Wednesday, September 24, 2014

What's the point of life?

So, this morning I woke up, and got kind of depressed.

I have nothing useful to do with my life. Try as I might to do something fun or profitable --- it turns out my skills just don't match up with the expected standard and I am just a complete loser.

I mean, I used to be top of the class in school right? Well, eventually my brain stopped working and my ability to learn plummeted.

My ability to socialize and be friends with people appears to be non-existant.

I try to write a true story of my life, and the first person to review it gives it 1 star saying it's a waste of $1 and from my perspective I'm not even sure that person even read the book.

Oh--- and that individual eventually made personal attacks against me which amazon deleted.

So ---  3/7 reviewers of The Book of Finch hated it so much they gave it 1 star.

Yes ----- a story about my life is just so s****y that half the reviewers couldn't bear to have any love for me.

Sometimes life feels good and worthwhile, especially in the past few years --- but for most of my life and partially even these days life feels like such crap ---- I mean, all sorts of things just go wrong... anyway, most of my life has been crap, so when people read my life's story they say they hate me/my book and give me 1 star, saying it's a waste of money even if they got the book for free.

So --- I don't have the skills to make a good book, I don't have the skills to build a great videogame, I don't have very good social skills, my brain turned off and my grades plummeted, a church that preaches "love one another" didn't appear to be very loving overall, and really, this morning I woke up depressed and wondering - what is the point of my life?

Why do I live? What do I exist for? Why has most of my life been filled with such complete BS?? And why can't people just love me, but instead have to say they hate me because of how badly my life turned out?

Anyway --- I kind of wondered if I should check back in to the psychiatric hospital voluntarily to deal with these issues --- especially to deal with my momentarily re-occurring thoughts of suicide.

But, later in the day I started feeling better -although still realizing in my mind I just don't have what it takes to do anything really worthwhile.

Well, I'm gonna have enough money to pay for my dental work soon ---- it seems like a good idea to avoid the hospital while I get my tooth done, rather than go to the hospital and not get the tooth checked out or donate a bunch of money to charity and not get the tooth checked out.

Believe me ---- I love helping people, I donate so much to charity - and maybe that's about the only useful thing I've done with my life -- and what's sad is, I'm donating my assured income to charity rather than earning myself --- because I seem to be incapable of earning much, as I don't really have any great skill at anything.

I guess I turned out a lot like what I know of my own father. Growing up, I couldn't help but notice that he seemed like an almost-useless individual Hmm. In fact, in truth he's probably more useful than I am, which makes me a COMPLETE F***ING LOSER.

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