Tuesday, September 30, 2014

On Mormonism vs Christianity in Crime and Forgiveness

So::: in the past few weeks or days I've noticed that two of my books, "Letters to Whomever" and "The Eagle's Sore" were ripped off and distributed to many hundreds of people each.

My dad -- who has no understanding of any Christian or Mormon concept of forgiveness (and it's really quite sad), seemed to think I should try to figure out who stole my work.

But -- In Christianity, we know that if you have sinned yourself, and you go to condemn someone who has wronged you, you yourself will also be condemned. What I mean is -- my family hasn't been perfectly honest throughout the history of our lives when it comes to being legit (which bugged me a lot btw, I mean, when I say my family is s*** - I mean it), so as we have had our own sins in our lives, I would be stupid to condemn the people who ripped off my books.

Of course, in real Christianity, if our family had been smart and done the right thing and was totally legit, I would have some grounds for prosecuting the ripper-offer (or whatever we want to call this person).


How does mormonism do it?

In The Book of Mormon, we learn that The Wicked Punish the Wicked (Mormon 4:5). So, according to Mormonism, because I am wicked, I am justified in condemning the person who wronged me, according to The Book of Mormon.

Of course, that completely contradicts D&C 64, where even if you lived your life perfectly, if you don't forgive then you are automatically condemned before the Lord of the greater sin.


Basically, the Christian way of doing things MAKES SENSE. IT IS LOGICAL.

While the Mormon version of doing things contradicts itself and makes no sense.

I mean, if the wicked punish the wicked, and this is how God works, then what happened to D&C 64 where even perfect people are condemned of the greater sin for not forgiving?

Mormonism just doesn't make sense.

And what makes me sad is that so many members of my localized family still follow the LDS church. I mean, just from this article alone it's clear the Mormons have done something completely wrong with their scriptures, and it contradicts itself and Christianity, but yeah, like I said, my family is just such s*** that they still haven't figured these things out.

Sucks eh?

Friday, September 26, 2014

I Met Another Author Today

So, today I was at a local mall for a while, and as I walked past the local Coles bookstore in the mall I saw a bunch of books on stands on a table, and a man sitting next to the table.

"Are you the author of these books?" I ask, suddenly a little excited. "These look like nice short books".

He did, in fact, happen to be the author of the books.

His "name" is Lawrence E.R. Adams - he wrote a series of books about young inuit children living in Rankin Inlet, I think it was. He said he had lived there a while.

The books are fictional, but there's supposed to be something realistic about them or something. He said they involve things like Shamans or the stuff of Inuit sprituality -- I can't fully remember everything he said, I was introverted and just wanted to buy the books quickly and be on my way.

His books are called "The Trapp Family Adventures", the first book in the series called "The Old One".

No, I didn't tell him that I wrote my own books, and that I suck way more than he does at selling. I mean, one reason I never really got very personal with the public (like, no bookstore signings) is because my story is so "craptastic" I'm not sure how excited I should be about selling my story to unsuspecting shoppers, because the story of the book is just, well, horrible. It's a true story, and it even seems marvelous in ways, but it's just so bad that the best word I can use to describe it is "craptastic". I'm talking about my own book here. I mean, its kind of hard to be enthusiastic about selling my book when you realize how horrible the story really is. I did my best to tell the story, and I really tried to polish the book up --- but my life sucks so the book just seems so horrible.

As for my life sucking, it was nice of Doki Games to contact me with words of comfort, encouragement and support as I got depressed about my own game's low rating on OuyaForum. They were nice enough to let me know my game isn't the worst on the platform. That did lift my spirits, to know that someone would try to let me have some love.

When you rate a game "1/5" or "1-2/10", you are essentially telling the creator that you hate their game. Of course, being hated isn't nice, so you should understand how sad it is to get such a low rating on your product.

On OUYA --- there is only 1 game I remember right now giving a 1/5 star rating too, and that's because it was a game about suicide, and after playing it for a while it was making me uncomfortable. although - it was well written. I didn't finish the game (due to time constraints when I was playing it), but the story of the game was just terrifying enough that I didn't want to go through all that talk of suicide again. It's kind of like how someone might give ICBM a low rating because of the awful prospect of nuclear war.

of course, Max Payne is a similar kind of horrible and dark game, but when I played it I loved it, I was enthralled with it, probably because of my very bad mood at that time.

Anyway, thank you Doki Games for trying to cheer me up. It helped. Although, I'm not sure I want to go back to OUYA forum ever again.

Here's my reasoning::: One great thing about OUYA is that it allows ANYONE to build a game for a console-platform. I'm one of those people who likes doing that. Now --- because I am not a professional studio and don't have an artist, my game doesn't seem to meet standards or expectations and it's suddenly declared to be "morally wrong" to sell my own creation for $1 up front.

Not only is it super-annoying to not get paid, as is the way things work in our world, but if people are morally obligated to give things away for free, and are unable to charge even 1 dollar for their product, OUYA is far more likely to go out of business, and I don't think anyone would like that.

