Saturday, February 21, 2015

Recent Feelings About the Church

Believe it or not ---- sometimes I can think about the church and actually have some good ideas about it.

There was a certain man of some level of fame who was excommunicated recently, and I understand that he had some level of love for the LDS church despite not fully following the religion "properly" himself.

I look at myself, and realize I've lost my love for that church long ago --- I used to love it, but things just became so retarded that I have a very difficult time thinking nice thoughts about it.  Anyway, I think I'm still a member, although my last and final email to the stake president involved me swearing at him about the poor leadership of a past leader.

I just hope the stake president knows I don't have anything against him personally.

Anyway, I'm really psychologically screwed up about the church, I don't particularly care for it anymore and I sometimes get so close to resigning my membership-----

But I do believe in and have a working knowledge of miracles in the LDS church. I know the church isn't completely fake, even if there is a lack of physical evidence for most people.

Anyway, like this certain man of some fame who was recently excommunicated, we both find good things in Mormonism.

But this man who was excommunicated seemed to have diminished faith in God, he seemed pretty close to atheistic as I saw him, or maybe agnostic, but anyway----

He was trying to be a Mormon without having much faith in the supreme being, he was trying to live the life without the actual faith.

There are some things about the church which even I would find questionable, as we already know ----- But I don't understand how you can call yourself a mormon and yet have no actual real faith or belief in God.

Basically, there were a number of reasons pointed out which, put all together, that drove his stake presidency or high council to excommunicate him,

But when I look at what he said and realize that he lacked total faith in Christ and wasn't really certain about God's existence either ---- In my personal decision making and judgement----

I would say his excommunication was validated.

I have a hard time with people in the church who don't actually believe in God. Why are you a member if you can't just accept God's existence?

If you don't believe in God, in my opinion, then you have absolutely no business in the LDS church as far as I'm concerned. If you do have business, it's just so you'll start believing in God ---- But let's just say that when you got baptized you were already supposed to have that faith.

Anyway, I'm personally saying that I agree with this man's excommunication simply because I view his lack of actual faith in God to not be representative of the very essence of something a Mormon really should believe.

Not that my opinion matters of course.

But in all the garbage going around the internet or in my personal life about the LDS church ----- I find it fitting that they would excommunicate someone who tried to be and wanted to be a member who didn't actually believe in God.  That's good on the church.

I totally agree the church has been very retarded over time, but I think the church's practise of building faith in God has paid off in my life personally, and if there's anything good about Mormonism, it's that they do, in their way, lead you to Christ, and as such that makes the organization acceptable.

It's debatable if Mormons truly are Christian ----- but in my life personally, the LDS church really did lead me to Christ, and I fully accept that.

It's beyond me to see how someone who doesn't even believe in God could be considered Mormon.


My Opinion is Not Valid?

My mind is constantly got processes running about what I know or thought or experienced in the LDS church ---- and as it's in my mind, it sometimes comes out of my mouth, and my family can never handle it.  They know what my problems and issues are, I think they do understand-----

But my mom doesn't think the church is as worthless as I understand it to be, and well, though they understand my position, nothing seems to stop the thoughts.


A Patriarchal blessing is almost as powerful or authoritative as an Apostolic Blessing.

Basically, apostles give Apostolic Blessings, and they are right at the top of the heap of the LDS church hierarchy.

A Patriarch is like, one rung lower than that in the power of their blessing.

Anyway, my Patriarchal Blessing told me I would have experiences where I would HEAR THE VOICE OF THE HOLY GHOST.

Basically, by some kind of explicitly declared divine right, I am actually allowed to hear the Holy Ghost speak to me, by voice.

But what bothers me is, though a blessing that's just a rung lower from the top has declared I'd hear the voice of the holy ghost ------ It seems that LDS people do not consider my opinion or knowledge about what the holy ghost said to be valid.


My opinion about what the holy ghost has actually said to me is actually completely invalid in the minds of certain LDS people for who knows what reason by who knows what authority despite the fact that a High Level Official Blessing Explicitly declared I would hear the voice.

