Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Education Regret

I'm regretting having brain problems and having to leave school --- there are things in my programming that would probably have been helped if I had learned more in school.

So, my previous fix for ICBM's restart problem stopped working. ICBM is like this---- something works, and then after a few tries using it, it suddenly STOPS working.

So, I looked up some more documentation, and now the restart problem really should be fixed, finally. Hopefully that much will be OK.

But I still don't know if there's anything I can do on my end to make the Serval Controller's D-Pad work in-game with ICBM.

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Last night I was thinking about what I'm going to do with my gaming "career"/

Even though I ranked as high as 62 and am currently ranked ninety-something with The Bananatree Brothers on the O-Rank --- the sales report only shows 2 sales total.

Something is wrong here. Someone isn't telling me something.

I do feel a bit of a passion for developing video games, and I have another project on my mind that I have felt some drive to start ---- but for this project I'm thinking I'll want new more expensive equipment, and when I don't have the money and I'm not getting paid that much isn't happening.

If I got paid from my games, it would be a lot easier to continue with the fun of development. I could buy the equipment I think I need.

But, because for whatever reason my money isn't flowing, I can't continue.

I would like to pay off debt and buy my own place to live, but not getting paid for past games really doesn't help that especially when I "want" new equipment for making new games.

I suppose you could say I could try to crowd fund ---- but with how I botched up ICBM and other games so badly, it would probably be seen as immoral for me to crowd fund, when I'm not fully educated or fully professional.

I think the best I could have hoped for would be to get paid for the work I've already done, and go from there.

It just doesn't make sense how The Bananatree Brothers could have only 2 sales and yet still rank so well. Doesn't make sense. Where are my reports? What's going on?

In order to continue development of games (and development of my life), I would think I should be be getting paid for my past efforts.

Ugh. Oh well.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Kinds of Email I'm getting

OK - what are the chances that there are famous people sending me email that may or may not be trustworthy? It might not be trustworthy, but here's the scary thing:

Today I got an email from someone who claims to be, or shares their name with, or is fraudulently pretending to be, an NHL Hockey Player.

Again, he's my age, from my country, born in another city that's related to a family member of mine.

Chances are this isn't real. It's really not likely to be real - to get email from famous people like this.

Yes. Chances are I'm receiving fraudulent spam that only claims to be from a famous person.

Of course, I've got a number of spambox emails now that show a picture of two girls, and one of them looks kind of like Avril Lavigne, except the photograph conveniently cuts off the tops of their heads.

Not sure. So strange. PARANOIA DEFLECTION SHIELD ACTIVATED. Hahaha.

EDIT:::

So, the email that claims to be from an NHL Player is basically a Christmas Gift, Santa's Elves giving me a $100 McDonald's Gift Card.

I clicked on the link, but the offer wasn't available in my area. It's funny, that these guys would use famous Canadian people to talk to me but the offer isn't valid in Canada.

But, I'll will note that this email appears to have ties to Minnesota, as the NHL player is or was a Minnesota Wild's player and the email claims itself to be from Minnesota.

It could be real for all I know, but I have to be paranoid. Use Caution and common sense.

But the offer just happened to be not available in my area.

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Oh, and I'm reminded, someone tried to use one of my email addresses for their Instagram account today ---- and yes, I did not activate it, I actually pressed the button that's opposite of activation.

Hmmm.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Scary Dream

I used to have dreams like this, probably worse than this, when I was a kid.

Last night I dreamed my teeth didn't fit in my mouth properly, and things started to get wiggly and fally-outy.

I learned on Youtube that this is a common dream that a person will have when they are no longer in control in their own life.

I had this dream a lot when I was a kid, and I would say I wasn't in control of my own life back then.

But I think I had the same dream last night - so I wonder what's going on now.

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As for those emails I wrote last night::::

Either the person who wrote me is who they claim to be, or they aren't.

If they are this famous actress, then that's kind of expectable consider the life I've been living, with how people might start talking about me, and with how I send Avril Lavigne donations.

If this a fake name on the email - then I'm wondering if I should be worried because simply by looking up this name on wikipedia, I can see that the name directly personally relates to me in my own life with the origin story of named actress.

Should I be excited or worried? I mean, either is a possibility.

If anything, it's a real big novelty to receive email from a "famous person", whether it be real or just a spammer personally identifying me. Interesting.

Not sure what else to say about this.

Does this have anything to do with a dream I had last night that tells me I'm not in control of my own life anymore? We'll just have to see I guess.

Receiving Interesting Emails

I've warned you all on this website:: I have or had a history of sending lots of bulk email to people I wanted to talk to throughout my life.

Recently, my bulk email has died down quite a bit --- I now mostly just email my grandparents, as well, as send the odd charitable gift with a message to Avril Lavigne.

Well, someone must've decided it's now my turn to receive all the bulk email and even potential gifts.

So, I've got two emails here (which both went to my Spam box) which I received from someone who shares their name with a famous person.

Either it is a famous person, or they are sharing or imitating or something.

So::: This potentially famous person who has sent me these two emails in the past week is Calgarian-born (same city as me), born in my birthyear (1984), shares her birthday with my sister and yeah, it's kind of interesting like that.

Basically, whoever is "spamming" me, is claiming to be potentially related to a famous person who is very personally relatable to me in where I come from, my origins, as is stated on wikipedia about this famous person.

I mentioned that I sent Avril Lavigne gifts with messages right? Well, the two emails this potential celebrity (or a scam artist, or whatever it might be) sent both messages about a "thank you" from Amazon or some such, wants me to fill out a survey and give me $100.

Considering how I've been living my life, this might just be the entertainment community's response to me pestering Avril Lavigne.

But, I do also have a cautious paranoid mindset that tells me not to trust stuff like this.

Well, I'm amazed that Amazon would send me a thank-you through a famous actress who comes from my hometown and is my own age.

Something so strange about this --- it might be expectable considering that I rank so highly on the O/Z-Rank with one of my games and that I'm not sure I can trust everything I read,

But yeah, I can't trust everything I read, so of course, I sit here "paranoid" about what the actual nature of these messages are.

I suppose that Avril Lavigne herself may have had similar paranoia about me approaching her when I initially did. The one thing that made it clear that I was somehow a real or authentic person (if she ever figured out that I was real or authentic) was the bit of magic that started happening. Anywho.

So - considering my life, it might be totally real that an actress would email me.

The thing is --- She made her email LOOK like "spam" ----- which of course may have just been in response to all the bulk email I've ever sent, but anywho.

Life's fun. I'm enjoying it.

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I'll also mention that somehow, as if by Santa's magic, my wristwatch strap/band broke today, as if I am being fatefully led to new electronics (which I have already ordered). It's a great excuse for a new toy, if anything.

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Also:::: I wrote this blog post on my Ubuntu 15.10 machine and it never crashed!! I think the solution was just entering this command in the terminal: "sudo apt-get autoremove". Removed old software clogging the system, and now I'm not crashing on blogger. yay.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Fixing my game

So, last night I sat down to make cosmetic fixes to Doorless Darts so it looks "better" on Razer Forge.

This morning I'm sitting down to try and play with ICBM on the Forge, to figure out how to fix the problems.

The problem where ICBM wasn't shutting down and restarting properly has been fixed. I only needed to add ONE line of code to do that. I am so impressed with myself. I actually managed to figure it out. Wow.

Anyway, now I'm going to delve into getting the D-Pad to work. The D-Pad works fine on the main menu, so I'm going to see if there's a way I can make it work in-game too.

UPDATE:::::

The D-Pad works in-game just fine with an OUYA controller, so I recommend you use an OUYA controller when playing ICBM. (though the Serval is still necessary in order to quit the game)

In my feedback with this update, I have told Cortex about the issue involving the Serval and the D-Pad.

I think this is probably a problem with their interface between the Serval and the ODK, so I'll let them fix it, as I have no idea what more I can do with this problem on my end.


I'd like to apologize who the people who play ICBM for the serious problems and issues that game has had over the years. I really screwed up a lot.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Cortex is here - What's going on with Kris Attfield games?

So, early this morning I had a look at OUYA FORUM and saw a post about how Cortex has been announced. I then turned on my Forge and did the update -- yay! Cortex is here!

What does this mean for Kris Attfield games?

Air Defence, a basic yet fun shooter, is there. Works great.
The Bananatree Brothers, is there, and presumably runs well because of the rankings I see it get.
Doorless Darts is there, it runs well - but there is a small cosmetic issue I'm going to want to figure out.
ICBM is there - and it even ranks pretty well - but it is buggy on the new system or at least it is buggy on my system - when I play the D-Pad doesn't work when it's needed. Yikes. Also could use some work on startup and shutdown.

Pfhonge wasn't there and Blaine Bananatree wasn't there.

I did, of course, test both these games on the system and found that they work flawlessly --- maybe they were just overlooked when the game library was curated, or maybe ---

On OUYA FORUM, which I just read about in greater detail, Cortex apparently decided that they didn't want duplicates of games or something like that.

Though Pfhonge is very unique and original in the sense that it's the first ball-and-paddle game I've seen that puts blocks behind the paddles, maybe they thought Pfhonge was a duplicate and was redundant. I did, however, resubmit it with "Forge" checked and hope for the best.

Blaine Bananatree might've been seen as reduntant because of The Bananatree Brothers. I have also resubmitted with Forge checked, but we'll see.


But it's nice to know that 4 of my games were deemed worthy of availability upon launch, even if ICBM doesn't totally work when I tried it and I think Pfhonge is still quite fun.



Here's the other news:

On Cortex, in the morning The Bananatree Brothers was ranked 16 over all, then in the evening it had dropped to 19 overall.

