Thursday, May 28, 2015

I had to apologize twice

OK ----- so maybe I have some psychological problems still.

There were two occasions in the past two weeks where I was talking to my family within my household and two people in the house seemed to lack trust or faith in what I said.

The first issue was a money issue, and, paranoia is blamed for this, I was being treated like I was untrustworthy on this money issue.

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that church leaders could truly do and say the wrong thing and can't be criticized, while I'm being criticized for a potential problem that wasn't necessarily true at all and didn't as yet exist.

Anyway, I got so angry at this member of my family, for his criticism for a problem that didn't exist and his lack of faith and trust.

So, I got angry, it was mild compared to past times when I'd get locked up in hospital ----- but I ended up feeling bad about my angry outburst so I, later that day, apologized.

But then, just last night I was talking to another member of my family about some point of fact I learned in a Youtube video I had watched, and this family member immediately seemed to doubt, started immediately questioning the validity of the factual claim made by the Youtube video.

The lack of faith and trust that this family member expressed in a youtube channel that really had no reason to lie, the lack of trust in something which I myself saw no reason to doubt ------ well, that kind of ticked me off too ------ I got angry with this family member as well.

I suppose I should mention that this family member double checked the youtube video's fact, and the fact turned out to be reportedly true.

So::::: I'm getting angry, essentially, over issues in my family where there's a lack of trust or faith. I feel bad that I'm getting so upset so easily ----- I think I'm wrong because of my angry reaction and outbursts towards these family members and their disbelief in people's honesty, so yeah, if there's anything I'm worried about myself at this point is that I'm getting angry too easily again. My anger is very mild compared to past outbursts, but I still don't think it's good.

So I'm just admitting that I have a bit of a problem.

Also note:::::: It's just so sad that we live in a world where people's outright honesty can't be trusted because of all the lies that go around all the time.

Yes ----- there are so many issues of trust and falsehood in our world, and it's just so sad that the truth can't be believed because so many lies get passed around too easily. Very sad.

But I shouldn't be getting angry. I feel stupid about that.

And yes, I apologized to the second family member as well.

Monday, May 25, 2015

How much should I give to her charity?

So, I'm hopefully going to be completely debt free very soon, and I told Avril's foundation about that in my last donation and said they could expect more from me at some point in time --------

But I am really confused about how to continue with this friendly relationship.

At some point last year I started giving The Avril Lavigne Foundation a small monthly gift --- and now that I'm getting out of debt, i wonder if I should give her some more.

Part of me wonders if she's sick of hearing from me and if I should just leave her alone,

While another part of me realizes that she probably doesn't get too many donations (if what I understand about debt situations and markets are correct) and I would want to brighten up her day every month with a gift.

I'm just really confused with myself about exactly how much I should give her or how I should be dealing with her now.

I really appreciate Avril Lavigne in my life and I would want her charity to succeed, so I would want to give her something.

But my family-tax at home is also increasing and I won't be able to give as much as I wanted to originally.

Of course, considering what I can give to Avril, and how much it would be worth to her compared to how much she has, versus how much it would be worth to me with my smaller bank account....


Basically, I'm just trying to be Avril's friend, to make her feel loved, but I'm not sure there's a right way, I'm not sure there's a right choice I can make.

I wonder if I would offend her to give her nothing.

But I wonder if I would offend her to continuing to get in her face with donations.

Basically, the amount that I would want to give her in order to be really friendly with her isn't going to happen anymore due to family taxes at home --------

So - yeah --- I'm not sure I have a good choice when dealing with her now.

I considered myself telepathic with her, but now I'm stumped because

a) I should leave her alone more, I have little real business in her life ---- but this might offend her also,
b) while if I keep giving her friendship, she might get offended that I'm not leaving her alone.

I've tried asking GOD for help on this issue ---- at first God was telling me I should give her more money, but on Facebook my friend thought she had enough of her own money.


I'm in a tough spot here.

She's one of my most favourite people in the world, and I don't want to make relations with her worse, but I don't know exactly what I can do about that. If I can't give her the bigger amount I originally thought I would, then I don't really have a good choice to make.

Do my donations brighten her day --- or is she frustrated seeing me regularly appear? I'm actually not sure --------

She sings her songs like she's in love with me, if she didn't sing those songs then I'd ignore her, but she does sing those songs, and I'm the closest match to the guy she says she loves that I know of so that attracted me to her,,,,,

but I also wonder if I shouldn't hang around trying to buddy with her so much --- even as she's married.

After all this wondering in this document about what I could do ------ I've come to a conclusion that I feel emotionally comfortable with ------ the one that feels right at this moment.

Unfortunately, that's not saying anything useful because in the past week I've had different levels of support for her that I also at those times thought I was comfortable with.

But ------ if I can't really impress her with a large amount of money every month (because of my new family-tax) ------

Then what I'm thinking is maybe I should keep my levels of friendship and support at the same old level as before.

Going half-way-higher at this point doesn't make sense because it would be a bit expensive for me, but would yet be unimpressive to her at the same time.

The best option I think I have is to be of little expense to myself and just showing her some friendship, while maintaining a position of unimpressiveness at an even lower level --- but nothing will have changed though, so it seems like the better choice.

I wish I could have said that better.

Dunno. If I keep my donations at low levels ---- maybe once in a while I can give her something more sizeable. maybe.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Showing Off

Hey Guys

This is just a little post to show this screenshot of me playing my Alphanumeric Pick 3 computer game I wrote for myself recently.

