So, I just had some quick thoughts about why my social life is so lonely, and then I felt like posting on my blog about it.
On Facebook, I have less than 20 friends. Some of them I don't really know personally, and all of them aren't really personal friends -- they're acquaintances.
So::: Where did all my close personal friendships go? I used to have some real good friendships with people ---- but those all appear to have disappeared.
My thought was this:::: Ever since the church forced an end to my friendship with someone I loved dearly, well, to be honest, if everyone's equal --- and this one most beloved friend is not allowed to be a friend anymore ever --- then I guess no one is allowed to be my close personal friend.
I mean, that's the logic I've developed because of this decision someone made that says "Kristian is not good friendship material".
I lost my friendship with someone I loved dearly and now NO ONE can be my friend.
I'm left with just my family ----- and family relations aren't even really that close ---- I mean, when I was growing up in the church my family felt like such crap to be a part of that when they asked if I wanted to be eternally sealed in the celestial kingdom I just said "terrestrial is good enough for me".
I mean, I later tried to change my mind and try to have my own loving family with a loving woman --- but like I said, NO ONE wants to go near me.
I can't be with friends or family. Even if a very special lady named Avril Lavigne specifically tries to ameliorate my situation (I'm disabled so it's allowed) by being my friend, even then the church will not allow it.
I am destined to be alone, single and friendless. Even my few Facebook friends aren't really close personal friends.
Someone just made a decision that said "Kristian can't be friends with you anymore" and boom - now I can't have any friends, not even the real nice lady who was trying to ameliorate my situation.
I mean, that friend I love dearly, so, like, I, by myself, am not allowed to be friends with her since we were 17 years old and that's a choice her parents can make for her because we were under the age of 18 ---- and then regardless of how much we are now older than 18 and I'm now a 30 year old adult --- the decision made at 17 sticks and she can't be my friend, and no one can be my friend.
In fact, though the decision that I can't have friends was made at the age of 17 and has progressed into adulthood ---- well, the friend I loved so dearly and lost is friends with all sorts of other people and all the kids we knew in school ---- she's friends with all of them, but I actually have to be specifically excluded from the whole social arena -- ever since the age of 17 and it continues into my 30's.
Yeah --- I don't really have friends, and even the one really nice person who really tried to help me and ameliorate my low situation --- even she wasn't allowed.
So, I'm stuck with a family I can't really be close to because my home life was hell for me ever since I was very young, and things have improved, but I don't really have much hope for it all.
I am getting closer to my family --- but some problems seem like more I can bear. I mean --- my dad never really wants to discuss anything with me that's important to me, whilst my brother has big psychological problems that prevent him in playing video games with me as my friend. He'll play games and video games with everyone else in the world, but most of the time even my older brother specifically excludes me.
Why is this? How can this all be?
Maybe I'm just too freakishly strange because I believe I met Jesus -- who knows? I think "the poor wayfaring man of grief" was actually supposed to be Jesus Christ --- so I guess I'm christ-like because I'm so excluded from the social world. Hah.