On Cortex, in the "dual-stick" section, The Bananatree Brothers was ranked #1 this afternoon.

In fact, all my games except Air Defence seemed to have standing of some sort in at least one of their genre's top 10-30 category.

On MOJO The Bananatree Brothers was ranked #2 in Dual Stick and had a pretty good overall ranking as well.


I am really, really excited about this. I feel like I've accomplished something.



But it's a big question now:::: How could I be ranked #1 in a genre with only 2 sales?


Oh - another one --- I downloaded a bunch of my own games from the Cortex Store onto my Forge, and the downloads didn't show up in my Developer Portal ......

So, what is going on here?

OBVIOUSLY something isn't being reported now. I downloaded my own games and there was no report about that.


So ---- how could I be #1 in my genre with only 2 sales??? How excited should I be?? :) :)



The one thing I'm afraid of is that though played with Dual/Both Sticks, that The Bananatree Brothers might be a different genre than the other Dual-Stick games. I'm just wondering or fearing that I misunderstood what "Dual-Stick" meant, if it actually means something other than "Both thumbsticks used in gameplay". Dunno.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

How I see OUYA today

This blog post is to report that I see something very strange going on with OUYA - and to speculate on reasons why that might be.

First off, the very first 5 star rating for The Bananatree Brothers came when I saw absolutely 0 sales of my product. No one bought the game, but it got a rating, and I didn't give that rating to myself.

Second off, my Brother-in-Law just bought the Bananatree Brothers this evening, and though I see his sale, there is no reported download.

Maybe the first issue was someone at Cortex, rating my game maybe - maybe the second issue was my brother in law just didn't download the game when he bought it somehow.

Another issue is that there, in my eyes, appears to be an almost complete dearth of Activity on OUYA --- there are two new releases on the system that only have one rating each --- and I'm the one who bought and rated them.

Also, there is a new release called "RETRO PONG" that's available for $0.99, but can not be found on the O-Rank listing.


I mean, maybe activity on OUYA is dying. Maybe people just aren't playing anymore.


Doorless Darts got to 101 on the O-Rank with over 10 sales.

Blaine Bananatree got to 84 on the O-Rank with only 4 sales.

The Bananatree Brothers got to 75 on the O-Rank with only 1 reported sale.


This either means that people aren't playing anymore in a big way ---- or it means I'm getting my own special version of the internet where I don't see the rest of human-kind running around playing and chatting.

Either no one is playing, or I don't get to see what's going on somehow. There are just some big mysteries here.

There are two possibilities for why I would see a different version of the internet:

1) I'm being removed from the public for perhaps obvious reasons. Maybe I don't exist anymore - or something like that.

2) My Dad suspects I might get a big surprise one day, he has said this once or twice in the past day or two.  I'm wondering if this surprise is just finding out how much I really did earn, because I'm not sure the reports are entirely trustworthy.



I keep thinking I see some activity with my books too --- but there is very little reported activity. I see what looks like activity, but I don't get told about it.


I hope for a surprise, I hope for the best, but it might be expectable that I'm actually just being removed from society (maybe).


I am actually really enjoying my life these days - life without tonnes of public exposure is actually a lot nicer to live, rather than living in a public school or church filled with people who don't get along very well.

Life away from the public is peaceful, calm, nice, fun. I am enjoying my life more these days than any other period of my past life that I can remember. I am actually either at my best, or things are only getting better.


But I do see this mystery involving OUYA games and sales and reports and Oranks and all that --- and I really wonder. Is the system just falling apart as it shuts down because no one is playing, or am I just seeing my own personal private version of the internet?


It's a mystery. I desire to proceed with my life, but I'm not getting paid. I don't see the public playing anymore. But I am enjoying my life more now than any time before.


Maybe I'm not supposed to be paid because of a morality that says it's wrong to meet Jesus, write a book and expect to be paid for writing about holy religious experiences ------

But seriously, if I can't have money because I met Jesus - then I'll just be living with my parents for the rest of our lives.


Maybe the actual truth is that most members of the public felt no need to actually pay the smallest price for any of my work. My games were downloaded and people wouldn't pay --- I saw reports that said my ebooks were ripped off by many hundreds of pirates.

Maybe I just can't expect honest decency from most people.

Or maybe I just have my own version of the internet, where I'm not allowed to see my sales, or public interaction, or get paid ---- maybe I'm living in a bubble of sorts.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Impressive Mentalism

The Bananatree Brothers, my latest video game release, is now ranked 75th on the O-Rank. Yay me.

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So, for the past few attempts at mind-reading I made in the past few days, I wasn't really having much or any success. I did try to think of reasons why that might be, and yeah, I have an idea of why, but what I really wanted to say is this:

Today, on two different occasions in the day, I asked GOD to allow me to successfully read my father's mind. Basically, rather than just walking up to my dad and trying a reading, I specifically asked God before each test to help me do it.

These are my results:

On the first test, I read and wrote down:

E (C or I) E

On this test, my Dad's original was:

E H 1

I was immediately very happy with myself once I saw how well I had done. I got a very strong E reading, and one E was enough, but my I could be a sideways H or a variation on 1, so I felt I accomplished maybe ~2/3 but definitely at least 1/3 on this one.


On the second test, I read and wrote down:

S (D or B) A

On the second test, my Dad's original was:

A D 4

2/3. Again. Pretty close to 2/3 twice in a row on the same day. It's not a perfect 2/3 each time, because I had a 4th character included in my guess each time, but I still think I did pretty well.

When I say (X or Y) in my reading, that means I wrote down 2 different characters for the 2nd character in the sequence. I do this because I am not completely entirely sure exactly what I'm looking at - sometimes I get more than one character at a time and I don't know which to choose, and sometimes the image is just a bit blurry and hard to read.

But, I think I did pretty well. Yay!


I mean, really --- today's results are absolutely beautiful.


ADDITIONAL:::::

I uploaded a video to YOUTUBE to try to show off some of my great telepathy from today - this telepathy isn't the greatest telepathy today, but it still sort of works.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Sat down to play some OUYA

This evening I figured I could play a game on my Forge (because the game I was thinking of is actually really nice and well done), but then I realized my OUYA was plugged in instead of my Forge, and I didn't feel like switching the cables, so I played my OUYA instead.

I started off by playing this one game - and when I watched the opening sequences and played the game a bit, I realized just how awesome a job the developer had done on the title - way more advanced than anything I've put out.

I then played my own game, Air Defence, and as I played I remembered that time someone on OUYA Forum reviewed the game and criticized it harshly. But, I realize, that though it hurt to receive the negative feedback - fact is, that negative feedback is what inspired me to make the game better. You see, I had memories of what the original versions of the game were like, and I realized that the OUYA Forum criticism caused me to add and change some parts of the game that actually made it at least a bit better. I actually found myself sitting there, playing my own game, feeling THANKFUL for the harsh criticism I received -- thankful that someone helped drive me to make my own game better.

But, in all seriousness, with OUYA, I was nearly a beginner in the development world (previously having built practise projects in school and for myself), a beginner at android development, and well, in my history of developing OUYA games I have been mistaking and failing pretty steadily throughout the processes.

I mean, I screwed up on Pfhonge, I screwed up on ICBM, I screwed up on Air Defence, I even screwed up a bit on Doorless Darts - and then I screwed up on Blaine Bananatree too. Yes, it's all been a learning process, continually trying to make my games better. The only game I haven't realized any total screw ups in so far is The Bananatree Brothers, but the game buying community must've not forgotten my past screw ups and haven't been buying my latest game.

First off, I realize that most or even all newly released games on the OUYA/Cortex Store haven't been seeing many or any purchases in the past few weeks, so it's not just me that they're not buying (sort of thankfully).

But, I am happy, that someone gave The Bananatree Brothers a FIVE STAR rating. I know, unbelievable isn't it? It's a game I finally didn't have any easily perceptible screw-ups in, and I actually got the highest rating from one person. Makes me feel a bit happy actually.

Today I played some Bananatree Brothers with my Dad and my Brother - and I realized I was actually having fun with it! I mean, the Bananatree games seem really-really stupid - but I was actually having fun! Yippee.

So, maybe I'm progressing in my abilities, where I've finally released a game with no instantly or quickly perceived screw-ups in the final product, and I'm glad that I've "improved" as a developer as such.

Only problem is ---- people don't seem to buy very much, so without a lot of sales, I don't feel the greatest amount of encouragement to continue working.

I figure I may have more success garnering extra income from investing in the Stock Market, and as very few people actually pay for my actual work, maybe I can forget about working for a while. It's just that - the Stock Market actually makes money for me and my family, while actual work doesn't earn myself very much.

I just think it's kind of sad that I can earn so much from doing work that doesn't actually serve anybody, and when I do work that serves people, they won't pay me for it. That much is discouraging.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Public Issues

My Dad and I disagree on a lot of things.

One thing we agree on: That there was something wrong with the church.
But we disagree in that I talk about it all the time, while he never likes hearing about it.
This is just an example.

We are also very opposed in politics.

Today I bought a carbonated beverage from a local store, and found something new on the bill: an 8¢ "Environmental Fee".

To me, 8¢ extra on a pop isn't a big deal, and in fact I can even feel good about giving that extra money to the government in my own mind----

but to my Dad the tax is absolutely horrid, and in his absolutely conservative way he wants low taxes, which means less public service.


Now: this was an environmental fee. We know, there's a new "Carbon Tax" in Alberta.