A day or two or three ago I fixed some bugs in the calculation of the odds, so now I think It's working right.

In this screenshot, we can see a couple of the 1/3's I got, in order and out of order ---- I started this testing session getting 1:12 right off the bat, and got 1:12's and 1:36's every second or third guess.

But the last guess is the real gem of this screen shot, I guessed 399, and the computers original numbers were 9I3, so I achieved 1:216 odds.

Yeah. Just gloating.

I think last night or whenever I could think of things I might want to say on my blog, but I can't remember anymore, so I'll just leave it where it is with this post of gloating. :)

Saturday, May 16, 2015

On OUYA's Purpose for Developers

Personally, I was hoping I could write an OUYA game and sell enough copies, get paid, and then pay off my credit card debt and get rich.

But, like selling books, I've found that it's actually incredibly difficult to actually make or get sales in OUYA. People are just ultra-stingy.

I read somewhere, probably on, that the purpose of OUYA for developers was to get poorer or less known developers published on a console platform so they could maybe make the jump to PS4 or Xbox or whatever.

Personally, what I found is that if I wasn't gonna make money selling my own games, one thing I could have done, if I had taken the opportunity, was get a job.

Being published on OUYA actually attracted certain entities to offer me jobs. It was all very cool and flattering, but for various reasons I didn't take any offers.

I mean, it's clear that the big corporations were aware of me::: I got as far as being asked to beta test triple-A titles and being offered jobs.

Anyway, here's where I either failed or slipped up or, in other words, just didn't follow through on what was asked of me:::::::

1) There are any number of reasons why they stopped asking me to beta test, but to me it was difficult to beta test all the time because, well, I spent a lot of my time living my life in other ways. I just didn't want to sit at my computer or console and game all the time. I am probably just a casual gamer at this point in my life (which is another reason why I love the OUYA).

2) I didn't accept job offers because I'm comfortable where I am and lifestyle change might be too drastically outside my comfort zone ------ and if I did accept the job, I would hate to fail, and knowing that I don't have a full education or skill set really raises the possibility of failure, here's why:::

a) I have never learned to drive a car. I can't even afford to pay insurance on a car. Anyway, I grew up sooooo poor that I never really got an opportunity to learn to drive and I could never just transport myself places ----- having the inability to transport myself safely and quickly really doesn't help me. If I had obligations to a company or corporation ---- I just might want to have a good mode of transportation available to me in order to achieve whatever I'm trying to do.

b) I didn't even finish my computer science degree in university. Heck, I didn't even get past the first year. For various reasons, including mental health problems, I neglected to get a full education. I know it would probably be a very good idea to be a  fully trained computer scientist before I try working for real money at an actual company. It's one thing for me to do my own project and publish it myself --- it's another thing to take a corporation's money as a wage and then not have the necessary skill set to actually do a  proper job.

You know how I sort and list the various countries from weakest to strongest in ICBM???  The ONLY reason I knew about how to do that is because in the one semester of CPSC I did take in university, I LEARNED about sorting.  It's things like that which I would want to pick up from actually going to school.

So, I didn't go to school, i didn't complete my education ---- but it is true that the big guys were interested in me --- what then?

So, like I said in an earlier post, I'm thinking that once I have the funds available that I'll go to the bookstore and buy books about trigonometry and calculus, and try to learn or re-learn these mathematics.

If my brain has recovered enough from the mental problems I've had ----- then maybe I might go back to school, I think. Maybe.

Anyway, in the end, getting the actual degree might take quite a bit of time, considering my mental health and how schedules go, so I wouldn't hold my breath to see me working at a real company developing video games.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Alphanumeric Pick 3 in Python

Hey Guys:

So I grew concerned that running my alphanumeric Pick 3 game on my Apple II wasn't producing truly or even close to producing randomly generated text sequences::: so I wrote a script that does much of the same stuff, but better, on my Mac Mini in PYTHON.

Between the opening of the program and the "exit" commands I've entered, I never changed the script and was running the same program each time.

The first guess "ajw" and the winning "4AQ" was my first run of the script after having finished developing the script.

So, basically, what we see here is me getting good guesses, even 1:216 odds, within the first 4 tries.

Then a bunch of subsequent tries after that all completely failed, except for a couple eventual tests that I did that don't appear in this screen shot.

Well, guessing that well is happy, I guess. Dunno. Makes me happy, to beat really low odds. Over and over again.

It's kind of crazy.

But yeah, this post is just to say that I wrote a new script on a newer computer, the results should be closer to random, and I've already started showing some good ability in the first few tests.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

When should I stop?

Hey Guys.

I might be getting a bit "hyper" here.

So, this screenshot was taken 3 hours ago, I had just turned on my apple II with my disk inserted, I ran a catalog to see the programs I had put on my disk, I started my Alphanumeric Pick 3 game, and then on my 3rd try in the game, while the catalog was still on the screen, I got 2/3 in the right order, achieving 1:1296 odds.


In the video I took of this screen, I think I suspected or wondered if the RAM in my Apple II was functioning properly.

Basically, recently I've been doing really-way-too-very-good at these telepathy games. You do kind of have to wonder if the computational devices are functioning correctly.

What are the chances that I'm being haunted or there's some poltergeist about? I think there might actually be a chance of that actually ----- earlier this week I watched a youtube video, which I favourited, of poltergeist activity on security cameras. The next day, for no reason at all my light fixture on the roof of my bedroom fell down and the lens on the light fixture smashed into the floor and broke. It immediately seemed like it could have been a poltergeist.

