Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Someone Died Today or Recently

Well, today I found out from my father that someone we knew at church has passed away. The man was very old, and it's believed he died from Old Age.

The death must have been just today or recently, because I haven't found any obituaries in the most recent days. I can't find anything about this man dying in newspapers in Alberta that I've looked up, so it must be a brand new death, probably today.

Why am I saying this?

A couple days ago I posted on this blog about how my sex life just doesn't work in Mormonism ---- I have over-active hormones, and I get criticized for pleasing myself, and I get criticized whenever I try to actually date or marry anyone too.

Basically, in that forum post, it appeared there was no way to win when it came to my sex life and mormonism. I can't date a girl, even if she initially did want me, without being criticized, and I can't just satiate my own needs or desires without being criticized either --- there's no way I can win in the history of my life in that organization.

Anyway, before I wrote about it on my blog, I also told GOD about the conundrum. I just can't win. No sex would be a winning option, but it's not an option if you know how it feels to be me. Any other option is completely off-limits in my experience, so I just get criticized, I can't win.

So, yeah, I told GOD about this little fact of my life, and in the time following me telling GOD about this stuff, and even after I wrote on my blog, I started having a mind filled with ideas or thoughts about "Will there be any disintegrations?"

Basically, the word "Disintegrations" or "Disintegration" appeared in my mind multiple time in relation to the problem I was thinking about, and I realized it meant "death" because of the use of the word in a science fiction setting.

Anyway, I don't think or know of anything this man might have had to do with the way the church treated me about any facet of my sex life, I don't know of any involvement by him:::::

But it is such a coincidence that he would die so shortly after me having thoughts about these problems and thoughts entering my mind about possible "Disintegrations".

Anyway, this is relevant to my blog because of how it fits with the story of The Book of Finch, which is really just history repeating itself at this point.

There might be absolutely no relationship at all ---- but in my mind it looks like there could have been a connection or at least it's one of the biggest coincidences ever.

To be honest::: I wasn't thinking about anyone dying for a long time, and no one died. I recently have some thoughts, and someone dies. Hmm. wow.

Sorry everyone, I tried to be a good boy growing up, but my life in the LDS church just didn't seem to work out, and any death that may have any relationship to myself can only be interpreted as or seen as the hand of God giving retribution or retaliation or whatever on my behalf.

Sorry guys.


ADDITIONAL:::: January 29th 2015:::::

The obituary has appeared finally. He died on the morning of January 27th, which is just hours after me praying to God and making my blog post.

He was a pretty good friend of my father's, and he really may have died from old age with how old he was.

This morning I woke up to the sound of our doorbell ringing. I sprang out of bed to check the door, but no one was there. Hmmmm.

Anyway, it was a great big coincidence that I would have re-emerging concerns about my inability to win in any circumstance, that thoughts of "disintegration" would appear in my head, and the next morning someone we knew was dead. Just so strange, big coincidence. Anywho.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Darned if you Do - Darned if you Don't - No Options

I was just laying in bed, listening to music, and thinking about my life.

We can't be certain if my extreme sexual desire is caused by my dead grandmother, some other ghost, or if it really is just my natural hormones or natural biology that causes the extreme sexual urges....

But we can be certain that I basically really did or do have some kind of requirement in my life to have sex, in one way or another. No matter how you cut it::: There are some extremely strong feelings that can not be avoided or gotten rid of until you've satisfied the urge. And in order to think straight about anything, it's imperative to get rid of those feelings.

Anyway, so we know that as I grew up in LDS mormonism, that the Bishop and other Leaders made a big deal out of masturbation, and criticized and condemned the practise harshly.  In a church that teaches mandatory forgiveness, it was kind of strange how you could never just "be forgiven" for engaging in this practice.

Anyway, so you are criticized for masturbating::: what are your other options?

I never tried to sexually assault anyone or fornicate, so I don't have experience with those things, but I think I can safely assume those actions would be justly or heavily criticized.

But what about trying to get married?

