Wednesday, April 29, 2015

More Delusion Figured Out

People have said I've been delusional for a long time ---- but it's kind of hard to blame me, as an individual, for my own delusion, when society at large propagates false ideas, claiming them to be the truth, and essentially drives or even forces you to believe these things.

Growing up, I had always been taught in church (LDS Mormonism) that we were looking forward to the second coming of Jesus Christ, that some day Jesus will return, that the Book of Revelations will someday be fulfilled in its' entirety.

I mean, I wrote the last part of my report "Aftermath" discussing a little bit about the "upcoming" second coming and a bit about revelations.

I'm beginning to think my mind was part of a mass delusion that part of our society was under.

Upon learning more and examining the evidence for myself ---- it seems very likely that that the book of Revelations has already been fulfilled and that the second coming already happened.

Wow. I was delusional. And no one pointed out the "truth" to me for quite a long time --- which meant no one knew and it was mass delusion.

And I look at Aftermath, and I then realize that the whole belief system I was living under in the church was just complete crap.

There are some very good reasons to believe that Revelations is already fulfilled, that the second coming already happened, and we've extended far further into the future than that the point in time the LDS church said we were in.

Well, I'm glad that delusion is done with.

And I'm glad I don't have to worry about a lot of the problems mentioned in that book.

But, though the prophecy of Saint Malachy may have been a fraud, and though it was attributed to Nostradamus ----

You do kind of have to wonder about Nostradamus --- I can't remember the exact dates, but Nostradamus came after the second coming too, and according to some interpretations of his work, his predictions come true.

And, well, I'm not sure I should say what I know about what he said, but if he did truly actually predict the coming of Napoleon and Hitler, then I suppose there is still some reason to worry in this modern age of the earth. My knowledge and information on that matter is limited, however.

And it, I guess, has nothing to do with the Second Coming. It's just more prophecy of things supposedly going to happen, post-second coming.


Now ---- a psychiatrist might say that if I deviate from the societal norm of what is commonly believed, that I'm delusional for disagreeing with the rest of society.

But, we should realize that truth is truth regardless of who believes it --- in reality it could be society that's delusional.

So, yeah, I was suffering from a delusion -- a delusion that the LDS church gave me --- and now that I've finally learned more, I realize it is very extremely likely that the book of Revelations is already fulfilled, the second coming has already happened, and some of the discussion points in my books are, actually, more or less, insane, thoughts based on completely erroneous teachings I received about the earth's history and future.

Dang.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Mixed Messages from the Mormons

I was just thinking about my life, how I was the smartest boy in school, and how the Mormons required me to forgive all men lest I am the greater sinner and face the greater condemnation.

So:::: I lose Annie Liability's friendship because her parents didn't care for our freedom of association and our right to liberty, and they were angry at me for who knows what reason,

so the church tells me I have to forgive them. To forgive means to forget.

I have to mentally retard myself to the point of not remembering that Annie even broke up with me. I have to forget all the garbage her family was putting me through, or else I was worse than they were.


And then the September 11th 2001 disasters happened. Very upsetting disasters. But, if I was required to forgive Annie's family, I was also required to forgive the terrorists and Al Qaeida, as I was required to forgive ALL MEN.


So, not only did I have to forget that Annie had dumped me and the pain that caused, but I also had to forget that the twin towers had been destroyed, I was supposed to lose my mental realization that we were going to war ---- if I even remembered anything going wrong in New York on that day, that made me worse than Osama bin Laden and I would face the greater condemnation, according to my mormon religion.


Anyway, so the Mormons, who want me to suffer from permanent memory loss, are concerned that I'm not performing well enough in school, I used to have top grades in school and now my ability is suffering ---- their requirement for me to forgive people was mentally retarding my brain because I wasn't allowed to remember the things that went wrong.

Anyway, though the Mormons wanted me to suffer from permanent memory loss, at the same time they decided to send me to brain doctors and force me on Drugs so my brain would return to it's usual healthy and well-thought-out state.  They were trying to make me smart, even as they wanted me to forget the horrible things that happened.

It's a mixed message, it just doesn't work ---- The Mormons just wanted me to be smart at the same time I suffered from permanent memory loss ----- It just doesn't work, either my brain works or it doesn't --- the Mormons wanted it both ways.


Anyway, now that I've remembered 9/11, I'm in deep crap according to Mormonism - just for remembering it.  The Lord's angels are probably going to bomb the heck out of my city now, because I'm so condemned for a sin worse than destroying New York's towers -- just by remembering the original disaster.

yes --- it is all stupidity. I was stupid to trust the Mormons so much.