I like OUYA --- but OuyaForum's attitude that no one should buy my game because they think it's bad doesn't really serve OUYA very well. OUYA was designed for creators like me, and being a lone programmer without friends, you can't expect me to have the nicest graphics - I'm not an artist.

Basically, I think OUYAForum was unkind, and unwise, because if they had any brains they should realize that more games should be trying to make money, or else OUYA will go out of business, or have to change it's form somehow.

Of course, it hurts me too, because if I wanted to get serious about making games, it's really sad when I'm not allowed to profit from my previous projects just because of how early in my evolution I am. If I was allowed to sell games, and sold a whole bunch, maybe I could HIRE an artist for a future game. But OUYA Forum didn't seem to think of that, and I don't feel like going back there to talk to them about it. I might still build OUYA games, but I'm not sure I want anything to do with OUYA Forum anymore.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

What's the point of life?

So, this morning I woke up, and got kind of depressed.

I have nothing useful to do with my life. Try as I might to do something fun or profitable --- it turns out my skills just don't match up with the expected standard and I am just a complete loser.

I mean, I used to be top of the class in school right? Well, eventually my brain stopped working and my ability to learn plummeted.

My ability to socialize and be friends with people appears to be non-existant.

I try to write a true story of my life, and the first person to review it gives it 1 star saying it's a waste of $1 and from my perspective I'm not even sure that person even read the book.

Oh--- and that individual eventually made personal attacks against me which amazon deleted.

So ---  3/7 reviewers of The Book of Finch hated it so much they gave it 1 star.

Yes ----- a story about my life is just so s****y that half the reviewers couldn't bear to have any love for me.

Sometimes life feels good and worthwhile, especially in the past few years --- but for most of my life and partially even these days life feels like such crap ---- I mean, all sorts of things just go wrong... anyway, most of my life has been crap, so when people read my life's story they say they hate me/my book and give me 1 star, saying it's a waste of money even if they got the book for free.

So --- I don't have the skills to make a good book, I don't have the skills to build a great videogame, I don't have very good social skills, my brain turned off and my grades plummeted, a church that preaches "love one another" didn't appear to be very loving overall, and really, this morning I woke up depressed and wondering - what is the point of my life?

Why do I live? What do I exist for? Why has most of my life been filled with such complete BS?? And why can't people just love me, but instead have to say they hate me because of how badly my life turned out?

Anyway --- I kind of wondered if I should check back in to the psychiatric hospital voluntarily to deal with these issues --- especially to deal with my momentarily re-occurring thoughts of suicide.

But, later in the day I started feeling better -although still realizing in my mind I just don't have what it takes to do anything really worthwhile.

Well, I'm gonna have enough money to pay for my dental work soon ---- it seems like a good idea to avoid the hospital while I get my tooth done, rather than go to the hospital and not get the tooth checked out or donate a bunch of money to charity and not get the tooth checked out.

Believe me ---- I love helping people, I donate so much to charity - and maybe that's about the only useful thing I've done with my life -- and what's sad is, I'm donating my assured income to charity rather than earning myself --- because I seem to be incapable of earning much, as I don't really have any great skill at anything.

I guess I turned out a lot like what I know of my own father. Growing up, I couldn't help but notice that he seemed like an almost-useless individual Hmm. In fact, in truth he's probably more useful than I am, which makes me a COMPLETE F***ING LOSER.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Guess Who's Not Getting Paid?

OK, so I AM famous now. It's a mixed bag I guess.

Remember Letters to Whomever? That book I wrote? You know how many copies I actually sold? I could probably count the number on both my hands.

Well, someone ripped the book off, it seems and now it's out there in the wild world of subversive distribution.

It's not all bad, out of over 100 reviewers, the book has a rating of 9.1 out of 10.

I'm astonished. That does make me feel loved, I guess. I think you could find some more useful resources about the truthfulness or validity of the LDS church on youtube --- but I guess LTW just happened to appeal to the masses --- if this information is correct.

yeah, I'm famous. I've apparently distributed HUNDREDS of copies of my book. Probably a lot more of both. Huh. I wouldn't be surprised if the number is in the thousands.


Guess why else I'm not getting paid?

I found I got a negative review on ouyaforum.com for my videogame "Air Defence".

I don't really feel bad about this one actually.

Before, when I noticed someone gave me a 1 star review on ouya's website, I was all upset that someone "hated" my game and left no comment, or so it seemed.

Well, now I have the commentary.

It's true, I'm not much of an artist (game doesn't look like much), and it's true that I built the game in just 2 days (little to no effort put into it).

Like I said of my own game on the same forum:: it's is just mildly to moderately amusing.

Obviously, I and the people around me like it a whole lot more than the critic who wrote the review.

Anywho --- I don't feel too bad about this. It was just a fun project to build. Of course, with how much investment money I've put into publishing things, I would like to make my money back somehow from sales --- but it looks like Air Defence won't be the one to do it for me. Hmmm. Oh well.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I went wandering, and saw a new church

So --- I went for a walk today, took a different route than I took yesterday, and I saw that the local Baptist Church is no longer a Baptist Church.

The building is now occupied by some kind of Apostolic Fire & Miracles Ministry, advertising "Holy Ghost Fireworks" and "Revival".