Personally, all my life, growing up in Oil Rich Alberta, I was told about how the Climate Change CO2 problem thing was pretty much a lie or a myth and shouldn't be trusted or listened to. That really is, pretty much, having lived with the Brother of a Conservative Government Minister as my LDS Home Teacher, what I was taught for so long.

How do I take my position on the debate? "Agree with thine adversary quickly" is what Jesus said.

Basically, I find no reason to argue with the Climate Change nuts about their position. I just have a personal urge to agree "with mine adversary". If they are right, then this is a good choice. If they are wrong, well, personally, I kind of like the idea of having an electric car, so I don't care. :) Growing up in elementary school we learned about Pollution Problems, and green renewable energy can't be wrong as far as I'm concerned.

So, I can feel good about paying extra tax (personally in my own mind) as I would hope it does others and the world some good.

If we can cut pollution, then great. I'll just agree with "my adversary", them being considered the adversary because I was brought up with the opposite viewpoint.


And then there's another issue: I read in the news that the number of Suicides in my province increased by 30% in the past year. I actually feel so bad about this, I was driven to tears. The economic conditions, especially with the low price of Oil, have apparently driven more people to kill themselves. And I do feel bad about it, especially as I was once suicidal and I was saved - but, at this point I am again happy to have a government that would keep social spending, such as increase the Case Load of Health and Mental Health services - to give people the help they need so they don't kill themselves.

My dad is a total conservative, taxes bad, cutting spending is alright with him, but personally I don't mind lending a hand to help someone not kill themselves. I mean, I might not be able to do much, because I'm no professional, but if 8¢ on a bottle of pop helps, then I'm perfectly alright with that - I actually feel good about giving a little extra personally.



Last issue: in a recent previous blog post, I said I might take up farming. I said this because my Sister and her Husband were declaring their intention to buy a bunch of land in the country, and I thought maybe I should just do some work on that land. Unfortunately, my Sister found out she can't actually afford that land, so that plan is a no-go now.

But what's interesting is this: shortly after I declare my idea on my blog that I might become a farmer, there is a sudden rush of attention in the local Legislature about none other than a new farming regulation bill. Wow.

The government organizations I was once affiliated with are all lighting up over farming, my politician friend on facebook is talking about Farming ---- all somehow just hours or days after I mention an intention to maybe become a farmer. That's so strange, isn't it? :)


ADDITIONAL:::

Another interesting thing about the economic slowdown in Alberta is that disability benefit recipient like myself now has a better ability to save up for a number of years, and actually be capable or able to afford a home/apartment to BUY - or even just find a place to rent, it all seems much more available and affordable now.

When OIL was a big canadian business, a disabled person like myself would have an extremely hard time finding a place to live (and on my own is a big part of this: I don't have friends or socialize well, so I would likely end up living on my own unless my brother wanted to live with me or something). Anyway --- affordable places to rent or buy are showing up in my country, and this is helping me be a little bit happier.

The only sad part is that I still have to save the money for years before I can think about buying one of these less-expensive dwellings.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

I am too obsessed

I started by trying to write this blog post on my Ubuntu 15.10 laptop, but very shortly into writing the system crashed on me. The weird thing is that yesterday when I was using that laptop for backup, for virtual machine, or all kinds of stuff, the only slow down I had was using the virtualmemory/swap on the disk, but the machine never crashed. But, it seems, when I try to write something on blogger in Ubuntu 15.10, the machine WILL INVARIABLY CRASH. So annoying.

But what I really wanted to write about:

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I have a real problem.

I think I really am mentally ill.

It bothers my father out of his mind, and he warns me not to mention this obsession to other members of my family.

I think that when I was active as an LDS Mormon, that the church must've hypnotized me to be obsessive over the church, church history, or anything to do with "Latter Day Saints" -- I must've been hypnotized to think about it or something because I am obsessed.

It has been said that a person can leave mormonism, but that person can't leave mormonism alone. It's true just not for me, but for so many others including the person who made that statement I'm sure.

Whenever I have an idle moment, my brain has about a 90% chance of starting to think about the church and my life in it ---- and it's driving my Dad crazy, that I am so obsessed with it.

I probably really should get my mind off of mormonism completely -- but that's a challenge, especially if I was conditioned to be obsessive over the church. The church became a part of me, and then something went wrong.




So: What have my most recent thoughts about Mormonism been?


1) The church advertised itself as "Families can be together forever". They have a song about it, they probably advertised it on TV -- the whole "Eternal Families" part of their doctrine.

So, when I fell in love with a girl, of course the church couldn't even let us be friends at all any more, which was "totally in line" with their advertising about eternal families - right?



2) In Letters to Whomever, and imprinted on my memory, is knowledge of a couple talks dead-LDS-prophet Ezra Taft Benson made on what I could call a controversial topic. Just years ago, like when I wrote my book, the talks were freely available to be viewed on the LDS church website.  BUT - NOW the church is COVERING IT UP. Right - I did a search for these talks, and they no longer appear to exist on LDS.org.  Years ago, it was LDS.org that originally showed these talks to me, but now they are all gone - covered up, never to be heard of again. As far as my limited search went, at least.




3) Basically, I grew up being hypnotized to obsess over the Mormon LDS church, I was told over and over again that the religion and the church were the absolute true, more correct and more true than any other church or religion or set of scriptures. But, though I had such faith in the truth, it basically did turn out to be a rather dishonest claim the church was making about itself. There is a lot of documentation on this issue that I don't feel like writing about here.




So -- I'm obsessed with the LDS church, I don't want to be around the LDS church anymore, but I think about it - and my Dad is going crazy from me having this obsession. It's an issue. I have a real mental health problem it seems.

Ugh.

Our world is a real crazy place I guess.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

This Evening's News

So, I was laying in bed, in a darkened bedroom, watching videos on Youtube, put my ipad away to sit and think ---

and I was looking around my room, when a light in my room suddenly disappeared, causing me a bit of a "perked eyebrow" about how I could have a light in my room which I didn't notice was there until it disappeared --- not knowing where the light came from or what it was.

I get a lot of lights in my bedroom. MOST of the time I assume the lights are headlights from passing cars. That is the best explanation for a lot of the lights I get.

But on some occasions, like with what I saw this evening, I'm not sure how to explain the light.

I would like to assume that there might be a visiting angel, but I don't really know. Who knows. It just perks my interest and makes me wonder -- because some of these lighting effects have been going on for YEARS now.

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Youtube used to show me a lot of videos about Mormonism, and especially how wrong or disproved Mormonism is.

Now Youtube tries to show me lots of videos about atheism. I watch a bunch of them - and I do find it interesting actually.

I do believe in God, I'm sure there's someone or something out there - though I don't know the whole truth, nor do I know how to argue, nor do I want to argue, with the atheists.

I'm sure there's something out there. I can't say for certain exactly what it is though - as even I am still a little bit confused about the actual truth or definition of God. You might explain it by "trinity", but the Bible said the Holy Ghost is Jesus' actual dad, so yeah, I do wonder.

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So:: Why would Youtube show me so much atheist material? Maybe it's because I was watching an ex-mormon atheist.

Or maybe it's because I wrote a book which turns out to be a story about me losing mormonism and going to regular christianity, only to find out that someone would say my book isn't actually Christian.

I know, weird eh? I freakin' MEET Jesus Christ in my life and put it in my book, and this Jesus Christ is a cigarette smoker so I think it's safe to say he's not Mormon Jesus, yet somehow someone who reviewed my book decided my book was too mormon to be Christian --- I mean, I could so a future-area-70 denying the holy ghost in my book and somehow my book's not Christian because it's too mormon. Wow.

Anyway, having met Jesus Christ, a non-Mormon Jesus Christ, and then being told my story isn't actually Christian, - that might be why I'm now in the atheist section.

I could be as truthful as I can be about God and religion, and though I meet Jesus Christ, a glowing man who wears white, with fire near his face, who speaks to me, though I would have that experience - someone would review the book saying it wasn't Christian. Wow.

So now Youtube puts me with the atheists now. I guess.

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So, in my Youtube viewings I saw this absolutely beautiful video advertisement about Christmas and Jesus with great production values, and I was like "Who made this? It looks wonderful!" --- only to see that it was actually a MormonAd by the LDS church.

Stunned.

I have much personal experience with the LDS church. Though I recognize the LDS church does actually have some kind of magic power about it, I fear the LDS/Mormon church is just a big Satanic fraud or sham ---

They appear to be such a Christian Group, they appear to be so nice and wonderful, they put on such a show and such an appearance of being the best people in the world,

but in my actual experience and study of the LDS church, I started to find things like how "forgiveness" is defined differently in their religion and "grace" is also defined differently and how if you want to be a Mormon you can forget about believing in the Bible, such verses like Luke 6:26 get thrown out completely.

I mean ----- I a absolutely stunned/shocked that the Mormons would put on such a show about how Christian they are, they appear to be the nicest, the greatest, the most wonderful, and sometimes I even start to believe it myself ---- but then there are some BIG GLARING DIFFICULTIES I've seen in their church and with their people that the whole thing becomes a big unbelievable sham.

Like, before you can go to the LDS Temple for your Endowment, you have to read the whole Book of Mormon and you have to know it's true.

That sounds like it makes sense, yet if you actually did read the Book of Mormon and if you knew or believed it to be true - YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING YOUR ENDOWMENT!!

This is my view::: The Book of Mormon, AKA "The Fulness of the Gospel", does not tell you about your need to go to the temple or do any endowments. In fact, the Book of Mormon says that Secret Combinations are works of the devil, and with how you have to promise to die if you ever reveal the temple secrets, yes to me that qualifies as a secret combination.

