Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Who I should be

So, for quite a while I've been asking God the questions: "Who should I be? What should I be doing?"

More or less, God always seems to respond with an idea that I can be and do whatever I want to be or do.

I have an idea that this response stems from my history with the LDS church where if God actually told me something, the LDS church would disbelieve, deny it, and call me crazy.

Essentially, if that's the way the church responds to my personal revelation from Him, if that is how the church responds to my prayerful communications, then God can't really instruct me to do anything specifically because no one would believe me about my instructions.

He just lets me do whatever I want.

I also get an idea that because the church would reject my personal revelation for myself as insanity, that the church isn't really true either.

I know a few days ago I was overcome by the kindness of old mormon friends, and I had no way to argue with that --- but as of last night I just had to remember how my patriarchal blessing turned out and this morning I'm asking God what I should do ----- and regardless of these people's kindness to me along with their truth claims ---- I cannot see how the church could actually be true in my own mind.

If the church was true, God could tell me to be or do something and the church wouldn't argue with it.

But historically, when God has asked me to be or do things, the church argues vehemently and calls me crazy - forcing me on drugs.

If that's how the church responds to personal revelation, then the church isn't really true, and God knows better than to try to get me to do anything (because no one will accept my personal revelation even if I am just discussing my own life).

There you go.

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