Yeah. A rung lower than Apostle said the Holy Ghost could verbally speak to me, yet on the, like, one occasion where I've heard the verbal voice, my experience or opinion of the voice is immediately considered invalid as if the Patriarch was just nonsense.

Yeah, huh.

Anyway, yeah. Hmmm. By divine high level authority I am authorized to receive a specific kind of revelation, yet somehow certain people in the church consider my opinion on revelation to be completely invalid.

I don't know how someone who rejects the power of the patriarch, or rejects the supernatural nature and beliefs of the church could be held in good standing, but apparently the church manages to hobble on with this system of thinking.

Really, no idea.

And that's what's been driving me nuts for the past half hour to two hours now.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Perhaps the biggest reason why I try to maintain a friendly attitude towards the Mormons is because part of my immediate family still believes in that stuff.

I may have experienced LDS - related miracles, but it is also true that the "Jesus" I saw in 2004 was smoking a cigarette, so it seems unlikely to my mind, most of the time, that the LDS church really is fully legitimate.

I may go to bed trying to think nice things about LDS Mormons, when by the time I get up the next morning it's usually not hard for me to have thought of something I don't like or appreciate about the church.

I try to stay friendly with the church because some members of my family still believe in it. There's no point trying to convince these family members of how flawed their beliefs are.

All I know is that even if I am being friendly ---- it is essentially impossible for me to fully believe in the organization.

In LDS mormonism, you always have to do what your leader says no matter what, and you aren't allowed to criticize at all.

I am completely unable to follow those rules with what i went through under past leaders.

I was told in my patriarchal blessing that I'd hear the voice of the Holy Ghost.

Guess what? Turns out the Stake President didn't actually believe in that voice, or was otherwise trying to deceive me about it -------- for this reason I can't fully accept the church.

My Bishop was probably worse than my stake president though, and well, for very similar reasons, I just can not accept the LDS church.

If LDS people insist that these are good men, which they do, then I find the church to be downright unreasonable and stupid.

The bishop told me to follow the council of psychiatrists. The psychiatrists didn't let me believe in the miracles the church said I would work.

I either had to follow the bishop and deny the miracles, or I had to reject the bishop and therefore be criticized for not following him and being critical of my leaders.

It was just a no good situation. I can NOT fully believe in the LDS church after that.

My mind could go on and on about the zillion problems I found in the church, but basically I'm saying I'm a fence sitter -- I'm a flip-flopper, the biggest reason I try to have a friendly attitude towards the church is because some members of my family still believe in it.

I think it's sad that they are so brainwashed that they don't understand or don't act on what I've tried to tell them, but that's just the way it is.


I'll end this blog post by reminding you of my experience in the church::::

If you are imperfect in even a small way, the church will just constantly criticize you about it.

If you achieve that supernatural-godlike state like you are supposed to, then the church will just force you on drugs because of how crazy that is.

The whole thing is basically just unreasonable.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

My Place with Tithing

So, I'm getting back into a better mood about Mormonism again ---- it's just so sad how much I flip-flop on the topic.

Part of my happiness with Mormonism now is that even if Joseph Smith was lying, he had good intentions and was trying to accomplish something good. I understand that.

But then there's this other part of me which wonders if he may have even been telling the truth or some truth, because I think that there is some real evidence of miraculous reality in Mormonism.

OK --- I've heard of some people who leave the church who never experienced anything miraculous, apparently, in that organization.

To me, the organization is very much miraculous or got something magical about it, and it just has huge failings and deep flaws in other ways.

I'm impressed with the miracles, but some of the problems sometimes cause me to flop into a rejection of the church.

But now I'm in a good mood.

Anyway, I'm just writing this blog post to explain where I stand on tithing.

When my family still had home teachers, when we still visited the church leaders in their offices, though I was being invited to attend regularly, invited to become an elder --- I was basically being invited to be a good church boy again ----- with one thing missing - tithing.

Believe it or not, the LDS church must've realized it screwed up somewhere in my life, and as such they actually DO NOT REQUIRE ME TO PAY ANY TITHING.