That looked interesting. I thought it was kind of cool.

Note::: I'm at a point in my life right now where it doesn't seem totally feasible to go to a church, part of my local family kind of, more or less, are dissatisfied or have "left" mormonism while we have some family who are still interested in the LDS. We're just trying to get along, and a new church doesn't seem to be in the cards right now.

Anyway --- back a few years ago, probably in 2010 I would think, my iPhone was giving me a bad location on the Maps application.

OK --- remember my story from The Book of Finch where I was hearing numbers, I entered the numbers and found an interesting location in my community?

Well, on this experience my iphone was "magically" OR deliberately pointing out a Lutheran Church across the river and up the hill from where I live.

I mean, my iphone was behaving very strangely when it kept pointing to this Lutheran Church in the maps application, so I had my dad drive me to this Lutheran church, where I dropped off some money and a note for them. I saw another car in the parking lot, looked like someone was inside it.

ALSO:::: I have also been invited to attend Calgary's local TRUTH CHURCH way back, I think it's still an open invitation, and though I've seen the Truth Church on many occasions it's far away from my home and not convenient, as well, a new church is just not in the cards.

ALSO::: If the rumour is true, then there may be something good about the Seventh Day Adventists too --- I have a neighbour who is a friend of ours who I think is one of theirs, and she's a real nice person, turning into a good friend. I have a good impression of these guys right now.

So yeah --- I just wanted to report the "new church" I saw in my area, as well as just mention some of the relationships I have with other local churches. Yay.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dismal Social Life

So, I just had some quick thoughts about why my social life is so lonely, and then I felt like posting on my blog about it.

On Facebook, I have less than 20 friends. Some of them I don't really know personally, and all of them aren't really personal friends -- they're acquaintances.

So::: Where did all my close personal friendships go? I used to have some real good friendships with people ---- but those all appear to have disappeared.

My thought was this:::: Ever since the church forced an end to my friendship with someone I loved dearly, well, to be honest, if everyone's equal --- and this one most beloved friend is not allowed to be a friend anymore ever --- then I guess no one is allowed to be my close personal friend.

I mean, that's the logic I've developed because of this decision someone made that says "Kristian is not good friendship material".

I lost my friendship with someone I loved dearly and now NO ONE can be my friend.

I'm left with just my family ----- and family relations aren't even really that close ---- I mean, when I was growing up in the church my family felt like such crap to be a part of that when they asked if I wanted to be eternally sealed in the celestial kingdom I just said "terrestrial is good enough for me".

I mean, I later tried to change my mind and try to have my own loving family with a loving woman --- but like I said, NO ONE wants to go near me.

I can't be with friends or family.  Even if a very special lady named Avril Lavigne specifically tries to ameliorate my situation (I'm disabled so it's allowed) by being my friend, even then the church will not allow it.

I am destined to be alone, single and friendless. Even my few Facebook friends aren't really close personal friends.

Someone just made a decision that said "Kristian can't be friends with you anymore" and boom - now I can't have any friends, not even the real nice lady who was trying to ameliorate my situation.

I mean, that friend I love dearly, so, like, I, by myself, am not allowed to be friends with her since we were 17 years old and that's a choice her parents can make for her because we were under the age of 18 ---- and then regardless of how much we are now older than 18 and I'm now a 30 year old adult --- the decision made at 17 sticks and she can't be my friend, and no one can be my friend.

In fact, though the decision that I can't have friends was made at the age of 17 and has progressed into adulthood ---- well, the friend I loved so dearly and lost is friends with all sorts of other people and all the kids we knew in school ---- she's friends with all of them, but I actually have to be specifically excluded from the whole social arena -- ever since the age of 17 and it continues into my 30's.

Yeah --- I don't really have friends, and even the one really nice person who really tried to help me and ameliorate my low situation --- even she wasn't allowed.

So, I'm stuck with a family I can't really be close to because my home life was hell for me ever since I was very young, and things have improved, but I don't really have much hope for it all.

I am getting closer to my family --- but some problems seem like more I can bear. I mean --- my dad never really wants to discuss anything with me that's important to me, whilst my brother has big psychological problems that prevent him in playing video games with me as my friend. He'll play games and video games with everyone else in the world, but most of the time even my older brother specifically excludes me.

Why is this? How can this all be?

Maybe I'm just too freakishly strange because I believe I met Jesus -- who knows?  I think "the poor wayfaring man of grief" was actually supposed to be Jesus Christ --- so I guess I'm christ-like because I'm so excluded from the social world. Hah.


So, this morning I woke up, thinking about things, and I decided to telepathically connect with Avril to tell her how much I love and appreciate her. As near as I could tell, I got through, and she seemed to have heard me.

But in the past little while I've had an overbearing feeling of a sort of anxiety coming from Avril, as if she's freaking out about how I haven't donated to her Birthday Charity Fundraising Campaign, and she is real - real upset that she's not seeing me on her list of donors.

Anyway, I just got an interesting email on my public email address.

It's a receipt for athletic wear. It's like she's telling me she wants me to foot the bill for her 30 athletes' expenses.