So, if you actually followed The Book of Mormon, you would not be going to the Mormon Temple Endowment because the temple Ceremony is in fact Forbidden in The Book of Mormon itself. As I have understood it.

Book of Mormon says "Secret Combinations are bad and therefore forbidden".
Temple Endowment Ceremony says "Kill yourself if you reveal the secret".
Temple Ceremony is Secret Combination.
Book of Mormon bans Temple Ceremony.

Anyway, i just think it's amazing that you have to read The Book of Mormon and know it's true in order to go to the Temple,

but if you actually read the Book of Mormon, understood it, and even just believed in it you should've known that going to the temple was a bad idea.

Yeah - so it amazes me how the LDS/Mormon church puts on such a beautiful "christian" display, being so freakin' nice and all, only to turn out to be so wrong in so many ways. Likely just satanic actually.

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There might've been more I wanted to write about, but I can't really remember it all right now especially as my Ubuntu 15.10 has crashed on me several times while writing this post and I'm just going to finish it now so I don't have to put up with that anymore.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The "Body Double" Explanation

So: I saw my psychiatric doctor today. I did not see my doctor the last time I was at the clinic getting my injection.

I told my doctor about seeing, three weeks ago, what look or appeared very much to be Avril Lavigne in the lobby of the clinic.

My doctor looked shocked or surprised that I would talk about Avril Lavigne being present at the psychiatric clinic, but the doctor seemed to have an explanation::

I SAW A BODY DOUBLE!

Yes!! That is my doctor's explanation!! They actually had a BODY DOUBLE of Avril Lavigne at my psychiatric clinic! She walked in when I came in, and she walked out with me. Absolutely amazing.

So, I guess that's it then. The doctors or nurses or whoever are so interested in my relationship with Avril Lavigne or are somehow trying to understand something to the point of having a freakin' BODY DOUBLE visit the clinic while I get my injection. Wow.

She did not go into detail on that topic though.

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And, I think I have finally found a very good explanation why I don't make money selling my books or video games: I'm not allowed to.

I grew up very poor, I grew up asking God for a million dollars, so of course it should be no surprise that I've been trying to make money.

But, I read in a magazine recently that meeting God or someone related to God and then trying to make money from it is frowned upon by the Catholic Church.

So, though I wrote a book about my life, because the story of my life involves Jesus appearing I am apparently not allowed to make money from the story. Makes sense - but that is culture shock for me since Mormons are always capitalizing on God and religion, and I grew up with the Mormon church.

So yeah, I am such a pathetic person that I have to get disability welfare in order to live my life, I grew up so poor that I couldn't help but go crazy, and I'm not allowed to make money from telling my story.

Makes sense.

Do I wish I had more money? Of course I do, but figuring out a way of earning it is not easily apparent on my mind. Maybe I'll become a farmer. Who knows.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I am, apparently, not allowed to hear the latest

So, I've been hearing that Avril Lavigne did a track with ex-Backstreet Boy Nick Carter recently in a song called "Get Over Me".

But I have a problem: I've looked several times now, but the song and album is personally unavailable to me personally both on iTunes and Google Play.

I read somewhere that this is a song about dealing with a partner who is obsessive.

I searched for any news if this song is just blocked in Canada, but couldn't find anything, the song/album appear to just be blocked for me personally.

I found the iTunes store http page for the album, clicked to bring it to my itunes, and it brings up - NOTHING!



So:::::: What am I to understand about myself being personally unable to hear Avril's latest?


Damn - I'm supposed to be a mentalist. I should be able to figure this out.



Actually, when I first heard about the song, my immediate impression is that I should, well, get over Avril Lavigne, that i should forget about trying to be friends with her.

I guess I might be kind of obsessive over Avril, I'm more obsessive over Avril than I am about any other artist, I guess, so maybe I'm like the obsessive partner and she wants me to get over it.

That was my first impression.


but then I found I was unable to buy or listen to her song, so that might mean that she wants to keep me as her fan. She's not going to let me listen to the ideas of getting over her, so she still wants me. Maybe.



Anyway ---- in all the time I might've ever had an opportunity to talk to Avril personally, it's a little sad but I have no social skills, especially with her, so I can't just go and talk to her and have a conversation. I can write the odd message to her, but actually talking to her is difficult for me. I'm like her Sk8er Boi in my personal experience, and even some of her fans once thought I should steal her for myself --- but I'm just really-really-ultra-shy about the girl I "love the most".

Most people I don't talk to anyway, but when I want to talk to someone, I'm usually able to say something. Even just approaching Avril Lavigne might be a problem for me. Hah. :)



So::: Either Avril wants me to get over her, or she wants me to stay, either one, specifically, is the best way I can interpret the way I'm blocked from listening the new music.

Hah.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

I Must Be Rich

Scored 561 in Blaine Bananatree on my MOJO this morning. I'm very happy with myself for that.



But what I really wanted to talk about:


I must be rich.


I mean, I can't afford a car, I can't afford a house, I don't really have friends,

But I must be rich -----

Why?

I find myself giving and giving and giving to charity after charity over and over again, giving to beggars on the street, buying absolutely everything I own, always paying an honest price -

And yet

The rest of the world will just take and take and take from me, they will steal my work and neglect to pay the smallest price of ~99¢ for anything I do.


I mean, I keep giving hundreds and thousands away - while the world can't seem to even afford the 99¢ I ask for my product.


Yes - I must be very wealthy indeed.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Reasons for Rejection revealed - and now fixed too

So, hours ago Cortex sent me their explanations for why they rejected version 1.0 of The Bananatree Brothers, and I have tried to fix the problems. And I've resubmitted.

I also removed the last two posts on this blog because they were very confused and didn't really discuss anything that really needed to be discussed. Just me rambling and babbling about some thoughts I had.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Growing Up

Well, I've been using twitter a bit recently, especially as people have come along to follow me out of the blue for some reason --- and my usual introverted "I don't like to talk to people" self is coming out.

I am amazed at the kinds of people I could talk to, I'm just not a very social person.

When it comes to a world of great creativity, I feel very small.

My creativity is extremely limited. Blaine Bananatree and the Brothers games are the result of me trying to be creative --- but that doesn't mean it was absolutely the best idea. Basically, if there's anything about the Bananatree games, it's a sort of humor, even if it can be considered a "stupid humor".

I understand if Razer thinks my two most recent games are uncool or stupid or a complete waste of energy --- but I like them because of the sort of humor about them, and also because as far as I know, they are completely, uniquely, my creation or creative idea.

As for having my most recent submission rejected for no stated reason --- I could feel paranoid about why, but I've already told myself that it's probably because Razer is very busy with Cortex and they don't have time for my game right now. Who knows, maybe they'd rather have it released when Cortex is finally ready and out there.

Or maybe my game is just too stupid. I thought it was kind of a funny idea though. :)



Anyway ---- I am absolutely impressed with the kinds of people who have started following me on twitter recently, or however it all works. Something is attracting people to me.


Like, today I noticed Twitter specifically tell me that I can PM anyone who follows me - and on their list of people I can PM is none other than Rockstar Games. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Stunning to see this big name on a list of people I could PM.

I also came home from a movie this evening to find someone else new following me: a writer who affiliates themselves with Disney. OMG.


Like --- just absolutely amazing the kinds of people who follow me. i'm amazed by it. Don't know how to handle it though - I'm not very social.


So, this is a whole new world for me --- seeing all these amazing people approaching me on Twitter. I feel like the odd-man-out or whatever it's called, with how I am actually limited in creativity and not very social. But I've tried, I guess. :)


My mind is blown, again, I guess, seeing this people (or their profiles rather).



And yes ---- I realize that the Bananatree games are really simple, even stupid, but I find it humorous, and I like it because that's what my creativity produced.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Rejection - No reasons stated - yet

So, a few days ago I submitted "The Bananatree Brothers" for review at OUYA/Cortex, and today I checked my dev portal to find that the game has been rejected.

The dev portal also tells me I should implement the required changes as stated in the review they sent me --- but I have received no email this time.

So - as of this moment, my game has been rejected without stated reason.


I'm going to assume at this point that it might be something to do with how they're waiting for Cortex to actually launch before they release my game - or I can assume that it doesn't work very well on Forge, which I can not test and fix myself yet since I don't think my Forge has the software necessary to even run the OUYA-specific code in my game.



As with any situation, I can be paranoid for any number of reasons about "other" reasons why I might get rejected - but that kind of thinking doesn't help until someone actually tells me what their problem is.


So, my game has been rejected with no stated reason at this point, and we'll just have to wait and see.


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Interesting things to note: On twitter, I feel I am becoming more and more popular. I don't tweet very much - it's just that I've now got some new followers in the past days and weeks, such as a publishing company, a new retail outlet, and another author --- all who somehow heard about me and decided to follow. Who knows how much is going on out there that I can't see for myself. Yeah.


Also::: this morning I had a beefy meatball kebob, and then I did a number-only pick 3 telepathy test with my dad and did a cool 2/3 on that. So, maybe beef isn't to blame for poor telepathy, as just ate some beef and then did pretty well, I calculate the odds at 1:18.



OH ----- and as for being rejected for no stated reason by OUYA/Forge, if it is an "other" reason for rejection other than just the game itself, well, that's too bad because I recently got an email from my Independent Member of Legislative Assembly's Constituency Office telling me to keep developing video games if it makes me happy. I mean, my government didn't seem to have a problem with my activities - so we'll see what the actual company's problem is.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Super Impressive Telepathy

So, for a day or two, my telepathy tests haven't really been that great.

But just moments ago I did an Alphanumeric Pick 3 test with my dad.