For a while I paid tithing anyway....

But in the end, I actually started feeling pained, or spiritual pain ---- I felt BAD about paying tithing.

So I don't pay tithing anymore.  But I'm not greedy either ---- I donate a bunch of my monthly paycheque to other charities. And I feel good about that.

So, basically, I'm in a happy mood about Mormonism right now ----- and I think it's especially nice of them that they would FINALLY forgive my sexual habit, and that they would even accept me without requiring me to pay tithing.

That is correct. According to Mormonism, I either can or may have been able to go to heaven without paying tithing anymore ----- it's not something they require from me at all.

Which is absolutely strange and amazing. I could've been a good-boy member again, without being required to pay 10% of my income. Wow.

That is actually the honest truth.

So why did I leave and never go back??? I had way too many memories and misunderstandings about a bunch of the crap I experienced in the church. My brain went hay-wire about all kinds of things that happened. I didn't want to be around it anymore.

Of course, there was also a part of me that was essentially programmed to think that if I was going to participate in the Mormon church, that I had to be chaste and that I had to pay tithing ----- and I'm not sure I was able to feel comfortable being in a "special" position where I could be in good standing whilst not having the same requirements placed upon me.

Basically, I'm in a good mood about the LDS church again, and I am so sad that I was so angry at the stake president. It wasn't anything personal at him of course, he was a very nice man and he was trying to help me ----- I basically just have psychological issues.

Yup ------ Even if the psychiatric doctors or nurses were finally able to determine that I'm not actually schizophrenic, I do have some kind of mental issue anyway, and basically I go all hay-wire over the church about some of the issues that happened.

But I'm in a good mood today.

And I just felt it was important to mention that though the church stopped requiring my tithing, I still give plenty to other charities anyway.

And I'm always pretty darned certain that I really did experience the miraculous in the LDS church.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Be happy with what I have, being comfortable where I am, and wonderings

So, this morning I remembered that from weeks ago I received two emails within days of each other telling me that big lottery winners wanted to donate large sums of cash to me, and these emails were somehow attached to schools of higher learning.

It is easy to assume that emails that offer large amount of money for little effort are scams.

But of all the emails I've ever received of that type, these two looked like they could have potentially been the most legitimate, although there were warnings on the internet that these messages couldn't be trusted.

Anyway, one of the emails was from a local lottery winner, attached to a local school, so it was interesting to see.

Anyway, even if the emails weren't scams, there might be some level of moral obligation to the donator for having received their donation.

With the possibility of obligation and responsibility, it's easy to put that much money aside and think "I'm don't think I'm ready for that, at my level in life".

Anyway, with the possibility that i could have received a fortune in donations, yet having rejected it, I find it easier to just look at my life and say "I'm happy with what I have. I just have to live with what I've got". Of course, I do have dreams of buying a condo or starting a real business building video games, but as I am right now, those dreams are far beyond reach.


With my OUYA games on the market, I also seemed to receive a few job offers, at least one or two of which appeared legitimate and one I even felt inclined to go for.

But I didn't go for them. I realize that I don't have formal education in computer programming or game development and that I can't even drive a car, and I realized that I'm far more comfortable with where I am in life than where I may have ended up.

Just being happy with what I have again.


And of course, this is the part where I put my standard wonderings about the LDS church or why my sales or so low.

First: sales:

Last night I watched a youtube video which talked about 20 teenagers who became self-made-millionaires.

I sit here and think::: what did I do wrong?? I mean, as a kid I grew up with an unemployed father and we were very poor, so that was hopeless, but for my real attempts at making money in the past 5 years, what did I do so wrong to achieve so little?

Well, I guess I'm not a total pro at what I was doing, that might be one. Bah, basically, I just compared myself to these people in this video and really wondered what I did wrong. I probably started off a lot poorer for one, and it didn't help that I became mentally ill for two, I guess.