There is a bit more evidence of possible ghostly activity ---- yesterday when I was at my sister's house, we heard the doorbell ring. Where I was standing, I, and my sister, had a clear view through front-facing windows that there was nobody out front, that there was nobody in the front yard even, yet we all heard the doorbell ring.

So, what does this happen to do with my telepathy testing? You just kind of have to wonder if there's a ghost that tells me the answers, or if there's a ghost which is, behind the scenes, manipulating the computer memory.

I had another experience doing these computer tests which is really strange and interesting to me, but I felt very compelled to not take photographs, and even now as I write I feel compelled to not tell you what I experienced. It's like mind-control at this point making me keep a secret about some strange phenomena I noticed.

I'll just say that either the Apple II random number generator isn't really very random at all, or there is some kind of memory problem or a ghost manipulating the memory. Those are my possible suspicions. And yes --- I still feel compelled not to tell any details.

So strange.

But yeah --- after barely having started to test this morning, I beat extremely steep odds --- again. So. yeah. Photographic evidence and all.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

My Growing Telepathic Ability

Hey Guys.

So, yesterday I started work on an alphanumeric pick 3 game for my apple II.

This morning I managed to fix the bug where "K" was almost always the answer.

And after fixing that bug, having found my program to function as I would expect or hope it to - I went through several rounds with it.

What did I find?

I found that hearing a thought-voice telling you the answer works a lot better than just guessing.

Thought-voices aren't always true or accurate, to be honest, sometimes they are downright misleading ---- but in today's testing I found that there's this thought-voice in my head that's decently good at giving me the right answer, the right result.

This is a photograph of my Apple II's monitor, after a thought voice told me the right answer twice in a row, allowing me to beat statistics at a 1:1296 level.

I had only done less than maybe 10-20 tests after getting my program to work, and I immediately found that a voice in my head could tell me the right answer twice so I could get 2/3 in the right order in one Pick 3.

So, after getting dressed and going for a walk, as my mom showered I sat on my couch playing Telepathy 0. I asked GOD to get that voice to come back to me, so I could score a 10-streak on the Telepathy 0 iPhone game.

Well, the voice did come back ----- but it only took me as far as a 6 Streak.  That was very pleasant, very nice, and it's just very interesting to see that a voice in your head can and will give you correct answers.

So, maybe some day the voice will talk to me truthfully enough, correctly enough, accurately enough, to get me to a 10-streak. I can only hope.

So yeah, there. Happy. That voice is actually real and it exists, and it tells me the right answers on occasion.

I don't think I'm at an Amazing Kreskin level yet though. He's still better than me.

UPDATE:::::: 7:19PM

I'm not going to post any photos or screenshots about what I'm about to say because my photos are spread across different devices, and the computer I'm using is still uploading my photo and video library to the cloud so it's not taking downloads, and well, at this moment I don't have everything in one spot so I just won't post any pictorial evidence here for what I'm about to say but, here we go:::

So, I was working in my sister's back yard for a while, then I came back to my place, and sat down at the Apple II for some Alphanumeric Pick 3 testing.

I found that I was good at getting 1/3 answers in the wrong order approximately every second test, sometimes a few tests in a row. So, I'm not completely super-skilled, but I did well enough to see 1/3 in the wrong order about every second test normally speaking.

And then, I sat down on the sofa, and did some Telepathy 0 again.


After a bunch of completely forgettable testing, I got a 5 streak. I failed on the the last go, so I only got 5. But then, less than 2 minutes later, I got another 5 streak.

TWO 5 STREAKS in JUST TWO MINUTES????? The odds of getting a 5 streak are 1:243. And I did it twice. In two minutes.

I took a screen shot of the first 5 streak, and didn't screenshot the 2nd, which was less than 2 minutes later.

If only I didn't make any mistakes in between and had gotten a 10 streak. Yikes. Ouch. OMG. I tried. That 10 streak would be awesome, almost made it, two 5 streaks in quick succession. Yikes.

And then I put down my iPhone just so I could update this blog post. :)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Ockham's Razor, My Grandparents, and Avril Lavigne

So, I was just trying to talk to my parents about Ockham's razor and how it relates to my grandparents and Avril Lavigne, but as soon as I mentioned the church on this issue they became completely disinterested in discussion.

So, I write about it here.

According to Ockham's Razor (Occam's Razor), the simplest solution or explanation is the best solution or explanation.

So, considering that Abbey Dawn Road, the location Avril Lavigne essentially named her Abbey Dawn clothing line after is less than 15 minutes away from my Grandparents' old home ---- What is the simplest explanation for why Avril Lavigne has been singing "about me"?

I mean, it shouldn't be too hard to draw some kind of comparison between Avril singing about me and the fact that my grandparents live nearby to important Avril Lavigne locations, there must be some kind of explanation for this. Hmmm.

Anyway, just think about how the simplest explanation is probably the best explanation, according to Ockham's Razor,

and then I wonder about how since 2004, the Bishop and various other members of the LDS church who followed his lead could NEVER ACCEPT A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ME AND AVRIL????

To be honest, my grandparents shouldn't have to be living within 15 minutes of an important location for comparisons to be drawn ----- but regardless of how much her songs just sounded like me, the church never accepted the relationship or possibility of relationship.

It's been a long time since I've talked to the church, but up to about 2010 there were still church members telling me I was wrong to think God put me with Avril.

According to Mormonism, it doesn't matter how much she sings about me, it doesn't matter how close my grandparents live to her, the church will not accept that God would declare me to be "with" Avril regardless of these things just because of her clothing and musical styles.