I wrote "C A 2"

He had written down "1 D Z"

Seeing that my 2 and his Z are so similar, I felt encouraged and tried again.

I wrote "A H 9"

He had written down "H 9 R"


YES!! WOOOHOOO!! THIS IS GREAT ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!

2/3 in ALMOST THE RIGHT ORDER!!! 2/3 BANG HEAD ON!!!! ALPHANUMERIC!!!!

I am just so happy with myself right now. Yay. Happy as can be.





So ----- when I thought I saw Avril Lavigne at the hospital this past week --- was I hallucinating? Was it really her? What was I supposed to do?


I'd probably want to be in her movie with her --- but what are the chances that I'd fail the background check or the skill testing question? Who knows.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Bad News

Yesterday was supposed to be the big day in my life - the day Avril selected me to be her new Boyfriend in her upcoming animated movie - but it was ruined by that horrible terrible thing that happened in Paris. I mean, Friday the 13th is the perfect day for Avril to make me be her new boyfriend - BUT IT WAS RUINED!!!! This world is insane with how messed up some of the people in it are. Terrible news (speaking of the horrible turn of events in Paris). I'm very sorry for those people. I pray for them.

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Bad news ----- I almost feel hypnotized to just procrastinate endlessly on my "The Bananatree Brothers" game - it's like I'm supposed to wait for Christmas, or at least until the Forge Cortex is released.

I'll think about the game, but then I just don't feel any energy to do any work on it. Pretty sad. I guess I'm being fatefully forced to wait to a later date.

The best I could do, as I turned on my computer to write this post, was go into my text editor and write the draft of the Game Description that will show up in the store and on the website. I guess I might as well get someone else to look at what I wrote.


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Very sorry to hear about what happened in France. I feel so bad about that.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Missionary Visit

So, I had just been watching a video on Youtube that disproved mormonism in 40 seconds (and there's another one out there that disproves them in a similar short period of time that I've seen before too) and I heard the doorbell ring, and the knock at the door.

A Missionary with his, probably, High Priest split-off companion coming by to say "Hi".

I'm supposed to let my parents know that they came by.

But I did let them know before they left that, each for our own reasons, the men in my family have no belief in that church anymore and only the females have any interest in them.

Just thought I'd note this short encounter on my blog.

Also of note::: it was a few days ago that I got a message from an LDS Single Adult Rep asking me if I'm interested in any of their activities. I also let her know I'm not really all that interested anymore.




I know LDS people can be really really nice (although some of them are just nasty), and though they are really really nice, I've examined the doctrine and found it wanting.




Of course, I'm also examining what the atheists think, and I do say that they have some VERY CLEVER arguments on their side ---- and really, I don't have the best arguments on my side about some of the things they say other than that I've seen things and experienced things that say God is real regardless of what the atheists say, even if God can be seen as "evil", essentially.

I think God can be very good, but I understand when he is also viewed as a force of evil. Doesn't mean he doesn't exist though.

Telepathy Returns

So: for the past week or two my telepathy hasn't been doing so well. But today things changed.

Just moments ago I was sitting here, I asked my dad "Think of a character between 0 to 9 and A to Z".

The first time I read "O" and he said "Q".

The second time I read "R" and he said "R".

Now that was pretty decent - that was pretty good.

Do I have a theory why it works sometimes and not other times? I'm guessing it might be dietary. I don't want to upset anyone --- but from my experience I am thinking that Chicken is good for telepathy while Beef is bad for telepathy. Just a theory.



Anything else going on?


For the past day or two, I'd sit around thinking of things I could say, but then not say it because it didn't seem important enough for I've already said it. My mind is almost blank of more things to say, like i've forgotten.


I probably want to talk more, but as the Eminem rap I was listening to last night said something about people who want to talk but all they speak is Gibberish.


I'm just wondering if the things I want to say are just as important to talk about at this point. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Seeing Someone at the Clinic

So: today I saw what very much looked like Avril Lavigne at my psychiatric clinic at the hospital.

She walked into the clinic when i walked in, and she left with me as I walked out -- and all she did was sit in the waiting room for a while as I got my injection.

I was so stunned by the experience that I was wondering if I was hallucinating or if this is really the real Avril Lavigne.

But, I suppose the real major reason why she and I didn't exchange any verbally spoken words in this experience is because we were expected to be telepathic with each other.

Was there any clear communication? I don't think so --- for one, I was so surprised and stunned that I could help but watch in absolute mystification as I saw her at that location. For seconds, for the past week or two my telepathy with my parents hasn't worked totally great, except this morning where I correctly read "A or B", only wrote down "B", when the answer was "A" with my mom.

Like, Avril walked in when I came in. She walked out "with me" essentially. She stopped at the hospital cafeteria. I went on my way. I'm so introverted.

Like, you'd think I should just open my mouth and talk to her right? I couldn't bring myself to -- the whole experience was so crazy.

No, I think silence was actually expected at this encounter. If there was comms, it was supposed to be mentalism-only at this point.

I felt no great urge to follow her into the cafeteria, maybe though, because I was planning on going elsewhere afterwards.

Perfect opportunity for a date and I "screwed up". I could have just -- what? What was I supposed to do? I think everyone wanted telepathy, and only telepathy. Couldn't say a word.

And yes, this girl who looked so much like Avril Lavigne is/was quite good-looking, but my testosterone levels are/were low. :)

More talk about reality problems

So, I saw my psychiatric nurse today, and she's inclined to believe that my dad is losing his mind. He's either losing his mind, in the news today, or both. It's just so interesting how the news could report on him that way. I understand it, but everyone likes to keep a certain "veil of secrets/privacy" over issues and things.

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What I really want to discuss now is another memory of when "reality stopped making sense".


I mean, maybe what I experienced made perfect sense, but it also sort of doesn't.


Years ago, on two occasions, one shortly after the other, I was on Facebook looking at the news feed and comment posts -- and I saw this one comment on I think it was a South Park post that said the comment was, and I'll paraphrase, written by a ghost who was going to do some seriously nasty things unless the comment was sent to however many news media stations and broadcast everywhere.

Basically, it was a "message from a malevolent ghost" who wanted to appear in news media, and threatened to do horrible things.


The first time I took a screen shot and reported the message to my MLA and MP, as I remember. But, that didn't help enough, because something very horrible did happen shortly afterwards (it was famous).



The same thing happened again a few weeks later, but I just ignored it that time, and something horrible happened again, which I don't even remember anymore except just knowing that something happened.



Anyway ----- reality to me is so nonsensical that I've seen messages from malevolent spirits on Facebook that threaten bad stuff unless news media is notified. Anyway, I told two elected government officials, and bad stuff happened anyways.



Yeah, reality is that bad for me.


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Another freakin' problem with my reality::: today when I was at my psychiattric clinic, I saw a girl who looked a LOT like Avril Lavigne there, looking sort of like herself, also looking slightly different then what you might expect --- but I could definitely see the resemblance, some "Avril" at my psychiatric clinic.

So, I tune into Facebook, and guess what? Avril Lavigne DID have a medical checkup today for her health problems.   ISSUE: Avril in her checkup photos from today was dressed in dark clothes, while the Avril I saw at my psychiatric clinic was dressed in white (although, her white pants did have rips and holes in them, like her song "I like it better with my jeans all ripped up" - I mean, it just seemed and looked like her OK?)

Anyway ---- so Avril was at a medical center today, and I saw her at a medical center today, and though it looked like the same person, the clothes "she" or "they" were wearing were completely different colors. Huh.

reality makes little to no sense anymore.

I think my Dad made the news today

So, I was looking at the news on iOS 9 on my iphone:

There is a certain story here, and though certain details and names have been changed ---- and I know the news does this from previous personal experience ------ I am pretty sure the news story is about my Dad.

I will not go into detail about the news story or whatever the issue is, but it is clear that

MY DAD IS FROWNED UPON.

Not everyone frowns upon my Dad, but there is vocal outcry against him.

And I kind of understand it too.

Some things against my Dad are spurious or even false, as he says for himself, but when you examine what I have experienced with my own father it's possible that my own negative view of him has spread, and maybe even transformed --- so even though what this news story is about, which actually isn't really a big deal --- is just being criticized for the sake of criticizing someone who has committed other problems.


Anyway --- I do realize this news story (from regular news media) is most likely and probably absolutely about my own father, and I even understand why he is frowned upon.


Maybe there's a reason there's racism against Saxons from the Normans: The saxons were lower class and pretty "low", to say it in-offensively, as I have heard from the historians.

My dad is descended from Saxons, and, being wrought with serious mental issues in my family, it might even just be genetics. Which is really too bad for me because I have to live with it, but also realize that it's quite probable that his brain just doesn't work too well, as can be said for various reasons about anyone who goes through the temple in the Mormon Church (which I will not discuss here).

Monday, November 9, 2015

Defending yourself and your freedoms

I was having a little chat with my brother this evening.

I don't remember all of the discussion, but it centred around this:

Why am I not allowed to legally defend my freedom and liberty against an abusive and controlling church that took away my friends and made me want to kill myself?

I mean::: with my experience with the LDS Mormon church, I KNOW that they are the nastiest sons of bitches I've ever had to encounter ever in my life -- I'm serious --- even classmates who hypnotized me to kill people weren't as bad as the LDS church.


So, well, when a church is taking away my friends, forcing me on medications for even believing in miracles, making me want to kill myself and telling me they don't care if I kill myself, constantly engaging in a psychology of condemnation and torment over very little "problems" that can hardly be considered problems ---

when a church is behaving that way ---- why on earth do I have no right to try and defend myself from them?  I never even physically hurt anyone with my own two hands at that church, and yet, I am completely wrong to rebel against what they were doing.