In my life, there was a girl who liked me, I tried to be her friend, courtship to marriage, but I was met with extremely angry and vicious parents who didn't like this idea that I would want to marry their daughter, and the church agreed with the parents that I should not be trying to be friends with this girl, even though she herself initially wanted to be my friend.

So, girl 1 is down, my sex life would be in order if I could have married her, but that didn't work because of extremely vicious anger and criticism.

So another girl came along, and it seemed very apparent that she was also interested in me.

But, lo and behold, the Bishop isn't going to allow the relationship and the church is entirely critical of my friendship with this girl. In fact, despite the fact that this girl is publicly showing interest in me as a potential boyfriend or lover of some sort, everyone is just critical and there is no joy in this attempted realization either.

So, girl 2 is down, my sex life would be in order if I could have married her, but that didn't work out because of criticism and general disapproval of our relationship.


So, eventually I befriended a third girl, but she just decided to marry someone else, I think, and she eventually stopped talking to me. (and she even stated that she wanted to be my first love interest rather than the third)


Anyway, I look at my life, I see myself as being unable to avoid some kind of sexual activity, yet I'm constantly being criticized for masturbating, and I'm constantly being criticized for trying to get married too.


The only real option that might avoid criticism is to just never have anything sexual going on ----- but according to intense feelings in my groin, that's impossible to achieve.


Anyway, so, I can't masturbate without being criticized, and I can't approach a potential mate (who even also wanted me too) without being criticized --- and the church is heavily involved in my experience with all the criticisms.


So what exactly am I supposed to do? I can't avoid sex, but I can't have anything to do with it either. I'm always being criticized no matter what I try.

And I have little to no interest in any more relationships, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start.

Basically, yeah, I can't try to get married without getting criticized, and I can't just satiate my own needs myself without being criticized:::

So what exactly was I supposed to do? It appears that there is no 'right choice' possible.

It should be no wonder why I went insane.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Blocked Messages

Hey Everyone:

You know how I ask people for suggestions, comments and bug reports in email for my videogames?

Well --- Pretty much, no one ever sends anything.  If you sent something --- it never got through, no one says anything to me.

Anyway, I have some reason to believe that this is the new reality in my life::::


Earlier this month, I got a friend request on Facebook from an Avril Lavigne fan in Brazil, but I was 40 minutes late to my phone, and by the time I wanted to accept the friend request, the brazillian fan's FB page had disappeared.

Then this evening, my phone told me I got a new message or private message on Facebook, yet when I checked facebook, the message was said to be there with a big number 1, but there was no actual message to be seen.

Someone is trying to contact me, and the messages just aren't reaching me, there's something blocking it.


Anyway, the interesting thing to note about these experiences is that within 24 hours before each message, I had sent an email to my old psychiatric nurse and the Avril Bandaids forum moderator to discuss my ultra-cool recent news.

It was like this:: I'd send cool news to Avril's bandaids, and then I'd find an Avril fan wanting to be my friend or a message on facebook, except I don't get to know what they're saying or what that's all about because I CAN'T see it. It's blocked or something.


Anyway, there's another experience I had earlier this month where I think I had sent a cool message to Avril's foundation (with paypal) about the release of my new video game, and very shortly afterward I got a phonecall which I tried to pick up on my iPad but no one was there (using Apple's new technology that allows phonecalls from your cellphone on your ipad and computer)

I recently tried to get a phone investigation company to look up who the phonecall belonged to, but found that it was probably something like Skype or some other VOIP service and I couldn't know who it was.

Anyway, I recently got another phonecall that I didn't pick up because I was probably busy or sleeping, and I did that same investigation on their phonenumber::::


I discovered this most recent phonecall I had received from some unknown caller was actually from a REALTOR.