God could have said she's with me because of my grandparents, maybe, God could have said she's with me because she sings about me, but these two points are completely nullified in the LDS church's mind, there comes a point of complete denial about God's words, once they assume Avril has bad music or bad clothing.

And to be honest, it shouldn't matter if Avril Lavigne was doing something very very naughty which I won't even specify here because I don't want to risk defaming her ---- it doesn't matter if she was doing something very very naughty (which she probably wasn't) because GOD would still love her and want to save her anyway.

So yeah. Ockham's razor says there's a very reasonable explanation for why Avril sings about me, but for many years the LDS church NEVER ACCEPTED OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Now, the LDS church just seems and looks completely stupid and pointless, and my parents just didn't want to discuss that with me.


In other news, I showed my mom my new telepathy program on my Apple II last night, and had her go a few rounds with it.  In no time at all, she had a 4 streak, which is 1:256 odds. Amazing. I guess she's a Jedi too.

Actually, I'm serious, she didn't do very many tests at all before she got 4 right in a row. I had just shown her the source code for my program, and then ran the program, and very quickly she started nailing it. Very strange. Indeed.

My mother has it. My other relative has it. I have it. Bah -- It's not quite the same, but I was just trying to parody the new Star Wars trailer. Not quite the same line of relationships though.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Apple II Telepathy

So, though my telepathy doesn't always works --- when it does work, it is amazing.

So: I was at my OUYA, playing Telepathy 0, and then I had to leave the house.

Eventually, as I was sitting in my bedroom, I realized I could write my own telepathy game, a game that I could trust more than the unknown code of telepathy zero.

I've always been of the opinion in the past few years that Apple 2's are absolutely awesome. I was correct. Came in very useful/handy to write a short script and then test my telepathy skills with.

Here is a photo of the script I wrote.

I wrote the script in the usual way you would write a script on an old Apple IIc and saved it to a 5" floppy.

The script tests your ability to choose from between 4 numbers, 1-4.

When I played this game, I mostly failed, got a bunch of 3 (1:64) streaks, a bunch more 2 (1:16) streaks, and yeah I failed a whole lot.

So::: why did I stop my fun and share with you this photo?
To show you that my telepathy really came out for a little while when I was testing.

This is a photo of me getting a 5 (1:1024) streak.

Yes. I feel really quite proud of myself now, I guess you could say. I've defeated my own program.

When I took this photo, I took video of myself saying, while recording the screen, I said that I suspected the next number would be a 3 or a 4.

I entered "3", and the result came back as "Actual Number: 4". I guess I can do pretty decently then, I got it wrong finally, but one of my 2 choices was the correct answer on the last one. Happy.

And I just have to say ----- it's for things like this, for doing things of a useful nature, that I really love the Apple II. I mean, compared to having just pen, paper, slide rule, having an Apple II is absolutely awesome. I kind of wish they were still in production.

There is the replica 1, but I haven't tried that yet. Maybe I'd be more likely to buy the replica 1 if it came with a box to hold the circuit, though that's less like an apple 1 and more like an apple 2.

The one thing I'm sad about the apple 2 is that it only works with 16-bit calculations - generally, though if you multiply two big numbers, the numbers can get pretty big, but it only seems to accepts the input of 16-bit numbers, which kind of limits the device.

If you want a more modern, hand-held apple 2-like device, then I know the TI-83plus is pretty good for that. TI-83plus IS cool, BUT I like the apple 2 for having a full-sized keyboard. :)

So yeah, did some "telepathy" today.  And yes, I do call it telepathy, because it was more than just basic guessing, I was following my "instinct". Hah. :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Interested Women

So, since 2013 now, I the rare occasions I have to be around females closer to my age, the women have started seeming more interested in me.

I don't need to discuss every "offer" I've ever received, sometimes there's email which seems to indicate (if it's not just spam) that there might be interested women,

I mean, on some rare occasions I think some 3rd party(s) has tried to hook me up with dating sites without me knowing.

Today, I met a nice girl who was about my age, and she immediately started comparing our astrological signs --- which, to me, seems like a sign that she might be interested.

It's nice to know that women haven't completely rejected me, that I might still have a chance. But I am very hesitant to even try to start a relationship ---- especially when I feel lacking in ways like I'm 30 and I haven't even learned to drive yet.

For so long I've felt resigned to live out my whole life without any female companionship --- the seemed like a very viable option to me.

But, in these not even-as-far-as-first-date encounters I sometimes have, well, I'm very timid so I'm not taking any leaps yet, but it's just nice to know that if I try, I might have a chance of finding someone.

So::: it makes me feel good to see "interested" women, but I'm not certain even right now at the age of 30 if I'm really capable or really a decent enough deal to really date anyone or do anything like that.

For so long now I figured I'd never find a woman. There's a small chance, as I see it, that my pre-determined situation may reverse. Not much of a chance though, at this point. :)


OK, so back in 2010 I met a girl online (not the same girl as Selena from LTW) who seemed a little bit interested in me. But, I still had the delusion that I might score as a Mormon, and as such the nude photo she sent me of herself fell on blind eyes. I have no idea who she was or where she came from, just that she was some girl on the internet who was interested.

Then in 2013 I saw a pretty girl wave at me in a parking lot like she was interested. At this point, however, I was still holding out hope for Avril Lavigne.

Now, as of a little while ago, I don't hold out [much] hope for Avril Lavigne, I really truly realize that I don't want to really be a Mormon ------

So what held me back from today's girl who seemed to express interest by comparing our astrological signs?