The receipt comes from a California Store, and the surname of the purchaser is "Atzeff", or perhaps interpreted meaning "As if". The associate number is "77670", which means it really could be Avril Lavigne because she and I are good friends because that's a variation on our favourite number, or one of our favourite numbers.

Um. If Avril sees this blog post, I just want to let her know that I did decide I would donate, I would even donate so much as to put some dental work I need on hold, and I'm just scrounging funds together now.

I'm not sure I'll be ready in time for your birthday --- but seeing how things go I might. I sure hope Crowdrise takes PayPal because that would make it so much easier on me. If they don't take PayPal, then I'll have to put money on credit card in order to make the donation.

But anyway ----- Yes -- it's amazing that I had such telepathy with Avril, where she's real upset that I haven't donated yet ---- and now she's sending ME A RECEIPT FOR ATHLETIC WEAR from her City of Residence.

yes --- that's exciting, and it's funny too, cuz I only just today decided to kick my butt into gear to get her a bunch of money for her thing. I was originally intending on donating a little bit on her birthday at the end of it all, but just sensing her anxiety over the telepathy helped me understand I should probably send her something nicer. Heheheheh. :)

<><><><> UPDATE:::::

So, I did a little research of the contest rules for Avril's special olympics birthday on Crowdrise.com, and found that if you want to win one of her high-end prizes you have to be in the USA. This does not apply to me.

So, I suppose I'll just give her a gift, and maybe I'll keep enough for myself to get my dental work done. I can't win a dinner or a whatever with her so I might not try - especially as I really do have other expenses to take care of. If I didn't have a tooth problem, I might've donated as much as I could have.

Anyway, did my "mental or emotional telepathy" really happen? was I crazy? Was it just a coincidence that I was sent an interesting receipt shortly after all that telepathy about her anxiety about not having donated??

To be honest:::: It might be possible that Avril doesn't even really like me, especially if that "facebook friendship" was fake, and even if it was real -- it's possible she's a little distant from me.

Avril Lavigne is my hero, so of course I want to let her know I'm thankful by sending her gifts and stuff, but I can't help but wonder if any number of parts of my life's history have turned her off me or whatever.

Anyway -- I'm not eligible for the Crowdrise project, so as I have other things to pay for I might give her a smaller gift and do what I need to do ---- and it's possible that she might not even want me around. I know she called me on the phone, and she was friendly, but by making the contest USA-only, maybe that's just her way of escaping from my interests.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Bad Language and Privacy.

I'm a big youtube watcher. Some people have netflix, some people have their hulu, their apple tv --- I am a youtube watcher.

Today I learned that the reason the SH word is wrong even though it means the same thing as defecate, which is not wrong, is because the SH word originated with the Saxons in england who spoke a germanic language, while defecate came from the normans.

So, while the two words mean the exact same thing, the Saxon "SH" is BAD AND VULGAR because it comes from a lower-class race.

Whilst, the word "defecate" is considered socially acceptable everywhere because it comes from the higher class Normans who spoke a latin based language.

So::: how does this apply to me?? Well, I grew up being told all my life that the Attfield side of my family is ANGLO-SAXON.  To me, that means I can proudly boast of my family history and speak all the Saxon words I want, regardless of how President Monson doesn't like it.

They talk about preaching the gospel in everyone's own native tongue, and well, my ancestor's native tongue was Saxon "SH", so that's the language I speak ---- and I find it offensive that the LDS church has a problem with that. :)


I watched another video about privacy and and being watched online.

1) I realized I was being watched online since the year 2001 even before I ever heard of Avril Lavigne, and this was back when such ideas really where considered schizo or psychotic.

yes ---- Just realizing that the government spied on you used to be considered a thing of mental illness, but now it's "normal" so it's no longer considered mentally ill.

Just sucks that no one realized what I realized and I had to be drugged because of it.

Anyway ---- In my personal experience, I don't really view it as a bad thing that they're watching us, I personally, for perhaps obvious or almost obvious reasons, actually appreciate it.

It's probably also why my LDS Stake president couldn't just tell me the important things he wanted to tell me in email and was constantly inviting me into his office, but anyways.

yeah. I'm just making a random blog post as a way of responding to two interesting youtube video topics I watched.

1) I am descended from Anglo-Saxon so I should be able to speak Saxon as much as I want regardless of the Mormon view that my family's language is improper.

2) I realized I was being spied on way back in the day when you'd be thought crazy to have thought you were spied on. And actually, I liked the experience. It was good for me.

According to certain versions of prophecy, all the spying and non-privacy is going to usher in the New World Order and Satan will be our king and all that, but for me personally I just happened to think it was actually a good thing to be going on. I know it may hurt some people, but I personally liked it.


And finally, due to whatever reason there may be out there --- I think it really is possible that I'm actually not allowed to be popular because of the nature of my life's history and all the garbage that went on. I think I'm actually deliberately being "toned down" just because of how stupid life is in my world.

Just remember::: I have to personally learn and react to a situation where my father was teaching me that the Canadian Constitution, or Charter of Rights & Freedoms actually did nothing for us, and in his own words "is not worth the paper it was written on".