OK --- let me back up --- in one of my emails to Avril's fanpage moderator, I talked about or complained about how very few people seem to have the $1 to give me any money for my books or games, it seems to be impossible to sell anything::

anyway, I ended the email with something like "I wish I could buy a condo - that would be nice" or something like that,


Anyway, I got this phonecall that I didn't pick up (I wasn't anywhere near my phone at the time) from a Realtor, and guess what the phone-lookup company said about this Realtor's address?

His address is apparently CANFIELD CRESCENT in South West Calgary.

???

So I look at Google Maps about about Canfield Crescent and nearby locations, only to find that Canfield Crescent is located very close to a "Canaveral Crescent" and "Canaveral Road".

Yeah. Huh.  Other names of roads in that area are things like "Cannes" (a place in France I think) and "Canterbury", like the Archbishop of Canterbury, which is kind of interesting, considering the religious significance.



Anyway, yeah, I've had some interesting stuff and cool things happening, or seemingly cool things, but if I'm not screening your call because I don't recognize the number, then facebook is blocking your message from my sight, so who knows.

Actually, that one phonecall from the VOIP or Skype that I tried to pick up on my iPad -- well, I tried to pick up and talk, but the person on the other end didn't say anything or just hung up or something.

Who knows.

It's kind of cool to see this stuff, but I also kind of wonder why I'm not allowed to see or hear an actual message. :)

Anyway, yeah, just fun cool stuff like that. :)

Friday, January 23, 2015

Forgiving Things

Growing up in the LDS church, the church leaders such as bishop and young mens advisors were constantly giving us young men a hard time about masturbating.

Masturbation was just such a problem apparently, they couldn't just leave us alone.

Anyway, my understanding of my own life is that the ghost of my grandmother sexually abused me right after she died, and therefore I was instantly addicted to sex, and I found I physically needed to masturbate or else go crazy from strong and intense feelings of sexual need (that I would go crazy from if I didn't fulfill, or masturbate).

Anyway, upon discovering that I actually masturbate because my grandmother's ghost was sexually abusing me, what is the church gonna say about that?

Something tells me that it's gonna be D&C 64, where we are required to forgive all men.

So there you go. Like with every terrible sin or crime, the LDS church will just require me to forgive my grandmother for the way she abused me.


Which brings up a question::::::



IF I just have to forgive my grandmother for sexually abusing me, THEN WHY ON EARTH WERE THE LEADERS GIVING THE YOUNG MEN SUCH A HARD TIME ABOUT MASTURBATION IN THE FIRST PLACE????


I mean, a sexual abuser can just be forgiven.  But someone with overpowering hormones has to be constantly criticized and essentially abused about the type and nature of their body, or even just criticized constantly for making their own choice.


Yup --- it makes no sense, they'd tell you that you are required to forgive sexual abuse, but they constantly hound individuals about what they do with themselves in their private time, so I'm kind of wondering what their definition of "forgive" is or what their logic is.



Is it a situation where I'm supposed to not feel angry at my grandmother but they'll still punish her? That sounds like the mormon definition of forgiveness, but it's not actual forgiveness.


Like, when the church locked me up and forced me on drugs and told me to not believe in God anymore::: Was that an LDS church expression of forgiveness??


If my grandmother has to be punished for molesting me, or if I had to be locked up by the church for what I did-----


Then why did the Bishop insist that the Liability's had to be forgiven of their angry and vicious behaviour?


1st off::: Their senseless anger was an instant indication that they should have been dealt with, or should not have been forgiven, in the first place, even according to mormon doctrine---

But they were forgiven of senseless and vicious anger. They weren't supposed to be, but they were.

The thing is, if I get punished for doing something wrong, or if my grandmother has to be dealt with in the spirit world ----- Then why couldn't the church just deal with the Liability's?



Actually, a while back I discussed this with my dad, and he just decided that the church works a double standard, where some people always get forgiven regardless of the crime while others always have to forgive others but don't get forgiven. Just decided it was a double standard, and it makes the church look very untrue.


So basically:::

If my grandmother had to be forgiven, then why constantly pester the young men about what they might do in private?