I mean, in my "dedicated bachelor" mindset it's hard to want to react to such flirtation, even if it almost seems obvious that it is flirtation.

But, she was nice, and she was pretty, so now I fear I might've hurt her feelings by not being more extroverted with her. I probably didn't hurt her feelings, she's probably fine, and I realize that I'm not likely to run into her again, at least for a very long time, so yeah.


Just wondering how to deal with potential women who might express interest, and how to try not to break their hearts by expressing no interest in return.

I'm just so timid you know? For a long time I was never planning on marrying anyone very much ---- I had all kinds of explanations I told myself that I'd stay single for.

But, on the "rare" occasion that I actually meet a girl, if she's interested --- what should I do? I mean, how do I politely be disinterested even when she seems so pretty or nice that I should be interested ----- and if I do become interested, --- I was just about to try to accept the possibility that I might ever be interested, but deep down inside I know that I would have extreme difficulty befriending or courting a female properly. Hmmmm.

Yeah------ Just confused by finding that women are still interested in me sometimes. It's scary, the thought of finding a girl ------ on one hand I know I don't want or need a female companion, on the other hand, some girls are truly interesting with how nice they seem or pretty they look, and I don't want to hurt feelings.

Am I really interested in women? Not a whole lot to tell the truth ---- i am attracted to women, but in my mind and in my heart, I find it very difficult to be interested in anyone like that.  The closest thing I have to interest is my base manly desire to, you know, which isn't really all that important anyway.

The one thing I would be interested in is a good woman who I could be very good friends with, someone who would be a good close personal friend --- and yes, marriage would be an option there. That's how a woman would really be attractive to me ----- as a good personal friend.

But with my timidness and my deep dedication to bachelorism, I'm not likely to marry, I just have some level of normal attraction which I try to ignore, and I'm just confused about how not to hurt feelings or how stupid I might be for missing a good opportunity.

**Just really confused**

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

My Victory Speech

I'm winging this victory "speech", for a party that I had supported multiple times federally and provincially in the past. I'm just writing what I think right now, this isn't really a too thought out or prepared document.

So. Um. Yeah, with my "telepathy" research, I have, essentially just pulled a Kreskin this election.

OK ---- so Kreskin would predict the exact number of seats for the winning party, I didn't do that ------- but before I ever saw any polls for this election I had a dream that the NDP would win, and I told members of my family about my dream.

So, maybe I'm, in a way, mentally powerful ----- if people don't believe me here then I'm still earning my AiSH.

But yeah ------ it's kind of hard to live a real life without AiSH when my family suffers from big mental problems and my dad's always been unemployed for as long as I remember, so basically, a number of issues I see in my family just make me see my family has heavily impaired -------

well, a long ago my mom told me my dad is crazy. I believe her now. She doesn't keep reminding us that he's crazy, but to me it is clear that he has problems.

And it's very difficult to live in a family where people just don't think very well. So I earned my AiSH.

So yeah, for the first time my desire to go left, my leftist-voice, has finally been listened to.

So, what do I hope for?

Like Calgary's Mayor said ----- he expected, and I hope to see more affordable housing in my city.

I think we're going to be OK, I think Alberta has made a good choice.

I will just end my post by saying I feel sorry for Jim Prentice, the PC leader. So sad for him.

Election Day

So, I already voted NDP in an advance poll ---- and I have to admit that I've been a little bit nervous.

Of course, I prayed to God about my nervousness, and God calmed my fears, so maybe we can expect or hope for good things from the upcoming new government ---------

But now that my Dad said he no longer restricts me from voting Liberal, I can't help but wonder if provincial Liberals would have been the wiser choice over the NDP.

I mean, one of the good teachings of Mormonism was a form of socialism ---- and I am partly inspired to have a socialistic government based on the ideal of helping the poor, as Mormonism's social movement was inclined to do -------

Well, if socialism in the end turns out to be a failure (which I hope it doesn't), if it turns out to be a bit like "Animal Farm" with much hypocrisy, then one might have to wonder if the Mormon church was just a complete lie even in the poorly-thought-out philosophy.

Actually, maybe it doesn't matter.

My Dad is fear mongering me saying that if you tax the rich too much that the rich will leave.

Well, even according to the United Order sentiment by the Mormons, you are generally free to choose  to join the order or not of your own free will --- you are not forced to pay the high tax on the rich in Mormonism.

So, as it is with Canadianism, if you don't like the taxes, you can move somewhere else --- that makes Canadian socialism comparable in another way with Mormonism's United Order.

So --- will it work?

In order to successfully have higher taxes on the rich, you need rich people in your country. In Canada, we can't force the rich to stay in our land.

Though I, personally, have an abundant willingness to share of my property with other people, even being as "poor" as I am, can not say for certain that people richer than I would feel the same way. I would hope they agree to share, but we can not force them to, and if we can't get them to share, then my dad's fear mongering makes me wonder if socialism could fail somehow.


Things to note about what Wikipedia says Mormons said about the United Order::::

The Mormons say that communism is a satanic counterfeit of the United Order, a clumsy counterfeit.

It's very interesting to note that Satan's Clumsy counterfeit found far more success in so many ways, while the Lord's Pure Holy and Upright System failed almost immediately. :)


The possibility of failure is what I'm afraid of.  The reason I think a Liberal government or having a conservative federal government would be good is so that the very wealthy don't get completely annoyed at living in our country.  As my Dad's conservative wisdom seems to relate::: It's good to have wealthy people living in the community.