I wanted a good Moral ideology to support. I was stupid to think the Mormon ideology would actually work or make sense.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I was Disabled - now I'm just sabotaged

Trying to figure this out.

I just managed to read a whole chapter from a novel I've been working on for the past few years (spending most of the years not touching the book). The book is very long and a chapter in it is very long as well. I just read a whole chapter, enjoying it, understanding it, getting the gist of the story.

My brain works here.

After reading that chapter, I thought I'd go back to reading my manuscript (which I started a few years ago) and then getting back to work on writing this new book.

No luck.

I couldn't barely read the first paragraph. Not because I'm a bad writer --- but it's like there's something or someone in my head trying to stop me from proceeding on my project.

This "being in my head" is all too happy to sit there and read a lengthy sci-fi novel with me, but as soon as I set down to work on my own book, reading an already-written manuscript which is way shorter than the book I was reading, it's like there's someone in my head who is stopping me from proceeding.

I'm able to read a whole chapter from a very long novel. I am able to read my own writing most of the time.

But when I sit down to read what I've already written of a new book I myself am writing, my brain goes all wonky about it ---- my mind stops working and I can't proceed.

It's like I'm not allowed to look at, concentrate, think or do anything about working on my own project.

No idea. Is there any grand cosmic scheme causing me to be this way? Who knows. I don't know. It's just heck of annoying.

So, I'm not totally disabled ---- it feels like there's someone in my head, sabotaging my work.

I really MUST be disabled

So, I've sat down to work on writing a book I started a few years ago - but in order to work on the book I have to read what I already have written down.

I really must be disabled, because I can't get my brain to concentrate on the writing --- I'm like, unable to read books it seems like.

When I was young, and the top of the class in school, I could read through whole books no problem --- I was a power-reader like my mom is.

But, when I grew up, I found myself UNABLE to concentrate on anything I tried reading --- I can teach myself the Python Programming Language from a book or i can learn to program and Android game in Java ---- but I can't read an actual good book, like a novel very well ----- this makes me more like my father.

It's sooooo annoying to have a brain that won't concentrate. I used to have a good function mind that i could concentrate on anything (I'm sure). But now I can't!!


I WANT to write another book, I WANT to be smart, but I can't get myself to concentrate (and yes, I am medicated right now). No idea. Sucks.

Well, I guess I was lucky to even be able to write the books I did write or read the books I have listed at goodreads.

It shouldn't be so hard ---- but it is hard.

I used to think just fine, concentrate just fine, I could read through lots of things, I could learn in school. But now it's very difficult for me.

I guess I must be disabled then. Sucks.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Psychological Problems still happening

The easiest way I can explain this blog post is just to say that my mind races with thoughts about the same old things I went through, and I see no solution to it except to say "The LDS church is just garbage".

Yup ---- I can't make any sense out of what I went through anymore, and I can just make a blanket statement that says the whole church is just crap.

Should I go into the details of my thoughts on this blog? I dunno....

I send many emails to my "email friends" about my thoughts on these issues, and I dunno if publicly releasing this information or any variation on it will do any good -- besides, I've probably already discussed it before somewhere.

<><><><><>

With all the bulk email I sent to Avril Lavigne's fan club ---- I finally got bulk email in return today.

If I'm going to spam avril with my psychological problems, I might as well spam her with cash as well, I figured -----

So today I got 10 emails back from a friend of Avril's, listing off various donations I've made, and basically gives thanks for it, although it's more of a tax receipt I think.

The thing is:::: In these 10 emails that Avril's friend sent me listing off my various donations ---- She doesn't even list ALL the donations I ever sent last year. She's missing at least a few.

So, yeah, I dunno, I send too much email, so to not be a completely useless spammer, I also tend to Spam Avril's charity with 5 and 10 dollar bills.  They responded to me about that today --- and they didn't even mention every single donation, there were at least a few they left out and didn't mention.

<><><><>

So - what can I say about my psychological issues regarding what I went through?

It's interesting that by early 2003 the church had me blessing sacrament, asked me to speak in church, tried to call me to be an elder ------ but by early 2004 when I actually went to see the bishop to become an elder there was some unspecified accusation made against me that prevented me from progressing in the priesthood.

Basically, there was no problem with me being active in the ward and doing priesthood duties and even being called to be an elder by early 2003 ---- but by early 2004 there was some kind of accusation that suddenly stopped me from progressing.

They punished me either because the atonement doesn't have any power over masturbation, or because they essentially falsely accused me of something that I'm not actually allowed to know the actual details of said accusation either.

So it was all bs.

