Monday, January 26, 2015

Darned if you Do - Darned if you Don't - No Options

I was just laying in bed, listening to music, and thinking about my life.

We can't be certain if my extreme sexual desire is caused by my dead grandmother, some other ghost, or if it really is just my natural hormones or natural biology that causes the extreme sexual urges....

But we can be certain that I basically really did or do have some kind of requirement in my life to have sex, in one way or another. No matter how you cut it::: There are some extremely strong feelings that can not be avoided or gotten rid of until you've satisfied the urge. And in order to think straight about anything, it's imperative to get rid of those feelings.

Anyway, so we know that as I grew up in LDS mormonism, that the Bishop and other Leaders made a big deal out of masturbation, and criticized and condemned the practise harshly.  In a church that teaches mandatory forgiveness, it was kind of strange how you could never just "be forgiven" for engaging in this practice.

Anyway, so you are criticized for masturbating::: what are your other options?

I never tried to sexually assault anyone or fornicate, so I don't have experience with those things, but I think I can safely assume those actions would be justly or heavily criticized.

But what about trying to get married?

In my life, there was a girl who liked me, I tried to be her friend, courtship to marriage, but I was met with extremely angry and vicious parents who didn't like this idea that I would want to marry their daughter, and the church agreed with the parents that I should not be trying to be friends with this girl, even though she herself initially wanted to be my friend.

So, girl 1 is down, my sex life would be in order if I could have married her, but that didn't work because of extremely vicious anger and criticism.

So another girl came along, and it seemed very apparent that she was also interested in me.

But, lo and behold, the Bishop isn't going to allow the relationship and the church is entirely critical of my friendship with this girl. In fact, despite the fact that this girl is publicly showing interest in me as a potential boyfriend or lover of some sort, everyone is just critical and there is no joy in this attempted realization either.

So, girl 2 is down, my sex life would be in order if I could have married her, but that didn't work out because of criticism and general disapproval of our relationship.

So, eventually I befriended a third girl, but she just decided to marry someone else, I think, and she eventually stopped talking to me. (and she even stated that she wanted to be my first love interest rather than the third)

Anyway, I look at my life, I see myself as being unable to avoid some kind of sexual activity, yet I'm constantly being criticized for masturbating, and I'm constantly being criticized for trying to get married too.

The only real option that might avoid criticism is to just never have anything sexual going on ----- but according to intense feelings in my groin, that's impossible to achieve.

Anyway, so, I can't masturbate without being criticized, and I can't approach a potential mate (who even also wanted me too) without being criticized --- and the church is heavily involved in my experience with all the criticisms.

So what exactly am I supposed to do? I can't avoid sex, but I can't have anything to do with it either. I'm always being criticized no matter what I try.

And I have little to no interest in any more relationships, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start.

Basically, yeah, I can't try to get married without getting criticized, and I can't just satiate my own needs myself without being criticized:::

So what exactly was I supposed to do? It appears that there is no 'right choice' possible.

It should be no wonder why I went insane.

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