And if my grandmother has to be dealt with for what she did, then why where the Liability's not dealt with especially when it was clear that their type of sin should have been dealt with?



That's just what I had on my mind this evening.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Pfhonge Score Mode Now Free

With the release of "Little Pong" on OUYA, I can't help but feel that all the free pong games are undercutting my $0.99 price tag on my game "Pfhonge".

So, as such, I see it as pointless to continue charging $0.99 for Pfhonge Score Mode, and now you can obtain Pfhonge Score Mode for FREE, or a price tag of $0.00.

I don't want OUYA to go out of business, because I REALLY LIKE THE OUYA ----- but with all the free games and the inability to sell something for even $0.99, OUYA might run out of money, and therefore the natural result of running out of money is to go out of business.

Who knows, maybe the games I made are just crap and aren't worth the $0.99 price tag, and of course, the fact that people are unwilling to buy my games or my books just makes me feel bad, I feel like a worthless or useless individual when people don't buy my stuff (which is almost all the time).

Anyway, I recently figured that it wasn't a secret government tax --- it really probably is just that people don't buy my stuff.

So yeah, I'm sad that I'm not even worth $0.99 to most people, I'm sad that I'm not making money, that OUYA might run out of money, and yeah, anywho.

Anyway, now you can have the score mode of Pfhonge for free. I just couldn't compete at $0.99 with FREE. Yeah. Anyway.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

My "Mental Illness"

So, I grew up in the LDS Mormon church, they told me I'd witness and perform miracles, among other things, like hearing the voice of the holy ghost, and gave me a strong belief in the possibility of meeting God and angels.

Because of my belief in being able to work miracles, hearing the voice of the holy spirit, and seeing Jesus I was considered schizophrenic.

It's clear from one reviewer of my book that I am schizophrenic. Either the reviewer doesn't take the LDS church seriously himself, or he didn't quite get through a certain part of my book properly:::::

When I showed the nurses and the psychiatrists my LDS Patriarchal Blessing, the actual document that says I'd witness and perform miracles, the document that says I'd hear the voice of the holy ghost, the document that says I could've been with Avril Lavigne --- they actually decided that I'm NOT schizophrenic.

They decided that what I was going through very much resembled schizophrenia but was not, in fact, actual schizophrenia.

If a person is told a lie a million times and they believe it, they are delusional. But it's not their own fault they believed a lie, or rather it's not their own fault that they were told a lie and convinced to believe it, well, not fully their own fault.

Anyway, so the reviewer(s) of my book take it that I'm schizophrenic, when if you actually read the story of my book you'd find that the doctors withdrew that diagnosis because I was actually physically and legitimately told by ordained clergy to believe those things.

Here's the funny thing though::: It is apparently true that believing you can work miracles and thinking you can see Jesus does, in fact, actually make you legally schizophrenic.

So, I believe there were some miracles, I still know that I either legitimately saw or hallucinated the appearance of Jesus Christ, so therefore under some kind of legal definition I am considered schizophrenic.



Well, if I'm schizophrenic for believing things the church taught me, and since the church didn't bother to defend any of the things they told me to believe, and didn't even defend my reputation of sanity and upheld an idea that I was crazy even though I was only believing what they told me:

Basically:: if the church won't defend my sanity just because I was believing in the things they taught me, then obviously the LDS church can "go away", to put it lightly.

I don't need Mormons or LDS people around anymore with all the garbage their religion pulls.

If I'm schizophrenic for believing what the church taught me, and the church won't defend me, and Joseph Smith also thought he met God, then Joseph Smith is also insane and I really have no business with these lunatics who run around claiming truth but end up just putting people in psychiatric hospitals.

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Here's another interesting thing about Mormons::: they claim they forgive everybody, but in reality they don't forgive anyone at all.

The reason for this is they changed the definition of 'forgiveness'.

In the eyes of regular humanity, the word "forgive" means to let someone off the hook, to pardon, to remove the punishment for an offense.

Mormons don't believe in that however.  They believe they can punish and forgive a person for the sane crime at the same time.