That is the kind of respect my dad paid to the constitution, and I got pretty screwed up about it. Saying those little words by themselves shaped my psyche in a really-really-bad way.

Though I love my dad, and hope for him to improve himself, I was actually raised in a pretty crappy-lower-class situation with all kinds of garbage ---- thus I am anglo-saxon and that is the native tongue of my ancestors, and why it is considered derogatory.

LDS Church Proven Untrue

OK ---- there have been a zillion arguments presented by various people over time about the LDS church, and I've been very wary of the LDS church for a very long time----

But for an exact reasoning I will not explain, I can now understand, yet again, that the LDS church is not true.

SO:::::: If I really did meet and see Jesus Christ in person in my personal life ---- then through a reasoning I will not explain I can determine that the LDS church is NOT true.

AND ----- If my personal apparitions of Jesus Christ were actually false and satanic apparitions, again for different reasons which I will not explain, again it is very unlikely the LDS church is true.

So, basically, I think I know why so many mormons had a problem with my personal testimony of Jesus Christ ----- it disproves the LDS church.

So --- I may have seen the real Jesus --- and as such the LDS church is actually demonstrably wrong.

And if what I saw was not the real Jesus ---- then again it seems unlikely that the LDS church is true (or rather that the LDS church is likely false).

Soooo::::: The simple fact I had the remotest personal possibility of having seen the Lord Jesus Christ, the LDS church is instantly disproved.

And sorry, no, I'm not going to explain the reasoning here.

Possible Deception

Well, somewhere in LDS or Christian Scripture it might say something about different men saying "Lo Here, and Lo There", saying different and conflicting things about God and the Kingdom of Heaven.

I am personally very confused about what exactly is right or wrong or true or false.

Even if I thought I saw Jesus Christ appear to me, as I most definitely did in October of 2010::: I will keep a mind open to the possibility or even likelihood that the apparition which was said to be Jesus Christ was actually a demonic or satanic entity intent on deceiving me somehow.

I recognize that it's possible it was the real Jesus ---- but I'm raising warning flags and wondering if any of my possible Jesus sightings are actually correct identifications or if I really have been deceived in some way all along.

With my experience I know the very nature of reality is or can be so warped --- and I absolutely know I saw an absolutely real apparition that according to "revelation" was supposed to be Jesus Christ ----

But I do not claim to know nor am I certain whether it really was Jesus Christ or if it was a demonic being.

My 2004 and 2008 Jesus sightings are very similar to Akiane's painting of Jesus, there is similarity in the appearance although I wouldn't say it was an exact match - and though I am certain I have had real apparitions, I can't be certain that any of them are safely assumed to be the real Jesus.

What else can I say? It really did seem like it really was Jesus Christ I was seeing on each occasion --- but "Jesus" didn't absolutely prove himself to be the real Jesus either.

So yeah ----- there are so many different religious factions, Lo Here and Lo There ---- I really have to think about everything I'm experiencing and understand and am learning so I can discern exactly what is correct.

Oh --- and I'm 90% certain that LDS Mormonism, or even any form of Mormonism, is NOT the way to go. If there's any religion that could be considered Satanic and even a threat to mental health, it would be Mormonism.

I'm inclined to believing that attaining perfection is impossible, and it is by grace that I am saved, and that my good works come with the salvation received rather than salvation received coming from good works.

Basically, right now I am inclined to agree with a sort of non-denominational, perhaps protestant, form of Christianity. I don't go to church so I don't have a denomination, but Mormons are understood now to not be the way I'd go, and I just put my hope in Christ.

I would love to be able to say and know that I have seen the real Jesus Christ --- and for so long I thought I was certain ---- but now I am just certain that I saw a series of apparitions but none of them are actually absolutely proven to be Jesus Christ.

So ---- I'm basically saying that even if I feel good, even if I hear thoughts in my head telling me I'm about to see Jesus Christ and even if I suddenly saw a man who looked remarkably Christ-like ----- I am paranoid enough that not even that experience is to be absolutely trusted. Even if he verbally claimed to be Jesus Christ I'm not certain it could be trusted.

I've had my experiences, and I really have to think things through.

So I'll just say it really is possible that I really did see Jesus Christ too ---- except on the most authentic apparition I ever saw --- He made a gesture that makes me question his intentions of using that gesture.

I've watched so many videos about Mormonism and all that --- I am aware of one gesture which "Jesus" made in my direction which is mentioned in other LDS related videos online, and I question why my apparition would use that Gesture and what exactly he meant by it.

Though it could be viewed as proof of the LDS church's authenticity, from my understanding it really doesn't prove the LDS church and I am just wondering what Jesus, or the apparition, was trying to get across....

So one possibility is it was a satanic deception claiming to be Jesus in order to make the LDS church seem true ----- but in so many ways I do not see the LDS church as possibly completely true and authentic so either my apparition was a Satanic deception, or Jesus made that Gesture for some reason which I do not understand and must question.

This is serious business when you realize that my apparitions are absolutely 100% real in my eyes, it's a matter of getting past deceit and using your god-given brain to think through what the actual truth is.