Second: LDS church:

I look at my life in the LDS church, and I know that I'm not likely to go back there, there was just too much garbage coming from leadership and membership in my area, and it's interesting some of the "scientific facts" that are coming up which show the LDS church to be a likely fraud----

But if it wasn't for these rotten experiences with very imperfect people, I have a whole bunch of LDS church related miracles in my life which would have convinced me that the church really was true.

These miracles are fading into distant memory now ---- but I do still kind of wonder how GOD would let me experience so many miraculous occurrences in my life in relation to the LDS church  if the LDS church really was just a fraud.

I would have fully believed in LDS Mormonism if it wasn't for some really quite very bad decisions people made at the local level.

When I wrote my book and told of these magical occurrences, I wasn't lying, I still maintain my witness of these things today. I would've stayed with the church, likely, because of these things if the local people didn't turn out to be so "rotten".

Anyway, just kinda have to wonder how I could have experienced these miraculous things if the church really is a fraud. Very strange --- but there are some explanations for it, given to me by others, which are not heavily present on my memory right now.

Anyway, yeah.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A Refund

So, today I checked my amazon sales, and saw that someone bought Letters To Whomever, but then also refunded it.

Probably one of those mormons who can't accept anything that might not seem wonderful, or anything critical.

That inspired me to read the first bunch of pages of my own book, Letters to Whomever.

One thing really stood out to me in those pages::::

My old young men's leader criticized, condemned, treated me like I was damned just because of my small sins.

Yet the Stake President demanded forgiveness for past church leaders who admittedly had wronged me.

It's interesting that I received such condemnation from a young men's leaders for acts that are barely considered sinful, but the outrageously wrong acts of past church leaders demand forgiveness.

So::: what have I ever done to condemn or not forgive my past church leaders? I'm not angry anymore, I have a bit of a memory of what they did, but I never harmed these two men in any way unless my talking about what they did was harmful.

Anyway, it's just interesting that my young men's leader is so full of condemnation (and he was also full of condemnation as I was growing up), but when church leaders do wrong they forget all the condemnation they threw at me and demand forgiveness.

I just don't understand it. Maybe if they weren't so condemning of me, I'd have learned to be more forgiving by their good example, and then not condemned anyone myself.

Anyway, another thing I was thinking about was this:::: a sinner can pray to God about their sins and still be exalted, according to the bible.

And then in D&C 132:26-27 we read that you can commit pretty much any sin and still receive your exaltation.  The only sin you aren't allowed to commit is murder.

Basically, the bible says sinners can be exalted, and Joseph Smith agreed that sinners can and will be exalted.

But the church condemned me for such small acts that can hardly be considered sinful, and well, with they way they wouldn't let me get married or actually accept the "exaltation" God gave me by telling me to be with Avril Lavigne...

Basically, God exalted me by telling me I'm friends with Avril Lavigne, but the church didn't want me to do that ---- and in the church there's only one way someone can lose their exaltation:: by committing murder.

Can it therefore be understood that the LDS church wanted me to commit murder?

I can only speculate.

They didn't want me to have my blessing or exaltation, and the only way they could actually achieve that is if I actually murdered someone.

Stupid church. They're no better than my grade 8 and 9 classmates who decided they'd hypnotize me to do awful things.


I just don't understand it.

They'll condemn me over such small things, even though their own scriptures say that any type of sin except murder will receive exaltation, and then they want to take away my exaltation too which means they'll have to get me to commit murder, which is the only way Joseph Smith says I can lose my exaltation.

Pure stupidity.

So, am I a murderer? Or was God just being vengeful on my behalf? I never did anything to anyone that would kill anybody, besides praying to God about my problems.

Anyway, if the Holy Ghost was actually putting me and Avril together, then according to Joseph Smith, we will always be together and we will be exalted until one of us actually commits actual murder.

And the church wanted me to fail it seems, so it seems very much like the LDS church was actually encouraging me to commit a most vile sin or crime.

Wow. Unbelievable.

Well, I guess that's what you get when your bishop is the type of guy who'll falsely accuse you of making a deal with the devil.