Mormons believe that "to forgive" just means that they won't feel angry and an offender, but the offender will still be punished.

Therefore, they claim they forgive everyone, when they actually never forgive, because there is actually no word in mormonism for letting anyone off the hook ---- there is always a punishment or consequence in mormonism, it's not their doctrine to just let things go.  They just try to feel good inside.

That means when they are judged by God, God will forgive them, which means God won't feel angry at them, but they'll still have to burn in hell anyway.

Oh well.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

How I Will Probably Never Marry

On a side note, I'll just say that I figured out that the payment I received from Amazon in early December 2014 was actually for sales in June-July of 2012, not 2014. No idea what's going on there. No idea at all. Took them long enough. Or something. Some kind of error I guess.

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Anyway, I just want to report why I'll never marry, and therefore I rarely have anyone to enjoy video games with (because of my loneliness).

I make more money doing nothing with my life than I do from selling books or video games.

Companies like Coca-Cola can earn a few bucks just from a single sale of a beverage, which happens all the time throughout the world.

My mom can make a dollar every few minutes working at her job.

But me, I work for over 6 months on a project, release it, get many free downloads, but very few people are willing to pay me $0.99 for my hard work.

Or the book projects where I spent at least a year working per project, but no one can pay a buck, and would rather take it for free.

Anyway, I make more money doing absolutely nothing, absolutely no effort or work earns me more money than the actual work or effort I do put forward.

Unfortunately, the great deal more money I earn from doing nothing still isn't enough to have a family with.

In order for me to have a family, I would have my income, and my wife would need to have an income as well ---- so either I stay at home with the kids and she works, or we both stay at home with the kids because she doesn't need to work either because she's also disabled.

So either I can marry a working mother, so we can afford to have a family, or I need to marry another disabled person.

Here's where the problems come in:::::  We all know it's better to have mom stay at home and care for the kids rather than her being out working all the time. And I can't work very well it seems so I can't go out at a job, and well, who would rather have a stay at home dad rather than a stay at home mom?

I can only imagine it would be a problem if mom is working all the time::::

therefore mommy needs to be on welfare too, and she also has to be disabled.

But that just doesn't work either.

Marrying a person with physical disabilities might just not work, I mean, I'm not sure I'd want to marry a girl without an arm or a leg or whatever,

but even if the body is fully functional, I can't marry a woman with mental disability either.

It would be bad to have two mentally disabled people get married and produce children. Maybe if you ask me in person I could explain how that works.


Anyway, I can't marry anyone it seems. For those reasons. I can't marry a working mom, I can't marry a physically disabled mom, and I definitely can't marry a mentally disabled mom, so really, I can't get married.


And then there's an altogether different reason why I can't get married, but I don't discuss it publicly because of how it sullies the names of certain individuals.



So yeah, my LDS patriarchal blessing said I'd be sealed to a companion of my choice, yet from my viewpoint perspective on how much I can marry, it seems I never will-----

and I really am suspecting that it's because there's something wrong with the church's blessing or the church itself, but we all know the church would never take the blame or lose face over this so they would blame me for a lack of faith or worthiness ------


but it's probably really because there's something completely wrong with the LDS church. There, anyway.


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The way I CAN see myself getting married and having a family is if I made enough money from my books and video games, and then was able to afford a family where the mom could stay at home, because I've earned all the income.

If I earned enough on my books and video games, I could have a family.  That shouldn't be too difficult, considering that a million people from anywhere in the world could pick up my book or video game and each pay me a dollar for just one of my projects each --- that would earn me enough ----

but from a practical standpoint, it just aint happening.  Most people would rather grab my stuff for free and can't pay a dollar.

Coca-cola will get it's dollar for every beverage sold, my mom will get a dollar every few minutes at her job, but I work for months and years on various projects, but people can't pay me a buck for the finished product and can only take the work for free.

Huh.

And therefore I'll never get married, I'm very lonely, and rarely have anyone to play video games with.