There's another story I would want to talk about, but won't because if you read my books you could probably eventually figure out what I'm thinking if by some coincidence you were to look at the same points of fact I'm thinking of.

Anyway, yeah, the LDS church gave me a wonderful patriarchal blessing, and some of the blessings were supposed to happen when I was a young man, but those blessings were taken away because of a false accusation made against me, which no one told me about for years.

Kinda causes me psychological issues. I hope you understand.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

New Book Maybe Someday?

So, for a while I've been thinking about the possibility of writing another book, but I realized that my brain isn't quite into that right now or recently.

I still haven't gotten into writing much of anything, but last night I actually had some ideas for a new book. If I eventually get to work on this, it might take a while. It took me over a year to write The Eagle's Sore you should realize. I'm extremely limited in my creativity.

<><><>

So, back on the subject of my paranoia of being paid for books already sold::: I had a look at an FAQ, and it turns out it may take at least several weeks before sales are even just reported. OK then. Hopefully I have nothing to fear about the publishing company's integrity, or the idea that storefronts might just be tossing my books into the recycling.

Maybe I'm a little paranoid. But, considering the number of 1 star reviews my first book has received, maybe my books are just going into the recycling. Who knows?

Life is a constant struggle, all throughout my life I've been having to put up with garbage of one form or another from somewhere, and now it's just people not buying my books (or stealing), people giving me low ratings, paranoia about stores throwing out the copies they had in stock, and the ever present paranoia from every self-published author that sales aren't reported.

Anyway, yeah, just had to put up with too much garbage in life, now that I look back on everything I've been through.

Isn't it so sad that my life was soooo crappy that when I wrote a book about my experiences, the story was so bad that a large portion of reviewers just give me 1 star?

That's pretty darned sad.

I viewed the psychiatry as punishment for having been abused, and now that I've written a book about it, I'm getting low ratings for a story about being punished for having been abused. Sucks.

Yeah - I mean The Book of Finch really is just my best attempt to tell the true story of my life, and because my life had been sooooo horrible, I managed to pick up a number of 1 star reviews from people who feel like telling me they hate the story of my life because of how bad the story of my life is. Just sucks you know?

If I had a better life, I would have had something better to write about. But my life is so full of crap, that I can only be ridiculed for writing a story where I was punished for having been abused. It just sucks.

And now, these days, either people rip me off, won't pay much or anything, or I have paranoia that things are just going wrong.

I hope things get better.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Hello Hungary

So, I just logged into blogger to tell a little funny story from recent --- and found that Israel isn't the only country to visit my blog en masse now.

So, Hungary got interested. Wow. I have no idea how I got out there, people from all kinds of countries visit my blog, and I sell video games all over the place (on the seldom occasion when I do sell something).

<><><>

My amusing story?

I think it was last Tuesday I sent an excited email to my email pals feeling so excited about seeing someone on the street the first thing that morning --- I saw a person who looked like he was a character out of my "The Eagle's Sore" book, and it excited me because I had been discussing that book in email the day before.

Well, today I discovered they're holding a ComicCon in my city. You know, that geeky parade where people dress up as their favourite characters.

So, yeah, seeing someone who looked like they came out of my book was interesting, and I figured it was just a coincidence, and it may have been a coincidence, but now that I've found there's a ComicCon here now, I do kind of wonder.

I have a friend I knew in school, and he's my friend on Facebook, who dressed up as Luigi from the Ninendo games for Comic Con.  I told my family about his Facebook picture, when my brother told me he was actually featured on the news this evening in his Luigi outfit.

Fun.

<><><>

I could whine some more about people not paying me for my work, but I do realize there's a value to forgiveness so I just gotta figure out how to deal with this situation amiably. It's actually flattering to see that people have noticed me, but the poor kid inside of me would like to earn something as well. At least I have government welfare --- I can survive if people don't pay me, but just know I'd feel a lot better if people did pay me, and as I would like to earn so much that I'd get kicked off welfare.

I can understand the mentality that can't pay for anything, even cheap things, but I, like Judoon the Dwarf, want to earn so much ---- I would like to earn enough to at least get kicked off welfare. Yeah. I think that would be a socially responsible thing for me to do.

Earning money would encourage me to work at more projects, while if no one pays me, I can't guarantee that I'd churn out anything. It's just disheartening when people won't even pay the smallest amount for any of my work - You know?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

New Version of Pfhonge and other News

So, last night I released a new version of Pfhonge.

The original inspiration for this new version was the need to implement Chinese localization --- but as my OUYA does not have an option to look at the interface in Chinese, I didn't get to test the Chinese code I had written.