So, no, I'm not a social "utopian" of pure economic equality, I do believe that those who try or do should be allowed to get ahead ---- I just believe that everyone should have at least their basics provided for them - to end homelessness and hunger.


So yeah, I do wonder if Provincial Liberals might've made more sense than Provincial NDP. I'm no expert.

I do think we should have higher taxes on the wealthy, but try to keep those taxes fair enough so they don't want to run away.

God's Glorious United Order is far more prone to failure than Satan's Clumsy Communist Counterfeit. I wonder why. ;)

If the NDP fail then you've really got to wonder what Joseph Smith ever intended with his Communal Living system. Maybe I'm comparing apples with oranges here when it comes to socialist systems, but if Smith's system failed, and if a hopefully better modern approach fails, which I hope it doesn't, then maybe we can just write Mormonism off completely as a complete lie.


Where do I stand on Mormonism now?

I don't believe in Mormonism anymore ---- but I see a number of things that Joseph Smith tried to say or do which might be good ideas.

The church actually doesn't even follow Joseph's own teachings, which is one reason I don't go to church anymore,

but in a lot of ways some Mormon ideas do seem like good ideas.

Unfortunately, the church is just so corrupt or corrupted that I can only respect Joseph's good ideas, but not actually go to church. Any who.


So, who would I choose now, given a choice between Liberals and NDP?

Long ago when I checked out the NDP website, they didn't really have a policy manual outlined. I just have a vague idea that they want to help seniors, students, and provide good health care --- all of which is good, and I like.

The Liberal policy manual said the Liberals want to build high-speed rail transit between Calgary, Red Deer and Edmonton.

The rail transit system seems like a cool idea, but my Dad figured we (whether it be my family or albertans) wouldn't use it enough, and the idea might never pay for itself.

Personally ------ I would love it if Passenger rail opened between Calgary and the East, which I am told has been closed since in the 1980s because Calgary was conservative while the Liberals didn't like that --------- and yes, I think having rail transit again some day might be real nice (as long as my grandparents still live, all these years having grandparents living out east and never having rail transit, what a waste), but Rail Transit isn't an absolute necessity, so-----

NDP is good enough this time around. With an aging Alberta population, taking care of those old people is a priority and The NDP should be able to do that.

So, I do like the NDP "more" right now, I just have seen enough conservative fear mongering to make me wonder if the Liberals would take better care of the economy.

I'm just glad that I read somewhere that NDP Leader Rachel Notley does actually intend on balancing the budget in a year or two or so. Yay. I hope they figure that much out. :)



I was just thinking about some differences between the Liberals and the NDP.  The big difference is that the Liberals seem to help the MIDDLE CLASS, while the NDP might be more about helping people who are actually poor.

I can now see why my Dad preferred the NDP ------ the Liberals didn't help too much when I was growing up because they were helping the Middle Class, and when I was growing up, we were pretty much in the Lower Class. Mid-to-high-Lower-class is what I'd say we were.

Yeah, I can see why the NDP is the better choice ---- helping people who are actually poor, rather than the middle class who don't need it as much.

The problem with my family is that, well, we have serious mental problems.

Growing up, I actually excelled at most of what I tried to do, scouts did good for me, keeping the promise to do my best, I was one of the brightest kids in school.

But, it is clear that my family is just having serious mental illness issues ---- I myself went through enough crap that even I went insane -------

but even with me being in "good" mental health, well, there are other members of my family who didn't do so well.

Though I was very intelligent as a kid, when it comes to mental health, it seems my family, or the Attfield family, is absolutely screwed.

And that's why we'd prefer the NDP ---- because they help actual poor people, because helping the middle class doesn't apply to us ------ we are so messed up in the head, we'd be lucky to achieve middle class, which my family is lucky enough to achieve because my mom has a brain and is able to work.

It's my DAD who has genetic mental problems, and trying to grow up with him (and a genetically messed up family) was very difficult. It's my mom, who is very intelligent, who saved the family.

We couldn't rely on my father to improve our living conditions much. When he was worn out, he was worn out.

My dad is only good at math and computers, and even then he seems lacking.

My mom has multiple degrees, was a captain in the army, and power-reads through books like they were her favourite entertainment ----- It's my MOM who has the brains, she might be the reason I turned out so well.

While my Dad, and his family historically/genetically, suffers from sometimes severe mental illness and it's very difficult to grow up with -----

anyway, helping the middle class didn't help us under the Liberals, while my mom was a stay-at-home-mom.

We only got into the middle class after my mom finished another degree at university and got a job.

And yes ----- it is very frustrating sometimes or oftentimes how messed up my family's mental health is.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Voting Strategy

Not that my analysis means too much, as I'm only just trying to recover from mental illness, but:

I'm trying to figure out a voting strategy.  You know how governments have their little checks and balances like in the american governmental system?

I'm not claiming total loyalty to any one political party. To me, they may all have valid viewpoints.

My dad recently rescinded his ban on me voting Liberal. Amazing ---- his negative attitude towards Liberals still runs strong, but me and my sister find his negative attitude "off-turning" and in some discussion he basically said I can now vote for whoever I want. :)

So, in a system of checks and balances where I live, well, I probably shouldn't explain any specifics right now here ----- but I'm thinking, basically, that the provincial party shouldn't necessarily equal the federal party, whichever way it goes ----- and I'm now happy that my dad lets me have Liberal as an option.