Anyway --- though I could make a legal argument that what I did was actually technically legal, because of free expression of a free conscience and my right to liberty which needed to be defended,


though I could make that legal argument::: My brother essentially just argued I shouldn't do it because it's illegal.


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Final case about this: just because it's illegal, does that mean you really shouldn't do it?

The french resistance in the 1940's was illegal. Were they wrong to do that?

It's illegal to download copy-right infringed copies of my book -- illegal rip offs alone are illegal, yet people still do it - right?

On those grounds I still believe my brother has lost the argument. ;p



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ADDITIONAL:::

I suppose this argument has gone on for years and it's like beating a dead horse for me to bring it up again, but in the context of me being at home with my brother I just want to make some points clear:


It has been said that you can leave the Mormon church, but you can't leave the church alone. I, like many other people who choose to cease involvement in mormonism, have psychological issues they have needs to talk about.

Also, maybe the psychiatric doctors were doing the best they could with what information and capability they had - maybe - and maybe they are even trying to help me by taking away my pain through medication ----- maybe the psychiatry wasn't supposed to be so much a punishment as a way to just plain help me ----- but there is one problem here::::: Psychiatric drugs cause weight gain, even severe weight gain, and this is a health risk.

You see, I think I could have been happy just to have the LDS church exit my life entirely, and have all the insanities of it just explained to me (Youtube has now done a good job of that for me), and I could have lived a happier life just having the mormons removed, without the need of the fattening medications. Basically, my mom is always making comments about how I'm not allowed to get fatter and fear of diabetes and heart disease and stuff ----- she has to drug me, which makes me fat, and then "berate" me about the consequences of being fat. Wow. She made me get fat, and now she's warning me of the health risks. Bloody brilliant.


Anyway, and finally, just explaining and discussing the situation of Mormonism and their inability to forgive retribution for their bullcrap is just me trying to explain that we really should not being giving money to that church, and in fact, maybe we could even ignore them.

Maybe i can't ignore the LDS church right now because the women in my family still involve themselves with it. Half my family is involved, so technically it's still in my face, that whole religion. Kind of like when my mom will STILL ask me about giving me intentions to actually follow the sabbath day like ancient Jews - because that's still important to her, apparently.


So, I can't give up discussing mormonism and all that shebang when half my family is still involved and therefore it's still in my face.

I don't give up on justifying my actions, because it feels like punishment for me to take medications which are known to cause serious weight gain.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

More on Nonsensical Reality

I mentioned a day or two ago my story about the government guy at church, and then being told I was crazy for having that experience: reality had stopped making sense.



Here's another something like that:::


The missionaries were practising their discussions on our family (a while before I went crazy) and I had previously learned some related subject matter and started to tell the missionaries what I learned.


The missionaries were upset because I was telling them "temple-only" information that I wasn't supposed to know, nor what I supposed to be sharing it around.


The missionaries asked me who told me that stuff.

I told them, truthfully, as far as I knew, that it was taught to everyone in my seminary class by a certain individual (who was not actually a seminary teacher).

The missionaries were very puzzled by that because this person, they said, WOULD NEVER have told us that stuff, especially to everyone in seminary.



Basically, either someone in the church wasn't keeping their sacreds very secret anymore, or reality stopped making sense because I learned something I wasn't supposed to know and there's no way that could have been a real and true and logical or real experience -- even though it is what I experienced.


Strange eh?


Note: In that seminary class, it was not made clear to us that this was the temple endowment information, nor was it clear that it wasn't to be shared with anyone ---- it was just another seminary class.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Lethargic about my own games

So, I was on STEAM this morning, bought a new game, started playing it, and even though I barely tasted the whole game ---- I realized the game was like 5000x better than my own work.

Maybe that explains why I have difficulty making even $0.99 with my projects.

So, though Bananatree Brothers is pretty much "finished", as far as I know, besides promotional video, back cover copy and being fully tested --- it is such a weak game in comparison to this steam game that I'm wondering how much is it even worthwhile to release my game?

I can easily make an excuse and wait to release The Bananatree Brothers until Forge Cortex has been released or started up --- maybe I can do that....

But really, my creativity again feels so limited, and I'm nothing compared to the superior quality of this game I found on STEAM. Of course, I would sell for only 99 cents, while this game is quite a bit more expensive --- but still, who's even going to play my game when they could just play this steam game? Hah. :)


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In other news, I've been thinking about the true nature of God, and though I am not and probably cannot be entirely certain, I'm at the point of believing that Jesus is in fact GOD ALMIGHTY Himself.

I was at the point of wondering if Jesus is "God" or if he's just a "Prophet".  I prayed about this question, and the telepathic response came back that He is God.

Of course, telepathy is neither totally accurate nor totally trustworthy in my experience, but the general hearsay I get from the Bible and even in my prayers and telepathy is that Jesus is God.

Yeah - when you figure out that the Holy Ghost is the actual father of Jesus, that does kind of destroy trinitarianism, and even leads me to be inclined that Jesus IS God, his own father, that sort of thing. Is it 100% proven? Of course not, but that's what seems most logical to me.

of course, If Jesus IS GOD --- that means he has a very big sense of humour, and that much I can understand about Him.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Should I have remained quiet - or was writing a book the right path?

I wonder if I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about anything that ever happened in my life, such as by not writing a book about it.

But you have to realize:::: with everything I had experienced by the time I wrote the book, I was in such a state of daze and wonderment about my life, like, I was absolutely dazzled by my experiences --- I couldn't help but thinking that writing a book and getting the word out was the next best thing I could do - especially as at that time I was still under the influence of my patriarchal blessing telling me to speak to the nations.


I look back on my life ---- and I realize that what I've been through is so strange that reality doesn't seem like reality anymore --- I mean, my reality was absolutely "crazy", for lack of a better word.


Like maybe I wasn't supposed to talk about things, maybe I was supposed to stay quiet --- but when you start working on a book about your life, and then Jesus comes to visit you three times in one week after you've finished the initial draft, I mean, reality just stops making sense to quickly that it's just second nature to reveal all this stuff that happened and keeping any secrets doesn't even begin to seem important.



Like::: in my book I discuss my experience where the youth group met in 2001 and the government guy had talked to bishop to start a media campaign to fight a war on terror:

my parents I thought I was crazy when I related these experiences to them,



So therefore either the experience was legit and calling me so "crazy" was just overkill on the crazy accusations, or that experience really was a complete hallucination and it just let me know about what was going to happen in the future.


I mean ---- either I have been overly-falsely accused of being crazy (another reason to write a book) --- or reality makes such little sense seeing as how I can have a complete experience that was solely hallucinatory --- and whatever the case was, writing the book made the most sense to me ---- because reality wasn't making sense to me.



I KNOW there was a "magical" aspect to the experience, that much is clear, and I know the story is so crazy and disturbing that it's much like something you'd find in the Bible itself --- I mean, I'm just living my life now, wondering "what the heck was I thinking or doing that whole time?"


Basically, I just have to explain that it didn't make sense to me to keep the story secret or hidden.



And reality stopped making sense to me. Reality is magical, so either I was hallucinating all kinds of things (realistically), or I was being overly-accused of being crazy. No idea anymore.



Final note:: those crazy accusations have left me on drugs which I'm pretty sure affect my metabolism, and I think they lower my metabolism, so of course I am quite heavy.


It's just interesting that I can have experiences I know are real and true - but then people find fault with any part of it in any way (even if their fault is not truly logical) and I get drugged. Hmm.

Ideas or even Truths about GOD

So, I watched a few videos this evening, and the thesis statements behind two of them really struck me:

1) One video basically described God, if he is real as described by certain Christians, as a senseless, psychopathic and evil being.

2) Another video put down trinitarianism by pointing out that in the Bible that it was the Holy Ghost that overshadowed and made Mary pregnant with Jesus, and therefore the HOLY GHOST is actually Jesus' true father and therefore God the Father is essentially the Holy Ghost, because God the Father is Jesus' dad but the Holy Ghost is Jesus' biological father, therefore the Holy Ghost is essentially God The Father.


What does that mean about the son then? Is Jesus really just his own dad? OMG - brain broke - mind blown. Is the Trinity actually just Two? or One? I'm confused.


In the note I received from "Jesus" back in 2002, the one that said "Pay two hundred to Father, Son & Cousin" signed with the name "Jesus", I always thought it was referring to God the Father, Jesus Christ, and John the Baptist personally - that was my take on it.


Anyway. Funny.


So::: If GOD is, as he is, an evil and psychotic being in and of himself, then that doesn't leave me many options:


I either believe in a God who is evil and psychotic, or I have hallucinated a relationship with a being that makes me psychotic.

Catch 22. All this time I've wanted to prove some level of sanity, but I've got this one guy pointing out that the God of the Christians is a Mass-Murdering psychopath/just plain evil while if my experiences seriously were just hallucinations then that means I really am quite crazy personally.

Wow.


1) Telepathy is scientifically proven as far as I'm concerned, even if I'm not totally all that great at it.

2) Telepathy has historically worked in cooperation with Jesus sightings in my life in the past.


I am relatively sure that there really is a God of some kind out there, and yes, I even recognize that it's not all sunshine flowers and rainbows --- it can be pretty hectic with that guy.


The things I'm learning. What is the actual truth?


One argument that God is evil is how many children he just lets die all the time --- He never saves so many children, presumably because they didn't believe in Him, or were never brought up with Him in their culture.