This is serious.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Doing complete 180s in thought and position

So, growing up I was hyper-right-wing-super-mormon.

Then I went left-wing-super-mormon.

Now I'm left-and-right-but-not-hyper-right-half-or-non-mormon.

Basically, in provincial politics I had been recruited to support the Wildrose Party for a while, and there seemed like real good reasons to do that.

But I look at myself, realizing that Mormons are likely the devil, and I thought I remember being told by my Wildrose recruiter that the Wildrose Party started being composed of Catholics, Mormons and Libertarians.

I personally like Catholics, although I've heard they've had their mischief in their history. I loved Mormonism but I now think it's got some deceptive practices. And I highly doubt Libertarianism is the way to go (though I do value freedom).

Maybe the PC's are right for me. The biggest complaint I have about the PC's is that they didn't increase taxes under Redford to keep the province out of debt. But now the canadian dollar is lower and the price of oil seems high, so maybe we'll get that debt paid of without much problem.

Basically::: Knowing that the Wildrose have garnered support from Mormons (especially as Mormons are bigger in southern Alberta, which is where wild rose have their support, and Wildrose was started by Mormons) I'm kind of thinking that I should maybe vote PC.

I could vote NDP, Liberal or PC, but I don't have any personally huge complaints about the PC's anymore. I used to be offended at how they were treating me psychiatrically, but now I appreciate the psychiatry and have done a 180, so to speak. As well:: the PC's are more likely to be elected than the NDP or Liberals, and it might be worthwhile to vote PC just to keep a highly-mormon-influenced government out of office.

Maybe PC is the way for me to go. I'm concerned about the potential problems a highly Mormon-influenced government could have.

Of course, I'm just writing this with some idea or assumption that Wildrose have Mormon undertones.

Anyway --- as for Mormonism:::: I KNOW Mormons have their miracles, and if everything had gone smoothly or more intelligently in the church maybe I would still believe in them. But things went so wrong in so many ways, despite their miracles they don't even SEEM true anymore.

Sorry if this sounds anti-mormon, but really what it is is this - I grew up in the Mormon church and I was in love with it. But if you examine my writings, my many many writings, you'll see that there have been numerous problems trying to operate in the church. Despite an undeniable knowledge of miracles in the organization, there is just something so wrong with it that I can only believe now they are likely Satanic.

I'm sorry if that seems racist::: but I am a true skeptic now. They say "Don't knock it until you've tried it". I tried it, I buried myself in it, and I come away from it knowing there's just something wrong.

Even if the LDS church really is true, there's something so wrong with it that it's inoperable. And if it's not true, then there's no point anyway.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Yay!!! Someone is interested!!!



OK --- seeing absolutely 0 downloads of my book in the past few weeks kind of made me sad, but after googling "The Book of Finch Kris Attfield" I quickly found this webpage:::


What I learned from this webpage is that there is someone, or there are people - who are interested in my book. But I also learned that people are unwilling to spend $2 on me.

It's exciting that someone out there wants me, and perhaps I really have grown famous --- it's just that my book maybe in a "completely free distribution" world now where no one needs to download it legitimately. Hahaha. :)

Yes !!! Though I will never know how many copies are in circulation::: I am famous! There are people interested in me! I feel loved!!! :) hah.

And no one is willing to spend a dime on me. Wow. Thank God for welfare. hah.

Actually --- seeing that webpage just lifted my spirits right up --- even if no one will pay me for my book --- I have seen the evidence of an interested public. So happy.

It's Impossible to Make Money

OK - maybe it's not impossible to make money, but I'm now telling myself it's impossible to make money because I want to calm down any lofty hopes I may have ever had to get rich from selling product online. I do make make some money, but usually not much. And in order to make a great deal of money, you have to show great skill at what you do, which I cannot, as I am either an amateur or at most seem only semi-pro.

It appears people have completely stopped downloading The Book of Finch. Maybe nobody is interested anymore, or maybe the Mormon Zeitgeist has decided that my book is bad and should not be read. It makes me feel unloved.

But, in reality, throughout my whole life, I've never really been loved by anybody, not even the church I grew up in that proclaimed "love one another". Maybe my parents love me, but their love for me comes in a form of "their will before mine". Hahaha.

Anyway, it's impossible to make money, and the Mormon church appears to have completely unfriended me.

I was totally gung-ho to go be a mormon and do the mormon thing, but so many things went wrong with that.

So where do I stand on the Mormon Church?

1) There are many things about my experiences with Mormonism that seemed to indicate to me that there really is a magical or miraculous reality in the LDS church. I was a full-blown believer (even if I wasn't the greatest mormon boy (I tried to be good though) I really believed in it) and the church really did appear to be magically real in my sight.

2) There are some good things and people in the church, but I personally ran into some pretty deplorable behaviours in my experience there. There's just something wrong about the people or the organization, which I will not go into any detail about here.