Well, OUYA approved the new version, but told me that they aren't finished developing for chinese yet, and that I have to test my own Chinese version to make sure it's right.

Having not tested the Chinese version, I published the new release anyway.

Well, this morning I figured out a way to do some of my chinese testing, and yeah, I must be mentally ill because I screwed up. Oops.

I almost wonder if there's some hacker who likes to change what I write down, like if I'm not careful what I try to write or code doesn't turn out the way I want it to be --- and this actually happens an awful lot.

If I don't review or test my own work, it'll invariably turn out wrong. I have to review and check each time. It's like there's a typo fairy haunting my computer that puts errors in what I try to write. Ugh.

This typo fairy apparently also attacked the copyright notice of my book "The Eagle's Sore".  It took me 3 years to see this, but I finally noticed a spelling error in my copyright notice the other day. Sucks.

<><><>

So, a few days ago I posted a screen shot of the amazon.com storefront "best dictionaries" having lower stock of my book than they normally would.

Well, now "best dictionaries" isn't even listed for my book --- while there is a listing for "WB23".

O boy. I did a lookup on google for "WB23" and found no mentioning of Warner Brothers, but I can't help but wonder if that's what this is.

You see, the company that made The Number 23 is New Line Cinema, and they're a subsidiary of Warner Brothers.

This is kind of exciting. I mean, I suppose I could fear that they're annoyed by the similarities between my book and their movie, except the book really is just a book about my life, and part of my life was seeing a huge relationship between my life and their movie.

No idea what to do. I'm a bit of a hobbit in my lifestyle at this point, trying to escape adventure and just enjoy my food. If that is Warner Brothers making their awareness of me known, whatever the excitement it might entail, whether it be good or bad, is a little scary to this hobbit. Though, I am a bit tall for a hobbit.

<><><>

This has happened more than once now --- someone will actually buy one of my ebooks, but then will refund the purchase the same day.

I mean, most people don't buy anything from me, most people don't want to spend $0.99, but of the most recent purchasers of any of my ebooks, they both refunded my book the same day.

It's like it's unfathomable to the mind of the average human to spend $0.99 on something.

I spent thousands of dollars to publish and advertise my books originally, and I was hoping I'd get the money back through sales ---- but it appears that 99% of humanity has absolutely no willingness to spend the smallest price on my work and would rather just steal it.

That thought it kind of depressing.

I spent thousands of dollars, going into debt, and I thought I'd earn that money by writing more books and video games ----- but most people just don't spend anything, and just take freebies. What a mistake I made.

At least I'm going to be able to finally pay off that debt anyway, but I'm just sad that humanity is either too poor or too cheap to spend the smallest price. Very disappointing.

<><><>

And, in my hopes to make money, well, either book stores are unstocking my writings for whatever reason or they've sold some, and well, I'm still waiting for the paperback sales to be reported. Maybe it'll just take a few months.

I just know that in the self-publishing community that there has been great paranoia that the companies that print and sell the books aren't honest. Yes, I have my fears. I hope things will turn out alright, but considering how humanity won't even pay $0.99 99% of the time, I have my fears too.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Too Much to Talk About - too few people to talk to

So, my mind runs wild and new things happen every day, and guess what???

I just happen to lack a complete friendship that I can understand will willingly accept all my email about it.

I mean, I've got my old psychiatric nurse, now I have an old psychiatrist to write to, I even try to talk to Avril Lavigne or her fanclub people----

but I'm afraid that I think too much, experience too much, have too much to say, and no one really cares to hear from me too much.

Maybe sending all that email to psychiatric workers MIGHT be OK --- but I'm afraid of talking to any one individual too much lest they think I'm too intrusive or whatever.

This is tough. I don't really have friends. I can't even talk to my own family about much of what I want to say --- I'm stuck with this blog and a few people to write email to.

There are things that are on my mind, but I don't have any place to put them right now - not this blog, not my dad, and I've already sent too much email to the people I send email to.

This is the same problem I had with my ballerina girl of old --- and we know how that turned out.

Dangit. What am I supposed to do? I want to talk to someone about things, but I don't have any good confidants who I can "spam" as much as I want.

Maybe I can talk to my psychiatric nurse all I want, but if I send it to the psychiatric nurse, then I also feel like sending it to the old psychiatrist and Avril Lavigne as well --- and well, I'm fearing this isn't going to work.

I'm in a real pickle.

Too much to say and no one to say it to. Some things just aren't right for the blog. Some things I can't really discuss with my family.

The people I write my deepest thoughts to are essentially just acquaintances who's jobs in life involve helping me in such ways.