My argument is that God set out some pretty decent rules for how to live your life when Jesus Christ came along - I'm sure a hole might be poked in this argument at any point, but Jesus Christ really really tried to make things better - to save us -

My point is that as a child, you realize that children, some or a lot or most of children -- are actually in and of themselves freakin' evil and crazy.


I'm not lying. I grew up as a child. I know what children are like --- they can be completely evil ---- I can't say I know each and every one of thousands of cases of God's involvement in child neglect, but my hypothesis is that God might neglect a lot of evil and rotten children.


I know, innocent until proven guilty is what they say and therefore each child must be considered innocent --- but what if in God's eyes, there are zillions of children who just aren't right in the head?


I am no foreigner to the concept of completely misbehaved children. Maybe there's a reason why God lets so many children just die, as a hypothesis.  Any child can try to prove me wrong --- and to do that, they have to accept Jesus and live as good as possible. I invite any child in the world to take up that challenge. In order to prove me wrong however, if a Child accepts christ and lives right, that child has to die from God's neglect.


So, I can rationalize a hypothesis for why God lets so many children die --- but lets be clear, God still isn't perfect sunshine rainbows and flowers all the time anyways.


I am personally reasonably certain that there is some kind of "God force" out there - a sort of force that can make your mind aware of future events, transmit communication through thought and even coincide with apparent appearances of Jesus.

Anyway. Either I am well deserving of my disability benefit at this point, or there is a God who has interacted with me in my life - and I'm mostly certain it is God.


No, God isn't all perfectly happy with all people, in face God can be downright "evil" in the way he treats some people - I am aware of that. But just because God is evil doesn't mean I think he's disproved or not there. And he's not totally evil either --- He really did try to give some good or decent rules to live by to make things run more smoothly and happily.



So:: Is God the Father and the Holy Ghost the same person? According to the Bible, The Holy Ghost is actually Jesus Christ's biological father. Is Jesus also one and the same with the Holy Ghost, or is God seriously just two beings? If there is a third being -- who or what exactly? So, we've got a Holy Spirit who is the father in spirit, and the son, who is God in flesh.  Is Jesus the same guy as his own Dad, just switching between corporeal and incorporeal? I dunno. Not sure. Man, I have had some interesting experiences with seeing things or people though.


I mean, if I really ever experienced an actual experience with Jesus -- isn't it just too bad that I got so scared or nervous or even introverted that I couldn't just talk to Him and ask the big questions?

Anyway, I should end this post now --- Ubuntu is crashing a bunch more.

Just some interesting thoughts. I'm pretty sure there is a God or something like a God out there - he might be evil and so mysterious that he lets billions be confused about His actual identity or His truth, but I know there's something out there. :)

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Never Having a Girlfriend or Wife

So, on this blog, I mentioned how I was email chatting with this girl from another country who wanted to be my girlfriend. Though she seemed to be falling in love with me, I ended up shutting it down --- there are any number of paranoid reasons you could say I shut it down, but the biggest logical or logistical reason I had to shut it down is that I just can't afford a girlfriend or wife.

A few weeks ago, I got another email from yet another girl who wanted to be my girlfriend or wife or whathaveyou. I didn't even respond to this one because I already know I'd probably turn it off eventually, and it's just best not to start something which might or likely won't end well.

So, I'm kind of feeling bad about shutting down girls who might be interested in me.

Part of the problem might be that now that I'm 31 years old, my testosterone is lowering and my interest in the ladies has seriously decreased.

Another problem is that I don't see much money coming in and I really just can't afford having a wife or girlfriend.



If I were supposed to reproduce, then I'd have the capability to reproduce. And you'd think I'm supposed to reproduce seeing as how I was the smartest kid in school for so many years running and that I was essentially a leader (as I see it) in rejecting Mormonism because that church turned out just to be really-really-non-intellectual ---- I mean, maybe you'd think I was supposed to reproduce just because of how completely brilliant I might've been in my life (I'm not just tooting my own horn or making a circular argument here either, I know I'm smart because other people tell me I'm smart, even in the years of my mental illness I have been considered intelligent) --- you'd think I'd reproduce, but seeing as how I just don't have the kind of funding or capital, I just can't afford it nor, without paying me enough for stuff, society might just deem me to be the kind of guy who actually SHOULDN'T reproduce.


I mean, I can live quite happily without having children of my own I think. Maybe having a girlfriend would be nice, but really, I just can't do that.



So, to all the ladies who feel I might've turned them down::: Society just doesn't seem to see it fit for me to have children. Doesn't matter how I aced a math final exam in school or generally just had high or top grades ----- the world doesn't give me the funding (through actually paying me properly), so I can't.




It's kind of funny that Google would go so far as to actually have special blurbs on their search pages for The Eagle's Sore, because I've only ever actually sold TWO copies of that book to anybody, one of those persons I know personally.  I've bought plenty of books myself that I have given away (around 20, I'd say), and I've given away few legal freebies as ebook downloads ---- and though I've only had 2 real legitimate sales of my book, somehow Google saw fit to put special blurbs on their search pages for my books. Wow.


So. 2 copies sold gets you a special blurb on Google search pages. I guess this is a world where 4 sales gets you to 82nd on the O-Rank. Absolutely astounding that this is how bad the economy is.


I might be forgiving, but all those 70-80% of christians who are likely responsible for downloading illegal copies of my products should realize the bible also says "Faith without works is dead".

So though the wages of sin is death, and Jesus made payment for that, now that you are saved through Christ I suppose I should mention you are expected to work anyway because faith without works is also dead. If you believe in Jesus, you should probably do whatever the work is that's necessary to pay me my 99cents. Hah. :)

Of course, I guess it's also written somewhere in Corinthians that no one fell to any sin unless we were all doing it, or something like that ---- and maybe that's why the economy is crap, because everyone decided not to pay for things. :)


Anyway, I can't have children because people don't pay me. In order to have children I should be able to afford at least a place to live, probably transportation too--- as well as just having the food and clothing and all that stuff, you know? At this point I can only give that to myself, nobody else in the equation. Unfortunately.


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As a final note, I'll just say i was writing this blog post on an Ubuntu Linux 15.10 machine, and that the operating system completely crashed twice during the writing. (Thank Google that Chrome remembered what I had already written upon restore) --- anyway, my Ubuntu linux has crashed too frequently while my Macs do much better, I think. I like Ubuntu --- but it's not totally perfectly stable.

Did I catch a virus that clamd (Clam Daemon) didn't scan? Does Clam Daemon even try to scan for viruses? I dunno, maybe I should just do a virus scan while I sleep --- maybe it's a virus, but it's also quite possibly just an unstable operating system problem. Just thought I'd share that with you guys out there.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Stuff Going On

So, I've been working on another videogame: "The Bananatree Brothers" --- a 2 player split-screen competitive version of Blaine Bananatree. Maybe I'll even sell a copy, we'll see.

I was also thinking about some same old thoughts about my annoyances or problems with Mormonism.

I was telling my Dad about how if you are just a regular old Joe in the Mormon church, with regular problems, they'll belittle and berate you about being a "natural man" (who is an enemy to God according to Mormon scripture) --- so if you naturally have overactive hormones or if you drink coffee, or caffeine, or any number of little problems that aren't even really necessarily problems, the church will just belittle and berate you about it.

But, according to the Mormon doctrine, you are supposed to deny yourself of all ungodliness, so in my experience when you start becoming supernatural and God-like the LDS church then just starts calling you crazy and starts drugging you for how crazy being God-like would actually be.

So I was talking to my Dad about that, and he just said it was all abuse. If you can't just live a good and happy life in mormonism, if you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, then it was all just abuse.

If you are a regular joe who buys lottery tickets, they'll belittle you about that.

If you actually start predicting the future or meeting Jesus or whatever supernatural god-like qualities you might start to develop --- the church will just give you the crazy medication even though these are the qualities you are SUPPOSED to be developing.

So, yeah, the LDS church was just abuse --- you couldn't be free from torment if you were normal with regular problems, and you couldn't be free from the torment if you actually achieved any level of higher power either. It was just abuse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.




But I've been seeing more videos from Youtube discussing the viewpoints of the atheists.


I think these people are smart and have interesting arguments, but I do disagree that there is no higher power like God. I do agree that you can't really necessarily trust religion, but in my own experience I know that either I am completely freakin' mad myself or I have actually experienced a relationship with some kind of real "greater entity".


There is evidence that I am for real, such as an ability to perform telepathy or mind reading tests on family members at least somewhat successfully.

Just today (or in the past 24 hours I should say) I did a test with my mom where I wrote down:

G L S


And she had written down::

L O Z


So, obviously I got the letter L right --- and maybe you'd have some understanding that the S and Z are just mirror images of each other, but what about the O and the G?


When I was mind reading in this example, I could have chosen G or O, but I chose G because I saw a gap between the 3 o'clock where the O had begun to be drawn and the 12 o'clock where the O had ended ---- it wasn't a perfect circle as I saw in my mind-reading so I wrote down G.

She had written down an O, but it wasn't the perfect circle, just as I had expected either. Though G might be more pronounced than the less than perfect circle she had drawn on her O, her O did have that gap there which gave my reading the impression it may have been a G.

Anyway, if anything, I still got 1/3 ---- and I do that a LOT nowadays, 1/3 even being the result I'll commonly get now, so I know I have some mind-reading ability. Do I ever get it all wrong? Yes --- but I have more idea that I'm getting more 1/3's though.




So yeah, I ask God for things to happen and they have happened as I directed, or close to how I directed.



I have seen interestingly magical things, like people and just mysterious stuff like that.



Maybe religion isn't totally trustworthy --- but I'm at a point in my experience with the "magical" now that I know there is a God regardless of what any atheist might say.