3) Though on the surface the Mormon church appeared to be good, there seem to be some fundamental flaws in doctrine and after doing lots of research, something really doesn't seem right about this organization. If you dig far enough, you'll find that there's something just plain wrong with it. People who don't do their research live with the happy-flowery-sunshine-and-rainbows idea that Mormonism is all just great and wonderful ---- but if you dig into the doctrine and history - and even just live with the people 'intimately' --- there's something wrong with the whole thing.

So --- how do I reconcile my realization of miracles in the LDS church with all that seems so wrong? I call it satanism. I don't know the whole truth of everything, but from what I can tell, I would just call it a satanic organization, seriously deceptive.

Anyway --- the Mormons have unfriended me and they don't care to read my truth anymore --- they never really cared about or loved me --- and because so many people are so poor, it's hard to earn money from people who don't have money or are unwilling to spend.

I grew up poor and had dreams of becoming rich. It now seems impossible to get rich.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Positive Thoughts about Mormonism

When I think about the LDS church and my life with it, I have two main points I want to make clear in ideas that keep popping up about it::

1) It is true that I'm finished with the church, at least seemingly, and it doesn't make sense to go back. But:::

2) There is actually many seemingly good or great things or potentially good or great things about LDS mormonism.

I used to completely love the LDS church. In my life, things fouled up in so many ways that I could write a book to discuss it ---- but if people had, perhaps, made more correct choices or had been more intelligent in their behaviour, maybe the LDS church might've worked out for me.

I think the LDS church is a great place to raise your misbehaved children. That's my personal opinion.

Anyway --- I don't feel emotionally capable of reconnecting with my LDS stake president and I just have huge emotional problems in a number of ways when it comes to socializing --- but in theory there are a number of really great good and wonderful potential realities or truths about LDS mormonism.

Of course, on the other hand I see a zillion things wrong with the church too --- so maybe all those great and good possibilities are just part of some grand scheme of deception --- but perhaps the LDS people really are earnestly or are supposed to be earnestly striving to be good, great, or superior people.

There are good things about Mormonism, and realize that even if I accuse them of being a satanic church I do not hate them, for a while I was angry at them but I'm not anymore, I am just disappointed and it just didn't work out in my personal life, largely because people weren't making very good choices.

But ---- I understand that potentially the Mormon or LDS church could be a great and wonderful entity.

It's kind of like this::: The Mormons/LDS are always Mormons/LDS whether they're good or bad, just like the Nephites were always the Nephites regardless of if they were good or bad. And there is potential for much good in the society or organization.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The New Neighbours, Learning Spanish and stuff

So, today, after a hard day of yard work, my family decided to have a weenie roast in our metal fireplace in the backyard. That was fun, but not what I really wanted to talk about:: when I was done roasting weenies in our backyard, I walked into our front yard to see our new across the street neighbours decided to have their own weenie roast in their front yard.

That was interesting, but I'm now going to compare who I saw today with who I saw on July 1st of this year.

On July 1st of this year I saw three people: a guy who looked like Ted Neely out of Jesus Christ Superstar -- or rather a christlike looking kind of fellow, and I assumed he was the man of the house. I saw another man also, and a woman.

Today I again saw three people in the front yard of that house::: no sign of any Jesus look a-likes though. I saw the same woman, the same "other guy" and their child. Or at least, I would think it was "their child", because just by looking at the kid you might almost assume that it was actually some kind of angel or cherub. Yes --- the across the street neighbour's child made me think of Cherubim or Cherubs or whatever you want to call them.

It's really strange how whoever "owns" that house now seems to like to have a Jesus look-a-like or a cherub-child hanging out as if to have a joke about my October 2010 sighting, but whatever.


I intended to talk about all the different kinds or versions or possible Jesus sightings I've ever had and discuss the similarities and differences between them, but that seems totally pointless right now.


So, as my parents were starting their yard work I saw an advertisement for what is somehow deemed to be a very effective method for teaching foreign languages:: the Pimsleur method. I watched most of the whole video, and felt very impressed so I thought I'd give it a try. I did not purchase the CD product they advertised though --- instead I went to iTunes and bought a Spanish Pimsleur audiobook.

I did the first lesson.  After just one lesson of just a few phrases using a few words to teach the language, for hours throughout the day I could feel all my spanish knowledge bubble to the front of my mind and I started thinking in all the spanish I knew and speaking in spanish half the time.

First off::: I had already studied spanish in school which explains why I had so much vocabulary on my mind, if you had done the first Pimsleur lesson alone, you wouldn't have that vocabulary --- second off: though I could think of many things to think and say in spanish, I realized I don't know all the words I would want to know. Basically the effect of the Pimsleur on me was to make me feel more fluent in the language -- to even be thinking in spanish, of what words I knew --- and lastly my dad ended up getting really annoyed with my constant spanish babbling. I was just going on and on saying things in spanish and it just bugged the heck out of him - he doesn't know spanish so he was getting annoyed with not understanding. He sent me downstairs to my room, where I grabbed a drink from my bar fridge and said "[Brand of drink], tu esta mi solo amigo ahora". Yes - I actually said something like that alone in my bedroom, while drinking.