This really isn't right I think. We have a problem.

Oh well, just got an email, time to post this and move on.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

A Short Little Discussion

I don't have many people to talk to --- I don't want to write to my old psychiatric nurse too much because I know bulk email is frowned upon, and I can't talk to my dad about things because he's often unwilling to discuss things with me. So, I will now turn to my blog:


In my understanding, the purpose of Mormonism is to cause people to live perfect and sinless lives, so EVERYONE can be just like and just as good as Jesus Christ.

That is, in a nutshell, what Mormonism is about::: being perfect and essentially being the same as or just as good as Jesus Christ.



But, even my Dad realizes that this is an impossible undertaking -- Expecting such from the human race is unrealistic, unreasonable, in all likelihood cannot be done.


It makes most sense to do your best to be a good person, and to forgive everyone else. Basically, try to be good, and forgive everyone's shortcomings.

But even here there's a problem in Mormonism:::

In mormonism, forgiveness is not the same thing that the rest of the world things of it as::: In mormonism, you can and will punish the very same people you forgive for the very same crimes and sins.

In Mormonism, the Atonement didn't remove the penalty of your sin, the atonement just made you repent of your sin.


Anyway, yeah, in Mormonism, you're goal is to be perfect, and it's obvious that this is an unrealistic goal.


Even if you tried to be as good as possible, and just forgive the rest, in Mormonism there is no getting off the hook, even if you are forgiven, even with the atonement, you will never just get out of jail free for any of the sins you've committed --- there is always a price you must individually pay.


So:::: What was the point of Jesus' atonement in Mormonism? If you live a perfect life, then you are exactly as Jesus was and, well, the atonement probably has nothing to do with that.

If you sin, and repent, you are doing that entirely under your own willpower, the atonement might be attributed with your repentance, when it is really just your own choice and willpower.


It's just so strange, how the very fundamental property of the atonement -- That Jesus paid the price, suffered the penalty, took the hit for you --- is completely ignored by mormonism when forgiveness can still mean punishment at the same time and yeah, really what I understood is that the concept of being let off the hook doesn't occur to the Mormons.

So::: what is forgiveness to the Mormons if it's not to let you off the hook?

In Mormonism, you can be locked up, you can be punished in any way shape or form for what you've done --- forgiveness simply means that the victim of the offence just doesn't feel anger about or remember the wrongdoing. If the victim has anger or remembrance of wrongdoing then the victim is condemned worse than the original offender.

So, in mormonism, the forgiven offender will be punished, and the victim will be punished worse than the offender if they don't just forget what happened.

It's an absolutely senseless system that doesn't really actually help anybody.

So yeah, I don't believe in mormonism, and I just have a need to talk about it, but I have few people to talk to - just writing on my blog right now.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The Atonement and Mormonism

I've been chewing on this bone for a while, but I don't think I've said anything on this topic on my blog yet recently, so I will just explain:::

The Mormons are constantly or often talking about or mentioning Jesus Christ's supreme sacrifice -- The ATONEMENT, or HIS Atonement for our sin.

So, according to my dictionary, this means that Jesus Christ repaid for our wrongs, that Jesus Christ made restitution for the wrong-doings of the world.


But in my experience, the Mormon church doesn't understand this concept.

I confessed to my bishop of masturbating and looking at porn. I did not find instant forgiveness or loving embrace --- I was punished for my sin.


So ----- What the **** was Jesus Christ's atonement for if it didn't get me off the hook for my sin?


Jesus Christ atoned so I could suffer the penalty for myself as well - is that right?


Sometimes, when I examine Mormonism, though I forget the exact doctrine they explain I understand what they think to mean::::: Jesus died so that you'd never do that in the first place, or he died so you'd never do it again.


The problem with this is, however, that nothing about Jesus Christ's sacrifice ever stopped you from committing the sin, and regardless of if it's an addictive sin or not nothing about Jesus' atonement will stop you from committing that sin ever again --- you are expected to not sin under your own power, which means saying "Jesus' atonement was to end sin" seems like a pretty stupid statement.


Anyway, yeah, Jesus atoned for us in that he paid the reparation, Jesus made the restitution for our wrongdoing.


Yet somehow the bishop seems to think that when I come into his office to confess sin that it's OK to punish me for what I did.  If the bishop represents God, this doesn't make sense because Jesus' already took the hit for me and God and I were to be reconciled rather than facing an angry God.    If the bishop represents the church then it still makes no sense because in D&C 64 we are to forgive all men.


Joseph Smith clearly explained that we are to cease to find fault and to forgive all men. I can pretty much mostly agree with that actually.

