can never do those things in life, which means I can't afford it again. Vicious cycle. The cycle gets worse when you add the fact that I've had huge problems in life and mental illness.

So, I looked at some Youtube Videos of some people who have great success selling books on kindle.

And I sit here ----- seeing the likelihood that I really do have people buying my books, but then noticing that I'm not getting paid or seeing sales reports.

Yeah. Maybe there's a reason for that. Why do I feel like I'm getting screwed over in life, every step of the way?  It starts out very young, when your siblings can't be bothered to be nice or get along ----- and it just grows and grows all throughout your life as people are constantly behaving like total dicks at you until it gets to a point where you write a book about it, and then you aren't allowed to be paid for your sales.

I guess the purpose of my life is just to take crap from people, different people, over and over again. It all just keeps coming. Over and over again having to put up with someone's BS, and I can never really be allowed to be truly successful, even if I put in all the effort in school and really tried hard all my life until I suffer a breakdown from all the crap and am mentally and emotionally unable.


So yeah, wondering what to do with my life, where to go. I have some ideas of things I can do, but it's not much.

The real limiting factor for me is being unable to drive my own vehicle ----- and I've never been able to drive because I've always been so poor.

At least my mentalism is picking up.

In past weeks I've had some great success in testing with computer electronics, and in just the past few days I've had some pretty good results in human-to-human testing.

So yeah. Maybe I will eventually get to the point where I could work as a mentalist of some sort, doing something. I actually really seem to have gotten better recently, and I swear I'm legitimate at it. I'm not the best, I'm not perfect, but I think I've gotten better.

yeah. I could write another book, maybe, but I already know that chances are dismal that I'd get paid.

So yeah. I'm reliant on Alberta's AiSH program ------ but it's not enough to get me driving or owning a house, and that really limits me.  And for whatever reason, I'm not getting paid when I try to sell books or video games, so I still can't drive and I'm just really limited.

And yeah, perhaps a reason why I can't get paid is because of all the bullcrap I've been through in my life ----- it starts very young as your siblings refuse to get along and be nice, and it just grows and snowballs through life as everyone seems to behave like complete dicks and you can never do anything or accomplish anything despite being the hardest working student and getting top grades, and you just end up suffering a break down and then you're screwed and you're not getting paid for your book.


Friday, June 5, 2015

I Feel Under-Talented

Considering that I'm even capable of writing on a computer keyboard with ease and that I can write OK english and write OK computer code, you'd think I'd feel very talented, right?

In a way, I am kind of talented. But I'm very low-ranked on that scale I think.

Maybe part of it is having suffered from mental illness, maybe part of it is a genuine lack of deep creativity or artistic ability,

I just don't feel like I match up very well with others in the same business in me. There are many who have built better video games than me, and yesterday I was reading this sci-fi book and realized the author of that book was a better writer than me.

I'm not creative enough and I'm not artistic enough to be a good video game developer. Perhaps, due either to mental handicap, or auto-correct, or the darned typo-fairy, I'm not a very good writer.

I have some mentalism ability, but I'm really not all that great at that.

So, I can do some, I have some ability, but I suck at what I do. I want to improve, progress and get better, but I'm certain that's going to take time --- a lot of time.

Anyway, yeah, just bemoaning how inferior I feel compared to other people in the same fields as I.

There was a time when I felt superior, top of the class, best at almost everything. Times have changed (especially due to my mental illness).


An example of how I feel inferior as a video game developer is this::::

When I released Doorless Darts, OUYA suggested to me that I should create an AI for the game so you can play against the computer.

That is a good idea.  And I even have some idea on how to go about doing that. BUT---

BUT in order to implement artificial intelligence into my game, which the AI itself I'm sure I could do ----- what I have difficulty with is making a choice between

a) Changing the basic way in which certain elements of the Unity Engine run,
b) Changing the way in which the basic core of my part of my game runs.

You see, I could write an AI for my game, but in order to play Player versus AI in the same game in Doorless Darts, I would either have to somehow alter the way Unity does things, or I would have to alter the way I do things normally in my game as they have been heretofore done.

And I don't really like either option.

If I had planned differently, if I had started work on the game with AI in mind, I could have done things differently in the first place, and I would eventually have figured out how to do AI for this purpose ------ but now, having a game that works as it does pretty well as it is, implementing AI would mean drastic changes to some of my code and how I do things.

And, not wanting to change that code, and not wanting to delve into changing unity itself,

I am unable, at this point, to put AI into Doorless Darts. And that makes me inferior. makes me feel bad.

Bright side of that story is I think I'm the only darts game on OUYA, and that it's still fun (IMO and experience) to play the game against yourself.  Just throwing darts by yourself as both characters is something you can do, and I still find that fun for me. That's the good news.

Monday, June 1, 2015

I just found out that L Tom Perry died.

So: I just found the report that says Elder L Tom Perry of the LDS Quorum of Twelve Apostles died on May 30th 2015, last Saturday.

What are my comments, if anyone cares to know?

1) In the past week I did have an idea that I could pray a special prayer to get rid of an apostle for something like 5/25/2015, because:

5+2 5+2 0+1+5

yes ---- I had the thought that I could pray for that, but I didn't.

And with how Youtube started recommending videos to me about murder and horrible crimes, I couldn't help but wonder if something had happened, and yes I had some idea that I should check and see if anything happened ---- but I didn't, I've had false premonitions before.