Monday, February 2, 2015

My Lack of Good Judgment

For the past day or two I've had this idea that I should comment on a recurring theme in my life::: I seem to exhibit a lack of good judgment in so many ways.

It was a good idea for me to build video games. That was fun. It was something to do, and I'm happy with my work.

But, I think I failed to impress the game-playing public, and I can understand why too: in all four of my video games, in the publishing and development and whatnot, I made mistakes.

1) Pfhonge - Didn't include the music until later, had a crappy main menu originally, and only eventually did I fix an internal crash or glitch the game had.

2) ICBM - I released this game on Xbox One Day One ---- that in itself, though a cool idea, was probably an error. The first release didn't have a "back" button during gameplay. When I implemented Autosaves, the game had a nasty crash that would happen every time on the 4th turn, and that may have destroyed my business. Good thing I fixed it though.

3) Air Defence - This game had a few bugs, and I liked my work, but somehow it earned the ire of an reviewer who made all kinds of nasty comments about it. I don't agree with a lot of what the reviewer said, and I'm disappointed no one just emailed me a suggestion to improve the game, but though Air Defence was pretty good (IMO) and it's everything I wanted it to be, it was probably bad judgment to create a product that would upset a reviewer.

4) Doorless Darts - This game was a pretty good idea, and it works pretty well, but there has to be some kind of explanation for why it's had only 2 sales after a month of being on the market::: either no one cares about darts, or there's one or two little problems in the game (which I have tried to rectify) that some people might notice and then they may decide it's no good and not buy it. Still, it's too bad no one has commented.

I mean, even with ICBM, there was a nasty crash in the game and NOBODY COMMENTED about it!  Either I'm not seeing my email, or no one wants to file a bug report. Hmmm.

Anyway, when playing video games I recently saw myself exhibit a lack of judgment:::

Pathfinder Online ---- My brother started playing Pathfinder Online in mid-January and so I decided I would buy in and start playing right at the end of January too.

Being an Early Enrolment dude, I got the good fortune of starting the game with 5 silver, which is 5 silver more than most players will start the game with.

Through playing the game, I managed to find my way up to around 6 or 7 silver. Not knowing that the banking system in the game was interconnected, I decided to take a journey and carry 4 silver with me. Bad idea. As I was running away from bandits (one of which was a wizard), my game crashed, and I had to log in only to find that I had died, and though I recovered most of my items, the most important items, namely the 4 silver and a recipe I was carrying, had disappeared. Really stupid move on my part. I was also stupid because I was a noob and didn't realize that I just had to right-click on that recipe to learn it, rather than having to run back to that other town to buy another copy. Yes --- I exhibited some bad judgment recently while playing a video game.

So, yeah, those are some video gaming examples of how I am a man who can sometimes express poor judgment.

In real life, I was mentally ill, and not only was the mental illness an exhibition of poor judgment, but being mentally ill and not completely realizing it was also another example of my poor judgment.

And before I went crazy, I was doing really-really good in school, but I had made some poor decisions back then too. Although, youngsters often make many poor decisions, so I suppose there was nothing special about me in that case -- I was special for being such a good student though.

Looking back on my life, I've started to think that I was a poor judge of character and choice when I decided to join the LDS Mormon Church. Of course, I was only 7 or 8 years old, and I was being indoctrinated with no opposing viewpoint presented, and the 3 older members of my immediate family had already joined the church, so maybe I didn't have much of a way to reject the church, especially considering how life was bad back then and I had hopes life would improve if I joined the church. Anyway, retrospect is 20/20, and looking back I see that there are so many things completely wrong with the church that I would never have realized as a child.

Heck, as a child, I didn't know the LDS church once practised polygamy, I didn't even know what polygamy was.  That's right::: When I was baptized, I didn't even know about the polygamy, I learned about that later in school. Stupid right?

Anyway, I am generally regarded as intelligent by those around me, but I do look at my own life in so many ways, and realize that I often exhibit poor judgment. I'm not perfect.

I just try to get on in life now, living peacefully and trying to do no wrong. I'm not perfect though.