But in practice, in my experience, LDS people are always trying to find the flaws in people, always criticizing, and don't simply just forgive things.


Basically, the church lauds Jesus' atonement but doesn't really understand it or implement it into their practises.

The church lauds Joseph Smith's teachings of not finding fault and forgiving, but they often end up doing the exact opposite of what Joseph Smith said.


So yeah, the LDS church says one thing and then, often, just does another.



When I went in to the bishops office, under my understanding of LDS doctrine I was expecting to be swiftly and frankly forgiven.

Was I?

Nope --- I just learned that the atonement actually had no power to repay for my little and essentially meaningless sin, I had to "repay" on my own.

Doesn't make any bloody sense, but that's how it was.


OH --- and what's really interesting, I had accepted Jesus sacrifice, and if I had to repay Jesus for suffering on my behalf then I had already offered to serve him all my life to appease Him ------

And though I offered to repay Jesus by serving him all my life---- the church rejected me.

It was strange ---- the church didn't accept that Jesus atonement repaid for my sin, nor did they accept that I was gonna work for Jesus to "thank" (or repay) Him for what he did for me.


The church was just completely senseless.


<><><>


There are other things I could discuss about the situation I faced back in those days, but I'm not sure I want to make a blog post that long to explain.

I'll just say it's strange, or even fraudulent, how the Bishop told me to FORGIVE the Liability's yet he also told me not to talk to them anymore.

This is in direct CONTRADICTION to was LDS prophet Spencer W Kimball taught about forgiveness.

The Bishop set me up for disaster --- to forgive but then not actually forgive is seriously condemned, and this is what the bishop ordered me to do.

Anyway, yeah, I don't believe in Mormonism anymore.

Wondering about Sales

So, related to yesterday's post:

I think I'm noticing a pattern where stores in USA, Canada and UK are either selling my print books, or just throwing them out for recycling or something. The numbers of books in stock just don't match what I would typically see if there was no action.

I can fear two things:

My books are considered so bad that no one will buy them or;

My books are being bought, but I have to fear potentially angry mobs for any or whatever reason about any of the potentially-touchy subject matter I might have talked about.

I try to be honest, I try to say good things, I try to be heading in a good moral direction, ever since I was young I was just trying to be a good boy,

But there are so many factors involved in all this stuff that anything could explode at any moment.

Like, maybe the Mormons won't like me telling the truth about what I experienced and know about their church.

Or maybe my talk of racism in some of my books might cause people to dislike me for whatever reason, like if I said something wrong.

Anyway, either my books are just such crap that stores won't stock them anymore, or people have finally noticed all the marketing I've been doing, and have been buying my books,

at which point I might have to fear about how people will respond to the stories.

Morality is so ------ , I want to say "subjective", in that different people can hold opposing views, both of which sides consider their view to be morally correct.

One guy could believe one thing, another guy could believe something else that is actually opposite and even contradictory to the first guy's belief, yet they could or would both see themselves and being more morally correct and superior to the other guy.

Yeah.

So I tried to be good and moral growing up, but morality can start being questioned based on any number of factors, so basically, yeah, I suppose I should fear potential explosions.

Trying to keep an open mind and having intelligent discussion is important.

Like, for myself, I used to be a true-believing mormon. Now, with my open mind and experience, I now no longer even trust that church. I'm done with them after what I went through and what I understand.

I tried to be a good and moral mormon boy, but there is something seriously wrong with that religion....


So people might take issue with me for leaving the church, and people might take issue with me for ever having supported it.

Bleh.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Likely Sales

According to the screenshot below, I can see that I likely sold 2 softcover copies of my book Letters to Whomever. Usually, both the numbers of in stock books would be 5 and 5, but now it's 5 and 3, so I probably sold two I think.

I am aware of this. Thank you, whoever you are.

I am still waiting for the sales report however. It might eventually be reported, but I've heard rumours that self-publishing companies aren't the most honest so I'm just wondering how to hold my self-publisher accountable if the sales don't get reported.

I suppose it's completely possible that they just decided to stock less of the sequel, but I find that entirely unlikely.

So yeah --- thanks: I am aware of these possible purchases, I just wonder if it'll be reported to me, and if not what to do about it.



Tuesday, April 7, 2015

My Psychological Problems

I am a broken record.

I can never seem to just shut up.

Same stuff over and over and over again.

I have to review my old writing just to make sure I covered the topic properly.

Some things are just such an issue and my brain has a hard time letting go of it.

In early march, I managed getting through most of the month without thinking or worrying about these issues. But it came back to me.