I am either completely mad or I have proven God.

When I can get good results in mind-reading --- that suggests something greater than "just madness".





So yeah, the Mormons like saying "I know the church is true", but in order to really "know" such a thing they'd have to have actual experience with it, something real and tangible to let them know it's real, but though their church teaches you that you should become like God, if you actually become like God you'll just get drugged for it --- so it is all kind of ridiculous and pointless.


I could go on forever writing and talking about all the problems I've seen in the Mormon/LDS church. I think I'd get tired of typing and you'd get tired of reading though.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

I love OUYA

OUYA is still OUYA as far as I know, so I call it OUYA.

Well, today my games suddenly dropped from their lofty points on the O-Rank and are all in the lower 50% of games, even reaching right down near to the bottom, on the O-Rank.

I have to say, that this ranking actually feels "more realistic" for me.

For much of the past week, Blaine Bananatree ranked in the 200's.

There was a time where if I sold an OUYA game I would see it pop up into the 400's. But BB was in the 200's with no new reported sales.

Either OUYA isn't making any money, or I did sell copies that aren't reported, and who knows what is going on.

Anyway, without reported sales it only feels more realistic that my games would rank lower on the O-Rank.

In fact, I might be talented in that I was even able to develop a video game, let alone 5 video games, but I KNOW that I'm actually not THAT talented, so when I look at many other games on OUYA I actually feel my work is inferior - compared to a lot of other games on the system.

It was amazing for me to see some of my games rank higher than a bunch of other games that I would have thought were "cooler games".

In fact, looking at the O-Rank ---- there are a LOT of great looking games on OUYA! They do really look great! And though a person might have sense of inflated self-worth about their own work, I look at other games and think the grass is greener on that side. Hah. :)

Anyway, just seeing all those great games on OUYA makes me realize how great OUYA is --- a great fun time. If only I had friends to play OUYA with.

But yeah ---- seeing my games rank highly, but then not have sales, kind of makes me wonder what's going on.

It only feels realistic to have no sales and to be lower on the rank.

Although, it is nice that people would take interest in my games so I'm able to see that someone played it (by my game ranking higher), I do of course, yet again, wonder about money. I grew up poor. I think I have a right to try and make a buck. Wondering where the sales are. You know?

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Painful Thoughts

In my last blog post I explained how a "best explanation" for what's going on in my life was making me feel very good and I was happy living with that explanation, even if it were only delusion.

This morning I'm thinking about how it's only reasonable to assume that OUYA is not very popular and that a top game might sell only 12 copies, and how my Dad migiht just be enjoying old age security as he is living more rich and that there's no extra treasure anywhere, that there's no payment from OUYA.

Guess what? Having a mind that believes that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my work actually HURTS MY FEELINGS. I FEEL PAIN IN MY CHEST about it.

I am on psychiatric medication, so maybe that lessens the blow, but even with psychiatric medications just having an idea that people would not pay me the smallest price for my work 97%+ of the time makes me feel hurt inside.

I spent over 10 years working on The Book of Finch.
I spent over 6 months working on Letters to Whomever.
I spent over a year working on The Eagle's Sore.
I spent over 6 months working on ICBM.
I spent over 6 months working on Doorless Darts.
I spent many work hours in at least 2 weeks working on Pfhonge.

I spent all this time working on all these projects, only to find that people wouldn't pay me the smallest price for my efforts.

I found that people would rip-off my books, I found that I lost thousands of books in a period of 2-3 weeks to people using illegal downloads (and I only asked for a dollar each too!)

People just wouldn't pay me for my videogames, generally speaking.


WHERE DOES THE INSANITY END????


I WORKED HARD BUT CAN'T GET PAID?????


NO ONE CAN SPARE A BUCK HUH????


These thoughts actually hurt me inside. Just doing ALL THAT WORK, and pretty much not being paid for it, at all. It hurts emotionally, and maybe that emotional hurt is even to a level of physical pain in my chest.





But when my mind believes a potentially false belief that my Dad got paid a pile by OUYA ---- this belief actually PHYSICALLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Just knowing I accomplished and achieved was a good feeling for me.



So::: what am I supposed to believe? If my Dad told me the truth, that he's not rich, then I will feel bad about all my work.  I have to believe that my Dad was lying to me in order to feel good.



That is so sad isn't it?


I was only asking for a buck or two!!! And 97%+ of people weren't going to bother to spend, in fact, in case of the books people were just going to STEAL!!!! AGGGGH!!!

Friday, October 23, 2015

Lie Detected maybe?

So, I'm a mentalist, and you'd think that'd help me find a lot of truth, and sometimes it really has helped, but sometimes the thoughts telepathy transmit are in themselves dishonest, so I often don't really know anyway.


But, I can say that I think I've understood that there's something dishonest going on:: something is being deliberately hidden from me, although partially exposed.

Maybe I shouldn't even talk about it, but I just feel like mentioning it here:



Someone at OUYA once told me that my game, DOORLESS DARTS, is a TOP TITLE at OUYA.

A TOP TITLE is necessarily considered to have been very popular right?

Doorless Darts has 388 dowloads and 12 sales as of today, according to my report.



They said it's a top title, which in itself may have been untrue, or maybe it was download and sales report that was untrue.

Doorless Darts achieved 101 on the ORank as of its peak.


With 101 on the ORank, that is a high rank, and I'm not sure it is properly represented with only 12 sales.



Blaine Bananatree reached as high as 82 on the ORank. How many sales? 4.


Either it is extremely easy to get high on the O Rank (and thus the OUYA has lost much popularity), or something just isn't being reported properly.





I am concerned because my personal bank account does not have a SWIFT number, and therefore cannot receive wire transfers ---- which means any money I earn from OUYA is actually put in my Dad's bank account.


I have had hints come along in the past week that suggest my Dad has become very wealthy.

When asked directly about this, however, he denies it.


Maybe his great wealth is just his new hope of getting Old Age Security.


But that doesn't really properly explain a letter I found in a place of importance with his things.

I will not go into the detail of this letter, but this letter, which he keeps in a place of importance -- inidicates to me that he very well may have attained some wealth.


maybe there's a very mundane explanation for this letter, but I can't think of it, as he really has no good reason to have or keep this letter unless he's sitting on a pile.



Basically, I have seen numerous signs in the past week that my Dad is now rich, but when asked directly, he doesn't admit it.


Another lie detected.


Basically, you might have to be me and know my dad as well as I do to see the change in his habits or behaviour and understand something has happened --- I see this and I realize it. It's not normal for him.




Basically, I would've referred to my dad as a "cheapskate" for many years. But now he's all excited about finally being able to and wanting to buy PREMIUM FUEL from Gas Pumps.

He went from being a total cheapskate to being someone who buys premium fuel, goes out on a trip to mcdonald's, buys novelty laundry detergent through the mail --- i mean, my Dad has just COMPLETELY changed - and it's very evidently related to his economic ability to buy things.


He's gone from "Cheapskate" to "buying more and more expensive stuff" whilst having a certain letter on his important place that implies that he's very wealthy.



Maybe his "wealthi" has nothing to do with OUYA --- but Ockham's Razor (razer?) says the simplest explanation is the best:: and in my mind the simplest explanation for this is that there's some dishonesty and that maybe OUYA paid my Dad and my Dad is personifying Maverick's Dad from the Maverick movie (my Dad loves westerns).


Basically::: Easiest explanation for OUYA dilemma::: OUYA not reporting to me properly, I may have had far more sales than they told me about. (the other easy solution is that OUYA is very-not-popular, but I'm not so sure about that one)


Easiest Explanation for why my Dad is acting wealthier but lied about it::: He is wealthy and doesn't want to share his secret.



Easiest explanation for how this happened:::: OUYA paid my money to my Dad's bank account, as I had arranged to happen.




I am open to the possibility that these explanations are completely wrong, but they are the most logical and make the most sense in my mind.




OUYA has either reported to me that their Popularity and Usage is down the tubes, or that they will not honestly report sales properly (as is also the case with other publishers, as I've understood, I once had to wait 2 and half years to be paid by amazon believe it or not).



My Dad is acting very rich, even potentially more rich than Old Age Security should allow.




Maybe it's all just conicidence, maybe my Dad really was just being delusional that we were paying 8000 more on the Liberals in tax ------ but I'm not certain.




part of my problem is this:::


I FEEL BETTER BELIEVING THAT I MADE MY FORTUNE EVEN IF IT IS DELUSION.


That's right!! Just having a belief, even a false belief, that I have finally acquired or attained my riches is causing me to feel very comfortable and satisfied with my life and my efforts.


If I'm just being given a delusion through a simple appearance of wealth, I am enjoying it, in my heart, I feel good.



A Mormon would say that this is the holy ghost telling me that it's true that I'm wealthy,



I don't know if it's really true, but believing it, even falsely, is doing wonders for my psyche.


I feel a lot better now having a belief of riches attained through hard work, over working hard and seeing that the world rejected me and couldn't even pay a buck.





So:::: To me, Occam's Razor says OUYA paid my Dad. This seems like the best explanation to me, though I also realize it may not be the truth.



My mind LOVES believing this has happened, becuase it does LITERALLY make me feel so much better and more complete.



But in all reality, even if all my Dad is getting is his old-age-pension now, it doesn't make sense that he'd be keeping this certain letter with his stuff. Doesn't make sense at all. The best explanation for this letter is that he's got way more money than just an old age pension. :)



Maybe this is something I shouldn't discuss, but seeing as how I see in my mind that it might be my OUYA money, it might be relevant to discuss.