Basically:::::: NO, I did NOT PRAY for this man to die. I did have thoughts about something possibly happening, but I didn't really listen to them or pay them much attention.

So, any funny number codes can I derive from this one?

5/30/2015 ------ 5 3+0+2  ---------- 55.

OK, so the number 5, 2+3, is evident.

30 and 20 are also here, so there's a two and a three.

You could look up D&C 55, but I'm not sure where the 15 fits in here ---- the section is only 6 verses long ---- verse 6 probably isn't it because it's not relevant to much I think.  Verses 1-5 are all kind of interesting.

The only one that sticks out to have any meaning to me is verse 4,  which might be 5-1 = 4, although that is a bit of a stretch.

Anyway, D&C 55:4 is about PRINTING BOOKS.  Wow.  Books for educating children.

Nope, I don't think I thought of this one before hand. I really didn't. I remember having an idea that I could pray for something to happen, but my numbers were different, and I decided against it anyway.

So uh yeah -------- Let it be noted that Youtube has been recommending 'scary' videos to me about aliens, murder, crime, suicide, curses, all the scary stuff you really don't want to hear about ------- and as such I did wonder if someone died and I'm being blamed.

Did I pray for this? No.  If I were to have prayed for an apostle to die, it wouldn't have been L Tom Perry. And though I did have thoughts on the matter in the past while because of my own funny numbers I thought of, I decided not to pray for it. And these are numbers I didn't make up before hand,,,,,,,

And it's just interesting that the closest D&C Section 55 scripture I can see that might have any relevance is D&C 55:4, which says something about PRINTING BOOKS for educational purposes.

Actually, that's amazing.  I mean, there does appear to be some kind of magic or intelligent force in LDS Mormonism, but I am so amazed that it would so blatantly drop another apostle just to, so it seems, prop up my book, a book about related issues.

No idea.

Yes ---- I am a little confused, I've been finished with Mormonism for a while now and though I now have a hard time believing in it anymore, I have wondered what kind of intelligence caused those miracles, or the patriarch to give good guesses about my then-immediate future.

OK ---- so there is intelligent mystical force in mormonism I think, I just don't care to bother with the church anymore. I really can't be bothered anymore.

Nice to know the God of the Mormons (or whatever this was) appears to have created a message that might be interpreted to tell people to read or print my book.

Actually, on the evening of May 30th I bought a copy of National Geographic for $6 on my iPad to read ----- and the next day I thought it was amazing that I could spend $6 on an ebook so easily, while so many people will only take my work for free and can't be bothered to pay the smallest price.

Maybe Jesus is just being fair and saying the church should have paid me for my work instead of completely ignoring everything I've said, or at least only taking freebies but no payment.

Anyway, yeah, I guess "God" is upset that people haven't honestly paid me for my book, and maybe that's why this apostle died in concert with magical numbers that when matched with D&C 55 says books need to be printed for educational purposes.

Just amazes me how much people can't be bothered to pay me a cent.  This church claims to want to help the poor, and though I am on welfare and will never be able to afford my own house or a vehicle to drive, the church's millions of members can't be bothered to offer me a dollar each.

Anyway. Whatever.


I just want to note that in the past week I also had thoughts about meeting up with Jesus again, wanting to talk to him.

When I was at the psychiatric clinic on May 27th, in the psychiatric hospital I saw a man who I thought resembled Jesus Christ, except he looked a bit too young.

Yes -------- Either the guards at the hospital were having me on and they had some guy who looked remarkably similar in appearance to Jesus Christ at the psychiatric hospital, or somehow Jesus is pulling his magic tricks and appeared to me. And I noticed. For a moment.

No idea. Either reality is every interesting, or Jesus makes reality different for me personally.

Basically:::: At the psychiatric clinic on May 27th when I was in the waiting room I did see an old white bearded man who might think looks like "God" in accordance to some artists' rendition, but I thought nothing of it, thinking it was just a coincidence.

And then I also saw, momentarily, a man who looked like Jesus Christ in the psychiatric clinic.

The man who looked like Jesus Christ was actually being wheeled in a wheelchair through the clinic and being guarded by security personnel ----- as if he were a dangerously insane person, although the outpatient clinic is a strange place for a dangerous person under guarded supervision to appear, especially since they appeared to be taking him away from the nearby Cancer Treatment Centre.

Anyway, yeah------ I recognized the man looked like Jesus, but also thought the Guards might be playing a joke on me.

But it's also true that there is absolutely 0 reason I can think of why they would have a dangerous-wheel-chair-bound-Jesus-Christ-lookalike in the outpatient clinic, if he were dangerous, as was indicated by the way guards were guarding him seated in a wheelchair, he would have been in a lock-up unit ---- not the outpatient unit.

Anyway. No idea.  Yes, I had thoughts about praying for a death which I completely ignored, yes i had thoughts about meeting Jesus Christ again, and yes I saw someone at my psychiatric clinic who looked hilariously similar in appearance to Jesus Christ ---- but I thought it was a joke by security.

So yeah:::: The Jesus I saw just days before this Apostle died was being treated like a dangerous crazy person and was under the watchful eye of at least a couple security guards.

And then an LDS apostle died. Ok.  And the secret message appears to be about "printing books".

If only people took more interest in my writing, and even maybe paid me for what I've done, so maybe I can move on in life.

I'm easily willing to spend $6 on a National Geographic magazine on my iPad, but most people, the vast majority, won't even spend 99 cents on any of my work. So much for Elder Holland's address saying the church should help the poor.