I do have real psychological problems. I made a lot of what I think very clear in Letters to Whomever. I have made even more clear on this blog.

It's like the work I've already done isn't good enough and I've got to say the same stuff over and over again.

There's something wrong with me, the way I can't seem to forget. How it always just pops up in my mind.

I would say more, but I don't know what to say. I'm basically a broken record. If I happen to write you email, then you get many messages discussing the same thing over and over.

I'm an idiot for that. It's just a brain problem, my psychological issue. Not much more to say.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Fraudulent Church

So, in the past few days I've been thinking about how the LDS patriarch told me to travel and preach to the nations as a young man, yet the church seemed to be completely unhelpful and unsupportive of me taking on this task. There was absolutely zero help or support from the church in achieving the goal the patriarch set forth for me.

They just treated me like I was crazy instead.

In fact, the patriarch also said I would hear the voice of the holy ghost ---- but when the holy ghost spoke to me, the church only wanted me to not believe in or deny my own testimony.

This church is absolutely fouled up.

I don't believe in mormonism anymore. The behaviour of their leaders was appalling.

I believe in God and Jesus, but not the LDS church ----- the LDS church is just so wrong and horrible.

So yeah:::

Patriarch told me to travel and preach to nations as young man:::

But church is completely unhelpful and completely unsupporitive.

Patriarch told me I'd hear voice of the holy ghost:::::

But church only wants me to disbelieve and deny my own testimony.



That is absolutely fouled up.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Hyper Mentalism Testing

So, for the past few days I had some pretty decent results with my mentalism tests.

So this morning, I met my sister and did a test with her. I got 1/3 on the alphanumeric pick 3. The probability of getting that is about 1/36, and as that was my only test all day at that point--- I felt enabled, I felt capable.



So, I did several more tests with members of my family ----- all horrible failures. It's like the ability just stopped. Wasn't working anymore.




So, we went out for dinner. I was sitting across the table from my brother-in-law's brother. In our conversation I was constantly trying different kinds of guessing or telepathy tests.


A lot of our attempts didn't work, but we did have some interesting results::::

I thought of the word "Magpie". I asked him to guess my word. He said "Avarice". It was interesting to us because mythically magpies are considered to be greedy thieves -- essentially a relationship between my word and the meaning of his word.

He thought of the word "Elephant". I read him and my word was "Hate".  This was also interesting because they say elephants never forget, and according to mormonism, if you don't forget, then you don't forgive, which means you are hateful. Loose connection.

A few more loose connections of the day::: we did a bunch of tests that failed, but we did have some more interesting results::::

I had him read my mind.

He said: Flamingo.

My original word: Frogs

This was interesting because both words start with the letter F and contain the letter G. It was close enough to please me.

He said: Cheerio

My original word: Coffee

This was interesting because both words start with C and both contain ee.




After he and I parted, we went out driving some more and I finally did one test with my father which was pretty decent:::

I said:: Uncanny or Unicorn.

His original word: Umbilical.

This, again is interesting because all words start with U and contain C.





Soooo ------ TO be honest, my mentalist ability is really not working very well today, worked sort of OK but not what I was hoping for.  Today just wasn't the best day.


I did all this testing because I was all hyper about it ---- probably because I was together with my whole family today. Huh. And because of all my recent success.

Today just wasn't that great.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

An overload of things to say - so I say it on my blog

I am a man bursting full of words. I send enough email, but I don't want to annoy my friends so I let my words spill over onto my blog, where I talk about things in excess because my mind is full of problems and need of vindication for my positions.

Many years ago, I was under a lot of stress and pressure. Just this idea that I was schizophrenic, or unrealistic or mentally ill and the inability of anyone around me to understand my viewpoint was a big problem for me ---- it was a very top concern for a very long time, as the things in The Book of Finch explain.

- I just want to make it clear, so that there is no misunderstanding, that it was understood that I had been MISdiagnosed with schizophrenia by the year 2010.

After about 9 years of kicking and screaming about the whole schizophrenia diagnosis, I finally decided to break a rule and show the doctors and nurses my LDS patriarchal blessing. I'm not schizophrenic anymore -- though I still have some psychological issues.

Probably THE BIGGEST issue that I faced with doctors was this idea that my belief in a magical reality was entirely delusional, hallucinatory, or in other words just plain wrong.

I argued about about all kinds of stuff ---- but with one doctor in particular his key issue was my TELEPATHY.  He wanted to make sure that I stopped my telepathy.

According to him, I was just talking to myself in my own mind and calling it telepathy.

He wanted to take it away from me. He wanted to force an end to my belief, he wanted to change my thought patterns.