Maybe I will reveal some of what I'm thinking::::

If a conservative party wins in Alberta, then federally I'd be choosing between Liberals and NDP.

If the NDP wins in Alberta, then I'd be choosing between Conservatives and Liberals federally.

That's the simple of it ---- we'll have to let more time pass before I can develop this idea.

I'd be hypocritical to say I didn't like Trudeau's plan to help the poorer people ------ but I am now countered by my Dad's rhetoric that if you don't tax the rich too much, then you might have rich people in your country, and that might help the economy.

Maybe I'm just not the smartest to figure this stuff out.


But yes ---- My dad's historic constant negativity towards whoever, including Liberals --- kind of turns my family off.

Like, when I complain about my experiences with Mormons, that turns my dad off.

Growing up, when my dad complained about Liberals and neighbours, that really turned me off. A lot.

Basically, I think there's something to be said for saying nice things, being positive, and lowering negativity levels.

One of the big problems my family had as we were growing up was just an almost incessant stream of complaining and bad attitude from my father. It kind of drove my mom and the kids nuts. Constantly having to remind him "please be positive".  Yeah, it's kind of sad.


Sometimes in email I get those strange emails --- um ---- I don't know how much I should discuss on this topic ----- but if there were all kinds of women in my local area that wanted to mate with me ---- would that really be a good thing?

You see, I may have been the top of the class growing up in school for most of my life ----- but if genetics have any say over how your kid turns out ------- I do get points for being typically intelligent -------- but with my family as a whole you've got a 50% chance of giving birth to a less-than-desireable child.

For a long time I've been telling myself I'm too mentally ill to reproduce, for various reasons whether it be the truth or if it be extrapolation of caricature.

But, if there really are a bunch of women who "like" me, I look at my family and wonder if it's not the best idea to spread my family's kind of crazy around too much.

Just had to say that. My junk email folder gets enough of this stuff about women potentially mating with me. And, of course, that could all be spam as well, so whatever, I can easily just ignore it. :)


EDIT: May 5th 2015
I just want to say that Manitoba thinks kind of like me on this issue::: Manitoba's Legislature is a Majority NDP government, while 11 out of 14 Manitoba Members of Parliament are Conservatives, with 1 Liberal and 2 NDP.

This only makes sense. Localized Socialism, while trying to breed a certain amount of economic prosperity for the richer people with the feds. Only makes sense.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

What will I work at?

So::: I was the smartest boy at school so often growing up ----- and I ended up losing my mind and becoming disabled ---- things that used to be easy for me to do in school suddenly became very difficult, either impossible or near impossible - my brain doesn't work.

Though I, perhaps delusionally, argued with the psychiatrist --- it was clear - I was disabled, and for that reason I can now understand that I really did deserve my AiSH. Things actually worked out well for me ----- the LDS path was the wrong one to follow, as I can now see.

So ---- How disabled am I now, and what do I intend to do?

For a long time, I was unmotivated to do many things. I was mostly motivated just to "delusionally" argue with the psychiatrist.

But now I feel motivated. I have ideas of things I can try to do. Maybe it's not much, not anything too grand --- but what I think I might do with my life might suit me right now as I try to recover from mental illness.

So, I'm motivated ---- the next step is just to find the drive and/or attention span to sit down and do things.

I found I liked helping my sister move from one house to another. But, I'm so introverted and unskilled, much manual labor might be hard for me to find, as I am not very socially inclined and I can't even drive a car.

So, what else can I do??

I could try to learn to play Piano --- I've already learned a little bit, and found that I am capable of making a little bit of music. Of course, right now I'm still mostly untrained, so yeah, learning and practising piano is on my list of things I could do.

I could buy some books (once my budget allows) and re-learn trigonometry, and then try to teach myself Calculus as well.  In grade 12 and university, my brain was so broken that I couldn't really do calculus --- at all --- a good demonstration of how bad my brain broke ----- but I'm going to hope I'm recovering, because I want to just sit down with a book some day and try to learn it by myself.

And I might try to write another book. I've already mentioned this. I think it might help for me to write my book while I'm on a vacation. I don't know --- it really depends on how well I can concentrate on this kind of work with my environment. I have ideas for my next book, we'll just see if I can do it. Of course, I already know I probably won't get paid much or at all, but I can still try it to do something.

So, yeah, basically how this ties in with the upcoming election is I think that even if you live on welfare ---- the basic will to do stuff, to drive away boredom, exists, so I think basically that everyone should be provided for their basics ---- and the human drive to achieve and fight boredom will drive the economy to even greater things. That's what I think. I, of course, am not the smartest, I'm just saying what I think I know or understand, basically just trying to HOPE that we get a government that helps the poor and provides for everyone -- and then everyone will figure out what they want to do with their lives and do it. I know not everyone has great motivation or drive, and maybe those people just need to live that way, if it makes them happy, but I'm hoping there are enough of us who do have the drive to do things. I can't say for certain how well it would work out though - and I'm not even the policy guy or the brains, this is just my opinion.

Of course, I don't actually belong to the NDP so I can't say I know for certain all their intentions --- what I know is that they have some good ideas which do help the poor, and that they are considered socialists, so they, well, should be our people's Robin Hood. :) or whatever. :)

Oh ---- and if I do manage to teach myself calculus ---- then maybe I'll even go back to school, like my brother is going to. If my brain starts working, I can only imagine it would be good if I got a real education. We'll see ----- who knows what to expect considering my history of being the smartest and the dumbest --- I was really bright for a long time, but I've also been dumb as dirt for a long time ---- my brain just didn't work.