Anyway, after I decided to comply with my dad's requirement for me to speak english, the spanish thoughts eventually wore off by later in the evening.

yes --- I thought that Pimsleur thing was very nice. I figure I might try Swedish after I'm done Spanish, so I can learn my Mom's second language and perhaps reconnect with some idea of my Finn-Swede ancestry.


One last thing:: I noticed some popularity of one of my posts discussing telepathy recently::: I think I should really note that my brain has returned to "closer to normal" in recent time, which means I'm not much of a mentalist anymore. At least, my ability to read my parents' minds seems to have worn off, althought I still have longer distance "telepathic thought", if that's what it is, unless I'm just crazy.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Phony Avril or Phoned By Avril?

so, I think it was in late 2012 that Avril Lavigne called my cell phone, this is understandably a real Avril.

Then in late 2013 "Avril Lavigne" friended me on facebook. Of course, I was immediately concerned that this "friending" was just being done by an identity thief, but she seemed to be trying to assure me that she's the real Avril. I know it may have been possible to video chat with her - and that would have surely enough been a way to verify her identity. But even now, there does seem like a bit of a chance that this individual was an identity thief --- she seems so real, but I know it's possible she's not real.

Anyway --- what I really wanted to write about was this:::

I learned from Avril Lavigne that the LDS church really will destroy relationships and friendships over little things like what kind of music you listen to or what you wear.

My old LDS bishop seemed to take the ballerina girl's side in thinking that the kind of clothing a person wears can be used as a valid reason to completely destroy their friendships or force an end to a relationship.

I mean, personally, I know LDS rules for youth would have derided some of the kinds of clothes Avril wore --- but I don't think it was so serious as to ban her from salvation just because she wasn't born into the Mormon church --- but, alas, the Bishop decided that her clothes were so bad that she stood no chance for salvation, therefore when Jesus died that all mankind may be saved, the bible translators forgot to mention the part that specifically excludes Avril or people who wear bad clothes from the text.

I mean, if I was wearing baggy clothes and that's the reason my ballerinagirl dumped me --- well that's really sad because I was growing up really poor and I was glad to have any clothes at all --- and well, if you actually read the book of mormon you'd see how this attitude of "your clothes aren't good enough" was actually a fraudulent attitude for a Mormon to take. Hypocrisy.

And there's the bishop, verifying that the church really will destroy friendships over simple clothing styles. A person who is not already mormon will never be saved if they wore clothes like that --- and if you are mormon well it's just too bad if your father is unemployed and we can't explain to you that the baggy clothes were the reason for all that anger.

Anyway::: Basically, Avril taught me that the church will get all belligerent and militant over the kinds of clothes you wear. And if you happen to be a woman who sings, plays guitar, piano and drums then you're in real trouble.

Yes --- lately I've really been able to grasp the idea that the LDS church actually just isn't true --- for so long I was so hypnotized by their "we're the one true church" propaganda that I really couldn't understand when I came across church doctrine or behaviour in my life that didn't seem right --- for a while things just didn't make sense, and now I just know they weren't really fully true.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Old Stuff

I think in this post I'll mostly, largely, or completely be repeating myself - but these things weigh on my mind right now so I just thought I'd mention them again::

1) If you are LDS, it's very easy to commit sin - as there are lots of things you could do wrong.

If you sin, if you have any brains you'd be humble about your sin, especially if you find it especially hard to repent of. So -- sin leads to great humility, perhaps.

And if you humble yourself, according to both Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith, your humility will earn you exaltation.

And then the church will take away your exaltation, which you earned from being humble with sin, because you are a sinner.

so: sin > humility > exaltation > loss of exaltation because of sin <<<<< that's the LDS way!

2) I know the LDS church is trying to improve, as in I've heard warnings against being overly-critical, and I think there really is some wisdom in certain LDS top leaders ---- but when I grew up in the church it wasn't hard to be criticized over any imperfection large or small.

So, being a regular human being, you are inclined to sin --- and the church will just constantly criticize it.

But, if you were to actually achieve the great and noble state of being supernatural and god-like (as Mormons are wont to become), the church or church leaders would just start drugging you because of how "crazy" being anything like God or being just like God would be. There are any number of things about your God-like state that the LDS leaders might think you are insane for and then drug you about --- that's what it was in my experience.

So, if you are a regular sinner human, you face constant criticism, but if you attain the supernatural godlike state then you won't escape being drugged. The Mormon church looks like it's just constant abuse.

3) As for the criticism and drugging, I've even experienced where they'll criticize you over your small sins so much that you just go crazy, and the church guy will shame you over your sins as he tells you to go see a psychiatrist.  And then the psychiatrist will tell you that there's no reason to be ashamed, that those "sins" really are just small things that might even be normal or not necessarily wrong.

Yup --- they'll shame you, causing mental health problems, and then they'll shame you as they send you to mental health professionals, and then the mental health professional will just say there was no reason to be ashamed over that one small issue. Yeah.

Anyway --- the LDS church is really really hard for me to believe in at this point, even if I know for a fact of a certain magical reality about them ---- there's something so wrong with them I'd think they're actually a satanic deception.

Sorry for repeating myself - but I just felt like mentioning these points again as they weighed on my mind.