Anyway, to put it simply, over the years I have repeatedly shown an actual legitimate ability to read minds. It is understood that I can do it locally, but I myself also know that I can do it globally, at least with the right people.


Basically, in the past few days I did some telepathy tests with my dad --- and I've had REALLY GOOD RESULTS.


My results aren't perfect. Sometimes I'm completely wrong. Often I'm only mostly right. and sometimes I'm 100% correct.

Basically, though I'm not a perfect all-powerful mentalist at this point, I've demonstrated enough ability to know that I am capable.

I can do it with my mother and father demonstrably through home testing ---- and in digital testing with the telepathy zero iPhone app, I ranked 33rd in the world for telepathic ability, though now I think I'm down at maybe 36th (which means there are other people who are better at this ability than I am).



So yeah, it's just kind of strange, to have spent all these years tormented by people telling me I'm mentally ill, forcing me on drugs to believe and think things which I knew were wrong, and eventually I was able to prove myself anyway ----- which meant I had been placed under the power of some seriously, well, wrong individuals who didn't actually do properly or reason with me properly or something. It's like they didn't understand or know properly.

Anyway, it was a real waste of time ---- I had some things I could've been doing with my life, but instead I had to spend those years dealing with thinkers who were less capable than I who had some kind of authority or power over me. Waste of time.


<><><>


As for that latest 1 star review I got on amazon ---- I actually feel good about that review, the reviewer says "feel sorry for the author" ----- I actually love that expression of pity this person has on me.

My book is completely craptastic ---- it was so horrible that I suppose I can only expect 1 star reviews --- but it was nice to see this latest 1 star review seemed to have some sympathy on me ---- I feel good about that. :)

Religious Freedom and The Mormon Church

[Just a note::: THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE. THIS IS MY REAL LEGITIMATE THINKING]

I was just thinking this morning, and I read a little bit from my own book and it reminded me of something::::

In The Book of Finch, Mitchell Liability is "concerned" that I would be befriending his daughter in a religious context of Mormonism, even though we were both Mormons, apparently the religion was such a concern to him that he took away our freedoms of association and religion.

I try to have church disciplinary action taken against him. Basically, there was just so much that I thought was wrong with that situation that I figured he probably shouldn't be a member of the church anymore.

Here's the thing::: The church ruled in Mitchell Liability's favour, deciding that he is allowed to be concerned about my belief in the religion and that our freedom to associate being taken away was lawful in the church, among other things which to the church decided not to discipline.

????

Anyway, fast forward a decade or so, when the church feels religious freedom is under fire, as can be exampled with the Parti Quebecois in Quebec trying to make public religious symbols illegal----

here's the thing, in my personal life, way before religion was publicly under fire ---- The church did DICK ALL (that's canadian for absolutely nothing) to defend my religious freedom, did dick all to defend my religious and associative freedom to find a wife, did dick all to defend my religious belief in working miracles.


I mean, why is it OK for the church to completely NEGLECT defending my freedom a decade ago when NOW it's suddenly a big deal that religious freedom has to be protected?

I just feel like saying **** to the LDS church right now, but I don't type out the whole words because of how rude it would be on blogger.


I mean, it's just hypocrisy, they can't defend my freedoms of association, religion or belief, but 10 years later it suddenly becomes important to them. Wow. ****?


Anyway, I am now understanding why Mitchell Liability would be concerned over the religion I believed in. There are big reasons to be concerned - I just didn't realize it at the time, and he didn't bother to explain it to me himself.


So yeah --- over 10 years ago, when my religious freedom and other freedoms were important to me, the LDS Mormon church did NOTHING TO DEFEND MY RIGHTS.


Then a decade later when religious freedom is under attack in the public square, the church suddenly starts activating their units of defence.

Mind blown.



EDIT:::::


I will just remind everyone that the bishop's decision when dealing with the Liability's is that they were to be forgiven, that I should forgive them --- but then he decided that I shouldn't talk to them anymore.

I just want to note, that according to LDS Prophet Spencer W Kimball in his book "The Miracle of Forgiveness", that the Bishop's decision was UNLAWFUL.

The Bishop's judgment not only wasn't sound in terms of Bible, and D&C doctrine, but also in terms of how he wanted the forgiveness to be carried out:: by not talking to them anymore.

If the Bishop actually wanted me to forgive them, then I would have been allowed to talk to them and converse with them over and over again.

Spencer W Kimball makes it clear that if you forgive someone, but then never talk to them anymore, then you have not truly forgiven them and you are under serious condemnation.

The Bishop's judgment to forgive them but then to restrict communications was UNLAWFUL.