And knowing what it's like to be poor and in need is why I support a government which should help the poor. :)

Friday, May 1, 2015

Joyfully Looking at Polls

So, being the psychic boy that I seem to be, a week or two ago, or at least a nice recent long while ago (can't remember exactly when), I told my Dad, or whoever else in my family who was around, that I had a dream that the NDP won Alberta's upcoming election.

Dreams are interesting for me. Sometimes they come true, in various ways.

Of course, I did have a different dream recently that I don't think should come true --- and I'm not even going to mention what it was.

Anyway, so, days pass, and I look online at the polling situation in Alberta for this election, and WOAH ---- I find that the NDP is leading in the polls, with almost 40 percent of the popular vote.


The NDP went from being the trailing party, the or one of the smallest party in the Legislature, to being the most popular in the polls, coming right up on the Election.

I do a little dance and celebrate. Yay.

My Dad, of course, is scared as hell. So is my Mom.

I mean, they are more right-wing in their views, but long ago my Dad told me that if I didn't want to support right-wing parties, then he would allow me to support the NDP. (The Liberals are completely out of the question however).

Anyway, it's alright with me, I think socialism could or would or should be cool.

My Mom has been, for years, afraid that she's going to be too poor when she retires from her job. My dad's been mostly unemployed for a very long time now.  It's amazing how they fret about being poor and having money issues, and yet they insist on supporting the capitalistic pigs.

I think it's only in my own, and my family's best interest to have some level of socialism in power.

My parents are all scared and worried about what the NDP will do, but I sit here thinking they don't know what's good for them, as they get old and retire, and I figure it's actually wonderful that the NDP might help.

What else do I think about an NDP government?

My dad says their higher corporate taxes will push out the big business in our province. Personally, I'm hoping the big business agrees to pay the taxes, but if they don't, then demand on housing in my province would hopefully decrease, and then we might find more affordable living spaces in Alberta ---- in case you couldn't tell, I'm all about being affordable and helping the poor, at the expense of the very wealthy.

The one thing that my Dad really liked about the Federal NDP was the proposed cap on credit card interest rates. I agree.

I'm personally getting out of debt hopefully this month, but I know that this is only possible for me because I was lucky enough to enjoy a low interest rate credit card.

I know Canadians (and Americans) are drowning in debt, and especially in Canada the 18-30% credit card interest rates are just unreasonable. Again, I would hope the NDP puts a provincial cap on credit card interest rates. I want to be reasonable of the bank, so that they don't feel like quitting our province, so that they can stay in business, but I think the banks in Canada are so large that they could afford to remove a few percentage points from their interest rates.

My personal guesstimate idea of what the maximum credit card rate should be in Alberta would be 15%. That's just me though. I would reduce it lower to 10%, but I don't want to hurt the banks too much.

So yeah, I'm sitting happy, seeing that the NDP lead in the polls. I think it's good.

I think I could live happily collecting welfare to live happily or comfortably, yet I would also believe in working when I can --- even working at no cost ---- just because I've found that I like working on things.

My sister recently moved the home where she lives. I helped her move (for free), and I have to say, I really enjoyed the work.

I enjoyed working on OUYA. It's good I wrote books.

I'm not the smartest anymore, I'm not the best anymore, I'm not skillful, I'm too easily stressed, but I think even those on welfare could do work if they find it.

Anyway. Yeah.

So, personally, I like the NDP, I think it could or would be good for Alberta, for my family.

I just want to make it clear that even though I belonged to the Wildrose Party, I only did that to help a family friend ----- I think the WR connection to Mormonism is scary enough that I would not actually want the WR to win.

So yeah. There. I dreamt the NDP would win ---- and I might turn out to be right if current polls are saying anything.

I'm so psychic. hah. Not perfectly psychic, but I have some ability, I guess.


Also in the news today is hopes of building a new trailer park in Calgary. This fits right in with NDP discussion ---- I do personally want to end homelessness, to increase affordable living spaces in our province. That CTV news story about a new trailer home park in our city seems relatable to my political discussion. (I just have the CTV new running in the background right now).


So, my dad may be afraid that the NDP is going to screw up ----- I would like to ask everyone, however many people that may be who read this blog, to pray that the next Alberta government, even if it's NDP, especially if it's NDP, will be a good government and do a good job. I think there's some value to keeping your prayers to yourself, but if I could lead whoever you readers are in a prayer group, I would just pray for good government in my province.


I know I "rip" on the Mormons a bit throughout my life, but I would like to say that Mormonism does teach some good things, and that it's actually because of Mormonism's good teachings that I support the NDP.

Mormonism, at it's core, is socialistic ---- Joseph Smith taught the like, it's in The Book of Mormon. Helping the poor, and give said the little stream------

I may rip on the Wildrose Party for being so supported by the Mormons ----- but it's partly because of my Mormon upbringing that I would prefer a socialist party.

Mormonism, at it's core, is comparable to communism or socialism ----- helping the poor ---- a good teaching, which I can accept. I just don't believe in doing it with Mormons anymore.

I rip on Mormons for good reason ----- and as I see the Mormons support the capitalistic right wing, that disturbs me, it just looks hypocritical.

So, I think Mormonism had some good teachings ---- that's partly why I like the NDP.

I also think that Mormonism has scarily bad things about it ----- that's why I shy away from the Wildrose.

I'll just note that this isn't my first time voting NDP.   I've voted for conservative parties in the past, but I've also voted NDP numerous times as well. It depends on how I feel, or what I really think at the time.